Friday, 10 April 2020

And Jury

This is something I'm just going to talk quietly about because it's not something I like about myself so.... this is more of a whisper/internal dialogue than anything.

I grew up in a judgemental household.  You'd not necessarily know it but I am aware of it and I am aware that judging is something I do and am working actively not to do, or to do less of.  Mostly it's an internal dialogue thing, unless you're Jason... and then I'll just tell you that I think what you're doing is stupid/wrong but... ahem... I digress.

Right now I'm really working on not judging the choices people are making.  Because I don't know all of the details of their life or situation.  But I do.  I do judge.  And it's frustrating.  Like someone will tell me a choice they made (go to store X) and I will think WHY?  WHY DID YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU COULD ORDER ONLINE INSTEAD?  But I don't tell them that because that's their choice... and because they didn't ask for my opinion.

In my head, I'm wondering why on earth my neighbour is getting into her vehicle with someone I've never seen before because I don't know.  Maybe she's taking her to the doctor, or maybe that's her cousin and she's visiting, I just don't know and it's not exactly my business.  And here's where things become a little bit trickier right now.... because I have an anxious part of myself that yells at me that THIS IS A PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS SO EVERYONE IS MY BUSINESS!!!!

But that's... only so true.  I can't control others or their choices or behaviours, I can only control mine.  But that judgmental part is sure working overtime... THEY SHOULD ALL BE STAYING AT HOME!!!! sigh.  Someone tells me they picked up bread from the bakery this morning and I want to tell them TO STOP GOING OUT!!!!  And that, I'm sure, is out of fear for their health and safety, and I could, I suppose ask them what safety measures the bakery was taking and what they were doing to reduce their own risks but I don't.  I just listen and try to quiet the thoughts in my head that are being oh so judgemental.

So I keep working on being gentle with myself (and others) and I remind myself that we're all figuring this out... we've never done this before (with, perhaps the exception of the quite elderly who lived through the spanish flu or what have you...) and that everyone is just trying to do the best they can (with some exceptions of course.... as humans are not uniform creatures).

But it's hard.  My anxiety seems to think it "knows better" without actually having any qualifications other than worrying a lot.

So... I just hope everyone stays well, I really do.  And I'll keep working on judging less, and letting things go.

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