Thursday, 20 July 2017

Small Talk

In the continuing saga of "bodies are weird"... which, realistically will probably go on forever...  I was awoken last night by a sore tummy.

It's of note (because it's on my mind for one!) because it didn't come with nausea, nor did it come with any other symptoms (no need to use the toilet, etc.)  My tummy just... hurt.

Ow.

It may have been a little puffy, but I also really didn't want to wake up so it could just have been the normal girth, I dunno. 

My tummy was sore and the sore woke me up but I managed to get back to sleep and when I woke up... nothing was out of the ordinary.

Maybe I just had too many vegetables for dinner or something?

I dunno... bodies are weird and I'm just making small talk here.  Hi.

Wednesday, 19 July 2017

Ooooooohhhhhh!

So my fan has been randomly shutting itself off and I've been wary that it may have... I dunno, died or something?  Internal mechanics wise?

It's a fairly new fan so I was pretty bummed by this, but usually when it shuts off I just wait a few (to let it cool down?) and turn it back on.

My fan "switches" are not quite a touch screen but touch... switches.  And when I went to turn it on yesterday afternoon I heard a few extra beeps, and looked down and noticed I had accidentally turned on the "timer" option.

As in... turn off after a bit of time.

Oh.  OH!

*That's* probably why my fan has been randomly turning itself off; because I told it to!

TA DA!


PS  It also has a couple of other symbols on it that I'm scared to touch in case they're ejector buttons or something....one of them looks like a smiling sleeping person and the other like... fog so... maybe I'll press them and go night night in a fog of... sleep?

Tuesday, 18 July 2017

So Weird

Man.... "human-ing" is weird, eh?

Like, I just found myself sitting here thinking how weird it is to be me.  So.. maybe it's just me, I dunno, but it seems if you get down to talking about it for real with other people... it's weird out there... in there.

If it's not the mental/emotional stuff it's the body stuff.  It's just... weird.

Friday, 14 July 2017

I Don't Want To Say "Stupid", But....

I "un-smarted" myself sick. 

I sat out in a friend's back yard for a couple of hours the other day just chatting away.  Thought to myself "oh, I'll just get a little sun."

After a while I said "you know?  I'm not feeling all that great, I think I should move out of the sun."

So I did.

And later I went home... looked in the mirror and was a little pink.  Oops.  Oh well. 

Until a few hours later when I went to have a shower and I wasn't a little pink anymore, I was red-pink.

Oh no.

Yeah, too much sun.

It was a rough night.... "I'm too cold, blanket!"  "NO, I'M TOO HOT, NO BLANKET!"  "I have to get up and pee because I was hydrating so much, ugh." rinse, repeat.

I felt hungover yesterday and my head was... not... happy either, but I survived and hope to remind myself that the sun isn't what it used to be.  Either that or my skin isn't.

Or both.

And getting too much sun isn't just about the burn anymore... it's now a sucky whole body experience.  Ugh.

So... yeah, that was not smart!  (The pink is pretty much gone now, but the water intake is still happening!)

Wednesday, 12 July 2017

N.B. I Mean Me (Sigh)

Ugh.  My roommate is driving me bonkers.

I go and buy junk food and she eats it all and says "NO MORE BUYING THIS STUFF" and then when *I* want some there's NONE LEFT and so I don't get any!

And then I have to go buy more because it's all gone and, well, before you know it.... the cycle repeats itself.

UGH!

Who is letting her eat all my crap?


Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Airy

It was the Pride parade this Sunday.

I didn't go.  For the first time in many many years, actually.  I could have, easily, by myself or with the friend I usually go with, but I didn't have it in me after the news of Saturday.  I just wanted to sit and be in my hurt.... and that's ok.  Life goes on, love is wonderful.... although it can hurt very much at times.

The thing I noticed though, and started to think about was the weather.  Maybe my memory isn't long enough, but I can't remember the last pride parade we had that had searingly hot/sunny "typical" July weather!

Last year (or was it two ago?) there was orange smoke in the air from nearby forest fires.  Sad to say that while our air quality isn't currently affected, we're dealing with massive forest fires again.  (Par for the summer course it seems.)  And this year it was overcast.  Which is fine for a parade, makes things a little less sweltering, but it just got me thinking... my memories are showing me the last few years as not super hot and sunny.

Go figure.

(It got sunny later in the day but not til long after the parade!)

Monday, 10 July 2017

Go Easy

I am incredibly heavy hearted today.  There was a death on Saturday and it has hit me unexpectedly hard.

It was a fellow I met last year at Burning Man.  We had chatted on and off for a year or so and he was very supportive of my art.  Most often, liking the ones I wasn't fond of. 

There was one in particular that he really really liked, so I took it to him at the burn last year.  Didn't manage to find him the first time I went to his camp so I left the art on his motorized barca-lounger. 

I went back later to make sure he'd found it and got to meet him and his lady.


They were good, solid, salt of the earth people and warm and friendly and I looked forward to seeing them again the next time I made it back to Burning Man.

We talked from time to time online.  He shared some of his struggles with me, and always let me know how my art impacted him.

I found out Saturday morning that he'd gone into hospital a couple of weeks ago... been released and gone back in.  I left him a message of hopeful recovery and found out a few hours later that he had died that morning.

I have no words.  I'm broken by this.

Perhaps thinking of him spending his last two weeks in fear (he was scared, they didn't seem to know what was wrong with him, and he was very very unwell... seemingly suddenly.)  Or seeing the outpouring of shock and love from those who knew him. 

The shock of him being gone when he was one of those people you just sort of expect to always be there.  And then thinking of the time I didn't spend with him because there was "always next year" to catch up.

He was always kind towards me..... in his admiration of my art and his willingness to help me with Burning Man stuff.  He had no reason to be kind to me.  He just was.  The world needs more people like him.

This world is a strange one.  Social media allows us to make connections we otherwise would likely have not.  You become part of someone's life without being directly IN it. 

I don't have much else to say, my eyes are swollen from crying and my soul hurts.

Tell people.  Tell people the positive they are in your life.  Don't wait until they're gone and you're typing it out... they're not here to see that.  Tell that girl at the grocery store you always appreciate her warm smile.  Tell your dental hygienist he always makes your teeth feel great.  Wave to the flagger that snuck you through the line and stopped the traffic after you.  Give a gift card to the guys at the mechanics office who always take good care of your car.  TELL PEOPLE.

Because one day you wake up and they're gone.

Be well my friend.  I'm sorry our time knowing each other was so short.  Burn bright, and I'll see you on the flip side.

Saturday, 8 July 2017

Well, That's No Fun

I woke up the other morning and was already starting to worry.  (It really really sucks when that happens.)  And by "worry" I mean, anxiety was kicking in...

I lay there half awake trying to calm myself (because I'd rather not wake up in panic) and I realized that the thought that was troubling me was "you (I) should go to Burning Man this year because I might not be able to next year!"

Which.... made me think (among other things... like f*ck that's a frustrating thought!) that I (or... whatever part of my psyche we're talking about here.. Ego?) have used fear to motivate myself.  And that sucks.

So I should go to Burning Man this year in case something more than twelve months from now?  Really?  What if next year I can totally go to Burning Man?  What if something very different has happened in my life and I don't want to next year?  What if Nevada has sunk into the ocean?  (Geographically unlikely but you know what I mean)  Or if I have become mega rich and can BUY Burning Man.  Or just... really, what if next year I'm able to go no problem and I stressed myself into going this year.

I'm not really explaining it right and reaching this understanding doesn't really stop the thought-process-threat from happening.  It was just kind of interesting (and sad) to realize how much of my life maybe has been guided by fear.

I know a lot of the theories around fear and I know the meditation type responses and how fear is things that don't exist yet and all that.  Knowing something is different than realizing that I seem to have been motivating myself in this way for a long time.

"I should keep dating this kind of not great guy because I may never meet another guy and then I'll be single forever."

"I should go to Burning Man this year in case next year I can't, or it won't be as easy in this one specific way I can think of."

Anxiety is a powerful force.

I don't like it at all.

I'm not sure I had any idea it was such a driving motivator for me though....




Friday, 7 July 2017

And Nary A Drop To Drink

So.  Water.  It's... you know, good for you and stuff.

I've known I don't drink enough of it.  Sort of ever.  But I've been trying really hard the last year or so to up my water intake.

I have a 32 oz (1000ML - 1 Litre) Nalgene water bottle that I use as my tracking.  I try to take it wherever I can ( and will have access to a bathroom!) so that I know how my water intake is going.

Some days I don't do all that well and come dinner time I'm chugging half of the thing.  But I've been getting one liter of water a day now for quite a while and I'm super happy and proud of that!

Recently (last few months?) with the heat increasing, I've been trying to get even more water down and some days I even manage two, which makes me feel really proud of myself!  I know that getting two of these a day is probably the amount I'm *supposed* to be drinking, but I'm happy to be getting what I am.  And it makes me realize how little and how poorly I've hydrated myself most of my life.

Can I notice any changes worth speaking of?  Well, there's one for sure but it's indelicate so I'll just not mention it (ahem) but to be honest, I'm making so many health changes that I can't exactly say what's due to what.  I just know I'm pleased that I'm drinking a good amount of water and somewhat dismayed at how little I seem to have been drinking for most of my life.

Now, this by no means means I'm perfect.  Some days I get to one or two pm and realized I've not had much or any.  (I find it harder to drink water in the mornings)  But still!

(Although, to be fair, I did used to drink hot water in the winter and just wasn't tracking it so maybe I wasn't being as bad as I think/thought.)

Thursday, 6 July 2017

Shhhhhhhh.... sigh.

I have some (fairly... maybe six or so months?) new neighbours and... they're just... loud.

I mean, it's not as bad as some, probably because they're underneath me but everything they do is...loud!

They talk loud.

(They fight loud.)

They yell at each other from outside to inside loud.

They have friends over loud.

They are just loud people.  I don't think they know it.  And, no, it's not bad enough for me to complain in any way.  (Except here!  YOU'RE WELCOME!)

And the kicker is... they have a truck.

And?  You guessed it.  It's LOUD! (Why is that? VROOM VROOM!!!!  WHY SO LOUD!!!???)

So, now their leaving in the morning is my new alarm clock.  Because loud.  Sigh. 

My newest neighbours are loud. 

Wednesday, 5 July 2017

I Know, I Know, Picky And Whiny

I love fans for their ability to move air around but I find myself delaying turning them on because they make noise!!!!

Sigh.

I appreciate having first world problems, I really do, because it means my life's not all that bad.

Tuesday, 4 July 2017

Sigh

I just.... can't seem to get comfortable with the idea of going to Burning Man this year.  It sucks.

I tell myself that it's still two months away and things may be different by then.  Like... maybe I'll be less stressed or upset so it won't feel so overwhelming.  But right now, it's just too overwhelming to think about the drive again.

It REALLY doesn't help that my social media feed is full of burners and all things Burning Man so I'm hearing non stop about peoples plans and their questions and it's... a lot. 

It's a lot because my trip last year (the travelling portion I mean, more than anything else) had no fun at all.  It was all stress.  Not very manageable stress either.  And most of those worries will be there again if I go to do the drive myself.  Or even if I go with someone else.  Going with Connor was always safe and even if imperfect, I knew he'd done the drive before and knew... all the things.  And sure, I can tell myself that now *I* know all the things too, but I don't want to have to. 

I don't want to have to worry about gas and running out and not having enough and if I should take a jerry can or not and can I or can't I make it or fill it or .... I just don't want to.

And I don't want to have to worry about traffic.  On the highways and roads, on the entry and exit onto playa.  I don't want to stress about going too slow, or being nervous about whatever vehicle I'm driving, or.... anything.  None of it.  Not how long it's going to take me or why I'm not where I thought I'd be at that time of day or how aggressive and dangerous other drivers can be.  I don't want to go over the twisting passes or through the scary PNW roads, or the high, scary, Oregon ones, or the "use engine brakes" steep hills.  I just don't.  I don't want to drive that drive.

Jason's still trying to get things working so that he can come with me and rescue the van (and all my stuff) but when I even think about that, with him driving on the way down, I just freak out.  It's bad in my mind right now.  All of it. 

There's also a part of me thinking the whole "when a horse bucks you you get right back on that horse" kind of thing like... I don't want to turn this into a phobia where I can never do the drive again myself... I just am not sure I can do it right now when my stress and anxiety levels are already unmanageable a lot of the time.

I don't want to deal with the heat.  The physical discomfort. 

I don't want to give myself extra stress and anxiety.

But...  I want to be there.

I want to try being with a camp (I've paid dues and been accepted into one.)  But I also don't.  I want to connect with some people.  See some art.  Be there, in the beauty of the desert for a week.

But.... I don't want to travel there and back.

I really don't think I can handle it this year.  And that's somewhat disappointing. 

Except for the moments when it's not.

I also can't seem to quite let go.  Can't seem to say "not going."  Have mentioned to a few people that I'm not sure I can make it.  They all assure me I'll be there and it'll be great!  But I'm really not so sure about that. 

It's also not free.

I've already put the bulk of the biggest costs on VISA (let's not talk about it ok?) but there's still the travel costs.... gas, insurance, phone plan, food, shelter/sleeping on the way there and back, incidentals, ferry costs, and so on and so on.  It's... not cheap.  And that's assuming I get my gear back in good shape... 

I try to tell myself what's going to happen is going to happen but... I don't know what that is and I don't, yet, know how me being there and getting there this year would possibly happen.

I don't think I have it in me.

(Happy fourth of July to my 'Merican friends, by the way.)


Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.