Away

The weekend got away from me a bit, mainly because I lost a day to a panic attack.

My anxiety has been high this last couple of weeks, in part because I've got a hospital based test coming up this week and that's pushing a lot of anxiety buttons for me (I'm not really worried about the results, more the process and test itself, even though I've been assured it's fine) and some big stuff has come up in counselling this last few weeks and so the combo of the two has had me not so calm and after several days in a row of high high anxiety just this weekend I woke up to a panic attack and I made the decision to take something for it and then that made me sleepy and so I napped.

Which helped, I guess, as I woke up from said nap feeling a little lighter and physically better but also groggy for the rest of the day and then all of a sudden I realized that Monday was the next day.  Whoops.

And speaking of this weekend, Fall really crept in to things this weekend.  Tail end of Summer feeling to temperatures for sure.

I went for a distanced walk with a friend Saturday evening and luckily thought to bring a hoodie at the last minute because the wind had a bit of a bite to it.  And then Sunday it was chilly enough that I was under my blanket all day and rain came and, well, it felt like Summer really was transitioning towards Autumn.

Not that that doesn't mean we won't have (wait, did I just double negative myself?) another bunch of hot/warm days, in fact they're calling for a warm weekend again so I should really just stop talking before I jinx anything but let me just say I'm not putting my fans away yet. 

I have been throwing my Winter housecoat over the base of my bed as a mini blanket though, so blankets may be a thing that happen at night....

Only for the heat to come back so who knows!

Happy Monday y'all.  Enjoy this last day of August.  How weird is that, right?

Time

I was going to say something about it being mid August but then I glanced over at the calendar and, well, seems we're at the end of August.  Really not sure how that one happened, except maybe by me trying to lay low and survive the hot days I missed the time passing or something?

Not that end of August means end of heat.  We often have warm, even hot days into September.  But still... the end of Summer is in sight, eh?  I noticed a shorter day the other day... I know they've been getting shorter for a while now but the other night I noticed it was dusk at 8:30 rather than at 9:30, or those glorious days closer to 10...

It's funny, it wasn't really until I started travelling to Nevada at the end of August that I realized I live somewhere where Summer evenings really are longer.  Something something equator and all that jazz. 

I also started noticing how quickly the length of days shorten once I started doing that trip.  It always felt like in the ten or twelve days I was gone, by the time I got back home (first week of September) the days were "suddenly" shorter.  Which probably is only so true.  But still.  I noticed that.  And I noticed the dampness in the air.  We called it "the ocean smell" on our first trip back, but it often felt like there was some threshold heading into Northern Oregon and Washingon where the rains would hit us.  And re-rust Connor's truck.  And turn the playa dust on our bikes to a rust-creating mess.  Air's "damper" up here.  And then, yeah, you eventually hit the coast and having spent a week in the desert, you can smell the ocean.

And home.

It's always a bit jarring.

This wasn't intended to be a post about Burning Man but it's that time of year and it's not happening this year.  Or, as they'd like to say, it's happening virtually.  Online.  Not my thing, but hey, I hope those who "go" virtually (what do you call that like 3D thing you have to buy goggles for?) enjoy it.  I'm sure many will.  I'm on my fourth year of not going, so for me missing it is more normal than for those who have never missed.  But enough about that.

Time is passing.  I am holding back a lot of anxiety about the future and Fall.  Not just about the pandemic, but certainly about elections and yes, the medical system and just.... all of everything.  I don't currently feel I have anything to look forward to, and I'm already trying to figure out how to not stress about gifts at Christmas time since I'm 100% assuming we won't be gathering as a family at all at that time.  F*ck, I shouldn't have mentioned that.  Now I'm stressed and upset and let's just go back to talking about Summer and the length of days, ok?

Ok.

It's still Summer.  For a while.  Passing quickly though, no?

Right Now

One thing that the world wide pandemic has changed for me is that it feels easier to talk about anxiety than it used to.

When Canada was asked to stay home to help reduce the spread and load on hospitals things felt very uncertain all of a sudden for pretty much everyone.

I'm sure there were folks who were unphased or unbothered but for the most part people were at least concerned, if not anxious and afraid.

I was terrified.  Or, I suppose I should say that my anxiety level rose to the extreme.  Or something like that.  I was not ok.

And I found that a lot of people were not ok.

People were worried.  People didn't know what was going to happen.  People weren't sure they were safe, or how to stay safe.  People had to adjust their routines.  Some lost work or were forced to work from home or were forced to work in an environment that was now riskier than before.  Things weren't how any of us were used to.  And we were told a lot of conflicting upsetting things.  People became more wary of other people.  We were asked not to socialize.  Many of us suddenly weren't supposed to see family and loved ones and friends.  People were worried.

And as I looked around and heard from others I realized... people were starting to understand anxiety.  People were feeling lots of the things people living with an anxiety disorder deal with all day every day.  Uncertainty.  Fear.  Lack of safety.  Concern.  Fear of the future.  Things being unknown.  Dread.  Existential angst.  Death feeling closer than usual.  Others being a threat.  And so on and so on.

And after a while it made me feel more comfortable saying to people "this is really making my anxiety bad" and "I've been dealing with anxiety for a while now... this is making it worse." Because for the first time it felt like people understood.

For the first time it didn't feel like people would say "just get over it" or "why are you worried?" because they were feeling stress/worry/anxiety about their own lives and selves and family and job and situation.  It felt like almost everyone got some sense of having anxiety or at least being very unsettled.

And so it felt easier for me to say "I am not ok".

In the past few months I've told people that I've been dealing with anxiety (and whatever other term(s) to explain it) that I've not told before. Do I feel better for having told them?  Hard to say, but I don't think I feel worse?  No one has been surprised.  Or at least they've been polite and non committal in their responses.  It's still awkward and uncomfortable but there has also been a sense of commonality, certainly in the first few months of everything.

Now it's a little bit different again as people have had very different reactions to "reopening" and mask usage and health and all sorts of things I don't want to get into here. 

I feel a bit nervous again telling people that I haven't been grocery shopping since March and that I'm really not socializing and really not doing much of anything because I know others are.  And so it's hard again for me to know if I'm being over reactive or they're being under reactive or who's judging who, so I just keep doing the best I can and I try to let people be and just adjust my behaviours around their choices.  (Like someone who's maybe going to the gym and restaurants and lots of socializing and shopping and being pretty normal, I will probably not go for a distance walk with them, but someone who's wearing a mask and not seeing many folks and shopping a bit, I will see if my anxiety will "let" me spend time near them.)

Atlas And The Weight Of The World

I first wrote about it (apparently) in 2018, and in that post I said it had been "about a year".

So for the last three or so years, I've been dealing with shoulder issues.

Or, more accurately, shoulderS issues.

As I said in that original post nothing happened.  It's not as if I pulled something or fell or know of any initial "oh shi*t" moment with my right shoulder it just seemingly out of nowhere started hurting.... and lost range of motion.  It would hurt if I tried to sleep on it... it would wake me up of I rolled onto it during the night.  It would cause nearly a fainting amount of pain (really) if I forgot and "pulled" it the "wrong" way putting on a jacket or using it too quickly or... I never really could figure it out just that it really affected my day to day and absolutely my nights.

I went to physios after a while (always with the, er, yeah, I maybe should have come in sooner, my bad) and they both/all said the same thing... This acts like a frozen shoulder, but isn't a frozen shoulder and there's nothing really we can do about it and there's no real fix you just have to keep working at maintaining the range of motion and it will resolve... eventually.

But what neither of them mentioned was that sometimes it... whatever it is moves on to the next shoulder.  And so, unfortunately for me, once the right shoulder started to be anywhere vaguely near ok the left shoulder started to mess up.

I could tell it was a very similar issue... the sharp sharp burning pain if I "pulled" on it "too suddenly".  The debilitating almost black out feelings when it got moved "wrong".  I could now sleep on my right side again but not on my left, what the actual heck had I done/not done and what was going on/how could I heal it?

As I was trying to up my cardio and fitness at the start of the year, I wasn't able to swim "for real" so I was using a kickboard to keep my flotation but not stress my shoulder(s).  My left shoulder started to improve a bit and I remembered a physio I used to go to years ago but who had moved.  He was always a bit of a genius with stuff and so I looked up his new location and made an appointment.  It was at the start of March or end of February... so Covid protocols were in place (hand sanitizer, questions about travel) but we were all still pretty unsure about things.

This physio's first question to me was if I was diabetic.  I said no but that I'd recently been diagnosed as "pre-diabetic" (and have had thyroid issues all my life)?  His second question was if my other shoulder had also been through this pain?  Uh.. yes?  He said yeah, there was a thing he called "diabetic adhesive capsulitis" that was commonly known to be prevalent in diabetic folks and that it was also known to go from shoulder to shoulder.

Well go figure.  So that was the good news... a known.. issue.  (It's sometimes easier to know what you're dealing with than to be constantly wondering and confused.)

The less than good news was that he also said there's no real/actual treatment.  He said I could do a cortizone injection if I wanted (I said that's a big no) and he said really he could just do gentle stretches to maintain (not lose) movement.  So we did that, and it didn't fix anything but also didn't make anything worse.

And then shutdown happened and I haven't gone back to a physio since reopening.

My left shoulder is getting better, which is great.  My range of motion is still improving.  The sharp pain still happens from time to time but hasn't made me cry in a while.  I know both of my shoulders/arms and the muscles around them are weak due to the lack of use over the last few years, but I'm trying to find a balance of not hurting them while gently building them up.  

Honestly, in a lot of ways I feel I've been really fortunate with how my shoulders and body dealt with this.  I know it could have been a lot worse and a lot more restrictive and a lot more painful so I'm thankful.

But yeah, my shoulders have been not ok for a few years now but knock on wood hopefully they're happy again now!

The Incident

In what now feels like forever ago.... I had managed to start getting myself to the pool for exercise at the start of this year.  (Seriously though, SO LONG ago... and so innocent... sigh)

I'd initially just wanted to get myself there, but after a few weeks I started refining the process to make it easier.  At some point I decided to use a little locking padlock I had rather than the combination ones (no idea why.)

If I remember correctly, I attached the key to my gym membership lanyard so that I'd always have it in a safe spot and not lose it and not have to deal with a safety pin.

One day, probably mid February, I was mindlessly changing into my swimsuit, and grabbed my swim bag (has shampoo and swim cap etc.) in it and my towel and I closed the locker and locked the padlock and just as the *click* of the lock closing happened, I realized that I had left my lanyard and therefore KEY on the locker shelf.

Um.  Shit.

So there I was, IN MY SWIMSUIT.... locked out of my locker.  My brain wanted to run home, but I quickly had the counter thought that my house keys were locked in there too OMG WHAT DO I DO NOW?

Fortunately I had my towel... but, that was it.  Just a towel.  And flip flops.  So I steeled myself, and I left the change room and made my way to the front desk, tears in my eyes.  Yeah wrapped in a towel but pretty much utterly embarrassed and humiliated.

I think they knew right away what was going on but I explained it anyway "I locked my key in my locker".  A lovely woman came with a giant padlock cutter thing and said hey, don't worry about it, some people do it over and over you have no idea how many times.  I mean look, she said, this padlock cutter is well worn.  You're fine, don't worry!

It was reassuring but I was still so embarrassed and really felt stupid.  She came in, I showed her the locker, she asked me what she would find inside and I had the thought OMG I could be lying and trying to break into someone else's locker and I have no idea what is in there!!!

I didn't think to say "my ID with my photo is on the shelf" so I just said uh... I have a big bag and a blue jacket and uh... she cut the lock and I said thank you so much, I feel so dumb.  She asked if I wanted her to throw out the lock and I said yeah, sure, still in tears.  I hadn't done any exercise yet that day but I just wanted to go home so I did.  Threw clothes on top of my swimsuit and packed up my stuff and headed out... head down past the front desk, with a smile and wave to the people who had helped me and then I went home and cried.

It's much funnier in retrospect and I was able to laugh at it pretty quick but MAN did I feel dumb.  I don't think I've ever locked my keys anywhere like that before and knock on wood I never will again but I will also be using a combination lock of some kind whenever it is I go back to the gym (which is likely not any time soon...)

So yeah.  I locked my key in the gym locker, but hey, at least I had a swimsuit on?  But um, yeah, me in a swimsuit, especially this not flattering "made for swimming not photoshoots" swimsuit and then wrapped in a towel but clearly not dressed and oh yeah, flip flops.  GAH!

Hopefully a first and last time for me, but apparently a fairly regular occurrence for others.  D'oh!

Blah

It's 9:30 Sunday morning as I write this and I'm feeling pretty blah (yet again.)

We had a cooler week this week, thank goodness and I am reminded again what a difference a couple of degrees can make to comfort and sleep and things.

I feel like the blah I'm feeling is mainly my "fault", but fault isn't really fair, so maybe I'll just say it's mainly my doing....?

Pre-Covid, I had times of struggling with motivation, but since Covid really hitting these shores and the lockdown and even through "re-opening" things just feel even more challenging and difficult to me, which means motivation is even more distant.

So I'll get up, get on my laptop and that's kind of it.  Especially if I've had a "busy" day or two previous.  I do make sure I get my steps ("exercise") in and of course I'm up and down for food and water and things, but really, I spend hours and hours some days just on my laptop.  And while part of me appreciates the comfort and down time and ease, part of me really gets upset about it and feels like I'm wasting my life.

And, no, I'm not looking for advice.  I've talked with my counsellors, I've got things to read on the topic, I know things that could be helping and maybe just this weekend was extra slow moving after a week that had me stressed an anxious because see that's another thing.  I also know I have a part of me that's just mean to me.  Picks on me, beats me up for whatever.  So rather than "allowing" myself to have a really quiet weekend after a stressful week, I have a part that turns me inside out with feelings of ick and blah and lame and bad.  And that's not particularly nice.  Or helpful.

But as I think I've said here quite a bit, talking about it helps.  Venting about it helps.  Hearing myself talk about it "out loud" helps.  And actually brings perspective.  So... yeah.  I'm feeling blah on a Sunday morning, but maybe just being honest about that will change things up, you know?

So, Um...

Ironically....

Speaking of my body!  I generally don't go naked, even around my place, but this week, since it's been ultra hot and my blinds are closed, I've had a few times of naked-ness, with the fans on full blast.

Well, I was reminded why that's not my favourite thing because I was lying there fairly cool (temperature wise!) when there was the sound of running footsteps followed by a pounding on my door.  I could tell it was a sort of emergency situation and not knowing what it might be I grabbed a blanket and held it over my front and opened the door.

Yeah... pretty much naked.  OH MAN!!!

Turns out there was a plumbing emergency and I had to turn my dishwasher off and I'm sure the poor plumber was too frazzled to really care about what I wasn't wearing but it wasn't until a few hours later I realized that I have a mirror on the wall opposite my front door which means if the angles were against me....

Um, yeah.

So, yeah, I generally don't "go" naked!  D'oh!

Unrelated To The Heat

In addition to thinking back on my schooling, I've been thinking about my body.

I know, it's kind of awkward to talk about, but I'll babble a bit anyway...

Long story very short it's something that came up in counselling and how my body changed very quickly, I assume around puberty? and that I really didn't like the change (my breasts grew very suddenly and very large, especially on my small frame) and how I hid my body all through the rest of my youth and pretty much even still today.

A while ago, C-Dawg told me about someone she found on social media (Danae Mercer if you're interested) who talks about the reality behind the photos you tend to see from "social media influencers".  On her feed she shows herself posed and then relaxed and she talks openly about her cellulite and her food-bloating and I've really appreciated seeing her show how different her body looks depending on her posing and lighting and angles and all sorts of things.  It has really blown my mind to see her cellulite just... disappear from photo to photo all because of the pose/light/angles.  I really have appreciated seeing this and while it hasn't instantly made me love my body (I'm working on it) it has made me start to maybe look in the mirror a little differently.  I even secretly tried one of her "booty" poses in the mirror the other day and thought "hey, my legs look good!"

I don't follow any (that I know of) "influencers" on social media, but I know I've seen photos of women all over the place that have made me feel ugly or less than and I know I've not really ever been mentally kind to my body, especially in photos. 

It's just such a mentally complicated thing for me, and I'm sure for many others, men included, but I don't really want to find myself disliking my body for the rest of my life, especially knowing I am likely to look back and wish I'd "seen" things differently... like I've done lately with older photos of myself.

I said to Jason the other week that I felt terribly sad for the fact that I can't get my teens/twenties back and that I missed out on feeling attractive at that age.  Youth is valued highly in our culture, and I feel very much that I missed out on liking myself and liking how I looked during mine.  Again, I know that's common, but I also know there are a lot of people who did like themselves and do like how they look and even some who knew they were hot in highschool/university.  Or at least didn't think they were as hideous as I apparently did.

Sigh.

Monday Morning Pout

We got a surprise lighting storm Sunday night which was fun to watch (and far away... I only heard thunder once) and as I was texting Jason about it I said that I hoped it would break the heat.

Well, I woke up (this) Monday morning to a hot apartment, same stupid heat at the same early time as miserably hot Sunday and let me tell you I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

So, my poor fans are off working again and I am crossing all my fingers today (Monday... yesterday) will be less miserable than Sunday was for me in my place.

And yes, I'm still ultimately grateful I don't live in the places that are even hotter right now.

Hindsight

I've been thinking about school lately.  (Probably because America's attempting a very bumpy return to school right now and Canada, or at least BC is trying to figure out their own in the next few weeks.)

I keep thinking how I wish I'd taken different classes (I'm talking high school) but I realized the other day that that's because I have the hindsight of knowing where I ended up and where my interests and dislikes are now.

I had no idea at.... however old you are in whatever grade it starts to "matter".... grade 10?  so... fricking 15 years old (OMG THAT'S SO YOUNG!!!) but I had NO idea at 15 what I wanted from life or where I wanted to go or what jobs I might want or like or enjoy or ANY of those things.  So I covered all my bases.  Schooling wise.

From what I remember (seeing as it was like 500 years ago approximately), Universities still had entrance things you had to have.  I assume they do today as well, but I think some may have loosened a bit.  And because I wasn't sure and didn't want to limit myself I took all the 11/12 Science/Math/Language/Basics you HAD to take if you were attempting to get into Canadian Universities.  (US wasn't even on my radar, ain't no one got the money for that!)

There wasn't much space in my schedule for electives, but I kind of wanted to take them all and had to really pick and choose.  I ended up (again, this is slightly patchy memory so don't hold me to this) with art and drama til the end, but wished I'd been able to do photography and shop/mechanics and I don't think I did any extra curriculars in grade 12 but I did yearbook for a couple of years there, but yeah, oh how I wish I'd taken all the electives and none of the math/sciences.  Not that I didn't do well in them, just that all that information is no longer in my head.  If you handed me a formula and asked me to solve for y I would not be able to.  Not well anyway.  And mitosis?  I think I might vaguely remember what that was all about but, you know, if you don't use it you lose it.  But hey, I didn't know where I was going and I really didn't want to be limited.  So I hit all the markers to be able to get into University. 

I applied for a bunch, got into them (all?) and ended up over here at UVic, ostensibly for housing reasons.  Had I decided on SFU, I was going to go into their Journalism program, and UBC was going to be Science/Engineering, but over at UVic I wasn't clear (and they didn't, at the time, have a strong program reputation) so I went into general "arts" (B.A.) courses.  (I scared myself away from the Sciences at some point in Grade 12, not sure why, maybe just too much effort/work?)

My first year at UVic I took kind of everything... really really general stuff.  And, no, I don't really know what I wish I had taken instead because unlike high school, university costs, and I worked to pay for my tuition, so I didn't feel like "wasting" money taking all the things.... plus there was a sort of expectation of direction and figuring out a career/job at the end of it all.

Again, as I look back at the age I am now and wonder how we expect 18 year olds to know what they want in life.... I wonder.  But man, the idea of going back to school is daunting.  The money, incredibly so, but also the time, and brain power, and did I mention the money?

But yeah, I'm realizing I can't be mad at my high school self for not taking all the electives, because 15, 16 year old me had no idea what I might grow up wishing I'd done.  I did the best I could at the time with the way the world was at the time and I have to imagine my folks weighed in too.

One of the things that popped into my mind as I was thinking about all this was something a teacher said, casually to my Mom.

My grad class didn't have the grad ceremony until October of the following school year and I was already on the Island and didn't feel like seeing anyone so I didn't go.  My parents still lived on the mainland at the time so Mom went to the school to pick up my certificate.  She said that my drama teacher was in the office handing them out and when he saw it was me he asked my Mom what I was doing and she said, you know, whatever "general studies at UVic" and apparently he said he'd hoped I'd go on to study drama as I was good.

I think I was surprised by this at the time and now that I think about it I wonder.  Was he just making conversation?  Or was I a kid he thought might have talent?  Did he mean that?  What might life have been like if I'd done that?  Would my insecurities have gone away?  Gotten worse?  Might I have moved to the States, done the whole L.A. attempt thing?  Been a local Vancouver starving actor artist?  I have no idea.  But it makes you wonder.  Or it makes me wonder at least.

Anyway, there's a babble for you... It's the weekend here (as I write this) and it's warm, so I should go deal with cooling off/down and drinking some more H20!  Hope you're staying happy and cool wherever you are and that you got to take whatever you wanted in your high school years!

Dream.....Mares

I watched "Immigration Nation" last week - a show about the U.S. Immigration system.  It was a hard watch, but also informative.

I then, unexpectedly, had two nights worth of nightmares from it.

The first night I had to swim in a "pool" of "death" with lots of bones and it was freezing (I think I was cold in bed having my light summer coverings on) and when I woke up and realized what I'd been dreaming it was pretty easy to relate it to the show and the episodes talking about the folks who die in the desert in their attempts to illegally enter the US.

The second night was a far more direct correlation.  In the dream, I.C.E called me saying they were outside my door ready to deport me.  I told them they had the wrong number as I was a) in Canada and b) no one was near my building.  So they then transferred me to someone else to find out who I actually was and I think in the dream I was like "I don't have to tell you that" but yeah, the summary was US Immigration mistaking me for someone living in the States and me being annoyed but not surprised at the screw up.

But yeah, I didn't expect the show to give me actual bad dreams, or to use the dreams to process stress or whatever. 

I Handled It

I caught up with someone the other day who has never been more than a vague acquaintance but who reaches out to say hi every couple of years.  Honestly, I usually avoid his phone calls as he's a big personality and talks a lot lot lot (thankfully he also knows this about himself so usually attempts to be conscious about it) but on Sunday I felt up for a convo and so we chatted.

It was, y'all, the first time I've really had to be delicate around this current health pandemic situation as he started to talk about things that... well, do not fit with my feelings, beliefs or understanding of what's going on.  I'm not talking "wackado" conspiracy stuff.... just, we don't apparently see eye to eye on things and so I had to find ways to politely.... not agree, and change the subject.  I think what I said was something along the lines of none of us really knowing what someone else is thinking or why they're doing something so they may not be "scared"(as this person was suggesting about certain persons and their behavioural choices) ... *shrug*

It's something I've been cautious about with people, especially friends I haven't talked to since March, as people really do have different reactions and levels of concern about all this.

I know, generally, where I stand and I know others do not feel the same way as me and I just tend to keep to myself about it.  I've turned down a few invites recently from folks who wanted to do things I'm not going into a restaurant or coffee shop right now, and that's my choice and I won't berate you for making that choice I'll just say "that's not something I'm doing right now, sorry."

The folks I've said this too have been good, but it still feels a bit uncomfortable to me but this whole thing does, you know?

But yeah, I think I handled things fairly well and hopefully no feathers were ruffled. 

Um...

So, yeah, even just writing that yesterday has given me a huge amount of anxiety.  Not *quite* a panic attack but panic... sure.  "World is ending" feeling?  Sure. 

If I didn't make it clear yesterday, I had never written about this person.  Not here, not in my other writing, not anywhere.  So it's not as if she had read me being rude or unkind about her and decided to "get back" at me because of that.  No, there was just something about what I'd written (probably/possibly about my relationship with Jason is my guess) that she didn't like or that upset her and I guess she was unhappy enough to say she'd do... whatever to me.

I remember "early" on in my days of blog following, I followed a woman who wrote very openly, and anonymously about her dating and sex life.  I'm not sure anymore if it was a "sex" blog but she certainly didn't hold back on her details, other than keeping things anonymous.

I remember also when she was "outed".  I can't remember anymore if it was malicious or what but from what I recall an ex recognized himself in her writing and either told her he knew or went to the press and she ended up going public with her identity.  (And I kind of lost track from there to be honest.)  I seem to remember that some of her partners were upset that she'd talked about them without permission, so after that I always at least mentioned to a guy I was dating that I had an anonymous blog and that I'd probably talk about our dates/relationship.  If I trusted him enough and he was curious, I'd eventually give him the blog name.  I don't really know how many of them actually read much, maybe one or two, and I don't think any of them still follow along or read, or necessarily even remember.  So it could be that Jason shared this blog with his girlfriend, or maybe it was the other writing, I don't know.  He says he has no idea, just that she said that if she could find it, my boss/work/clients could too.  Which is probably the worst fear button of my "anonymous" writing to push.

I mean, I always refer to my friend at the time, when I said I was thinking about writing an anonymous blog who told me to write it as if everyone would read it.  And I've always kept that in mind.  So there are a lot of not so nice thoughts I have about people in my head from time to time that I do NOT share here, as much as I might like to get it out of my system.  Venting helps me, that's for sure, but I tend to limit it to venting to Jason these days, and occasionally to C-Dawg, although she doesn't know much about all the sh*t that's gone on with Jason and his now ex.

Sigh. A Truth

I don't know how much of a part what I'm about to tell you plays in things but I'm sure it's not .... nothing.

A number of years ago... I genuinely can't give you a legit when (five?  seven?) Jason was in a relationship with someone that I have not touched on at all.  There is a LOT for me to talk about there and lots of stuff that affected me in really not great ways, but this is about one of them.

So a number of years ago, Jason was with his partner and I had reasons I wasn't fond of the relationship and the entire situation and he let me know that she had found my writing and was threatening to come to my workplace and "beat me up".  There was also something, if I recall correctly, about her exposing me to work and I honestly think I must have blocked a lot of this out, but Jason claims he called me to warn me, and she apologized for it in person a couple of years ago.

I legit am not clear if she meant this blog here or if she meant some other writing that I did under another pen name but either way... I would imagine this played a part in my fear and anxiety around writing and being less open and upfront about what I write.

The timing seems to match with all the other crap that was going on in my life/world and so it maybe factored in to my "shut down" a lot more than I knew and certainly more than I realized at the time.

And like I said, I blocked most if not all of it out, which is its own set of issues and concerns, but Jason says he called to warn me and she did apologize for something so, yeah...

That happened, I guess. 

Which doesn't really make me feel all that safe or comfortable to talk about things again, you know?

Wonderings

Sometimes I wonder about me. Or, I suppose in some ways I wonder about everyone else.

Like.... I get tired of my head and how it thinks and all that's in it. I fight with the things I think and it can be very tiring. And then I wonder if everyone's "like this" in their heads and I bet you that's a no, but that others might have similar goings on in their noggins and I just don't know because I'm not there to witness it? I dunno.

This made sense before I tried to talk about it, I swear.

And then there are my ongoing thoughts around this blog. And I'm not even talking about the fact that this new UI/layout they're forcing still does not work (ARGH).  (I actually got so frustrated that I reverted back to "legacy" and hope they fix the not working stuff before they force push it on me, geez).

It's been years since there was much of a readership here.  I know there are a solid bunch of folks who read when they can and I know times change and I know what occurred on my end and I know life is extra .... different right now.  I sort of vaguely remember why I started writing and publishing a blog all those years ago.  I remember kind of talking to/at myself at random times (often in bed) and finding them amusing thoughts and reading a lot of blogs at the time I thought well hey, I'll start one of those.  

There was a sort of a community back then.  I remember actually meeting another local blogger or two (the uncomfortable date stories are in the archives somewhere) and connecting with non local bloggers (at least one of whom I am still in contact with) and checking in on other blogs and even the now big-name bloggers who have gone on to books and tv shows and all sorts of things... I used to hang out and keep up with their lives too.

I suppose, due to the title I chose, I thought I would chronicle my dating life and probably eventually my long term relationship life and eventually my married life.  And I did, for a while. 

And then there was a confluence (if that's the right word) of things in life including internal changes I didn't know where happening, but I realize in retrospect were (the start of anxiety and depression as factors in my health - unknowingly) and online changes when Jason as a partner suggesting I *had* to get on Facebook to promote my creative ventures and then Facebook completely eating up my online time and becoming this weird drain, and wanting to keep some things private from the private/anonymous blog (huh?) and lots in my relationship with Jason that I wasn't comfortable sharing and then just things got bad (late 2015) and, as I've talked about before, I shut off my writing here and it's been hard to get it back.

Which I then struggle with because part of me realizes I'm writing to a very small (and lovely) group of folks so why am I so concerned about keeping up that (illusion of) privacy sort of wall.  I mean, not that I'm going to suddenly say Hey I'm (real name) and I am a (real job) and I live at (real address) and here's my S.I.N. or anything like that but do I really imagine that if I talk a little more honestly about things I will suddenly gain a million person following and have to explain a few things to my mother?  I dunno.

But the "what if" of potential negative-type consequences still hovers over me and all my online doings.  But I still can't seem to just pack it up and walk away... so... who really knows?

A Stubbornness?

I suppose I could consider this a new type of writer's block the "I don't WANNA" because when I am just doing... other things, I think of posts I'd like to write, or deep thoughts I'd like to expand upon.  And then by the time I settle myself enough to think "hmm, I should write" or "whoops, no post ready for tomorrow" then I get a very large feeling of NOPE.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

I know I used to have Sunday as my day to just hammer out a week's worth of posts but I lost that in the last few years when my life hit giant bumps and my schedule became less of one and life got trickier and hey now.... pandemic in the mix I guess?

But yeah, not.... un.... can't.... don't wanna.

Which, really, it's probably only me that's at all stressed or annoyed by this. 

Sigh.

Seriously?!

I swear, Tuesdays after a holiday/long weekend Monday mess me up!  (Also, the process of adding a photo to "new layout" is really not working the easy way it used to and I clearly can't figure it out, BAD UI, BAD!)

Yeah, because we have a weekend, see (Saturday, Sunday) and then Sunday feels a little like a Saturday because you know you have the next day off an then on the Monday you're like ha!  it's not a work day, ta da!  But then you go to bed Monday and are like ok, it's a work day tomorrow but it's not a Monday because that was yesterday so I have to do Tuesday things, not Monday things but yesterday was a weekend so why isn't it Monday?  Well, because HOLIDAY!

So, yeah, I'm a little confuzzled this morning but as I type this I'm reminding myself... Tuesday... Tuesday... Tuesday things!

(Not Monday.  Just kind of is one without being one.  K?  K.)

Tis A Holiday

So they tell me.  I would have to look to see which one it is.  B.C. day I think?  Which begs the question, do all the other provinces have a "that province/territory" day today?  I should google.... hang on...

Uh... long story short, not a stat, not a holiday everywhere, but hey, happy BC day!

I am, at the time of writing this, exhausted.  Very little sleep this last week or so and it's caught up with me.  I do ok for a day or two but by the third or fourth day I'm miserable and non-functional.

The other night I attempted to use a fan to help cool things down.  So then I needed earplugs, which didn't entirely help.  But I think things did cool down overnight so that did help.  Seems this week will be a bit cooler in general so here's hoping.

I feel like I babbled about this the other day but I had a bit of a miserable week, emotionally speaking, and I am hoping that this week is better in all sorts of ways.  But happy Monday or BC day or whatever you may be having today day.

Ok....

Ok, so, there's a certain irony to making a blog all about blogging but um yeah.  They've already changed a couple of things (the "new post" icon for example) and I did figure out a way to report issues (although I'm not entirely sure it's working either TBH) but yeah, not cool Blogger, not cool.

Anyway, the heat's been not so fun this last while and I've lost some sleep from it and had some bad evenings (they're the worst in my place) and just generally .... not had some of my favourite days this last while.

I find it difficult to be un-anxious when I'm hot or it's hot and it's moments like these where I wonder how I survived four years in the Nevada desert in August.  Like, ever.  How? 

And then I tell myself that's not the point and the point right now is to try to get through whatever heat this Summer HERE will throw at us and that yes, I know other places have it worse and oh my lord don't even talk to me about the future of climate change because that will just send me into a panic.  (It always does.)

Sigh.

Happy August, by the way.  This is another one of those long weekends I tend to forget until I'm right on it and apparently this is a long weekend and, um, yeah.  Sigh.