Monday, 4 April 2016

Mixed

Jay showed up again the other day.  Textually speaking anyway.

I bring this up not to talk about him as much as to talk about the fact that it brought something up for me that I'm currently working on... and being reminded that it's a good thing to work on.

Boundaries.

And more specifically, being ok with saying no.

See, Jay asked if he could come visit and I said no.  (The conversation and request was a little more detailed than that but I don't feel like opening it up to possible comment grumblings so that's all I'll say.)

But then I felt really weird.

If I break it down simply and say I'm a recovering people pleaser, maybe that will make more sense?

Past habits, etc.... and now I have a hard time feeling like it's ok to say no either because I don't want to or I can't or it doesn't feel right or whatever.  Something in me tells me that it will make people not like me.  If I don't... help, or whatever.

I don't know, this is kind of all babbly.  But I'm starting to say no to things that feel big to me and each time I have so far it's felt weird.  But.... (looking around carefully) the sky hasn't fallen and I haven't been struck by lightning so so far it seems to be ok.

Will suck if it means people like me less or whatever, but.... I don't want to keep doing things just because.

Argh.  I'm not explaining correctly because I'm trying not to use real world examples that might hurt feelings.  And so the people pleasing strikes again.

But it's hard.  Hard to make sure I'm balanced because it feels like if I do what *I* want, I'm a horrible selfish and self centered person and will never be nice to another human again.

Which... no... but that black and white thinking is hard to change because it defines life in such a way that things feel safer.  Extremely difficult, but safe at the same time.

But moral of the story is, I said no.  And I hope to keep saying no in situations like this.


Edited to add:  Ha!  I just noticed today's date is the 4th of the 4th which if you multiply them together is 16 so it's a total math day!  4/4/16!  YAY BRAIN!  

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doing most things that are hard take practice including saying no. Like anything after you've done it for a bit it will get "easier" less stressful/anxiety-filled therefore more "natural". I've found the older I've gotten (50) the less I care what people think about me like I did when I was younger maybe its just me though getting old and cranky.
brandi

Monday, April 04, 2016 8:51:00 am  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Saying no is hard to do. No matter what the situation.

I think that a level of maturity is when you are able to step back from the situation, assess the impact of a no on your life, say no, and then move on.

Sometimes saying no deserves an explanation. I'm a pretty hard core introvert, so being in groups at the end of the day is exhausting (or borderline terrifying if I don't know all the people). My good friends understand when I say no thanks I just can't do it. They know I'm trying to offend them and they know I really can't do it because I need quiet time to recharge.

Sometimes saying no doesn't need an explanation. If you are avoiding a situation that could possible hurt you, then a no is not selfish, but it is self-preserving. I know this is easy for me to say sitting way over here...if a person is offended when you say no, then the are not likely the type of friend you need in your life.

Saying no does not make you a horrible selfish or self centered person...it makes you someone is very aware of their limits and not wanting to get hurt (again) which means you leave yourself available to help or be with your true friends...that sounds like the opposite of selfish to me.

Congrats on getting through this. Hold your head high knowing you did nothing wrong.

Monday, April 04, 2016 12:48:00 pm  
Blogger Happydog said...

Hey--I think it was Oprah or maybe Shondra Rhimes who said "No is a complete sentence."
Saying no is always difficult for people pleasers and but like Brandi as I get older I spend less time trying to please. Though I often feel like I need to have a good reason for saying no--hence the above quote.
BTW hasn't this weather been fantastic!!!

Monday, April 04, 2016 3:10:00 pm  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Totally know what you're talking about, and I'm in recovery in the people pleasing department as well. Hang in there.

Monday, April 04, 2016 9:53:00 pm  
Blogger Anne Roy said...

Being a people pleaser is a curse many women carry ... we are supposed to be 'nice' etc., etc. What a four letter word. The wrong people can be exhausting but one can be polite (always good & sometimes confusing for some) and make it clear that you are not interested in their offer. No use to say you are 'busy' as they will ask again.
Your peace of mind & sense of control do matter.

Cdn Anne in England

Monday, April 04, 2016 10:12:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Brandi, here's hoping it'll get easier for me too :)

Thanks E. And I understand the introvert part all too well.

It's been lovely HD! I'll take a couple of rainy days for the reservoir, that's how lovely it's been :)

I will if you will Jason! ;)

Thanks Anne.

Tuesday, April 05, 2016 9:02:00 am  

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