Sigh

You probably haven't noticed it because you're not me, but I usually wait a bit before I tell you about meeting someone.

I guess I usually like to give it some breathing space to see which way it's going to go. I mean, there's no point in telling you "I had a date today!" when by the time the post is half a day old, I might have gotten a message letting me know there wouldn't be a second date.

Plus, sometimes I already have other things ready to post and while I may write about something the day it happens, it might not get posted for a few days. And sometimes I just want to keep something to myself for a bit, mull it over, before putting it out there.

I also usually don't tell too many people when I've met someone from online because, generally things haven't worked out for me and I try to stay cautiously optimistic and wait and see.

But there was something about meeting this guy and how well it had gone and was going that made me want to shout it to the world!

Well, ok, maybe not the world, but I certainly wanted to tell you about it and it was so ironically wonderful that the fact that all my spare evening time was with *him* that I didn't have the time to tell you about him.

I mentioned him to a couple of friends too, just casually. And, unusually, I mentioned it to my folks. I guess I wanted to share my happy with them since they're still in a long haul of recovery right now.

So while I was away, a colleague asked me to show them his profile and so I logged on to the site and showed her.

And I noticed that he'd added a few more photos to his profile and my heart sunk.

My heart sunk because there's still that part of me that's insecure. And we all know that that insecure part likes to rear its ugly head whenever it can.

So my thought was "Damnit, he says he likes me, but he must be still looking for other girls."

And I tried to logic it through. I mean, we'd hung out a few times, been on three dates, met four days ago, what did I expect? Normal people date a few people at a time until they're ready to be exclusive, don't they?

But the twinkle had gone out of my eyes. I was scared that my fears of letting myself get too excited for something that wasn't going to last were coming true.

I emailed C-Dawg, she's a few months into a relationship with a guy she met online and I know she went through some insecurities at the start. "He's putting up new pictures! Why?" I babbled. And she told me to just ask him.

So I did. And he assured me that I was the only person he was interested in and that it was still early but that he'd be happy to take the pictures back down if I wanted him to.

I thanked him for his reassurance and told him that it was his call, but you guys? I was already starting to feel a little bit anxious. So I was really looking forward to seeing him again before our week apart and looking him in the eyes and knowing that we both wanted to build some trust with each other.