I (feel like I)'ve been really struggling the last few months with some pretty intense mental health... uh battles? I was going to say anxiety but then I remembered a nasty nasty "depressive" thing I went through a month or so ago so just a lot. Things have been a lot. "Things" meaning my brain I guess? Or thoughts? I dunno.
I'm coming up to a year back at work, even though it doesn't feel like that and a part of me sometimes mumbles that "part time doesn't count" when I'm here to tell you oh hell yes it does and while my counsellor-medical and support type folks are STOKED by this and keep congratulating me and telling me how amazing this is, workplace and others in that vein... well that's not their job I suppose. So on that end it's been paperwork city and other stuff I won't mention but stressful (for me at least) and so while I was very heavily feeling work pressure last month Jason and I also got into a fight that I have no recollection of what it was about and for whatever reason my "brain" decided to tell me that I should just take my life.
And look, I've had very low thoughts like that before, but usually they're more along the heavily depressed lines of "why bother" while this came across very "sensible" and almost "normal" as a suggestion and that more than anything terrified me.
It was about three or four days worth of fighting this and really only talking to Jason about it and I am so grateful I was able to talk to him about it as opposed to literally having no one. One of the things that helped in the end was Jason pointing out that that week was the week of my period. And something in my brain went OMG IT COULD BE HORMONES!!!! And that was a huge relief.
So I'm starting to talk to my doctor about hormone based stuff, starting with my thyroid (which if we remember "broke" when I was a kid) as our bodies change as we age and hormones get wobbly as we age and so we're upping my dose a little and then in three months if nothing has changed (there are some other potential low thyroid things going on as well) my doctor will refer to me to a specialist (endocrinologist) so I'm trying at it from that end. As well as yes, I told my counsellor types, and Jason insisted I tell C-Dawg as well which was a horribly awkward thing for me to do "like hi ok I'm fine now but Jason wanted me to tell you that last week I wasn't... I... there were ... I had thoughts...." UGH. That sucked.
But for me, at least, in that moment there was no one I wanted to talk to about it. I really really really didn't want to "bother" anyone or call anyone up "out of the blue" with that heavy of a statement, and I felt like the crisis lines wouldn't understand and I got really upset when Jason "threatened" to take me to the ER if I refused to go to his place to "hang out" (aka so he could keep an eye on me when I really just wanted to be alone in my own space).
When I was thinking about wills and estate planning and life insurance the other day it really wasn't related to what I'd gone through but I did say to Jason that maybe there should be checks on people who have a tendency towards depression who are looking into this kind of stuff. But honestly it wasn't that, it was (ironically?) more my people pleasing that comes and hangs out with the social anxiety and me not wanting to upset people in what I hope is a very far away future time. I get in these loops from time to time where I think about old age and not having a partner or spouse or kids or really anyone I'd "expect" to take care of.... whatever comes with that and the life insurance questioning came out of that. (By the way I've got a letter sent off to the group insurance folks as their call centre asked for policy numbers I clearly didn't have so we shall see, but yeah I think I must have gotten booted out or maybe opted out, oh good, I'm getting anxious about it again NOOOOOOOOOO).
So, yeah, I'm ok enough, but that was a particularly awful few days and the month or so since hasn't been much easier for workplace type paperwork type reasons and stuff.
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