Thursday, 25 March 2021

Look, I Just Really Don't Know

I was heading home from a walk a couple of days ago (yay me, good job, yay!) and the walk isn't really the point of this, but a thing that happened as an example of the sh*t that goes on in my brain all the damn time that I'm really tired of but yet still having a hard time making... go away.  You know?

So I'm heading home and I pass by this stone/rock wall and I notice that it has some (what I assume is) lichen growing on it and the combination of the yellow lichen and the beige stone is a really nice visual and I think to myself, as I'm walking at a fair clip, oh, that would go with that *other* photo I took of the shades of brick I saw and then I could make it a little series of man made things and the interesting shades and tones that happen with weathering... and as I was having that mini conversation in my head I had also noticed that there was a car at the intersection and my brain went "ok, but you can't stop to take that photo because the car people will notice" so I just kept on walking.  I kept on walking, really wanting to stop and turn around but I was stuck on the fact that the car was there.

And honestly, I don't even know what the concern/fear is.  So they notice.  And then?  Is it that they'll think I'm weird?  Is it that they'll wonder what I'm doing?  Is it that they'll mock me in their car as they drive?  I DON'T KNOW!!!! All I know is that my brain notices them there and that's somehow enough for me to not do the thing I kind of want to do.

And this, really, is a prime example of how my particular type of "social anxiety" or maybe even just GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) functions.  Little things like a car with people being there stops me.  Not from speaking in public, not from like smiling at a stranger when I walk by (at a distance) but like these random things I don't even really think about but that just happen.

And then I'll beat myself up over it.  (Which makes it worse.)  Like I'll walk along thinking Oh man I should have stopped, why didn't I stop, what is wrong with me?  Should I just turn around?  Well I can't now, but I could but I mean I won't and maybe I'll remember to take a photo next time I come back here but it might be gone by then and I'll probably forget anyway because remembering stresses me out and it would have been so simple to just stop and take the photo and the car people probably didn't care or wouldn't have even noticed and why did I just assume I'm SOOOOO important that stopping to take a photo of a wall is something some random person would care about OMG I HATE THIS!

And yeah... it's tiring and hurtful and it feels like the only way through it is through it, like to catch myself, turn around and take the photo.  And live through the discomfort or weirdness or whatever feeling part of me was trying to avoid.  My brain is complex.  I figure all our brains are.  My brain frustrates me.  And that's hard to deal with.  Especially when I don't actually understand what exactly is going on.  Honestly, I have no idea why it felt like I "couldn't" just stop and take the photo.  I really don't.



Jason Langlois said...

It's so exhausting, too, because then you have to spend all that emotional and mental effort interrogating yourself about it.


Victoria said...

Yep! Sigh