Of An Age

I am absolutely a "woman of a certain age".  And I have been trying to have medical people listen to me about what I have noticed going on with my body and what I think that meant for quite a long time now.  And some of them agreed but didn't have much agency to help.  My main doctor, that I feel very lucky to have, has been great at testing the symptoms I bring her to make sure it's not something, I don't know, major?

Last year I went to a naturopath that C-Dawg had seen for her own woman of a certain age stuff and we weren't a good match and I kept putting finding someone else off in part because it's expensive, even though I have some coverage through work it's still expensive, and my experiences with naturopaths over the years has been a bit not always realistic but this time I tried to look for someone who looks specifically at woman's health and perimenopause and menopause as a specialization and, well to make this story a bit shorter.... last week I took my last hormonal birth control (that I have been on for decades for both birth control and medical reasons and which, let's be honest has given me some hormonal support but also probably not supported me as well as I maybe could have been but I didn't know what I didn't know....and I was trying to figure it out) and transitioned to taking hormones specifically for this time of my life.

Yes.  While also dealing with my Mom's trip/fall and trying to help them through the worst of that and manage that situation.  (Which meant that when the Naturopath was talking to me about my blood pressure and sleep and anxiety I had to honestly say like look, things are really really stressful and not good right now!  This is a legit anxiety time!)

I had a small cry the first night I took the thing because it's maybe actually true that I am no longer a woman of child bearing age.  It is a signal, to me, that I am actually older.  I had a moment of sadness at this change.  When I went to pick up the medications at the pharmacy (with the giant NEW MEDICATION warning in the bag) my pharmacist (who I've known for years) said "well, welcome to the new phase of your life" and, well, yeah.  I wish I had someone to give me some hugs right now.  (I'll take digital hugs for sure but you know what I mean... a partner, someone I could lean on... be comforted by....)

I'm calling it HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but the Naturopath calls it MHT - Menopause Hormone Therapy which like... ouch.  (That makes me feel old... I know I am older but I don't... like no, that's like... not me???)

Do we/I know yet if I'm in perimenopause (the pre) or menopause?  Nope.  Does it matter?  Kinda?  Medically I guess?  To be indelicate, will I have another period?  I'm not sure yet and there's no way of knowing until my body does what it's going to do (which might be this week?) because when you're on the pill you get kind of a fake period and from what I understand the periods I've been having the last while maybe were "forced" by the pill hormones so we have no idea if that's going to happen or what and I've been reading ladies online talking about this stuff so I have more awareness than say my own Mom had when she went through "the change" (or whatever they called it for her generation) so I know there are no real knowns I can expect.  And I know there are risks.  Just as there were risks to being on the pill (but different risks) And I'm nervous about informing my doctor (I may ask the naturopath to do that I dunno.)  And in the few days since I made this medical choice I've been hyper paying attention to my body, mind and mood.  Did I sleep better?  Am I in a better mood?  Is my stomach hurting because I ate gummy dinosaurs or because I took a progesterone pill?

I go back to see the Naturopath at the start of September (and can email any questions I have before that) to see how I'm doing and go over the risks further and stuff but yeah.  

I'm a fifty one year old woman, currently single, going through hormonal changes and starting hormonal support therapy medication.  (And I'm both thinking I feel like more solid but also that it hasn't been long enough to really know so I'm not like for sure for sure.)

So yeah.  That's a thing that happened.  (And now I have to tell each practitioner I see for the next year or so that this is/has happened.... ok then....)

A Non Problem, I Know*

Last winter I was pretty chilly for a good few nights.  If we remember, I ended up putting a plush like fleece blanket on top of my sheet and it was soft and cozy and I really liked it.  But also last year I thought about trying flannel sheets (C-Dawg swears by them) and being extra extra cozy with them.  I haven't had flannels in a long time but feel like I have vague memories of having them as a kid maybe?  Or something?  But last fall when I went to try to buy them they were sold out so I made a mental note for myself (I maybe even made a physical note on my laptop who knows!) and bought myself a pair in September.  I gave them a wash and tucked them away in a drawer and then last week I figured it might be cool enough for me to put on these magic fluffy warm cozy sheets yay!

Well, I mean they are less chilly than regular sheets, but they're also... not soft?  I mean they're soft but they're not smooth.  The first night I got in expecting (and hoping for) cozy bliss and it was more of a feeling of "ew, no" but I did my best to not think too much about the feeling of them and ok, sure, it was warmer without being warm?  Ok.  Then when I got ready for bed the second night I was actually really bummed to think that I "had" to try to fall asleep in those flannel sheets again.  I really missed my summer weight light and smooth sheets.  Sigh.

By the third night I really wasn't looking forward to bedtime and I started to think that maybe this wasn't a sheet type I was going to get through a couple of months with.  I started to admit to myself that I'm probably just not a flannel sheet person.  And that maybe this is why I don't own a pair and don't remember sleeping on them for..... ages.  This "I don't like flannel sheets and am not putting myself through a season of this discomfort" realization came right around that American-copied Friday sale and so I got myself a pair of slightly on sale non flannel sheets that, in theory, would be my alternate, non summer sheets.  I'd previously done a "feel" test on them in the store so I wasn't buying blind.  

They arrived last week and I gave them a wash (a fiasco I'll talk about another time!) and put them on my bed and oh the bliss when I got into bed that night.  They weren't as cool on my feet as my "summer cooling sheets" but they were soft and smooth and I knew I could transfer the fleece blanket to it's "reall cold" location when I needed to so I was happy.  

I was less happy the next night when I noticed that these sheets, um... pull?  No, that's not a good explanation.   They don't stay tight.  I do have this problem with my summer sheets but it usually takes a few days to start getting "loose" and it fixes right up when I wash them.  But these new ones are loosening up from the sides as I roll around and move around all night.  Bit of a bummer.  So so far when I go to remake my bed in the mornings, I'm also pulling the fitted sheet back down at the sides.  I don't love that and I'm annoyed I'm dealing with this but I'm still happier with these than I was with the flannels.  (And yes I did mention this to the store and they just sort of said "yeah...." and the sales lady said "that doesn't bother me at all!" Well... it bothers me so....)

Somewhat amusingly, when I started asking around for who might like my flannel sheets (I was indenting to give them away not sell them, and also you can't donate sheets to charities it seems, or at least not the ones I looked at) everyone I asked said "oh no thank you I don't like flannels for this reason or that reason!)  So it turns out that C-Dawg and her love of flannel sheets may be the exception not the norm!  But then again that bedding store did sell out last fall so it's probably not just her.  And for those who like or love flannel sheets I'm really happy for you.  I just guess I needed to learn or re-learn that they're not for me...... and not for quite a few people that I know!

The flannel sheets, by the way, ended up being given to a friend's friend who is moving and who wil have several spare bedrooms in their new place and so are happy to have "free" sheets for those beds. 

  

*With the knowledge and acceptance that I am fortunate and thankful to have shelter and a bed and to live in the comfort that I do.

The Spirit Is Not (Yet?) In Me (Weird How That Can Sound Creepy If You Let It)

It is December.  And in case you live in a place that is not Christmas-oriented, around here, that means CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY TIME FOR THE NEXT MONTH OH BUT ALSO THE LAST FEW WEEKS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Traditionally this is a tricky time of year for adult me and for whatever reasons, last year I really felt like being Christmassy so I bought mini lights and put them up and I got a mini light up tree thing and put it on my table and it was nice.

And right now?  As we wander in to December (the month of many holidays) I am not feeling it.  But not in a bad way just in a ... "shrug" kind of way.  (Hard to explain.)

I have written (and sent) my International cards and I'll likely work on my US and local cards this week.  (Our postal strike has resolved after a year of them having to struggle through negotiations.)  This weekend, I put the decoration thing on my front door (I saw my across the hall neighbour had put something up on hers and I wanted to be a part of sharing the season with my neighbours) and I pulled out some of my small decor and put it up, and then took it back down.

I have advent calendars (hard to find the cheap ones wow) and the business of traffic and stuff will keep me as out of the malls as I can be (Hillside, I'm looking at you seeing as I don't really go to the others....)

But I'm not feeling the pull to put stuff up in my place - to decorate.  I don't know yet what I will do on and around the day itself.  My folks are going to the mainland to be with one brother.  I have invites to join C-Dawg (but that feels really intrusive despite her assurances it's not) and my other brother's family and Jason may or may not be in town and even just thinking about what I might do is freaking me out so I'm not going there right now.  

I have gifts bought.  Not yet wrapped.  

I'm just not... feeling it.  We'll see if that changes over the next while, eh? 

 

Below Deck

I think I've been under the weather for most of this month.  

Typing this, by the way, lead me to wondering where the origin of the phrase "under the weather" came from and by anyone's best guess it has to do with boats... ships.  And that if you were seasick, you went below deck and so were "under" the weather.  

I'll accept that as an explanation and not go any further down any rabbit holes of wondering for now.

I say *think* because it hasn't been glaringly obvious and because I've been under a lot of stress, which never makes me feel good or 100%....

I hope you have never had a UTI (urinary tract infection) but if you have, you know when you have one.  Unfortunately.  

I remember a few weeks ago texting C-Dawg that the pee break I just had at work felt "suspicious"... in that it felt just a little bit like how a UTI feels.  Damnit.

Damnit because I don't do well on antibiotics.  There's not really a delicate way to talk about it other than saying I'm one of the 1 in 5 people who is negatively affected by antibiotics in my... well, my digestive system.  If I eat?  I need to be near a bathroom.  As things aren't going to stay to be digested, they are going to quickly make their way out.  (Sorry for those images... ahem.)

So I didn't want to do what one is SUPPOSED to do when one has a UTI and go on antibiotics because for me, it's one of those "the cure is worse than the sickness" kind of situations.  At least in how it makes me feel.

So I decided I would attack whatever was going on in my bladder system with natural remedies.  No, not cranberry juice, but other "herbal" things like D-Mannose. And things didn't get worse.

There would be a day here or there where I would get a dizzy spell.  Probably stress, I thought.  One day at work earlier in the month I actually asked someone to touch my forehead to see if I was hot.  They said I was warm and clammy.  Well, I mean that's not ideal, but yeah, maybe I was just probably kind of really stressed out right?  Nevermind the fact that I was having to go pee (sorry!) a lot.  But that could be anything right?  I was trying to drink more to help flush things out.  

But I wasn't feeling good.  Losing sleep (getting up at night to go, having trouble falling asleep)  I was extra miserable and unhappy.  It was hard to do my water fitness classes as all the jumping around really made me need to pee.  But damn if I didn't want to go on antibiotics.  Especially since there weren't the FOR SURE symptoms to tip me over the edge of knowing.

On Wednesday of last week I had a planned doctor's appointment for my now semi regular B-12 shot (which I don't remember if I did or didn't mention but I've been getting them for a few months now and I swear I'm sleeping better... go figure.) At work on Tuesday I got hit by a wave of "not ok" in the last half hour or so of my day.  I legit wasn't sure if I could drive home safely but I pulled myself together and did.  And then I booked off a sick day.  I had an appointment on Tuesday with my acupuncturist and she politely reminded me that UTIs are not something to mess with (sigh, I know) and so when I saw my doctor on Wednesday I mentioned what was going on.

It was kind of hard to explain that it wasn't a FULL BLOWN UTI and maybe just like a low grade one and that I didn't want to go on antibiotics because they were so rough on me last time, not just physically but emotionally (gut/brain connection and all) so she gave me the cup to give a pee sample in but of course I'd been avoiding drinking water that morning so I didn't get caught out and about needing to pee and so of COURSE there wasn't anything available to put in the cup.  Argh.  (A urine sample can be tested to see if bacteria are hanging out in your bladder.)

I started to feel really not great at the end of the doctor's appointment (she took my temp, it was fine, I was just not doing well) and so had her give me a prescription for a different antibiotic than last time and then I went and picked it up and despite her sending me home with a requisition for the pee sample, I just kind of said screw it and took the antibiotic.  It was, by the way, a powder!  That I put in water and drank!  How WEIRD!?  (And it didn't taste horrific which I expected it to because people are smart!)

I still had physical reaction from the antibiotics but it didn't hit me as hard as the last one I took (for five days vs this one oddly consumed dose) and here I am five or so days later going pee in normal amounts at normal intervals but also kind of still trying to drink a lot and take the herbal things to keep flushing out whatever might have decided to reside in my urinary tract uninvited and unwelcome.

I also bought something I didn't previously know existed, some home test strips that I will try next time knowing they are only so accurate.

I didn't want to go on antibiotics as it's an unpleasant experience for me but I think it's probably a good thing that I did and I'm hoping that the next few weeks show me that I wasn't having huge stress reactions but that I was fighting off a bacterial infection in my system that has now been removed.  (We hope.)

So yeah.... I've maybe been under the weather for almost a whole month while stubbornly not wanting to take the only medication that actually fixes the issue.  Le sigh.  

Bodies man... so weird! 

Ash

On Wednesday morning of last week, I woke up with the light having the particular tinge to it that means we have forest fire smoke in the air/atmosphere but there was no smoke smell to it so I didn't think much about it as we've had this off and on for the last month or so.

But when I went out to my car to drive to work, there was ash falling in the air like snow or rain, and a light dusting of ash on my car.  Not a lot, but enough to notice.  There was even some ash inside my car when I got in, which is both impressive and disturbing but I wiped up what I could see and headed to work.

The ash in the air got to me and I was coughing and uncomfortable most of the morning (I did put a mask on eventually and that seemed to help.)

At some point during the morning there was some kind of social media post saying that volcanic dust from the Mt Saint Helens eruption in 1980 was being re-suspended in air by heavy winds in that area and that it was volcanic dust we were getting, and so to be careful in how you dealt with it as it could scratch car paint, etc.

I was SUPER excited by this because WOW who knew!? But it turns out that while there WAS volcanic ash being stirred up, it wasn't close enough to us to be what we were getting.  We had just regular forest fire ash.  

I texted C-Dawg and Jason about it and Jason mentioned how bad it was and I didn't really think it was that bad, but when I went over to his place a few days later and saw what had fallen on their cars etc vs at my place then yeah, they had it bad.  Like big black chunks of soot and debris.  I just had what looked like when someone flicks the tip of their cigarette ash off... light small pale ash.  I had no idea that some areas got it SO much worse, but they did.  

But honestly, getting these reminders of how much worse our summer air could have been had things been different makes me very very grateful for how good we had it this year for sure. 

Maybe?

I think it maybe really finally feels like fall is approaching.

We've had a light layer of wildfire smoke this last week or so (but still, we're doing pretty well comparatively speaking) but the times that a breeze has come, it has had a hint of a bite to it.

I think it was Friday night (maybe?) when I was in bed reading and I heard a chorus of distant "oooooohs" that I wondered about (my windows were covered by a sarong to try to filter out some of the smoke) and a moment later there was a rumble of thunder.

This isn't really an indication of autumn, more that things are unsettled *up there*.

C-Dawg wondered about bringing out some fuzzy pjs (to which I replied I wasn't ready to commit to warming up my bed quite yet!) and I think I've not fallen asleep with *just* a sheet for more than a week now.  So we're getting there.

I know summer lasts for another few weeks and I know that September here often has warm stretches but I can just feel the first licks of fall starting to arrive.  Is this the easiest go of a summer I've had in a while?  (Temperature wise?) Yeah, I'd say so, and I'm very grateful for that.   Very.  It made a world of difference for me not losing weeks at a time to the heat.  

It's still been very dry and we still have wildfires we'd like to see rained on, but it feels like we're getting closer.  Hopefully.  I think.  

GAH! (Literally)

I was on a call with C-Dawg yesterday when the sun came out (it's been a bit more cloudy/slightly rainy the last few days, yay) and I wanted to make sure my place didn't heat up.  So I wandered into my bedroom to turn the fan on and when I got to the window where the fan is, there was a spider who had used the leg (?) stand of the fan to make a nest and I squealed!

I mean not terribly loud or long or anything but C-Dawg got to witness my "I JUST SAW A BIG SPIDER!" noise and then we got off of the call pronto so that I could escort said spider out into the hallway (and knock down the web thing.)

This is the third spider I've seen this week, and I'm not sure why (or that I want to think about why) but the one in my bathroom I annoyed until it moved (it was in the shower and I don't like looking at them and thinking about them falling on my head as I'm in there, so I blew on the web a bit until it eventually moved and now it's in another corner I'm not worried about.) There's also one in my kitchen and it's a BIG ONE but I'm letting it be as it's kind of ignorable if I don't look in that particular corner above that particular cupboard.   But yeah, three spiders this week.  

OH, and I nearly forgot, a small one that nearly made me break my laptop.

See, I sit most of the time on my couch/lounger with my knees up and a laptop "desk" (for air flow, in theory) and my laptop.  This is how I type and watch shows and all the rest and it's how I relax especially at night.

So I'm there the other night watching who knows what (see "distracting self" from previous post.. sigh) and right next to the keyboard, on the lap desk thing there was suddenly this small little spider and I PANICKED!

As I I yelled and sat up and kind of half threw the lap desk towards my feet even though MY LAPTOP WAS ON IT!!!! and then the spider got knocked on to my blanket but my laptop was ok, and I realized I should be more careful but I flicked the spider a few times until it fell on to the floor and then I felt really badly that I nearly yeeted my laptop due to spider proximity panic.  SPP.  It's dangerous y'all! 

Er...

My counsellor has just let me know that he will be away for what is the hardest time of my work year.  (He's away for a good chunk of months and I'm happy for him to have this break.)  I'm kind of like AHAHAhAHAHAhAHAHAHAH cuz I mean, really?  Ironic much?

But also maybe I can get through it this time without having to pay someone a chunk of money to listen to me complain about it all?  (Dunno....?)

Now, to be clear, I have other practitioners I work with so it's not like I'm not covered mental health wise, and I know I can likely vent to C-Dawg and Jason and whoever else (not here though, gosh darn it!) but still... I'm finding some amusement in this situation I guess?  While being a little bit trepidatious about it quite frankly.

(Ok, now that I'm typing it out I'm getting kind of scared/anxious about it but hey, can't control it, it'll be what it'll be. Sigh.) 

 

It's Still Most Probably Fine?

Soooooooooo I had that followup ultrasound and as my anxiety suspected (sigh) it wasn't quite routine.  They had found something on the mammogram they wanted to check on.

I didn't exactly know this but I had a suspicion as when I had the call with my doctor she mentioned something (that honestly I didn't quite hear) about "found on the left breast" but I think I tried to sort of ignore that as I was already pretty nervous about the whole thing.  And anxious.  Because they're separate things, I swear!

C-Dawg picked me up after work and went with me which really helped.  Like the night before I kept waking up and I'd just say to myself "I get to see C-Dawg tomorrow" and it would make me happy enough that I'd calm down a bit and go back to sleep (until the next time I woke up.)

I'm really really glad she offered (and I let her) because there was a real struggle to find parking (which a colleague had warned me about but I sort of shrugged it off as we all have different levels of tolerance) but with C-Dawg she didn't get stressed by that at all and I was able to sit in the passenger seat and relax about it, in part because we were plenty early and in part because I wasn't driving so the responsibility wasn't mine!  So we parked and chatted about life for a while and then headed in.

While the tech was doing the... what, scanning? I was able to crane my neck up to look at the screen and I could tell she was taking photos of something and because I don't know much about this sort of thing I was sort of like "well she's looking at something specific... shrug."  And then she said she needed to go consult with the radiologist, which again I wasn't sure what that meant so figure that's just how it goes.  And then the radiologist came in to the room and you guys?  It was the really handsome guy I'd seen in the hallways when C-Dawg and I were arriving.  I kind of wanted to die.  (WHY YOU HAVE TO BE A HANDSOME MAN!?!)

He did some of his own looking and then explained that he's pretty sure it's a whatever and either he could take some biopsies or I could have another mammogram again in 6 months.  Well I didn't love that particular experience so I sort of shrugged and said like ok sure, do the biopsy, FULLY thinking that that would mean like hey come back in a week or so to get that done but nope, it meant them setting up for the procedure right then and there.

I'm not sure what I was feeling as I realized the biopsy was going to happen like, NOW, but I did kind of wish someone would tell C-Dawg it was going to be a bit longer but I tried to not worry too much about that and just be like calm and still.  The radiologist explained what he was going to do and I heard him and figure some part of my brain processed it and he had me listen to the noise of the something or other that, I think, would take the biopsy so that I'd not be surprised by the noise and wouldn't jump and I was like um yep, ok.  

The area was prepped, numbing shot went in.  I think a slice was made?  I wasn't watching, to be honest.  He put some marker in the area (so future scans could see where the biopsy was done) and the tech asked if I felt that and I said "well yes, but it's not as bad as the dentist" and the doc said "yeah I get compared to a dentist a lot" (go figure.)

There were three or four "chunks" (the noise the thing made) while he used the ultrasound to guide himself and then a steri strip and bandaid were put on and the (still handsome) radiologist left and I was there with the ultrasound tech feeling a little bewildered having walked in not quite knowing what the ultrasound was going to be like (but having had an ultrasound before on different locations) and coming out with a hole in my breast and a clip in my breast and some sort of weird thing found IN my breast that is "most likely" not an issue but that they are checking out just in case.

My bra went back on, an ice pack was placed inside the bra on the location of the incision and biopsy.  I was given an after care sheet and kindly sent on my way.  (The tech was great, I let the hospital know that afterwards.)

I saw C-Dawg waiting in the waiting area and babbled "I HAD A BIOPSY?  THEY JUST DID IT?  RIGHT THERE?!" as we made our way back out to the parking lot.  And I was in a "positive" mood because, I think I was stunned.

She dropped me back off at my car (she'd gotten me directly from work) and I managed to get myself home (several of my usual roads were blocked but I was able to stop and get the mapping thing going to help me as I knew I wasn't likely at 100%.  

I got home, still in this weird EVERYTHING IS FINE mode.  I did some gentle exercise (like really, just walking around) had a careful shower (avoided getting the area wet) and plopped down on my couch.

My parents called about an hour later, they'd known the followup scan was that day and they asked if it had been straightforward and I explained not really.  They said I must be worried and I was like well kind of not really?  Like at this point I was more anxious about the parking and the process and all the rest and I had a sneaking suspicion they were having me in for a REASON so I wasn't completely surprised and like it's either going to be benign or not and that part is not within my control.  If it's not great, then there will be next steps.  I told them I had an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks for when the results are expected to be in and so until then... shrug?

Am I worried?  Not really.  The tech said that she wasn't seeing any of the "scary" signs.  The doc didn't seem overly concerned.  He'd said that if it was what he's sure it was, it was likely there my whole life and could either stay in or come out.  I've googled and there's a 28% chance it's harbouring some naughty cells but I sort of feel like if it is, it's not going to be terribly awful to treat.  And if it is cancerous, I'm sure I'll be uncomfortable and things will be weird and not great and sore, but it doesn't feel like a "this is going to kill me" sort of thing right now.

You can tell me that's denial if you want, but that's ok.   I think I'm *maybe*? putting on a good face?  But also, it's probably not an issue, you know?  (Or if it is... I don't know.  Hard to know if I'm coping well or completely stuffing it all down.)

I left the big bandage on for 24 hours and wish I hadn't as I either discovered or re-learned that I have an allergic reaction to some bandages/adhesives, or maybe latex.  When I pulled the big bandaid off the next day there was a worse wound and pain from like a chemical burn on the bandaid edges than where the biopsy was taken.  Sigh.

Trying to make a mental note to let whoever needs to know.  And also for myself because I could have come home and taken off *their* bandaid and put on one of my own that I (knock on wood) don't react to.

A couple of days after that, I took of the steri strips and found a MUCH smaller "cut" (?) than I'd expected but also that it wasn't really all that joined back together, so I gently cleaned it (and patted dry) and hauled it together with my own butterfly bandage from home and I missed a few days of aqua class so I bought some waterproof bandaids to throw on in case it's still not quite healed by next class.  Plus for the bandaid wounds which... WHAT THE HECK!??? (sigh)

So, yeah.  The ultrasound follow up was not quite routine. Things are probably fine and are probably going to be fine and it's probably just a weird thing my body grew but I won't know for another while.  My mind is rather blown that I went in expecting a rather boring ultrasound (I was more worried about parking and finding the place, etc.) and it was never even slightly on my radar that anything *other* than an ultrasound would happen.  Wow.

Turning fifty's been "fun" so far!  (Not that this is related to turning fifty, just that I turned fifty and finally made myself go for a mammogram that I've been half avoiding for a while... ahem.  Get those screening tests folks, you just never know.  You know?)

It's Probably Fine

I had a mammogram a few weeks ago and the technician gave me the heads up that as it was my first, they (the cancer screening folks) would most likely want to see me for a follow up and that I shouldn't worry, it just was most likely a routine check since they had no previous imaging to compare to.

But when my doctor, on a call last week casually mentioned "and you know they want to do a follow up mammogram screening?" I was immediately scared.

I got my letter in the mail a few days later and then a call for scheduling a few days after that and so this week I'm going in to the big hospital for a follow up and while part of me is saying it's probably fine and probably just something they want to see a bit clearer, another part of me is really quite scared and worried that something may be wrong and the anxiety in my brain is, I'm not kidding, trying to plan out what I might want to take to the hospital for whatever surgery I'm going to need and like ok planning is one thing but this is "anxiety planning" and not currently necessary or helpful.

The good for me news is that it sounds like this is going to be *just* an ultrasound so no pain or really discomfort at all but I'm still scared.  

I think C-Dawg must have guessed or maybe I said something or something because she's offered to come with me to the thing and I think I might take her up on that, if only because it will give me something to look forward to on that day rather than worrying about finding parking and not getting lost, it would be nicer to think "oh cool, I get to see C-Dawg for a bit" but again, that anxiety portion of my system is like "oh but that's annoying for her and I don't want her to have to do the drive and maybe I'll act weird being there and I should just say no" but I think I might push myself to tell her "yes please and thank you" even though that makes me uncomfortable.  But... yeah.  It's probably fine and it's likely just routine and they told me this would happen and they're probably just getting me in "quickly" because they can and like it's probably going to be ok and maybe it'll be nice to hang out with my BFF in a not nice place (because I'm not in love with hospitals so yeah....)

Going for a follow up.  It's probably all just routine.  

The 'Gram

A mammogram is an x-ray of the breasts, primarily (as I understand it) used in the screening of breast cancer.

Here in BC, we have a mammography, uh, program? that will screen women over a certain age or risk factor for free.  I wasn't aware that that "certain age" was 40, so I haven't had a mammogram yet and to be honest, I've avoided looking in to it out of fear of finding something wrong (a small fear and one I recognize is not based in sense) and fear of the pain I've heard and assumed they involved.

But when I went to that aforementioned naturopath she asked about my "last" mammogram and when I was talking to C-Dawg about how I had to say I'd never had one C-Dawg was not impressed and insisted I call for one that day.  I knew I'd been avoiding it and so I called, very anxiously, and made the appointment for last week.

I was really really nervous and scared leading up to it, like really.  And I told the technician that if I cried it wasn't anything personal but once we got started I wasn't scared.  She told me that if it hurt too much I should tell her but the first two "squishes" were totally fine and by the third things were less fine but I somehow didn't feel like I "could" tell her it wasn't great and then by the last one things really actually hurt but I still didn't say anything, I think in my brain I was like "I want them to get good images" and "it's for the best" but I really should have said something as I was really sore when I went to bed that night and I ended up crying over it.

Turns out that last one bruised me and I really really should have let her know it was too much and I'll totally be talking to my counsellor about that situation as it hearkens back to a thing in my childhood when I was at the Children's Hospital and I should maybe probably try to resolve that whole trauma.... sigh. 

I also nearly cried in the waiting room as they had signs up that showed they clearly understand it's an upsetting and potentially scary time for people (the signs were like "bring a friend" and "take deep breaths") but honestly, if you're putting it off like I did, it's some momentary discomfort (or pain if you're not willing to be honest like I didn't manage) to help hopefully prevent what can be a devastating illness.  C-Dawg and I have a friend who had a routine check in another country and they found the very start of breast cancer that would never have been found in a self exam and now she has gone through some pretty heavy duty treatment but she's not, you know.... to be blunt... dead.

So yeah, I had my first mammogram, better late than never.  I'm assuming there may be follow up as it's my first and the tech told me they have "nothing" to compare it against so anything "unusual" they may need or want to follow up on.  I'm not, at this moment, looking forward to doing it again in a year or two but I will and I'll try really hard to let them know what's not ok when it's not ok because like I said, two of the four were totally ok (if a little uncomfortable.)

If you have breasts, get them checked, and if you have a prostate get that checked and if you have other parts that can be checked, oh, like SKIN!, get it checked, eh?  (I get my skin checked regularly, it just seems to like to grow weird things that aren't an issue... knock on wood.)

Exhausted

I think that maybe a lot of my "extra" (whatever that is) energy is being drained by general world stress (it sucks living next to America as it implodes/explodes) and so daily basics are sort of all I have the mental stamina for right now.

That comes and goes and maybe this has been a tougher couple of weeks due to some medical stress (I had some "you're of age" tests I needed to do that I'll talk about once I'm more alert, nothing major just preventative stuff) and work stuff (don't talk about work but GAH!)

When I went to aqua fitness was it yesterday?  I literally wanted to float in the water and go to sleep while I was waiting for class to start.  Like just lie back and close my eyes and drift off into a nap.  

I mean, I know that's not what would have happened (sinky sink!) but the idea of it was so strong that when someone kindly asked how I was doing I blurted out EXHAUSTED!

I even texted C-Dawg later and said that I had exercised and had some protein (both things meant to give energy) and that I was still super tired and she said to nap and I replied that I actually wasn't sleepy enough for a nap?  Like I guess the exercise had enlivened me enough that I wasn't sleepy but I was still so so tired.

Perhaps, I suppose, this is a factor of aging.  Or the state of the world.  Or my personal health.  Dunno the cause, dunno if knowing the cause would help or change anything anyway.  I am bone tired in a not sleepy way.  Depression tired maybe?  

I mentioned the election the other day and I actually had a panic attack at work that morning when I saw something in the news about it.  That sucked.  Then Australia had an election and they seemed just as worried as we had been and they also are relieved by their results.

"Conservative" in politics doesn't mean what it used to.... not even what it meant a decade ago, certainly not a generation ago.  

Are these two chunks of my post related?  Nope!  But I do think that politically based stress and anxiety is part of why I've felt so damn drained of late.

F*********ck

So, last week, we had a minor (small?  I don't know what to call them) earthquake.  

And now this week, we had a bigger small/minor earthquake.

This time, I was sitting on my couch texting my folks (my Mom caught the flu so I'm worried about her and was seeing what her doctor had said) when the earthquake hit.  This time I knew it was an earthquake (unlike last time when I thought it was someone upstairs jumping on their bed) and it was relatively long and rumbly and wobbly and what I did was?  Text my parents "earthquake."  And then it was done.

Except in my haste/stress I miss-typed and they got back to me with "what?"

To which I replied like "that was an earthquake!" and they said they hadn't felt anything at all.

I looked online.  It still hadn't been put up but earthquake canada (not the proper name but you get the gyst) had put a warning on their page and suggested "heavy shaking" which I have not seen before so then I started to worry (the shaking really frightened me) that what I'd just been through was a precursor to something worse?

I texted a few more folks and it was pretty hit and miss regarding who had felt something or nothing at all.  Eventually the quake showed up and initially they measured it as a 5.1 and I was like I KNEW THAT WAS BIGGER! but they're now showing it as around a 4.7 or so.

C-Dawg has a relative who works in some form of disaster relief and C-Dawg told me that they were expecting/predicting another one and so to stay away from windows/etc.  I sat there, looking over at the GIANT WINDOW I sit by and texted back "yeah, I can't handle this right now." or something to that effect.

Pun not intended although I know how it will sound - this one really shook me up. (Groan.)

I know that a 4.7 isn't really much but it, if you've never felt an earthquake before, is a very unsettling, unnatural, unsafe feeling.  Like for as long as it lasts you have this sense of "I can't do anything about this and it might get bad."

I found out later that day that things had actually fallen off shelves in my hallway closet.  That's a new one for me.  Now, one of those things was a packet of tissues but still... I've never known things to move/fall in this place during a quake before.

I eventually forgot about the "predicted" second earthquake but later that night someone posted about it and sure enough there was a quite small (2. something) earthquake that evening.  Bizarre to me that scientists can predict that kind of thing, but I guess they did.  Wow and yikes.

I lamented the fact that I didn't DO anything and just sat on my couch as it was happening but a buddy very kindly (and I hope correctly) pointed out that I probably internally knew there was no need to do anything and that if there had been a need, I would have done something.  I'm going to tell myself that instead.  I rode out this earthquake because a part of me knew and could tell that I could.

I might take some time to rearrange my earthquake kit stuff though.  Although maybe just a quick glance through it will reassure me.  (Like I just bought a new camping lantern and my brain was like YOU SHOULD PUT THAT IN YOUR EMERGENCY KIT but then I'd have to take it out and put it back whenever I camped or the power went out?  I don't know.)

I hope to never have to really test what I might do or how my kits might hold up.  I hope the "big one" happens outside of my life time, I'm sure we all hope that.

But yeah.  Another earthquake.  On the heels of one a week ago?  Isn't a yummy feeling.

Oh Dear

When I wrote that post the other day it was in the late afternoon of Friday and I was feeling sick but hopeful that I was on the mend.  I was in bed for about 11 hours that night, slept for a chunk of that time, rested for the rest (coughed for some of it) so I assumed that much rest would help me out but when I woke up Saturday morning?  Nope.  Not better.

All my thoughts of "maybe I'll just need to take Monday off of work" turned to "maybe I'll need to take the next couple of weeks off this is bad!"

C-Dawg and Jason texted to check in how I was and all I replied was "no" (which I then followed up with, ask me later, mornings are rough)

I left a message with my doctor's office saying I'd call first thing Monday but that I was unwell and maybe possibly was there a spot for an appointment? (Not sure that'll happen but worth a shot, and grateful to have a doctor at all right now.)

I then called our health information line (811 here in BC) and waited to talk to a nurse who asked about my symptoms and showed enough concern that I'm now more concerned than I was (both whooping cough and pneumonia are "going around" as well as the usual suspects - flu/covid/RSV and the nurse's concern was whooping cough which I've had before and hated and recently re-vaccinated against so if it's that at least I covered myself WOO HOO!)

But man that "worse in the morning" thing sure sucks and makes it hard to plan to go to work when work starts in the morning. 

I know these posts are out of timeline and so depending on when you read them may not make sense but that's just the way the cookie crumbles or something like that. (And speaking of 'crumbling', no I don't want to talk about the crumbling of the country directly to the south of me, but I'm aware of it and not wanting to put much of my attention on it, which is "easy" to do when I"m this under the weather anyway.)

The only things I"m not doing that the nurse suggested are a humidifier and steaming.  So I just did steam breathing for a while before I sat down to type this and I'm sure my pores are thanking me? (Added bonus?)

So yeah, I'm not improving as much as I'd like but I think (knock on wood) I'm also not worsening so that's at least good right?

Well F*ck

Feel free to skip this as I'm sick (and maybe a little whiny?) and that's not the most delightful combo to read....

The morning of my big ol fiftieth birthday I woke up to pee.  Not unusual, but annoying.  On the way back to bed, however, a cough happened.  And it wasn't one of those tickle in your throat annoying coughs it was a deep in the lungs barking painful "this is not good" kind of coughs.  Oh no.

But I went back to bed thinking it was maybe somehow nothing as I had not been feeling run down or unwell or ANYTHING but I was concerned.  I *know* this type of cough.  I used to get chest stuff more regularly than I'd like.  Bronchitis/pneumonia... it's a cough you get to know.  Shit.

I didn't fall back asleep, I was probably too worried to.  But I also was fairly sure I'd wake up feeling fine because, again, I'd not felt unwell!  No way a sickness could come on this suddenly!?

I got out of bed around 6 as I wasn't sleeping anyway and I knew by that time that I wasn't well.

I dealt with work (not going in) and started taking care of myself as best I could but you guys?  That cough hurt.  And was nasty.  Deep and painful.  I tried to avoid it.  The coughing.  

At a decent time, I let my parents know (via text)  I was cancelling my birthday visit with them and I let C-Dawg and Jason know I was sick (as I might have been seeing them too). I messaged a co-worker to apologize for the short notice and she mentioned that she was also off sick so the logical leap here for me is that whatever I picked up was likely picked up there.  (Sigh.)

I didn't hear back from my parents and so after a few hours I called to make sure they knew and man did I ever sound terrible.  Talking = coughing.  This cough sounds bad.  They said for sure to just stay home and rest.  (I had considered putting on a KN95 and going for a quick visit but they're smarter than my brain was in that moment and were like "we don't want whatever you have"... I mean fair enough.)

It was a strange trip to spend my "big" birthday alone.   And that morning I felt very sorry for myself and not even having cake for my birthday.  I considered asking Jason or C-Dawg to go pick me up one so I could at least have one, or putting a candle in a muffin or something but as the day went on I felt worse and worse and the idea of cake or sweets did not appeal in the slightest.  I did take a covid home test, it came up negative though.  (Google searches suggested bronchitis, which is basically "inflamed breathing tubes.")

I didn't sleep that night.  I was "too hot" (which is ridiculous for this time of year, it was like -2 out and windows were open) and having to have no blanket on but then that was too cold so I'd have to try to find a balance of maybe a sheet and half a blanket.  Lying on my back meant coughing, but lying on my side was too painful, I could not find a way to get comfortable and so sleep didn't happen, or at least not much of it.  I dozed maybe, rested somewhat, but I did not sleep.

The day after my birthday wasn't good.  I took some cold/flu medication around 10 and by 12 I texted C-Dawg that I felt almost human!  I thought maybe I was beating the thing!

I had no appetite but tried to eat at least something.  Fortunately I'd gone shopping a few days earlier and so I had some veg and some muffins I'd made the week before and so I was able to make myself some veg and an egg and feel proud of "eating well" if not all that much.

I had some fruit too and some orange juice but my stomach couldn't stomach the orange juice so I didn't get through much of that, even watered down.  I napped.  Tried not to nap "too" much but I was so tired. 

Late that afternoon though, things got not so good.

At some point I got cold.  Like checking the thermometer in my room cold, but nope, it's not suddenly 10 degrees colder in here.  Then intense freezing cold shivers happened.  Damn.  Checked for fever? Yup.  Fever.  Not HIDEOUS fever but fever nonetheless.  Damn.

I took a bath.  I shivered in the bath.  The parts of my skin that weren't under water were cold.  But I was also trying to relax my back that was now so sore from the coughing.  The god damn coughing that I was still trying to not do.  Because it hurts so much.

Out of the bath I threw on layers.  Layers that when I tried to wear them on a cold day a couple of weeks ago I got to hot.  

I had on these layers and two blankets and two hot water bottles and I was still cold.  But my temperature wasn't.  Y'all?  THIS MAKES NO SENSE!  I know, I know, it's the body being clever fighting bugs, but to be knowingly warm and feeling freezing?  Bizarre.  So I'm trying to warm myself up but also using a cold compress to cool myself down all while knowing none of this made logical sense.

I took a night time cold/flu thing (even though last time I took them a year or so ago they made me not sleep at all) and didn't expect to sleep but I actually got a few solid hours.  I half woke up around 4 am again and just kind of lay there not asleep but I was happy to have gotten any sleep at all.

As of this writing, I'm three days (and half a night, apparently) in to this thing and I'd better not be jinxing it by typing this but I'm starting to feel a little hope?  I was hungry earlier.  Wild!  Exciting!

My back is still sore, but I haven't had a fever yet (knock on wood) today, or at least not since this morning.  Now that could be the meds but still, I'll take feeling slightly better over worse for sure.

I'm worried that this cough might linger for a long while.  I'm trying to be hopeful that it won't but...it's deep in there.

My Mom would like me to go to a doctor and I told her that I didn't really see the point in that (since I think this is viral and two covid tests have come back negative... not that that's a guarantee it's not covid of course) but that if I didn't feel better over the weekend (I'm writing this on the Friday) that I'd call on Monday.  She's worried I have a secondary infection but (ewwww!) the one thing I did manage to cough up (I'm terrible at coughing things up FWIW) wasn't terribly... uh... off coloured (sorry) just a little and my energy has been low but not non-existent and so I don't *think* I have a secondary infection but we'll see how things go.

I'm writing this in an energetic moment I'm having.  I've cancelled appointments for this week and am not working Monday and may book off the rest of the week depending on how today goes.  I mean I've only talked to my folks on the phone and when I do I sound terrible and then I cough so being in public or trying to do whatever my job is may not actually be doable yet, you know?

So yeah.  I got sick.  Quite sick.  I'm hating it.

Hopefully my next post will be with improved health!

(And yes, I'm a little bit mad at myself for slacking with my mask usage, especially the couple of times I was around someone sick but I over thought it in my head and didn't want to "appear rude" by putting it on but here we are... le sigh.)

Oh and?  My heart rate is SO elevated.  Like my resting heart rate is currently my "going for a walk" heart rate and when I did a few things around my apartment it went up to my like "working really hard on the treadmill" rate.  Crazy.  But my blood oxygen levels are fine (so far).  (Yes I have a monitor.  Bought it when lockdown happened when I was worried I might catch Covid and have to self monitor at home.  So between that and my thermometer I'm able to see if/when I might need outside help.)  And yes, I was tired.  Am tired.  Not so tired I can't function, but "need a nap" several times a day, even hours before bed tired. 

With Caution

I'm (likely, still might cancel?) going to see a naturopath next week.

These are medical folks with training who tend more towards the alternative side instead of the heavily western medical side. (Did I put that politely and carefully enough?)

I went to one years ago but found her recommendations overwhelming and not realistic for me and my lifestyle so I didn't keep going.

But a couple of months ago C-Dawg went to this naturopath, mainly to talk about peri-menopause and all the things that might be springing up from that and she spoke very highly of her and so I figured I'd give it a try.

I'm not about to buy a whole bunch of supplements, I already buy a lot of supplements and they're expensive and I don't have the budget for more, quite honestly.  But I do want to have someone look at where my hormones might be and talk to me about how I might be able to improve some aspects of my life.

I'm having some surprising guilt, however, that I'm not going to my regular doctor for this.  I'm one of the very very lucky people who actually have a family doctor in this town right now and I'm not trying to take business away from her or anything so I'm not quite sure why I'm going to this person rather than going to my family doctor and being like "talk to me about hormones and aging"?

I guess I'm maybe looking at it like a bit of a specialty.  And I do have coverage as it's a private pay thing (rather than a family doctor) so it hopefully will be mostly covered from my benefits.  Nobody says I HAVE to go or have to return if I do go.  I think there's also an aspect of maybe forcing myself to deal with things I've been half ignoring (being a woman over 40....) and looking ahead to the next "phase" of my life (50 is weird for me in really triggering age and aging fears and worry and stress) and wanting to try to be the healthiest I can be going forward.  

I see my parents in their 80s and how relatively healthy and well they are and compared to other folks their age or YOUNGER, I know that being older can be very different depending on how you take care of yourself, as well as the genetics (and so far it seems I've got a good head start on the good genes thing!)

So yeah, I know naturopaths can have a not so great rep/rap and so I guess I'm putting it out there that I'm not going in blind and naive and I'm cautious and not really even wanting to go and I think that if C-Dawg hadn't spoken so highly about the whole thing I'd likely be continuing to avoid and put off all this stuff.

But yeah, I'm nervous about it, that's for sure.  (Even though I've been to one before.  Odd.  But times and feelings do change.)

Murder Most Horrid!*

*is the name of a tv show from a while ago...

Guys?  I think I've killed another plant.

Sigh.

I'd show you a picture but I'm pretty embarrassed (and rather horrified) at what I've done so I don't really want other humans witnessing it (even though I'm about to write about it).

I think I wrote about it at the time but I bought a device to help me not over water my plants.

It's a like soil moisture tester.  You stick it in the dirt of your houseplant and it tells you if the soil is dry, ok or wet.  (Make sure if you have one you clean it off before using it on the next plant so you don't inadvertently spread any illnesses.)

One of my frustrations is that many of the plants I have are not good at giving clear signals.

Like I've seen people posting photos of their "dramatic" houseplants that wilt when dry and then perk back up when watered.  Either mine aren't those types of plants or I never let them get dry enough to wilt.... ahem. (Admitting that's a possibility.)

I think I told you I had a lot of death a couple of years ago when I listened to my neighbour who told me she watered her Grandmother's plants weekly.  I didn't ask about the light/heat in said Grandmother's space so just thought "once a week" was a good idea.  And then I ended up murdering (drowning essentially) a few of my plants.  I was devastated.

After that I bought the moisture thing and allowed myself a couple of new plants.

And until very recently I've been doing well.

But one of my plants showed signs of being unwell... a leaf was yellowing.  GAH!  I googled and as always the results were that it was either getting too much or not enough water (sigh).  Knowing my tendency is to over water I assumed this was the case and left it alone for a few weeks.

I also cut off the yellow leaf (which I really should google if that's a good thing but I don't like the look of death hanging around you know?)

So last week I thought I'd check the plant and it came up dry and so I gave it a water.

But now the other leaves are yellowing and when I tested the soil it came up WET (like very wet.)

Sigh.

I've probably killed the whole damn plant, but maybe it will save itself (I doubt it.)

I've moved it to a spot with more light but as I'm typing this I'm worried it has an illness it might spread to the two healthy happy plants that live there so I don't know.

But man I'm tired of trying to be good to plants and then killing them by, I dunno, working too hard?

How do I teach myself to neglect plants?

It makes me sad when this happens and then upset at myself because I know the plant would be ok if I'd never brought it home or if it lived somewhere else.

And then I debate throwing out the half sick plants I have but I want to keep hoping they'll get better but also how did I go from being so good at caring for spider plants (for example) that I gave away babies as gifts (C-Dawg now has like 10 grand babies from one I gave her) to killing all of the ones I have?  What about my plant care changed so much?

Can I break my "weekly watering" habit somehow?  How do I have happier plants and not murder them?

Waaaaaah.

The Inevitable Passage Of Time

There are several young people in my life and while many of them are on the mainland (kids of high school friends and such), my brothers' kids and C-Dawg's kid I see the most of, either in person or via photos and updates from their folks.

Because I talk to C-Dawg the most, I hear the most updates about her kiddo and, well he just got his full driver's licence.  (One of my nieces is of similar age so she's likely next, I assume.... brothers aren't great at telling me things!) This is... crazy.  C-Dawg and I are both struggling with this life fact (her more than me I'm sure) and all that it entails.

For me, my biggest *oh shit* moment was seeing my two youngest nieces the other week and the youngest really suddenly looks like a teenager.

Like that switch has happened from "kind of still a kid, maybe slightly a pre teen" to "that's a teenager".  And I'm slightly devastated.  I teared up when I saw her, and told her that was my right as her aunt and how lovely she looks etc etc and it hit me later that all those "aunt jokes" I heard growing up are like totally legit and true.

(I didn't have that experience of having aunts and uncles around growing up, for what it's worth - child of an immigrant and all that....)

I legitimately did the whole "you've gotten so BIG!" thing when I saw her and while I didn't pinch her cheeks, I do understand how when you don't see a young person every day there can be a really sudden and shocking change and the intense urge to say something about it is where, I assume, the jokes come from.

So yeah, at this time, I don't really have any more youngsters in my life, and no, no one is to mention the possibility of being a great aunt one day (JUST SHUSH!) and while I'm excited to see this next stage of all of their lives (post high school choices, driving or not, relationships, heartbreaks, jobs, careers, marriages maybe? etc etc) I'm also sad and missing the younger days.  Maybe especially around this time of year when picking out a gift for a youngling was a special delight. 

But yeah, my babies are all grown up.  (Although not really, as we all know....) And that's a little bit heartbreaking.  (And somewhat terrifying, quite honestly, that we let 17 year olds be behind the wheel OMG!)

Aaaahhhhhhh Sleep

I love good sleep.

It's, without exaggeration, life changing for me.  Maybe for you too, but I know we're all built differently so I'm not assuming.

When I was a teen (and probably before, I don't really know) I could sleep in like nobody's business.

Like I'm talking sleeping in til 11 or later.  Maybe I was staying up late those nights, again, I don't really remember, I just know that I am, or was, fairly well known for being a late sleeper.  I may have even told you the story of my best friend's Dad who'd get fed up of me still being in bed during sleepovers and would open the door and throw a wet facecloth on my face to wake me up!  C-Dawg's Dad used to grumble at me about how I was wasting half the day, but sleep.... mmmm.... delicious sleep.

A number of years ago (I'm sure I talked about it here at the time) I worked hard to change my sleep patterns so that my mornings weren't a rush.  Instead of getting up and needing to leave in half an hour or so I now get up with over and hour before I need to leave.  A couple of weeks ago I even moved my alarm back another ten minutes.  Crazy! (For me, anyway.)

I do find I like having the mornings awake, it really does extend the day and I do like having lots of down time before I need to leave for work rather than feeling stressed and rushed.  But I also sometimes miss sleeping in, or hitting snooze...

My sleep can get hit or miss and of late I've been sleeping ok but not feeling rested and so two or three weekends ago I decided to let myself sleep in as much as I wanted on a Saturday (the only day I don't have a class at the pool I want to get to.)

Y'all?  It was delightful.  I half woke up and let myself just fall back asleep and be all warm and cozy and dozy for as long as I wanted.

I was so pleased with myself and it wasn't even all that late, relatively speaking.  (I think I got up around 9:30 which is decadent but nothing compared to my high school days!)

But..... then my sleep was terrible for the next week.  UGH.

Sure, maybe the two things are unrelated but it sure seemed that they were.

It's the same with naps.  If I'm sick I can nap and still sleep, but napping during the day the rest of the time is dangerous and can and most likely will mess up my sleep schedule.

And because the difference for me between a good sleep and a meh/not great sleep is really night and day (no pun meant) I have to put more value on maintaining my night time sleeps as best I can.

Sometimes acupuncture is needed to reset whatever in my system is off and that's what happened last week... an acupuncture session followed by some of the first good sleeps I've had in weeks.

I feel like a whole new person on the days I wake up having really, actually slept.  Sure, there could be other factors but my point is.... I really really love and need good, solid sleep.  And I think I'm willing to sacrifice intense sleeping in and most naps to try to get it.

So while that one sleep in felt great at the time, I feel like I paid for it over the next week plus and so I don't think I'll go quite that wild again.

I do still "sleep in" a little on non work days by not having my alarm set, but with my blinds half open, and lately, with the construction going on next door I'm usually awake within an hour and a half of a work day vs the three or so I did that weekend.

TL;DR? -  Good sleep is gooooooood.

Whoopsie Daisies!

For a while, Jason had a bag of jujubes (hard gummy candy) at his place and I'd have one or five when I wanted a little sugar boost.  

I don't particularly like jujubes all that much but they seemed to work for me and so I started buying my own.  Weirdly... seeing as I don't love them?

For reasons that are unknown to me, eating jujubes on the regular starting to hurt my gums.

I assume it is something in the chemical makeup of the jujubes (?) and so I googled to see if you could make them at home and it turns out you can!

I found a really simple, straightforward recipe and bought some gelatin and a thing of strawberries.  "Easy peasy here goes nothing!" I thought.

I mentioned I was doing this to C-Dawg and she was like wait jujubes hurt your gums?  (yup, weird, I know) and also "well that's a waste of strawberries!" which... probably (especially with the price of fruit these days) but if I could have chemical free jujubes at home that tasted like summer strawberries?  WIN WIN, right?  (The recipe really is just essentially the gelatin, the pureed and strained fruit and sugar.)

So before this heat wave hit, I went ahead and followed the recipe to give it a try making my own jujubes.

Now I've heard before that making candy is really quite tricky and precise but I wasn't making candy see?  I was making jujubes!  And the recipe was SUPER super simple so I wasn't worried at all.  Plus, I'd made gummies before and figured jujubes were probably just a little more solid than them so it'd be more than fine.

Except.... when it came to the portion that said "get to a boil, cover for five minutes", well... that's where things started to be not so easy/great!

Within a moment of putting that lid on the pot (and I didn't have it at a huge boil mind you) the concoction started to boil over.

Now, this isn't like pasta water boiling over, this is thick, gooey, sugar goo boiling over directly on to a hot burner where it then sticks and burns.  Oh no.

I could have just abandoned the whole thing at the first overflow but I felt like I'd invested a fair amount into this (financially for sure!) and wanted to see how it would end up and maybe this was just normal?  So I kept taking the lid off to cool things and then trying to not have it boil over but also cook and then clean up from around the ring and at the end of the five minutes I had a disaster of a pot and an oh dear lord did I just ruin my burner? of a stovetop.  

Y'all, it wasn't pretty.  

But I persevered.... poured the mixture into the prepared pan and went to work cleaning up the sticky messy pot and stovetop.  And once things cooled enough, I googled how to clean burnt sugar off of a stove burner and I got to work on that.  (While trying not to ruin the burner!)

I got the burner pretty clean (baking soda mush) and tried to burn off any leftover residue and then made the executive decision to change out that burner to the less used area and hope for the best.  (I don't know how you buy a new burner but I assume you can?)

Meanwhile the jujube mixture was setting, waiting to be cut.

I decided to let it sit and set overnight so in to the fridge it went.

The next morning I brought it out to try cutting it up and try it and.... well, it wasn't solid.

I scooped out a bit and the texture was weird?  It wasn't jello but it wasn't jam so it was somewhere weirdly in between?  I guess it tasted fine but I wasn't drawn to the jam-jello enough to really want to eat it and I was kind of bummed that the simple recipe had failed me!

I scooped it out in slices and put it in a container in the fridge to harden it back up.

The next day I took a look at that container and the stuff had sweated.  There was a ton of liquid in the container.  WHAT HAD I MADE?

I composted most of it a couple of days later and told myself it was a lesson learned.  I have eaten some of it, but the texture doesn't work for anything (it's all too in between) and the strawberry-ness isn't quite the same as when I make strawberry sorbet so it wasn't worth forcing myself to eat it all.  Plus the liquid... felt creepy or something science-y I didn't understand!

So I guess the recipe I found wasn't detailed enough and all those who say making candy at home are right and I won't be attempting again.

I don't know when I'll go through another jujube phase, what with the sore gums and all but lesson learned I suppose.  Sorry strawberries, thank you for your sacrifice!

P.S.  After writing this I googled for another recipe and yeah the one I used was just way way too simple - but I'm also not going to try again but if you ever want to, look for the recipes with fancy ass instructions, eh?