Tuesday, 31 March 2020

Things I'm Still Trying To Do

If you remember, before things .... I don't even know what to say... got scary?  weird?  exploded?  got bad here?  got real?  But... before *waves arms around* all this, I was dealing with a diagnosis of pre-diabetes and possible heart disease.  Stuff.

And I was working on doing things for my health to work against these concerns/issues.  And I'm still trying, as much as I can, during these days.

I am trying to still intermittent fast as much as is feasible.  Which for me really just means not eating after 7:30 in the evening and not eating before 11:30 in the morning, although some mornings it's a bit earlier than that when I start and that's ok.  I'm working hard not to beat myself up right now, but rather to be self encouraging.

I'm also meant to be reducing sugar and carbs, and well, that's a little bit out the window at the moment and that's going to just have to be ok for a while.  I'm wrapping my brain around an awful lot of things right now and having a creme egg while I do it is going to have to be ok.

But man oh man the cravings.  The cravings for things I certainly wasn't craving before isolation or physical distancing or whatever it is I'm doing these days.  Like.... saltines type crackers?  I haven't had them in years!  YEARS!  Not for the gluten and certainly not for the carbs these days but now, out of nowhere?  It's like yeah, world may be ending, I want saltines crackers.

And chips.  Chips in general.  I mean, sure, I was totally craving them before now, but now maybe because I don't have any and am not going out to get any (although I will likely put a small bag on my next order, THE GUILT!) it's like WANT NOW.  Which... it's harder to talk myself out of cravings right now because there's this sense of "who knows what will happen?  what's to come?" and so it's harder.  But I'm still trying to kind of be mindful when and where I can. 

I have a lot of anxiety around the worst case scenarios of possible happenings right now, and that's not helping either.  Like... part of me is certain that there will be a breakdown of the supply chain.  That soon there will be no fruit to buy.  And soon there will be NO FOOD to buy at all and so it's hard to eat normally when I'm both not really hungry (stress) but also wanting things (randomly) that I wouldn't have allowed myself to get for the last year or even more (hi, Oreos?  I haven't had any in years, just don't think about it, but C-Dawg joked they were in her quarantine kit and now I'm like OREOS????? WANT????!!!)  And I'm already such a disaster internally (mind) that picking on myself for wanting and/or maybe ordering them is not totally helpful.

I talked to a colleague the other day and she said she was waiting for a sort of routine or flow to establish and I wish I could get a sense that that will happen, but I don't right now.  People are talking about a "new normal" and I'm still over here freaking the eff out and barely day by day to notice if anything has become normal or routine.... that may take a while.

But, I digress.  I am still *attempting* to approach my eating in a somewhat vaguely health conscious way.  I'm not sure how well I'm doing but.... I'm still at least... keeping it in mind?

Monday, 30 March 2020

A Monday

Well, it's Monday.  And how do I know that?  Quite simply because I'm setting this post to publish/post on Monday, so it'll be a Monday when it goes out into the world.  That's how.

Other than that, I am starting to really lose track of days here.

I mean yes and no.  More like they're all sort of starting to blend together?  Was it yesterday I walked in the park or was that two days ago?  Three maybe?  And it was cloudy and rainy yesterday, right?  When was it sunny? 

The only appointments I have anymore are counselling (video) and then waiting for deliveries on whatever day they're coming.  It's... strange and unsettling and, well, different.  So, weird.

As I said in some post last week, I haven't been into a store in coming up two weeks.  As in, nearly fourteen days since I was in public.  I've still seen people... at a distance... in passing.  I've had a conversation or two... at a distance.  One with the grocery delivery fellow, and one with C-Dawg who dropped me off some home made gluten free cookies and a book.  (I have the best people, I really do)

So, yeah, I've started getting grocery deliveries.  First time in my life.  I'm aware I could go into stores and take precautions but I suppose I'm extra extra freaked and nervous and so I'm going to try delivery as long as I'm able and it works.  I'm trying not to be a strain on the system, and so it's hard to adjust my brain to thinking ahead to what I might need ten days from now, but I'm trying.... I'm also a little embarrassed that someone might notice the comfort food I ordered amongst the fruit and veg and healthy things. 

I also put in an order from London Drugs (think... everything *but* grocery store) and that too was strange.  I'm not one to really run low on things, I usually always buy before I run out completely, but there are a few things I hadn't realized I was running low on when I did my last few shops.  Like... face wash, and shampoo, and er, razors.  And yes, I know I could *just* glove up and be careful and go to the store, but I'm really not wanting to.... anxiety or not, so I'm ordering and dealing with delivery, but it's strange, not just thinking "oh, I can pop out and get that whenever".  Because, no, they're asking us not to do that, and I'd really rather not if I can avoid it.

But it's taking some adjusting to and re-wiring of how my brain works.  I suppose I'm turning more to the mindset of someone who lives far from a "town" and just does a "big shop" once in a while so has to pay a bit more attention to things.  Like what I imagine the olden days were like... when you drove the horse and buggy into the mercantile in town and put in your order and, yeah... a bit more like that.  But... with computers and credit cards and trucks and "it's outside the door for you" and I just.... this is so strange.  But you know that.  It's not just me dealing with all this.

Which is somehow even stranger.

Saturday, 28 March 2020

Video Thing

Ok, that was fine.  It was, yes, awkward and all that and unflattering too but also reassuring to "talk" to the counsellor I've been talking with for a while now.  Like... at least one thing is still normal.  Or at least kind of normal if different.  Does that make sense?

Friday, 27 March 2020


I have my first ... uh... I dunno what to call it... video call counselling session later today?

Counselling with my counsellor but on my computer via video conference?  Yeah.  That.

I'm so so nervous.  I'm nervous because it's new and different and I don't like change (see why this whole world virus situation is so not going "well" for me?)

I'm nervous that my counsellor will "see" a little bit of my home, I don't know why, not like my home is embarrassing, just that it's a little loss of neutrality.  I'm nervous that my home phone might ring.  (Yes, I have a land line.  No, I'm not sure how to silence it.)  I'm anxious that a delivery will happen when I'm on the call and then what do I do... I am so anxious about that because I have deliveries scheduled today but then an amazon one is just coming... whenever.  And I know, I know, I could cancel this or cancel that but these are strange times and.... I'm trying.

I'm also reminding myself that this particular call may just be sort of a check in and connect and nothing serious or anything.  Like, why is there so much pressure on myself here, I don't know.  But like... then there's comfort, like I don't have a proper seat to sit in for an hour, or I do, but then I don't have something at the "proper" angle for my laptop to sit on.  And then I don't have a headset, I just have my regular iPhone came with purchase headphones and yes they plug into my computer but only at a certain distance and yes, I've already accidentally yanked one out of my ear by moving too far.

And I don't like video calls.  I always feel awkward.  I don't really like seeing myself and I always analyze how weird or awful or unflattering I look and that's not helpful and I often get sweaty.  Yes, I said it.  Video calls make me sweaty or something.  Ugh.

So I'm not looking forward to this and I'm super nervous and anxious about it for so many reasons and on top of that I just wish the world was normal and it was a month or two ago and I was just walking to my regular appointment in my regular place to sit down in person and .... not this.


(Oh, and one other thing too... I'm nervous about my counsellor.  I'm nervous at how all of this is affecting him... financially and emotionally.  I don't feel comfortable venting to him... or anyone, right now because we're all going through this and we're all at least a little concerned if not scared or downright terrified.)

Thursday, 26 March 2020

More Of A Tweet Than A Post, Really

I'mma try to make (gluten free) Navajo flatbread!

I first saw it on twitter, then a friend posted it on (other social network) and I have the ingredients and want to try it so.... here goes!

Edit, couple of hours later:  Ok, so I'm calling that a successful failure.  Really simple to make, but the use of gluten free flour meant I was starting with an unknown.  My dough was too sticky so I didn't end up cooking it all, but I did have one ball I made into three pieces and I'm proud of me.  Will probably make again with regular flour (sorry body) just to see what they'd be like made "properly".

Wednesday, 25 March 2020

I Wouldn't Read This If I Were Me

So as we all physically distance and watch and wait and as we all sit a bit bewildered by the all of this and think back to "not that long ago" when things were simpler and easier and we maybe didn't even know it and how quickly life can change not just for an individual but for a province, a country, a city, a world.... "last week" seems like a long time ago and "last month"?  Well I'm pretty sure that's an entire lifetime ago now.

I say again, as always I am not an expert.  I am not a doctor.  I am not anybody who is doing anything other than writing an online diary.  That's it.  I'm venting.  Documenting.  But only *my* take on things... my thoughts.  Not truth or even necessarily reality, I dunno.  Just... words on a sheet that isn't even that.  Digital diary.  Like money is these days, never really real, just... zeros and ones on a screen making meaning.

This thing we're facing is new to us.  I think many of us compared it to the "other" epi- and pan-demics we've faced over the years but this one is new.  And while I shouldn't be reading about it I am and the first hand accounts from survivors and those living with it make me wonder if we'll ever fully know the scope of the spread of this virus.

This is me, telling me to stop reading now because it'll upset me and make me anxious.  So... yeah, do that.  I'm venting.

Famous Actor X posted that he and wife were positive with it and then they were fine.  Famous Actor Y posted that he was positive and then weeks later his wife was as well.  Person whose blog I read's husband is positive but she is not.  (Is that a yet?  Or an ever?)  First hand account A talks about "like cold or flu", first hand account B talks about pneumonia and barely surviving.  And everything in between and of course the deaths and the fear and the unknown and the wanting to avoid the worst case but so many of us are really afraid.  And that's ok.  I mean it's not great, but it's not abnormal or weird or unusual.

I have many many unanswered questions and I do read up on it from time to time and then greatly regret it but the response from experts is often, currently a "we are still figuring it out".

And how many of us now are wondering about that "cold" we had a couple of months ago.  How many of us hope maybe we had a mild version and are now immune... even though immunity is not a given... as far as I know.  (Like I said, I'm force-avoiding the reading of things after the last week and how badly it set me off).

I have not been to the gym since the 8th.  My last time in public in a store kind of thing was the 17th.  Could I have gotten infected in that time, or, also, could I have unknowingly infected someone in that time?  Of course.  Will the measures I'm taking now on top of the measures I was taking before keep me safe?  Not known.  It's all statistics at this point.

I think there are far more people carrying this virus around than we may ever know.  There are likely going to be many who got or will get sick from it that will never know.  Have I been sick with it already?  Am I contagious and asymptomatic right now?  Don't know don't know don't know.

Are we distancing and isolating until a vaccine?  I know it's to help flatten the curve and hopefully allow the medical system some room... dear lord may they have the space and room and help to deal with this, please.  So many unknowns.  And I am not a person who copes well, historically, with unknowns.

So I suppose this is one of my learning opportunities right now.  To give in to the uncertainty without the anxiety.  I've talked a bit with two of my closest girlfriends who are both, for lack of a better term... meh? with the not knowing.  And I wish.  I wish for that skill/ability/personality right now.  Damn.  Everyone I know is concerned.  In varying degrees and about varying things.  I think everyone I know and have spoken to is concerned about someone "more vulnerable" in their circle.

It may be that we will all lose someone.  Maybe not?  I already have a friend (in the States) who has lost a friend to this.  And I pray and wish to all things that might honour me by listening... I pray that that's as close as I get to it.  The deaths.  Please.

I did not see this coming.  Not like this.  Was that blissful ignorance?  Perhaps.  But you also can't really know something's coming when it's not come before... (I could throw a joke in here but I won't...I mean Spanish Inquisition comes to mind, say no more say no more and now for something completely different.)

I'll have my first counselling by distance soon.  And I DO NOT want to do that.  I want to be in a room, in a space sharing and talking with another human face to face.  But that's not an option and if it were I'd probably be too scared to go there anyway.

I hope I can soon make the best of this.  That's a thing that makes sense to me.  But I'm constantly worried about what's coming.  I can go for a walk right now.  What if I can't soon?  What if the supply chain breaks down?  What if (person I care about very much) gets sick?  Dies?  How do I avoid going absolutely insane while inside my own head inside my own apartment with no way out for who knows how long?  What if I never want to leave the house again because I never get over being afraid of getting sick "out there"?  Anxiety feeds on "what if" and this situation is bringing nothing but.  Uncertainty.  Change.  Not knowing.  What ifs.  Newness.  Fear.  I do look for the good and the positive but so many fears.  So many.  And not just mine.  Everyone's.  I am afraid for everyone.  All the not great things going on that are impacting folks.  I worry for all the ways so many and so many things may not recover.  As I write this I'm trying to think about the flowers and plants that spring up after a forest fire rages through a forest.  Who knows what goodness may spring out of this ravaging.

And I'm sorry, if it matters, if it's frustrating.... but...  comments off again.  I may have to do that from time to time because I sometimes feel your upset and your fear too closely and I'm trying to keep some distance for sanity.  And I am, I swear, I am trying to talk about normal things, other things *before* things, but some days this is all I've got.  And I'm taking what I've got when I've got it and not blaming myself for... whatever.

I don't want anyone to die.  At all.  The end.  Ever.

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

The Way Of These Things

In the way of these things... someone talks to someone who talks to someone and so I've heard things I am not at all surprised by but kind of wish I'd not heard.

I have purposely not spoken to my friend who's an RCMP officer, or my friend who's a nurse, not because I don't care, but because I have been told what they've been told already... and, well, I don't need to hear it again.

I have very limited bandwith right now.  No "spoons" as that meme goes.  The grand majority of my energy right now is going toward reigning in my thoughts and keeping them as close to calm as I'm able.

Sometimes I'm less able.  Sometimes I know better but I go and read the thing anyway... the article, the report, the account, the prediction.  Anything and everything out of the states right now sends me down the deep end.  Not that the deep end is all that far away right now... anyway....

I don't know what to share right now.  And part of me thinks that I shouldn't bother considering it as my readership is far smaller than it was in my so called "hey day" (you know... when I was actually dating and a whole lot.... happier?)  But I don't want any part in spreading what are essentially, sort of kind of rumours.  (Literally, someone telling me "I have friends who are city police", or "my friend is a firefighter in town X", or "my daughter is a hospital worker in other province" so not... exactly rumours, but people being told things "from above" and then passing it on and then it getting passed on... so... word of mouth.... kinda)

But people who are passing on their own bewilderment "My police friends say they've got a contingency plan for 16 to 18 months...." and they're telling me this because they have their own feelings around it and they have NO idea what a spin that thinking sends me into because anxiety and "the future" are bad bad combos.  Bad.

Because then I start thinking, well... what about... this?  And that?  And what if?  WHAT IF?  WHAT IF!!!!????  And no one around is particularly reassuring.  Or, that's not fair, the people that I'm talking openly with are... uh... Jason.  And Jason is not particularly reassuring.  At all.

And what pops into my head is the damaging statements made by a particular "leader" who assured his populace that this thing would be gone by April.  And I rolled my eyes at the time but I think there was a part of me that nodded and agreed and said, yes, yes, gone by April ok!  Well, we're less than two weeks away from April and it seems it's only just beginning.  And I could very easily let myself lie in a dark room like Kurtz whispering "the horror.....the horror".... and I do not say that tongue in cheek, I say that with the fear bubbling up all too fresh and real and so no.  I can not talk about months from now.  A year from now.  And it's hard to move forward right now with that anti-future mind-fuck in place.

What now, what now, what now?

No answers.

Monday, 23 March 2020

The Writing Of It

It's Sunday afternoon as I type this.  I was meant to go see Jason later today to watch episode two of the latest Westworld show but I think I will be staying home.

I'll be staying home because my chest is tight.  And this tight feeling and occasional desire to cough has me absolutely terrified.

Now, here's what I'm telling myself.  This happens to me regularly.

On and off, all year round.  Often, as the case is today, when the dampness sets in outside (we have had sun and clear skies all week and today it clouded over and rain's expected).  But I just don't have to ability to be calm about this feeling right now.

I think it's fair to say that over the years I've likely been carrying a small amount of hypochondria.  Not at all near diagnosable, just an over-knowledge of symptoms and a fear that I will get sick.  (It's a long story that involves childhood illness and hospitalization that my counsellors and I have only started to touch on these last few years.... also having grown up with a well trained nurse who taught me things that most don't know and that's ok...)

So a year ago when I'd get this heavy sort of chest weirdness I'd wonder at it, and then I wouldn't feel unwell so I'd not think much about it.  I did, at one point after a friend's sickness, purchase a spirometer (a device that helps you exercise and check on your lung capacity) and I'd often use it when I was feeling worried that I might be "getting something".

Fast forward to now.

Now, when a virus is rapidly spreading all over the world and scaring the living daylight out of many of us and here I am half convinced that I'm clearly coming down with it.  That I've obviously caught it despite my cautions and that therefore I've spread it to... who knows who... Jason most probably, and his roommates, and possibly my parents and now I'm going to get sick and possibly have killed someone I care about.

And normally when my anxiety gets over.... over anxious? like this I calm it down.  No, I say, you're fine, we're fine, it's ok, it's just.... (non scary thing) it's ok.  But right now?  I can't do that.  I can't.  I can't say "oh, it's just a cough with the weather change"  I can't say "oh, it's just a cold, it's just a flu bug" because I do not know.  Sure, I never really knew, I'm not a doctor, I don't... know things like that but I can't tell myself that because I don't know.  I really don't.

So I'm probably fine.  My temp is absolutely boringly normal, I don't feel anything else.... (but then I make the mistake of reading someone's account of contracting the virus and I think well damn, could be... could be...)

So... I don't think I'll be heading out this evening.  And I don't know if I'll tell Jason why, or not, or... I just....

I'm scared.  And I'm trying not to be.  Because the likelihood is that there's no reason for me to be.

It's just... hard not to be of late.  And not just for me.

I keep wishing this was over.  And that's something I'm going to have to let go of.  Because it won't be.  Not for a long long time.  Maybe not quite exactly... forever.  But finding a sense of balance is vitally important for me right now and I'm struggling with that.  And today in particular, I'm struggling with it because my chest feels a little tight and I'm scared I'll die from it.

That blunt enough for you?

(Updated to add:  I woke up Monday morning feeling just fine.)

Saturday, 21 March 2020

For Posterity


We've been asked to stay home.
People are being laid off.
Stores and businesses are closing.  Some possibly permanently.
The libraries are closed.
Events are postponed/cancelled.
We're not to gather in groups larger than... I'm not sure... 50?  Less?
Our border is closed to all but essential travel.
Schools are closed indefinitely.
Rec centers and gyms (and pools) are closed.
There are signs on the entry doors to my building saying STOP and talking about the illness and things. 
I drove somewhere today and the roads were far less busy.
The government is doing things to hopefully help.
People are reaching out to offer services online that are usually face to face.
Stores are opening early for the older and immune compromised to have some space.
People are recognizing the nurses and care workers and store clerks and so many more often more ignored jobs and roles.

This is scary.  This is terrifying (if I let myself go there).  This is... not something any of us have experience with in our lifetimes (that I know of or can think of).  This is new to all of us.  I have no idea what to do.  Many of us don't.

My country is closing down, my province is in a state of emergency.  I do not know what the coming days or weeks may bring.

We are hoping that social distancing will slow the spread of illness and therefore hopefully allow the medical system to cope... better?

This makes me think of a world-wide 9-11... that things may not ever be the same after that.

I can honestly say I never wanted to live through something like this, nor do I want to again.

I am trying to focus on the hope and the good and the fact that maybe we can all come out of this better, stronger, and more together.

The irony is that this makes me want to hug people even more... when we can't, or shouldn't.

We have no idea when this will end, or if it will, or if things will ease or change or be "ok".

I am scared.

I am trying to keep that aside and use the things I've been working on with my anxiety in general... towards this situation but it is really really hard right now.

Friday, 20 March 2020

It's Not

I was thinking about what I said yesterday about having a hard time with this and not really being able to accept things as real or something and I realized that that's probably because this is really effing not normal.

Like, I lived through nine eleven.  I remember that feeling of "what?" but also, not to be unkind, but that was an entire country away.  Yes it affected us here, we didn't know if the ferries would be shut down or if "they" were coming after us too, we didn't know anything, but this is different.

This is waking up to press conference announcements from our Prime Minister about closing borders (at least partially, but we won't go into that) and suggestions to stay home, and talk of financial aid for the businesses and industries and people impacted by this.  This isn't normal.  Nor do I want it to ever become normal.

This is reading about people being laid off and let go, small businesses shutting down for.... who knows how long?  Testing clinics being set up.  Help lines being overwhelmed.  Elective surgeries and dental visits being cancelled.  None of this is normal.

I guess it's "normal" that I don't feel like it's normal.  Because it's not.

And I guess I'm allowed to hate it and hate the feeling and be upset and confused that I don't really know what to do or how to "best" handle things.

Thursday, 19 March 2020

Not All That Well

Yeah... not doing all that well this week.

I mean (knock on wood) I'm well enough physically (for now it seems??) but the rest?  Yeah, not so good.

I'm sure my brain is kicking in protective measures as it does with other things I'm anxious about but that also means that there's a part of me that's sitting here really not buying that this is quite... happening.

Not that I think I'm dreaming or anything like that just, really not wanting to sit in the reality of this un-reality.

And I know I'm not alone in that, but it's really hard to get comfort from anywhere right now and I sure do feel like I could use some.

Wednesday, 18 March 2020

I'm Just Going To Say This Very Quietly

You can ignore this if you want or pretend you never read it.  This is something that bubbles up for me from time to time and then I feel it and then it usually bubbles away...

I am really upset about a lot of the things I'm reading about the sort of.... side? affects of this global situation.  The businesses closing, the people losing work, the people doing not nice things (hoarding and reselling) and how that's affecting those who can't afford to bundle bulk buy.  I'm so hurt by so many parts of this and that's such a major downside to being a "softie" or an empathic person or whatever you want to call it.  But yeah, it's not just the illness and fear that is upsetting me right now.  It's all of the other things.  I'm having moments of great struggle and difficulty with everything, and I know it would probably help if I stopped reading the news/media/social media (but I feel slightly "addicted" to doing so.)  

This is hard.

I wish it would stop.

Tuesday, 17 March 2020

Just So You Know

I think what also didn't help this week (certainly not with my anxiety and how I'm coping) is that I got multiple emails from companies and organizations around how they're handling things.

From a yoga place to a gas station to like movie theatres and everything!  As someone pointed out "this week I learned how many places have my email"  um... yup!  And it didn't help me to get those emails because it just pushed that button of "NOW THERE'S SOMETHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!!"

I grew up with a nurse.  If I haven't mentioned that before.  And she (my Mom!) always talked about cleanliness and cleanliness "protocols".  When I was sick as a kid she'd drill into me about not touching my eyes (face) and being careful of where those snotty tissues went (we'd have a dedicated throw away bag for tissues when you were sick) because they now have germs on them.  And to wash hands when you got home, and one of the reasons I shower when I get home at the end of the day is that my Mom always did after a shift and talked about washing off the germs!  So I've been in this mindset all my life.  My Mom taught me about the sterile field from when she was a surgical nurse and to wipe down surfaces and doorknobs when you had something so you didn't spread it.  For years, I've dragged myself off of my sick bed (when able) to wipe down handles and stuff so that those damn germs didn't get a chance to get back at me!  So... I've always been like this.

I wipe down stuff at the gym.  I wash my hands on my way out of the gym and I use the hand sanitizer.  ALWAYS.  Because I'm in a place with lots of people.  I strip off once I'm home from the hospital and shower off whatever I might have picked up.  I have hand sanitizer in my car and I use it when I leave a place with lots of people.  And so for me, to hear that we're all supposed to be doing these things now, there's a large part of me utterly confused because... we've been supposed to be doing these things all along!!!

Like, I'm not perfect.  But I have always tried at least.  And now I'm trying a little more (my dry hands will attest to that) because public health authorities are telling us to do so.

So yeah, the barrage of WE ARE DEALING WITH ITTTTTT! emails and my own confusion around "why now?" has been a great part of why this week was extra difficult.

I would imagine for some those emails were reassuring but for me, it just pushed "scared" buttons.


Monday, 16 March 2020


Ok, if you're like me and so done with reading about the virus-pandemic just skip this post.  And maybe some others.  I mean, I'd not be reading my blog once I saw it was about this (but maybe I secretly would while telling myself I didn't want to be doing this!)


What a stupid week this was here (in town).  Just... *swear word*.  Like, I actually want to use swear words here but I usually don't but that tells you my level of .... ARGH with everything.

It sucks sucks sucks having anxiety right now, let me tell you, because it is making an unusual situation REALLY DIFFICULT.


So at some point last week-ish, the health people announced that we had our first case of Covid19 on the Island.  Now, mind you, they didn't say where, they just said *waves arms around* here.  And it feels like everyone assumed it was their damn neighbour because the panic feeling rose in the city exponentially.

And if you remember, I hate that feeling.  I shop for Christmas in October and then I avoid the stores because everyone's all AAAAAAAHHHHHHH and I just can not handle that feeling.  Like *swear word*.

And so, this week I've started seeing folks in their full protective gear (masks and gloves and a layer of fear) for the first time and again I AM NO EXPERT but COME ON!


I'm really trying not to judge people and I'm reminding myself that everyone's going to react with a range of feelings around this but the masks are for those who are ill, or those with compromised immune systems I suppose, and they keep saying, and have been saying for a while "please stop with the masks?"

And I suppose it upsets me more than it should because it sets off an anxiety thing in me that is like OMG IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD and then I'm dealing with my regular anxiety (which is currently higher than usual) and this unnecessary anxiety because it's not like this particular anxiety is all that smart it just reacts, cave man style.  Like.... OTHER HUMAN IS SCARED I SHOULD BE SCARED RAWR.  And then I have to manage that anxiety on top of whatever else it was I was doing (buying printer paper and creme eggs, shhhh, I know, I shouldn't with the eggs but COME ON!)

So, yeah, then this week I found myself in a place of "well I'm not going into 'Christmas energy'" stores but I kind of need, like, celery?

And then I looked in my cupboards and thought "damn... they're a little empty" so I went on Saturday morning at like 8:30 am (I KNOW, RIGHT?????) and bought me some extra.... stuff.  Like I filled up on Oatmeal a little sooner than necessary and a few cans of stuff and well my gluten free bread was on sale so I bought two of those and then it's like... ok, what's happening now?

Because people around here... I'm not even sure they're thinking things through.  Why am I buying stuff?  Because if I *do* get sick and then have to stay home for an extra while, I should probably have some stuff I can heat up or cook for myself without having to go get groceries.  And I'm usually pretty good at having that around, but I got slack for a while there because... and here's the irony... I haven't really gotten all that sick in a long while (KNOCK ON WOOD).


I'm really really not trying to put people down, I'm not, but I'm frustrated.  I've heard tell of folks who have purchased a significantly large amount of toilet paper.  What are they going to do with that?  Will this not cause a dip in toilet paper purchasing several months down the road when people still are using up the rolls they bought.... let's be honest, without even knowing why they bought it at the time?

Like, I'm scared of this social herd monkey see monkey do stuff!

It reminds me of a game a friend and I played in downtown Vancouver when we were teens.  We'd heard about it and it was harmless and so we wanted to try it.  We stopped on the sidewalk of Robson (think busy, popular shopping street) and she pointed at something "up on the roof" level.  I nodded and pointed too and we pretended there was something interesting to look at, wow!  Very quickly others stopped to look too.  Now, neither of us were actual pranksters so we giggle and walked away pretty quickly but it was an interesting example of humans and how we follow each other.

And that's 100% what has happened with some of the "panic buying" of stuff here.  People hear about it and they think "hmmm, there must be a reason, I should do it too"  or "well, I don't want to run out" or... whatever.  (I mean, I said from the start, you don't actually NEED toilet paper you know!) And then people started posting on social media about it and the news talked about it and it just kept going.  I mean, I had enough toilet paper and I know that you can deal with not having toilet paper, and yet I still bought a small pack a week or two ago because a) I kind of wanted to be able to say I did amidst all the weirdness and b) I thought it might get crazy and so I should have some extra as a just in case people got bonkers and I wanted some.  So even me, not freaking out was affected by the weirdness and bought some earlier than I normally would have.

It's weird and it's frightening and as I've been saying to people, and people have been saying the same to me, it's not really the illness I'm afraid of, it's how people are reacting and acting right now!

I really really really hope that the anxiety and fear out there around all this dies down because I'm having a hard time with that, but my anxiety is afraid that it won't and that things may feel like this for a while.  I mean, at least shopping gets less crazy after the New Year.... there's just no particular date in sight here, so it's hard to know what to "look forward" to as a "calmer days" end time.



Saturday, 14 March 2020

Just A Day Or Two

I'm going to be honest with you.  The current state of the world and the health concerns that are happening have distracted me so entirely this week that I think I only barely noticed the time change.

The first day, the Sunday of the time change was brutal.  Jason even mentioned how poorly I was doing it as he saw me that morning.  I got up actually early (no real reason, I just was awake so got up) and it was of course way earlier than usual and my body just doesn't do well with that physically.  I won't detail the symptoms, but they happen any time I have to get up early (for a flight or an event or anything) and so yeah, Sunday was bad.

I've also had a few evenings of the dinner time confusion where my brain/stomach don't process how "late" it is because of how light out it is and well, that will just take time to get used to.  As always.

But yeah.  I'm struggling with managing my anxiety amidst all that's going on out there and so things have been tougher this week than in a while.

Hard to find a balance of cautious vs going on with life.  Like... I think I'm going to avoid the gym/pool for a while?  But I'm not happy about that.  And it could be over reactive or it could be smart and depending on whose opinion I ask I get a different story, so it sucks.

I'm stressed to think there may be a long while of this being what's going on and talked about and something I/we have to deal with.  The Doomsday scenarios that some are spouting are killing me, and I'm really going to have to try to figure out a way to get through all this sanity intact or else it's going to be beyond miserable.  I hate it.

But yeah.  Time change got a little bit overshadowed.  Er.... shrug?

Friday, 13 March 2020

I Feel Betrayed

So, swim caps.

Until recently, I had never in my life worn a swim cap.

If I was swimming and getting my hair wet, it was often in a place where I was then sitting next to the water in the sun and letting my hair dry.  Or, when I was a kid, I probably just didn't care.  Or I would swim and avoid getting my hair wet because it's long and thick and washing it and drying it can be annoying.

Because I'm having shoulder issues (again, another post) I'm not swimming "for real".  But I am swimming on my back sometimes (without using arms) and so I wanted to keep my hair out of the water, so I used a swim cap that was given to me and my hair got wet and I was like dang, that must have been a cheap swim cap I was given, so I researched and bought one specifically for long hair and I wore it, and MY HAIR GOT WET!


I wondered if I'd screwed up somehow, and so when I got home I googled it and you guys?  Swim caps don't keep your hair dry.  I HAD NO IDEA!!!!

I mean, yes, I'm aware that people who swim for real wear swim caps for speed, but lord that is not me, so I genuinely thought that if you weren't going for streamlined speed, you were wearing one to keep your hair dry.  I WAS WRONG!

Google has since told me that other than for aerodynamic reasons, you wear a swim cap to keep your long hair out of the filters, and to let *less* chlorinated (or whatevered) water get to your hair but that yeah, no, not at all about keeping your hair dry.

I can not tell you how confused I was by this information.  Swim caps don't keep your damn hair dry y'all.

There are some days where I come out of a swim where, maybe because I put my bun up higher or something unknown to me, my hair is less damp than other days but yeah, most of the time I come out of a swim, having done some time on my back and I have a clump of wet hair up in a bun that then needs washed anyway and so to be honest, some days I find myself adjusting my hair washing schedule according to my potential swim schedule because I'm going to have to deal with my hair after a swim anyway!!!

But, yes, one of the other things I bought to support my swimming was a good swim cap.  Even though it doesn't do what I genuinely thought it was meant to do.

Thursday, 12 March 2020


One of the things I did on a whim was start watching shows at the gym.

I don't know how I realized it but I discovered you can download a show onto the Netflix app on your phone, so I figured I'd give it a try.  Once I used up the show I'd been binging on, I downloaded one of those "Netflix recommends" shows that I wasn't all that interested in but figured I'd give it a try and worst case pick something new the next day.

Turns out I enjoyed this show but because I was "only allowed" to watch it at the gym, I would get home some nights and wish I could watch it but... nope, gym only!

Then I discovered some other shows by the same author/writer and so I started watching that at home.  And then the shows kind of started to muddle together a little because I watched a third, while still watching the first at the gym and they all were British and similar crime/drama type shows and for a little while my brain was like wait, I thought he was with her, no, that's the other show entirely, whoops!

Now Netflix is showing me all kinds of British crime type shows which I find kind of funny but I also don't mind as they're usually pretty well done.

But, yeah, having a "gym show" is kind of cool, and can help make the time go a bit faster, yay!

Wednesday, 11 March 2020

Years In The Making

Let me back up a bit...

If we remember, in January of last year my brother discovered some heart issues and cardiologists suggested I needed to watch out for a few things myself.

The big things they suggest changing (and really, all of us could/would benefit from these) are diet and exercise.  For me specifically it is to watch sugar, starch and carbs, and to up exercise.

I'm waiting to talk to a Nutritionist just to clarify a few things as what might be best for heart disease may not be best for prediabetes and so it's a little confusing. But I'm trying to reduce sugar and increase good things and watch others.

In terms of exercise, I've been working at getting myself back to the gym.  It has been less than wonderful in a few ways, most notably, certain parts of my body not wanting to do anything and so causing pain

So now that we've caught up a bit, it's time for me to talk about the pool, and swimming.

I talked about it a bit here, but I have sort of wanted to and meant to try swimming for a long time but have had a lot of .... "issues?" with it.  Back in January I made the big leap forward to reduce some pool fears and then at some point after that I actually got into the pool for a swim.

It was, for me, a really big deal.

Swimming is something that practitioners have suggested I do for ages as it can be easier on the body than some other forms of exercise.  And when I started to up my cardio, I'd get little injuries here and there and I didn't want to be set back by them but I also didn't want to make them chronic or serious so I wanted to throw swimming in there as a cardio option and so I did.

Now, I'm not like everyone, but I do know myself a bit better these days so I made sure I was comfortable and that meant me getting some things before I hit the pool.  It was a little bit of an expense, but has made the process easier for me so I'm glad I did it.

I got swim type shoes for walking around the pool (and not having to go barefoot), I got a "wet bag" to carry wet stuff home in, and after my first attempt at showering with soap, I got some liquid soap and a poofy shower thing and, I also got a swim cap but that's a whole other story let me tell you!!!

But yeah.  I've been getting myself into the pool and I'm really proud of myself for that.  I did have to kind of push myself the first few times but it actually helped a bit to have an "injured" hip or knee or whatever it was because I couldn't do the bike or the treadmill but still wanted cardio.

Not that swimming hasn't caused some pain itself and some issues around realizing I have no swim skills anymore and can't even breathe "properly", but I'm making it work.  And that's what counts.

I have noticed some improvement.  I wish I'd written it down but I swear the first few times I'd go in I'd get to one end, rest for a bit and then get to the other end and rest for a bit whereas now I'm not resting for the time I'm in there.  It's just weird because I swear it doesn't feel like I'm exercising or even getting my heart rate up, probably because I'm not warm or seeing/feeling sweat in the water, but when I stop and feel my pulse it's certainly not at rest so... I must be getting some activity, right?

Tuesday, 10 March 2020

Door Open

I have a little note pad on my table where I write down reminders of things I'd like to post about.  It's usually helpful but as I'm sure I've mentioned before, every once in a while..... not so much.

Like now. 

I reached over and grabbed the pad to find something to write about and looking over my notes I found "door open".

Door open.

Door open?

I have absolutely NO idea what I was talking about or what story that might be talking about.  Not a clue!

There was an open door?  The door was open?  Which door?  I've sat for a few minutes thinking.... my car door?  Did it get left open lately?  Nope.  My apartment door?  Nope.  Did someone open a door for me?  Maybe?  But if so, I have no idea who or where or why it was of note?

I'm not crossing it out (I cross out a reminder once I've written about it) because, well, I clearly haven't written about it and maybe some day "Door open" will make sense again!

I mean beyond the literal meanings of the words obviously....

Monday, 9 March 2020

Tick, Tick, Tick

If I'm honest, and if you've been here more than a while, we both know that this time change, like ALL the time changes will likely mess me up enough that I'll end up whining about it here because, well, yeah, it generally really throws me. 

Which means, if I can sit myself down and write some posts today (Sunday), we can have a week free of time change posts! So, I'm trying, we shall see how the day goes.... considering it's already "later" than it might be and all that jazz.

*Shakes fist at sky cuz ....ugh.*

An article came out this week that Yukon has decided this will be the final time change and it makes me slightly hopeful that we could be coming closer to no more ourselves.  But from what I've heard we're waiting on the States below us and, well I figure this is an endless domino effect that may not have a starting push for a while.  Sigh.

So, yeah, happy time change I guess.  Hope it goes ok for you! (And me, please!!!)

Friday, 6 March 2020

Go Marching

I realized the other day that as things warm, it's likely that the mini ants may try to make their way into my apartment again.

I think I managed to keep them away last year by watching for the early scouts and, um, making them not alive anymore and then wiping down where I thought they might have left a scent trail... if that's a thing?

I mean I'd be super happy if they just didn't bother at all this year but, hey... Spring brings its own set of things to deal with, just like every season seems to.

Thursday, 5 March 2020

Blank. Just.... Blank

I have a list of things I want to talk about or can talk about but I'm visiting friends right now and so that list is at home and I have been staring at a blank screen on and off for two hours now.  Not kidding!

I'm partly distracted by their television as I don't typically write with any noise in the background and I actually had to turn down the volume to even write this much.

So... um, yeah.... a non post but at least the page isn't totally blank anymore, yay! 

Wednesday, 4 March 2020


Obligatory I AM NOT A DOCTOR so don't listen to me.... but it seems I kind of bought into the current virus frenzy.

I heard from a friend in Hong Kong that their stores ran low on toilet paper and then I heard this weekend that a big box store here was low and so I looked at my supply of t.p. and while it wasn't terribly low.... I went and bought some anyway!  I mean, it was on sale so no harm no foul but I actually started laughing at the check out because the man in front of me was buying two packs and several packages of wet ones ("antibacterial" wipes) and the lady behind me was buying several packs of toilet paper and when I mentioned it to my brother he said "ewwww, does the virus come with gastrointestinal stuff too?"  Nope!  I guess it's just people concerned about getting quarantined and running out of toilet paper?  I legit don't know!

I mean, this is kind of an icky thing to say but if you ran out of t.p. .... um, there are other ways to deal with... things?  Maybe not as easy or normal but still!

Annnnyway.... again, I don't want to downplay anything because I'm not an expert and I'd hate to laugh it off and be wrong, but, I also wasn't on social media the last few times we've had this kind of an illness so I have no idea if this .... reaction (dare I say hype?) is unusual or what?

I'll end by saying I hope we all stay well, from all the things that could get us sick at this (and all other) time(s) of year. 

So, yeah... I'm good for toilet paper for a while, um, yay?

Tuesday, 3 March 2020

Well, That Was Weird

There must have been something off about that post I made yesterday that flipped my brain because I spent nearly half of Monday (yesterday) thinking it was Tuesday.  And not just thinking but like... for sure knowing kind of thinking?

As in, I searched probably four times to find out what had happened on a show that airs on Mondays.  And each time I was confused that it was... Monday?  When the day before had already been Monday?  But... does that mean it's Monday?

So, yeah... it was a weird day.  Repeat or no.

Monday, 2 March 2020


Ah, so it's a Monday you want, is it?  Well then... a Monday you shall have!

And so... it was Monday.  And people did Monday things in Monday ways.

And I, I realized it was no longer Sunday and so my time of sitting and hammering out some posts had passed.  And so here we are.  On a Monday, with no posts in hand and a good number of days until the weekend returned.

Oh, and just in case you needed *next* Monday to be icky...ickier?  We have a time change coming!  TA DA!