Tuesday, 30 June 2015


So you know what I think has been really hard to wrap my brain around from Friday?

The pretty clear evidence that a good looking, interesting, seemingly decent guy found me interesting.

Interesting and attractive.

Not because of a witty online profile, or a week's worth of exchanged dating site messages, but because he met me in person... we talked, got along and, well... he liked me.

Or, liked enough of what he met to want to get to know me more.

It's hard for the not so nice voices in my head to make anything bad out of that.

I think I might actually have to accept that I'm attractive and interesting and... well, that's not so easy on the bad voices.

They're not sure what to do with themselves.

It's been a weird few days y'all.

Monday, 29 June 2015


So, apparently I'm back in high school.  Or something.  Because I'm all wigged out and feeling awkward.

I sort of got kissed?

See?  High school.


I had a pretty bad day Friday, and told Jason I was coming over.  It was another hot, sunny Friday and after we talked and I cried (some more) he said he'd make us burgers and I figured I'd eat and then head home and crash and possibly cry some more.  (It was a really hard day.)

I had a small drink and Jason had a large one and then another large one and, well, "drunk Jason" is not my favourite person, but it was right on the edge of that when a friend of his came over.  And then Jason got very drunk (he'd pulled a 20 hour day Thursday and was running on no sleep and really should have been drinking water and not much else) and I didn't feel like I could just abandon him and his friend, who'd come over expecting some kind of BBQ party and ended up with a drunk Jason and a sober me.

But the guy was cool and we had some good conversation about art and what "punk" means and I offered him a ride home once I'd gotten a couple of glasses of water into Jason and sent him to bed.

He told me on the ride home that he'd been a little nervous and that he liked my energy and would like to hang out again and I said, yeah, he seemed cool.  He asked if I wanted dinner and I told him thank you so much for the offer, but I'd had a really bad day and just wanted to get home.

I said we should all hang out again some other time when I was feeling better and Jason was, well, sober, and then we awkward car hugged and he got out.

And then he leaned back in to give me another hug and it sort of morphed into a kiss and even as it was happening I was like no no no no no why is this happening and so I pushed him away but felt so awkward like ugh.... sorry, I still kind of like Jason and I don't think you know that and not that you're wanting to date me but Jason told me you're not long out of a relationship yourself and I wasn't expecting that and I don't really know why I leaned in did I just kind of feel like I didn't want to leave you hanging or something and holy crap I feel 15.  Maybe 16.  But not in a good way - in a "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HUMAN RIGHT NOW" kind of way and uh.... "I need to get home. Let's hang out some time."

Ugh.  You guys.

I guess I'm not so good when I'm feeling overwhelmed because I know I want to take care of me but I still somehow feel obliged to take care of other people, like Jason being not good drunk and his friend and, I sort of even forget to use my words because they get all jumbly because I'm thinking and sure, I kind of another day would maybe have had dinner with him and not sure what else or not and maybe it still would have been awkward or had an uncomfortable moment, I don't know the guy, I don't know anything about him, but see, I'm not in high school.  For better or for worse I'm more cautious, and I have more going on in my life.  And being an adult is weird.

It was easier somehow when people lived at home and if they wanted you to come hang out you knew you'd have to deal with parents and so it'd just be all very pc.

Blah.  Gah.  Ugh.



Friday, 26 June 2015


The mosquitoes are bad right now.

And I say that because I'm surprised.  I see mosquitoes as a wet weather thing.... a Fall thing, not a hot, dry, sunny late Spring, early Summer thing.  It's weird.

But I'm seeing them everywhere.  And they love me.

I must smell delicious and the problem with that is I'm very reactive to them.

As in, super bad itch and swelling and days of it.

It got so bad this week that I had to go to medical at work and ask if they had something stronger for the itch (two on my hand and arm that were huge and swollen and itchy) because the cream wasn't working.  They gave me benadryl.

Which I forgot about until I was practically falling asleep at lunch and couldn't figure out why and then my brain (in slow motion) went ... oh... right... I took benadryl.  Guess it wasn't non drowsy.

But, yeah.  I've been chomped alive this week.

It's not so good.

Thursday, 25 June 2015


I am so utterly exhausted.

I've woken up every day this week so far thinking "thank goodness it's Friday."

And it hasn't been.

Still isn't.

I started bawling last night when C-Dawg texted me to tell me she'd bought me a bag of chips as a treat for lunch tomorrow.

Bawling.  Because someone did something nice for me. 

And I'm that tired.  Drained.  Exhausted.


Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Ho Ho Howdy Sunshine!

I feel like right now is the Summer equivalent of the "there's so much going on!" madness that is Christmas and New Years.

This Sunday alone there was Father's Day walks and events, and a "car free" event downtown and Jazz Fest and I'm sure a huge number of other things but I only managed to get myself to one.

Oh, and it was the longest day of the year!

And super hot and sunny.

But, yeah.  I could have wandered downtown and been part of Jazz Fest and the Car Free stuff but I did a 5 K walk in the morning with my Dad and didn't really think through hydrating myself and forgot a hat and so I just wanted to stay indoors and rest and re-hydrate for most of the rest of Sunday!

But, yeah, there's so much going on and it's hard enough to keep up with what all is offered never mind get to it, plus the things that aren't main events but are still happening, yikes!

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

On Books and Covers

There's this certain thing I see that I'm trying to wrap my head around and you'll have to excuse me because I'm not thinking before I type, I'm just typing, and sometimes that can be good and sometimes nothing ends up making any more sense than when it was in my head.

I've spent some time, the last weekend or two, going with Jason to take photographs of some groups/communities of people I wouldn't consider myself a part of.  And that's a whole other story of my nerves and worries but it, combined with gearing up for Burning Man, has me thinking about dress, and how these sort of sub cultures, or whatever you're supposed to call it have their uniforms.  For lack of a better term.

And it's how we call out to each other.  "Hey.  See?  I like the same things you do.  I probably value similar things to you, but for sure, I like what goes along with the people who wear what I'm wearing."  And it's perhaps how we keep ourselves safe.  And keep others away.

And it frustrates me.

It frustrates me because I see a lot of groups who talk about how they're accepting of anyone and everyone and then they're not.

Because if I show up to your event in my plain outfit, I don't look like you.  I don't get a visual scan of approval.  Sure, I can "earn" my way in by being myself, turning out to be a cool/nice/interesting/whatever person, but I'm not "in."

And I know these groups all say that's not how it works, but as an outsider it sure feels like it.

I mean, name yourself a group.  And think about what style or type of dress you'd associate with them.  What outfit?  What gear?  Accessories?  Colours maybe even?

I was explaining to Jason that it happens just the same at Burning Man.  Or at least it feels to me that it does.

If you're interested in the electronic I don't even know the correct term EDM? (electronic dance music, yes?) music you have your styles, your fashions, and sure, I could go see those DJs or performances in my plain white t-shirt and plain jeans, but I'm somehow "not getting it."

Or the peace loving, yoga doing, love and accept everyone type of folk have their gear.  Their style.  Their way of indicating to each other here... here I am, and I'm one of you.  We can be comfortable with each other.

Which is frustrating.  Because I just want to be seen for who I am, not how I've chosen to dress myself.  Because, at Burning Man, for example, I don't have the "earth child" gear, or the "mad max" gear (which, oh man, I bet there'll be an extra ton of it this year) and let's be honest, I don't even really have the "wear whatever you want to represent who you are inside" because I feel like I have to look a certain way and I don't know what that way is and I don't know how to find those items and I don't know if they'd suit me and I don't know how they'd feel in August in the desert in Nevada.

But it's the same here.  Jason took me to an event this weekend where he knew everyone.  It was a music show and he talked about how these folks were all very open and accepting and you just had to be cool and you'd be accepted and I said before we went that that's not how it works.  Humans don't work that way.  Sub groupings of humans don't work that way and we talked the other night and he said, yeah, I was watching and maybe we're not as accepting of anyone/everyone as I thought.

No, you're not, because if you were, you wouldn't take so much care in how you present yourselves.  You wouldn't feel the need to look a certain way to "represent."

I'm sure there are sociological studies around this.  I'm sure I'm not the first person to notice/experience it.  And I'm sure that sometimes the exclusion is accidental.  After all, you are a group of people getting together to share and celebrate something you all love, and the advertising of that love most often shows up in the way we decorate ourselves by dress, hair, makeup, etc.

But man it upsets me.  Because I want to go get drunk with those Mad Max hardcore flame throwing dusty guys.  And I want to have sweet, loving, humans are awesome hugs with the hippy yoga earth loving people.  And I see their eyes pass over me because I don't look the way "they" do.

Which, I suppose begs the question, how do *I* look?

And not to fit in with anyone, but to feel how I feel inside me, do I have to wear particular things to show my allegiance?  To show that I'd be more into staring at the stars than going to an electronic music dance party?  Is it necessary to visually shout out to people at Burning Man who I align with?

It may be.  Sort of.

But what about the rest of the time.

Did I think about what I would wear when Jason took me to shoot these events?  You bet your bottom dollar I did.  But I didn't try to imitate or fit in.  I tried to be neutral, with perhaps a slight hint.

When I'm here, I just want to be comfortable and look good.  When I'm in Black Rock City?  I want to feel like I'm me, and that I look good, and some other complicated things that I don't really know how to explain or even quite yet understand.

But yeah.  The whole "don't judge a book by its cover"?

Can we just admit that we fully do?

Monday, 22 June 2015


I was driving home from a Father's Day thing with my Dad yesterday when I realized I had forgotten it was Monday today.

Like, I was driving along thinking, hmm, when I'm back at work on Monday blah blah blah and in a couple of days or so when I'm back at work, and then I went.... wait... hang on.  It's Sunday.

Which means tomorrow is Monday.  It's not some magical extra long weekend and it's not holiday time and, well, boo.

Boo, I say.

Somehow I thought I had a lot more time to do nothing much.

Saturday, 20 June 2015


I guess it really is almost for reals now Summer, eh?

Would that we could keep these long, sunny days all year round.

I'd even consider trading some grey rainy days if the length of them was how the days are now.

So, happy Summer to most of us and happy Fall to the rest.

So far so good over here.


Friday, 19 June 2015

Le Sigh

This last week, I've been semi frustrated with myself, which makes me even more frustrated, which doesn't even make sense but yeah.

What's happened is that I get home, do whatever, and then around 6ish I'm exhausted.  Like, "let's go to bed now" kind of exhausted.

But... I tell myself that it's far too early and I'll never sleep that long anyway and so I make myself eat and then I find something to do or usually a show to watch and then all this week before I know it?  It's nearly midnight.

Which means I'm waking up tired and wishing I could just stay asleep.

I'm confused as to why I seem to keep doing this and as to why my body seems to want to go to bed around dinner time.

Maybe that's part of it?  Maybe I should try eating earlier?

Anyway.... wishing I could figure out what it is my brain is thinking this week.

Thursday, 18 June 2015

Random Story Number A Thousand

Last year, I let myself splurge and bought two necklaces for Burning Man.

I thought they'd be super cool as they were made with special electrical wiring and the "gems" at the front glowed.  Or, I suppose, were lit, is more accurate.

I didn't get much wear out of them last year as the wires were tricky and kept crossing and shorting out and were difficult to store and the battery pack was heavy and, well, things that have issues on playa?  Just not worth it.

I made a plan to get some beads and cover the wires to make the necklace a little easier to wear and last weekend I finally made my way to the bead store.

I got (what turned out to be more than) enough beads and came home to start the project and couldn't find the necklaces.

Not where they'd been for nearly ten months... I must have "tidied" them up.

But.... not in my Burning Man bins, or drawer of things I wore last year.  Or in my cupboard where I keep my sewing stuff.  Had I thrown them out?

I was pretty sure I hadn't, partly because they were expensive and partly because I'd known I'd had this plan, but.... then were were they?

Turns out I'd tidied them away into a bag that had another project in it and then put that bag tidily away in a spot I had totally forgotten about that also wasn't particularly in view.

But, I found the necklaces and added the beads, reattached the battery pack things (and discovered they only worked one way, duh, go figure, thanks brain) and hope to have pretty glowing necklaces to wear this year.

See?  Utterly useless story really, but at least I'm slightly more interesting than watching paint dry?

Wednesday, 17 June 2015


I've always lived near the ocean.

Well, except for the year I lived in England, but even then... it's a giant island, really.

But what I mean is I've always lived really near the ocean, not just "I live on an Island" near the ocean.

Other than Burning Man, which occurs in the middle of an ancient lake bed turned desert, I generally always vacation/holiday by a body of water.  Often the ocean. 

My parents would tell you I'm a "water baby", and I do like swimming and floating in the water although the ocean's a tad cold for me these days.  (I have no idea how kids do it... it's like we don't feel cold when we're young or something.)

I've been noticing lately that going to sit by the ocean calms me down.  Makes me feel mellower and more centered, if that makes sense.  Science would suggest that it's the "negative ions" and, well, sure.  I do know I can tell that the air feels different when I get within a certain distance of the ocean.  Connor even mentioned it on our drive back from Burning Man that first year.

So, yeah, I've been sitting next to the ocean a lot more lately.  I always have, but now I'm doing it a bit more consciously and purposely.  And I think it helps me feel calmer.

Tuesday, 16 June 2015


I made a somewhat risky executive decision this weekend; one that I hope I'm not going to live to regret.

It was early Saturday morning.  And by "early", I mean, it was already light out.

I didn't check the clock but it could have been five.  Or six.  Not seven.  Let's say five..ish.  It was early.

Early enough that I didn't want to be awake and wanted to continue to be asleep.

Except "bzzzzzzzzzzzzz" .... mosquito.


Woke me up.  Woke me up because I swear the noise of those things wakes me from the deadest of sleeps.

I opened my eyes, saw that it was morning, and made the decision to just pull my sheet over my ear.

My logic (half asleep) was this:  I don't want to wake up and try to find the mosquito.  But I also don't want to get bit.  If I cover my ear with the sheet, maybe I won't hear it as much and maybe it won't be able to find me to bite me.

And then I apparently went back to sleep.

I have no idea where said mosquito might be, or if it's perhaps lingering in my bedroom to wake me up in the middle of the night somewhere this week, or if it gorged itself on me and I just haven't noticed, but, yes... Saturday morning, I chose sleep and a sheet.

The end.

Monday, 15 June 2015


Ha!  My calendar says it's mid way through June.  Very funny, calendar, you're so silly!


I have no idea if I've ever mentioned it before but my ex Smith, at some point in his life, trained as an acupuncturist.

I had had some sleep issues while we were together and he recommended I try acupuncture for my sleep.  I ended up going and long story short, now get semi-regular "tune ups" of acupuncture and man oh man do they ever help my sleep.

I know some people don't like needles but they're not very needly needles (not like the dentist or getting your blood drawn or a shot) and really you just kind of lie there and nap for a while and then you're done, easy peasy.

So if you have sleep problems... maybe you have a hard time falling asleep, or staying asleep, I can heartily recommend that you try some acupuncture.  It has been, along with better sleep habits and stuff, the reason I'm not going crazy from lack of sleep.

(This post brought to you by the fact that I had an appointment Friday and the best sleeps ever all weekend!)

Friday, 12 June 2015

Hello Weekend

Counting down the minutes until this one, let me tell you.

Thursday, 11 June 2015

Aww Man

So the dentist.


My dentist just retired and, well, has been pretty much semi retired for a few years now, so I've had fill in people working on my teeth on and off for the last while.

Recently I had a filling done and then the next week it felt ... weird... sharp, but... I didn't want to see the stand in dentist again so I just let it be.

Until I got the "I'm retiring" letter from my dentist, and I figured it was time to move on.

Visited a new dentist yesterday and had him look at the "whatever might be happening" around the tooth.  And, yeah, that filling had chipped, plus the next tooth over had a cavity.  And another one in this tooth and that tooth and are you kidding me that wasn't even a full set of X-Rays what is happening??????

This dentist chatted with me about my snacking habits (sigh.... I love me my sugar) and that the bacteria in my mouth was using that sugar and my saliva to all hang out and have a cavity making party whenever I snacked.  Which... you know, I throw sugar into my mouth all the damn time.

So even though I floss and brush and all that good stuff, I've still been getting cavities.  But this is the first time a dentist has really explained why.

And ways to maybe work on it.

He didn't tell me I had to stop eating sweets (amen brother) but that rather than, say, eating a chocolate bar over an afternoon, I would be better to eat the whole bar in one go, and then brush, or somehow get the sugar out of my mouth so that the bacteria didn't have anything to feed on.

I'm still pretty disappointed.  I thought I'd really improved my brushing, even trying to remember to brush and floss at work and it's more than that.

And I'm still getting cavities.

Which means fillings.

Which means freezing.

Which I don't like.

I don't like the poopy poopy bad hurting teeth things and the argh.

So, yeah.  Will try adjusting my dental hygiene yet again, and I look forward to working with a new dentist on making my teeth more better.  Betterer.  Gooder.

Not cavities.  No.  No like.


Wednesday, 10 June 2015


I know this is one of those "well, yeah... duh" kind of things to say but fruit and vegetable in season are bleeping incredible.

Like.  In credible.

I have mixed feelings about having access to fruit and things from all over the world all year long for different reasons than flavour, but the other week real nugget potatoes showed up in the stores.  And they are to die for.

They taste so so much better than the "baby potatoes" I've been eating all year, they are just incredible.

I know that even people who have their own gardens often store fruit and veg long past season, but man.. this stuff that's out right now, the in season fruit and veg?

Makes me never want to eat any other time of the year ever.

Those potatoes you guys... I can't even begin to tell you.


Tuesday, 9 June 2015

I'm Calling It

Well, it's official.

According to me, anyway.

It's Summer.

It's been pretty much almost Summer here for a while.  And by that, I mean, I've had a slurpee.  And an ice cream cone.  And those are two huge signs of Summer.

Plus the long days, and in our case, the lovely sunny weather.

But, to clinch it?

I brought out my fan this weekend.

Yup.  It's Summer.

And as if that wasn't enough?

Ice cream van trilled through my neighbourhood last night.

No, really!


P.S.  It was so warm yesterday I sat in my car with the windows up for a moment or two going "get used to heat before Burning Man this summer!"

Monday, 8 June 2015

Instructions Are For....OOoohhhhhhhh, I Get It.

So even though my first attempts at making things to wear didn't go all that spectacularly, this weekend felt like a "making things" kind of weekend.

Yes, despite the absolutely glorious weather, I just wanted time to myself, in my space, and to catch up on the things that have been waiting for me to give them a try.

Like, dyeing a shirt that a friend gave me.   She didn't want it any more and thought it was summery enough that I might want to wear it in the desert, and hey, it's my Spring of experimenting apparently, so I said yes please, and thanks!

It was a cotton sort of longer sleeveless shirt thing and I figured although it wasn't particularly my shape and might be too warm for most of the day in the desert, maybe I would try dyeing it.

Went to the store and bought some of that fabric dye stuff and read over the "do it in your sink/bucket" instructions.

Seemed pretty straightforward and I even had new (non latex!) rubber gloves to help.  The instructions said to stir it for ten minutes at least, or up to half an hour "or until the desired colour is achieved" and because I wanted the top portion to be white, and the bottom portion to be darkest, I had to hold up one end.  As I was watching the colour soak in, I didn't really see why they said ten minutes or half an hour, it was good to go super fast, yay!

I rinsed and washed it and hung it to dry as per instructions, rather proud of my first attempt at dyeing something.

Woke up the next morning to take a look at it, and realized WHY the instructions say to have it stirring in the dye for so long... it had dried super duper pale.


Guess a good portion of the darkness I was seeing was from the water, not the dye itself.  Hmm... instructions... right. 

Went back and got another box of dye and am going to give the bottom portion another soak and see how it goes.

I keep reminding myself that everyone has to start somewhere.  And maybe five years from now (or two!) I'll be looking back on the first outfits I made while wearing the super awesome looking ones I future me made.  (That makes sense in my head!)

So, yeah.  Another not so perfect Burning Man clothes making attempt.

By the way, I ended up cutting off one of the straps from the "shirt" I made.  I fixed the floppy strap and then the other strap started to flop so I said what the heck and lopped one off.

And then sat and picked out the sewing, because hey, it doesn't have to suck THAT much!

Oh, and I fixed the cool light up necklaces I bought last year that didn't work well due to the electrical conductive wire being constantly exposed and short circuiting!  Go me!

Friday, 5 June 2015


So I'm sitting there after work yesterday, noodling away on my laptop when something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye.

You know how without even looking you can just see that something's there that's not meant to be there? 

So I look up and on the building net to me there is a man.  A guy.  Wearing his safety gear and doing some sort of rooftop check.

He looked down and over my way and smiled so I smiled back.  He waved.  I gave him a big wave back and went on with my laptopness as he went on with his roof...ness.

Did make me feel glad that I wasn't the time of day for me to lie in my birthday suit and catch rays through the window.

And typing that now, I'm realizing that there's no way for me to know if a roof worker guy may have accidentally seen my bum before!  D'oh!

Ah well, at least this roof person was friendly.

Still a strange sort of thing though.  To look up and realize someone was where they weren't supposed to be!

Thursday, 4 June 2015


I'm pretty sure it's a "no" but I had a slightly stressful day yesterday when someone told me about a newly built apartment building not too far from me with an apartment in it that is not too far out of my budget.  And?  Would allow me to get a dog.

Plus some other cool things.  Like heated bathroom floor tiles (my parents had these installed and they're delightfully decadently yummy) and storage locker (mine here was taken away during "renos") and secure parking and nice appliances and stuff stuff stuff.

I went to look at it at the end of the work day yesterday after kind of stressing about finances and, well, I don't think I want to live there.

I may not have much of an actual view from my current place, but the view in the new place just.... I didn't like it.  A lot.

It felt really cramped and unhappy.  I don't know how to explain it, very... not what I want to see.

It was small too... smaller than my current place, so I'd have to get rid of furniture and I'm just not sure if the things against it outweigh the things going for it.

Which makes me feel bad somehow.

But, yeah.  I don't think I'm getting that place.



Wednesday, 3 June 2015


Ok, so I'm to make a speech at C-Dawg's wedding this summer and because of the kind of (awesome) friendship we have I have no stories that are appropriate to share with the general public / her family!

I keep laughing thinking over things I could say and then going, um, yeah, no... can't tell that one.  Nope, not that one either.  Or then there are all the things that are inside jokes that only the two of us would laugh at.  And that's not ok either!

So then I get concerned that my speech will be super boring and dull "C-Dawg is nice and loves (husband's name) and they are happy, the end."


I think I'm going to stop typing this and google for speech ideas.

Because I just thought of another totally inappropriate story I can't tell!

Tuesday, 2 June 2015


Guys, things are getting pretty serious with this chick and I.

I mean, she keeps emailing me. 

Like, every few days!

And she calls me "hot stuff" and "sexy" and she says I'm a really good looking guy.

And apparently we met at the club.  Or she saw my profile.  Or something.

And that's all I know because her email keeps getting put into spam but you guys?  I think she likes me.

Because I'm such a hunk of manly man.  You know?

Monday, 1 June 2015

Ugh. Frowny Face.

I did one of those things yesterday where I couldn't even really get mad at myself for the not so smart thing I did because I know better kind of, ugh.

So I often use my stove for a drying rack.  Like, I'll hand wash something and stick it on one of the elements to let it drip dry.  Takes up less room than a drying rack on my small counters...

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided to make my boiled egg for today's lunch.  I suppose I was a little groggy as I thought to myself "maybe I should clear off all the elements before I turn the one with the pot on" and then I thought "nah, it's fine, I'll clean them up later" and I turned the element on.

(You see where this is going, yes?)

I think I turned around and flicked the kettle on or got bread out or something but when I turned around I knew something wasn't quite right.

The egg pot of water wasn't doing anything but OH CRAP.

I'd turned on the wrong element.  And was melting my favourite special (not cheap) water bottle.


I pulled the stuff off,  put on my stove vent thing and tried to salvage the parts of the bottle.  No luck.

Cleaned off the plastic melt residue while mumbling at myself for the fact that I'd just wrecked my favourite water bottle just at the time of year when it's getting hotter out.

Le sigh.

Not even mad, really, because it's one of those "I knew that could happen and I didn't listen to myself" kind of things.

Sigh.  I should wake up first.  Or tidy up before bed first.  Or something.

Poor water bottle.

Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2018 and then some.) Kay? Kay.