Here's A(nother) Window Into My Brain

I'm having a hard time with the way I look lately.

And I know that most of you don't know what I look like, and those of you who do are good enough friends that you'd tell me I'm crazy to think negatively about my looks, but this isn't about making sense.

It's a combination of a lot of things (as these things usually are) starting with an off-hand comment from someone that if I'd just "die my hair blonde I'd be married." Which, ordinarily wouldn't have bothered me, but seeing as I'm currently a little sensitive about being un-married, it stung. (Plus, I've been almost blonde before and it didn't get me married, so the comment is one of those that logically shouldn't have mattered, but did.)

Then there was the announcement at work the other day that another (younger than I) co-spy-worker is pregnant and the comments going around the bat cave that it must be in the water and it just reminded me that I'm very much not in that loop. Again, not something that should have bothered me since I'm not sure about wanting to have kids, but as I've already said, this isn't about "logic" and "should", it's about me being in a tough space with where I am.

And I've had a slight slip in the physical pain area from pushing too hard and have had to step back a little. Which, I know (again, logically) is ok and normal when recovering from injury but is still hard and frustrating because I want to push and then sometimes I worry that this is what aging is going to be like; a constant struggle to balance and keep things from hurting too much.

Knowing that weight is a very sensitive topic, I hesitate before saying this, but I'm also having a hard time because I've put on some weight in the last little while of eating gluten and not eating chocolate (which would sound like something you'd lose weight doing except when you counter the cravings by eating a gazillion pounds of candy. Sigh.) Now, I'm nowhere near heavy and we're not talking about a lot of weight, but I also know how hard it is for me to lose weight and I also know it's my fault for choosing to just enjoy the time free of worry about what I'm "supposed" to be eating. And I'm worried that it's the start of something big and that it'll get out of control. There's also an aspect of But this is a big one for me. It's a constant mental fight. Knowing that it's not the end of the world, again, logically, but hearing the nasty voices in my head saying all sorts of horrible things about me and what they say I look like. It's tiring to be having to constantly refute the nasty voices, but I guess I can at least say I'm happy I'm doing that.

And then I've found myself looking at the way I dress and feeling like I look frumpy. Like I'm not showing off my body the way I could. Like I'm not dressed like the women on tv or in magazines or even walking down the street. I don't love shopping. I don't have money to throw at clothes. I don't love the way I dress, but don't know what to do about it. And I get tired of doing my hair and makeup but then I feel worse if I don't. And it sucks to feel like any of this matters, which logically (word of the day) I know it shouldn't and it's about who you are inside and whatnot, but that's not where I'm at.

The nasty voice in my head tells me I'm old and fat and ugly. That's the truth of it.

I don't know how many of you have a voice that tells you something like that too, but I can't imagine I'm the only one.

What's hard is when I start to find the truth in that the voice is saying. "Well, yes, I am older than I was last year, and I'm older than so and so and she's married/pregnant/engaged/gorgeous. And no, I'm not overweight, but I have put on five pounds in the last three months, so it's kind of like I'm heading towards it. And, no, I'm not ugly, but there are SO many prettier girls than me and more gorgeous girls than me and I certainly don't make myself look good so in a way I make myself ugly." Because then I feel worse about everything because the part of me that's meant to be sensible is siding with the nasty voice and so maybe they're both right?

So I fight it. I'm fighting it all the time these days. I'm fighting it and I'm working towards doing something about it, whether that be paying more attention to what I eat and why (hello emotional eating, how are you?) or buying a new bronzer so I feel like I've got that sun-kissed look which makes me feel like I'm presenting myself well, or whatever it is.

But, I tell you, it's tiring and it's hard and it's bringing me down.

I don't feel attractive these days and I'm bummed out about being single right now and I'm tired of the voice in my head telling me these two things are related.

How do you deal with feeling unattractive, or being bummed about being single? I'd love your thoughts and advice and hugs.