Happy Boo Day

If you have children, I hope they get enough candy today that you can sneak some for yourself without them noticing!

If you don't have children... I hope you bought yourself some and are happily, guilt-free-ly eating it.

If you enjoy dressing up, I hope your costume makes you and others very happy, and if you don't enjoy dressing up, I hope you see some costumes today that make you smile.

I still remember the year I deliberately peed my pants while trick or treating.  I was of whatever age that I was only allowed to trick or treat our one (rather long) road.  We were near the end of one side of the road and I really had to piddle and I was pretty sure that if I told my parent (one would come with, the other would stay home to hand out candy to the other kids) that I needed to go home to pee, they'd just call it a night.  (I mean, even as an adult now, I'd be like, sorry kid, we're high tailing it back home so you can pee and then I'm not hiking all the way back down the street!  Actually.. I should ask my parents what they would have done... it just occurred to me that they might have known the street neighbours enough to ask to use their bathroom, d'oh! HA!)  Anyway.  So because I didn't want to lose out on a whole lot of candy I just... held it until I coudln't hold it anymore and then I sort of kid logic-ed it out that my costume was "thick" enough, or it was dark enough or some combo of both that if I peed my pants no one would notice.  I remember thinking at the time that it was so cool it froze, and maybe it did, or maybe my kid imagination just turned "really cold pants, now wet" into "SO COLD IT FROZE!" I dunno.  But yeah... candy over pee, y'all!  I chose the candy.  Worth it!

Anyone else remember those silver bags of sunflower seeds?  Or the two packs of Chicklets?  I miss those.  Halloween candy today seems a bit blander than I remember... although I can still down a few "snack/fun" sized treats in a row if need be!

No Advice From A .... Me

I will not give anyone advice about anxiety.

I don't mean here, although yes, not here.  I mean anywhere.  I am willing to answer questions and share what worked for me, but I will not tell anyone that X or Y or W will work for them.  Because it might not.

I received a lot of help in my early days from friends I trusted and knew had anxiety disorders in talking about certain medications and things that worked for them.  (I'm referring to non prescription medications and so will not give any advice other than work with YOUR doctors and health care providers.)  But I did not blindly follow anyone's advice... I figured things out on my own.

What worked or works for me may not work for anyone else.  If I find help in (thinks of something bizarre...) chewing on tennis balls (no idea where that came from!) I'm not going to insist that that is a cure for anxiety, I will just say that it helped me. (Note:  I haven't... so it didn't!  I can't even imagine! Ow!)

A friend of mine (who is aware of what's going on for me... kinda) called me the other day because their partner has been having panic attacks and doesn't want to go back on the medication they used to take.  My friend asked me about the things I take/use/do and I explained why and how and all that, but again, I did not say "your partner SHOULD try"... at most I said "they might want to give it a go?" because the things I find helpful are fairly benign. 

I may have spoken about this here already, but the traditional medications that are generally prescribed for anxiety disorders, and a few others that are less traditional did not work for me.  The side effects were too.... awful (sorry, being really honest... so so so awful) for me.  But I won't write them off for anyone else.  Because for others they are necessary.  And life saving.  And effective.  And for others the side effects may be minimal, or not noticeable.  They did not work for me.  And for now, we'll just leave it at that.  (Maybe more another day...)

If you, or someone you know is struggling with mental health, talk to someone.  A doctor.  A counsellor (highly highly recommended).  A health care practitioner.  Get help and support.  It doesn't have to be awful.  It's not going to be easy instantly or anything, but it can get better.  I'm just not going to give you any advice as to how.  I'm just going to talk about me and my experiences.  Your mileage will (almost certainly) vary.

'Ziety

Anniversaries are... things.

Reminders of.  Things.  Times.  People.  Events.

It's dark out early these days and this weekend will make it worse.  I'm hoping we only have so many more years of this time change thing coming.

That above mini paragraph is brought to you by the fact that I'm writing this from my couch and it's dark out, even though it's not late.  Which sucks.  But, really, not related at all to anniversaries.... I digressed greatly.  Apologies.

Three years ago my life changed.  I would say "significantly" but I'm still in the same apartment, with the same people in my life more or less (and by "less" I mean less frequently) but my INNER life changed [insert eyecatching word here.... dramatcially/significantly/etc].

I can see now, even by just reading posts from three years and a few months ago, that I was struggling to keep increasingly bad anxiety at bay.  I was re-reading a post last night that talked about a really bad weekend and as I read it I recognized what I now know are the tell tale signs and symptoms of a panic attack.  But I had no idea at the time.

I know I've half talked about it here now and then but the anxiety that invaded my life so completely three years ago was new to me.  It was very very different from worry or the "normal" anxious type things we all (I assume) know in our life.  And it became, about three years ago this week, unmanageable.

And then Max dumped me.

I wonder now, re-reading the "bad weekend" post if the "red flags" he spoke about means he had someone in his life previously (perhaps his wife?) who had an anxiety disorder and it felt similar to him where I was at and he didn't want to go through "all that" again.  I dunno, I'm guessing here, but having now dealt with panic and major anxiety disorders myself and as a friend, it's not easy.

I know I say this with most un-healthy things, but I really wouldn't wish an anxiety disorder on anyone.  I don't, to be honest, even know if that's the correct term or anything.  I'm no expert.  But it sucks... to put it mildly, and I wouldn't want anyone, even someone I disliked, to have to go through feeling like this.

I'm not where I was three years ago, thankfully.  And I'm not sure I'm even where I was six months ago.  Things are still not easy, and I am often very drained by the work I'm putting in, but I can see where things are different.  Maybe it's my response to something, or the length of time I'm "stuck" or even the access I have to things that help.

I still haven't been open with many people about what's going on.  A close friend or two... my family... practitioners and health workers certainly, but not co-workers or the like.  I'm not entirely sure why I don't want to talk much about it, but in part it's not wanting to be (wrongly?) judged... not wanting to be treated differently.  Perhaps not wanting to seem... weak?  Carrying as I do, that ingrained stigma about mental health from the old school world.... just "toughen up".  Man... I wish.

So people know I'm not well.  Maybe they've even guessed.  I don't know.

It took me almost two years to tell my parents and I really only told them because they were really worried about me and I figured they were probably making up stories far worse than what was actually going on.  (i.e. social anxiety and panic attacks vs heroin addiction and slave trade or whatever parents worry about)  It's not been easy, telling them, as they're very worried and wanting to help and there's really not much help to be had from them.  It's also hard because it's a bit foreign to them.

My Mom had some menopause-hormone-based panic attacks and, to quote her, "learned the proper breathing techniques and they're gone."  And my Dad is a very... flat person and "this kind of thing" really really baffles him.

I think about a fight we had in the months before I let them know what was going on.  My brother and co and my parents and I were down at the beach and we were all going to go (in our separate vehicles) to lunch somewhere.  I wasn't clear where this was.  So I asked.  And then my brother said one thing and my Dad said another and I started having a little (ha) panic attack and so I tried to stay (kind of) calm and asked for clarification where we were going and when and how long until people got there (sometimes people with anxiety will seem controlling, which perhaps this did, but to me I was freaking out, literally, that things were going to go extremely badly because I didn't know what was happening... no, it doesn't have to make sense...it just is) Well, my Dad got angry.  Yelled at me that he had already told me where, and I, of course, didn't find that easy to handle, so said I would just head home, which made him even angrier.

My brother came over to ask "what the hell" had just happened and I explained that I wasn't clear (I think my brother knew what was going on with me at this point) and so had asked and that Dad's reaction had been what it was.  We all ended up at lunch and I calmed down eventually.  Wasn't the best of afternoons, that's for sure, and I heard about it for a while after too.  (sigh)

I'm not saying that now that my parents are aware I have struggles with serious anxiety that they're fully understanding, but they to seem a tiny bit more understanding.  Or maybe I just pretend that.

So even with that... telling people doesn't always make things easier.  My parents really really want me to be "better", pretty much as soon as possible.  And that's not really something I can just snap my fingers and make happen.

But here I am... three years to the week of Max ending things and my inner life going to [bleep.]

Max, according to the things I see on social media, has a new girlfriend now.  *shrug*  I think about him at this time of year due to the anniversary of it... but this isn't really about him.

This year, right now, also marks a really difficult anniversary for Jason.  A year ago, Jason had a significant breakup, one that he did not see coming and one that threw him for a loop... to put it mildly.

I spent a lot of my time last year, for most of the year trying my best to support Jason through everything he went through with his breakup and life falling apart around it.  So this is also an anniversary for him.  And me.  It was hell, to be honest.

So as we head into the darker months, metaphorically and literally, I'm hoping to get myself back into the habit of self-therapy through my blogging.  I won't be doing NaNoWriMo.... that never worked out too well for me and I have other priorities right now, but I am going to be trying to write more.  And more openly and honestly.  To help myself be more me again.  This has been an exhausting few years and I want so much more peace and calm in my life than I've had to date.

Stressy I Guessy

Woke up with a headache this morning which makes the teeth bad dream make more sense... I've got to be grinding/clenching my teeth at night.  Well duh.

I've done it for a long time, maybe ever, and I wear something at night to protect my teeth but I guess the stress has been getting to me at night.  Waking up with a headache isn't the most fun and yeah, it's a jaw tension thing.  And sleep's supposed to be the relaxing time!

Crap

It was dark.. well, ok, dusky, at 5pm yesterday.  And that's before the frigging time change happens.

Ugh.

Make it stop?  Pretty please?  I can handle it being dusk at 5 if I have to... why make it dusk at 4?  *whine*

Fatigued

Guys, I am so so emotionally drained by the news coming out of Canada's Southernly neighbour.

I wonder if those of you who live outside of North America are equally exhausted by it all or if you have a break from the rhetoric with your distance...

I can't engage.  That doesn't mean I don't read or pay attention, it just means for my own sanity, I have to stay somewhat disengaged by it all.  Because there is so much.  And it is so... not good.  I know the news has its bias and incites certain feelings to bring the reader/viewership in but I am so exhausted by the back and forth and the dual sided hate and anger.

I sometimes wonder if it's because I joined Facebook recently (within the last.... four? years) and have a number of Americans in my feed... maybe it's always been like this and I just never saw it?

But it seems from those I speak to that it's not always been like this.

And no, I don't want to have a political discussion.  I do not want to talk about what's going on, or not going on or any of it.  I just want some peace.  And I don't see that happening any time soon.

But man oh man I am tired of other peoples' drama.

Sleepy

Am super tired after a few nights of disturbed sleep.

One night with dreams of guns I had to clean up.  Without knowing anything about guns or if they were loaded or not.

Another with my Dad and I moving the bodies and one exploding when we put it down.  But like not explosion exploding but er... gross dead body exploding. Ew.

Then last night it was my teeth cracking and falling out.  And I already (in the dream) had lost a number of teeth but man I hate the teeth dreams.  Even more so now that I had a friend crack a tooth while we were eating pizza.  GAH!  THE DREAMS ARE REAL????

Sigh.

Brains be doing what they do.  I'd just like a solid sleep myself!

Sorry!

Apparently I got my city punished today (with fog and rain) by writing about the lovely sunshine.  Sorry!

The Change

The last few weeks have been absolutely lovely in terms of our weather.  Bright, warm days... chilly in morning and night, sure, but warm during the day.  Some fog, but really, it's been a lovely month.

It's just hard to fully enjoy it when you hear of unusual weather in other places too.  Early snow here, wicked storms there.  And yes, we're bathing in our warm sunlight, but... is it normal?

Sure, it "feels like Fall" but... it also feels like "September Fall" rather than the end of October...

I'm not sure people are really aware of how odd our weather is behaving.  And I'm not sure when it gets bad enough that everyone REALLY notices if there will be much left to be done.

I don't want to be fatalistic, I'm just.... this is scary... and that's from someone who loves weather... but tries to not think too too much about the change we've made happen to our world.  For my own sanity. 

So while I'm loving this sunshine, oh so much... I'm also nervous of it.  And everything else people are noticing around the world.

Wow

We had an election this weekend... the municipal kind... mayor, school board, that sort of thing.

This was the first time since I became old enough to vote that I really wasn't into it.  I think because of the non stop awfulness coming out of politics these days (especially from our neighbour) I just don't want anything to do with politics at all.

This year was the first time I had that thought of "it doesn't matter anyway" which is an entirely disheartening and depressing thought/feeling.  But, I went and voted.  People in other countries are literally dying for the right to vote... and I just didn't feel like it.  Screw that.  I'm so lucky to live where I do and to have the freedoms I do.  I can suck it up and stand in a line to vote.

Which I did.  Stand in a line, that is.  It's always uplifting to vote... to see so many others out engaging.  To see what it's like to be able to vote, easily.  To try to have a say. 

I could grumble about the new voting machines they used this time and how slow they seemed to be but I'm sure others have done that already, and I'm sure the election folks will be looking at how to change/fix that. 

I wish, however, that I had happier news about the voting that happened.  I don't mean the results... they are what they are.  I mean the unofficial numbers I've seen of how many folks DIDN'T vote. 

I will say, again, the numbers I saw are unofficial at this point but one district (area, whatever) not too too far from where I live, of  over 15,000 eligible voters, 5,000 voted.  FIVE THOUSAND.  Out of FIFTEEN.  I am stunned.  I am horrified.  I am embarrassed.  I am so so disappointed and upset.

We could debate endlessly about why the numbers of eligible voters who voted were so low and we'd probably be right with all our reasons.  But I can't help but feel like some of it is that we live in a place where things are fine, they really are... and a slightly different version of fine may not be worth an hour of someone's time on a Saturday.  I dunno. 

I'm just stunned.  And even more so because voting stations were so busy all day Saturday.  I really thought it was a significant turnout...

But, then again, I wasn't driving around the district I mentioned above.  Where I voted, seems about half of eligible voters did vote... so maybe that's why it was always busy and active around me.

Sigh.

I'm just disappointed and surprised that so many people chose to not vote.  I hope they know how lucky they are. 

So Tired

Last night I got woken up twice.  Ugh.

Once by a presumably drunk woman yelling at her boyfriend.  Something about it taking twenty minutes to get there if he didn't give her a ride.  I dunno.  It went on for a while and then a vehicle started up so I'm assuming it all worked out for her. 

Then by what I'm going to assume was a moth.

Fast asleep, middle of the night and something big enough to wake me up was flailing itself against my window.  I'm trying not to think too much about how big it must have been to wake me from sleep.

I thought of dealing with it but figure it'd find its way back to wherever so I put in earplugs and went back to sleep.

But damn I'm exhausted this morning.  No more yelling or moths please!

Oh Gosh

I seem to be having one of those days where thing electronic and digital are just... not... working.

I'm assuming this post will post, but if it doesn't no one will notice (except hopefully me!) but yeah, I'm almost afraid to touch anything else.

That, or I should just go find a cave to live in for a couple of days.

I don't think it's me... I mean, youtube went down the other day and I wasn't even on it at the time, so....

But yeah, trying not to get frustrated and trying not to get locked out of anything or make anything worse!

P.S.  It's not Friday, even though I woke up convinced it was.  Just FYI.

Today

So the big talk around these parts today is that Canada legalized marijuana.

I have a lot of thoughts about it.... I think, but most of them I'll keep to myself.  It's still not an easy topic, or one I really know what to do with.

I will say that the weeks leading up to this have been surprisingly emotional for me.  I got a couple of mail-outs from the Government letting me know... whatever it is they think I should know and I cried.  It was unexpected, but there was just this thought that never in my lifetime did I think it would be anything less than criminal.  And that it's kind of a big deal.

Which it is... but not really for most people I know.

I mean, I sat and thought about it last night.  Who in my life will have their life drastically changed by this?  And I can't really think of anyone.  Sure, I might have some friends who don't really smoke it because they didn't know where to get it (read: back alley behind the arcade, like I think my parents used to think was the only way one could acquire it... the horrors!) and now they might, like picking up some wine, pick up a bit.  Except, we're not really sure yet where that might be.  Or, at least I'm not because again... not really paying too much attention to the details. 

But the comparison I just made above to picking some up like picking up some wine isn't quite accurate.  Because it's not alcohol.  Not that I'm that big of a fan of alcohol either but...

I think also the fact that medical marijuana has been legal for a while and then this last year or so since the full (recreational) legalization was announced it's just sort of not as huge a deal.  At least not here.  Probably still is in some places/cities/provinces.  But here, in BC?  I feel like there is generally a sense of "what will it actually look like?  could it be bad?" combined with "oh, it wasn't already ok?"  I dunno... y'all.... it's weird.

Anyway... as you see, I don't really know what all I think.  And I'm not sure how, or if, it will impact my life.  Except for probably the media talking about it non stop for a while.

But yeah, there you go.  Something that all my life has been illegal and "bad" no longer is.

It's kind of a weird feeling.

Yay I guess?

You Wha?

I can't tell you how many times today (Tuesday) I thought it was Wednesday. 

Even after waking up and thinking it was Monday. 

You know?

Sigh

So it's Sunday morning (as of the time of me typing this... not as of the time of posting or you reading it... but you knew that, I think...) It's Sunday morning and I'm trying to write.  Well, I suppose technically I am actually writing.... so... I guess I should say I'm trying to write something more than just a babble.  So far no luck.  (Just a babble is what you're reading, hi.)

I'm not in a good mood.  Which makes me not want to talk.  I haven't woken up in a good mood in weeks.  Two, to be precise.  I'm not saying I wake up grumpy, that's most mornings... I mean I wake up and as soon as my brain realizes we're no longer asleep the anxiety and worry and fear and terror kicks in.

I'm usually (usually) able to slow it or put it aside to start my day but it really is a horrible way to wake up. It's a horrible way to have a day start... nevermind two weeks of it.  With no end in sight.

As in.. the things I'm stressing so highly over?  I don't see them changing or ending or getting "better", so it's on to me to try to change how I feel or react to them. 

Which brings me back to right now.  I'm grumpy.  Because I woke up from a fairly ok sleep and was hit within moments with panic.  Can't go back to sleep... don't feel motivated to do.... anything.  Hence grumpy. 

Hopefully it'll wear off a bit as the morning goes on.  Bad moods are not my fave.  At all.

Oh Man...

I'm sorry y'all.  I know I've been far less than anywhere near consistent here of late.  Or for a while, really.  It's partly habit, or lack thereof, but it's mainly just life.  My life.  And not knowing where to start.  Or what to say.

This month, so far, has been kicking my butt.  Significantly so.

Which is almost funny to say after the last couple of years. 

Rumour has it I'm coping and pretty well at that, but it does not feel anywhere or anything like that.  Not at all.

I could use a break.  Most especially a positive financial one, but relying on a lottery win is not really a solid game plan.  You know?

I'm trying to get myself back to the writing routine I used to have but even on the days when I try I often am stumped as to what I might say.  Or what I feel I can say.  And then some days I'm just too upset/stressed/out of it to write.  And yeah, some days I just need to give myself a break.

But hey, they're going to mess with the daylight thing again soon eh?  That should give me at least the usual complaining to do.

So... yay?

Except... no.  Can we already vote that thing away?

Brrrr

As much as I love snow, I'm sitting here rocking back and forth in my corner, safe and warm and dry being thankful I don't live in the parts of this country that just had a massive dump of snow!

Thank you Victoria, thank you!  The days may get dreary but... I at least can drive and walk and travel around town without shoveling and sliding and dealing with snow!  D'oh!

Nope

Well, I really thought things would turn around the last few days and, well, they didn't.  I'd laugh about it but I've spent the entire weekend fighting pretty intense panic attacks, so I'm not really at the joke about it phase.

Trying to eat and keep my water intake up but stomach isn't really working with me on that but I'm doing the best I can.

It's October now, which is... crazy, so here's to the Halloween madness taking full effect.

And the rain.  And leaves.  And all that stuff.