The Lines

I sat here yesterday thinking and thinking about writing.  Blogging, really.  But it's just a version of writing that technically is public, so, writing. 

I was mulling over the fact that writing seems to help me.  As in, help me process.  Or think things through, or however you want to put it.  And yes I journal or write in a diary every night.  Often just a summary of the day or random thoughts - it's not a "Dear Diary" kind of thing for me but the point of it is I do write every day.  And for a while I was doing "daily pages" from the book The Artist's Way.  I did that for a few months, and it helped.  But then it felt like it didn't because I was getting all my worries out on paper first thing in the morning and then having to go off to volunteer all upset and thinking about the worries and so I stopped.  Have done it a few times here and there, but not consistently again.  Even though it sort of helped... for a while?

Talking helps me too, but right now I don't have many people to talk talk to and one of them's someone I pay (aka a counsellor) and I feel like I should be dealing with stuff while I'm there rather than just babble talking so, you know... back to writing.

I hold back a lot here.  In large part because of the public thing.  And sure, I could make the blog less public, but I mean it's not like I have a huge audience anyway.... not that it's about that.  I think it's more about not wanting to be seen and known, not truly.  It's some version of a fear of rejection or not being liked.  It's a lot of things I'm sure, but the thought I came to yesterday was like... what if I tried to really just write.  To get more things up and out.  To be more honest, even with myself, about things.  To try not to protect and hide so much.  (And by protecting I don't just mean me, I mean those in my life who didn't sign up to be written about, you know?)

But what if I just wrote more and worried less about it being read.  "Well then," the logical voice would say "just write it privately, for yourself, on paper."

Well, right, yes, except I have a blog.  This is it here.... and sometimes when I post something it helps someone else.  Or someone responds in a way that helps me (or supports me or uplifts me or challenges me, or sometimes upsets me.)  Sometimes putting things "out there" is a way to connect and help.  So maybe if I say X Y Z someone random will read the post and think ok wow, I X Y Z too and I'm not alone and I feel better now.  Or maybe someone will read it and think holy smokes I'm so glad I don't have to X Y Z, yikes!

Or honestly, maybe not.  Maybe people just read and shrug and move on.  But for me, I feel connected to the folks I've "met" online, even when I've never really met them.  I've watched kids I'll likely never meet grow up.  I've been delighted to hear about weddings of people across the country or world.  Maybe I stay on and with this platform for me. 

So maybe I'll try, for a while, to just write.  To just let it all out.  To not stop myself when I'm hating everything, because usually I can't write because I am trying to not put that negativity "out there."  But maybe I need to.  For me.  I don't know.  But maybe I'll try.  Warts and all.