Not

I think it's been established that I'm not doing well.

Coping?  Sure, I guess.  But I'm not ok.  And part of what's really really getting to me is that it's June.  Were it August, I could at least sort of say oh well, we're heading into Fall, but right now we're just at the very very very start of Summer.  This is the BEGINNING of Summer.  And so I am genuinely afraid of the next few months.  

And then even if we say "oh, the heat will break" the reality is it might not.  And even if it does, we have fucked up the planet so much that things aren't going to "get better" in the long run.  And people joke and make memes about it, and let's ignore the people who think it's all fake or something (I can't really wrap my head around whatever it is they "think") and the money involved and the corporations who have no need to change (see: money) and the habits and "normal" that people will forget about when Winter hits and oh boy it's soooooo chilly giggle giggle THIS IS NOT OK.

Y'all, I'm not even making sense, I know that.  It's too hot.  It's too too hot.  It's too hot ESPECIALLY for June.  It would be too hot for August but there's such fear I have around "getting through" things this next while.

I can't live at Jason's, it's not my home.  But I can't live in my home.  Sleeping at his place is, I think? a little better temperature wise, but it's still sleeping at someone else's place and it's uncomfortable and not a great sleep.  So I'm not really getting a better sleep being here but at least I'm not as miserable?

I also know my anxiety needs extra careful management right now - to not overthink, to balance planning for the future with not knowing the future and finding what's wise but reasonable.  I know I'm not at my best at all all all.