Tuesday, 24 March 2020

The Way Of These Things

In the way of these things... someone talks to someone who talks to someone and so I've heard things I am not at all surprised by but kind of wish I'd not heard.

I have purposely not spoken to my friend who's an RCMP officer, or my friend who's a nurse, not because I don't care, but because I have been told what they've been told already... and, well, I don't need to hear it again.

I have very limited bandwith right now.  No "spoons" as that meme goes.  The grand majority of my energy right now is going toward reigning in my thoughts and keeping them as close to calm as I'm able.

Sometimes I'm less able.  Sometimes I know better but I go and read the thing anyway... the article, the report, the account, the prediction.  Anything and everything out of the states right now sends me down the deep end.  Not that the deep end is all that far away right now... anyway....

I don't know what to share right now.  And part of me thinks that I shouldn't bother considering it as my readership is far smaller than it was in my so called "hey day" (you know... when I was actually dating and a whole lot.... happier?)  But I don't want any part in spreading what are essentially, sort of kind of rumours.  (Literally, someone telling me "I have friends who are city police", or "my friend is a firefighter in town X", or "my daughter is a hospital worker in other province" so not... exactly rumours, but people being told things "from above" and then passing it on and then it getting passed on... so... word of mouth.... kinda)

But people who are passing on their own bewilderment "My police friends say they've got a contingency plan for 16 to 18 months...." and they're telling me this because they have their own feelings around it and they have NO idea what a spin that thinking sends me into because anxiety and "the future" are bad bad combos.  Bad.

Because then I start thinking, well... what about... this?  And that?  And what if?  WHAT IF?  WHAT IF!!!!????  And no one around is particularly reassuring.  Or, that's not fair, the people that I'm talking openly with are... uh... Jason.  And Jason is not particularly reassuring.  At all.

And what pops into my head is the damaging statements made by a particular "leader" who assured his populace that this thing would be gone by April.  And I rolled my eyes at the time but I think there was a part of me that nodded and agreed and said, yes, yes, gone by April ok!  Well, we're less than two weeks away from April and it seems it's only just beginning.  And I could very easily let myself lie in a dark room like Kurtz whispering "the horror.....the horror".... and I do not say that tongue in cheek, I say that with the fear bubbling up all too fresh and real and so no.  I can not talk about months from now.  A year from now.  And it's hard to move forward right now with that anti-future mind-fuck in place.

What now, what now, what now?

No answers.