Monday, 1 October 2007

The Missing*

I've been thinking, lately, about how my breakup with Smith (Dude, can I tell you how tired I am of talking about our "breakup"? I kind of hate that term and wish it would just disappear and that I could create a new term that didn't just make me sound pathetic. Because, we're not on a break, we tried that already, but since I'm not totally really completely moving on [yet] I hate calling it a breakup. Sigh.) Smith ended things and how I've felt so many different ways about it.

Most people are familiar with the stages of mourning or the grief cycle and I've been thinking about how what I've been going through fits perfectly into this model.

I think that I was in a denial phase for a really really long time. I think maybe while we were even still together I was trying to convince myself it was working better than it was and once things stopped going well at all I couldn't face it. I didn't want everything to be getting in the way of what I thought could be a good thing.

Somewhere in there a lot of bargaining took place. I kept on thinking of what I might be able to do to save the relationship. I started to consider things I didn't want to do and I started to try to force things to be different or to change, knowing all the while the more I forced it the less it worked.

And then the depression.

And anger.

And depression.

I'm not sure where I am right now. The stages aren't mutually exclusive and sometimes you cycle back and forth and in and out of them and there's no way of telling how different people will go through things or how different things will affect someone, so as you all reminded me, I'm not "supposed" to be anywhere, really.

I'm not sure I'm accepting that our relationship is over, so maybe I'm in some sort of bargaining stage again or something? I just know I've been missing Smith lately. The anger isn't as strong (seriously, it suddenly disappeared about two weeks ago and I can't figure out why) and I'm not feeling so blue anymore even though there's still a lot of sadness there.

I guess, right now, I'm feeling un-convinced that Smith is meant to be out of my life forever, but if he is, I believe that time will show me that and it'll be ok.

Maybe that's just denial in a different form.

It's certainly interesting to be able to look at it and see where I've been and what I've gone through. Blogs is good for that, eh?

I miss Smith and only time will tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The point is, it's a thing, and there's no point in trying to hurry that thing away.

My grief over what has gone on with the end of my relationship with Smith will run its course at its own rate. I'm going to try not to beat myself up over trying to be where I (or anyone else) think I "should" be.

"Be gentle with yourself" -Max Ehrmann

*A play on a beautiful song by the amazing Xavier Rudd, My Missing, the key words of which are "I miss you in my life" which is terrifically true for me. I miss Smith in my life and sometimes I think he feels the same way.


Blogger dilling said...

you are a child of the universe...amen.

Monday, October 01, 2007 8:35:00 am  
Blogger Delton said...

nice self-analysis. I hope maybe going back through all those old thoughts may have helped a bit.

Monday, October 01, 2007 10:26:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Dilling, this is good, right?

Delton, I think looking back at things did help, once I was ready to do so...know what I mean? It did help to have a version of it written out too since memory adjusts what really happened.

Monday, October 01, 2007 6:39:00 pm  
Blogger Jenn said...

Your words could have been coming out of my mouth about 5 years ago - I was totally unconvinced that my ex was out of my life forever, that it was all temporary, and one day we would find our way back to eachother. Those thoughts consumed me for years...literally. And then one day out of the blue, I fell in love where I least expected to - it was kind of like getting hit by a bus (except in a good way...maybe like getting hit by a chocolate bus or something!) Time showed me that all things happened for a reason, and whether it's meant to be or it's not, these things have a way of working themselves out...sometimes you wish time would just hurry up already and get on with it, but I suspect it will happen when you least expect it to!

Monday, October 01, 2007 7:49:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Can I tell you how excited I am by the idea of a chocolate bus? Eeeeee!

Since only time will tell I guess I'm just going to try to not be too hard on myself while time is... passing.

I'm glad to hear about your chocolate bus and I hope mine isn't too far off! ; )

Monday, October 01, 2007 7:57:00 pm  
Blogger Delton said...

Chocolate buses? Clearly you're a bit delusional too!

Anyway, I just had to come back and post this link since as soon as I saw it, I was thinking of you.

Hope you're having a good evening!

Monday, October 01, 2007 8:19:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Mmmmmm chocolate bus!

Awesome link! lol

Monday, October 01, 2007 9:39:00 pm  

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