Oh, Look, Another Post. Probably.

Ok, so now I am attempting a "new look" photo post and I think the funny thing is is that I doubt they changed how things look on YOUR end, so I could have just never said anything about this and none of you would be any wiser but here we are.  TA DA.  

Oh lord that was a mess.

I know, I know, to you you're just looking (hopefully) at a post but for me, things froze while I was trying to upload said photo, which has NEVER happened before and I'm on a new-ish computer so it's not my system... And then trying to figure out how to place the photo wasn't intuitive and I legit have no idea what this will look like when I post it because hitting "preview" legit doesn't do anything but show me a page of garbledegook.

Now, Blogger has very kindly said in their blurb about the new look to please report bugs, but I have not seen a way of doing this so unless one of you secretly works for Blogger or whoever their parent company is and wants to let your bosses know this sh*t is whack?  Yeah... not currently impressed, that's for sure.

They've been, as far as I can see, running a beta of this for a while so either no one switched or no one found the bugs I've found or they haven't been able to fix them?  I know a lot of things are "covid delayed" these days but then wouldn't it make sense to hold off on a change?

I know FB - the devil's site has been rolling out updated UI this last while, while at the same time "not having enough staff" to deal with issues and reports and concerns so I guess it just is stuff I'm not "in the know" enough to understand why they're doing this.  (In other news, no one I know has kept the new FB update, which I'm finding hilarious but I'm sure many are...)

But yeah, not liking this new Blogger look at all, will give it a week and then if I'm still not in love, I'll probably revert to legacy for as long as I can.

Le sigh.  (She types, not even sure if this will post!)

Aaaahahahahahahaha

Blogger is finally forcing a new layout/look on us all and well, let's just say I'm not up for change right now, like... the world is stressing me enough can everything else just please stay the same for now?

So there I am, a few minutes ago, reminding myself that I can "revert to legacy Blogger" for another month but hey, maybe I should just get used to it now, eh?

And then I spent a couple of minutes trying to figure out how to start a new post so HEY it's GOING GREAT!

(Insert forced laughter here that possibly turns to tears once no one is looking)

So... here's hoping this posts, I guess?  Yay?  Because "preview" sure as bleep didn't bleeping work!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA!

A Long, Strange One

I had (yet another?) night of stress dreams.

Or at least that's how it felt when I started to wake up.  For all I know, as these things go, it could have been an all night long dream (not really likely) or a short dream before waking up, who knows.  I just know it wasn't a stress free night and the dream stuck with me.  So now it's story time, hooray!?

Ok, so in the dream, C-Dawg and I were in high school together and also in the musical together.  It was a performance night and after we did our scene together (I think it was the musical I actually did in high school) I went outside to have a quick break and to cool down (hot in real life too!)  I lay down on the basketball court and then noticed that a house was on fire so I lazily watched the house go up in flames and the fire trucks come to deal with it.  At some point I realized I'd forgotten to go back to do the rest of the show and that I had no idea how to get back into the theatre and I really hoped someone had been able to take over my part and so that was super stressful.  And then the dream (same dream?) changed a bit and my Mom was coming to visit at school and I was walking her through the gym, which was in the bottom of the theater (think of where an orchestra pit is?) and it was boy's PE time and a basketball unfortunately hit my Mom's head really hard and half her face swelled (swole?) up right away and I was trying to keep pressure on it (either that or stop the bleeding or give reiki, I don't know) and someone was calling 911 but they were a long ways away so I was sitting outside with my Mom on a picnic table waiting and because my Mom was concussed she took off her top and was naked and some guys thought this was hilarious (stupid teenage boys) and I did NOT and got mad at them while trying to keep pressure on her wound and get her clothes back on and it was all just NOT RELAXING.

Plus it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense but.... ok.

Monday, Monday.....

Well, I survived Monday's heat as well.  Pretty proud of that actually!

Although... technically as I write this it's Monday night and I've not yet gone to bed and seeing as I wasn't able to really sleep from heat Sunday night I'm a liiiiiiiitle unsure how tonight (last night) is going to go.

They'd originally promised the temperatures would drop today (Tuesday) and I guess a couple of degrees counts as "dropping"... if you want to be technical like that, and they did take down the "special weather statement" heat warning thing so.. fingers crossed?

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

Me, on Sunday, as a "heat warning" is put out for Sun/Mon:  ERMAGHERD I need to go somewhere with shade and water... proceeds to do so for the day.

Me, on Sunday evening:  Oh, crud, tomorrow's Monday and that means blog is needed but outside time means I'm all mellow and just want to have a shower and do nothing.....

Oh hai!



(Edit:  Monday morning.... it's a bleeping good thing I wrote the above last night as I am miserable and grumpy in a hot apartment this morning and have nothing remotely un-grumpy to say.  BLAH AND BOO!)

Not

I am not doing super great right now.

I know that may not seem post worthy, all things considered these days but I feel like I was doing better a month or so ago than I am right now.

I am actually hopeful that it's because of a prescription change.  There's something I've been taking for decades (I'll probably write a post about it) that got discontinued and the pharmacy swapped something out and said it was "identical" but I'm pretty sure my body doesn't think so.  So I'm hopeful that if I switch out again I might feel better?  I mean, there's a chance, right?

But my anxiety is extra high these days.  Which... again, has been for months now but this feels more ... not good.

Like I had a phone consult with my doctor about this situation and I was anxious as heck for that.  Now I have to go and pick up the new prescription and I'm anxious as all get out for that.  Like I really am.  Even though I've picked up there before, nothing feels ok right now.  NOTHING.

I have an in person type appointment in a couple of days and I'm terrified.  I feel like I can't win.  And certainly the heat doesn't help and the poor sleep due to said heat doesn't help and man oh man I just... yeah, struggling.

Anxiety sucks.  Really really a lot.  I hate it. 

Ambient

There is a massive difference in my apartment somewhere around 6/6:30 pm when the sun goes behind the building next to mine.  It is an instantaneous change and I suddenly feel like I can breathe again.

It also means I can pull my blinds up again and hopefully let whatever breeze/air in.  (I pull the blinds down on the windows that open for a few hours when the sun's at its most brutal)

Interestingly, it doesn't do much to the ambient air temperature.  As in, my thermometers don't change when the sun gets "hidden" but everything feels better to me.  For sure.

It's also funny because I wanted to say "the difference is night and day" but that's not really applying right now as my apartment is kind of the same temperature all dang day right now.

I debate going outside, from time to time and sometimes I do.  I've even gone over to Jason's backyard.  But then it's still nasty coming home to a hot, stuffy apartment.  I legit can't figure out if going outside to get cool air helps or makes things worse.

I think it helps in terms of headaches and such, but not in terms of .... I dunno.  Comfort in my place?

Oh The Joys!

This might convince you I'm weird (if you somehow missed that memo?) but hear me out!

Since I stopped shopping in stores in the middle of March, there are several things I've been unable to order online anywhere.

Toilet paper and paper towels being two of the most notable ones.  Most stores have had them as "in store only purchases" for months now, but on the last order I put in for London Drugs (a "catch all" kind of store out this way) I searched and discovered I could, indeed order toilet paper and paper towels! 

I was excited.

But also cautious.  I mean just because they said they have them doesn't mean they will/do....

I am not lying when I tell you I did an actual happy dance when the delivery arrived and there was toilet paper and paper towels inside!  WOO HOOO!

That only took four months to happen!  I now have an additional stash of paper towels and toilet paper behind my couch because I don't technically have room for them in my cupboard where I store those kinds of things, but hey, I got them online, YAYYY!

Yes, it's the little things sometimes.

Yes, I'm A Big Whiny Baby

Oh, y'all, it got hot this week.

I keep hoping this is as hot as we'll get this Summer, all while knowing there's still a lot of Summer heat potentially to come.

But Monday, when I woke up around 8, it was already mid twenties in my place.  And that's with all the windows open all night.... that was our starting point.

I put the fans on right away, rather than waiting for the "hot" part of the day, and I think it helped with my mental state and air flow, but my apartment was just under thirty degrees all Monday.

Even by the time I tried to drag myself to bed.  (Hard for me to sleep when it's hot.... waaaahhhh)

I even contemplated getting an air conditioning unit this week.  But... I don't have the money, and I don't have the storage space for the other three hundred and, what, forty?  fifty? something days a year when I don't need it so.... will just keep doing the best I can.

Drinking lots of cool water.  Taking re-hydration (electrolyte) tablets.  I even went outside for a while but it was one of those "didn't seem to help" days on Monday.

Part of me gets anxious in the heat.  Most especially the part that doesn't want climate change to result in more and more of these warm days.

I have learned over the years that my system doesn't respond as well to temperature as others' (a thyroid thing apparently) but I also am aware that different people living in different dwellings have different experiences.

I'm also fairly certain I have it better off than the apartments in the floor above me?  I've visited a neighbour's place up there before and damn... no thank you.

I know we're all different with heat and my friends who live in hot places roll their eyes at me and tell me they WISH for temperatures as cool as the ones I'm complaining about.

But hey... I'm still complaining. 

Le Summer... le sigh. You know?

Whoops

Well, I don't want to jinx it so let's pretend I'm not actually typing this, but about half hour after I finished that post yesterday the crows stopped their racket.

And um.... *whispers*... so far so good?

Like maybe my whining posts have power and I should try that with other things?

Um, I wish it would stay sunny and nice but that my apartment had really good air flow.  Or wait, maybe it only works when I really grumpily complain.  UGH THERE IS NO AIR IN MY APARTMENTS ON THESE DAYS WITH NO WIND UGH!!! I HATE IT!

(There, maybe that'll help?  As today's supposed to get temperature hot and "humidex" high and yeah...)

But um, yeah, the crow situation maybe, just maybe is over?

Probably shouldn't type that, you know?



Edit:  OH MY LORD Y'ALL, I am NOT KIDDING.  I pressed "save" on this post and less than five minutes later, CAW CAW CAW CAW CAW, I have blog-crow magic!  What do I do with this power!!?!?!?!?!?!


PS THE CROWS ARE NOISY AND I HATE IT (I hope they stop)

Also, I'm Irritable

Things were quieter a few months ago.

I mean that literally.

There was barely any traffic (as we'd all been asked to stay home) and you could HEAR how quiet it was.  A single airplane flying overhead was incredibly noticeable.  You'd hear a car now and then and think man, there's no traffic.  It was a little eerie, the unknown potential of this virus being the cause of this silence but it was quiet.

That, and it was early early Spring, so the birds - crows mainly - were less "yelly".  (They're so yelly right now.  On and on for hours a day.  I have to guess they're territorial over a nest and something's bothering them but damn...)

Then there's the fans.  My fans.  Electric, not, like... personal (ha, I made a funny).

It got hot last week, and while I managed the heat pretty ok, what was difficult was the lack of air flow.  I'm jealous of anyone who has windows on two sides of their place and can get a through breeze... what a difference it makes.  I remember (oh so long ago) going to my parents' place on a very hot day and their apartment was chilly.  So much air flow.  My place, I try to keep up with the coming heat but the noise of fans running actually gets to me.  Especially the box fan.  As much as I need it, and it helps blow air around, the noise grinds on me and drains me.

So I've had a bit of a rough week.  I'm extra irritable and the noises are noisy and I'm missing fresh air but struggling to get myself outside and I do wish the crows would hurry up and get over whatever's bothering them so.

Anyway... that's a rant.  Or something.  About missing the quiet that was.

A Difference

Right now when I go to my front door, there is a pile of things on the little table there that have never been there before.

There are gloves, both cotton (washable and reusable) and disposable.  There are masks, both "paper" and cloth, with N95s in a cupboard nearby.  And there are handkerchiefs.  Which I use to open doors and things rather than gloves, and then I throw in a bag to be washed later.  (I tie died some of them, it makes me smile to see.)

I mention this, because I look forward to the day when I don't have these things by the door anymore. 

And no, I don't go out much, but I have them.... was able to buy them in the last month or two (there was a rush on them in the early days) and I use them when I need to.

I know in some countries mask wearing is just a normal thing that's done when you're not feeling well.  And I know for some folks (immuno-compromised) wearing masks out and about is a normal thing.  And I know that in some jobs masks are a normal thing. For me though, they're not.  And it's odd to see that pile of things by the door.  And to know I have some in my car and some in my purse, and to think that it used to just be some in my first aid kit and some in my Burning Man gear.

But yeah, there's a pile of things on the little table by my door that have never been there before.

Photo of cute little shoes as a happy distraction.  That photo got titled "awwwwww!"

The Other Night

The other night I went for a drive to see if I could see me a comet.

(By the way, I keep reading the comet's name as MEOWSIE so.... that's a thing!)

I had a vague plan of where I was going but I sort of forgot and ended up getting not lost but lost in a part of town that's not somewhere I go often (Uplands, for any locals).  (I mean, not lost because I knew which direction the ocean was and which direction home was but more lost like I have no idea what street this is or where it's going and now the street is going sideways again?)

I went down to a place that until a couple of mornings ago I'd always just thought was very dark (not lit) but now have discovered it's a purposeful dark and this place is like a sky watching place on purpose, who knew?  (Apparently not me!)

I wasn't sure if it was gated at night (it's not) and wasn't sure if I'd see anything but when I drove into the parking area there were a ton of cars so I figured I'd come to the right spot.

Second "problem" was that I'd forgotten which direction to look but thankfully everyone out of their cars was facing away from the water so I got out, let my eyes adjust, stared at the beautiful array of stars, spotted the big dipper and then.... a kind of smudgy comet like thing!

I only had my glasses on, so no binoculars or anything of that sort but I still saw it and it was really neat to see and made me happy that I'd tried.  (I thought you could only see it early in the morning and, well, nuh uh to that.)

I felt bad when I got in my car to leave again because my lights were SO bright, but yeah, I saw a comet, even if just a little smudgy-like light blur in the sky it was cool.

Some Mornings

Mornings can be noisy around here.

No, I don't mean me!  I'm usually trying to sleep or nap-sleep or not wake up grumpy or see how much longer I can "sleep" for.  I'm the quiet one.  I mean more out my window noisy.

I've always slept with open windows, unless it's freezing freezing middle of winter and then I'll close them up, but I also started sleeping with my blinds half open a couple (?) of years ago when I found it helped me wake up - the natural light.  (Yes, I miss falling asleep in a very dark room but it's worth it for slightly easier wakeups.... I think.)

So I'm in lighter sleep most mornings than I used to be, which means I hear more things.  Like neighbours firing up their cars to go to.... work (I assume?)... but that's just a moment or two.  One of the more noisy things are the garbage and recycling pick ups.  Which, some weeks feels like every day.  (Possibly I hear them doing neighbours on other days?)  But they seem to come pre 8 am and the bins aren't exactly quiet as they get rolled out of our lot and onto the street and dumped into their trucks.  We have garbage, paper, compost, and plastics, so that's four separate trucks (I assume?) over a few days.  I don't think it's every week, I think it's every two weeks but I've never really tracked it that closely as they always come first thing in the morning. 

And then there's the birds.  Oh lord the birds.

The other morning it was a crow being as loud as possible and after the fourth or fifth call I actually looked towards the window and said "look, I wish you well with whatever's going on but could you please take your caw-ing somewhere else?"

I know it's nest season and baby season and most birds are extra ARGH! with it all but man oh man some birds can be so frustratingly noisy.  And often it's not the crows, it's the seagulls, although they have a tendency to be MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT birds... le sigh.

But anyway, some mornings are noisy around here, with trucks and bins and crows and some of us just want to keep sleeping until the alarm says it's time to think about waking up, you know?

Mmmmm.... sleep.... never feels like there's quite enough of it, eh?

The Way-Back Machine - Bring Bring

Way way back in March.... which is both a hundred years ago and just the other day, I was trying to manage with the fact that a pandemic was actually going to be a world-wide thing and was starting to hit my little part of the world.  I was stressed.  Highly stressed and anxious and trying to navigate getting supplies for what?  I honestly didn't even know, but the toilet paper panic buying had happened and I was both laughing it off while emotionally rocking back and forth and trying to ignore things but also stock up?  But, on what?

But anyway, in the week or two or so before lockdown happened (or whatever the hell we call it... when our Prime Minister asked us all to stay home and things.... closed) I wasn't yet wearing a mask or gloves (although I saw it around, and thought they were being weirdly over-paranoid...sigh) but I was trying to pay attention to not touching my face and re-training myself to notice what I was touching and then not touching my face until I cleaned my hands, and trying not to touch other things too.  Like my phone.

So at some point in March I realized that my phone habits were likely meaning I was carrying around a possibly contaminated phone (I would touch things at the store and then text someone while walking home and think "damnit, I just got contamination on my phone, ugh")  I'm not super great at cleaning my phone but I have, over the years, given it a careful wipe down now and then with a paper towel and windex.  But during March, I read a thing that Apple put out saying yes, it's ok to sanitize our phones, we wiped one down a thousand times with a Lysol wipe and it's fine.  So I went ahead and gave my phone a Lysol wipe down.  And that's when the "home button" on my sweet little iPhone stopped working.

See, when I'm anxious, I'm not as careful as I might/should be.  So when I read over the article about wiping down phones, it didn't occur to me to check what phones they were talking about... especially since I had an iPhone 5.  From...whatever, a hundred years ago?  I dunno.  It worked fine.  I liked the size.  Nothing was wrong with it.  I was never able to justify the price increase to get a new one when mine was working.

And then I killed it.  Because the 5s, unlike some of the newer phones are not water....proof, or resistant or whatever and I guess enough "lysol juice" just got into the wrong part and stopped it from working.

I was sad.

But also concerned, because, well, we were now in a pandemic and locked down, and it's not like I suddenly had extra money, or the ability to go look at new phones or anything.  But I do use my phone to communicate.  And it's a de-stresser, to be honest.... to play little farm-building games or whatever other brainless games I distract my anxious self with.

I probably panicked.

But I also quickly found a workaround.  An adaptive function built into the phone that allowed me to "use" part of the screen as the home button and I told myself I could work with that workaround... for... ever?

But I also thought maybe it was time to get a new phone (And OMG I just accidentally closed this window and thankfully Blogger must have auto saved because I thought I might have lost the entire post!!!!)

So I looked into the newer phones and I'd discovered a couple of years ago that my provider no longer supports the old amount I was used to paying, so any new phone would cost me more monthly, plus the amount of "buying" the phone over whatever amount of time and there were so many phones and SUCH high prices and I debated and hemmed and hawed for a good few weeks and it felt like a poor use of money but in the end I did decide to get a new phone.

I contacted my provider (I think I did most of this by email and online, with a couple of phone calls) and chose a phone and they mailed me the phone and I figured out how to put in the SIM card (it came with instructions, it was pretty easy).  The thing I screwed up repeatedly at no small cost, however, was putting on a screen protector and that's why I always get the people in the store to do it, but I gave up after the third and so have a slightly screwed up screen protector on my new iPhone.

Ironically, I haven't been able to buy Lysol wipes online at all so there have been no more Lysol wipe-downs of any phones.... even though apparently my new phone can handle it if/when I find some.

I was, by the way, bummed at the new, large size, but suddenly apps looked better and I found myself saying "Oh, THAT'S what this app is supposed to look like... gotcha".  There are no more crashing apps (go figure, eh?!) and no more "your storage is full" notifications and, well, I didn't need the new phone, technically, but it was a large difference between the two.... so many generations apart (I chose an 11)

But, yeah.  I Lysol'd my phone to death.  I still have it, it is my new "road trip music player".  I gave my old "road trip music player" - a 4 (?) to my parents as the one they had wasn't holding battery power and I put a new battery in my 4 for my solo trip to Burning Man in 2016.

And in case you worry about me giving things to my parents, as I did, I put them in a paper bag a week before I see them, then I drop it at their front door and they come down to get it while I go to the side of the building to wave at them.  (Still made me anxious to do it in case somehow I transferred the virus to them, but that's a whole other story I suppose.)

The Week At A Start

Life continues to be life-y, but I suppose the fact that it's Sunday as I type this rather than some time on a Monday morning (when this will be posted) means my week was a little less stressful and my weekend a little calmer.

I actually went for an acupuncture treatment last week, my first in many months.  I was nervous (as I am with anything out of the house) but I put my trust (as much as I could) in the protocols of my practitioner and I went.  I honestly think it has made a difference for me, possibly a significant one.

I found myself able to do things in the tail end of this week that have caused me massive anxiety these last few months and while it could be this reason or that, I think it's likely the acupuncture. 

When I was first diagnosed with anxiety, acupuncture was something I had already been doing for sleep, and so I mentioned it to them and ever since I've found it calming.  There were times when I wished I could afford to go weekly, and times I did go every two weeks.  I then stretched it to every three, and then four and for a while I've been going regularly every five or six weeks.  But with the pandemic and things shutting, I've not been for several months.  One of the two practitioners I alternate between seeing (they have slightly different approaches) re opened a month or so ago but I didn't feel comfortable going in then.  I'm glad I made this appointment though, and while I've said that I feel like I'm doing "well" compared to how I thought I would be doing without my normal treatments (in person counselling, regular acupuncture, some social contacts, etc.) the difference I felt post treatment last week showed me that maybe I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was.

Regardless, I feel better and calmer and I feel like I had the first good sleep I've had in months that night, and in the nights since.

I know we might lock down again.  I know if case numbers rise again I may not feel comfortable going to appointments again, but for now, I'm taking the win, and looking forward to my next appointment.... while honestly wondering if I should try for another sooner!

But yeah, for a few days now I've had a lot more mellow and that's been really nice.

Oopsies

I woke up this morning, realized it was Monday and that I had not yet set up posts for the week.

I knew this last night, but... well, to be quite honest, I had a difficult weekend.  A couple of big panic attacks kind of knocked me out of any normal routines.  And in less upsetting news, all of last week I was rather confused as to what day it was, Thanks Mid-Week Holiday day!

So yeah, here's a hastily thrown together post before I'm particularly awake... even though my phone rang an hour or so ago with "THIS IS VISA SECURITY"  Uh huh..... riiiiiiight.  *click*

Anyway, have a good Monday, please pay no attention to the me behind the curtain!

Well, Well, Well...

Well, well, well.... what do we have here?

Yes folks, that's a banana peel. 

My initial thought was "AH HA!  The banana peel bandit is back!"  But now that I'm thinking about it... it might be another culprit.

I mean, the banana peel bandit tended to leave their peels at the base of trees... this?  This was on a sidewalk.

The banana peel bandit tended to leave banana shaped peels.  This?  This is, as you can see, a "peeled" banana peel shape.  Almost comically so.

I mean, honestly, I nearly didn't recognize it for what it was.  Sitting there in the dappled light/shade as it was.

But yes.  It may, I repeat *may* be happening again.

Or, to be honest, it could just be a one off.  Or, I suppose, a copycat!  Who knows.  Strange days my friends....strange days.

And, Yes, I Cut My Nails After This

After waking up with another gauge out of my face, I've decided I need an adult sized version of those baby mittens then put on babies to stop them from accidentally scratching their wittle faces with their wittle nails.

Because seriously..... my nails aren't even that long/sharp to begin with!

July

And so now it's July. 

Whereas the world sort of stopped for a lot of us in March (and for other parts of the world even earlier than that), time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping (a la Steve Miller Band) and we find ourselves months and months away from March.  Somehow.

The days are certainly lovely and long and the temperatures are warm and all those other summer things.... everything's green, and skies are bright blue (when not cloudy/rainy/home home on the range).

Today is, in fact "Canada Day".... and I'm putting that in quotations for a few reasons... including the fact that it's a holiday when lots of folks still don't have work... plus it's a Wednesday, and also no gathering/celebrating is officially happening (or safe) and also for the last few years I haven't felt comfortable celebrating Canada... we're not a country without faults and poor historical choices and, well, it's embarrassing to say but it doesn't seem right to celebrate not being in America.... but, im, yeah...

So it's July.  Unbelievably.  And were the external signs not there, I'd still tell you it was Spring and that endless March we went through.

My neighbours to the South (America) are going through some incredible turmoil and the hatred and anger feels contagious and some people are joking at the horrors to come in July (volcanoes?  aliens?) and I honestly just keep thinking of "fire season" and the fear I've had since March of societal collapse and man oh man when is this episode/movie/book going to be over?

Happy July.  Happy Canada Day.  Happy Wednesday.  Stay safe, stay well, stay hydrated.