Weekend

Hi

This was a week I got through.  As in, I got through this week.  Not sure how, but I did.  And that should be what matters and what I remember.

So here's to the weekend. 

And ease.

Grumbles

Am super whiny right now with an abundance of (real and perceived?) miseries.  So I shall spare you the tribulations of my bug bites and other no fun complaints.

Again.

Is there such a thing as salty cereal?  By the way?

Soooooo

It's Sunday evening as I write this.  The time I've traditionally sat down to write posts for the week.... although I got out of that habit the last while.

But here I am, Sunday evening, after a fairly relaxing/relaxed weekend and I am grumpy as BLEEP.

So... uh, not writing anything right now.  Because all the grumpy.  At everything.  So much.  Boo.

How was YOUR weekend?

Aging

My issue with aging and the physical signs of it aren't how I look, but the fact that it's proof my body isn't doing what it's meant to do very well anymore.

Like grey hairs... they don't upset me because of how they look, they upset me because they're proof that my body is no longer making the... whatever in that particular follicle.  The wrinkles I now see in my elbows (WHAT??) are evidence that my skin isn't keeping up quite the same anymore.

It scares me.  Despite what some companies would like to tell you, there really isn't a "cure".  Sure, I can work to slow the aging... disintegration but it's going to happen.  Yes, I want to continue to be a healthy person as I continue to age, but my body is still wearing out.  As we speak.  So for me, it's not so much "I'm getting old" it's... "my body is wearing down" and that's a thought I have a hard time with.

Twenty Minutes Is An Hour

I just wanted to vent a little, or not even vent, just sort of mildly complain I guess... but saying "just go work out for twenty minutes!" is not, in fact, actually twenty minutes.  At least not for me.

I haven't been to the gym for a while and it's been bugging me, so I told myself I'd just go for twenty minutes to get there and be like, yay, I did it.

So it meant putting on my gym clothes, and going to the gym (I know I can get changed there, but I left from home), doing 20 minutes of chosen cardio (bike) and then I got home, stretched (keep re-realizing just how important this is for me) and then a shower.  And that's an hour!

Which means, doing anything more than twenty minutes of gym time is even longer.  I mean, not exponentially so but still... I see so many magazines and things touting "just 20 minutes of exercise a day" and that, let's be honest, doesn't really mean "20 minutes of time total."

*shakes fist at sky*

Upon Us

It is a few days yet before the Fall season is officially here but I think it's safe to say the change is already upon us.

It's been Fall-like weather and temperature here for a while now and I think many of us have been half waiting for the usual late summer warm spell we're used to... perhaps that will come, who knows.  But for me, I've started my transition to the cooler months... I've started closing off some windows, and closing some at night (brrr).  I've switched to my warm pjs and dressing gown and I even cracked the hot water bottle out last week.

I might pull out a blanket for my bed soon, although so far I've not quite needed that.  I've not turned on my radiator yet, but I think I can hold off on that a while yet.

The rains are here, the leaves are falling, the days are shorter and the produce sections of the grocery stores are changed too.

No Thank You!

I do not want my car to think for me or to outthink me.

I mean, it's one thing to have a car do something BETTER than I can, like ABS brakes or something, but I don't want my car to watch lanes for me and keep me in mine, I don't want my car to tell me when someone is in my blind spot, I want ME to do these things! Well, ok, maybe the blind spot one is a bad example but really... I do not want to pay LESS attention when I'm driving, I want to pay more.

It's like, I've already accidentally left a friend's car unlocked when I got my new car with the fancy "push this button to lock all doors" thing and I forgot hers was older and that I'd have to push the lock closed myself.  I don't like the idea of drivers relying on cars to do things drivers should be doing.... "pedestrian avoidance" and all that. 

I read something similar recently about someone saying that they'd been driving in a newer car with lane assist and whatever avoidance and beeps or pings to help you drive and that when they went into an older car they were actually quite concerned at how quickly they had become a much worse driver.

I made the joke the other day that I'm going to be the little old lady down the block who still drives her car herself, what a silly lady!

But, no, really, I do not want a car that thinks for me.  I think we should be reminding drivers to be even more cautious and careful, not less.

Humans.....

I've been watching people post their photos from their trip to Burning Man this year and yes, it makes me sad to not have experienced any of it.... but it also got me thinking something.

Who was the first human to think "I want to breathe fire"?  And how did that go that first time?

No, I mean like really!  Who the heck thought of this?!?!  And why?  And how did they experiment?  This is one of those things I can't really wrap my head around how someone decided to try it.

Humans are so so weird.

Tee Eye Ell

Today I learned that you have to maintain your fire extinguishers.

I feel ever so slightly dumb, but at least now I know.

I mean, I know the big ones get inspected from time to time, like in a workplace or business or whatever and actually now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure I know where the fire extinguishers are in my apartment building?  I should really figure that out.  Whoops.

So I know that "important" ones are supposed to get checked but I never ever thought about it for the little ones I have (under my sink and in a closet)

So I went and checked them and apparently you're to check them monthly (not every decade, ahem) and turns out one of mine is dead (in whatever way they die... the check they had me do did not work) and the other one is close to dead (it has a "full/empty" indicator and it's almost done)  So I'm glad I checked.  So y'all?  You should have functioning fire extinguishers and you should know where they are and how to use them!

As in, the one I had in the van when it had the fire?  I had no idea where it was and my thought wasn't to find it, it was to RUN AWAY from the fire.  So I'll be checking the one in there too and the one I assume I have in my car trunk and I'll do my best to have them all easily accessible, and I'll check them monthly and hopefully never have to ever use them.

TL;DR  Your fire extinguishers need maintained.

Hobbies - A Grumble

I found myself grumbling to myself the other day about how hobbies are expensive.  Now, that's an oversimplification but let me explain...

To enjoy a hobby, in my experience, it's best if you have good....stuff.  Supplies.  Gear.  Whatever.

Like, say you want to take up running, yay!  Well, if you try to run in your flip flops, it's going to be bad.  If you buy, however, a cheap pair of runners, it's going to be.... still bad.  But if you invest in a really good pair of runners, it will be less bad.  And you'll be less likely to injure yourself.  And you may actually want to keep doing it for longer because it's not terrible.  Except running is terrible so that was a bad example.

Take this hot yoga thing I've been trying.  You really don't need much.  I already had a good yoga mat someone gave me, so yay, and I bought an inexpensive "hot yoga towel".  Which... is fine.  Except it does all the things the expensive ones don't... which is annoying.  But do I really want to invest in a hundred (ish) dollar towel?  Maybe?  But what if it doesn't stick?  I mean, my "doing" of hot yoga.  So the cheap towel it is for now.

But good gear is worth the money.  For sure.  It makes things so much better.  I've stopped buying dollar store paint for example because it cracks if you use it too thickly and it's just.. not as awesome.  The pricier paint from the art store?  Lovely.  Wonderful to work with.  Can't go back.  So much more enjoyable and with better results.  I just try to wait for it to go on sale and stock up then.

But say I wanted to try something like stand up paddle boarding.  I could, I'm sure, rent one to try, but if I liked it, then what?  All my experience with the "cheap" version of things tells me not to cheap out.  But how do you know if it's worth spending a whole lot of money for the more expensive board paddle, cold weather "clothing", and whatever else would help make you so much more comfortable?

Sure, you can get into a hobby inexpensively... but man, it's so much nicer to try things when you pay good money for good... things.

Final example... ukulele.  First time I tried one it was an inexpensive kid's one that Santa had brought someone.  And even without having my own at the time I could tell it wasn't in tune and the parent involved told me it pretty much wasn't able to stay in tune.  Which would sound terrible for everyone involved.  When I went to buy my own ukulele I tried a few in the store and the one I chose had the nicest sound... and the higher (not quite highest!) price tag.  But I don't imagine I would have enjoyed learning on something that made my ears bleed, you know?  But for a week or two I wondered if I'd wasted a lot of money.  (The store assured me I'd be able to sell it second hand if I ever needed/wanted to, so I knew I'd probably get at least a few bucks back.)  So to start up ukulele as a hobby, I didn't just pick up the dollar store equivalent.... and I keep finding out that that is the way to go with things.  At least for me.  Your mileage may vary I suppose... but I don't think it will all that much. 

Dreary

Here.  Here's a photo of I don't even know what that I took at some point because the light was pretty... apparently... but... huh?

So Fall showed up here.  Well, I mean, not really, but it's been raining for a few days now (more than a "few") and that's great for certain things, but damn if it doesn't just feel miserable.  And so much cooler than a week or two ago.  Sigh.

I know we'll likely get some more sunshine soon.  Maybe even a warm spell that we'll all say is "unseasonable" but ugh.  Right now, ugh.  I know we've all been hoping for rain for the wildfires, but why does rain have to come out of dark, dreary, dull, grey skies? 

Shorter days too.  I feel the dreads coming on as we speak.

Gratitude

I have gratitude for the bad things I like.

As in... having a weakness/love/desire for sugar/gluten/carbohydrates is so much better than craving nicotine or some other harsher, meaner drug.

I don't WANT to eat these things, but in the grand scheme of "things that aren't all that good for me", I'm not doing too bad... you know?

September

September is such a change of things.  For me.  (That made no sense... bear with me)

For so many years it was the start of school/high school/university/more university/grad work, and then it was the end of Burning Man... but September has always had, for me, a sense of loss.  Somehow Summer always seems to wrap up at the end of August, even though the calendar says Fall doesn't start until the 21st or so....

The weather has already changed, although I never rule out a hot spell.... I am sleeping with a blanket on again.  I wore jeans and boots the other night.  I'll ignore the fact that everyone's talking about Halloween already and just point to the "back to school" sales everywhere right now.  And the photos of "my kid's first day in grade...." and just... I don't dislike September exactly, but it makes me miss Summer a whole lot.

I didn't get up to much, physically speaking, this summer.  No trips away, no big hikes or day trips.  I did do a camping trip in Spring but it cost so much money (that I don't really have) and we can't have campfires right now and the smokey air, although cleared out now (knock on wood) really put a damper on things. 

Geese are already honking their way elsewhere, leaves are slowly slowly turning, the days are shortening, nights are longer...

I imagine those of you with kids or those of you in College or University mark September as the end of summer too.... I'm trying not to be too glum about it, but yeah, September's a weird month for me... I should probably just accept that.

Neigh

I like analogies.  They help me feel like I have a clear understanding of whatever it is I'm trying to explain and that hopefully that will help the person I'm talking to have a clear understanding as well.  My Dad, and probably others, hate analogies, but, me?  I like them.  Especially here, where I try to keep some privacy or at least an illusion of it.  So here's an analogy.  Kind of.... I think?  It works for me and allows me to half talk about something I haven't been able to talk about with anyone at all.  So there you go.

"ANALOGY" BEGINS HERE:  A while ago, a friend asked me if I'd help him out taking care of a pony.  I said sure because ponies are like horses and I like horses.  Well, I had no idea just how much it costs to take care of a pony.  I had no idea about the endless amounts of money it takes and what I thought would be a short term no big deal thing has turned out to be a long term pretty big deal.  Especially considering my personal financial issues right now.  But I can't seem to let the pony die and it seems like the pony will be made into glue if I stop but damn that pony needs new... uh... shoes and a visit to the vet for it's kennel cough (insert horse type equivalent here) and the pony is a lot healthier than it was a few years ago and all that but... I didn't know how much it cost to take care of a pony and I really hope someone else can start taking care of it soon. 

I know, I know, just back away from helping financially but I can't seem to.  It's so easy to look at this weird analogy thing from the outside and go uh duh... walk away, not your problem, etc etc.  But because this is an analogy and I'm not willing to be honest with you or anyone about the actual situation I guess I just wanted to vent and say I'm really struggling financially, I'm terrified a lot of the time about money, and some of that is because I chose to help with something that I didn't really know what the actual cost would be. 

I'm going to keep comments off for this post because money is a huge trigger for me and my anxiety.  I can't talk about it without freaking out and spinning badly.  In fact, I don't even want to post this but I'm trying to get myself back into being honest here, or at least talking more again.  So to un-analogy-ize.... on top of my health struggles, I've been dealing with a lot of money struggles and that is not something I'm doing well with most days. 

They say that money is one of the biggest things couples fight over.  I know it's a huge fight trigger in my family.  I fully understand why.  I'm trying to work on my relationship with money (right now my brain exaggerates it to very black and white things) and I do know that I am relatively well off compared to many... as I type on my computer in my rented apartment, with a full belly and running water. 

But I'm stressed, I'm worried, I can't really see a good way out.  Even if the pony dies or I walk away from it I have a hole I feel I have to dig out of.  And a future that gets closer every day. 

I hate money.  I hate that I (we) need money.  I wish I could be relaxed about it.  I'm tired of feeling this particular stress on top of so so many others.

Y'all?  Don't help save someone else's pony, ok?  Your own?  That's your call.  But not someone else's.

Sigh. 

Hey!

I found my keys!

I know you didn't know they were missing but they were and it was really bothering me because they shouldn't have been missing.

They're my spare set, not attached to a car key or anything and I always just have them in my purse, so my first thought was that maybe they fell out of my purse when it fell over (it does that in my car sometimes) so I looked and looked but no.  (I did find some dead bugs under a seat though so that should be dealt with... soon!)

I checked in coat pockets but they weren't to be found.  Which always is kind of upsetting because I'm pretty consistent where I put things.  I wasn't too too worried as I didn't think there was any way anyone could trace them to my place but still... there's always that lingering thought right?

So it turns out I'd thrown some papers on top of them and then not bothered to check under said papers but when I was heading out yesterday I saw a glimmer of metal and YAY!  My keys! Not lost at all!

Well, I mean, I guess they were lost but now they're found... uh.... now I'm singing Amazing Grace, sorry!

Sigh

One of the Burning Man related things that threw me/bummed me out this year were several social media-famous type people I follow were SUPER STOKED to announce they were going for the first time this year.

Yes, Burning Man is for anyone.  (Kinda) But I feel like these folks went because they heard about it from the mainstream media... which represents it in a way that is not really what it means to a lot of us.  Plus they're "famous" so it feels like an attention grab or something.  I know, I'm sounding jaded or something it's just... sigh.

I just finished watching a couple of videos from one of these people and I've actually now unfollowed them.  The event/place is very dear to me and I don't like to see it represented in a way that I think is false.  Plus this particular person sounded kind of jerk-like (polite words, I really want to say "douchy") talking about it so... not someone I need in my feed. 

Anyway.  Just... whining I suppose.  Perhaps slightly jealous of them having what I imagine is far more financial ability to go than I have right now.  And sad that it is now so well known/mainstream that people I assume would know nothing about it suddenly seemed to think it was cool enough to want to go.  Meh.  I dunno.

Sigh.

Can't go backwards. 

The Year Ahead

For some who go to Burning Man, after the man burns (as it did on Saturday night) it is the start of a symbolic new year.  So a happy New Year to you all, and to myself here.  I did not make it to Burning Man this year.  For the second year running.  Some days I wonder if I'll ever make it back, or if I'll make it back but it will have become something too far from what attracts me about it.  So some days, especially this last week of not attending, I have the sads. 

A fellow volunteers to send a live stream of Burning Man off playa and I have such mixed feelings about it.  One one hand it is a modern miracle... well, to my limited understanding of such things it is anyway.... this live feed being sent from the middle of a barren desert in northern Nevada to.... well, the world.  Via the internet.  Which... really, I know you're on it right now but it's pretty much a damn miracle to me too.  So this guy volunteers his time to bring images of the event to those of us who aren't there.  Which is great.  But also... kind of sucks.  I don't like to know that the even is THIS connected.  And I like that it used to be more of a mystery.  And, I'll be honest, it's hard to see and not be there.  I watched the big burns, like I did last year and I had feelings.  It was harder this year than last... I'm not sure why.  Maybe in part because I'd hoped my life would have changed enough in a year for it to be far more viable for me to go.  Maybe in part because I had a lot more to lose by not going this year... a circle of friends I am missing as we speak.  I tried to enjoy the burns, but I just felt sad. 

There's a term people use around Burning Man... "FOMO"... the Fear of Missing Out.  They say Don't have FOMO!  Well, I didn't.  I didn't fear what I was missing, I knew what I was missing and I was sad about it.  I missed it.  It hurt.  Like last year, I am happy to be comfortable in my space, with refrigeration, electricity, running water and plumbing.  I am grateful for all that.  My throat doesn't hurt from inhaling the dust, my fingers aren't all torn apart from overuse and the dust exposure.  I have nothing to unpack and clean.  All these things are great.  But I didn't go.  I don't know if I will be able to or choose to go next year. 

I hope the year to come is a good one for me.  That I grow in ways that serve me well.  That I stay healthy.  That I find calm.  And happy.  That this time next year I don't find myself sad and feeling like I missed out.  Or whatever it is I felt/feel.

Burning Man is over for the year.  Things burned.  I wasn't there.  And now it's September.  May you have a good next year to come.