I made a decision at some point that I wanted to write every day, and so I started buying daily moleskine books and each night I'd write something. A poem maybe, or my thoughts about the day, or things I was worried about or grateful for, whatever.
I'd occasionally, flip back during the year to see, for example, what I was thinking when I first met Jay, or Jason and then I'd ponder what had maybe been on my mind at that time and what I was maybe right about, or not.
I pulled these books out, with the intention of seeing if there was any good writing in there I could share somehow, but as I glanced through them, I got more sad than inspired.
What I saw, when I looked back on some of my journal entries from 2010 is a lot of sadness and hurt.
Yes, I know that's my personal, private space to vent, and yes, I know I've been through some dark, sad times, but it was sad to see some of the same "complaints" and stories I tell myself... I've been telling myself for half a decade.
Because that means I'm maybe just stuck in the story rather than it being an actual truth.
I know even sometimes here, people have pointed out when I've seemed negative or down or stuck in a rut. It always hurts and is upsetting when it's pointed out but I do reflect.
So I reflected. And I chose not to read through it all. I chose not to re-hash the hurt I felt being single for so long and how torn up I was with a lot of things with Jay. Or even with Jason.
(I rarely re-read what's here, which is interesting as it's publicly available, and people read it and assume what I wrote a while ago is still where I'm at seeing as they just read it today... But even here, it's mellower and more edited than my private diary journalling. That's just whatever's raw and needing to come out. Good or bad.)
The decision I came to, for better or for worse, is that I'm taking those old diaries to the playa to be burned in the Temple. I'm choosing to release the old thought patterns that I've been stuck in for too long.
Does that mean I'll instantly only have happy, positive thoughts and never think anything sad or self-pitying? I doubt that, but it's a conscious choice to release and let go the thoughts and thought patterns that are potentially keeping me stuck.
To let go of "no one likes me", "I'll always be alone", and all the rest of it. It's a choice to stop reliving those thoughts, or at least to not have them permanently on record.
I didn't want to just shred the writing, and I didn't want to keep it. It's personal. But not needed.
I may be throwing out some good writing, or some good poetry, but that's ok too. I'm taking my last five years of my life and putting them into the Temple of Promise to be burnt the Sunday night of this year's Burning Man. May this allow my thoughts and thinking to be new and clean and healthy and to only serve to make my life happier and healthier and more full of love. Most especially, self love.
(But not in a naughty way! Get your brains out of the gutter, I'm supposed to be the only one there!)
