The Missing*

I've been thinking, lately, about how my breakup with Smith (Dude, can I tell you how tired I am of talking about our "breakup"? I kind of hate that term and wish it would just disappear and that I could create a new term that didn't just make me sound pathetic. Because, we're not on a break, we tried that already, but since I'm not totally really completely moving on [yet] I hate calling it a breakup. Sigh.) Smith ended things and how I've felt so many different ways about it.

Most people are familiar with the stages of mourning or the grief cycle and I've been thinking about how what I've been going through fits perfectly into this model.

I think that I was in a denial phase for a really really long time. I think maybe while we were even still together I was trying to convince myself it was working better than it was and once things stopped going well at all I couldn't face it. I didn't want everything to be getting in the way of what I thought could be a good thing.

Somewhere in there a lot of bargaining took place. I kept on thinking of what I might be able to do to save the relationship. I started to consider things I didn't want to do and I started to try to force things to be different or to change, knowing all the while the more I forced it the less it worked.

And then the depression.

And anger.

And depression.

I'm not sure where I am right now. The stages aren't mutually exclusive and sometimes you cycle back and forth and in and out of them and there's no way of telling how different people will go through things or how different things will affect someone, so as you all reminded me, I'm not "supposed" to be anywhere, really.

I'm not sure I'm accepting that our relationship is over, so maybe I'm in some sort of bargaining stage again or something? I just know I've been missing Smith lately. The anger isn't as strong (seriously, it suddenly disappeared about two weeks ago and I can't figure out why) and I'm not feeling so blue anymore even though there's still a lot of sadness there.

I guess, right now, I'm feeling un-convinced that Smith is meant to be out of my life forever, but if he is, I believe that time will show me that and it'll be ok.

Maybe that's just denial in a different form.

It's certainly interesting to be able to look at it and see where I've been and what I've gone through. Blogs is good for that, eh?

I miss Smith and only time will tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The point is, it's a thing, and there's no point in trying to hurry that thing away.

My grief over what has gone on with the end of my relationship with Smith will run its course at its own rate. I'm going to try not to beat myself up over trying to be where I (or anyone else) think I "should" be.

"Be gentle with yourself" -Max Ehrmann

*A play on a beautiful song by the amazing Xavier Rudd, My Missing, the key words of which are "I miss you in my life" which is terrifically true for me. I miss Smith in my life and sometimes I think he feels the same way.