Wednesday, 25 March 2020

I Wouldn't Read This If I Were Me

So as we all physically distance and watch and wait and as we all sit a bit bewildered by the all of this and think back to "not that long ago" when things were simpler and easier and we maybe didn't even know it and how quickly life can change not just for an individual but for a province, a country, a city, a world.... "last week" seems like a long time ago and "last month"?  Well I'm pretty sure that's an entire lifetime ago now.

I say again, as always I am not an expert.  I am not a doctor.  I am not anybody who is doing anything other than writing an online diary.  That's it.  I'm venting.  Documenting.  But only *my* take on things... my thoughts.  Not truth or even necessarily reality, I dunno.  Just... words on a sheet that isn't even that.  Digital diary.  Like money is these days, never really real, just... zeros and ones on a screen making meaning.

This thing we're facing is new to us.  I think many of us compared it to the "other" epi- and pan-demics we've faced over the years but this one is new.  And while I shouldn't be reading about it I am and the first hand accounts from survivors and those living with it make me wonder if we'll ever fully know the scope of the spread of this virus.

This is me, telling me to stop reading now because it'll upset me and make me anxious.  So... yeah, do that.  I'm venting.

Famous Actor X posted that he and wife were positive with it and then they were fine.  Famous Actor Y posted that he was positive and then weeks later his wife was as well.  Person whose blog I read's husband is positive but she is not.  (Is that a yet?  Or an ever?)  First hand account A talks about "like cold or flu", first hand account B talks about pneumonia and barely surviving.  And everything in between and of course the deaths and the fear and the unknown and the wanting to avoid the worst case but so many of us are really afraid.  And that's ok.  I mean it's not great, but it's not abnormal or weird or unusual.

I have many many unanswered questions and I do read up on it from time to time and then greatly regret it but the response from experts is often, currently a "we are still figuring it out".

And how many of us now are wondering about that "cold" we had a couple of months ago.  How many of us hope maybe we had a mild version and are now immune... even though immunity is not a given... as far as I know.  (Like I said, I'm force-avoiding the reading of things after the last week and how badly it set me off).

I have not been to the gym since the 8th.  My last time in public in a store kind of thing was the 17th.  Could I have gotten infected in that time, or, also, could I have unknowingly infected someone in that time?  Of course.  Will the measures I'm taking now on top of the measures I was taking before keep me safe?  Not known.  It's all statistics at this point.

I think there are far more people carrying this virus around than we may ever know.  There are likely going to be many who got or will get sick from it that will never know.  Have I been sick with it already?  Am I contagious and asymptomatic right now?  Don't know don't know don't know.

Are we distancing and isolating until a vaccine?  I know it's to help flatten the curve and hopefully allow the medical system some room... dear lord may they have the space and room and help to deal with this, please.  So many unknowns.  And I am not a person who copes well, historically, with unknowns.

So I suppose this is one of my learning opportunities right now.  To give in to the uncertainty without the anxiety.  I've talked a bit with two of my closest girlfriends who are both, for lack of a better term... meh? with the not knowing.  And I wish.  I wish for that skill/ability/personality right now.  Damn.  Everyone I know is concerned.  In varying degrees and about varying things.  I think everyone I know and have spoken to is concerned about someone "more vulnerable" in their circle.

It may be that we will all lose someone.  Maybe not?  I already have a friend (in the States) who has lost a friend to this.  And I pray and wish to all things that might honour me by listening... I pray that that's as close as I get to it.  The deaths.  Please.

I did not see this coming.  Not like this.  Was that blissful ignorance?  Perhaps.  But you also can't really know something's coming when it's not come before... (I could throw a joke in here but I won't...I mean Spanish Inquisition comes to mind, say no more say no more and now for something completely different.)

I'll have my first counselling by distance soon.  And I DO NOT want to do that.  I want to be in a room, in a space sharing and talking with another human face to face.  But that's not an option and if it were I'd probably be too scared to go there anyway.

I hope I can soon make the best of this.  That's a thing that makes sense to me.  But I'm constantly worried about what's coming.  I can go for a walk right now.  What if I can't soon?  What if the supply chain breaks down?  What if (person I care about very much) gets sick?  Dies?  How do I avoid going absolutely insane while inside my own head inside my own apartment with no way out for who knows how long?  What if I never want to leave the house again because I never get over being afraid of getting sick "out there"?  Anxiety feeds on "what if" and this situation is bringing nothing but.  Uncertainty.  Change.  Not knowing.  What ifs.  Newness.  Fear.  I do look for the good and the positive but so many fears.  So many.  And not just mine.  Everyone's.  I am afraid for everyone.  All the not great things going on that are impacting folks.  I worry for all the ways so many and so many things may not recover.  As I write this I'm trying to think about the flowers and plants that spring up after a forest fire rages through a forest.  Who knows what goodness may spring out of this ravaging.

And I'm sorry, if it matters, if it's frustrating.... but...  comments off again.  I may have to do that from time to time because I sometimes feel your upset and your fear too closely and I'm trying to keep some distance for sanity.  And I am, I swear, I am trying to talk about normal things, other things *before* things, but some days this is all I've got.  And I'm taking what I've got when I've got it and not blaming myself for... whatever.

I don't want anyone to die.  At all.  The end.  Ever.