Smith and Wesson

OK. So where did we leave off?

Besides this and this, I haven't really said anything about the Smith Situation (seems like an appropriate moniker, I've decided, unilaterally, just now.) since the end of May.

This may have led some of you to believe I was moving on and that the relationship was no longer a relationship in any incarnation.

This would have been an erroneous assumption.

Sorry.

I feel like I led you on. I just didn't really know what to say.

The past two months have been a bit of a waiting game for me. Smith and I really had nothing to go on in terms of what might happen or how we'd make it work until we knew how this initial course would go for him and what came next.

And, maybe I was embarrassed to admit that I wasn't moving on, that I was sitting around waiting to see if he might choose me or if something would change to bring him out here or what.

And I wanted to support him. The course was really tough for him in a lot of different ways and I wanted to try to put my fears and insecurities aside and try to be there for him and encourage him and maybe even help him through it somehow.

I felt that if we could just make it through the course, things would settle and clarify and we'd be able to take a look at where we stood. I figured that either:

1) He would continue with pilot training and hopefully get stationed in Victoria for a while during training breaks

or

2) He would continue with pilot training and we'd grow closer and when he got permanently somewhere I might take a leave from work and live somewhere else for half a year or so to see

or

3) He would not continue with pilot training and would come out here and do something else, maybe train to be a spy or go for his PhD, or be my pool boy *

I guess I didn't take the time to consider a fourth option. Most likely because it didn't come up in our conversations over the past few months. But, unfortunately for me, this fourth option is where we stand right now.

It does not currently sound like Smith is planning to come out here. He has reasons. Many. And he keeps reminding me of them whenever I try to talk to him about the possibility of him coming out.

I guess, somehow, somewhere, the elephant in the room changed. Or maybe there were two of those bastards (and goddamnit why won't my space key work consistently?) or maybe it's all just part of the same parcel.

Where it stands right now, it doesn't seem like either of us is willing to move somewhere just to give the relationship a go. I guess I was hoping he was, and it's looking like he's not.

I'm sure there's some way to not take that personally.

I'm sure there's some way to make us stop feeling like neither one of us thinks the other is "worth it" to move for.

I'm sure there's some way to make this all work out without any resentment or anger.

I'm just not sure what that is.

I mean, I guess it makes sense, right? If he's unsure what to do career-wise, shouldn't he get that sorted out first? Sure he should. I guess I would just really like it if he could figure out a career while living out here. Or, better, want to have a career here. Or, even, train for a career here. Or just work here. It's not like he doesn't already have skills and degrees; he's amazingly employable. (And good looking, with really nice eyes, and makes me laugh when I'm grumpy and is good to snuggle with and silly and kind and stuff.)

I really really want a chance to give a relationship with Smith a shot and I'm not sure how that's supposed to happen.

So while the final chapter in this relationship isn't quite completed, I'm bracing for the fact that it might be soon.

But I guess we'll see, right? Anything could happen, really. I suppose it's just back to waiting again.

And when I'm feeling calm and sensible, I tell myself that if Smith and I are meant to be together it will work out, it will be easy, and it will make sense.

When I'm not calm or sensible, I want to do whatever it takes to convince him to come out here so that we can try.

Why aren't I moving for him, you may ask, seeing as I tend to talk only about him coming out here? Well, right now he doesn't know what he's going to be doing. If he stays with the Forces he'll have to go into a different trade and that means training. Somewhere. And then posting. Somewhere. And that means I'd have to wait until he was settled and then give up my job to go where he is to see if things could work out. I guess that's just not very appealing to me, and I feel guilty about that.

And I feel guilty too, for wanting to convince Smith to just move here already because I know how badly that could turn out if he comes *just* for the relationship and it doesn't work.

Sigh.

So I'll try to be calm. Ish. And I'll try to believe that what's meant to be will be.

And when I'm having trouble believing? Well, I guess I'll just have to find something chocolate to eat.


You may want to buy stock in Mars bars or something.








*(I kid, I kid!)



I don't have a pool.