Thursday, 17 October 2019

My Whelm is Overly... Whelmed.

I started a course a couple of weeks ago.  End of last month, to be precise.  (And no, I don't know why they didn't just start on the 1st... maybe because it was a Tuesday?  Annnyway.)

It's an online course and y'all?  I think my brain has exploded.

It has certainly pushed a lot of anxiety buttons, as well as some older buttons (Am I smart?  Smart enough?  Can I even do this?  Will I fail completely?) and on top of the emotional upset it's causing, I also have to, well, you know, learn stuff and OMG.

The course is vaguely related to work (which I don't talk about) and there's really no harm if I do fail out (other than the money I would lose) and I don't actually think I'm anywhere near failing... at all, but still, it's a lot.

The first few days I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it at all.  Learning the online class system was overwhelming enough without even considering the course work and content.  I think it's good to be challenging my brain in this way, I just didn't realize it would be this... overwhelming.

Like it's kind of the only thing I find I have time for right now.  And whoever designed the course outline that gives "suggested minimum hours" can bite my donkey's arse.  Ahem.  How about you just go and double those hours, eh?

My counsellor type people all think it's a good idea and I can see where they're coming from.  It's relatively low risk (nothing will actually happen if I don't do well or don't complete it) and it brings up things that we can talk about and work through.  It's certainly interesting to see the insecurities and habits around learning that are coming up!  (Hi, perfectionism, how are you?  Would you mind effing off?  Oh, hi comparing myself to others, you can also leave, thanks!)

So yeah.  I am not doing much at all right now other than a course.  I am hoping that maybe I'll get a bit more balance in my life as I adjust, but I'm also not counting on it.  One of the first days, I got to about 1pm before I realized I hadn't eaten, or drank anything, nor had I done my usual morning routines of exercise and meditation.  So I'm trying to force myself to at least put some things first.  It's a lot though. 

A.  Lot.

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