Friday, 18 December 2015

Filling The Glass

First thing Monday morning is when I was supposed to be going to the airport to fly from here to San Fransisco before continuing on from there to Albuquerque to spend a week with Max.  I'm having a hard time with this.

I'm having a hard time because we'd talked about what we'd do and the plans we had and the things he'd arranged and I'd already thought about those things and attached them to certain dates at a time of year when I have a hard time with.... Christmassy family stuff.  So, for example, when people mention the full moon on the 25th, my brain goes, yeah, I know... Max and I would be together, maybe probably with snow, maybe in front of a warm fire after a day of looking at the scenery and taking photos and seeing that moon together, making happy plans about next time we'd get to see each other.  Or whatever thought my brain has.  It's hard. 

I realized talking with my counsellor that I never really got to mourn the loss of that love.  I never got to sit and cry it out, have someone hold me while I said how much I missed him.  Sure, I did some of that, but for the most part I was dealing with keeping myself going.  Getting through the shock.  Dealing with the other stuff that's going on in my life.  I distracted myself a lot.  Kept myself "ok".  I never cried for how sad I was over losing what we had and what I thought we'd have and losing this trip.  And all that I'd imagined it would be.  And feel like, and how it would be an interesting, and possibly wonderful experience for us to see each other outside of the Burning Man environment.  To travel together.  Real world stuff.  I think I kind of figured this trip would tell me a lot, for better or for worse about our possible future together.  Or if we weren't meant to be more than sort of friends who loved each other.  Now I'm sitting here, not on this trip... not with this person I shared such a love with, not seeing a new part of the world, not taking photographs of scenery I think I would love, not sharing laughs and conversation and intimacy with a person I really really like being around, not feeling connected and close with another human being and, I'm not away from family dynamics and the stress that comes with that over the Christmas holidays, and I've lost a thousand dollars in flights that I can not afford right now.  That's a lot.  A lot of upset and hurt and sadness and pain.

I try to find a balance of ignoring and distracting myself from thinking about it all, but I also recognize that that doesn't actually allow for healing or for moving forward.... but.... I have to keep somewhat ok.

Last night I was trying to stop thinking about how much it hurts that the days of me not going are almost here and I thought, well, if there's a positive to this... I'm not worried about packing.

So I ran with that thought for a while... a "the glass is half full" kind of thought, even if kind of a stretch.

I don't have to figure out what to pack on a winter trip to New Mexico.

I don't have to figure out how many layers of pants I will need, or hiking boots AND snow boots or is that overkill.  I don't have to worry that it won't all fit into my suitcase.  I don't have to wonder about bringing a tripod or not.  I don't have to worry about how long I had on my layover or if I had to change planes or not.  I don't have to worry about taking a taxi vs parking at the airport vs asking someone for a ride.  I don't have to get up at, like 3 Monday morning to get to the airport early enough for the flight.  I don't have to worry about ..... any of the travelling things.  I don't have to worry about it maybe being awkward to see Max after so long.  (I don't think it would have been but hey... throw that in there anyway)  I don't have to worry about it maybe being weird to be, say, in a store, or ooh, I just thought of this one, I don't have to worry about pooping.  Or washing my hair and drying it with a hotel blow drier because I didn't have room to pack mine because boots... and jackets and... so, yeah.  There.  I'm not worrying about packing at all.  Nope.  Don't have to stress about that.

I can sleep in my own bed all week and... yeah.  Not pack.

I'm trying....


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