Culture

A couple of months ago, C-Dawg convinced me I should try watching a show called "Ru-Paul's Drag Race."

Now, this is a show I'd heard of before, most notably, when I saw Henry Rollins speak and he mentioned being a judge on the show, but not a show I'd really thought of watching.  But I gave it a try and man oh man, there are entire cultures out there, like that of drag queens that I have absolutely no idea of or experience with.

C-Dawg and I have both talked about how we'd love to have some folks dress us up with the wigs and the makeup and the outfits just to see what we'd look like in the types of outfits these ladies wear, I think it could be great fun for an evening or a photo shoot.  But neither of us are the hair and makeup types anyway.

It's been interesting to watch and learn a few things and I'm glad they seem to have such a supportive community.  I hope we can continue to have a world where we all find the place where we're accepted.  (As long as we're not hurting ourselves or others.) 

Ugh

Please excuse this terribly selfish whine.

I wish I had enough money to try frivilous things!!!

I just saw a cool video of a gal playing a theramin (which I really only know from Led Zeppelin, woo whoo!) and I had the thought of MAN, I would LOVE to try that!

I mean, maybe it'd turn out it was too frustrating or not my thing, but I would love to have the money to just go online and buy one and have it delievered and spend some time learning... whatever (I just watched some learning videos and the ukulele it's not!) and then see where it goes.

And then if I didn't love it or want to keep it, I could give it away (or sell it I suppose) to someone else.

And I'd love to do that with an electric piano and a screenprinting kit and to try, I dunno... stand up paddling (when it is warmer!)  And I'd love to be able to spend all sorts of money on fixing up the small things my car could use (new shocks, for example) and to buy a friend or two that thing they casually mentioned (a friend of mine mentioned how they'd love a straight razor shave and I'd love to be like here, here you go!)

So, yes, I not only wish I had more than enough money to be comfortable, but more than enough for buying things I want to try.  Or even renting.  Or who knows.  But it seems like it would be fun to go try the theramin for a while, just because I want to and without it being a financial stupidity.  

Did I?

Who else has noticed that their childhood memories are starting to get a bit... mushy?

Like, I was talking to someone about something and I went to tell a story from when I was a kid when I realized I wasn't 100% sure I was recalling the story accurately.  Or at all!  It wasn't anything major like "I SAW AN ALIEN!" or anything, it was more along the lines of "I climbed a big tree" and then thinking... did I?  Or did I just.. imagine I did?  Or did I only ever think about doing it?  And how can I ever be sure now?

I kept diaries off an on as a kid, but I don't have them anymore, and even if I did they'd not be terribly helpful for recollection.  Had I known I'd want to have accurate recollections, I would have tried to convince myself to write out the boring (to me) details of the day to day.  Like... we went for a drive in our (year, make, model) station wagon and ate at the White Spot drive in (I'm sure I did this) and came home and watched (name of tv show).  Because I don't remember a lot of stuff very well.  I could ask my parents what kind of station wagon it was but who knows if they'll remember either!  I'm pretty sure it had wood paneling but not made of wood, just looking like?  So little things like that.  It's a little bit sad, and I'm aware that if I wanted to, say, write a memoir right now I'm not sure how many of the stories would be for sure for sure "real" and "true".  Nevermind the fact that everything is subjective and all that, you know?

But, yeah, my childhood (and younger-person-hood) memories are not as crisp as I'd like them to be and I'm temped to write down the ones I do have, "true" or not, just so as not to lose them.

Life is weird.  Brains are weird.  Memories are weird.  Sometimes I can't even remember why I walked into the next room!

No Takebacks!

I probably shouldn't type this because I'll potentially jinx things, but so far it seems Environment Canada has been wrong, yet again! on the first (non) storm of the season!

I talked about it before but C-Dawg and I noticed a couple of years ago (fairly recently anyway) that Environment Canada had started to seemingly OVER WARN for storms that didn't amount to what they warned us all about.  So we started to pay attention and yeah... the storms they warned about rarely actually seemed to happen.

And we just had the first experience of that this weekend.  See, we got a weather statement that was then upgraded to a weather warning that there would be HUGE WINDS and lots of rain.  And a friend of a friend got put on call for work because of the storm coming in and there was a lot of hunkering down Sunday... and then... it... didn't?

I mean, sure, there was (is) some rain and there was a bit of wind but the storm (knock on wood since I'm writing this and setting it to post several hours in the future!) didn't actually arrive.

I know weather shifts and changes and I know that weather forecasting is scientific guessing but I still really wonder what's behind these non-fulfilled-warnings.  Is it climate change meaning that the science of the past isn't working as accurately anymore?  Are they being overly cautious so as to avoid complaints (and lawsuits? I dunno!)

I love a good storm, especially when I'm safe and comfortable, but I'm always disappointed when a warning doesn't result in a storm, so I've stopped getting excited about them and I just keep paying attention to my own sense of weather.

So there we have it... first non-storm massive warning of the season.  Boo?

Shame On You

The sound of an animal in distress is an awful sound.

The sound of an animal in distress for 12 plus hours when you're unable to find who trapped them or where?  Well that's enough to put you over the edge.

So, laymen and professionals... if you're going to put out a trap, check it regularly.  I did not need to ever say I've heard an animal crying in fear (and hopefully not pain) for half a day.

Update:  I contacted an animal rescue place and they said any traps must be checked every 24 hours.  Without solid proof that it wasn't, I can't report them, but you bet I'll be tracking things if anything like this happens again.

But It Seems It Is

I have a number of friends who live in the Bay Area of California and it has been awful on them this last while dealing with smoke-filled air from the fires down that way.

I thought back to the fires we dealt with this summer and thought that maybe I would try to save up and get an air purifier type thing this Winter (as they sold out last summer when it was poor air quality here).  And I'm sad and disheartened that planning ahead for poor smoke-related air quality is something I'm actually considering.

The other thought I had was that I was happy to see that most of my friends down there already had masks since most of them I know through Burning Man and you need face masks for the dust storms so it's like yay, we're prepared for the worst cuz we're burners but man I wish we didn't have to be.

I'll say it again... I really don't want this to be the new, accepted, norm.

Really???

Genetics are super cool and interesting.  Until, that is, you get your Dad's eyebrows!

See, I've started having some grey hair.  A few in my temple area, but a couple, recently, in my eyebrows.

Which wouldn't ordinarily be a huge deal cuz you can just colour over them or whatever the fancy makeup term is, but these hairs are wild and crazy.

They do NOT follow the natural flow of regular hairs which means they stick out like crazy.  (As do my Dad's famously wild eyebrows!)  And this last one that came up, half of it was normal and then apparently the other half decided to grow white and disorderly so it was extra super long and half white and the white part was crooked so it stuck out!  GAH!

I really have no idea how to handle these suckers so I'm just hoping they won't... you know, reproduce or anything. 

And at least I also got my Dad's sense of humour... although that may be less genetics and more what I grew up with!

Right

Ok, so this is totally random again but I have this shirt that I wear at night.  It's super soft and comfy.  I used to wear it for reals, as in, it is a real shirt not a nightshirt, but it got a hole in the belly and I retired it and turned it into a night-time-cozy-shirt.

I noticed a few nights ago that the right armpit is now torn. Bummer.

And then I started to wonder why the right armpit is torn. 

I was mulling this over as I was taking the shirt off and realized that when I remove a t-shirt type shirt (and I imagine, all shirts for that matter), I pull on the right side first.  Which probably means the right arm and armpit are taking far more wear and tear than the left and that's why my right side is torn.

Makes you wonder just how many non-thinking habits we have that may be causing some sort of "damage", you know?

Only If

I just had (another) one of my random brain thoughts.

There's an episode of Black Mirror (a tv series about the potential perils of future imagined technologies) where (without ruining any plot points) there's a small device that can "see" and has recorded your thoughts.  Or something like that... now that I think on it there are actually a couple of episodes with something like that in it. 

So the thought just occurred to me as I was trying to remember the dream I was having this morning (which was upsetting and stressful but not a nightmare) would you (or would I?) WANT to be able to see your dreams the next day?

Like, I know there are some people who do remember their dreams and there are some dreams that are vivid and there are a whole lot of things out there about dreams and remembering them and all that, but I'm saying... would you want to be able to watch like a you tube type video replaying your dream?  I have no idea what the purpose would be other than to get rid of that feeling I'm having right now of "what was that dream about anyway... something about finding a house?"

I think I would be interested to see how coherent my dreams actually are, but I wouldn't want them recorded or to have anyone having any access to them and so I think if it was, you know, *not* a Black Mirror episode type technology thing it'd be interesting to re-see a dream and see how vivid or strung together they are, or what?

Anyway... total random brain thought that is harder to explain than it was to think up!

It's Writing Time

It's that time of week I like to put aside for writing post for the week but my body has other ideas and me of the "I don't really get a lot of headaches" is sporting one of those there headaches right now so... not a whole lotta writing going to happen ta da!

I mean hopefully, you won't even notice.  Probably if I didn't write this post at all and just waited til I felt better (hi Advil, how are you?) I could write a few post and just neeeever mention the not writing part.

But just in case I call it an early night or a non-computer evening, I'm writing this as a backup post.

Beep...beep....beep.  (That's a backup noise... cuz apparently I'm cracking myself up right now even if no one else!)

Heh, Heh... Oh

I woke myself up this morning by being SO so funny.

See, I knew it was morning, was already aware of the light and vaguely aware it was "morning" - ish time but it was also the weekend with nowhere to go so I was sleeping in.

At some point I made a joke.  I'm not sure if it was me talking to someone else in the dream or just me talking to myself in the dream but I said something like how the thing you put your brain on when you take it out (which, by the way looks a lot like the lid of a sour cream container just in case you didn't know that already) should be called a "brain xxxxx"  (I've written xxxx because I actually now forget what hilarious thing I said.  Brain pan?  Brain hat?  Brain ... ?  It was just so funny and clever that I was chuckling for real and woke up enough to think "I should wake up now because not only am I in a good mood, but I said this really funny thing that other people will find funny too!"

Except once I woke up for real and got out of bed I realized that we don't actually take our brains out... and so the clever name I came up with is, um, not really ever going to be all that funny.  Because... yeah... not a thing.  But DAMN if I wasn't funny in that dream y'all!

Sorryyyyyyyy!

I keep finding myself starting a post and thinking "did I write about that already?"

Like, the other day I went to write about fire extinguishers and then searched to check and it didn't show up but I was pretty sure I had so I searched again and sure enough, I had.... just a few days prior.  Whoops!

I have a little notebook that I keep things in that I want to write about and I cross them out when I get to it but that sheet gets recycled at some point and then I don't remember!

Or, like, I don't remember if I told you about X or Y three years ago?  Sometimes I don't even remember the nicknames I gave people!

So I often find myself wanting to start a post with "sorry if I mentioned this already" but then I think that gets rather repetitive so I thought I'd blanket apologize!

So... sorry if I repeat myself, or when I repeat myself.  Sorry in advance for any repetition.... or for assuming you know something when you don't and all the rest.  My brain only has so much space for the remembering, you know?

Sixteen Oh Two

I had one of my (many?) "well that's weird" kind of thoughts the other day.

I was walking somewhere and looked up to check the address and realized we don't say addresses the way we say numbers!

Which translated into my head as "we say addresses weird!"

Like, I don't live at four thousand and sixy two James Street, I live at 4062 James Street.  "forty, sixty two"  or 4602 wouldn't be "four thousand, six hundred and two" James Street it would be "forty six oh two" James Street.  You know?

I'm sure it has something to do with cross streets or something.  Like when I think of my old address of the house I grew up in, I believe the first three numbers corresponded to the cross street we were closest to, or something like that.  I'm sure there are reasons for how houses and buildings are labelled/numbered, but it was just this funny thought I had; that we say addresses differently than we would read them were they numbers like dollars or something.

Am I making half sense? 

(Oh wait, I say the year like it's an address?  Twenty eighteen rather than two thousand eighteen?  ERMAGHERD WHERE DOES THE WEIRD END?)

Please Note

We got a building wide note last week "reminding" us that all kinds of smoking are prohibited in the building.

As in... don't smoke your now legal weed in here folks!

I wondered if they'd come out and say something about that, especially as I did smell a bit in the hallways of late (that smell sure travels.)

I'm happy to be in a non smoking building, that's for sure but there's a part of me that found the notice very giggle inducing.  Hee hee... can't smoke the mary ju wanas!  Guess I'm not really used to it being a legal thing, you know?

Oh the times, they are a changing.

And Speaking Of Cold

Since the sunny days have been oh so chilly of late, I did a mini experiment (for my own amusement.)

I remembered I have an alarm clock in a cupboard that has a thermometer thingy, so I got it out and stuck it at my bedroom window.

See, I like a cold bedroom for sleeping, but as I said, I need blankets and such for my body to be cozy!

So I left the thermometer by the open window all day and in the evening when I went to check, the temperature was nine degrees (Celcius)!  Brrr!

I closed the blinds and moved the clock nearer my bed and by the time I went to bed it was reading nineteen degrees, which is just about where I seem to like it.

Took a while to get under the covers warmed up, but once morning came, it was super nice and cozy under there, that's for sure!

But yeah, I think I'm going to try to remember that thermometer clock thing come winter when I'm shivering under my blankets with my hot water bottle in my main living room!

Brrr

Funny, I was just glancing back at archives from a year ago and apparently this time last year we had had some snow.

I say "funny", because this week (last week) is the first time I've thought "ok, NOW it's Fall."  Because this week it was noticably cold.

Yes, I turned my radiator on a few weeks ago, and yes I put an extra blanket on a few weeks ago, but this last week?  All the extra blankets were needed and windows got closed and the radiator is getting turned up and I needed gloves and a hat to be outside.

It got suddenly cold.

So yeah, now it's cold.  Now it's the cold we'll likely have for the next few months.  And that's in part due to the clear skies (that bring glorious sun) so I suppose the rainy days will be warmer, but still... the onset of cold felt very sudden.  It's as if we got half way through Fall before actually getting Fall weather.

Today I Learned

Today I learned how to fix a... uh... I apparently already forget the term... uh... a "tunneled"? candle?

Like, you know the bigger candles, I'm not sure what they're called, pillar candles maybe?  Not super giant ones, just... you know, a bigger candle?  Well I have one of those.  I don't use it very often and when I do I don't burn it very often.  No particular reason why, I'm just not a very candle person of late I guess.

Well that candle got a sort of tunnel in it that meant it wasn't really doing the candle part very well and it turns out that's a thing.  I guess you have to burn pillar type candles for two hours minimum or they do this tunneling thing.  Which isn't great.

I tried a couple of internet suggestions on how to fix it but they didn't work as well as the internet promised me they would so I just sort of carved the thing down a bit and stuck it away back in a cupboard.

But I will do my best to not burn it for a short (i.e. less than two hours) amount of time the next time I want me some candle time.

Who knew?

(Apparently the internet knew and just me didn't?)

Um... OW!

So I got stung by a wasp!

I honestly can't remember the last time I was stung by a wasp, or even if I actually have been before?  I know I've been stung by a bee.  I remember stepping on one as a kid and I'm sure I've had another sting here or there but I can't tell you the last time a wasp got me... so we'll just assume it happened to me when I was a kid.  (Maybe.)

But here's the thing.  I was INSIDE!  In a store!  Trying to buy cheap(er) Halloween chocolate!  I WAS IN A STORE!!!!  Unfair, right?

So there I was, my box of who knows what in hand and I felt something brush up against my left pointer finger.  Now that feeling happens all the time, it's usually a hair or a bit of dust or lint or whatever, and it felt just that light sort of brush feeling and so I absentmindedly rubbed it away with my thumb.. as you do... and I can very distinctly, as if in slow motion, remember the feeling of my thumb coming into contact with something soft and sort of squishy and part of my brain went (that's wrong?) and then as soon as I slow motion felt that there was the sting and BAM! 

I looked down and there was the little bugger drunkenly flopping away from my finger which was now being waved up and down with me saying loudly (to Jason who happened to be with me) OW!  I JUST GOT STUNG! 

I think the main reason I'm not sure if I've ever been stung by a wasp before, or certainly not in a very long time is that it is a very specific type of pain and it was so unfamiliar to me.

We were in London Drugs, which is a drug store, so I immediately turned to Jason and said "I'm getting some bug sting lotion" because OW.  IT HURT!

We went to the aisle and I opened up the package right then and there and smeared it over my finger.  Then I went back into line and bought it and my chocolate and MAN was I annoyed at that wasp.

Like, I didn't even swat at you!  I didn't even see you!  I was literally just brushing something off my finger, and there was NO NEED TO BE SO MEAN!

I got Jason to drive and we were a ways away from either his or my place, so the whole way home I just kept on saying OW and putting more of the sting stop gel on.  OW!

I warned Jason that although I felt fine, my Mom had had an unexpected allergic reaction to a wasp in her 40s (or 50s?) and so there was a small possibility I might have that same issue.  We got me home and the damn thing was still stinging.  I washed it and cleaned it and put more stuff on it and iced it on and off for the next while.  I took some benadryl too.  The finger was swollen, but not horribly so and very hot to the touch, so I kept an eye on it.

It got a bit better after a few hours but it really was a distinct and uncomfortable pain.  I said to Jason that it sort of didn't hurt as *much* as I thought it would but that it hurt differently and much much longer.  Did not like.

By the evening, the area felt like I had burnt it.  It was still swollen but the pain was a lot better.  I took more benadryl and some advil and discovered that when I had a shower it felt a lot better having been run under the warm water.  I'd whined to a few people and they all said oh no!  And a few even said that they had had a lot of trouble with their last wasp sting so I was aware that I night have issues for a while.

The pain would be ok and then suddenly BAM! OW! again from time to time, but I think everything I did helped.

I was thrilled to wake up the next morning and see that the swelling was almost completely gone and that there wasn't really any pain!  The finger was still warm to my touch at the site of the sting, but that reduced as the day went on.  It still feels a bit weird to the touch, but I'm happy it's so much better and almost gone. 

That sting was not a fun thing, and I guess I'm going to be even more GAAHHH! around wasps when I see them now... not that I wasn't already!  But man oh man little lady (because it's apparently only the female wasps that sting gal dangit!) that was very very uncool.  I wasn't outside and I wasn't even aware you were there.  Meanie.

Early Days

It's early days in the time change so I'm still in the "oh, maybe it'll be ok?" phase.  Which.... so far in my adult life... not so much!

I whacked my sleep self upside the head the Saturday and Sunday of the time change itself with a decent sleep (at normal ish hours) the first night/morning and then really really late (not on purpose) and gnarly sleep the second, so I'm not sure how I will adjust as the weeks go on. 

Already noticing the "holy crap it's dark out already?" kicking in pretty hard... blah.

Kind of have my fingers crossed that maybe we only have so many more years of this as I keep hearing about places that don't do it anymore. 

I think I'd like that.  You know?

Booooo

When I first started this blog, I wanted it to have photos.  I liked reading blogs that had photos from time to time as it added something to the experience.  So, I signed up with flickr and started uploading my photos there to share them here.  I didn't have a photo every post, I'd try to alternate every second day.  

When I got back from my first Burning Man in 2013, I wanted to put myself out there and I wanted to do that with something that wasn't attached to this (fairly anonymous... or at least attempting to be so) blog, so I stopped uploading to that flickr account and started a new one.  I let my pro (paid) account lapse and was happy enough with the free account.

I noticed a year or so ago that I was running out of photos I hadn't already used in a blog post and so started to work my way more carefully through the stream to find unused photos... which meant the photos were pretty random and not usually anything much to do with the post.  But that was still ok with me.

Well, Flickr was recently acquired by SmugMug, (another photo sharing site that is built for sales, as far as I can tell).  Now I've been with Flickr since 2006, so I've seen all the changes and sales/purchases over the years, so I didn't think too much about this recent change.  Until last week.

Last week Flickr/Smug Mug announced changes to their accounts.  I see what they're doing and why they're doing it but it is putting me in a blah situation.  They are limiting free accounts to 1000 photos.  Which is a pretty large number.  Except that I have 2000 photos on my account, and neither the funds or the desire to pay a yearly fee (even if it is reasonable... or not) for what is essentially a dead account.  (As in, I don't add photos to it anymore, but I do use the photos here.)

I have a month or so to delete nearly a thousand photos myself, or else Flickr/Smug Mug will delete the oldest 1000, leaving me with the allowed 1000, but broken photo links on this site. 

It's a frustration, and while I can't complain too much about a free service (even though over the years they've had money from me, at least a decade's worth) I feel I can complain about the deletion.  I think I used the site differently than most folks... it wasn't a photo storage site for me, it really was to upload photos so I could share them here.  Then I got involved in the community and I started 365 projects and I really enjoyed my time on the site.  It got weird a few years ago, and I believe this is part of what they're trying to fix and clean up now, but I am still, unfortunately, getting stuck in the middle. 

Because I have to check each photo before deletion (to make sure it is not linked to a blog page) I can't just do a mass deletion.  I have a few solid hours of pretty tedious work ahead of me to delete nine hundred and ninety something photos.  I'll probably be doing a combination of deleting any non-linked photos and uploading (and then deleting) linked photos (that makes sense to me) But unfortunately right now it means there will probably not be new photos on the blog going forward.  Until, of course, I figure something out.  Which, I'm hoping I will.  It's just been a couple of days and I've been dealing with other things rather than *just* this. 

But still... I'm sad and disappointed and kind of frustrated.  But I understand that SmugMug doesn't want to uphold the promises whatever previous owner of Flickr made.  And just because I understand their reasoning, doesn't mean I have to like it or be happy about it or find it joyful to have to do some random, mind numbing work because of it.

So boo.  Boo to having to deal with this particular thing at this particular time. 

Le sigh.

Upcoming...

To give you a sample preview of the whining we will be doing on this blog this week...

We have the time change!  Flickr/Smug Mug!  And... a wasp!

SO MUCH WHINING, SO LITTLE TIME!!!!!

Rhetoric Be Damned

Nothing is perfect.

There are always more sides to the story than you think.

But not to put too fine a point on it I am sick, and feeling like it's making me actually increasingly unwell, of the news coming out of the United States right now.  Just sick.

I mentioned it here the other day, but then I actively went and blocked certain people, words, terms and names from as many of my social media feeds as I could. 

I literally can not handle it anymore.  It is not healthy for me.  It upsets me greatly.  Not just what's going on, but the spin each side is putting on it while standing and yelling that THIS IS ALL THE OTHER SIDE'S FAULT.  I just can't.

And, no, it's not like Canada is immune to this... stuff.... but I can hope we have more... I don't know... humanity? than what I'm seeing right now.

I have to step back.  I have to.  For my own health and well being.

I know I won't be able to disengage completely.  And I know that a not awesome part of me *wants* to see just how bad the train wreck is today but that's not helping me feel good or happy or calm.

It feels like a nightmare, and I'm already having enough of those as it is thank you very much!

So I'm stepping away as best I can from the nightmare feed that is my many, lovely, kind hearted American friends and the awfulness that it coming out of their country and the horrible, probably unfixable divide they have amongst themselves.

There is more to the world than what the media is feeding us... and there is more good in the world than evil.  That I have to believe.  And I do, on most days.

Which is why, sometimes, I talk about the weather.

Feedback Loop

One of the reasons I haven't written a whole lot about my anxiety is that writing about it can cause it to flare up in a frustrating kind of feedback loop and sometimes I'm just not up for that.

I was just about to write a post, for example, about how my anxiety can trip me up when I'm trying to plan or make decisions but then in starting to think about it my anxiety started to spiral up and I went... you know what?  Not worth writing about right now. 

Because once my anxiety starts spinning (a term I use to describe how it feels to me once I sort of lose control of my calm) it'll find other things to spin about and then I'm in a panic and have to deal with that... which is not very conducive to writing a blog post ya know?

So I'll tell you instead that the rain has really hit us this week.  Heavy rain.  Which makes the days already dark and feel shorter.

But that rain has already been snow in other parts of the province, and significantly so in other provinces.  So, we may be in for one of those winters where the rest of the country kind of glares at Victoria as we try to keep our storm drains clear of leaves so the puddles don't get too deep.

Analogous

My Dad really really doesn't like it when I use analogies.  But I like them a lot!  Sorry Dad!  (Not that he reads here... at least I think/hope not..... but anyway.. I like using analogies.  My Dad doesn't.)

Did I mention my effed up shoulder?

Possibl-probab-ly.

Well, I'm using that there shoulder as an analogy today, ta da!  Or... more to the point... trying to heal that shoulder as an analogy to trying to heal my anxiety and mental health struggle (cuz my brain threw in a heavy dose of depression in the early days just for extra "fun"!)

So, about a year ago (there's that anniversary stuff again!) my shoulder.. broke.

I say "broke" because nothing really happened.  I was working with a trainer at the time and you get used to twinges or ouches happening from time to time, so it's entirely possible there was a twinge in the (right) shoulder and I just didn't think anything of it.

I also spent time staying over at Jason's around this time (to support him through his stuff, not romantically at all) and I really do think that being in a foreign bed did not help my shoulder (neck?) at all. 

I first noticed it because a stretch I like to do, I couldn't do anymore.  Not sure if it has a name, but you put one arm behind your back bent towards the middle of your back, and the other arm goes up and bends down to hopefully touch your hands in the middle of your back (make sense?)  Well, I've always been able to do that stretch easily and I noticed at some point that I wasn't able to reach my right arm towards the middle of my back.  Hmm... odd.

I mentioned it to my trainer, and we took things easy but things didn't get better.  Again, there was no main injury or anything, so I just thought things would... go back to normal.  But they didn't.

I didn't do much about it.  In part because I was already dealing with doctors and such for my anxiety, and trying to support Jason, but also in part because my doctor suddenly announced she was retiring and it was like, well.... crap.

At some point last Winter, my shoulder was really bad.  I could barely sleep... every time I rolled over the pain would wake me up.  It would hurt as soon as I was awake.  Putting on a jacket hurt.  Accidentally dropping something, and forgetting and trying to catch it would nearly cause me to pass out.  I couldn't lie on that (my favourite) side at all.  It was... bad. 

I started mentioning it to practitioners... physio type people... and this is where the analogy starts up...

My massage therapist, after a few months, told me to make an appointment to see a surgeon.  He was pretty sure there was something bad going on and that I needed to see a specialist.  I.... didn't.  (I was without a family doctor for about seven months... I am SO grateful that someone eventually took over my doctor's practice but it was still a while where I just didn't see anyone.)  One physio said it was probably from X and so they did whatever treatment for that.  I stopped working with the personal trainer and minimized the physio-exercise-training I did with a specialist for a while and they had me focussing on Y.  After a number of months of no improvement, I went to a different physio.  They had a very different approach and suggested W.  I then also remembered an alternative Chinese medicine doctor I'd worked with ages ago and went in to see him.  And that started helping.  Significantly.

I stuck with the second physio and she suggested it was possible a frozen shoulder without actually being a frozen shoulder and that I should get an ultrasound to see if there was anything injured or.. whatever.  So I had a doctor at this point and we requested an ultrasound.... and then waited... and then requested again.  And I just had it recently and it turned out negative (as in nothing wrong.)  Which is great, because yay no issue!  But also... well what then?

Second physio said to just keep it mobile and that it would run its course in its own time.  So I'm working on mobility and not pushing it too hard.

Second physio also talked about how with frozen shoulders (which this isn't...) they used to do SO much work to/on them and then discovered that treatment wasn't really helping.  And that the shoulders (with that particular diagnoses) would pretty much heal themselves in their own time and way with limited interference. 

And, so yes, my shoulder is a lot better.  I still can't do that stretch.. and have had to, for example, adjust how I do up my bra, and I'm still cautious of the shoulder.  But I can lie on it for a bit.  I can sleep without pain, I can roll over without thought... I don't have to sleep with a pillow under that arm (although sometimes it can help when it's a bit sore).  I have the memories of being unable to even lie on the other side because the weight of the arm itself was too painful for the shoulder.    It's still not great and not back to where I want it to be but it's better.

So if we look at how many different approaches were suggested to this one shoulder pain of unknown origin... surgery, physio style 1, physio style 2, movement, weights, no weights, etc etc, and then realize that that's how it's been for me trying to work out how best to treat/work with/heal/fix(?)/live with my anxiety, it's really similar... at least to me.

There isn't a one size fits all way to help people with anxiety.  There are a lot of things that seem to work for a lot of people but there are also multiple, multiple approaches! 

I have no real idea what has actually helped my shoulder.  Is it time?  Not using weights?  Movement?  Whatever the Chinese medicine physio/acpuncture doctor does?  Is it being back in my own bed?  Lower stress levels?  THE WEATHER?  Better food?  Like, really, it may be a small percentage of each of these, but I can't point to any one thing and say "That!  That cured my shoulder pain!"

With my anxiety, I have found things that work... acupuncture, certain natural remedies, yoga, self talk, counselling, different types of counselling, a sh*t ton of hard mental work.  (Like holy cow so so much exhausting, constant hard work!)  Crying.  (I feel so much better after a good cry, but I don't let go enough for that very often).  Mindfulness.  Meditation.  Cardio.  Certain foods.  And so on.  But I have had other things recommended to me that just didn't work.  That made things worse.  And that, I'm afraid to say, in some cases nearly killed me. 

So there isn't always one answer as to how to deal with a "broken" shoulder.  There isn't one answer either as to how to deal with an individual struggling with depression or anxiety.  The best thing one of the health people said to me though was that the body will generally heal itself naturally (or start to be showing signs of healing) within two weeks.  So if you had surgery and the wound isn't healing (or healed) within two weeks the body needs help and you need to see a doctor.  So with my shoulder, he said, I should have been in seeing someone about it within two weeks of the pain starting.  Not the (embarassing) eight to nine months before dealing with it.  Ahem.

I will say the same for mental health struggles.  We all go through things, but if they aren't improving and are impacting your life, ask for help.  I just think it, at least for me, is much much harder to recognize and realize.  When my shoulder was hurting it was obvious.  Like holy cow it hurt, so obvious.  I knew something was wrong, I just... well, I didn't do anything about it.  My bad.  But when my anxiety was bad?  I feel like I sort of didn't know.  I've referred to it like that saying about the frog in the pot of water... It's really only looking back now on what I did choose to share here that I can see how much I was struggling and not really realizing it was as bad as it was.

Maybe if someone lives through a trauma it's more obvious/clear.  But for me, while it seemed to come on suddenly, it really didn't.  And I think had I known to seek help a lot sooner, things might not have gotten as bad as they did.

But hindsight is 20/20 as they say and we all do the best we can with what we have at the time.  So three years ago right now... things weren't good, and I had no idea how my life was going to unfold.

Just like how a year ago I had no idea my shoulder would make me want to cut it off and buy a new one just to stop that pain from happening.