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I don't like my body.

And before you get mad at me or feel some sort of way about me for saying that, know that that's an improvement on me hating, like flat out hating my body.  So, yeah... not a fan of my body and specifically I suppose I should say that I mean its shape.

I don't like the way my body looks and I never have and now I'm kind of angry about that.

I don't think I thought much about my body as a kid, certainly not what it looked like (as far as I can remember.) But I think many of us hit those teenage years and start to deal with the changes that come with puberty and age and, well... that, for me, is when the hate started.

I'm sure I've talked about it before, but puberty brought me acne (which kids are not nice about and which gave me massive insecurity - I knew I was ugly because of it) and then the combo of puberty and an injury (which stopped me from dancing/exercising for a long span of time) brought me large breasts fairly suddenly and they weren't something I wanted (you really can't dance the same with them, your whole center of balance is different, nevermind the weight and look of them) and I hated them and felt fat.

If you're not a large breasted person, you may not know that most clothing isn't fitted for them and so when you look down or in a mirror at yourself the tshirt or sweater most often falls straight down from the largest part of the breast and that, my friends, looks "fat".  Certainly to an already insecure teenager/girl.  Shirts (with buttons) don't fit either - they tend to pull and gape at the breast, and that again, can tell your brain that you're too fat for clothes.

Unfortunately my well meaning mother also said some things around that time and in later years that reinforced the fat narrative (I've since talked to her about it, and she's apologized and tried to explain what she meant but at no point in my life have I been obese and no one should have told me I was and that's just that.)

So all through my youth (teens, twenties) I hated hated hated my body.  I was fat (in my view.)  And this was the time when you wouldn't necessarily talk to anyone about this but if you did they'd probably say "yeah, me too".

And of course I compared myself to everyone else in high school and they were taller, prettier, omg so much prettier, had clear skin, wore clothes well, etc etc etc.  I hated my body, I hated my face, I hated myself.

It's taken a lot of time and work and re-evaluating to not hate how I look but I still struggle with it some days.  When I'm really really low, Jason will often hear me say that I'm fat and old and ugly.  If he gets frustrated with this he keeps it to himself and he either ignores me or assures me that's not true and not correct and just in my mind.  (Which, when I'm low, I brush off as lies... sigh.)

Lately, I'm struggling with my body and feeling terribly sad that I missed out on being young and pretty.  Because I think I was.  I can look at old photos and objectively see that I wasn't fat, or anywhere near fat.  And by my 20s I seemed to have figured out how to work with the breasts a little bit better so even they didn't do what I thought they did...  I looked good.  And I had no idea.  So it's like I never got to enjoy that.  I never got to be secure in my looks at a time when you are most wanted by the world.  I will never get that back.  I will never be 20 and confident.  Or 30.  Or possibly even 40.... 50?

I hate that.  I hate hate hate that I have hated myself and not seen myself neutrally if not positively.

Even now if someone tells me I'm pretty or something along those lines I think they're lying.  (Lying is oversimplifying but catches the drift of it.)

Some days I can see it.  I can look in the mirror and think "I'm kind of pretty!"  or something like that that would be too embarrassing to type out loud. Other days I look in the mirror and I'm a hideous gargoyle that should never be seen in the light of day omg why do I look so awful?

But also that's just how it goes sometimes.   I've stared following a couple of people online who purposely show themselves not looking great.  Who show how "influencers" pose and compare that to the reality.  They make funny faces and post without makeup and with bug bites and looking "bad" and I appreciate that very much.

But I can't get my age back.  I can't get youth back.  And I haven't yet found a way to turn into a confident person who likes how they look.  

And I'm not thrilled with the shape of my body right now.  Some days I tell myself it's fine - that my body has put on "middle age" weight (just like I saw my Mom do) and it's fine because that's the next phase... a thickening, just as mother nature wants it.  And there is a truth to that.

But I also have not taken the best physical care of my body these last chunk of years.  I was working with a personal trainer for a while but that was expensive (damnit) and then I had nearly four years of shoulders that wouldn't work and I was just getting into swimming and trying again and.... pandemic.

Crap.

Yes I have my bare minimum 20 (more like 40) minutes a day of "walking" but it's not honestly super sustained cardio.  But I'm not punishing myself by saying that's not good enough.

And my diet is crappier than it needs to be.  I've been watching my sugar yes, but not my carbs (which is sugar by a different name) and sure people say "oh, it's lockdown weight, we all did it!" but it's not so much the weight (I'm keeping it off, just not reducing), it's the... flab?  The looseness?  The floppy?  It's seeing the parts of me that were never fat have fat.

And seeing my skin age, and more fat under that skin and holy crap I really don't like my body when I start looking at it.

And that makes me mad.  Because if I'm looking back on my 20s and realizing I was attractive and didn't see it, then how much am I going to hate looking back at now and realizing I didn't see it.  UGH.

So... I'm saying I don't like my body and I don't like that I don't like my body and I'm trying but also pandemic and anxiety and life and motivation and they keep telling me to accept how things are?  So, yeah.. I'm overweight.  Not sure I'll ever be normal BMI again?  I also am not seeing myself neutrally or positively, I see myself very negatively and probably I'm quite wrong.

But I also am trying.  And there has been change.  I think "I look good" more days than I used to.  And I can look at photos from a few (less than ten?) years ago and not hate them anymore.  

A few years ago, I gave myself a selfie challenge.  It was purposely to work on some of this stuff.  I tried to take a flattering (to me) selfie every day for a month.  I think it helped.  When I look at them now I complain "oh that was years ago and I've aged SO much and" blah blah blah so... maybe I should do it again?  

I'm sorry (to myself) that I had bad skin.  I'm sorry that my breasts grew so suddenly so large.  I'm sorry that I didn't and don't appreciate what I have.  I'm sorry that I've ever thought I was fat.  I'm sorry I don't see my own beauty.  I'm sorry I can't see what others see.  I'm sorry.