Whoops

So, apparently I'm back in high school.  Or something.  Because I'm all wigged out and feeling awkward.

I sort of got kissed?

See?  High school.

Ugh.

I had a pretty bad day Friday, and told Jason I was coming over.  It was another hot, sunny Friday and after we talked and I cried (some more) he said he'd make us burgers and I figured I'd eat and then head home and crash and possibly cry some more.  (It was a really hard day.)

I had a small drink and Jason had a large one and then another large one and, well, "drunk Jason" is not my favourite person, but it was right on the edge of that when a friend of his came over.  And then Jason got very drunk (he'd pulled a 20 hour day Thursday and was running on no sleep and really should have been drinking water and not much else) and I didn't feel like I could just abandon him and his friend, who'd come over expecting some kind of BBQ party and ended up with a drunk Jason and a sober me.

But the guy was cool and we had some good conversation about art and what "punk" means and I offered him a ride home once I'd gotten a couple of glasses of water into Jason and sent him to bed.

He told me on the ride home that he'd been a little nervous and that he liked my energy and would like to hang out again and I said, yeah, he seemed cool.  He asked if I wanted dinner and I told him thank you so much for the offer, but I'd had a really bad day and just wanted to get home.

I said we should all hang out again some other time when I was feeling better and Jason was, well, sober, and then we awkward car hugged and he got out.

And then he leaned back in to give me another hug and it sort of morphed into a kiss and even as it was happening I was like no no no no no why is this happening and so I pushed him away but felt so awkward like ugh.... sorry, I still kind of like Jason and I don't think you know that and not that you're wanting to date me but Jason told me you're not long out of a relationship yourself and I wasn't expecting that and I don't really know why I leaned in did I just kind of feel like I didn't want to leave you hanging or something and holy crap I feel 15.  Maybe 16.  But not in a good way - in a "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HUMAN RIGHT NOW" kind of way and uh.... "I need to get home. Let's hang out some time."

Ugh.  You guys.

I guess I'm not so good when I'm feeling overwhelmed because I know I want to take care of me but I still somehow feel obliged to take care of other people, like Jason being not good drunk and his friend and, I sort of even forget to use my words because they get all jumbly because I'm thinking and sure, I kind of another day would maybe have had dinner with him and not sure what else or not and maybe it still would have been awkward or had an uncomfortable moment, I don't know the guy, I don't know anything about him, but see, I'm not in high school.  For better or for worse I'm more cautious, and I have more going on in my life.  And being an adult is weird.

It was easier somehow when people lived at home and if they wanted you to come hang out you knew you'd have to deal with parents and so it'd just be all very pc.

Blah.  Gah.  Ugh.

Anyhow.

Yeah.