Saturday, 8 July 2017

Well, That's No Fun

I woke up the other morning and was already starting to worry.  (It really really sucks when that happens.)  And by "worry" I mean, anxiety was kicking in...

I lay there half awake trying to calm myself (because I'd rather not wake up in panic) and I realized that the thought that was troubling me was "you (I) should go to Burning Man this year because I might not be able to next year!"

Which.... made me think (among other things... like f*ck that's a frustrating thought!) that I (or... whatever part of my psyche we're talking about here.. Ego?) have used fear to motivate myself.  And that sucks.

So I should go to Burning Man this year in case something more than twelve months from now?  Really?  What if next year I can totally go to Burning Man?  What if something very different has happened in my life and I don't want to next year?  What if Nevada has sunk into the ocean?  (Geographically unlikely but you know what I mean)  Or if I have become mega rich and can BUY Burning Man.  Or just... really, what if next year I'm able to go no problem and I stressed myself into going this year.

I'm not really explaining it right and reaching this understanding doesn't really stop the thought-process-threat from happening.  It was just kind of interesting (and sad) to realize how much of my life maybe has been guided by fear.

I know a lot of the theories around fear and I know the meditation type responses and how fear is things that don't exist yet and all that.  Knowing something is different than realizing that I seem to have been motivating myself in this way for a long time.

"I should keep dating this kind of not great guy because I may never meet another guy and then I'll be single forever."

"I should go to Burning Man this year in case next year I can't, or it won't be as easy in this one specific way I can think of."

Anxiety is a powerful force.

I don't like it at all.

I'm not sure I had any idea it was such a driving motivator for me though....




4 Comments:

Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Not sure I like it either. For similar reasons.

Saturday, July 08, 2017 9:42:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

:/

Sunday, July 09, 2017 11:16:00 am  
Anonymous Tamara said...

I can so relate to this . My anxiety has been off the charts these past few weeks. It's always been something I can control, but lately I've considered that maybe it's out of hand. I hate the feeling of waking up first thing in the morning to fear. Irrational fear at that, because I know I'll be fine. It's just hard to talk myself down from a full blown attack, yet I'm still able to do so.

Thursday, July 13, 2017 7:23:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh man, I hear you there Tamara. Big hugs.

Thursday, July 13, 2017 10:10:00 pm  

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