The Bumpy Path Part The Second

I've been trying to get to the gym for a long while now.  If you've been around here a while, you know it has always been a part of my life and health choices.  It got difficult post vehicle accident, but I persisted.  I had a hard time getting there when my mental health became unwell.  I worked with personal trainers for a while but that was hard to include in my limited budget, and since I last worked with one, I've not been into a gym.... at all?

It's something I've talked with counsellors about and tried tried tried to work towards with limited success.  It's been a source of frustration and self-unkindness for ages, which is not helpful, in case you thought it was.  I did keep up with regular "exercise", just not anything at the gym or anything I'd call significant cardio.  But certainly enough to keep me moving, and getting in some steps/activity.

I think it was around six weeks ago that I got myself back into the gym.  It was a combination of wanting to, and then thinking about my friend who has had recent surgery for her cancer and who is unable to do any physical activity at all right now and who would LOVE TO.  And I sat there one night and thought "I can go to the gym and I don't.  She would love to go to the gym and can't.  I should while I can."  So I did.

I didn't tell anyone, and I didn't talk about it because I didn't want to get any external validation.  I wanted to be doing it for me and me alone.  After I'd made it there a few times, I mentioned it to Jason to see if he had any advice for me on the stationary bike as he spent time when he was younger on a cycling team.

He had me try the "proper" way of cycling and man was it hard on my legs and cardio and oh my!  But then also oh my.... because I think I pulled something.  I'm assuming hip flexor?  And once that thing was pulled/hurt/injured it was hard to do anything... it would even get irritated when I used the treadmill, especially with any incline.

So... I booked a physio appointment (next week I think?) and I iced the area (helped a lot) and I stopped cycling, and I took advil type things and I rested the thing and now it's not bad.  But I'm going to wait to see what the physio says (I'm sure it's an issue of "other areas are weak, so we'll strengthen them) and go from there.

I also really worked on psyching myself up for some different cardio.... but that's a whole separate thing.  I'll get to it soon.  Probably?

But yeah.... it's frustrating to be trying to work with a body that's been lax for a number of years, and that is older than it was and that seems determined to hurt in not good ways right now.  Because I want to be blasting the bad stuff out of my body with nasty cardio (I hate cardio!) but I do not want to injure myself so... am taking it easy.... which is not the ideal, but sure is better than nothing, right?

Bumpy Path

So when my brother had his heart stuff last year, I went to my doctor and had her do some testing for my own heart (since my brother's issue, him being young, was likely genetic rather than mainly/fully lifestyle).  My cholesterol came back elevated, but not outrageously so, and so I worked on making some changes, mainly trying to eat better.

I tried to just really eat a lot healthier and better and to reduce my sugar intake (WAAAAH!) and watch salt and up veg... you know, sensible sort of changes.  I also tried to pay attention to the types of fats I was eating, but man is there a lot of cross-information out there and a lot of "armchair experts".

When I got the blood work results for this cardiology thing I saw that I had indicators for what they call "pre diabetes" which, like I said the other day, in simplified terms mean that if nothing changes on my end, my likelihood of developing Type 2 Diabetes is very very high.  So I was pretty upset about that.

When you mention diabetes to people (or pre-diabetes in this case) the automatic answer is usually "no more sugar!"  But I've also had several folks talk about Intermittent Fasting and the Ketogenic diet.  Well, intermittent fasting I've already been doing.  And I learned about Keto a couple of years ago, and it apparently has really strong positive changes for some folks.  But.... I think, in this case, my priority is likely to become my heart health and my cholesterol and much of the Keto diet (heavy protein and high fat) is not likely to be a super great idea for that.

So since I got my results back, I've been focussing on looking for carbohydrates in things and, of course, thinking about reducing my sugar.  I told myself that the day I had the meeting with the cardiologist would be my cut off day for "ridiculous sugar intake"  and so, yes, I've had a few Cadbury creme eggs this month (since a few stores have brought them in already!)

When I talked to the cardiologist, he said to watch sugar, carbohydrates, and starch.  Which is, I say half jokingly and half devastated, like... everything!  He said to stick to proteins and green veg.  "Fill your plate piled up with green veg!" he said and, well.... sigh.

When I started looking into eating better for pre-diabetic reasons, I started looking again (because it's not new to me) at the glycemic index, which the internet would like me to tell you is the "relative ranking of carbohydrate in foods according to how they affect blood glucose levels."  And so remember all my sorrow over hashbrowns not being as healthy as I thought?  And then finding healthy ones?  Well, it turns out potatoes are on the no fly list.... so.... yeah.  There goes a lot of things I've always really enjoyed.

Damn.

I think I'm going to ask if I can be referred to a Dietician/Nutritionist type person because I am SO not a food expert and really not great with food and I'm feeling like trying to figure this all out right now is a lot.  Nevermind my food issues and oh, shall we throw in the gluten thing as well?  Not that it's as huge a deal right now because a lot of things that might have gluten in them (like delicious delicious bread) are no go.

Sigh.

So, yeah, I right now feel like I have no solid idea of what to eat and if what I'm trying to adjust to is actually good or not or good for one thing but not for another or what.  And I still really want to eat all the treats and sugars and hey, did you know that slightly green bananas (which I've always preferred) have less... uh... sugars (?) in them than over ripe bananas? 

Sigh.

Eat a cream egg for me, would ya?  (And maybe a donut, for some reason?  Never been a huge donut person but now I'm like GIMME, probably because I "can't" have one... thanks brain!)

Bang Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

When we had the snow the other week, the day that lots of things were closed because of it (the overnight dump of a foot or so), I was chilling on my couch when I heard someone turn on the water.

It's something you get used to in an apartment, or at least I have, but you hear the running water of your neighbours.  I think I really only hear my upstairs neighbours but who knows.

So someone turned on the water full force to take, I assume a shower. 

And the shower was loud, and long.

Really long, actually.

As in, an hour or two later I started to wonder what was going on.

I put my ear to walls.  I went out into the hallway.

I even, eventually wandered the entire building but the running water noise was really only on our end/side.

After most of the day of this I started texting people... "uh... what does a broken pipe sound like?"  And most everyone said it was probably not a broken pipe, but that I should check for water around my place anyway.  So I did, and no, my apartment was fine.  No leaks to be seen.  Plus no change in my water pressure that I could notice and I still had heat and water.  But.... the water was still fully running... somewhere.  What should/could I do?

I sent a message to the manager person "hey, I know it's not a good day for this and I'm no expert but... maybe there's a broken pipe?"  I saw a few neighbours in the hallway who weren't concerned, but the ones above me had also noticed it and figured it was maybe the boiler working overtime in the cold?

Manager person got back to me about an hour later "yes, broken pipe, we're dealing with it." so I guess now I know what a pipe breaking sounds like?

It was an "outside" pipe that I guess wasn't winterized and I have no idea where all that water went or what it actually looks like when a pipe bursts and now that I think about it I think I'm going to go google that!

But yeah... it wasn't my neighbour having an all day shower... it was a burst pipe.  There you go!

The Heart Of The Matter

I tried searching for it with no results, so I guess (like I wondered yesterday) I never talked about my brother's health.... issue?  scare?  problem? last year.

Just over a year ago, I got a call that my brother was in the hospital.  He'd been having chest pains while exercising for a while and figured he should probably get checked out.  So he wisely did, and they ran some tests, found he had a pretty blocked artery and they put in some stents.  He was floored and devastated and shaken up but also glad to have caught things before a heart attack.  Especially as he'd had a friend die of a heart attack about ten years ago...

He's fine now, by the way.  Changed up his diet and working with a cardiologist and feeling and looking well.  But my brother is young, not yet fifty, and so he's considered "very young" to have this kind of thing happen, and so they suggested he be part of a study and that his family was welcome to as well as they'd like to figure out what genetic factors might have caused his issues.  So I signed up to participate and I just had my phone consultation with them last week.

Turns out my results (bloodwork type stuff) weren't... awesome and so they're going to send me for more testing and I'm to change my diet and exercise and if results come back one way we'll apparently take an "aggressive approach" and to be honest that's not really something you ever want a doctor/specialist to say. 

I've been working on diet and exercise anyway, but now there's a more serious need for it and it sort of feels like an "ok, not kidding anymore" kind of thing.  Sugar's going to be the most significant change for me of course, but it's also the most obvious, while the rest of the eating changes are actually going to be harder to figure out.... and in terms of exercising... well, my biggest issue these last few months has been easing into it so as not to pull .... all of the things! and end up injured and hobbled.  I'm telling myself it's ok to be slow right now.  That I can't go zero-sixty and so shouldn't expect hard core cardio sessions right now.  That right now it's about building habits and routines and building up strength and working muscles and ligaments and things that haven't done anything in ages and ages and not not not getting injured and sidelined.

But... yeah... I have indicators that I'm pre-diabetic (so make changes or the likelihood of developing Diabetes is very high) and I have indicators that I may have some form of heart disease and a likelihood of developing... uh... bad stuff?  (They're going to check for how much plaque build up I have in my arteries and go from there... sigh)  I'm not happy.  But I saw my blood test results a few weeks ago so I suspected this was coming and I've been trying to adjust since. 

I thought I was fine after the consult with the cardiologist but I ended up pretty miserable and overwhelmed that night.  That feeling comes and goes, and figuring out things around how and what to eat is overwhelming me right now, so I'm trying to be easy on myself (it's ok to be slowly adjusting, not going cold turkey overnight to some new thing I don't even understand) and I'm hoping it'll all end up being really good and easy and that I'll maybe even start feeling better as a side product.

It also makes me wonder how many people are walking around not knowing what might be going on in their bodies that they could change or should change, because I am not the stereotypical "hugely overweight, sedentary, smokes a pack a day and drinks pop all day" kind of person we usually think of as having these health concerns.  But hey, genetics gonna do what they gonna do, you know?

Mid

I turned a five this year.  (And yes, that means I have a January birthday, not that I'm weird with math and forgot it's only the start of a year!)  And although I purposely never mentioned my age when I started this blog, I'm mentioning this particular birthday because I think I realize I might be one of those people who is more impacted by "five" birthdays than by "zero" birthdays. 

Like, I remember when I was little, and I think I've talked about this before, but I remember thinking that by the time I was twenty five I'd be married with a kid or two.  That was the age that seemed like "grown up stuff".  And then I turned twenty five and had a bit of a freakout because I wasn't married and no kids and, well, I was scared of how old I was with "nothing to show for it" so it's like I had what some folks seem to have at fifty (?) at half of that.  And after that no other birthdays have upset me in the same way.... I think?  But it feels like with this one I'm determined.  Like, ok, I'm halfway through a decade here (even though everyone else is all like yay 2020, new decade!) and in five more years I will be (?)0 (30? 40? 50? 60? 70?  Y'all, what if I'm a 75 year old blogger right now?  Nice!)

It possibly also has something to do with my best friend being diagnosed with cancer, and Jason and my brother both getting very sick last year (not sure I talked about both of those....) and realizing that we're all aging, and that health can't be taken for granted anymore (not that it ever should have been) and so while it's less of a "now or never" kind of feeling it's more like a... ok, now.  What have I got to lose anymore?

Maybe it's nothing to do with having a birthday at all and just the confluence of things going on around me right now and where I'm at mentally and all of it, but whatever the reason it's here and I'm going with it.

Grump. Ugh

I keep waking up in not so good moods lately.  Like, grumpy, or sad, or anxious, or in the case of one day last week, utterly furiously mad.  It's not fun!

I can probably put it down in part to not feeling like I have much to look forward to these days, as well as some specific things stressing me out.  And "winter blues" as they call them... those too.

Jason mentioned the other day that he knows I've been depressed since Christmas and I sort of went "huh?  I have?"  but I suppose that's not too far of a stretch.  It was a hard one this year with the family stuff I only half mentioned, and I haven't taken the time to really process it or deal with it or even really talk to anyone about it.  (Although when I mention it to friends they all nod and say "yeah, it's hard isn't it?" so I know it's not just a me thing....)

I do try to beat those blue mornings when they come but damn if it isn't an icky way to start the day.  And if, heaven forbid, I have a poor sleep on top of that?  Well then we best just call it a day and not interact with any other humans because no one needs to deal with that!  Not even me!

Sigh.  *Knock on wood*  for good sleeps and happy, or at least neutral, mornings.

Last Week

So last week it snowed.  And more than just a skiff, which, to be honest, was all I was expecting at first, but then all the weather sites I checked started saying the same thing (and not just copying Environment Canada) and I thought hmmm, maybe it will actually snow!

And then it snowed a little.  And then they said hey, we're getting some more and we did.  I figure a foot overnight.  And I won't get into how little that seems to the rest of Canada and the States that get Snow (tm) I'll just say it was pretty and I enjoyed it and it kind of shut down the city for most of a day. 

I was happy to have the cold weather gear I have invested in over the years, including the snow boots I do not have any memory of buying but am glad I did!

I'd still like to get something with slightly better traction, I do have some things I can slip on the bottom of my regular boots but they're not as grippy as I'd like, so I ended up using the snow boots for the actual deep snow day and my hiking boots for the rest of it.  And, if I may gripe a bit, walking on the sidewalks wasn't much fun.  And even less fun once the temperatures warmed up a bit and things started melting. 

The snow's gone now, as of yesterday morning.  Other than the piles made by shovels and plows... they'll stick around a while making us all think it's Spring, when really, we're only just a month in to Winter!

I went out on the first small snow day and made sure I had.... you know, essentials!  (Foods that I didn't need but wanted and regular food for normal eating!)  As I said to one of the ladies at a checkout "if we're going to have weather, we may as well have chocolate!"  Because, am I right or am I right?  Heh.

So it was a quiet week and the snow's gone now and we're back to mild and rainy and I wonder if we'll get another snow this Winter.... we shall see!

Yep

We sure did get snow.  About a foot!  Or... about 30 cm.  Crazy!  I got woken up by a snow plow in the middle of the night and then I watched him box in a few cars, oh dear...

It warmed up yesterday but now they're calling for major wind (last night) so.....

Stay warm and safe I guess if you're in these parts?

I've been quite happy to have had things cancelled and wander the neighbourhood and then come back into my cozy place. 

Whoopsies

So I'm typing this last night (and posting it this morning...) and as I'm typing this it's been snowing most of today and all of this evening.

I went out to take a look and enjoy it and I took a couple of phone photos and a video and then I walked down the street and saw some cool icicles on a car and the pretty snow in the light and the snow against a tree and I took photos of all of those things, my one hand out of my mittens and I stuck my phone back in my pocket when a snowflake landed right on the lens!

When I got inside to see how my photos had turned out, I was only slightly embarrassed to see I'd not taken a series of photos but a weird video of said icicle and then me grunting to stand back up and swinging the camera up at the light and back around at the tree and whoops!  Turns out I was on video that whole time!!!

So, um, yeah.... no icicle photos for me! Heh.

(Also I have no idea how much will have fallen overnight so by the time this post gets posted it might be a snow day, who knows.... although they're calling for rain today so probably not!)

Sner

So, yeah, um, it snowed.

Which... super pretty of course.  I do love watching it fall.

But also, man, snow in this town is hard to deal with.  Mostly, in my view, because we don't get it enough for folks to be set up for it the way they kind of should be.

Like, I actually felt unsafe walking around yesterday because what snow fell overnight got either driven on (road) or walked on (sidewalk) and then that turned to ice.... because that's what happens most of the time with our snow falls.  And then there was a skiff of snow on top of that so it's like hidden black ice.  Which is frustrating to try to walk on.  But the people who salted or cleared their sidewalks make it totally fine... it's the icy parts that are difficult to deal with.

I've been lucky in that I've not needed to drive so far (we'll see how today and tonight goes) so that's a huge weight off, but when I was walking yesterday I actually felt like I might have been safer as the roads were pretty clear (for the most part) but the sidewalks were iffy. 

Anyway... I'm whining and complaining a little but it was one of those snowfalls... enough to be a bit of a bother, plus some melting and freezing to add that bonus ice that honestly does kind of suck.

I miss the days of giant dumpings that are just... snow snow and snow.  Those, combined with a couple of cold sunny days after are lovely.  But... still.  It's pretty, and likely short lived.  And rare.  Sorry if I sound extra whiny to those of you who deal with it for months at a time!  We just really suck at it in this town.... and I say that lovingly as someone who isn't "from" here... sigh.

Such A Weird Brain!

So I had a dream last night that I was out this morning clearing the snow from the sidewalks because Hey it snowed!!!! (in real life!!!) and because or building manager rarely does and someone reminded me last night that it's technically the law to do so for your building/home.  So, yeah, in this dream, I was out with this shovel brush (which I don't own in reality) and no, I'm not sure if it was a shovel or a brush, it was a dream magic tool and I cleared the sidewalks yay me! 

But as I was coming in, my building manager (woman) and another woman who was, in the dream, another manager and a man (also a building manager in the dream) were being escorted out of the building, the two ladies hadn't had time to put their tops on and all three of them looked rather disheveled and I was like OMG they were having sex?????

So, yeah... that's a dream that happened, I can't even?!

And yeah, it snowed and is pretty damn cold here today, and we shall see what the day brings weather and safety wise!

YOU GUYS!!!!

Look what I found!!!

They really do exist!  And now I have the giggles and a full belly.

Full Circle I Suppose?

I had to smile the other day when I realized I'd turned into my mother.  Or, at least, I'd said something I've heard my mother say come out of my mouth!

All the books I'm interested in at the library have long waiting lists of holds on them, so I dropped off some books and did a quick wander into the YA section looking to see if one of the last in a series I was waiting for might just magically have been there (knowing that was unlikely but still... a gal can dream!) and I saw a book by an author I've read before and liked, and so I picked it up, was interested enough in the premise to take it out and so I did, yay!

And when I got home and took it out to look at it again, I realized what a big (600 page) heavy book it is and I said "that's going to be too heavy to hold in bed!" and boom, there it was, me being my mother.  I can't tell you how many times over the years I've heard my mother say this and so it made me smile to have that very thought. 

Now it turns out that this book is actually kind of two books at once, which is, I think, what makes it so heavy and huge (and to be honest, I'd kind of like to read them as separate books and I kind of like one part more than the other, but I'm waiting to see how they tie together as the blurb said they would) and I've managed to read it in bed, but yeah, it's certainly not a one handed read and it does take some adjusting to get it read!

But yeah... I hear ya Mom!  (And thanks for helping me learn to love to read.)

Hashbrown Heartbreak

Oh man...  I got my heart broken by hashbrowns y'all!

So I kind of like hashbrowns.  Not the stringy things, but the little tiny potato things.  Or, if at a restaurant, I'm ok with the chunky potato square things, but they might be called something else... anyway.... I like em.

Whenever Jason would suggest we have breakfast for dinner, frozen hashbrowns would be purchased and I always think of them as a filling treat.  And potatoes, so healthy too!

With me working with later starting eating times with the intermittent fasting I've been needing to change up what I eat first off in the day, because having some toast and tea isn't cutting it.  I mean, it was never a great breakfast when I wasn't intermittent fasting, but with my not always happy stomach in the mornings I was always sort of trying to get something in while not upsetting things.  So when I started with it all I wanted something decent and filling and my brain said "hey, hashbrowns!"  So I bought me some and for a couple of weeks there I was really enjoying starting my day (mid day) with an egg and some hashbrowns.

I mentioned to Jason that I was a little concerned with having to fry them and he said "yeah, they're not too healthy but if you cook them in the oven you can do it without oil/butter" so I was like yay! and started baking them rather than heating them in the fry pan, yay healthy!

Jason and I were out getting groceries for dinner together one night a few weeks ago and I said something about hashbrowns and he mumbled something again about "not all that healthy" and I was like dude, they're potatoes, that's fine!  And he stopped, looked at me and said "have you actually looked at the ingredients???"

Um....

No?

Because I honest to goodness you guys thought they were literally potatoes cut into little tiny squares for my breakfast enjoyment!

Um... spoiler?  They're really not.

But I didn't know that yet, so I marched to the frozen foods department and I pulled out a package of hashbrowns and I flipped them over and I looked at that ingredient list and y'all?  I started laughing.  Because no.  They are SO not just potatoes.  They really are not.  And there I'd been happily baking my "healthy" potatoes for breakfast all proud of myself being all healthy and I had never once thought to look at the ingredients list and whoops!

So I kept breaking out into laughter as we wandered through the rest of the store and for the next week or so I'd half laugh, half sigh in despair at the loss of my break-fast potatoes, so yeah.... hashbrowns broke my heart you guys.  So totally.

Also... can't someone make me pre made little tiny cut up potato bits that I just have to re-heat and that are nice and healthy and filling?  With extra "healthy"?  Pretty please?

I See Progress!

I can not speak to anyone's anxiety diagnosis other than my own, so please, this is a reminder to always keep in mind that this is my personal experience and nothing but that.

I feel like I have had a good few steps (leaps?!) forward this last while with getting better.  If that's how to term it.  Man, I'm nervous to speak about anxiety because I am not wanting to make anyone feel anything if they're suffering and although "advice" is in the name of this blog that was never meant to be anything other than a tongue in cheek laugh at my own expense.... anyway...  So I did a thing this weekend that felt like SUCH a huge win for me and it doesn't even matter if no one else understands, I'm so proud of me.

The gym I go to, and have gone to longer than I've had this blog, hello! has a pool.  And I have never been in said pool.  Nor have I ever been in said pool area.  And this, as it turns out, it something that when I would, in the past, consider trying to swim to exercise, I would run up against and stop before I even started.  See, for me, not knowing things can paralyze me.  As in stop me from doing things.  I've never really liked new things and new situations but since Getting Anxiety (TM) (just kidding) it's been pretty damn brutal.

So flash back to a couple of years ago and I wanted to try swimming for health reasons and Jason wanted to get back into it as well so we drove out to the big pool (a drive's away) a couple of times but then he wasn't able to and I didn't want to go by myself so I stopped.  Which is kind of like... meh.  Shrug.  But the gym nearer me has a pool.  Which... never been in.  Or near. 

I've wanted to.  Considered it.  But it's always felt like such a huge obstacle for so many reasons.  One of those reasons was "ick my body" but I kind of worked through that at the other pool the other year... yeah so this is how I look now and if people are looking and judging well, meh... I don't have my glasses on to see them doing that anyway and I want to get some cardio in so here goes.  So cross that off the "can't because" list.

But the big one for me has been not knowing what the pool situation was like at my gym.  I mean, like... all of it.  From what was it like getting to the pool to what was the lane situation to how busy was it to could I wear shower shoes to is there somewhere to put a towel and just ALL OF IT IS SO MUCH AND I JUST CAN'T so I haven't.  For... ever.

About a year ago I sent an email to them asking about busy times and things but they never got back and I felt dumb and so for ages now I've thought "just ask".... like, just ask the front desk to give you a tour.

But then I stopped sort of managing to even go to the gym so... blah.  Meh.  Shrug.  Not a priority.

But I've been to the gym a couple of times over the last few weeks, and no I'm not talking about it because I don't want to do it for external validation I want to just surprise myself with doing it and being ok with it (and by the way I'm super frustrated with my body's complaints and seeming pain-injury-sensitivity stuff UNFAIR!) but this weekend?  I went in and I thought to myself, you know what?  Why don't I just go look.  It's quiet... I'll just... go and peek and maybe that'll make me feel better?

So I went, and I saw the signs about taking of your shoes so I went back to my locker and I took off my socks and shoes and I went through a bunch of doors and down a hallway and I followed the signs and, boom, pool!  I just kind of looked.  I saw some cubbies... I saw the lanes... and as I was standing there a lovely, friendly lifeguard came over and said "Hey, hi!  Do you have any questions?" and I was like YES!  I sure do!  I told her I'd never been in before and she said "here, let me show you around!" and maybe they're always this nice, or maybe it's just that they're expecting people for the New Year Resolution stuff but she told me where things were and I asked her about busy times and lane expectations (most pools have fast/medium/slow sort of lane arrangements) and it was great and then I thanked her and went back to the change room and man oh man am I proud of myself for doing that!  Because it's progress.  It's something tangible that I can say I did that thing that I've been too scared to do for a very long time.  I did it!  And someone might think it's a ridiculous thing to be proud of and all I can say is is that it's not for me.  I just... did it.  You have no idea.

But I do.  And I'm happy.  And hopeful.  And sure, at some point I may be embarrassed that I went (anonymously) public with this but f8ckit.  I did a thing I've been unable to do up until now. That's so great. 

Too Much Reality

I'm going to glaze over this one a little, so bear with me here.... but I don't feel like after this Christmas get together I can continue to sort of pretend (if that's what I've been doing) that my parents aren't aging.  Because of course they are.  We all are, if we want to get into that, but I just mean this year I really really noticed.  For whatever reasons.  And it has hit me hard and I think I have some mourning to do.

But I've been distracting, not so much delving in and dealing with it because it hurts and it's upsetting and there are parts of me that are utterly devastated and not wanting to face the truths.  And I can justify things and "well yeah but" things because they're not.... you know... worse.

Sigh.

My parents are actually really super healthy, and "young" for their age.  But I see changes.  And I'm sad.  So very sad.  And to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to interact with these new people.

Because it does feel like they're something that needs to be handled differently.  Somehow.  And I need to let go of what they used to be for me because I don't think they're capable of being that anymore and that's hard.  And I'm not sure how much of this they know and I don't want to point anything out that might hurt feelings and it strikes me that we often aren't aware of how things were until they change.... "you don't know what you've got til it's gone..."

Indeed.  And so it goes.

The Reality

Well, if you're like a lot of people I know, you'll have squeezed what you could out of the last couple of weeks of holidays.  With the few odd middle of the days off kind of days and what day is it today exactly.  There was a day this last week where I was ecstatic to realize it wasn't Sunday!  It was Thursday!  YAY!  And that was still weird, but ok.  I ran with it.

My anxious parts got riled up this weekend as the "return to reality" started to loom, but I'm probably not alone in having had that feeling.  I dunno, I didn't ask around.

I know this Winter has really only just started but I am wondering if I'm managing it a bit better (or if I should not have potentially jinxed things by saying that) because there's the potential of only so many more time change long long dark times left?  It might not happen soon, but it's more likely that it will happen than not... I hope?  And maybe that potential thought is making the shorter days a bit easier?  Or is it just my imagination?

I'm also maybe a bit more sensitive to the light in the dark and that's not a metaphor, I mean that on some early mornings I've actually been more able to see light outside than I've ever remembered before.... Maybe it's light pollution?  Maybe it's me waking up just a tiny bit later? Maybe it's the lights in the parking area or something, I don't know.  Maybe it's having a bit more control of my mornings and, well, let's not get far into that right now if you don't mind.

So it's Monday, and back to it all and break over and holidays over and I assume we'll keep running towards Spring without even noticing.  I'm wondering how mild our Winter here is going to be... and maybe by saying that I summon a cold spell, who knows!

Anyway.  I hope you're well and you got some rest and aren't feeling like you need a holiday from your holiday time. 

Happy Twenty Twenty... Two Thousand and Twenty?  Happy Two Oh Two Oh.