Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Here's A(nother) Window Into My Brain

I'm having a hard time with the way I look lately.

And I know that most of you don't know what I look like, and those of you who do are good enough friends that you'd tell me I'm crazy to think negatively about my looks, but this isn't about making sense.

It's a combination of a lot of things (as these things usually are) starting with an off-hand comment from someone that if I'd just "die my hair blonde I'd be married." Which, ordinarily wouldn't have bothered me, but seeing as I'm currently a little sensitive about being un-married, it stung. (Plus, I've been almost blonde before and it didn't get me married, so the comment is one of those that logically shouldn't have mattered, but did.)

Then there was the announcement at work the other day that another (younger than I) co-spy-worker is pregnant and the comments going around the bat cave that it must be in the water and it just reminded me that I'm very much not in that loop. Again, not something that should have bothered me since I'm not sure about wanting to have kids, but as I've already said, this isn't about "logic" and "should", it's about me being in a tough space with where I am.

And I've had a slight slip in the physical pain area from pushing too hard and have had to step back a little. Which, I know (again, logically) is ok and normal when recovering from injury but is still hard and frustrating because I want to push and then sometimes I worry that this is what aging is going to be like; a constant struggle to balance and keep things from hurting too much.

Knowing that weight is a very sensitive topic, I hesitate before saying this, but I'm also having a hard time because I've put on some weight in the last little while of eating gluten and not eating chocolate (which would sound like something you'd lose weight doing except when you counter the cravings by eating a gazillion pounds of candy. Sigh.) Now, I'm nowhere near heavy and we're not talking about a lot of weight, but I also know how hard it is for me to lose weight and I also know it's my fault for choosing to just enjoy the time free of worry about what I'm "supposed" to be eating. And I'm worried that it's the start of something big and that it'll get out of control. There's also an aspect of But this is a big one for me. It's a constant mental fight. Knowing that it's not the end of the world, again, logically, but hearing the nasty voices in my head saying all sorts of horrible things about me and what they say I look like. It's tiring to be having to constantly refute the nasty voices, but I guess I can at least say I'm happy I'm doing that.

And then I've found myself looking at the way I dress and feeling like I look frumpy. Like I'm not showing off my body the way I could. Like I'm not dressed like the women on tv or in magazines or even walking down the street. I don't love shopping. I don't have money to throw at clothes. I don't love the way I dress, but don't know what to do about it. And I get tired of doing my hair and makeup but then I feel worse if I don't. And it sucks to feel like any of this matters, which logically (word of the day) I know it shouldn't and it's about who you are inside and whatnot, but that's not where I'm at.

The nasty voice in my head tells me I'm old and fat and ugly. That's the truth of it.

I don't know how many of you have a voice that tells you something like that too, but I can't imagine I'm the only one.

What's hard is when I start to find the truth in that the voice is saying. "Well, yes, I am older than I was last year, and I'm older than so and so and she's married/pregnant/engaged/gorgeous. And no, I'm not overweight, but I have put on five pounds in the last three months, so it's kind of like I'm heading towards it. And, no, I'm not ugly, but there are SO many prettier girls than me and more gorgeous girls than me and I certainly don't make myself look good so in a way I make myself ugly." Because then I feel worse about everything because the part of me that's meant to be sensible is siding with the nasty voice and so maybe they're both right?

So I fight it. I'm fighting it all the time these days. I'm fighting it and I'm working towards doing something about it, whether that be paying more attention to what I eat and why (hello emotional eating, how are you?) or buying a new bronzer so I feel like I've got that sun-kissed look which makes me feel like I'm presenting myself well, or whatever it is.

But, I tell you, it's tiring and it's hard and it's bringing me down.

I don't feel attractive these days and I'm bummed out about being single right now and I'm tired of the voice in my head telling me these two things are related.

How do you deal with feeling unattractive, or being bummed about being single? I'd love your thoughts and advice and hugs.


Blogger Single and Picky said...

First of all *Hugs*

Second, go buy yourself some flowers - they cheer me up - something extravagant and while you’re at it walk down the street with them so all those girls you think are more pretty than can know you are a woman worthy of amazing flowers - who cares who bought them.

Third, know that you are not alone - I have thought about this quite a bit as of late, bemoaned it with Ms. J too - to be honest I don't think there is a rhyme or reason to these things - blond, brown or red your hair is hair, 5 pounds more or less I don't think it makes a difference. I used to believe that but if that was the case then darn well I should be married and having babies.

Yes none of the little self doubt nagging things help, like when the duds you date end up with women who you might even think are less (blank) than you and you are start going well I’m so much better why didn’t he like me? And so the story goes.

So I suggest you consider a walk, a cup of tea and a little self love and grace. Easy things to say, hard to learn but even in small doses I find it is often enough for my brain to realize I am fabulous and not frumpy.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 12:41:00 pm  
Blogger SusieQ6283 said...

I second the hug. And AGREE, you should buy yourself your favorite flowers, just because. Or walk to your favorite coffee shop, just because. Small doses. I think I just had the same day you did- frump girl day. It's raining where I am and I def had to walk through the nasty rain and wind. If I would have said "hate" one more time in my mind, I don't think I would have made it home. But you know what, I made it home. Finished what I had to and began reading and researching things that make me happy in small doses. I thank you for allowing me to stumble upon your blog.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 4:49:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

First of all, thanks S and P,second, that's a good idea, flowers. Third, it is good to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Really.
So, thanks. I'm off to have a bath right now and will work on other little things too.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 6:32:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Ummmm.... Blogger keeps telling me there's another comment here to read but I don't seeeeee it...ghost comment?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 6:55:00 pm  
Anonymous Narami said...

"How do you deal with feeling unattractive, or being bummed about being single? I'd love your thoughts and advice and hugs."

I whine A LOT. I wear red lipstick the days I feel I can not possibly make it through another day. I never go outside my house without my eyebrows done. I enjoy my hair (wild or styled) so I feel more confident if I focus on it when I'm getting ready to work (most difficult time for me on a particular "I'M SINGLE AND IT SUCKS" day is to look decent to work. Like, WHY BOTHER?!) I make sure I'm busy when I'm feeling lonely, loneliness depresses me TOOMUCH.
One thing that I really changed was the "I can't do/go this/there because I have no one to do/go with!!" I sabotaged myself a lot with that and it was a cycle of frustration that never ended; now when I want to do something I do it and I block all bad thoughts about how pathetic I am for doing things alone. I do things, I enjoy them and I am not pathetic damn it! I am also careful never to deny that, yes, I would change all my time disposing advantages for submission for a husband and many babies; but at the moment I'm given lemons and I'm getting the salt and a lot of tequila.

Hugs and positive vibes your way.

(Oh, and weird, today I saw this woman, Mama Gena who is an advocate of woman feeling empowered and she had this mantra for women when they were to go out and about that said "I'm gorgeous, I'm fabulous and I'm hot". It worked for them. *shrug*)

Tuesday, March 30, 2010 8:55:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Good advice and thoughts Narami, thanks. And I like your "at the moment I'm given lemons and I'm getting the salt and a lot of tequila" line ;)


Tuesday, March 30, 2010 8:58:00 pm  
Anonymous KristeninJersey said...

I could have written your post (although not quite as well! lol) - I am feeling the exact same way lately! I call it a "funk" but what you said about it being tiring and hard and bringing you down is just so true.

Glad to know I'm not alone. :-)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 2:46:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Kristen :) I'm glad to know I'm not alone too!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 7:08:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh, hi SusieQ! (Yours must be the mystery comment which has now shown up, yay!) Thanks for the hug and advice too. Small doses, yeah. I had a walk with a good friend today and that helped a little. And I think I'll try Easter flowers this weekend. I'm glad you stumbled upon my blog too :)

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 7:11:00 pm  
Blogger the one in the back said...

How 'bout an unabashed, "lay it on, thick," no-holds-barred, melt-in-your-mouth compliment from a not-so-strange stranger?

Here goes:

I know you are beautiful, even when I don't know your face.
You're beautiful because you're real, and yet, not real...a person behind an electronic veil of well-written, thought provoking, guffaw-inducing words.
You're beautiful because you are a mystery inside a puzzle, wrapped in a conundrum - and I'm curious.
You're beautiful because you have a good eye. And it takes beauty to recognize beauty.
You're beautiful because you have great taste in music (this is a biggie).
You're beautiful because you're silly (also a biggie).
You're beautiful because you always try to better yourself.
You're beautiful because I think you are.

I could go on, but I don't want the other ladies to get any more jealous of you than they already are ;-)

Feel better.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 8:32:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...


That made me smile (and then almost cry and then smile again) so thanks.



Wednesday, March 31, 2010 9:26:00 pm  
Blogger Single and Picky said...

I think The One in the Back needs an AMEN for that comment about you dear. So AMEN.

Thursday, April 01, 2010 9:40:00 am  
Blogger Ms Behaviour said...

AMEN! I think I'm in love with toitb :)

I have lots of little voices and they sing me a song, "stupid, fat and ugly!" over and over in a neverending loop. Some days the song is quieter. I avoid mirrors a lot. And tight pants!

I have lots of self-destructive, sometimes pseudo-productive behaviour. Sometimes I take that energy and turn it into something productive. Like I take it to work or to the gym or blog or whatever. Sometimes I take it to the grocery store and end up emotional eating or to the mall and kill my credit card. I have no helpful advice. But you are DEFINITELY not alone.

Thursday, April 01, 2010 2:18:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahem. I'm commenting Anon, so as to remain- you know, Anon. But, I have been going through this funk myself! Not as much within the last few weeks. I hate that feeling, and I want people to line up and tell me I'm beautiful and amazing, but I don't even know if that would help.

Somedays though, when it's really bad, and I need a laugh, every boy I pass I think, "He wants me, too bad he can't have me." Try it. It might make you smile.

Chin up- you are BEAUTIFUL. God made you that way. =)

Thursday, April 01, 2010 6:17:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Amen S and P! ;)

Ms B, that's a nasty song to hear :( But good for you having some ways to counter it.

Thanks Anon. And I like your idea, I think that would totally make me smile :)

Thursday, April 01, 2010 11:50:00 pm  
Anonymous cb said...

One word.....yoga.
Sounds weird, I know :) But I've been where you are (and sometimes slip back) and I swear it works!
I'll bet you're really not all of those things you chastise yourself about, you're just a little out of balance, thats all.
You write beautifully, and I've seen my struggles often in your writing.
Hugs from Halifax,

Thursday, April 22, 2010 2:15:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Doesn't sound weird at all CB, I've loved yoga before, just haven't fitted it in to my schedule lately.
Thanks :)
Hugs back at cha!

Thursday, April 22, 2010 4:32:00 pm  

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