While It Lasted

So things didn't work out for Chad and I.

(Wait, who's Chad? Chad is the name I've just this minute decided to give that guy. Why "Chad" ? I don't know.)

We went on a date last week, our first date since things got . . .weird. I was super nervous for the date because while we'd been texting and had talked on the phone, I didn't know how it would be to be together again since we were both feeling somewhat reserved about things.

But I needn't have worried because once we met up, things were awesome. We really do get along great and the night was easy and fun and relaxing and uplifting all at once.

We went to a movie and we laughed before the movie started and we leaned up against each other in that way that makes your stomach flutter and he walked me home and we held hands and it just felt nice. Nice and good and right.

He came in and we talked for a while and when it was time for him to go, he gave me a hug and said "we'll chat soon" and something felt off.

I know people say that you shouldn't overreact to things when guys say things like that because it just literally means we will chat soon, but this is the same guy who when we first met was asking at the end of one date if he could see me tomorrow. And this is the same guy who before he took a week to "think things over" was texting me multiple times a day to ask me things or find out how my day was going or to tell me he wishes he was cuddled up with me on my couch or to tell me that he thinks I'm smart and interesting and he's looking forward to spending more time with me.

So for him to say that we'd "chat soon" felt weird.

But I tried just to let it go and see what happened.

And what happened was that he was busy that weekend and his phone died while he was up Island and I know these things happen but I also know if you really want to contact someone and can't stop thinking about them, you find a way to say hi.

I asked him to call me the Monday of that weekend and he did and we had a great talk and sorted things out. He admitted that he sometimes goes M.I.A. and that he knows that's not fair and I said that if he needed to do that that was fine, just to let me know. Or just to check in and say hi. I told him I could tell he was kind of freaking out about being in a relationship again (he'd mentioned it in a previous conversation) and he said that yes, he was, but that it was something he was working through.

We made plans to see each other on Thursday, which was the first evening we both had free that week.

We chatted a bit via text throughout the week and then on Thursday I didn't hear from him until just about 6 o'clock.

I think I knew by then that things weren't going the way I'd want them to, but I still was surprised by the phone call.

To make a short story short, he told me that he's not ready to be in a relationship. Blah blah blah last girlfriend blah blah blah too soon, blah blah blah every time he thinks about getting back into a relationship it's just an awful feeling he just can't do it.

It's not about me, I'm awesome and he loves spending time with me, but he just can't do it.

To which I listened and said "uh huh" when appropriate, thanked him for being honest and wished him well.

And then I hung up the phone and cried.

I cried because I think we had a ton of potential together. It has been so so so long since I've clicked and connected with a guy so well. It was easy and fun and really really great hanging out with him and I was looking forward to spending more time with him and us getting to know each other and seeing which of his faults I was willing to overlook and which might be deal breakers in the long run.

So I cried over the loss of potential and the loss of a good, smart, fun, good looking guy.

And then I cried for a while over my insecurities.

I cried over "maybe I'll never find anyone" or "maybe no one will ever really love me" and "maybe that's the best I'll ever find and now I'll have to take something not as good."

And I cried a fair bit over the fact that no matter how nice a guy tries to be it always hurts to be rejected.

I understand the line "it's not you it's me" is supposed to be kind and empowering, but it's really not. Because the truth of it is, if I was the right girl for you, or if I was an amazing girl and you couldn't be without me? It wouldn't matter if you "didn't want to be in a relationship" or whatever other excuse guys use.

"It's not you, it's me" is only true to an extent. Because when you're with a woman you can't resist, you'll fight through blazing piles of shit to be with her. And you'll get over whatever issue or insecurity or problem you have.

So while I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me sooner rather than later, and I'm supposed to appreciate that he was honest and I'm supposed to appreciate that he told me rather than just disappearing, I'm still totally hurt and saddened and feeling pretty low.

And to be honest? I'm also pretty pissed.

I'm mad at myself for not just walking away when my guts and instinct told me things weren't going to work. I'm mad that I stuck around when really? If you have to THINK about if you want to be with me or not? You obviously don't. And I'm mad that the part of me that's strong didn't kick him to the curb then.

But I try not to be too mad at myself, because I do like that part of me that's hopeful and optimistic and that gives people the benefit of the doubt.

So I'm also mad at him.

Mad because I don't think it's fair to put yourself out on a dating site, and to start dating someone and start opening up to them if you've got that niggling feeling a relationship isn't something you're ready to handle. And I'm mad that he wasn't man enough to fight through it because, as I've said, I think we could have had something pretty great.

Or at least something fun and happy for a while.

And I'm also a little embarrassed.

I feel embarrassed that I told so many people. That I got so happy and excited about something that didn't amount to more than 5 dates and a few weird weeks.

I feel, somehow, stupid. And embarrassed.

I wish Chad and I could have stayed in what we had in those first few days for another couple of weeks.

I wish Chad and I hadn't had the weirdness that maybe I started, but that he certainly continued.

I wish, now that it's over, that we hadn't connected so well, because how am I supposed to meet someone new and not compare them to the wonderful, fun, friendly, easy, amazing connection we had.

And I think I wish I hadn't found him so attractive. Because now I feel like I've lost out and it's all too easy to fall back onto blaming myself.

But there you go.

I wish I could say it was fun while it lasted, but only some of it was. The worrying and wondering wasn't, although it did give me a lot to write about. I'd hoped that Chad would be around to be a cheering, happy distraction during the stress of my move and the stress that I think is going to be coming my way at work soon. And I had hoped that we could do things together and that I'd have a cuddle partner and, after a while, someone to share my bed with again.

I didn't tell you about this the day it happened because it was too raw (as some of my girlfriends can attest.) I stayed home for a day somewhere in there and didn't talk to anyone. No texts, no phone calls, barely an email, and that helped. It let me feel miserable and move through it.

Which I did and am now feeling better for.

It's been about five days now since he called me (right before our date, might I add) and the sting isn't quite as fierce. I'm still feeling a little embarrassed and I'm still sad and battling the mean thoughts, but I'm fine and I'm coping and sooner or later I'll feel good and happy again.

But there you go.

Don't really know how to end this post. I wish things hadn't turned out the way they have.

(Insert uplifting, inspirational thought here)