The Things

I continue to struggle but resist saying this is just "how it is" because f*ck I hate feeling like this.

Since my ankle got angry a few weeks (months?) back my body stress has been a fair bit higher, which I get, but don't appreciate.

The ankle, by the way, isn't getting worse, which is great, but also hasn't resolved which is confusing and frustrating and for my system, scary. 

Because I don't know precisely what caused it or is continuing to cause it I don't have a clear plan to fix/heal it.

I've stopped wearing the boots I suspect might have triggered it.  Haven't worn them in ages.  I have lowered my daily exercise to work the ankle slightly less.  I have stayed off the treadmill for two weeks in case that was a part of it.  I have been massaging the calves and putting whatever type lotion on the area.  I have seen a physio who said things seem fine structurally and strength-mobility wise.  

Is this yet another part of aging?  Things taking so so so so much time to feel better physically?  

I don't want to "just accept" and "live with" pain and discomfort like I think so many of us do.  But this stuff sets me off big time.

My hip has woken me up a few nights now.  Am I heading towards hip surgery like my Dad?  Do I need to spend thousands of dollars on a new mattress?  (Yes, I've looked, my god they're pricey.)  Sure, I could use to lose a few pounds but my LORD that's seeming hard these days.  (Less weight is easier on joints and things I know.)

I KNOW I am unfit.... not just cardio, but strength for sure.  Remember (if you've been here a long while) how I used to go to the gym so much?  Well that fell away when I became unwell and Covid extended that missing.... and, well it's hard to get back into things when doing them hurts and sometimes bad hurts (vs just "I used that muscle" type hurt) and my mental health doesn't really sit well with liking myself enough to do more things for myself.  

So, yeah, aches and pains and not wanting to rely on pain killers or muscle relaxants and having some awareness of how I'm not really helping the situation (pretty sedentary a lot of the time, etc.) and how as things, like bodies, age, they deteriorate - that's just how it goes.... 

My body's discomfort and pain is on my mind a lot right now and it's generally not that fun to think about and doesn't put me in any sort of good mental health state.

But I'm trying.  And that's something.