Thursday, 31 July 2014


You guys this weekend had some really brutal moments in it, and I think I figured it would and tried to be mentally prepared for it but I really didn't know how exhausted I'd be by it all.

Jason is a royal pain in the ass to travel with.  Or at least he was this time.  And if we ever talk about travelling together again I will be talking to him about this for sure.  Or I'll just not travel with him again.  Or I'll just stick earplugs in while ignoring his cursing because he did not pack the night before and can not find the things he wanted/needed even though I suggested he pack the night before and had done so myself.

I saw a sign once in someone's office that said "Lack of planning or organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." And I'm generally pretty good at trying to remember that but when the person you're travelling with works differently than you do in terms of planning and organization and front-loading the things that need to be done it's hard.  Especially when it's your first time travelling with that person and you also really don't do well with early mornings and your body wants to revolt and, well, anyway, yeah, it just went downhill from there, really.

When I travel, I'm hyper-organized.  Things are laid out a few days before, lists are made, and then more lists the night before so that I don't forget anything I need in my morning "rush"

Because I'm not a morning person I also don't like to rush too much so I have everything ready to go, and my reminder stickie notes out and I get up as late as I can and I'm out the door in five or ten minutes.  Seriously.

So when Jason said we're leaving at 5:30, and I woke up at 5:45 (because he hadn't felt the need to set an alarm and it was his trip so I just let him have it his way...) I wasn't concerned because I knew I'd be ready to leave ASAP.

And that's when Jason started to pack.

Which meant my body revolted and I was dealing with that while he was going ape-shit about things not going the way he needed/wanted them to.

Add to that the stress we sometimes have driving together (we needed to take my vehicle so I was driving) while adding being out of town and travelling and knowing he had to work later that afternoon and I was just so stressed.

Which he picks up on and reacts to badly, which then spins me out worse because I feel unsupported and I get mad and the whole thing was just ugly.

I know it's different to travel with anyone the first time, but Jason's go-to when stressed is a sort of aggressive angry sort of thing and I hate it.  It's awful for me and I don't know yet how to handle it or ignore it or what to do with it so Friday was a pretty bad morning.

I remember mid day Friday telling Jason that I could tell I was going to have a big cry and that when I did he just needed to listen.

I was so done, and when we finally got to our hotel room and had a half hour of down time before he had to work I told him I needed him to come and sit with me while I cried.

I told him I had a bunch of things to say and I didn't even really want him to listen, I just wanted to say them (I knew they were things I meant but didn't mean, like "I want to go home" and "I hate it here and didn't want to come") and he was great and just listened and held my hand as I sobbed and sobbed and let all the tension and stress out from the morning.

Of course I felt better after that and a little power nap but I'm so grateful he was able to be there for me in that way rather than snapping or telling me to pull myself together because I was at my emotional stress limit and needed a release and to just be safe doing that.

Was the rest of the weekend smooth?  No.

Did Jason have more angry/screw up moments?  Yes.

Did I have any screw up moments?  Just the times I somehow managed to piss Jason off by not doing this, that or the other (apparently I walk too slowly/too quickly in crowds)  (sigh)

It was hard because he was in work mode and so I had to fend for myself (I knew this going in, it was part of why I was nervous) and I coped with that and did chat to some folk, but I kept wishing I had a friend there that I could relax with or that Jason wasn't working so we could relax together.

We did get some touristy couple time together for a few hours and that was nice, but I was pretty high key stress wise and we had fights (for lack of a better term) and I didn't hate it but I didn't love it either.

Which was kind of what I expected.

But yeah.  Emotionally spent, is what I've been ever since we made our way home and it's been a very quiet week for me so far by necessity.

I even nearly missed C-Dawg's birthday because I was so spaced out.

Anyway, this has been a bit of a babble.  I feel like I have to vent about this weekend but I don't know who to vent to.  Jason's super busy and I don't want to impose until things settle a bit for him and no one else really understands all the layers and levels of our (weird) relationship so I guess this is my first vent and who knows if there will be more.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

It's The Thirtieth... Apparently

Jason and I went away this weekend.

I didn't mention it beforehand because I was trying not to freak out too much about it all.  But I felt like there was a lot riding on it.

Jason had been asked to shoot an event out of town.  He'd asked me to come, partly to see the event, and partly to support him (assistant wise) and partly to go with him although since he was working, we didn't expect to have any "couple" time.

I'm still processing all of the weekend, and I can't really wrap my head around it yet, but I'm home and we're both still alive and speaking to each other so it can't have been all that bad, right?


My brain's pretty mush at the moment, so I'm not sure what I'll manage to squeeze out of it this week, if anything.

Hope your week is going well though.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014


I never told you I'm a hero, did I?


So my friend had her car stolen... a smaller car, but with some distinctive bumper stickers on it, and a distinctive colour.

One of our friends thought he saw her car around town later that week, and I could have sworn I did as well, but... it's not like a thief would just drive a stolen car around, right?

Except, apparently they would.

Because I was out for a walk about two weeks after her car was taken and what did I spot parked on a street by the ocean?

My friend's car.

Safe and sound... but... clearly not in her possession!

So, I called her, called the police and she came (in her rented car) and we waited together for the police to arrive, wondering what we'd do if the scary bad guy came and drove her car away.

But, yeah, go figure... my super spy training has clearly paid off.

I found a stolen car!


Monday, 28 July 2014

Pretty Much The Opposite of What I Expected

Something very unexpected has come out of the last couple of weekends with Jason.

I think I've mentioned that Jason is a photographer, and one of the things he does is take photos that I guess you call.. fashion photos?  I don't know, he shoots models, anyway.

I've been sort of intimidated by this because my body is SO not what I think of when I think "model" and so I've been trying hard not to compare myself to the models Jason works with... or that I imagine he works with because I've only ever seen the resulting photos from these shoots.

But the last two weekends, Jason has had a photo shoot booked, and he asked me if I'd like to come along.

I was super excited to be asked, partly because I've always wanted to see a photo shoot, partly because I'm really curious about how it all works, and, well it's always neat to see your significant other at work, and so far I hadn't been able to see Jason at work with another person, just gone on "photo walks" with him.

I was also nervous.  Nervous that I'd get in the way or interrupt his "flow" or whatever. 

But anyway, this is not about the technicalities of the shoots or how I felt about it all, this is about the fact that something unexpectedly positive came out of them.

First of all, I liked both of the girls.  (Women?  Ladies?  Models?)  They were nice and we got along but they also weren't stick thin like I'd imagined them to be.  Yes, they were pretty, but I didn't feel unattractive next to them.  They were both... almost ordinary looking?

One of the girls talked about how she and I had pretty much the same body type (I don't remember why it came up in conversation) and once she said that I looked at her and kind of went "huh."  Because I'm starting to see myself more like how I actually look rather than how I think I look and I looked at her and she's not fat.  At all.  Not six feet tall either, but still.

And her photos look great.  She doesn't look anything other than great in them.

Now, part of that is Jason's good camera work and posing, but still.  This girl was totally confident in her body and when the camera wasn't pointed her way had no problem chilling in her undies, letting herself slouch, belly out and all.

It was amazing for me to see.

The next weekend, when I met the other (very pretty) model, she asked me if I'd shot with Jason too.  Which... brain freeze, did she just assume I'm a model too?


And same thing.  I looked at her body in her outfits and kind of went.. you know what?  She's not stick thin either... her body's not all that different from mine.

Now that's not to say Jason doesn't work with models who are tiny, and that's not to say there are tons of models who would make me feel very large and very short were I to stand next to them (I imagine) but you guys?  It was really freeing to see these models working with Jason and realize that I'm not as unattractive/fat/gross as my "bad voices" have been telling me for as long as I can remember.

So watching Jason do photo shoots with models has actually made me feel a lot better about my body and my looks.

Which is not at all what I would have expected to happen.

Not at all.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Generational? Or Just...?

Jason has roommates.

Well, technically one, but his girlfriend lives there too although I'm not sure if she's fully moved in or just...anyway, not my business, I'm just nosy!

These roommates have a decade on Jason and I and while I don't particularly notice it (we don't cross paths much) I did wonder the other night if it was an age thing I was seeing, or just a "their relationship" thing.

See, Jason was making dinner for the two of us.  (Or perhaps for all of us, I can't remember...anyway...) and I was sitting in the kitchen, out of his way, keeping him company and asking about his cooking.

I know that's not typical.  Usually it's the girl that cooks, if we're following gender stereotypes and all, but Jason can really cook and likes to so it works very much in my favour!

So while he was cooking our meal, the other couple came home from wherever and I watched as she asked him if he'd like her to make him a drink.  He grunted something in the affirmative and then stood there and watched while she prepared the whole thing, and brought it to him.  He made some sort of joking comment, that I had to bite my tongue over (although I did say something about how it wasn't particularly nice) and I sat there realizing what a dichotomy it was.

Jason and I have no typical gender roles in our relationship... well, he does open the door for me and does polite gentlemanly things but other than his manners... we both just kind of do what we're good at doing and I love that he cooks.

It was very odd to see that in direct contrast to this woman waiting on her man, who just seemed to expect it and not particularly appreciate it.

I always appreciate Jason cooking and I try to help by cleaning up or something, but I do always thank him, and I try to always thank him for the mannerly things he does.

So I don't know if it's just how Jason was raised v/s his roommate, or if it's a generational thing or just how each of them were raised.

I just don't think I've ever seen Jason's roommate cooking, and I don't think it should be something that's gender based.

Anyway... it was interesting, that's for sure.

Friday, 25 July 2014

It Just Made Me Angry

I've put off writing about this because it makes me angry.

But it keeps hovering at the back of my mind as something I have to write about, if only to get it out of my head.  I don't know... but here goes.

I was driving to work the other morning and as I turned onto one of the main streets a black BMW convertible sliced out in front of me.

I had to brake a bit to give him space as he cut across lanes from his parking spot and found myself a little surprised he hadn't been paying more attention.

I watched as the older gentleman then reached around to his windshield, pulled off the parking ticket there and chucked it onto the ground.

I then continued to watch as he did not signal, and did not yield to the pedestrian crossing, with the lights on the crosswalk.

I don't know.  The thing that made me angriest was his littering.

I understand being angry at a parking ticket.  I also can imagine what it's like to not care about parking tickets, or to not care about paying them, but to be so... can I say arrogant?  No, I probably can't but to be so... "not nice" as to chuck the damn thing onto the ground?  That seemed un-necessarily uncool to me.

I mean, crumple it up and chuck it to the floor of your car for pete's sake... don't litter with the thing.

It just seemed so...

"I'm better than everyone else"

And I know that's just my judgement and I have no idea what was going on with him or his day or what internal struggles he's going through right now but the combination of his actions did not sit well with me at all.

And I guess I just feel like I wanted to tell on him somehow.

So there you go.  The white-haired guy in the convertible BMW is a big litterer and doesn't care about parking tickets. Boo to him.  Boo, I say, boo!

Thursday, 24 July 2014


So I got two fillings done yesterday and I'm still hurting in one of the spots.

And that doesn't even mention the fact that I was nearly crying in the sitting room and that I did actually cry when he did one of the needles and that I spent all afternoon being unable to feel my face, both sides, thank you very much and all I wanted to do was eat something crunchy but I couldn't feel enough to eat and even speaking was weird and it hurt and even today my jaw still hurts where one of the needles went in and I do not like.

I seem to remember this happening last time too.  A week's worth of pain where the needle went in.  Probably the same side, if I think about it.

But yeah... maybe this is why I'm not enjoying the dentist anymore.  Pain.  Crying.  More pain.

And they were both just "little" cavities too.

Oh, except for the lasering away of some of my gums to get at the cavities on the one tooth.

*sad panda*

*sad sore jaw panda*

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I'm Upset

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.

I mean, I guess I never really "have" to, but I've always gone, twice a year for my checkup and cleaning and yesterday was my twice a year visit.

I didn't want to go.  I'm not really sure why, but I didn't.

I've never had a problem with dentists, but I've never loved them either and my last few times haven't been something I've looked forward to.  I actually thought about cancelling this visit and that's the first time I've ever thought of doing that.  I don't know why, I just didn't want to go.

So imagine my complete misery when the dentist came in, said hello, checked my teeth and found two cavities.

I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go.

He said my mouth was "really clean" and I was "doing a really good job" just missing a couple of hard to reach spots and sigh.

I'm so disappointed.

I went to book the appointment and the first slot they could get me in was today.  Effing hurray.  So now I have to go to the dentist again... for fillings.  I am so not happy about that. 

I told C-Dawg I was leaving work at lunch to get fillings and wasn't looking forward to it.  "Do they hurt?" she asked.

Which... I didn't know how to answer because my brain just froze... WHY.... DOESN'T... SHE... KNOW?

C-Dawg has never had a filling, never had a cavity.  Never.

I can't even...

I'm sad and jealous I guess and wishing my teeth worked differently or my mouth acid or whatever it is that means that I'm still getting cavities as an adult and she's never had any even as a child.


I know, I know, first world problem but still. 




Tuesday, 22 July 2014


So perhaps the question one should ask one's self is what would one do if one were to go to the nude beach when one was, shall we say, dealing with one's special lady time of the month...

Well, you see, one might not think about this before going, because one knows that one can swim during these times, but one might then realize that if one is to be fully nude... um... things... uh... well... uh...

So, what one will most likely end up doing is keeping one's swimming trunk bottoms on even though that feels slightly weird considering one has already been fully nude in front of many of these folks before and sigh.

One does tend to wish one just didn't care about what other people might be thinking or feeling... one does.

Monday, 21 July 2014


I'm fighting off a cold/bug/sickness of some sort so I'm a little on the tired and possibly grumpy side so forgive me ... for whatever my brain comes up with or...doesn't come up with.

The short version of today's story boys and girls is that I like to wear an article of the boy I like's clothing.

I just always have (is it a girl thing in general, or just a me thing?) and I can remember being in elementary school and a "friend" wearing the jacket of a boy I was "dating" and how HORRIFIED I was that she would so clearly break the rule.  We all knew that her wearing his jacket was a statement she shouldn't have been making. 

High school crushes would sometimes lend a hoodie when it was too cold, or a jacket when they were heading back to the city and wanted to make sure we'd see each other again.

Even movies do that whole thing where the girl is cold and the guy takes off his sexy suit jacket to place it gently over her bare shoulders and pretty dress.

For me, there's something about being in a piece of clothing that he's worn, especially if I've seen him in it, and especially if it's big on me that makes me feel comforted.  Safe, and warm, yes, but also like a little bit of him is there and we're connected and he likes me and... yeah.

I've probably talked about it here, (I could search the archives to check) but with both Smith and Jay, I asked for articles of clothing at various times and was denied them because each guy "needed" it, or, as it felt at the time, didn't want to give it up because they weren't sure they'd ever see it (or me) again.

It's been rough for Jason and I this last while and the other week things were pretty tough and I wasn't sure we'd have time to talk about it or what and I knew he was dealing with crunch time with work so I wanted to not have to pester him for... whatever... reassurance?  some kind of positive mental connection?  I don't know.  I just didn't want to bug him when I knew he was going to be so busy, so I asked him if I could borrow a hoodie or something.

And Jason nodded, said "of course" and then went and got me his favourite hoodie.

You guys, he got me his favourite.

I hadn't asked.  Would never have assumed, from recent experiences that he would give up the one he likes the most, but he did.  And it meant a lot to me.  It really did.

Every guy's different, I know this, and things are still... not easy with Jason and I but he, probably unknowingly made a big statement when he got me his hoodie.

He made me feel like I mattered to him, that I was important, and that he knew we would be seeing each other again.  That it wasn't over.  Somehow.

I don't know, I can't quite properly put my finger on it, you know?

It just... sometimes it's the little things that make a big difference.

Saturday, 19 July 2014


So when I made my list the other day, to help settle my mind, I put down all the things I could think of that were somewhere on my mental to do list.

One of those things is to take photographs of Jason.  He's said he'd "model" for me to help me figure out light and how to "direct" people to pose and stuff.

Now, unfortunately, what I wrote down on my to do list was "shoot Jason".


I don't think I'm going to enjoy prison at all.  Not even if Piper and Suzanne are there.

Friday, 18 July 2014

I Had No Idea


Well that should bring some interesting people to this post via web searches, shouldn't it?

But, I mean.. really.  Peni... (is that the formal plural?)

So Jason and I went back to the clothing optional place, and while I know the whole idea is that you don't notice people are naked, I can't help but notice that people are naked!

And although it's not a sexual place (for me, and I'm assuming for most others) I can't help but look at the sexual organs that are out and about.

And last time we went I was astounded to notice that penises come in many many different shapes and sizes.

I mean, I guess I "knew" that, the same way that I know that breasts come in different shapes and sizes but a) I have breasts, and so I'm kind of used to them and b) I've been around naked women in locker rooms and such way more than I've been around naked men.  I mean, let's be honest, I've only seen as many naked men as I been naked with myself (if you get what I'm saying) and that's only one at a time and it's not as if I have a mental picture of all of my boyfriends' you know what's and I've never compared so... anyway, I'm just saying, this is I have never before been around so many penises.  (Peni...penis..esses)  I've really only ever seen one at a time!

They're everywhere at this beach!  Or so it seems to me anyway.

And here's what blew my mind.

I know I'm not really supposed to be looking at them, but I kind of couldn't help it the other day and I'm shocked to say I had no idea they were all so different to begin with.

Like, I've heard from guys that some guys are "growers" and some guys are "showers" which I was told meant that some guys start smaller and "grow" as they get aroused and some guys start bigger and don't grow much when they get aroused.

But when all of a sudden you're confronted by five, ten, fifteen man parts, you can't help but notice that there are huge differences in what they all look like!  Some are small, some are fat, some have huge hanging ballsacks (sorry, I should have put a "eewwww gross" warning on this post) and some you can't even see the balls.  I can't say I've ever noticed one where I went wow, that's large, but I did notice one where I went, wow, that's ...fat.  I think it was the first time I had a really visual representation of why guys might feel insecure about their dicks.

I had always wondered why guys cared, because as a woman, once it's doing what it's meant to do, I'm happy.  I don't care what it does when it's.. asleep, or how it looks once it's awake.  I care about who's attached to it and what we get up to together (did I put that delicately enough?)

So yeah... that was an eye opening experience.

Those things come in all sorts of sizes and shapes and girths and accompanying ball...sack sizes.

It's actually really weird, to be honest.

Penises are like the breasts of the male world.

(Except some women would like smaller ones, and according to the spam I get, no man wants a smaller ding dong.)

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Brain Melt

Since I'm not taking my newest camera (a Nikon) to Burning Man this year (because I'm going, right?  Right.) I'm going to take my Canon.

I had this Canon last year but took my slightly older one, and I guess I'm doing the same this year.  Just means I have a slightly better camera this year than I did last year, but my "really good" camera and lens are staying home.

I decided I should probably try shooting with the Canon again before I head out to Burning Man, especially since I really didn't shoot in anything other than Auto with the thing.

So I went out yesterday with my Canon in hand and flipped it over to Manual mode.

And... I couldn't figure out how to change my settings!

It's so weird being used to one camera and its dials and such and then switching to another and finding nothing's where it should be.

And with these two cameras, the Nikon has two dials I use to change aperture and f stop, but the Canon has only one dial!

I felt like I was in a foreign country for the first while.  I stood there staring at the camera and trying to remember how it worked and trying to figure out what each little button did and nope, nope, nope, argh!

It was amusing, because I wasn't in a rush, wasn't worried, knew I'd figure it out either eventually by myself, by asking Jason, googling online, or finding my camera manual.

So I gave up for a while and just shot on auto, and I think I fell into working with the camera and lens again pretty easily.  Feels natural I guess.  Had a Canon for years after all.  Haven't had the Nikon even half a year. 

After a while my brain kind of got over the hump and I remembered the button I could press and so now I can run in Manual mode on the Canon.

I'm not sure if I will at Burning Man or if I'll just set it on Auto and worry about the shot I'm taking rather than the light.  Not sure.  May talk to Jason about it and see what he thinks I should try/do.

Taking photos at Burning Man this year may be another entire post as I'm not sure how much of it I want to do... maybe a lot more than last year, maybe about the same amount, I don't know.  First of all I have to figure out the details of actually for sure getting there and back before I figure out the smaller things like how much do I want to have my camera on me this time...

I just wanted to share how weird it felt to be going from one brand to another and how I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and it all felt weird and unnatural.

It's funny what we get used to, eh?

Wednesday, 16 July 2014


My car, apparently, should not be kept clean.

Because it seems to me that whenever I go to the trouble of washing it or having it washed a bird promptly poops on it.


Maybe there's something about the newly washed shine that attracts birds?  Or maybe it's just the Universe having a giggle, I don't know.

I just know that a) birds seem to always poop on my car just after I wash it and b) if a bird ever poops on my windshield, it is invariably right smack dab in my area of vision.  Like, right at eye level.

*shakes fist at little birdies who poop on cars*

Tuesday, 15 July 2014


When I noticed this weekend that my worry level (call it anxiety if you must, that term just makes me feel like more of a victim than I like) had spiked, I did what I could to manage it.

Not control it... all of the mindfulness and meditation and psychology readings all say you can't control feelings, even trying to do so aggravates things, so don't try to control them, let them be.  But I also know that there are things that make me feel worse when I'm worried, and things that can help to settle my mind.

I also know I can get stuck in a cycle of worry and not taking care of the good things and then feeling yuckier and then it can just go on and on, so I do what I can to stay out of the deep cycles.

So when I noticed that I wasn't feeling that great this weekend I did a few good things and I missed out on a few.  I told Jason I was feeling extra worried.  I told him this not to make him do anything about it but just so he knew I was a bit on edge  Jason and I are getting really good at communicating even when we're neither of us at our best and I'm pleased about this. So I told him I was edgy.  We headed outside and that helped.  Sat on beaches by the water and soaked up some sun and fresh air.  Jason made us some really good, healthy food.  That was good.

I wasn't as great with exercising as I could have been, and that's my bad for not fitting it in to my schedule.  I also missed a day of meditation when Jason invited me to stay Saturday night and when I'm at my high worry times, missing meditation is noticeable.

I also cleaned.  Not the dusting and cleaning that I've put off for a while, I did that mid-week, I mean I tidied.

Having things lying about my place isn't my favourite thing on a good day but when I'm worried?  Tidying things up really helps settle my mind.

So does writing lists.

Getting the feeling of "I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO!" physically out onto paper somehow lets my mind rest a bit.

So Sunday night I tidied up a few things that were laying about, I wrote lists, I got fresh air and vacuumed my car, took out the trash and recycling, and made time to meditate.

It just takes things down a notch.  Which helps a lot.

In the moment, and long term too.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Just Breathing

Soooooo I was out and about this weekend (a glorious weekend if I may say so) and I (boldly!?) jumped into a conversation between strangers when I overheard one of them mentioning Burning Man.

"Are you going this year?"

"Yes.  I have two tickets but not sure who I'll be going with."

And my brain wanted to dance around.

I didn't want to be rude and say SELL ME YOUR EXTRA TICKET but I did so I just mentioned that hey, I have someone who really needs a ticket and I'm sure he'd love to buy yours.

We exchanged emails and messaged back and forth a few times and I went ahead and emailed Connor.

"Connor, I may have a lead on a ticket, are you for sure not going this year?"

Because last I heard Connor had been denied his time off work.  This combined with him not having a ticket had him really discouraged and giving up on being able to go this year.

Which put me in the spot I've been trying not to be anxious about of not knowing if I can go, or how.  Because I really don't feel I can do the driving myself.  I don't feel like I'm comfortable enough with going with a stranger, either in my own vehicle or theirs.  In talking to the random guy the other day he suggested I could fly down and fit everything I needed into a duffle bag and rent a bike, but... I don't know, that just doesn't seem like what I'd want to do, but I suppose it would be an option if I had to.

So I emailed Connor and he called me back right away.  He was excited to hear I maybe had a lead on a ticket, and he was going to go in to work and talk to them again about time off.

He called me an hour later.  He'd gotten permission to take the time!

I think I cried.  I was so relieved and excited and still wanting to be cautiously optimistic but all of a sudden I had someone (I know) who was able to travel down with me, and able to bring my gear back for me if work won't give me all the time off I'm requesting.  (Let's not talk about my stress level there either, mkay?)

So yeah... I'm trying to just stay calm because it still might maybe possibly not work out (if we can't get a ticket for Connor) but dudes... it's so much closer than it was a week ago. 

Which is funny, because I had a couple of hours of jubilation and OMG I'M ACTUALLY GOING!!!! And... that turned into... OMG I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!

Which is not really true, but it did send me into a higher gear of putting together playa gifts (I'm making little necklaces this year like the one I was given and loved last year) and that made it all the more real too.  I don't have a lot to do but my anxiety and worry about it has shifted gears slightly.

Before, I was worried about the IF I would get there.  Or the HOW I would IF I would get there.

Now that it's more likely I WILL get there, I'm worried about... what that looks like.

Because as it stands right now it would be just Connor and I.  Which means higher gas costs (split between two of us rather than four of us) and that's not a huge deal but what if we get tired of each other?  What if we don't want to hang out together?  Or if I don't want to hang out with him?  And the real crunch of it all... I'm going there alone.  Pretty much.  Because yes, Connor and I know each other, are friends, get along, all of it, but I won't have a "person" there.  Not Jay or my co-worker or anyone.  I don't know anyone who's close to me who's going.  So there's part of me that's worrying about what it all will look like.

Sure, I did things on my own last year, but I also always had in the back of my mind that I was going to meet up with Jay later.  And Jay and I had some really nice cuddle times and chilling doing awesomely random things that are now great memories times.  I'm sure Connor and I will make some great random memories too but it's just that I can't visualize what all it will look like.

Which, is not my favourite thing.

It's funny, maybe Burning Man is just always going to push some of my buttons.  Not knowing exactly what's going to happen.  Possibly needing to go through the entire thing by myself without the safety blanket of a "person" there for me, no comfort zone other than myself.  I don't like doing things by myself, I like to have someone to share with but... this may not happen.

Or, it could turn out that Connor and I have a blast hanging all week and it's just perfectly balanced.  Or we could camp next to people who turn out to be our new BFFs or we could travel with someone else last minute and all this worry will be for nothing.

Which, I mean, that's part of what I'm trying to learn right?  No point in worrying about it when it's going to be whatever it's going to be.

But I'll tell you, watching my worries shift from one thing to the other, and then seeing how that ratcheting up of anxiety sent off a bunch of other worries was interesting.  Good that I was able to observe it if not avoid it.

So, yeah.  Connor needs a ticket.  I really hope that happens.  I would like to get a longer time off of work than I've currently been told I can have, and I really hope that happens.  But... things are progressing positively.  Later in the year than I would have liked, but still... letting things go... breathing... trusting... breathing... trying to chill.  Did I mention breathing?



Deep breath.

Saturday, 12 July 2014


Well, I just sat here and had about three different things I was going to say but I got distracted by texts and now they're all gone... sigh.

So... random things.

Right this minute I swear I can smell wet carpet.  Like the smell of someone getting their carpets cleaned.  Not sure where the smell's coming from and don't feel like investigating.

I'm also hungry.  But want to be sort of junk food-y but also want to be sort of healthy.  Should probably drink some water and go from there.  Bah.

I'm re-watching the O.C.  It came into my brain as a sort of craving out of nowhere and I'm just going with it.  Let's pretend I never mentioned it but oh man such great music, eh?

Wait, it's the weekend, isn't it?  Why am I worrying about what my brain was trying to say?  It's brain-holiday time, wheeeee!

Friday, 11 July 2014

The Incident

Soooooo.... I lost my sleeping bag.

Kind of.

I was pretty sure I'd put it back into C-Dawg's basement, but she couldn't find it.  Wasn't a big deal because I figured I could just buy a new one but last time I was over there, I decided to take a look through the basement myself.  So cell phone "flashlight" in hand, I managed to find my sleeping bag hurrah!

Now, I didn't bother cleaning it when I got back from Burning Man so it had been put away as is.  I hadn't thought it was that dusty but when I took it out (in anticipation of a possible camping trip this month) it smelled a little musty and I could see a bit of dust on it.

I didn't think I'd bother cleaning it but then the other weekend I figured I may as well give it a shot.

Jason had suggested I take it to get dry cleaned, but I figured I'd safe myself some money (and chemicals) and just clean it myself.

My apartment building has shared laundry facilities so the machines are a bit bigger than standard and I figured it'd work just fine.  I stuffed my bag in and figured I'd put in a little less than the usual amount of detergent, but since I wanted the thing clean I would still make sure it got cleaned.

I always set my kitchen timer and when the thing went off I headed back down, twoonie in hand, to switch the bag over from washer to dryer.

Except... no.

Uh oh.

I guess I didn't really think things through and/or really understand the whole warning label about "oversudsing" but what I walked into in the laundry room was a front loading washing machine that was full of bubbles and suds.


So, not really sure what else to do to cover my tracks, I used my twoonie to put the entire thing through another wash cycle, with the hopes it would wash out the soap and bubbles.

Yeah, no.

Thought for a bit this time, two twoonies in hand.  I pulled out the bag (spilling masses of bubbles all over the floor in the meantime and tried to scrape off some of the soapy suds into the sink.  Got it all over the floor in the process so went back to my apartment to grab some towels to clean the floor (did not want to call the resident manager for a mop!)

I separated the bag into two sides and ran them both through a no-added-soap wash and things were a bit more normal when I got back down there.

So, long story short, I now have a fresh, clean sleeping bag, and I now know what "oversudsing" means!

Ta da!

Thursday, 10 July 2014


Change being the only constant (so they say but I don't know how much I believe them on it being the "only" constant...but anyway) I thought I'd sort of try to bring you guys up to speed with regards to things with Jason.

To recap (ie. Last week on "name of tv show here") things haven't been great.  I've had a really bad week or two and gotten through some personal things the relationship has brought up.  We tried to reconnect a bit and life threw stuff at us and that's sort of where we're at, I guess.

Right now, as of the moment of my fingers typing this out things are good.  With me, at least.

Things with Jason and I aren't resolved, life isn't as pretty as the movies make it seem but we have communicated really openly, honestly and clearly over the last few days and it's been what we both needed.

So right now I'm feeling good.  Good because at the very least I've had the experience of being really honest with someone I care about and having been heard.  I've stood up and said what I felt, but I've also been able to be more mature.  Not that I didn't storm out of his room heading home having given him the double middle fingers, but... ahem... I did at least stop, pause, take a breath and stomp back to his room and say "do you want me to leave or do you want me to stay and try to talk this out?"

So have I been 100% cool, calm, and collected in all this?  Oh hell no, but I've been not bad.  And once I got through the un-cool, un-calm, and un-collected, I felt better.  I'm not expecting anything, I'm keeping my "gee I secretly hope it goes this way" under control and I'm being honest.  I'm not mincing words... I'm not pretending I feel any differently than how I feel.

And I think it's really good for us.

Jason has said from the beginning that no matter what he'll always be a friend in my life.  I don't have that experience with a lot (any?) of exes but I do feel like I see how if we establish this level of communication and trust and openness we might just pull that off even if we don't end up being romantic partners.

Not that that's what I want to happen, but... anyway, I'm just saying, this feels right now that no matter what, it's good for us that we've talked like this.

I don't know, I'm not even sure if this is making sense anywhere other than in my head and my gut but right now things are fine.  I feel fine.  Nothing's fixed, might just be in repair.  (Great, now I'm singing John Mayer...)

So, yeah, I thought I'd say that.  Say that I'm feeling good right in this moment, because I don't always get to writing that down, I don't always remember to take the time to say "I'm good" here...because often here is the place I come to self-soothe and to vent and to talk things out.

Don't know how I'll feel at any other time;  later, tomorrow, next week, month, whatever, but right this moment?

I'm ok.  I'm fine.  I'm good.

There you go.

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

On Writing

I was thinking this weekend as I sat and typed some things out on my laptop that writing is a solitary thing.

See I was fussing in my head about the fact that Jason was working Saturday and so didn't have time to see me and then the next thought was "oh, well, I need to write some posts for next week anyway, and I couldn't do that if I was seeing him."

Which, I guess I'd never really thought about that before.

I can only speak for myself while assuming many others are the same way but I write alone.  I can't write and carry on a conversation.

If I'm in the middle of a thought or telling a story or writing out something, a phone call can throw me right off.

Sometimes, I can even distract myself and lose whatever it was I was trying to say, but yeah, writing is a solitary event.

Even when I'm writing about a connection or relationship with someone else I'm doing so alone.

I'm not complaining about it, just noticing it.

I like to write.  I think I actually *need* to write.

But it's not a social thing.

Just me, alone with my thoughts.

Go figure.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

If You're Young(er)

If you're young(er) and exercising, enjoy it.

No, seriously.  Because I'm not old, but I'm not super young anymore and exercising is trickier.

Things hurt a lot easier.  Get hurt a lot easier.  Take longer to feel better, tweak and twinge at the smallest of provocations.

That time you slammed your foot into the shopping cart two summers ago means you can't run without pain.  Sometimes can't walk without pain, and I know these things happen to young(er) people too but more and more I hear my friends and I recovering from injuries that didn't used to happen.

C-Dawg keeps popping her rib out.  Doesn't know if it's the weeding that did it, or the running, or just sleeping on it weird.

Because, yeah, all of a sudden you can sleep weird and be in pain the next day, next week it's ridiculous.

So if you're younger and you feel stiff and sore but you've got no aches and pains or popped ribs or broken toe fragments or tweaked backs or S.I. injuries, frigging enjoy that.

Trust me, enjoy being able to throw yourself about with abandon.

Oh, and drink more water.

It won't do anything but good.

Monday, 7 July 2014

Blah Blah Blah

Blah blah blah angry, blah blah blah, hurt, blah blah blah, fine, blah blah blah, strong, blah blah blah, whatever.

How was your weekend?

Jason and I tried to hang out but both nights something unexpected came up and our nights were cut short.

We did get some much needed conversation in but not the also much (much) needed cuddle time.

So, what's new with you?  Did you celebrate this weekend (if you're 'Merican?) or did you watch soccer (football)?  Or did you do nothing much at all?

I'm a little on the grumpy so will refrain from writing more until I'm in a less pissy mood.

Saturday, 5 July 2014

Un... Motivated

I gotta clean my place.

Well, I mean, I don't "have" to.  That's part of the problem.  But I feel like I should.

Like, I just ran my finger along the window sill and it's dusty.

So I know everything's dusty.  And it's a small place so it won't take that long to do but... but...

I don't want to.


I'm feeling un-motivated.

Maybe you should tell me you're coming over to visit and then I'll freak out that my place is "messy" and will feel the need to tidy it? 

Or maybe I should just put on some music, suck it up and get 'er done.


I just don't wanna!

Friday, 4 July 2014

In A Good Way

I have two clocks in my place.

And since it's a small apartment, I can hear both clocks most of the time.

Every once in a while the two of them will tick in sync.  And it's the coolest, weirdest thing ever.

Because if you listen to it, it sounds like it's in 3D... which, doesn't make sense, but then you'll come back to listening to them again and they'll be back to being slightly off.

But, yeah, in those moments when they're tick tick ticking away together?

It reminds me what I wish my life felt like.

Thursday, 3 July 2014

Finding Myself

One of the things I realized last week with all that was going on and I was working through was that I have to figure out how to be ok on my own.

I mean, I know this, but I'm applying it differently.

I guess I just sort of mean that I have to be ok on my own when I either don't have a boyfriend, or my boyfriend is busy.  Doesn't matter if I think he should be making time for me or if I'm upset that we haven't seen each other enough, I still need to be happy and enjoying life on my own.

Sounds stupidly simple maybe, but it's something I have to actively work at.  Doesn't mean I can't spend time with other people, just that I need to reach outside of the small bubble I sometimes accidentally put myself in.

My friends having kids is part of that bubble because often on my down time I don't want to have to interact with a young person, I'm not completely relaxed around them so it's a bit more effort than I'd like to make sometimes.  It's just different with kids.

But anyway, was just sitting here thinking of that and thought it was worth putting down on paper.

Because, yeah.  Especially when I'm in a panic-type crisis, I feel like I won't make it if I don't talk to someone.  And there's a balance between asking for help and reaching out for support from loved ones, that's a good thing.  But there's also times when I feel like I need to learn to not distract myself, but to feel what I'm feeling and get through it that way.  To not ignore/stuff/hide from/distract myself from the feelings, but to feel them and get through to the other side.

I feel like that's important right now.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Try Not To Think About It

Umm... I totally forgot what I was going to write about.  Oh, no, wait, there it is, nevermind...

Ok, so you know how I've been doing mindfulness meditation and it's been going well?

Well, there's one thing that happened for a while that I've been meaning to talk about.  It has to do with breathing.

I don't know if you've ever experienced that joke/prank/urban legend thing were someone tells you to think about your breathing and how your lungs fill and then empty and then they go "Ha!  You're manually breathing now because you're thinking about it and if you stop you'll die!" and it all feels really weird for a while because it does feel like you're making yourself breathe and it takes a while to remember that no... you're actually not, your body just does it by itself, you don't have to tell it to?

Or whatever it is that happens?

Yeah, for a few weeks there I was having a hard time with focussing on my breath during the meditation because it felt like I was doing weird things to my breathing.

Like, I was thinking about it or counting the breaths or focussing on it so much that it almost felt like I wasn't able to breathe.  I got sort of uncomfortable or almost panicky and that would distract me?

At one point instead of counting the in breaths, the focus was changed to the out breaths and I found that I didn't have that weird, almost panicky feeling and so I stopped worrying about it, and now it's generally fine and I can notice my breathing without THINKING about my breathing and making it weird.

If that makes sense.

But, yeah, I just wanted to say that that happened and it's better now but also apparently not unusual.

In fact, I should probably stop writing about it now before things get weird.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Oh Yeah

Happy Canadada...da day!

The summer holiday days always seem to sneak up on me.

Sneaky holidays!

Have a good one, eh?
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2018 and then some.) Kay? Kay.