Monday, 10 August 2020


Sometimes I wonder about me. Or, I suppose in some ways I wonder about everyone else.

Like.... I get tired of my head and how it thinks and all that's in it. I fight with the things I think and it can be very tiring. And then I wonder if everyone's "like this" in their heads and I bet you that's a no, but that others might have similar goings on in their noggins and I just don't know because I'm not there to witness it? I dunno.

This made sense before I tried to talk about it, I swear.

And then there are my ongoing thoughts around this blog. And I'm not even talking about the fact that this new UI/layout they're forcing still does not work (ARGH).  (I actually got so frustrated that I reverted back to "legacy" and hope they fix the not working stuff before they force push it on me, geez).

It's been years since there was much of a readership here.  I know there are a solid bunch of folks who read when they can and I know times change and I know what occurred on my end and I know life is extra .... different right now.  I sort of vaguely remember why I started writing and publishing a blog all those years ago.  I remember kind of talking to/at myself at random times (often in bed) and finding them amusing thoughts and reading a lot of blogs at the time I thought well hey, I'll start one of those.  

There was a sort of a community back then.  I remember actually meeting another local blogger or two (the uncomfortable date stories are in the archives somewhere) and connecting with non local bloggers (at least one of whom I am still in contact with) and checking in on other blogs and even the now big-name bloggers who have gone on to books and tv shows and all sorts of things... I used to hang out and keep up with their lives too.

I suppose, due to the title I chose, I thought I would chronicle my dating life and probably eventually my long term relationship life and eventually my married life.  And I did, for a while. 

And then there was a confluence (if that's the right word) of things in life including internal changes I didn't know where happening, but I realize in retrospect were (the start of anxiety and depression as factors in my health - unknowingly) and online changes when Jason as a partner suggesting I *had* to get on Facebook to promote my creative ventures and then Facebook completely eating up my online time and becoming this weird drain, and wanting to keep some things private from the private/anonymous blog (huh?) and lots in my relationship with Jason that I wasn't comfortable sharing and then just things got bad (late 2015) and, as I've talked about before, I shut off my writing here and it's been hard to get it back.

Which I then struggle with because part of me realizes I'm writing to a very small (and lovely) group of folks so why am I so concerned about keeping up that (illusion of) privacy sort of wall.  I mean, not that I'm going to suddenly say Hey I'm (real name) and I am a (real job) and I live at (real address) and here's my S.I.N. or anything like that but do I really imagine that if I talk a little more honestly about things I will suddenly gain a million person following and have to explain a few things to my mother?  I dunno.

But the "what if" of potential negative-type consequences still hovers over me and all my online doings.  But I still can't seem to just pack it up and walk away... so... who really knows?


Jason Langlois said...

When I went to therapy, many years ago, and my therapist suggest a group session ... I was boggled to discover that I was not alone in what I thought. That the way I was anxious and "talking" to myself in my head wasn't unique. In fact, it was so common in the group, they thought I was a plant by the therapist.

I know a lot of what you're talking about resonates with me, and is similar to my own experiences. I wish any of the mechanisms I use to cope would work for you, but I've discovered that while the thoughts are often the same, how we can handle them is unique to each of us.

Your ability to blog and write as well as you do makes me continually glad you continue as much as you can. I read every post and appreciate how much behind the scenes effort has gone into those posts. I've also appreciated every bit of honest openness you've risked sharing with us.

Victoria said...

Group stuff can be really interesting. I went to a group for anxiety folks and it was amazing to me to see all these people who seemed really "all together" on the outside and were just as freaking out on the inside as I was. And yeah, wouldn't it be great if there was just one perfect way to handle things that we could all share with each other with a guaranteed success rate!!

And thank you, as always, for your ongoing support and encouragement, you're one of the ones that keep me coming back to keep going!