Still Single

When I titled this blog I thought it would be a good humoured attempt at blogging my way through the weirdness of dating and relationships and being single.  I didn't think ahead to when I might eventually get married or no longer be single because I just... kind of wanted to share my thoughts, I didn't think all that far ahead.  I certainly didn't assume I'd still be here all these years later I just was thinking in the now.

I do remember someone (in the self help type world) telling, or warning, me that the blog name was attracting the energy of being single and would therefore keep me single.  Perhaps that person was right.  I thought at the time about changing it, but couldn't really think of anything else to call it and so I told myself that I could always play around with the meaning of "single" and instead of meaning unmarried, I could take it to mean just one.. as in these are the thoughts of one (single) girl (female).

I am, of course, currently not dating, and not technically in a relationship although I really feel like Jason and I are relationship-like and that, for me, is possibly part of why I'm not really actively seeking out dates or anything like that.

I know I talk about and mention Jason a lot, but I also know that I haven't truly honestly talked about him in certain ways or aspects of my life for a long time, for a number of reasons.

And I wish I had.

I talk about this from time to time - wishing I had written here and journalled here through the worst and hardest of everything, but I was afraid and held myself back and I can't really go back in time.  At best, I can use my current recollections of the parts and feelings I remember, but I can't replicate what exactly I was going through or feeling at the time.  Only now exists and all that jazz.

Several weeks ago Jason and I had one of our many, ongoing honest conversations about our relationship and I came to the sharp and intense realization that we were on different pages and likely had been for a long while.

Jason, you see, had been asked out by someone at his (relatively new... six months?) workplace.  Someone certainly up the food chain from him at his work, which I mentioned was likely a sign of romantic interest.  He said it wasn't as a few of them went out for dinner.  I said, from my point of view, that's a safety in numbers thing in case the "date" didn't go well.  He insisted it was all from a point of view of friendship.

Well, fast forward (this was December) and he clued in to the fact that this woman was interested in him.  And he was interested back.  Which I had a huge issue with, for reasons I'm not sure are entirely mature but there you go.

So we talked.  And I came to realize that he has felt single ever since the break up with his ex and has been, in the last few years (two maybe?  we ignore 2020 as a year that existed) he's been open to meeting new people (for the potential of a relationship).  I.  Have not.

It's not that I thought Jason and I were a couple (even though we do couple-like things), and it's not that I was or am in love with him, but I thought we had both sort of decided to just kind of be together and be a couple-not-couple.

Turns out I was the only one thinking this.  And he was surprised to hear my hurt and upset.

We've had lots and lots of honest, open conversations over the years and neither of us have jumped on a "let's get back together" bandwagon but Jason at the start of lockdowns and again a few times since then had said to me that he had been thinking about the two of us being together again.

I suppose I just kind of ran with this thought and assumed he, like me, was sort of ok with a not together status quo but like let's not, you know, look around for anyone else.

So I've been spending the last couple of months wrapping my head around being actually single, since the person I thought I was kind of not single with thinks of himself as single, and is open to meeting someone.... someone who is not me.

You can maybe imagine the ego hit this has been and the hurt and pain this has brought up.  I can fully admit it is not mature in any way to not want to be with someone but to also not want them to be with anyone else.  I get it.  I have wounds.  They're activated.

So yeah.... still single, still me.... still... not sure.

And still wishing I'd talked more openly about things that were impacting me intensely.  But here we are.