Blip

Well I hope you are enjoying this period of time between the holidays and the holiday of New Year and I have no idea if you have some down time or vacation time or are working or some combination of all of these but I hope you're enjoying something and again, all the best for the coming year!

Hey

Happy Holidays guys, I'll be back in a few days (or so) once the dust has settled a bit and the madness is a little more forgiving!  (I've walked out of a couple of stores this week.... nothing I need that intensely you know?)

Sending you and your loved ones all the best for the holidays and the New Year.  Big big hugs and lots of love!

Bright

Oh man.... it turned out sunny and beautiful yesterday and having a bright day like that made SUCH a difference.  To me anyway.

I know I'm not the only one but sunny days, especially after a lot of dark dreary days make me happy and lighter.  I often wonder about folks who live in predominantly light/bright places and if they don't feel the same or just don't notice? 

I have been (I think I mentioned?) using my S.A.D light (bright light thing?) but it still doesn't compare to having an entire day or chunk of a day under sunshine and blue skies.  Happy sigh.

I guess we're in the homestretch here, eh?  The last few days before the mini break before the New Year stuff and then... well, then we're allowed to relax from the break.... know what I mean?

But yeah, that sunshine sure made me happy.

Sigh Of Relief

Well, we've made it!  It's Solstice!  The days will start getting longer again and that's the best thing!

I send you warm wishes for Solstice and Winter and for all the holidays you might be celebrating right now (and for Summer for my Southern friends!) 

Light a light tonight, if you want.... make your own brightness in the darkest night of the year.

Hugs.

Today I Learned!

Today I learned that my door chain has been broken for a while, whoops!

I had loaned Jason my car overnight and he was bringing it back and I usually hear him parking and locking the car, but I didn't this time.  But I did hear him at the door, using the key to come in.  Usually when I hear him parking, I'll unlock the deadbolt and the chain thing, but this time I wasn't aware he'd shown up so I heard the key in the door and was like "Wait, wait, the chain!" and as I was running towards the door, the door opened and the chain fell out and I went "What???"

So, laughing, I said, well hi there, I guess I'm not as safe as I thought I was, and I tried putting the chain in and opening the door and POP, out it came again.  Oh dear!  Because, see, while I don't really expect burgalars to have a key, there have been times I've been, say, in the bath or something and someone (usually a tipsy upstairs neighbour) has tried my door, or the manager lady has come by with a worker and I always think "well, good thing I have the chain so that I can at least call out HANG ON when the chain stops them!"

Well, now... not so much!

I showed it to Jason and he pointed out the broken bit and I said I figured it'd been like that forever but that someone had "fixed" it with these plastic washers and I do remember a year or two ago some of the washers fell out and I just kind of shrugged, but now I realize they were "plugging" the hole and so, whoops!  Door's been less safe for a while!  (Although Jason did point out that any bad person who really wants in will not be stopped by a chain but that's not the point here!!!)

So, for now, I've stuffed the hole/break with an elastic band.  It's not pretty but it technically makes the chain work.  I'll probably just buy a new one or find something more permanent than the elastic band...  I thought last night about clay, like modelling clay or something but I don't really know.  It's more for my brain to feel safe than actual RAWR safety if you know what I mean?

Anyway... double check those safety features you assume work, eh? Better to find out they need fixed before you actually need them.  (Which reminds me, how are your fire extinguishers?!)

Social Non-Norms

I don't like coffee.  I tried to, for a while, but I just don't like it.

And I don't like wine really much either, nor beer.

Those two are less sort of "everyone does it" things but the coffee one?  Yeah, I seem to be an odd person out on that one.

Do you have things that most like that you're not a fan of?  Are you a non coffee person too?

I had a friend in high school who didn't eat sweets.  Because she didn't like them!

I also shower at night and not in the morning. 

Roundup

No, not that kind, the other kind.

The kind that we get bombarded with at this time of year!  And it somehow escaped me that this year was also the end of a decade (go figure) and so the round ups are extra... bigly.

I don't much know what to say about this year, to be frank.  I think I'm better than I was a year ago, health wise... anxiety wise.  My bloodwork tells me I'm about the same as I was a year ago (cholesterol wise), and my aches and pains are... probably the same.  I'd like to be in better physical health, fitter.... that kind of thing, but that's a work in progress and I'm not beating myself up.

In some ways this year was a non-year.  Which is bizarre to say when I think on some of the things I've dealt with.  I had three people I adore deal with life and death illnesses.  But I think what I mean is I got through all of it.  I did ok.  The panic attacks I had were... shorter?  Didn't debilitate me for as long?  Something.  Something felt less.  And that's good.  But I also didn't DO much this year.  It was a sort of a quiet year; hence my saying a "non" year.  It just... was.  And that's ok.

I didn't do much art, hardly any at all.  I changed some of what I eat, but not drastically.  I made changes, but they were slow and gradual rather than overly dramatic and memorable.

I didn't fall in or out of love.  I didn't.... I dunno... stuff?  You know, when people write you those summaries of their family's year in Holiday cards?  I don't much know what I'd write.  Although that could just be my mellow mood at the moment.  Maybe in a few days I'll be like Oh, I should have mentioned this!  Or that!  You know... brains work in funny ways sometimes.

Thanks for being here.  A lot or a little.  Thanks for popping in.  Or checking every day, I dunno.  Hope you're well.  Hope you're looking forward to solstice and the longer days and I hope this month is treating you kindly.

Happy 2019.  And... whatever we called this decade.  Happy that too.

Back To Life...

"Back to reality" is how the rest of the song goes.... but I'm having trouble with reality lately.

I don't mean that in the "I can't figure out what's real" kind of way, I mean that in the "the news and media in general is killing me" kind of way.

I won't get into it, I'll just say that I'm having a really hard time with how things are right now.  With how many of us seem to hate so many others of us.  How there's so much finger pointing and "YOU are what's wrong with EVERYTHING" and just so.  much.  hate.

There seems to be anger everywhere and people yelling and upset after upset and I'm finding it.... upsetting.

And that's putting it mildly.

I'm aware of what's going on in the world, and I'm aware of the biases that are also out there.  I am aware of the shortcomings and failings of media and I try to focus on good things and happy things and all the best of us but it's hard.  And I'm having a hard time with what's going on *waves around* out there.

I know we all deal with things our own way, and I'm not trying to say anything divisive, I just wish we could all be a little kinder, a little gentler, a little more willing to listen and understand and a little more willing to compromise, and to look, listen, observe and not just believe all that's "fed" to us.

I wish I could say it's "just" my anxiety talking and the world's not that miserable.... but...

Yeah.  I'm having a hard time with reality lately.  You know? 

Heyo

Sorry about that... I really did mean to post, and then some days I thought I had when it turns out I was being radio silent without really noticing.  There's a few reasons for that, one being stress, and the other being lack of sleep, which is only partially related to said stress.

But as you know, either from reading here, or (hopefully not) from your own experience, not getting sleep, or not getting solid sleep really messes with things.  My functioning (and mood) especially!

It's funny (but not) because when I mention to counsellor type folks, or doctor type folks, that I'm not sleeping well they often ask why?  And it's probably not for the reasons they expect.  It's not that my brain is worrying or going over things or thinking about future things it's more that my brain isn't shutting off.  Or up.

So it will, like, sing some random verse of some random song over and over or it'll have a conversation with someone or who even knows what, but as tired as I'll be and as quiet as I'll have gotten my mind by reading in bed, the falling asleep portion has been less than ideal lately.

But then my body also got involved.  More specifically my shoulder.  Shoulders. 

If you remember a while ago (year?  two??) my right shoulder was "not working".  Physios and massage people had no real idea why or what.  But after a long while it has sort of semi almost healed.  It's not perfect, but the main issues I had with it are resolved (knock on wood) and much much better.

And now my left shoulder is doing a similar yet different "not working".  Most noticeable with the left shoulder, unfortunately, is that it is seemingly irritated by me lying on it (while asleep) and then trying to roll off of it and so I'm being woken up in the middle of the night by sharp sharp pain.  It sucks.

So the last couple of weeks have been a rough combo of having a hard time falling asleep, and then eventually falling asleep and being woken by unknowingly having slept on my side and the pain of moving jarring me awake.  And on a couple of really rough nights the right shoulder "locked" or something so I was waking up fairly regularly in pain and unable to fall back asleep.  At one point, I rolled over, setting of the pain, and shouted out "COME ON!" because... come on... I need to sleep!!!

It's frustrating that no one seems to have any idea what's going on so treatment isn't really going anywhere.  I'm experimenting myself trying to figure out what helps... stretching?  Not stretching?  Massaging the area?  Leaving it alone?  The other night I took a Robaxacet (muscle relaxant) and that might have helped??? But I also tried a neck brace so was it that?

And that's part of the frustration, is the physio isn't even sure where the issue is.  She thinks it could be from my neck, or the front of my shoulder, or the scapula area or who the heck knows, maybe from my bra?  Sigh.  I just want some good nights' sleeps.

Last night I was even feeling sort of afraid of falling asleep.  See, when my right shoulder went, I taught myself to fall asleep on my left shoulder.  (Seems I fall asleep on my side)  Well, now I'm afraid of sleeping on that left shoulder since it will sometimes (BUT NOT ALWAYS) scream at me for doing so.  So I was trying to fall asleep, and I tried on my left, but there was the thought of "but what if it hurts?  I'll just wake up again, and in pain!  Is it hurting now?" and so the falling asleep portion was even rougher.

I don't even think a sleeping aid (pill) would help right now because of the arm/shoulder/pain situation.  I'm pretty sure it would wake me up no matter how "out" I was, since I've been waking up at who knows what hours.  Sigh.

Oh, and last night the toilet decided to sing me the song of its people and whine three or four times loudly enough to wake me up (as "strange" noises tend to do), so.... yeah... I'm tired.  Extra tired.  In the literal sense, and it's not making me feel the most pleasant of things.

Sigh.

To Take A Breath

My friend who was diagnosed with cancer has just let me know that some of their post surgery results came back with better news rather than the bad news.  (I know that doesn't quite make sense but you can't really say "good" news, so it's like... not bad bad, it's hopefully good and certainly gooder than the worst case... plus I may have had a little drink to celebrate so, whoops, sorry for the not making sense!)

I feel like I can maybe let out a breath that I've apparently been holding for a while now. 

And I'm sure my friend is feeling the same.  They said today that all the sleep they've not been having feels like it's suddenly all arriving at once.

So, keep not taking things for granted, ok? 

Hugs.

I Noticed A Thing

One thing that I have always done at this time of year, no matter how I've felt about the specifics of this time of year, is I've always had a chocolate advent calendar.

You know the ones I mean?  A Christmas-y scene with 24 (or is it 25?  I'd have to get up and look) little doors that you open on each day and there's a little shaped chocolate inside.  It has always been one of my favourite things... just think, a treat every day!  Awesome!

This year though I couldn't find the usual ones.  I could find a lot of pricey ones mind you... twelve to twenty bucks for "fancy" chocolate or even cheeses or other non chocolate things, but I could not find the cheap, barely actually chocolate ones. 

As we got to the end of November, I asked C-Dawg if she'd seen any and she actually texted on the 30th letting me know that one store by the mall had them so I went and got myself some but there were none in any of my regular locations.  The grocery store only had expensive ones.  London Drugs only had expensive ones.  It's almost as if they either sold out in early November, which, I suppose is possible, but I was looking out for them as soon as the Christmas decorations started going up, or as if the stores didn't bring them in this year.

If I knew the company that usually makes them I'd look them up and see but y'all, it was weird!  The ones I did get will suffice, but they're not the ones I'm used to and I'm sort of wondering if anyone else noticed this missing or if it was just me or what on earth it was?

Trying Something New

I started trying intermittent fasting a couple of weeks ago, and it's interesting.

It basically means I'm trying to finish eating for the day around 7:30 pm and then not starting to eat for the day the next day until around 11:30 am.

I've noticed a few interesting things, other than the obvious adjustment discomfort (OMG I'M SO HUNGRY... well, ok that passed... hmmm) period.

I'm not ready to declare this yet, it's still just a few weeks in, but so far, not eating right off in the morning seems to have meant I've not yet had any really bad stomach mornings.  Like I say, it could just be coincidence, but I'm... curious!

I've also adjusted pretty well I think, and I've lost the few extra pounds that had slid on these last stressful couple of months.  The few things I notice are what I'm coming to call "habit eating."  Like, waking up on a Saturday morning and thinking "ahhh, time for tea and a yummy breakfast" and just wanting to sit and relax, and then realizing it'll be a few hours and that's a strange feeling - to know that there are eating "feelings" that aren't actually to do with hunger.  Like, I was over at Jason's the other night, and we watched some show and I got home and wanted cereal.... because that's what I've always done when I get home later at night.  Hmmm.

It's also meant adjusting when I take my "morning" and "evening" meds.  So now I have a backup bottle with me of my "night time" meds (since I'm one of those people who has to chew food to hide the pill in to swallow it and that would technically break the fast) if I'm eating over at Jason's, and I'll have to play it by ear if and when I eat elsewhere or out with friends or what have you, and I'm hoping my body is ok with my morning meds coming a few hours later (they're meds I've been taking since I was a kid, and so I'll check my [thyroid] levels in a few months but right now they're fine) but yeah... I'm really curious to see if this helps my semi-regular "stomach is awful" mornings.  It might not, but we shall see, eh?

It is a little stressful in the evenings to have a cut off time, especially when say Jason is cooking and I'm clock watching and thinking about the number of hours before I will eat again and how I'd like that to not be so late in the "morning" etc etc.  I'm not sure how it will go once I'm more active again in the mornings (more regular schedule) or on days when I have to be somewhere at the time I'm having "breakfast" (break.... fast!) or what about the days Jason and I go for a drive and are on the road from ten til seven... hmmm... things to consider.

I suppose I'll figure these things out and will hopefully be able to give myself leeway when circumstances dictate, but for now, it's interesting, and I can work with it, so I'm giving it a go.  So far no ill side effects that I know of, which is great, and potentially even some positive effects that I'm still watching out for!

Oh and one other thing that might just be co-incidence... I might be less hungry?  Hard to tell cuz I'm having a not so healthy eating week but, yeah... it's... weird, that's for sure!

Twelfth

Wow.  I just had no idea how to type that word.  "12th"  My brain really really wanted to use a V, but then it wasn't right and I just couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be and wow... that was... hard.  To just have a blank like that.  Yikes.

Anyway...

Here was are in the uh... twelfth (not twelvth) month (also how is "twelfth" an actual word omg?)  I swear I'm hardly used to it being this year and now apparently we're at the end of it.

Which, also, for many of us, means a potentially stressful few weeks are either happening or about to happen.  I hope you have an easy month, whatever it brings you.

We're just ending a cold snap here, no snow, but chilly temperatures and my first experience of a frosted over car.

Which is when I discovered my windshield fluid was not winter friendly... as I watched it just re freeze over and over as I tried to clear my windshield!  So, now I have winter friendly stuff in there, which, of course, means it got milder!  You're welcome!

So, anyway, happy December... only about twenty days til the days start getting longer again... we can do this, y'all!  Even if it currently gets dark before dinner... yikes.