Sigh. (A Common Post Title)

I continue to have a rough go of things.  I don't want to be one of those people who say "it's this time of year" but maybe it's this time of year?

It was two years ago that Max ended things and my life went very much sideways (and still has not re...straightened.)  I mention that because yesterday Max followed a social media (photography) account of mine so he popped back into my head.  Sigh.  *I* personally think it was just a co-incidence, but Jason's suggesting it's got some kind of bigger meaning.

Nope.  I think he came across photos, followed the account, not knowing it was mine.

Nothing else makes sense, and no, I don't want him back anywhere near my life right now thank you very much.  No one for that matter.  I want no one particularly anywhere near my life right now.

And I was watching an episode of "Transparent" (this is a TOTAL aside) and they used songs from "Jesus Christ Superstar" (the musical) and now they are FULLY stuck in my head.  Like... fully.  So totally fully.

Sigh.

Boo

I'm disappointed by this post because it means that nice, satisfying number of posts I had yesterday no longer exists.

3310 isn't too bad to look at but still.

And hey, it's always fun to make a post out of absolutely nothing!

(PS  "Everyone" had bacon for breakfast yesterday... in their own homes or out for breakfast and I didn't and I'm still pouting about it.  The end)

(Double PS  That's a screen shot.  It looks... funny to me...)

Adjusting

After this last week, I will be adjusting (as best I can) my grocery shopping times to best avoid the frenzied shoppers that are already (claustrophobic-ly) all over the (damn) place.

Srsly.

That there was some madness this week!

Wordless

I find myself wordless again this evening (it's Tuesday night as I write this) after an unexpected emotional hit that left me in tears and empty of other thoughts.

I sometimes wish I could cry more, even if that's a strange thing to say, because there are some times when a cry that's that deep and honest can really make you feel a lot better.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

Weather or Not

I think most of us here have adjusted to the "new weather normal" of... well, this weird version of Fall we seem to be having.

Sure, it doesn't feel like snow's coming anymore and we're back to the rains we're used to but it still feels that much colder than we're used to for now.  You know?

Environment Canada still seems to miss more often than not with their Weather Warnings.. predicting storms and things that seem to slip past us.  I don't know.

Weather's weird.  We all know this.  I mean, I was driving home from a friend's the other night and it had been bucketing rain down all evening.  Wind and rain and a serious Autumn night.

By the time I got home (a little over a ten minute drive away, not far at all) it was barely dripping.

So was there just a cloud hovering over my friend's house, cartoon style or what?

Le sigh.

I love weather.  But I sure don't understand it.  And I'm not sure years of study would change that all that much!

Oh, Y'all?

I'm not doing so well.  Or great.  Or... whatever.  I'm just not.

I'm not saying this to worry anyone, but even saying that is, ironically part of the problem (my over-arching, unhealthy "need"/desire to protect everyone from everything... including my perceived... self?)

I don't think there's any great need for worry on your part... (as in, I'm not at any great risk of immediate death sort of thing) but yeah, I feel like all aspects of my life, health, self, etc. are in a really un-good spot.

Sigh.

It's been a rough couple of years.  As I've sort of alluded to here and there.  But this last month has been beyond whatever level of difficulty I was already dealing with.

Part of that is my stuff, part of that is the struggles of Jason.. who has been a solid friend and touchstone (or whatever we call that kind of person) for me through these struggles of mine.

I can't/won't speak of what's going on for him as it's not my place to do so, but it's hard on him in a way I'm trying to support him through, but it's taking a toll.  (No, that doesn't make sense but I'm at a loss as to what to say here... you know?  Not my story to tell.)

So yeah, I'm not doing well, and I don't even like saying that "out loud."

Sigh.

I WUV YOU!!!!!

Hi all,
Just discovered Yahoo hasn't been notifying me of comments for several months, so I may have missed a bunch of your comments!
I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't know. Sorry!

*runs off to read stuff*

Seriously!

I'm not a violent person but I really want to punch out the Time Change.

Or, you know, maybe find someone to punch it out for me cuz I don't know how to punch and would rather not accidentally break my hand or knuckles or something.

I JUST WANT A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND NOT TO BE HUNGRY AT THE "WRONG" TIME AND HAVE IT BE DARK AT NOON-O'CLOCK!!!! GAH!

*sigh*

Ouch Times Two...

There's a great difficulty for me in watching someone I care about going through something I know I do myself and wanting to guide them and help them and support them but then seeing their actions as a mirror of mine and feeling somewhat helpless to help myself.

That's not really a completely straightforward statement I know but I'm frustrated for myself while hurting for and concerned about my friend.

It's kind of a brutal double whammy, you know?

Deep Breaths

Because I don't like politics or political debates, I'm turning off comments just as a precaution (although I trust you all, I do not trust the internet.)

I feel terrified by the seeming inability of some people (seemingly an entire neighbouring country) to sway from their point of view.

The absolute resolve some (many???) seem to have in the rightness of their thoughts/beliefs/viewpoints is making what are difficult situations more and more dangerous.

I am perhaps on an extreme in that I always try to see the other side.  It is incredibly hard on me and frustrating and tiring, but I think it's important.  In debating, we were taught to learn/guess/research what the other side would likely be thinking/presenting in order to better hone your arguments against them.  I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about understanding *why* people feel they do.  I think it's vitally important, especially right now in these times that seem to feel so surreal and upsetting.

I am a judgmental person.  And my acknowledgement of that means I am open to learning I may not be right.  I am working on it.  But I still always, always, try to *feel* where the other person may be coming from.

It is scaring me that so so many others are not.

And it feels like "social media" makes things that much worse.

I just want us all to be ok.  As best we can.

And I don't know what to do about it all.

It's overwhelming in scope, you know?

Happy....Winter???

I know we don't all live in the same part of the world (or even country!) but those of us who live in this little town are all sitting here rather shocked.  We seem to have skipped Autumn.

I don't mean that the leaves aren't changing, falling, and piling up, they are... I mean that the temperatures went from Summer to a day or two of Autumn and then BAM!  Cold!  (Accompanied by SNOW!) and now it's just Winter.  Cold.  Unseasonably so.  Feels like we skipped three months ahead.  And no, it's not just me.  I've heard the same thing from friends and strangers, un-prompted.  Its... odd.

I didn't even go through my transitional blanket phase.  I went from kicking off covers to needing both heavy blankets and the windows all but shut.  Zero to effing cold in less than sixty seconds.  (or hours, you know what I mean!)

Stuck In The Middle With You

Often when I have something "big" or heavy I want to talk about here, I start the post in my head.  Sometimes I fall asleep "talking" it to myself and wake up frustrated in the morning when it's gone.

Sometimes I hear it in my mind and then sit to type it out and it slips away.  Sometimes I get too scared of possible bad outcomes if I post so I hold myself back.

Lately, it's been a combo of both.  For more reasons than I care to mention. 

But the things I want (but am scared) to say always start with "two years ago"...

I've even tried to go back in archives to scan but damn if back searching a blog isn't annoying.  (I have a hard hate on for the reverse posting in archives... I'm sure there's a way to change/fix it but meh.  Meh I say, meh!)

But looking back at two years ago now-ish, I did talk about things.  Maybe not at the level of intensity I was feeling, but I did.  And I also have to be honest that I don't like re-hashing it but I did an odd combination of shutting down my writing while still semi writing and it's been weird and so this place has sort of dried up.  At least in terms of me getting out my biggest thoughts; my too big thoughts.

So thank you again for sticking in this middle ground with me.  Thanks for gently encouraging and "holding the space" for me to be as I am as best I can in this digital social no-real-privacy world.  I'm working on it.  That may not mean I get there, but I am.

I'm writing in my head... even if it's only the first line.

*Waves*

A well needed, if sombre-occasioned long weekend.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Oh And?

I may have been bitten by a magic mosquito.  I just realized it.

Probably explains the magic paper cut ability though.

Because, really, how the bleep is there a mosquito around to bite me after the cold snap we had this weekend that included snow?  HOW?

Magic... that's how.

Peter Parker ain't got nothing on me!

(Sigh.  He's actually way cooler....)

Ladies And Gentlemen...

I would like to announce that I am magic.  Yes, it's true.

The proof, you ask?  Well, I got a papercut without touching any paper.

In fact.  I have no idea where or when I might have acquired the papercut so, therefore, I AM MAGIC!!!!! *waves hands around*

The lineup for autographs starts over there.

*Takes a bow*

Don't Try It At Home

So I inadvertently tried something new with the daylight savings fiasco this weekend... I didn't sleep.

Like, no, not one of those "I had a bad sleep but am going to say I didn't sleep" nights, I literally didn't sleep.

Long story as to why, but it was 8am (so actually 9am) the Sunday morning before I even was even able to attempt to close my eyes, and well, yeah no.

Because I didn't do it on purpose, I was somewhat hopeful that it would be this magic re-set and that the next day I'd have reverse jet-lagged myself out of the time-change weirdness but no. 

So, don't try it at home, I'm letting you know I'm still disoriented and on top of that I'm way behind in sleep.

*crosses that off the list of "things to try next time to make it suck less"*

Dear All,

We are now in the twilight zone of "what time is it?" and "why is it so dark/why am I this hungry?"  I have high hopes that this blog may continue to speak of things other than the evils and horrors of the time change, but if the past has taught us anything, it is that the author of this blog is utterly unable to transition during the time changes without whining about it mentioning it.

We hope you can bear through these trying times and that regularly scheduled blogging will resume as soon as we figure out how to re-set the travel alarm in the closet and get used to it not being light at the end of the day.

Thank you for your patience,
Management

IT SNOWED

IT SNOWED!!!!!!!!