Monday, 3 December 2007

The Update I Really Don't Feel Like Making

I've mulled this post over for a couple of days and figure it's bothering me enough that I may as well babble it out here.

That helps sometimes.

Smith emailed me last week.

I'd had a few phone calls from him recently, but was never home to get them and although he said he'd call back he never did and I was relieved.

It meant I didn't have to try to figure out how to talk to him or what to say. So when he didn't call again I just figured he was moving on and it was all good. I really had nothing more to say to him anyway.

But then he emailed me. I was pretty surprised, to be honest, and not altogether thrilled. He caught me up on what his plans are (probably spy school and buying a house) and finished off by asking me if I'd met anyone since my posts here didn't really tell him much.

I was floored.

And disappointed.

And knowing that he still reads here, I didn't really want to talk to y'all about it, but I figure it might help. (And I figured that if I watch too much about what one person might think about what I say I'll never write what I'm really going through/feeling.) So I'm trying to write this as if he doesn't, but it's hard to do.

I guess I'd just hoped...well I don't know what I'd hoped.

I'd hoped that we had nothing more to say to each other because I don't want to have to small talk with him and I don't have any more conversation in me to have with him. He's not someone I can share my life with anymore; he chose differently.

And I guess I'm disappointed that he turned out to be someone different from who I'd thought he was. And I guess I'm pissed that things we talked about him doing (and things I hoped would let us have a life together) while we were together are things he's doing now anyway.

It's annoying me that one little email has gotten so under my skin and I'm hoping it'll get better with time.

Well, I know it will... been there, done that, right?

It felt,though, the day after the email, like one step forwards, one step back, but I realize that it's more like a hundred steps forward, one step back.

It's just a bummer.

I had moved on from Smith, with maybe only an occasional not superly positive thought about him. Now I feel a little annoyed and angry and hurt again and I'm not enjoying being back in that spot.

Didn't help much that this weekend the whole rest of the island got a dumping of snow (and the mainland) and I got rain and a bit of sleety snain (I made that word up, cool, eh?) that was disappointing.

Plus a cool chick at work left on Friday and Monday's going to be bit lonely without her.

Guess it wasn't the best of weekends, eh?

I wish Smith well, don't get me wrong, I just don't want to keep in touch anymore... it doesn't seem to work for me staying "friends" with Exes. Maybe I'll want to talk to him again someday, just not now.

Actually, now that I think more about it, I think maybe I just had a bit of a downer weekend. I've had three people call me today alone talking about how awesome the snow is and how much I must be loving it and I keep having to say "Well, no, it didn't snow here at all somehow."

It really sucked.

It bummed me out and I guess it got me thinking down the drain hole a little.

Here's to a better week this week and to another hundred steps forward.

Here's to not needing to look back.


Blogger LeahA said...

Amen to the not looking back !

Monday, December 03, 2007 8:05:00 am  
Blogger Jenn said...

I agree with Leaha, we were actually just talking about the issues of being friends with exes - and in the end I don't think it's worth the emotional energy that could be funneled towards yourself or new positive relationships.

Monday, December 03, 2007 8:35:00 am  
Blogger Alexandra said...

I'm trying to turn my relationship with my ex into some sort of friendship right now...It's hard. I almost think it's worth the effort it takes because he was such an important part of my life for so long, and the reason we were together so long was because we fundamentally get eachother...but it's definitely hard right now. I do hope it gets easier with time...

I wish I could send you some of our snow. we got LOTS. I had to shovel our driveway and sidewalk for almost 4 hours yesterday...Bah!

Monday, December 03, 2007 9:18:00 am  
Blogger dilling said...

Hey, the snow is not so awesome!!! It is downpour(sideways) right now and it's all melting so fast that it's FLOODING in some spots, and people still can't drive well enough. It's not pretty.
You'll get pretty snow soon enough. Pretty pretty.

Monday, December 03, 2007 9:59:00 am  
Blogger abstractjenn said...

Ugh Victoria - sounds like it's time to get in touch with those people and take that vacation. I have an ex who may or may not read my blog -I hope he doesn't sometimes and then other times I think about sending him secret messages and seeing if he is paying attention. You are so past that stage.
I can feel the heaviness in your post. I agree with the staying friends. I think so many men want to do that so they can have their cake and eat it too. It's frustrating.
I wish we did live in the same building - I'd invite you down for some Ben & Jerry's and maybe a shot of whiskey.

Monday, December 03, 2007 12:59:00 pm  
Blogger cocoa_no_gogo said...

Well that sucks.

And just when you were regaining some balance.

I'll take a nip of what I keep in my bottom desk-drawer and toast to you.

Monday, December 03, 2007 2:31:00 pm  
Blogger The Single Girl said...

Here's to looking forward, but not kicking yourself if you do look back from time to time.


Monday, December 03, 2007 2:46:00 pm  
Blogger Likalia said...


I'm with Dilling on the snow, was cool for a few hours if you could get out in it but it was still wet, and now it is just rain and flooding. I kind of like snow to stay on the mountain. :)

Monday, December 03, 2007 3:48:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Well, hey guys, thanks! I feel better already. You're awesome.

Monday, December 03, 2007 8:45:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Sometimes it's hard not to but it sure is good when you can! : )

I totally totally agree. " I don't think it's worth the emotional energy that could be funneled towards yourself or new positive relationships." Amen. Totally.

I hope it gets easier for you too. Some people seem to manage to make it work. I hope you do if it's what you want. It just doesn't work for me : )

PS. I'd totally take some of your snow! ;)

Dilling, I know it gets kinda messy, but it's pretty at the time. Specially on a weekend when you don't have to drive. I hear it's pretty ucky up there now, eh?

Abstract Jenn,
That'd be so awesome if it really was a real vacation! (Happy sigh)
I'm kinda past wanting to send Smith secret messages on my blog, but knowing he may read it means I hold back in what I'm saying sometimes, so that's a bummer.
I'd so be there with the Ben and Jerry's! *hugs*

You hang in there too kay?

Thanks dude. I hope the nip was most excellent : )
Rock on.

Awesomely said.
Will not kick myself.

Thanks for the hugs. And I hope you're not getting too floody!

Monday, December 03, 2007 8:59:00 pm  
Blogger Laura said...

I think the fact that you don't really want to talk to him says a lot about how far you've come. So good on ya for that :) Might be an idea to set some boundaries with him and explain as tactfully as possible that you don't want him to call you anymore. Then don't take his calls if he does that again. It's hard but sometimes it's harder to let it drag on. Clean breaks work better most times.

Sending happy thoughts and snow your way :)

Monday, December 03, 2007 11:12:00 pm  
Blogger Delton said...

All the best to you. I don't have any specific advice, but I'm glad to hear that you're already feeling a bit better.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 6:52:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I guess a boundaries talk might be in order Laura. True, thanks!

I'm glad too Delton. : )

Tuesday, December 04, 2007 7:59:00 am  
Blogger Yvonne said...

Good old Smith. I can't help but wonder what his motives were here - was he "testing" you to see if he still had a chance to get you back or was he just rubbing salt in the wound?
I'm glad to know that you've put him in the past. {{hugs}}

(At least he doesn't owe you $1200! My ex and I have been on civil terms but recently I asked him for the money he owes me and now he won't communicate with me at all. He even removed me from any online friend list he had. Responsible and mature, hey? Sometimes I hate boys.)

Wednesday, December 05, 2007 8:22:00 pm  
Anonymous b's s said...

hi victoria,

i 'creep' your blog from time to time, and i've seen reflections of my own past relationships in your 'smith' entries.

here's my contribution: i had a similar thing happen to me, where someone who i had loved very deeply (and who had really hurt me) wrote me the 'update' email. i completely understand the feeling of overwhelming disappointment: disappointment in the banality of the exchange, of the lack of you in his future plans and of the fact that he will never be completely gone from your life.

but. through your blogs, i have gathered that you are a funny, intelligent, self-effacing girl who will ONE day meet someone who will complement you so well that smith will just be a small scar, barely visible.

i did - and he's still a greek god ;-)

Saturday, December 08, 2007 12:44:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

B's S, okay, now I'm laughing and crying and embarrassed all at once.

Thank you very much, really.

It's good to hear that you've gone through similar things and that you understand why the email bothered me so much (it was hard to put into words, but you managed just fine, perfectly actually.)

I hope what you say is true : )
I'll choose to believe it. I'm just not ready to go there, you know?

Thank you. I'm glad you found your greek god! ; )

Hugs n stuff.

And now I must go blow my nose.

Saturday, December 08, 2007 10:53:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

PS, 'creeping' is awesome, creep away! But also, thanks for the comment : )

Saturday, December 08, 2007 10:53:00 am  
Anonymous s said...

don't be embarrassed!! i thought the post was brilliant (after i busted him on it first, though ;-)

anyway - it took me a LONG time to be ready, too - a long, long time. so long that the length of getting-overness often made me feel ashamed...but in retrospect, i realize that we all need that time to reach 'ready' again...however long it takes.

but anyway - keep up the immensely enjoyable blog entries, and i will do a "snow dance" for you!


Saturday, December 08, 2007 2:09:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'm going to take heart from you "long long time" thought. Sometimes I think I'm still getting over the ex ex.

Right now I'm really comfortable with letting the long long time happen, I'm really not up for anything again any time soon. whew.

And thanks for the snow dance! I'm crossing my fingers as there's a small chance for some tomorrow (shhhh, it's a secret)

: )

Saturday, December 08, 2007 7:04:00 pm  

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