Thursday, 24 May 2007

Just Decide

OK, here goes, rant time. You've been warned.

All I want is to get off the emotional roller-coaster I've put myself on.

And maybe you'll tell me that it really is that simple. Just. Get. Off. Just stop doing whatever it is that's putting you in that situation. And, yes, maybe it is that simple. Maybe I'm not letting it be.

So, here's your chance. Your chance to give me your collective wisdom and advice, because if there's one thing I can't do? It's give myself advice. I never listen to me. Even if I suspect I'm right.

Let me lay it out for you.

I've avoided talking about what's gone on with Smith and I for a few reasons.

One being that it's a bit of a downer and I try to avoid talking about it here, but as it turns out, I'm not talking about it anywhere and am just telling people "it's tough, but I'm fine" when, really, I'm not fine. Unless fine stands for Fucked-up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. Because, if that's the case? Then, hell yeah, I'm F.I.N.E. Damn straight.

Another reason is privacy. I got a carte blanche from Smith to say whatever I wanted about him or us, but I've still tried to keep him and myself as anonymous as possible. Also, once I start talking about what it is he does, it opens up a whole new set of questions I'm not sure I have any answers to and I'm not sure I want to talk about. But, avoiding talking about what he does, when it's one of our major issues isn't helping.

Finally, I'm not sure I have any idea what I'm talking about here. I really feel like I'm free-falling and,damn, it's a sucky feeling. Especially for someone like me whose life is built around the steady and predictable. I like control. I need it. I hate things that are out of my control. Um, hello, welcome to relationships. Especially this one. I know. I'm working on it, the control thing, but it's deeply rooted and it's not going to get fixed in an instant.

So. Let's back up a bit here.

About this time last year I told all my girlfriends I was ready to meet all their single men friends. Or, more realistically, I talked to my one girlfriend I knew actually knew single men in this coupl-ey town. C. told me about this cute guy who still had a girlfriend and another cute guy who was kind of overweight, and then she paused. "Oh!" She said, a glimmer in her eyes. "You should meet Smith."

Smith, it turned out, was one of her husband's best friends. In fact, they had all met on the same day. C. told me that Smith is totally hot and that if things didn't go well with her hubby she'd totally take Smith on as a second husband. "The only problem" she concluded "is that he lives in Montreal or something right now." So we put him on the back burner and went on with our lives.

Fast forward.

It's now summer and C. calls and tells me I *have* to come over to a barbecue at her parents' place. She insists I go, not just to hang out, but because "that hot guy Smith is going to be there". I ask her what he does and she says "oh, he used to steer Navy boats, but now he wants to fly jet fighters or something. But," she says "he's got a Masters, that's how he knows hubby. They were Science geeks together."

"OK." I say, "You're telling me he's hot and he's my age and he's single? What's wrong with him?"

C. goes on to tell me that he married a crazy French chick and they've since split up. No kids. Just a not very nice divorce. (Are they ever?)

So I go to the barbecue and I meet this Smith character. He's cute, definitely and I made a point of sitting down with him. Sure enough, he tells me that he was a Naval reserve officer and that he wants to be a pilot and that he lives in the Maritimes. I don't remember what else we talked about as I see people involved in the military as being "non-dateable." Plus, I'd already told myself I'd never do long distance again, and a two-hour drive this was not.

But he sticks in my head. Possibly something about him attracts me. Possibly C. not letting it drop. "He's coming to Victoria in December" she tells me "He told hubby to 'keep an eye on you' until he got back to town"

"Well, yeah," I said, "but isn't he in the Navy? I don't "do" Navy."

"Nope!" she says "He was just in the reserves. He's got his Masters, he's super smart! He's awesome. He's totally my back up husband. Plus," she giggles, "one of my friends *has* to sleep with Smith, just so I can find out what he's like in bed."

We laugh about it, but I do find myself thinking about this guy. (Great guy, going to move back to town). C. tells me every so often over the next few months that Smith has asked how I'm doing. I keep asking her when he's moving back to Victoria and she keeps saying she doesn't know.

Eventually, he comes to town for a weekend and C. has me over for a couple of drinks in the evening. I get all nervous and dress up all pretty and nothing much happens. I flirt (to the best of my abilities) and go away thinking about him even more.

Time passes.

And then there's the dinner party. Smith and I have been bugging C. and her hubby about each other, or so C. tells me. C. is determined that we meet up. And now her hubby's in on it too. He calls me telling me I HAVE to be at this dinner party. The dinner party that occurs the weekend after I've spent two days hanging out with the funniest co-worker ever. Co-worker with a girlfriend. Co-worker who makes me feel like maybe I'm not ready for a relationship after all. Co-worker I have to admit to myself that I'm interested in.

So, Smith and I have a non-eventful evening as two shy people trying to figure out how on earth to talk to each other. I leave that evening rolling my eyes at C. and telling her that guys are dumb and if they go out the next morning they should call my cell and I'd meet up with them.

C., matchmaker galore, gives my cell number to Smith and tells him that I want him to call me. He does. We go for a date. It lasts late into the evening. There is a connection. I find myself thinking "don't do it" and I ignore the thought. I let myself open up to the possibility of falling for this guy.

He leaves. For the other side of the country.

We start talking. Every day. We send emails to each other at work. All day. And then we talk all night.

I get confused. I start to feel like I'm falling for this guy.

And I start to want to slam on the breaks. This guy is in the military. He's going to be in the Air Force. Wait, he IS in the Air Force? What am I doing? I do not want to be a military wife. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Not only do I have my own personal thoughts about the Forces (and no, don't get into it with me here please) but I do not want to live a life that involves moving. And a husband who may go off for months at a time and possibly get killed. And moving. Anywhere. Whenever they say. Not living in this beautiful town. This town that I've chosen to live in. This town that I fought tooth and nail to get my job in. This town where my heart settled. I don't want to leave. It's my home. Military families move.

This is a deal-breaker for me, the military thing. It always has been, like smoking. I would never date a guy who smokes, and I would never be with a guy who was in the forces. The military. Whatever I'm supposed to call it. I just wouldn't.

Which begs the question; why do I even start?

I think can answer that for you.

C. didn't necessarily tell me he was a military guy. She told me he was a guy with his Masters who was just re-evaluating his life after an unhappy divorce. She told me he was coming back to Victoria. This is who I set him in my mind as.

When I first started getting to know Smith I avoided talking about what he actually did for the first little while. I told him very clearly that I could not date someone in the forces. He told me that he understood that and respected that.

And we just kept on going.

We kept on talking and romancing and I kept on feeling more and more panic settling quietly inside me. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? What the hell was I playing at?

But, damn it feels good when you're first connecting with someone. The day we first went out on a date, he told me that he was going to have to come back out to see me. Soon.

And he did.

And it was glorious.

We tried to talk about "the big picture" and I tried to explain that I wasn't one to up and move, that I wasn't willing to give up my life here in this town for anything, especially not the military life. And somewhere in those first few weeks I heard whispers of "maybe". Maybe he could become a spy like me. Maybe he could get his PhD. Maybe, maybe it'd all be worth it. Maybe I'd mean that much to him. I clung to these whispers as if they were the gospel. I BELIEVED, I hoped, I hung everything on them. If, if, if. If I was the woman of his dreams (like he once believed his ex-wife was) of course he'd quit the military and come to be with me. It'd be amazing. Could you imagine someone loving you that much?

I could.

And we didn't talk about it. We talked about the distance and the difficulty I had with the four hour time difference and we talked about how hard it would be for one of us to move for the other but damn, didn't we want that to happen? Wouldn't it be marvelous when we lived in the same city?

And I knew I was rushing. We talked early about big things. Marriage, future. And I told him I needed to back off, that we couldn't talk about these things, except maybe in whispers.

And we ignored the elephant in the room. Me not wanting to be a military wife. Him not wanting to give up his dream of being a military pilot.

His entire life, this is what he's wanted. And I care for him enough to tell him he has to go for it. That he must chase down this dream, knowing all the while that I'm shooting myself in the foot. Knowing that if I want this relationship, I need him out of the forces. I need him in this town.

Things start to get difficult. Stressful. My life heads into an icky spell. Work is tough, love life is confusing. I'm not sleeping.

Smith comes out to visit again.

It's hard.

We fight. A lot.

I don't know why. Is it because of that damn elephant? Is it because I'm stressed out and not sleeping? Is it because we're not a good match? Is it because he's in my space? Is it because for the first time in my life I have the guts to stand up for myself in a relationship? Is it because I'm not ready for a "real" relationship? What is it? I NEED to know. I need to find out. I need answers. Clarity. Something.

By the time Smith's visit is up, the good times have been outweighed by the bad. For me, it's glaring. Smith is more positive and feels that it's just bad timing and that I'm extra stressed out with work.

I see it as a sign. And I decide I can't take it anymore. I can't do miserable and fighting and I'm not happy.

I tell him I think I want to take a break, to sort through some things.

We finally talk about the elephant and it's made very clear for the first time. Maybe ever.

Smith is two weeks away from starting his training to be a Canadian Forces Pilot. Smith is hoping that if he gets some posting time near Victoria while he's on breaks from training we might grow into such a committed couple that I'll move with him. Be a military wife.

I am hoping that he will choose me over being a pilot. I'm hoping that he picks a career that plants him in Victoria permanently and we can see if we're a good couple when we live in the same damn town. I tell him that I can reconcile myself to marrying someone in the military if that person lives in Victoria with me. Forever. He tells me that he can not promise this. It's not a reality. I ask him to consider it. We start re-hashing old scenarios that I've clung to since the beginning. Could he not do something with the forces that are stationed here? Could he not train as a pilot and then join the Coast Guard, also stationed here? Could he not just be here. With me?

No. He can't promise that. It's not that simple. Plus, this is his dream. He wants to fly planes, not fighters, but planes that are not based in Victoria.


We leave it as "let's see."

And my heart breaks into a bunch of little pieces and I watch him trying to figure out how he's supposed to help me through this.

And he flies away back to the maritimes, where he packs up his stuff and takes off to the training program in Manitoba.

Which is where we are now.

I can not, for the life of me, find any emotional stability. One minute I'm angry at him for wanting me to give up my life for him. The next minute I'm missing him terribly and just wanting him to be here to give me a hug. Before I know it I'm horrified that I ever considered marrying into the military lifestyle and the next minute he sends me the first email in the week since he got there and I'm high as a kite because I'm so happy to hear from him and isn't that a sign that we should be together?

It's awful. I can't be sad and move on because I'm not ready to give up. I can't be calm and in love because I don't want to end up moving out of my town and my comfort zone and my job. Smith is asking that I hold on 'til August. At that point there is a tiny possibility he won't have made it through his training selection at which point it's all off. I know in my heart he'll make it through, so that's not something I'm waiting for. He may also be able to get a posting out this way for a few months between training sessions. (Two years worth of training, by the way, to get your wings) In my mind, this would be the best option, he gets posted out here, we have a few months together to see if we're a good couple or if the fighting continues and we're not meant to be a long-term couple anyway.

But Smith's closed off. In some ways I can't expect any less, I pushed him away and told him I wanted to take a break. But in another way, he's told me he's doing it because he's determined to focus on his training and that's hard for me to hear.

We talked for the first time in a week tonight. I was so thrilled to hear from him, but I didn't know what to say. He's off in his own little world and I can hear it in his voice. He's not there for me and I can feel it. I don't know what to think. I've told him I want to wait til August to see what happens, but I don't know if I can do it if he's going to be so emotionally detached.

I asked him if he'd thought about things since he got there. We'd had a big talk before he left and I'd done nothing but think about things since then. He said "Honestly?" And I answered for him "You haven't."

Maybe that's my answer. He may have thought about me, but he didn't think about us. He says he can't. He says he has to be emotionally selfish and focus on his intense training.

Which leaves me wondering; how am I supposed to do this, long distance for two years, with this emotional distancing, this focus on training for two years, and knowing that at the end of it all I'm supposed to want to move across the country with him?

No. Can't.

But, my counter-argument to everything is that nothing's set in stone. Nothing is set. Maybe I'll decide I hate being a spy and want to become a gardener or librarian somewhere else in Canada. Maybe I'll decide that I'm up for an adventure. Maybe I'll decide I'm madly in love with the characters on Lost and I'm going to stalk them. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't want to be a pilot. Maybe he won't be selected past this round. Maybe he'll fall madly in love with me and move here. Who knows?

I sure don't.

But I need to be OK. I need to be doing better than just coping. I need to get off of this hideous mental and emotional roller coaster.

I'm not good at letting go. I'm not good at waiting and seeing. I'm not good at trusting and having faith. I want to know. I wish I could just decide.

Just decide to either move on and forget about Smith or to wait and see what happens, being happy while I wait.

That's my key. I just want to be happy. Content. At peace.

I thought taking a break would make me happy, I thought it would be a relief. It hasn't been. I've just been sad and lonely. Miserable. I find myself staring at the fridge when I'm supposed to be looking for my toothpaste. I've talked to this guy every day for nearly four months. How else am I supposed to feel?

I can't seem to win. With him I'm anxious and frustrated and scared. Without him I'm sad and miserable and low. Which would you choose? Neither? Yeah, me too.

I've distracted myself plenty for the last couple of weeks. And I've been so up and down I'm surprised I'm still functioning some days.

So. Advise me. Help me. You don't really know it all, but you know the basics of who we are and where we're at. Show me any glaring holes in my logic and listen to me as I argue illogically back at you. Give me some of that objective advice. Tell me to walk away, tell me to stay and believe in love. Tell me to go, tell me to stop. Just tell me. I'm so over flying high one minute and crashing the next. I need some stability. Some consistency.

I just need to decide and stick with it.

In or out.

As my Dad said to me once; "Shit or get off the pot."


But I'm paralysed you see. Fear-filled either way. Being with him is scary as hell, means things may happen I do not want to happen. Being without him is scary too. Lonely. Means being without someone I've grown to care about and have grown close to and have shared a lot of myself with. It means maybe making a mistake. It means having to start again. I don't know if I can.

Fix it, my darlings.

I'm not listening to anyone else's advice. Maybe I'll listen to yours.


Blogger Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

First, you need to believe in love. Whether or not that love is with Smith or not, I can't say, but you should still believe in love.

Next, I also agree there is a great deal of importance in his being stationed near you during training breaks. I don't think either or you can make such a decision as to whether or not to compromise your current life in hopes that a life together will be better if you haven't spent some time in the same region and been able to do normal couple things.

If that does seem to work out, I'd have to ask how long his pilot career is expected to last? I never wanted to be a military wife, either, and yet, I am now. But, I know our military life is short-term, involving one military move next year and then only moving if we choose to after that because my husband is not making a 20-year career out of the Navy. Then again, I'm not all that attached to my job or where I currently live, and my job looks like it may be able to be home-based soon, so even if the job was an issue, it probably won't be now. The one thing this area in which I live has that others don't is my family. As much as I'd love to pack them all up and take them with us wherever we end up, I can't, but that doesn't mean I won't move away. I want to love the place I live, too, and I just don't love it here. If Smith's military career is not destined to be long, then maybe it is possible to agree to the military life for that time with the promise to come back to civilian life in Victoria.

I wish I could tell you what to do, but I've never been in the place you are in right now. I'm not committed to my job, and I don't love where I live, so choosing to leave those things to be with the man I love was an easy choice for me. Only two questions to maybe help you...maybe. Is your life in Victoria enough to make you happy into your twilight years? Or do think on some level you could be happy wherever you are as long as you are with someone you love, who loves you back? For me, I knew I could be happy anywhere with the right person, and that is what made my decision for me. For you, it may be different, but maybe that will help.

Friday, May 25, 2007 6:25:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

oh poop, I have to go to work Woo Woo. I don't want to spend my work day bursting into tears so I'll be back to read and think about your comment later. Thanks

: )

Friday, May 25, 2007 7:56:00 am  
Blogger Laura said...

Well, it's all very complicated isn't it? I can't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes based on the information I have read here. It sounds like you are signing yourself up for a life you decided a long time ago that you don't want if you stay with him, and you are not even sure that things will work out with him anyway.

When I was in university, I fell head over heels in love with a guy who grew up in my university town. I was training for a high-powered office job and had high aspirations. My chosen career had lots of room for advancement. This guy was in college at the time to do something with cars, I can't remember exactly what, but he dropped out shortly thereafter to become a truck driver. Now, this is absolutely nothing against truck drivers. We need them in this country, they fill a need. But a truck driver and an office executive are not a good match. Also, I wasn't happy about his long absences on road trips. I worried constantly he was in car accidents. We no longer had interesting, philosophical discussions, he was "too drained to think hard." I wanted someone who would challenge me. Instead he wished I would aim lower so that he wouldn't feel like he was being outdone by his partner. And there was no way he was moving from his small town to a city on the west Coast. And there was no way I was going to live in Guelph forever, I would go stir crazy.

But boy, did we love each other. And for that reason, we had a rocky relationship, we fought all the time - I mean, I'd pick fights for no reason and we would have screaming matches till our voices were hoarse. We broke up 4 times. I forgave him too much. But we just wouldn't let go because we loved each other so much. We were miserable together, but I told myself that at least we were together. I wasn't able to finally put him behind me until I moved back to Vancouver where he wouldn't follow me.

My point is that sometimes love isn't enough. You have to have similar values, similar goals, and want the same type of lifestyle. For me, those things are *very* important because even if one gives up their desired life for the other, even if they love you that much, they will resent you for the life they never had. You know this. If you became a military, traveling wife for Smith, you'd resent the fact that you had to give up your life in Victoria. It would be the same if Smith gave up his military pilot dream for you.

I think it sounds like you are Smith love each other very much but instinctively know your goals aren't compatible. But you don't want to let go. I don't think there's such a thing as waiting to be ready to let go, I think you just make the break when you recognize that it needs to be made and then you move through the emotions and then you move on. You're feeling stuck and miserable because you haven't made the break, and you can't move on until you make a decision. (I don't think that "being on a break" in theory matters. You're still emotionally invested. You haven't given up on the relationship. And you're still in touch with Smith, so you're not on a break in your heart)

Anyway I'm not telling you what to do, but that's what I see. I think you should evaluate where you and Smith are on the compatibility scale in terms of values and goals and lifestyle as well as how you feel about each other, because those things are very important too. And make a decision from there.

That's my two cents. More like two dollars really. Sorry I was so long-winded!

I really wish you all the best. This is a tough thing to go through no matter what choice you make. But you will be okay again. "This too shall pass."

Friday, May 25, 2007 9:45:00 am  
Blogger Likalia said...

I am not going to reiterate the comments that Woo Woo made, all valid points though.

I am what most people call a realist, I fall in love quickly then my greater logic centres kick in and I analyze the hell out of the entire relationship. You kind of sound like you do the same.

While I am all for finding love and being happy wherever you are due to another person, I also have to say, no one should base their own happiness on someone else. People change, circumstances change.

I have been in love and had to tell that person that we were not going to continue the relationship because I didn't want to be the person they uprooted their life for. I can respect someone wanting to do that, but I also believe deep down they will regret changing the plans they have made for themselves to be in the relationship. It was horrible, and painful, but in the end for the best.

People are complex and even when we have the best intentions of changing our lives to be in love, it does not guarantee anything. There are no guarantees at all really, except that in the end you are the only person that will truly be able to make the choices that are best for you.

We can give you all the advice in the world and still you’d be conflicted. No one wants to think selfishly; no one wants to say I want this or I want things my way. You fought to get the job you have in the city you wanted, you shouldn’t have to give that up. Smith is now going to fight to get the job he wants, you’ve encouraged him to do that because you care about him. Now you step back, put on the reruns of Lost, drink some hot chocolate/wine/whatever, try to allow things to play out how they will. If Lost has taught us nothing else it is that sometimes you just have to have a little faith that things will work out fine. (And not in the Italian Job sense.)

Did that make any sense? I have no idea; the coffee has yet to kick in this morning. How about just *hugs*, cause those always help. :)

Friday, May 25, 2007 9:48:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


sleep time.

I've read, I've thought, I've re-read. I'll be back in the morning.


Saturday, May 26, 2007 12:11:00 am  
Blogger McGone said...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also tends to clear the head. You are ass deep in the middle of a cycle you unfortunately have to go through. I've gone through this, all too recently even, but I don't regret it. I'm in a good place now love-wise. It may not have been so good if I hadn't gone through the learning experience of a relationship that hurt.

I'm of course not promising you that once you are through this you will be in a good thing, but if you look at is as a natural evolution process for "Victoria," you can look back on it later as something necessary.

Until then it sucks. But Laura is right - "This too shall pass." If you thought enough to type all this out, that means you want to get beyond it, and make things better. You are on your way. Just be strong until then.

Saturday, May 26, 2007 1:27:00 pm  
Blogger Yvonne said...

Well, I'm the last person you want advice from given that I've fallen for men who had "deal breaker" written all over and I've ignored more than 1 red flag.
I still can't decide whether to listen to my heart or my brain!

I do think it's important to be open-minded about, well, everything. Had I closed myself off from being with guy x because he was part-time smoker, I would have never experienced the love of my life. Losing that was one of the worst things ever but I am not sorry for having experienced such a great love.
Often things are not as we think they are or will be.

Like you, I crave stability, security and ultimately being in control. I am terrified of stepping outside of my comfort zone but at the same time, I know that I need to do just that in order to really experience life. I also believe in the power of entropy, and if we don't create it ourselves, the universe will do it for us. (That has certainly been my experience! Bah!)

I agree about postponing an ultimate decision until you've had a chance to have some real time together as a couple. (Though I'm still thinking about that post you made about not really remembering him when you got back from your vacation...)

Hopefully I haven't confused you even more. ;(
We need one of Desmond's visions here!

Saturday, May 26, 2007 5:34:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Woo-Woo: When I first read what you said, I thought “Of COURSE I believe in love, why wouldn’t I?” And then when I thought about it more, I started to wonder. I think I believe in the idea of love, but I’m not sure I trust that it’s going to happen to me anymore. Something to think about. And yes, I think it’s important that he try to get some significant time here between training sessions. We really have never had a chance to be a “real couple” and be normal. So, if that does work out and he gets stationed out here and we are a good couple I’m not sure how long his career would last. When we first met he thought maybe he could make it be only a few years, 4 or maybe 8 and then go into other, related things, even still in the forces, but that would still let him be here. Now that he’s started his training and things aren’t in the romantic glow of first love he’s saying that he can’t predict or promise anything. I can see him making this a life long career. That’s one of those things that’s up in the air. (ha, no pun intended) I’m sure if we had the opportunity to be a ‘normal’ couple we’d talk about how long he was committing for and what that meant for living here and whatnot. As for your questions… is my life in Victoria enough to make me happy into my twilight years. I don’t know. Friends, family, stability. If I were to be single for the rest of my life, I have all those things here. I really love this town and I’m comfortable here and I have friends and acquaintances here. Those are good things. Plus, I’m close enough to my hometown that my old friends aren’t too far away either. On the other hand, I do think if I found the PERFECT guy I could be happy with him. Maybe. Possibly. As long as it was perfect and amazing. And, well, realistically, nothing’s ever going to be perfect , is it? So, I don’t know. I don’t think I’d know until I was in it. You’ve given me things to think about though, that’s for sure.

Sunday, May 27, 2007 12:53:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Laura: Complicated? Yes. You have the gist of it : ) I guess right now I’m trying to figure out if this is a crossroads that I need to move on from. Like, do I just call it quits right now or keep hanging on and hoping for something to change, or for a massive sign. It clicked with me when you said to make sure we have similar values, goals and want the same type of lifestyle. I guess it’s not entirely clear to me what Smith wants from his chosen career and lifestyle and my suspicion is that what I want is different from what he’s hoping for in that area. But, to be fair, we haven’t talked about it. The whole relationship is new enough that we just never sat down and talked about it. Too sensitive. I do agree, though, that one of us giving up our life for the other will lead to resentment. I’m not sure of any way around that. I can imagine having a good life and then getting into a fight and someone saying “well, I gave up EVERYTHING for you and you can’t even remember blah blah blah!” And that would never be good. I am already resentful of the fact that he’s hoping I’d give up my life here for him and it hasn’t even happened yet. Sigh. And yes, we don’t want to let go. Certainly, I don’t. I haven’t made the break completely, no. It’s not a good skill of mine. I’m not sure I know how to give up on us. Thanks for your two cents worth. I know logically that things will be okay eventually, it just seems like I don’t know if I can get to the “eventually”, ya know?

Sunday, May 27, 2007 1:00:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Likalia: You’re like me; fall in love quickly and then analyze the hell out of it. It’s tiring, no? And, yes, you also make a good point about regretting changing plans for a relationship. I’ve done that too many times already, sometimes little, sometimes big. True also that me getting this job here was tough (and lucky) and is something that’s difficult for people to do. Sure, you can be a spy anywhere, but EVERYONE wants to be a spy in Victoria and it’s so hard to do. I don’t what to have to give that up. Why can’t I just say I’m not going to to it and move on? I’m stuck and unable (unwilling?) to move on. Hopefully time will help. OK, so now I’m supposed to step back, right? Right. OK. Right. I do have the season finale of Lost on tape to watch, that’s a start. And there’s probably some chocolate around here somewhere. I just don’t want to give in to feeling miserable in case that never goes away. I so want to have faith that things will work out fine, but it’s hard when my relationships never seem to do so. : ) And, yes, I’ll take those hugs!

Sunday, May 27, 2007 1:06:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

McGone: I hate being ass deep. Really. I’d much prefer it if I could not go through the cycle and just come out the other end with the knowledge. Like, Matrix style or something. I know I can usually look back on old relationships and say “well, I’m glad that I learned blah blah” but I don’t want to have to go through all that. And, I don’t want to have to try to start another relationship. Ever. Don’t wanna put myself out there for yet another person to be wrong yet again. It’s just too much. So, yes, it sucks right now and I don’t want to deal with sucky right now. But the thinking and typing out of it all did help. It was good to talk about it, get it out. It didn’t necessarily answer anything, but it was good to get it out loud. I do want to get beyond it, I’m just not sure if that means being on my own or giving everything up for the possibility of Smith. I know what sounds realistic and smart, I just need to get myself there. It sucks. I’m tired of being strong too. It’s over-rated. I just want to go be miserable and not have to grow up, be strong and get over it. But, I guess I’ll be strong. For the children. No, wait.. um, for the…. Uh… just because? Right.

Sunday, May 27, 2007 1:11:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yvonne: You’re exactly who I want to hear advice from. I want to hear as much of it from as many people as possible. Then I can hear what comes out in general and trust that. You know, trust in the knowledge of humanity kind of thing. Like, polling the audience in “So You Want to be a Millionaire” I also know logically that I need to be open to things and I know logically that I need to force myself out of my comfort zone, it’s just so tiring when it happens in more than one area of life. I believe the old saying “God never gives anyone more than they can handle” (or something like that) and I’m sure I can handle a lot, I just get tired of *having* to handle stuff, you know? And, let me tell you, what I wouldn’t give for one of Desmond’s visions. Or… just Desmond!!!!! Although, his vision may have led Charlie astray so……. Just send me Desmond. With beard and open shirt, please! ; )

Sunday, May 27, 2007 1:16:00 pm  
Anonymous ynbf said...

I'm so sorry. I never thought it was so tough.

First, I must agree with Laura. Second, a PhD will not result in
stability. In fact, it's the opposite. Most people who specialize to
such an extent must travel across the world to find a suitable
position. That is one of the downside for being ambitious; the
higher you go, the less stability there are.

What I found in life is that there is no such thing as a bad choice.
If you always made the "right" choice, resulting in the most comfort,
you will never appreciate your situation. Suppose you found Mr Right
in highschool and lived happily ever after, will you really
appreciate him? Even the bad boyfriends were "good" because it's part
of experiencing life, from the good to the bad.

Sunday, May 27, 2007 7:35:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks YNBF.

I know that a PhD would not give stability. I have two girlfriends who are now moving with their husbands because they have just finished their PhDs. You would think it should be the opposite; those who work hard get to chose their ideal lifestyle, but it's not.

I agree that even the "bad" boyfriends end up being good because of what you learn from the experience... it's just the getting through the learning part that's hard. ; )

Sunday, May 27, 2007 7:50:00 pm  
Blogger Jonathan said...

Being completely remote and detached about the situation you find yourself in (and not having read anybody elses comments), I noticed one glaring thing in your story.

He's not changing his plans at all. He started out wanting to be a pilot, and he's doing it. You started out not being happy with him being in the military (for a number of very good reasons), and your concerns have made no difference.

All I am saying is be careful. There's this word "compromise", and there doesn't seem to be much of it going on... what about what YOU want.

Monday, May 28, 2007 3:23:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Jonathan, I'm so glad you mentioned that, because I think a lot of my anger (and maybe the source of our fighting) came from that. I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt that. Most definitely something I will be keeping in mind. Thanks.

Monday, May 28, 2007 8:02:00 am  
Blogger cocoa_no_gogo said...

Just my opinion:

I agree with Laura. There are other factors than just love to consider.

You are already painfully aware that your relationship with Smith has no long-term future without compromise and eventual resentment. I'm impressed that you had the fortitude to break it off.

It was a nice four months of your life though, and Smith seems like a good guy to have connected with.

Six months ago there was no Smith;
I look forward (as should you) to discovering what life brings your way next.

Good Luck!!

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 12:08:00 pm  
Blogger cdnsugr said...

I found your blog totally by accident, and just had to drop you a quick note. Your hurt and hope and confusion just jumps out from your post... and I feel for you, I really do!
I'm one that certainly has no business giving others advice on their love lives, but this line really struck me...
'With him I'm anxious and frustrated and scared '
Hmmm. As I read it, you're looking at re-evaluating what you'll accept in a relationship, you're considering the possibility of moving, changing careers, leaving friends. And he's following his dream. That, to me, is the elephant in the room that hasn't been discussed (and maybe hasn't even been acknowledged?). The fact that in order to be together he'd be living his dream, and you'd be giving up yours.
I believe in love, and I'm holding out hope that he shows up at your door, suitcases in hand, ready to work for the Coast Guard in Victoria. But until that happens, I think you might have to be happy with what IS right now, rather than the hope or possibility of what COULD be at some magical point in the future.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 3:56:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Cocoa: I agree, there are always other factors than love to consider, it's just hard to put them first sometimes when there are so many feelings involved. Those feelings get in the way and complicate things and man, oh man.
I guess I am aware of what the future would bring for Smith and I...compromise, certainly, and resentment, most likely.
I'm sure I'll look back on it fondly-ish eventually.
And, I'm sure I'll also, eventually, start looking forward to what (who?) is around the corner.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 4:41:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Hi cdnsugr, glad you accidentally found your way here! Even gladder you commented. (Wait, that's not a word...oops)
I really appreciate what you've said, because before hearing from a few people here, it really hadn't occurred to me just how angry it was making me that I was considering massive change for him while he was getting to follow his dream. No, I don't think the two of us have talked about that directly, who knows if we will. I can't ask him to give up his dream to TRY a relationship with me and he's certainly not offering. It seems obvious at this point when you look at it that way.
I think I too will secretly hold on to that hope of him showing up with suitcases ready to work for the Coast Guard in town. I like it! Made me smile ; )
And, until that day, I do have to keep searching for a way to be happy with what is instead of waiting for what might be, true. Oh, Hollywood, look what you've made me believe in!
I guess I'll just keep moving forward for now.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 4:46:00 pm  
Blogger danish said...

This is a little late, but hey... better late than never, I guess. ;)

Everyone who commented left exceptional bits of wisdom. Your situation is bad now, but everything will be okay, just as the cliche goes. If it helps, I have an ex who I have seven years of history with--our paths do not cross all the time, but they do cross sometimes (like when I move across the country to where he is, for example) and, if he IS the one, I'm sure they will cross a final time and that will be it.

It's hard not to fret about it and drive yourself crazy, but your different life situations right now might be trying to tell you that it's not time yet. Maybe you guys aren't "ripe" yet. Gosh, that sounds weird. I hope you get the gist of that.

Anyways, feel better. Ben & Jerry's Half-Baked ice cream is really good. It's chocolate and vanilla swirled with brownie and cookie chunks.

Thursday, May 31, 2007 2:44:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Danish: I got a good giggle out of the images that sprung into my head at us not being ripe yet ; ), but I do know what you mean! lol
I know things all work out for the best and it's all meant to be and what will be will be and all that, I just don't know if I can move on while still kind of hoping it will work out sometime in the future. I dunno... am just focusing on the "not driving myself crazy" part right now.
: )

Thursday, May 31, 2007 3:56:00 pm  
Blogger Delton said...

Another comment here, just to draw your attention back to this post....

This certainly tells a whole lot more of the story that I hadn't known about yet. I've got to read through the rest to see if anything changed since this, but if it hasn't, if you guys kept up with the on again off again stuff and he never offered you more of a possibility of moving, then that's just not good. No wonder this relationship's been so difficult. It seems that many of the answers are right here in this post and the comments.

Hope you're having a good day! :)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 10:44:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Delton. It may be time for me to do some re-reading too.

It's always more complicated than I put down here but, yeah...

: )

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 7:43:00 pm  
Blogger Roland Hulme said...

That was a beautifully written post...

Hey, if it's his dreams against his heart I guess you've got to do the right thing and let him follow his dreams - otherwise he'll always resent you for not letting him follow them through.

If you love something, set it free and all that bollocks.

I've broken up with girls I adored because I was so intent on achieving something and I know that I'd never have forgiven them if they'd convinced me to stay.

We men are weird and dumb.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 9:00:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Roland,
And yes, I did, as best I could, let him follow his dreams since I knew the possible resentment wouldn't be worth it. "All that bollocks, indeed" ; )
I giggled at your "men are weird and dumb" comment. My brother says men are simple and dumb. So... six and half a dozen really.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008 11:43:00 am  
Blogger Just Sayin... said...

how did I miss this post?

Wow. Men are simple and dumb. Some are weird too. Agreed.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011 8:57:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Thursday, June 16, 2011 2:17:00 pm  

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