The Update I Really Don't Feel Like Making

I've mulled this post over for a couple of days and figure it's bothering me enough that I may as well babble it out here.

That helps sometimes.

Smith emailed me last week.

I'd had a few phone calls from him recently, but was never home to get them and although he said he'd call back he never did and I was relieved.

It meant I didn't have to try to figure out how to talk to him or what to say. So when he didn't call again I just figured he was moving on and it was all good. I really had nothing more to say to him anyway.

But then he emailed me. I was pretty surprised, to be honest, and not altogether thrilled. He caught me up on what his plans are (probably spy school and buying a house) and finished off by asking me if I'd met anyone since my posts here didn't really tell him much.

I was floored.

And disappointed.

And knowing that he still reads here, I didn't really want to talk to y'all about it, but I figure it might help. (And I figured that if I watch too much about what one person might think about what I say I'll never write what I'm really going through/feeling.) So I'm trying to write this as if he doesn't, but it's hard to do.

I guess I'd just hoped...well I don't know what I'd hoped.

I'd hoped that we had nothing more to say to each other because I don't want to have to small talk with him and I don't have any more conversation in me to have with him. He's not someone I can share my life with anymore; he chose differently.

And I guess I'm disappointed that he turned out to be someone different from who I'd thought he was. And I guess I'm pissed that things we talked about him doing (and things I hoped would let us have a life together) while we were together are things he's doing now anyway.

It's annoying me that one little email has gotten so under my skin and I'm hoping it'll get better with time.

Well, I know it will... been there, done that, right?

It felt,though, the day after the email, like one step forwards, one step back, but I realize that it's more like a hundred steps forward, one step back.

It's just a bummer.

I had moved on from Smith, with maybe only an occasional not superly positive thought about him. Now I feel a little annoyed and angry and hurt again and I'm not enjoying being back in that spot.

Didn't help much that this weekend the whole rest of the island got a dumping of snow (and the mainland) and I got rain and a bit of sleety snain (I made that word up, cool, eh?) that was disappointing.

Plus a cool chick at work left on Friday and Monday's going to be bit lonely without her.

Guess it wasn't the best of weekends, eh?

I wish Smith well, don't get me wrong, I just don't want to keep in touch anymore... it doesn't seem to work for me staying "friends" with Exes. Maybe I'll want to talk to him again someday, just not now.

Actually, now that I think more about it, I think maybe I just had a bit of a downer weekend. I've had three people call me today alone talking about how awesome the snow is and how much I must be loving it and I keep having to say "Well, no, it didn't snow here at all somehow."

It really sucked.

It bummed me out and I guess it got me thinking down the drain hole a little.

Here's to a better week this week and to another hundred steps forward.

Here's to not needing to look back.