Friday, 5 December 2014


Back in the Summer, Jason and I were floating on a lake somewhere talking about the idea of totem animals.

I'd always thought I was a deer because of an experience I had twenty or so years ago, but when I told Jason this he said no way.  He saw me very much as a bear and when I looked up the symbolism of a bear as a totem animal, I was willing to listen to what he had to say.

A couple of weeks ago, we were talking about our totem animals again and that night I had this sweet, Disney-esque cartoon dream of a bear and a wolf who were the best of friends and protected each other when they were hurt/sick/hibernating (yay, naps!) and it was really sweet.

I told Jason about it and then I got really quiet.  Because all of a sudden I realized it meant we would never be more than friends.

I tried to explain this to him, through tears that a bear and a wolf (his totem) could never mate and so we would never actually be a long term couple.

Jason paused and told me that they did mate, they had to keep their bloodlines fresh, and I gaped at him.  A BEAR AND A WOLF CAN NOT MATE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

At which point he looked at me...

"you know they're metaphorical, right?"

*sniff*.... oh

I don't know, I just saw it as this massively un-ignorable sign that Jason and I aren't meant to be together and instead it's just .... well, not that.

I don't know, this post is a bit of a babble because I'm touching on something personal and something a lot of people think is redonkculous but I just... it was important when it happened.  Both the sweet dream and the sad realization.

Maybe Jason and I aren't meant to be together.  I don't know.  Maybe we are.  I don't know.  But it'll be one of those things time will tell.

And I don't really have any idea what I'm talking about right now.