But Seriously

I yelled at a spider last night.

I was all settled in bed, reading my book and I rolled over and saw some movement out of the corner of my eye (thanks periphery!)

I looked, and there on my bed side table thing (what do you call the one with drawers?) was a spider.  A spider strolling along, NEXT TO MY BED, and also NEXT TO MY MORNING CLOTHES! (The clothes I lay out to put on in the morning)

"NOT COOL DUDE!" is precisely what I shouted, and because I did NOT want to get out of bed, throw something on, find a glass and paper to capture the fast moving little creature, I leaned towards it and blew really hard (think "blowing out candles") and rolled over back the other way grumbling to myself about "rules" and "expectations" and "we had an understanding".

But seriously... not cool dude.  Not cool at all.

Welp

I am not in a great mood today.

And part of me says "well then don't post, just wait it out til you're in a better mood, heck, you might even be in a better mood in a few hours!"  But then I might never get around to posting or I might be in a better mood but not up for writing and so blah blah blah here I am, grumpy and irritated and writing.

Ugh.

Part of my misery is from my body feeling sore and uncomfortable.

Last week was stressful for me - mentally and emotionally, and this is probably not all that related (but also maybe possibly slightly related?) but by Thursday or so of last week my body was hurting.

My back ached and my left hip decided to hate me when I tried to sit criss-cross, and I have been wondering if that's partly due to my body being less fit and healthy and the few short bike-around-the-blocks I did over the last week or two.

I'm thinking about the times I go to a physio with a sore X and they end up letting me know that the pain is from a tight Z and a tight Y.  Like, the whole "knee bone's connected to the thigh bone thing" but like literally because they really are all interconnected and a tight something leads to it pulling on something else and then that hurts and OMG just put me out of my misery already.

Despite wishing differently, I do not have a degree in physiotherapy or anything else helpful enough to instantly know what's going on and typing "sore hip why?" into google leads me down eighteen thousand different paths and I think deep down I know it's partly because I'm lazy.  "Lazy" being a pretty harsh term that I've thrown at myself my entire life, but still...

See, when I went for the little bike rides the other week or so my thighs burned.  And we won't even talk about the lung burning cardio aspect of it, just my thighs and legs burned and I thought "damn, I'm out of shape" and then I sat myself down and felt better about life because exercise and cardio will do that for you.

And then the next day I was like OW!  MY THIGHS!  Especially my left thigh, but like not just the thigh but like the side of it and that's an IT band but um anyway, OW, my thighs are SO SORE, but hey, at least I got some exercise, right, right?  It'll probably go away.

And maybe when I was 20 it might have, or maybe I just never noticed before but now?  Spoiler?  It doesn't just go away.

It FEELS like it goes away and three days of Advil and Tylenol (because I never really know which one is the right one to take so I just take one of each and cross my fingers) and some epsom salt baths and hey, no more pain, right?

Right.  Except then I walk to the bank and back and when I go to sit cross legged on my couch like apparently I do all the time without thinking, all of a sudden my left hip is screaming in pain and I have to... not.  So then it's three days of Advil and Tylenol and a hot water bottle (because it rained and was a little chilly and I still don't know if I'm dealing with inflammation or muscles so who knows if I should heat or ice or holy shit is this "aging"???? FUCK!)

Which takes me back to "lazy"above because when I do go in to see those physios they always always talk about stretching type things.  Here.  Here, they say, here are some stretches for that thing and watch your core and how you move and and and and um yeah, magic pill anyone?  No?  Crap.

So do I probably have to stretch out every time I get on a bike now?  Yeah, probably.  Even for that three minute ride around the block?  Yeah, probably.  Especially since the bike I got has no gears.... which means more legwork.  (Right?)  Well, plus I haven't been on a bike since the last time I was at Burning Man and somehow the stationary bikes at the gym don't count (probably because you can actually go easy on them.... see "stationary" above).

But, yeah, I felt pretty physically miserable all weekend and I know I could have gotten out and about and moved that body and I did a little, not knowing if it helped or agitated things or what, but yeah.  An emotionally taxing week followed by a physically uncomfortable week-end left me pretty darn grumpy and miserable.

(Plus I feel like everyone's out and about having lives and socializing and while that may not be accurate that's how it feels to me right now and that has a whole other set of unhappy feelings around it.)

Here's hoping talking about it helps.  (Helped.  Uh huh.)

Oh! I Forgot!

Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you from yesterday!!!

You know those signs on some roads that say "Your Speed" and they clock the speed of your car and if you're over the speed limit they flash (or I even saw one the other day that had a green happy face and a red angry face!)?

Well there's one that's on a street that I walk by when I'm going back home from "downtown".  Which, remember, I haven't done since lock down in March, but have done plenty of times over the years.

Said sign is usually flashing whatever speed the cars are going.... 40/50/whatever KM/h.

Well as I was walking home yesterday I noticed it flashing.  6.  5.  9.  6.  6.  I looked around... no cars.  No one else around.  Just me.  Oh!  IT'S PICKING UP MY WALKING!!!!  I AM A THING!!!!

I'm not really sure why it made me so happy but it did.  Plus then I had to google average walking speed to see if it was really picking me up or just... I dunno, malfunctioning somehow? 

I have to wonder if in all the years I've lived here if there has never been another time where I was the sole moving thing on that stretch of road and that's why this has never happened before?  Is this a "semi-lockdown" gift to me from the Gods?

Whatever the reason, I'll take it.  And whenever I walk that road again, I'll try not to be disappointed if it doesn't "see" me the same way ever again (but you know I will be!)

Managed

I managed to get my bank stuff done yesterday.

I was a little better prepared for it, both mentally and physically. 

I dressed better for the weather.  I went in earlier in the day (half an hour after opening) which meant the streets were a bit quieter and there were fewer people in line (I was actually the first in line outside when I arrived.)

Since there were fewer people around, I kept my back to the street (and sun) and kept my mask off until I got called in.  I also brought the pair of cotton gloves rather than the plastic ones.  (I might buy more.  They're awkward for things like taking a card out of your wallet but good for other things like using a pen or something... and washable and reusable... so...)

I'd also talked to the bank on the phone and they'd put a note on my file for what to do (as apparently it's not something they do very often - part of why I had to go inside to do it rather than doing it by phone or online.)

On my way back, I kept my mask on until I could get to the less crowded sidewalks and I took a different route home that avoided the "busier" street I'd gone down the day before.

I still didn't like it and it stressed me out and I was miserable and grumpy that morning before I went but hey, the thing is done, I did what I could to reduce my contact and to hopefully not accidentally get anyone else sick if I'm asymptomatic, so... that's just that.

I really really don't know how to move forward with life right now but I keep reminding myself to just focus on today and let the future happen when it's "today".  So... I'm working on that.

But yeah, that banking experience was very much not my favourite thing. 

Venturing

Last week, although I haven't made time to talk about it yet, I had a couple of appointments - my first in months.  Calculated risks, I suppose, and perhaps not wise.... but, yeah.

And yesterday, I had my first thing I had to do that I really didn't feel entirely comfortable doing.

I had to go to the bank.  It was something not doable anywhere else but in person at the branch and the whole thing stressed me out, to be honest.

My bank only has so many branches open right now so I walked to the one downtown.  That was my first anxious making thing as I've been avoiding downtown since March.  When I go out for walks, I've been sticking to places with not much foot traffic and large areas where you can go around people if need be.  Going "downtown" is a little different as there are far more people and less space to... space.

So once I got to the more populated part, I put on a mask, but my current "am not a doctor or virologist" understanding is that that does more to protect others than it does to protect me, so I still did my best to distance from people.  But that stresses me, to be that alert...

Then the bank had the distance line lineup outside, which was... ok, but sorry to whine, I then got hot.  I'd guessed at the forecast "30% chance of showers" and not dressed for hot weather and so I got a little warm, which, unfortunately, also bumps up my anxiety.  Plus I haven't been around that many people since the pandemic reached us.  So I was uncomfortable, but trying to listen to my music and go with the flow.

Once I was at the front of the line, I went to put on one of the gloves I'd brought (to keep my potential ick from touching their stuff) but because I was hot, my hands were sweaty and well, the glove got stuck like not even half way through and then I felt stupid so I just kind of tried to keep working it on and pretending like I didn't care that I had a glove not really put on my hand.  (Sigh)

When it was my turn, I got up to the plexiglass shield and I took my mask off for a moment and said to the guy "um, well, I'm taking it off so the cameras can see who I am" and he was like yeah, good, thanks or something, but I just thought it was the proper thing to do in a bank since, you know, not a bank robber...

I find it hard to talk through the mask and be heard and although he wasn't wearing a mask, it was still a little tricky to hear him properly but long story short, they weren't able to help me, so I have to head back today and I'm not looking forward to it.

I think that's part of having anxiety.  Or being anxious, since a lot of folks are finding these days more anxious making... it makes things that shouldn't be difficult a lot more challenging.

I'd avoid it if I could, but I can't and that sucks and I just wish my anxiety would leave me alone so I didn't completely overthink the whole thing.  (Like the bank has asked that the first hour... when I'd like to go... be reserved for the elderly and those with compromised immune systems, and well, I kind of have a compromised immune system but not seriously so so I don't feel like I should go in that time but quite honestly I'd like to not even think about it and either just go or not go and not care.  Sigh)

So, yeah.  I ventured out last week and it was ok, but my venturing yesterday was not my favourite.  Ugh.

Ooops!

Soooooooooo the weather has changed a bit this last week or so and I pulled out my phone yesterday to look at the forecast and man.... it was looking hot!  It was going to be like 27/28 by the end of the week and I groaned and tried to think through how I'd stay cool.

Later, I went to my laptop to see which day was supposed to be the hottest and I saw an entirely different set of numbers.... because you see when I was on my cell, I'd been looking at the dates not the temperatures!  WHOOPS!

Good thing I only told one person about the super hot weather to come, d'oh!

What? Where?

I had one of those weeks last week where I lost track of what day it was.  It was a busy week and that's the excuse I'm going with, but I was convinced it was Friday for a good few days and then certain it was Saturday and I distinctly remember waking up on Sunday morning all grumpy that it was Monday and then slowly realizing that no... it was still just Sunday so I could be grumpy the next morning.  So, yeah.

I also keep realizing how people curious I am.  You might say nosy but I'll go with curious.

Like, on that Sunday morning, I was woken up by one of my neighbours starting their car and going somewhere.  And as I half slept, realizing neighbour wasn't going to work, I wondered where they were going.  If it was the neighbour I thought it was, he drives a lot in gym type clothes... even during pandemic.  Is he going to a gym?  They were all closed for a while so where was he going?  I totally am curious. 

I have another neighbour who likes to bike, and I want to ask him how he stores all his bikes in his place because I've seen his bikes and they're not being kept in the bike locker. 

And then there's another who comes home "late" each night (10:30 or 11:00) and I keep wanting to ask her where she is and what she's doing and why she's so time consistent!  I just... want to know things, for no particular reason other than I'm curious.

And I don't really want a long conversation, I just want the info.  But I really don't want to disturb anyone or weird anyone out so I don't ask.  Not only that but I'm staying away from folks extra with the virus around...

But yeah, so many thing I want to know about people.  Like, so many!

Summer

We hit Solstice this weekend.  Which means Summer is here (and Winter is here for my Southern friends...) and my soul cries a little for the shortening of the days.

Yes, yes, yes, I've been noticing the long evenings.  The light in the sky at 9:30.. 10-something.  I love it.  I really do.

I used to half think that if I moved, I'd get days like this all year, but I realize when I think logically about that... well, no.  I suppose I could Summer in the high North and Winter on the other pole and try to push my long days as long as possible, and no, I've never been in those high North places where the sun stays up up up and people talk about the midnight sun.  I've never been anywhere but here, really, and I do realize that for many I am "up North" so there's that.  But I love my long days.

I still have memories of being a kid and going to bed because it was bedtime and seeing light peeking through the blinds and feeling cheated.  But hey, my parents weren't about to let little kid me stay up as late as the Summer sun does. 

But anyway.  Summer is here.  And I realized at some point this week that I will need to get that into my head pretty quick here. 

Yes, we had a cooler Spring and I was totally ok with that, but I have to start thinking again about sunscreen and hats and sunglasses and cooler clothes and heat.  We had some muggy days this week and ugh I do not like muggy.  But I more mean the hot days.  The days of pulling my blinds down during the day to keep the sun out.  The days of getting fans going and having to get used to that droning noise.  The days of sleeping under a single sheet and still feeling too hot.

Those days are coming and I hope for a decent summer, I really do.  I hope for clean air all summer and no fires, please no fires.  My idea, however, of a "decent summer" probably doesn't jibe with what others might want, so I suppose I'll say out loud I hope we have a kind of cooler, blah summer.  In part, so folks won't.... want to congregate as much.  Won't feel they're missing out on their usual Summer parties and events, I don't know. 

I still hear from that little part inside of me that says this isn't happening.... this is some kind of long dream I must be about to wake up from except not a dream just... not... real?

Why?  Why all this? 

Sigh.

Summer's here.  Always brings me mixed feelings. 

Perhaps One Of You Has An Idea

Ok, your guess is as good as mine, and you'll be only going on the vague babblings I give you but I'm wondering if you can figure out something I've been trying to figure out for... oh, a year or two?

Here's my vague babblings...

The neighbour above me (I'm pretty sure) has a thing that they use that makes a noise that annoys me.

Ok.  We'll start there.

I first heard this noise a summer or two ago and so assumed it was an air conditioning unit, but I never saw the "box sticking out of the window" thing so then I figured not.

Well, I've heard it again as of this last week or so, and I still don't see the box in window thing so I'm trying to figure out what else it might be.  Perhaps a fan?  But it seems to have a consistent Hummmmmmmmm rather than what a rotating fan might sound like.  But I could be wrong.  I've thought it might be the dishwasher, but that usually has a limited run time and also usually has water sounds, and well, unless they eat a lot, they're probably not running the dishwasher every night.  Right?

I know I don't have fans out right now but the apartment above me is probably warmer, so maybe they need it?

I checked to see if it's the building's laundry or drier but nope.  I'm typing this at 8pm at night and I hear the hummmmmmm.

I don't know much about air conditioner sounds.  Never had one, didn't grow up around them, so have no idea what I'd be listening for.  A fan I suppose makes sense, but I generally only hear the noise in the evenings (as far as I've noticed?)

I wish I could explain the noise to give you better guesses but it's like a ... uh... a low hummmmmm.  That's all I know.  It's consistent and constant.

Fan?  Or, air... thing of some kind?  What else might it be?  I'm not about to knock on their door and be like hi, can I please just come inside to look around and oh ok, just pretend I was never here, bye!  But part of me would like to!!!!


Edited to Update:  Ok, I feel like after I finished writing this the noise stopped, and now it's come back on again so I really really have no good guesses!

Mouthy

I often find that my gums are an indicator of me being at less than optimum health.

Like, the week before I got that cold, I had a really weird irritation of the gums at the back of my mouth on one side.  It felt like I'd gotten popcorn stuck down there and irritated it, but I dug around and swished and nothing ever came out.  It would be fine for most of the day and then flare up in the evening, and certainly after I brushed and flossed.  I tried to take extra care of it and rinsed with salt water and things, and I thought that if I did end up having Covid, it would be something I'd write off as a random body symptom or... something.

I wondered if it was stress related... somehow.  Like I am clenching more or grinding more and so it irritated.... just that side though?  Anyway, I digress.

Lately, I've noticed that my gums will get irritated, not all over, usually just in one area if/when I eat something not healthy.  Like sugary things will sometimes give me a sore gum area.  It's like my gums are my early warning system, like hello, could you a) not eat that and b) be healthier?  You're run down, yo!

But last week something weirder than usual happened and I'm still not exactly sure what it was.

I'd gotten a food delivery and if I haven't mentioned it already, my vice during this pandemic has been junk food.  Specifically, junk food I haven't eaten in years, or certainly not this regularly oh my lord!

So I'd gotten this delivery and was having a rough day (week.  month.) and so I downed some Twizzlers and a couple of Oreos (I know, I know) and followed it up with some Doritos.

I went to eat something else and noticed I'd burnt my tongue.

Except when I paused for a moment I realized I'd not had anything hot and so no, I hadn't burnt my tongue.

But my tongue felt like I had.  It was that same exact sensation and hurt in the same way.  I stopped stuffing my face with junk and went and rinsed out my mouth.  Sure enough, there was an area, including part of the tip that felt "burnt".  I went and looked in the mirror.  I had a "swollen" area that was clearly irritated that felt, as I say very similar to when you burn your tongue on a drink that's too hot.

I rinsed my mouth out a few times and then I googled.... without any answers, but I started to wonder if I'd had some kind of allergic reaction, and if so, what to?

My guess, honestly was to the Doritos as that was the colour my mouth was when I rinsed it out to take a look.  Plus they have that chemically powder stuff.  Double plus, lately sometimes my gums get irritated when I have tomatoes so... that's my guess.  Just not sure why it was localized to one area and why it felt like a burn.

I do not, not at all, feel like going in to my doctor right now and my dentist is still closed and it resolved itself, pain wise by the next day although the bump was still there for a few days.  But, yeah.  I'm curious.  And, no, I don't feel like Doritos anymore... funny how that works.

But, yeah... "chemical burn"?  Allergic... bump?  I have no idea, but my tongue did not like something, or... was trying to tell me something, and I'm willing to try to listen, for sure!

Laundry Room

I did laundry yesterday.

I know that's not really a blog worthy post (but hey, what is, really?) but laundry stresses me out these days, and it never really used to. 

I mean, sure, it was always kind of annoying, and meant a chunk of time and folding or hanging or sorting socks or whatever, but now?  Now, laundry delivers me an additional slice of anxiety that just, frankly, sucks.

See, my building has a common laundry area.  "Common" being the key term here, in our pandemic world.

Even with precautions in place... making sure no one else is in there, or has been for a while (assuming), and washing my hands, or even wearing gloves (I'm trying to reduce my environmental impact with the gloves and wearing them less.... and I suppose that's for another time) I still worry about being down there.  I worry about breathing things in, or breathing things out.  I used to do my folding and sorting and stuff in the room, but now I think I should leave soon in case someone else wants in.  So it's no longer just some mindless slightly annoying task, it's somewhere I need to be aware and mindful of touching things and surfaces and the air and others.

Not that we're that massive of a building or anything... my Mom is worried about her place and the older folks and the shared laundry on their floor... (I suppose I come by my worry honestly, eh?)

I suppose the reality is that everything makes me anxious.  Or, I'm anxious about everything.  Despite the fact I've been fairly healthy all year so far... as far as I know.  (A cold in January and the cold the other week).  I'm not doing a very good job at convincing myself to "relax" about this virus.  And that makes it hard for me to think ahead or to "what if" into the future (both anxiety producing things.)

Anyway... I'm babbling.  I did laundry.  It's no longer stress-free.  Blah.  But, hey, clean sheets are nice to sleep on... so, there's that.

Meep Meep

Jason helped me buy a used bike this weekend.

As in, Jason's been looking online for me for months and then this weekend we drove out to see one that was within my budget ($150 smackaroonies or less) and he looked at it and all I really did was take the cash out of the bank, so, yeah, Jason bought me a used bike this weekend and I just was the money person. 

Jason's a bike person.  I have a few friends that are, actually, and he enjoys fixing them or tuning them or whatever we call it, so he's going to help me fix up this bike a little so I can hopefully get out riding a bit more.

I have a bike already, it's the one I bought for Burning Man and it's a heavy, solid mountain bike and I love it, but I'm also kind of obsessed, anxiously speaking, about losing the spot for it in the tiny little bike lockup my building has and well, I just never ride it.  (Photo from either my first or second burn, at a "regional burn" which if memory serves, was from Reno, and possibly a wooden "facebook thumbs up"). 

I've talked with Jason about the bike I grew up on, a black BMX, and how much I loved riding.  You could just... go places.  It was freedom.  And we biked everywhere as kids, and I loved doing that and it was fast to get places, and it always just felt good.  And when there was an empty lot at the top of our street for... years?  (who knows) we'd ride our bikes around that and it felt like jumps and ramps and so super cool and I talked with Jason about all that and how I kind of thought I'd like another BMX.  So that's what he'd been looking for and that's what I now have.

Jason then showed me all the sites for customizing your BMX and um, well, yeah... it's crazy!  And fun.  You can get customized and coloured everything... You want a purple chain?  Ok!  How about bright yellow pedals!?  You can even get a coloured topper thing for the... thing that you pump the air in.  You know, the tube thingy?  Valve?  You could get one that's a die, or a skull or just, purple?  It's crazy.

My hope is that having a lighter, easier to manipulate bike, will have me out riding more.  Vs not at all.... that's the hope anyway.  It'll have to live in my apartment, which I'm not thrilled about (right now it's at Jason's so he can work on it a bit) but I'll figure it out.  There's no room in the bike locker, and bikes locked up outside around here get stolen so... just is what it is.  And I've told myself that if I ride it a few times, I can buy some customized fun things for it.  And if I don't, Jason says he'll help me sell it to someone who will use it, as he says it's a good little bike.

So, yeah.  Bike.  Me.  Hopefully using it and getting fitter and healthier and enjoying it.  (Safely!!!)

Something

It's Sunday morning here... I'm lying on my couch, windows open but blanket on and my hands are cold and a hot water bottle at my feet might be nice.

I'm lying here, laptop propped up so I can type while reclining and I know if I went outside I'd warm up.  It just feels colder here than it would feel elsewhere but I'm remembering last June when I had days and nights of miserably hot and I'm taking the time to enjoy feeling chilly right now.  And that's ok. 

I've been awake for about an hour and as I lay here looking at random, fairly upsetting things all over the internet I thought to myself... blog.  Write something.  So... "something".  There.  I wrote it.  It is written.  Ta da.  Do I win?

I remember when I met Jason and let him convince me I should join Facebook to share my art and photography and even though I'd avoided it like the plague (which, hi, I still am avoiding the plague thank you very much!) I thought I'd try.... for some reason, and well, I bring this up right now because joining Facebook is really what drew me away from following and reading blogs.  FB sucks up my time and energy, I'm not even really on it all that long, but I pop on and off whenever I am at my laptop (I've refused to put it on my phone). And it's like this weird "well what might have changed"?  Or "what might I have missed"?  "Notification yet?" and I know it's designed to have that addictive factor and to hit certain brain signals and and and and I know all that, it's just I guess I was thinking about how I understand why this site gets so many fewer views than it used to in its "heyday".

You know, when I used to write about dating.  Actually.  Like, when I had the energy to attempt it?  Before I started squishing myself into a space that felt safe but small.  Before Max, before Jason even.  At some point after them I hit my wall of awful and I really stopped saying much at all (even though in retrospect I wish I'd kept up the journalling aspect of it all, but hey, paranoia's a hard one to work through....)  I suppose I care a little.... even if I like to pretend I don't.

I often think about the folks who used to read and comment in the "olden days" and I genuinely wonder how they are and what they're up to.  I went chasing some of them down as best I could the other day and actually found the social media of a couple of them and I just quietly followed them, and I do, I do actually care about you guys.  Maybe it's part of my generation - we made friends, actual friends online and so I care about people who are real in some way but only ever appear via zeros and ones and over the world wide web dot com.

Anyway.  "Something".  I wrote something.  Now I have to deal with my cold hands and the open windows and I should probably have some water or something too.

Tired

So... yeah, I didn't have Covid.  Which is great.  But there's also a small part of me that I suppose kind of hoped I'd have it and "get away" with very mild symptoms and then maybe not have to worry about it so much?  Because honestly, I'm back to feeling like I can pick it up any and everywhere and from everyone and everything and that's just exhausting.

And then I feel guilty for being exhausted when I'm not in the middle of being racially profiled by police and I'm not in the middle of violent protests and my life is so much safer because I'm white and then that makes me feel even more tired.

Totally unrelated other than I just looked outside, and I am not really saying this out loud but I am totally ok with the cooler weather we've been having so far.

I know, I know, I shouldn't mention it because it'll jinx it and the heat will come but I'm taking this breather while it's here.

To catch you non-locals up, I still have all my winter blankets on my bed and the last few days I've gotten out a hot water bottle for time on my couch so yeah, it's "early Spring" type weather here right now.  "Chilly" and some rain and well, you know what?  With the days as long as they are, I really actually kind of love it.  I can have my blinds up for hours and hours, whereas on the hot days they have to go down after lunch and then I miss out on the light, so this right now feels perfect.  And I don't mind being cozy rather than roasting.

Le sigh.

Life is.... strange.

The Process Part 2

The day of the test I woke up super nervous.  As much as I tried to convince myself there was nothing to be anxious about, sometimes anxiety doesn't care and is like I WILL MAKE EVERYTHING SO MUCH WORSE FOR YOU, YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!  I cried a lot that morning, ostensibly about the injury to the older gentleman in Buffalo and the "response" to it and the lack of humanity, but as I said to Jason in a weepy call, I know that my stress over the test and my health was all wrapped up in the upset out of the states.

I distracted myself with whatever, and then that afternoon was the longest wait ever.  I really wanted to go early and just say can we please just get this over with, I know I'm not due here for two more hours but... please?

I digress...

So I can not speak to how your experience might be elsewhere in the province or country or world, so this is just my experience of getting tested here on the lower Island.

They'd asked me on the call if I was closer to one of two Island Health facilities, and I said I wasn't sure but that I was probably closer to the one not in Saanich.  (I really have no clue where the facilities are, well now I know where one is!)  They explained to me that I'd see white tents and I'd drive towards them and await instructions - even as to when to roll my window down.

The nurse had suggested I take tissues as I'd wand to blow my nose, and so I had my mask on, and my tissues and my water (not sure why...?) and off I went.  I was anxious, but I'd already used Google maps to double check where to drive and that there was only one way in.  So I got there, pulled onto the side street and cautiously pulled into what i hoped was the location, my mask up and on.

I drove slowly through the parking area and then saw the signage.  A big sign that said "private testing, appointment only" or something close to that and a stop sign.  I stopped at the stop sign (I am good at that, yay me!) and followed the arrows on the sign to turn right.  There I could see one of those white tent set up things and a few people and a vehicle ahead of me.  I stopped at the next stop sign, windows up, mask on, until a security officer waved me forward.  (I was a little early at this point, although I'd tried to be right on time.)  He waved for me to roll down my passenger window, asked if I had an appointment.  I did.  He checked his list, asked me my name and time of appointment and then told me to drive forward to behind the truck and to then turn my engine off.

The nurse on the phone had told me to keep my windows up until they told me to so I had my engine off and window up.  Then a nurse approached my driver's side window in her full PPE gear - cover-all gown type thing and face mask shield thing and gloves and my paperwork and swab thing.

She waved for me to roll down my window, and I had to turn my car on right quick to do so, then off again.  She said hello and asked me the identifying questions.  At this point, the nurse on the phone had suggested they might take some measurements (not the word she used, she used a professional medical term that I've now forgotten) like temperature and stuff, but the nurse didn't do that (which I think I only realized later, not a big deal.)  She asked me if I'd ever had a "nasopharyngeal swab" before and I'm currently embarrassed to say my response was a confused "I don't think so?"  Now, if you're wondering why I said that, it's because years ago I had to go to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor for reasons I no longer remember and it was a rather miserable experience including things stuffed (?) stuck up my nose so I honestly had no idea what he might have done at that time so my answer is... I don't think so?  Probably should just have said no, but I really try not to be dishonest or something, I dunno.  I was stressed, man!

She explained that it would be about ten seconds "up there" and asked me if there was a nostril I prefer.  This genuinely confused me and when I gave her a... uh.... no? response she explained that some people had a preference due to a deviated septum or something and I just kind of shrugged.  She had me tilt my head honestly not that far at all, really just kind of against the headrest and she asked me to pull my mask down but still covering my mouth and so I did that.  She said to just look straight ahead as if I was driving, so I kind of made a vroom vroom joke and pretended to grab the steering wheel I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS SO  NERVOUS Y'ALL! And then she said, ok here we go, and I closed my eyes.

I wasn't looking (see "eyes closed" above) but she said here we go and then a thing got stuck way up my nose.  (I'd seen the swab and the length and just tried not to think about it)  It was an uncomfortable feeling but for me the worst part was that I wanted to sniff or snort it out like you do when a bug flies up your nose that SNORT thing.... well I wanted to do that, as a reflex but knew I had to just... not.  So she counted to ten, and I kept my eyes closed and closed and just focussed on "DO NOT SNORT" and then she said ok, we're done and I opened my eyes and my eyes watered and I really really wanted to rub my nose and it felt like it was still in there!  She said oh good, your eyes are watering that means I got the right spot and I kind of thought that was both funny and REALLY NOT and I pulled my mask back all the way up and she thanked me for that.

I sat there, desperately wanting to rub my nose and face to make the feeling go away and my eyes watering and she talked me through what to do if I felt worse (referring to an information sheet she had given me) and when I might expect my results (1-3 days) and that if I was positive, public health would contact me, and that I had to be really careful going home not to touch anything etc etc.  She asked if I live alone, which I think simplifies their instructions greatly and that I just be very careful on my way home.  I showed her my "touching things" handkerchief and said I would be.  She, like the other nurse asked me to stay home until my symptoms cleared up, even if I was negative.  She asked if I was ok and I said yes, other than really wanting to rub my face.  She asked me if I felt worse or better than when I'd talked to the nurse on the phone, I said about the same, but no worse, and she said in that case I was free to go.  She said I could take a minute if I needed it but I didn't.  I just wanted to get away so I could pull off my mask and rub my nose!!!

Which I did.  I didn't need to blow my nose but I tried and, sorry for the gross, but it felt like I couldn't blow my nose because she'd stolen the snot from that side!  Ha!  It still felt kind of like the thing was up there even though it wasn't and, again, sorry for the gross, but it felt similar to how a pap smear feels (ladies?) but in the nose.  So a sort of very slight burn/pinch/awkward ow that doesn't last all that long but is not something I'd like to repeat all that often.  I called C-Dawg and then Jason and then my Mom and then I started obsessively checking for results!

I was relieved to have had the test over since it was quite anxiety producing to be waiting for it to happen, and now that I've done it once, if I have to do it again ever, I know what to expect and know that it's not all that bad, at least for me.  Not lovely, but... uncomfortable.  Not awful. (Your mileage may vary!)

The nurse over the phone said that the soonest I might get results would be 6-12 hours, but since my test was at 3:15, I figured that my sample might not even get to the lab before whatever their closing time was so even though I knew I'd not likely get results that day I still checked.  Sigh.

I'd signed up for the phone alert (from the CDC) but still checked the portal (I'd had to sign up for that too, it's an Island Health specific thing... shrug) and at about 10:30 the next morning my results popped up (super quick, eh?) and NEGATIVE!

WOOOOOO!!!!

I got the text about an hour later which is still less than 24 hours from test to result, so that was great.  (And, no, I'd not expect that in a super massive outbreak... let's hope we don't go there... sigh.)

I was relieved, of course, but I'd also kind of told myself that if I had it it would be ok since I was feeling not too bad, and then I'd be able to tell people how easy it was to "catch" since I'm being pretty darn careful and not doing much at all. 

I was, of course, also very worried that I might have spread it in the days before I got sick, possibly to Jason or the grocery delivery driver or the optometrist, but I guess had I been positive, public health would have contacted them for me?

I was also worried about my supplies.  I do have enough food here, but it was things like orange juice that I'd run out of and would have to ask someone to bring me.  Or ask the grocery guy to come again and then just not let him in the building and wear a mask and, yeah, I wasn't looking forward to possibly having it, and I was anxious that if it was a positive... where had I picked it up and what if I got sicker and what if what if what if, so getting the "negative" result was, phew.  A relief.

My Dad, a few days later, asked me why I'd gone to get tested at all when I wasn't sick and I explained it was honestly only because the app symptom checker and then 8-1-1 had told me to.  Otherwise I'd have just waited out the cold. 

The cold is gone now, by the way.  Not sure it was much of a cold... runny nose, feeling exhausted, drained and run down, slightly sore throat, almost more of a pre-cold, but still.  Enough, it seems.  Sigh.

They asked me to stay home until my symptoms cleared, and I think the relief of not having Covid made my body hurry up the feeling better process because two days later I woke up and felt back to normal again.  (Er... "normal", I suppose?  D'oh.)

But... yeah.  There you go.  I got sick.  (Not very.)  My public health authorities suggested I get tested for Covid.  I chose to do so.  The test was not comfortable but not awful.  I tested negative.  My cold resolved (about 5? days).  I'm relieved, but also glad to have been able to be tested.  And I'm glad I'm ok again and not spreading anything to anyone.

The Process Part 1

So, I'd felt very mild cold like for a few days, then I self-checked on the app, then I called 8-1-1, and they then asked me to get tested and so I called the local health authority.

I talked to a very nice nurse (everyone was very nice), and she asked if I was self referring and I explained that no, I was pretty sure I just had a cold but that the app suggested I get tested and that the 8-1-1 nurse had said the same, so here I was.

She asked me a bunch of questions, most of which I've honestly forgotten, but identifying info of course, and probably stuff about how I felt.  She asked me if I'd stayed home since the onset of my symptoms and I said yes, which I feel guilty about as I'd actually gone out for a walk on the first day of sniffles as sniffles often mean just allergies and, well, yeah.... (guilt!)  Then she said they could probably get me in for testing the next day and gave me the address.  I told her I was very very anxious about the test and she walked me through how it would go in detail - which I very much appreciated.  She also told me that she'd "had the pleasure" of the test the week before and that it wasn't as bad as, say the strep test as, in her words "there's no gag reflex" up there.  Hearing her talk me through how it would all happen really helped (it reduced my anxiety by a large amount) and then she brought a scheduler onto the call and she said goodbye.

The scheduler again checked my info and then booked me in for 3:15 the next day.  Both of them told me about how long I should expect for my results (12-24 hours for most) and that if I was positive, I'd be contacted by public health.

The nurse, by the way, assured me that it was unlikely I would be positive as we haven't had a confirmed case on the Island in a week or so. 

I appreciated hearing that, and once I'd calmed down a bit, it also allowed me to make a joke about how if I ended up being positive, I'd have "broken the streak" and ruined it for everyone!

Of course, if I had tested positive, it wouldn't have come from me, and seeing as Jason's is the only other place I really go, it would most likely have come through him or his household.  (I don't think he was impressed to hear this and told me it was probably from my laundry room to which I rebutted that I haven't done laundry in over two weeks!)  Anyway.....

Everyone I spoke to was really friendly and the level of detail they gave me about things were incredibly helpful.  (Like they told me the street address but also the cross street and said that "most people find it easier to use side street to get in".... well it turns out you have to use side street to enter, but if they hadn't told me that I would have been extra anxious trying to find the place!!!)

Sick But Not Virally

I got tested for Covid last week.

I know, that came out of nowhere, didn't it?  But yeah.  I did.

I'm negative, I'll start with that, and relieved to be so even though I was fairly sure I was. 

Anyway...

I am entirely sure that I stressed myself sick.

I have been having an incredibly hard time with the stuff happening in the States this last couple of weeks.  The ongoing police killings of unarmed folks, largely Black/African-American, and the resulting protests against police brutality and for Black Lives Matter.  I am devastated by the hurt perpetuated and by the deep amount of violence accepted, and last week I wasn't able to look away.  I kept reading about it and watching it and getting more and more upset and I don't even really have the words to describe it because I'm trying to be polite, and somewhat... neutral?  But I stressed and stressed and I ended up waking up one morning feeling sick.

I felt like I had a cold.  I was sniffly, and run down and exhausted.  I said as much to Jason and C-Dawg.  I vented to C-Dawg that I missed the days of having a cold and the only thought was "ugh, I have a cold." rather than wondering if this was the onset of Covid-19.  "Get tested!" she said.  "I'm not sick enough for that," I countered.  Because I wasn't.  I had a cold, and a particularly mild one at that, and I knew I had done it to myself with stress. 

I upped my Vitamin C and Zinc, I drank Orange juice, I rested, I kept up my water and fluids, I did all the things one does with a cold.  And... just because... I stayed inside.

The next day, I felt no better, and so just because, I used the Covid-19 app our province put out.

I'd used it when it first came out and at that time I got told to "stay home and manage symptoms" which is what I assumed it would say this time too.  Except this time, when I said "yes" to having "very mild" cold-like symptoms it suggested I get tested.

I was surprised.

But also felt it was completely un-necessary.  I had a cold.

The next next day I felt no better and I guess I started to wonder a bit.  So I called 8-1-1 (our medical call line), and I explained to the nurse there that I felt I had a mild cold but that the app suggested I get tested and that I thought that was totally un-necessary but thought I'd call just in case.

She explained that because some people have Covid with extremely mild symptoms, and some with none at all, it wasn't so much about me being sick, and more about public health being able to trace what was happening where, so yes, they'd like me to get tested.

She said that if I chose not to get tested, I would have to self isolate for 10 days anyway.  So I told her I'd think about it, and she passed me on the number for our local health authority to call about a test.

I'll be honest here and tell you that I panicked.

Not so much about potentially having Covid, as I wasn't feeling too unwell, but about the test itself.  I have some anxiety around medical stuff and health to begin with, and the idea of having to take the test and what it entails and what the results might be and I just panicked.

I think what convinced me was the combination having to fully isolate and what that all might mean, and the fact that they were wanting it done for the benefit of the public.... that kind of tipped me over into, ok, I should do this.... not so much for me, but for others.  Ok.  I'll do it.

So I called our health authority and, well, this post is long enough, so I'll pause for now and just, yeah.... as my brother said, I guess they have capacity to test more folks right now so they are.  And I am grateful a test was offered to me, even with such mild symptoms.

Ongoing

I just don't see how any of this ends.

I don't see how America fixes its race issues.  (Or Canada for that matter...)  I don't see how police forces are retrained or... however that's supposed to work.

I don't see how we're supposed to carry on "as things used to be" with Covid.  I don't see how any of that ends.... vaccine maybe?  Maybe?  And then.... ? 

I don't see how any of this ends and that is probably partly my anxious mind and a few other things and me being overwhelmed and too wrapped up in all the all of it.

I try to find hope, but I'm not even sure about that of late.  I wish I could.  I have moments of it.  But damn...  I don't see how an of this ends.  How do we rest again, in a changed, better world?

Drained

I am exhausted right now.

I was talking to Jason about it, he's really the only person I talk to about these heavy things, but I was talking to him and through tears I said "I am so tired, and I don't know how people this is actually affecting are dealing with it.  I'm white, I'm not even in America, there is no protesting or police militarization in my city right now and I am so f*cking exhausted.  How?  How are they surviving?  Why am I so exhausted when it's not actually impacting me??"

Jason said he didn't know how the folks down there are surviving.  We guessed... adrenaline?  Stress response?  It's awful to think about.  And he suggested that maybe I'm tired because I'm sensitive and empathetic and "all this" gets to me and I at least try to understand and, well, I still feel guilty that I feel this drained when it's not me.

I feel selfish and self centered and like I'm failing as a human.

It feels lame to say "I'm very sad." when the air around me is not filled with tear gas.

Disillusionment

I feel like I have to break up with America.  I feel like I have to let America go.

I feel like America is like a relative I love very much but they are toxic and have been for a while but I keep trying to work around that and forgive and focus on the positive.  Like the uncles you hear about... "you know you don't have to keep inviting your Uncle to family dinners when all he does is get wasted and spout rude, racist horrible anti gay things and makes everyone upset?"  Ok, but he's a good guy and he knows he should drink less and he has a good heart and when I was a kid he took me to the park and and and.... 

It feels like that.

Many Canadians have a close relationship with America.  Many of us grew up crossing the border regularly (I lived incredibly close to the border growing up, I have a friend right now who lives on Mile Zero which is essentially the street where you live in Canada and look out onto the States) and have travelled either to or through the states over the years. 

Over the last few years I've talked so lovingly about the people I've met in and around Burning Man.  The small town Americans who helped me when my van caught on fire.  The Americans I met at and through Burning Man.  I watch shows filmed there by actors who live there.  I consume goods from there.  I marvel at the beauty of the country and the interesting history of the different states.  And I cringe, like with that awful uncle, at the horrors over the decades and centuries.  But I've maintained that "but he's a good guy" sense.

But, but, but....

And then Trump.

When, during his campaign, he mocked a disabled reporter I knew that was the end of his campaign.  Because no way a political party would allow someone who thought that was acceptable public behaviour to continue to represent them.  But they did.  And I started to... I don't know... panic?

It's like that bad uncle hit his wife and I struggled to continue to find positive things to say about him.... in part because that's what I do... I try to focus on the best of people.  And... America, it seems.

But it feels like now I need to let America go.  To stop holding it in my mind as "good hearted", "means well", "just drinks too much"..... whatever the metaphor or analogy is.

America is toxic.

Part of me has known this for a very long time.  At least since I was old enough to know more than the surface gloss...

I don't know how to let go of toxic people.  I'm not very good at it because thankfully I don't have a lot of experience with it. But also because I hold on hard to that hope.  To the light.  To the shred of positive and caring, and America has a lot of good about it, and a lot of decent folks in it.

But I think, at least for now, perhaps for a long time or ever, I need to let the America I grew up with and formed a picture of in my head go.

And that's going to hurt.  Breakups hurt.  Losing the person you thought you knew hurts.

And I thought I knew America but I have to let go the version of it I made in my head.

I'm clinging hard, I know I am, to the good.

But I think I have to let that go and mourn the loss of what I thought America was.

No matter which side I look at it from, which angle... it is ugly and it is broken and I need some space.  I need to let go of what I thought America was.

Noisy Noisy Noisy

The building next to us put up a bird-scaring "kite" device a few weeks ago.

It was pointed out to me by a neighbour who was terribly excited that it would keep the seagulls away and I politely said "uh huh" and continued to watch the seagulls fly on by.

To be fair, I think they *may* have stayed away for a day or two, and I'm not sure I've seen the small birds I'm used to (but that also may just be seasonal as the berry bushes are flowering now.... who knows).  But after maybe two weeks the seagulls were back to their loud morning noises and, well, I hope they didn't pay too much for their kite?  Or maybe the kite isn't for the noise it's to keep birds off of their roof rather than "away"?  Don't know, not privy to that information but my neighbour certainly thought and hoped it would keep them and the noise away.

Fast forward (or, technically, reverse) to Sunday morning.

I was awakened, really bleeping early, by some serious seagull yelling.  Like just SUPER loud and SUPER annoying and SUPER early.  By the third round of this I finally got out of bed and looked up to see what they were fighting over and, well, um.... I've now seen seagull sex.  AWKWARD!

But, yeah, apparently seagulls mating are very loud, or at least these ones were, and they just didn't care about the "anti seagull" device so, you know that was actually pretty funny.

I guess I've now checked something off my list of things I never really needed to see. 

Loud, you guys.... loud and annoying.

Life

It's Monday as I write this (to post on Tuesday) and I bet that doesn't actually matter to anyone but me but there you go....  it's Monday, and I woke up ... something.  Calmer perhaps?  Numb?  Who knows. 

I think it might be in part due to watching the ending of the miniseries Waco last night and having a big cry over that.  A big cry over pain and loss and sadness and death and how much it all hurts my heart and soul and how much I wish I could fix it.  Even knowing I can't fix hatred and violence and racism.  But wanting to.  So much.

But perhaps that big cry is part of what let me wake up a little differently this morning and so in that vein, knowing what's going on in the States, knowing the failings of my own country, knowing change needs to happen so desperately starting with police reform..... knowing all this, I turn to the tiny stories of life, the little things in my infinitesimally small pocket of the universe... not knowing if I should, but doing it anyway.

Neverending

This was a hard weekend.

America has a police force problem.

On top of many other problems.  And yes, I'm aware of the problems Canada has too...

And it hurts to see the anger and division and upset and violence.

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help, or if I even can.  I feel so small and so.... useless.

I can't stop crying.