My Own Stigma

Holy crap I am unwell right now.

It's been a while since I've been this "not ok", or at least it feels like it has been and this week was the first time (I suppose last week since I'm typing this on a Sunday to post on a Monday) I said out loud, to Jason though so maybe it doesn't really count, that I am not well.

See the thought occurred to me that there are illnesses I'm aware of where people have flare ups, or worse times.  And I mean we all know you twist your ankle or sprain your wrist and you hobble around for a while and you don't necessarily have any trouble or shame or embarrassment around telling people you're injured.  (I mean unless you injured yourself in an embarrassing way but still...)

But I have and feel SO much stigma around mental health.  One of those "invisible" illnesses, eh?  No cast, no limp, no bandaid or brace.  Just a brain that is making existing incredibly hard.  A system that is making leaving the house feel like the end of the world.  That is overwhelmed by putting away the laundry that is drying in the bathroom.  That will wake me up with a panic attack about plans I tentatively agreed to the next day.  THE NEXT DAY!  I'm sure a lot of this is on me and the implicit and explicit things I learned growing up.  "Laziness" being such an insult and being applied to anything and everything someone wasn't doing.  No attempt at understanding the reasoning.  But very much growing up with and in the "suck it up" sort of world.  And even now, well meaning folks will share a meme or a book or a suggestion on how to "feel better".  I read those and I beat myself up for not just "getting over" how I'm feeling.  I don't have a lot of compassion for myself and how difficult it can be, I don't.  And, to be fair, I don't have a lot of compassion for others in my life and world who are dealing with anxiety.  I see them struggling and honestly my thought is "why don't they just do it?"  So that's so heavily, deeply ingrained in my mind.

Which means it was interesting to hear myself say to Jason "I'm really unwell right now."

Because if I had a different type of illness or health issue I'd probably be more ok with saying that.  Like "I'm really sick with a cold right now" vs "I have the sniffles a little bit... might be allergies."  I have awareness that my body goes through things and sometimes it's worse.  My ankle was really really bad for a while and now it's just kind of occasionally not perfect.  Sure, I struggled with that but I also *felt* it physically in a way that made it obvious something was going on. That's really hard for me to do when I'm dealing with feelings.  (Note the oversimplification.)

So it was a big deal for me to say out loud that I'm not well right now.  So I'm typing it out here too.  I'm extra unwell right now.  My mental health and mental state is poor.  No, I don't really know why.  Yes, I'm trying to cope.  No, I'm probably not doing enough with the medications I have for times like this but that's another issue... my resistance to relying on sedative type medications for fear (legit fear I feel) of becoming reliant (semi-addicted.) But I also know that over the years I've had a time like this and been at my counsellor's and they gently remind me it's ok to support my system with these medications for a time.  

But anyway, the point of this post is I'm trying to get used to being ok with telling myself (at least) that there are times when my mental health gets worse.  I get a flare up of my illness, my chronic (f*ck that sh*t) illness.  Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, and right now it's worse.  

I would like to change my own stigma and judgment around mental health and well being.  I would like to stop comparing myself to what I think or the "shoulds" of my upbringing and beliefs.  I would like to be much gentler with myself, especially in these much more difficult times.  

And that, I suppose will lead to more kindness towards others, but it's the kindness towards me I am most in need of.