Friday, 16 April 2021

A Regret

I was driving home the other night thinking about things... as happens sometimes.

I was thinking about this pandemic.  And about my mental health.  And I was wishing that I hadn't been afraid to write about them here.

I think this came up because recently as I was dealing with the ongoing flickr/blog photo replacement thing, I ended up coming across my posts about the solo trip to Burning Man I took in my van and I had kept notes at that time and was able to write about the trip and how it felt and re-reading all of that brought it all back to me and I was able to remember, very clearly (possibly too clearly, wow) the things that happened that my mind had let go of and I found myself wishing I had that same remembering available around other things.

Like the decline of my mental health and onset of the anxiety as an overwhelming thing.  I really really wish I had written completely honestly about that at the time so that I could look back on it now and either see how far I've come, or give my past self hugs and compassion for having gone through all that.

I know in part I didn't talk about it much because I didn't know how to talk about work things that were messing me up without naming the work I do, so I just avoided the topic all together.  And I wasn't well, so maybe making words make sense wasn't within my capability.... I don't recall.  But I wish I had something more to look back on.  I'm kind of bummed.

Same with the pandemic.  Sure I wrote about it.  But I know I was trying not to cause hysteria or upset and so I was mindful of my words and what I put out... and again, right now I wish I hadn't.  Like I wish I had a more honest first person account to look at, you know?  

I don't know if my thoughts here will change anything because I still want some anonymity and I still don't want to reveal much more about myself or my life and I don't really want to "spread" my anxiety... if that's a thing...

But I dunno.  I wish I'd kept that online diary of a few more things more real.  For myself.  Trying to keep things low key and semi private/anonymous has meant not talking about a lot.  And I suppose I'm having a moment or two of regret about that.


Happydog said...

I have a dim memory of suggesting Heather Havrilesky to you. She writes fearlessly and is amazing. Her Ask Polly is advice is spot on but her Ask Molly (her alter ego) is just jaw dropping writing.
But as a comparison but as an inspiration.
Stay well!

Happydog said...

NOT as a comparison! Aggr.

Victoria said...

Oh, yes, I think you did? Will look again for sure (I think I looked at the time?)

Or maybe not and I'm just making things up ;)

You stay well too HD!!!