Progression

Here in B.C. vaccinations are apparently "picking up speed".  (Meaning, we got more doses... or at least that's how I read it.)

More people around me are getting vaccinated or getting appointments.  Some through the pharmacy program (AZ) and some through work and some through the aged based rollout which is now hitting those in their 40s (or so it seems by social media posts!)

I got my invite to book a couple of days ago and so am getting my first vaccination shot soon.  I've been a little nervous about it but people near me who've had their first shot only maybe had a bit of extra tired or a bit of a sore arm so I'm less worried.

Plus, Jason got vaccinated this weekend and while I know it takes two weeks for the thingies to do the thing (Science man!) the relief I felt when he texted to tell me "all done" was... well, surprising.  I couldn't stop crying.  I've been incredibly worried about him (and about my parents as they're older) due to his asthma and just having been through some health scares with him the last few years (including the pneumonia that nearly killed him and the hospital trips around that... I did not want to repeat that with Covid, nor do I ever want to repeat it again with anything to be honest.)  It felt like I'd been trying to hold his health together with worry for over a year and knowing he's on his way to being more protected, well, thank you Scientists.

Because really, thank you to everyone who has gotten us to this point.  The Scientists and techs and workers and thinkers and the medical folk who have tried to keep us ok.  To the doctors and public health people who have been working to educate us while keeping us calm.  And to everyone who has been doing their part to be smart and follow health directives.  To everyone who has sacrificed and struggled and dealt with everything this least year plus has thrown our way.  Thank you to the money that was thrown at vaccine development and to everyone involved in that.

So stay well and safe wherever you are and keep doing the best you can to be ok with.... all of this.  Because it's a lot.

Satisfying

I've been gardening a little at Jason's place.

Weeding more like.  Which, I must say, is kind of satisfying.  As in, you can see the progress and you can see the results of your effort.

Jason's roommate has really let the garden go and so there's an overwhelming amount to do, but baby steps, right?  Baby steps and honest amazement at how persistent blackberries/brambles are.  Wow.

I Watched A Movie

I don't know about you, but for me, sometimes I'll learn something and know something and be aware of something and, like... know better, but even with all that, I still don't do what I think I could/should, until like a final straw of some weird sort.

And so for this right now I'm talking about sugar.

Sugar.  Oh, sugar.

I have always enjoyed sugar.  I assume all my life.  Certainly in my mind - all my life.  Trips to the corner store, saving allowance for candy, all of it.  Sugar.  It's always been my jam.

And I mean it's not as if I've ever been told that sugar was "good", you know?  I've always known it was sort of, I dunno, naughty?

When I was a kid it was that sugar was bad for your teeth.  I don't remember what I was told about it when I was a teenager, but I know as a young adult I started hearing more about it being not great for your health but hey whatever!  

Over the years I have tried to reduce my sugar intake.  Heck, some years I even give up chocolate for Lent, without being religious!  But always, I go back to my consumption.

I'm one of those people who if you have a cup of tea with me, you'll see me putting enough sugar in my tea you'll probably comment.  (And I'll just laugh it off)

And yes, if you've been around here, you'll probably know of my love of Cadbury Creme eggs which are sugar filled sugar blobs.  There are days I'll eat a stupid amount of them.  Really.  Because sugar.

Sugar, sugar, sugar.

I've always had a thing for sugar and most of my adult life I've known it wasn't healthy.

And especially as I started to pay more attention to my health I learned all of the ways sugar is bad for the body.  Like, really.

And then with things in the last year or so in the realm of family heart issues and pre-diabetic blood work levels, I really did think I should work on reducing my sugar.  But... well... sugar. (sigh)

For reasons I've never fully understood, sugar has always been something that settled my stomach too.  So if my stomach was upset?  A sweet would settle it.  Or a can of 7Up would settle it.  And there were days when I thought I'd put so much sugar in my tea I was really just drinking warm sugar water but hey, I didn't want to be out of bed, this was a morning treat, you know?

Last month, Amazon gave me a month free of their streaming video service.  Near the end of that time, I started trying to watch some of the documentaries on there, and one that came to my attention was an Australian movie called "That Sugar Film."

I'm sure I've heard of it before, maybe even watched the first part of it?  But I sat down a few weeks back and gave it a watch.  In the film (super quick summary) an Australian fellow sets out to eat as much sugar as the average Australian eats in a day (they suggest this is 40 teaspoons) and see what it does to his body in two months. (He led a sugar free life before)

Predictably (if you've seen the trailer or been aware of the movie like I was) he gets sicker, fatter (puts on like 22 pounds), less happy, and nothing good comes out of it at all.

One of the things that really hooked me was that he chose in the film NOT to eat the sugar like I do, the chocolate bars and pop drinks, but chose to get those 40 teaspoons a day in so called "hidden" sugars.  The sugars that companies put in their foods to make up for the reduced fat or whatever else (there are some political issues in the background of all this...)  So he gets his sugar from, say, cereal, or yogurt, or sauces, or prepared ... whatever.

And to get his daily amount, he takes the amount of sugars in a label (grams) and divides it by four to give a teaspoon amount.

And this, I thought, is something I can do!

I initially thought I'd just track for a few days to see how many teaspoons I was having, and I looked up the suggested amount and for women, it's suggested not to have more than 6 teaspoons of sugar a day.  Hmmm.... ok.

Well that first morning, I measured out the amount of sugar I usually put mindlessly into my morning cup of tea.

And, well, I kind of had, um, I'm embarassed to say, like, um... all six teaspoons of sugar in my tea.

*hangs head in shame*

Yikes.

And when I put jam on my toast (a treat some days) I just... you know, spread it on.  Spready spread spread!  Well, a teaspoon of jam is a teaspoon of sugar, so I figured I'd start measuring out a smaller portion.

And I told myself that I'd only count sugars in things that were pre-packaged and labelled.  So I decided that for now I wouldn't count fruit (or veg) or anything "natural" and not packaged.  And that I'd start trying to pay attention to how much I was consuming without thinking.  Those hidden sugars.

I joked with Jason and C-Dawg that everything was "betraying" me.  My gluten free bread had sugars in it.  Not a lot, but some... the gum I chew on as a treat (Juicy Fruit!)?  Sugars (duh but not duh).  My mini can of 7Up?  An entire day's worth right there.  Damn.

My protein bar snack?  Sugars.  Same amount as my cookies.  And when something is a third of your daily sugar allowance, you start to re-evaluate.

There have been days where I've tried (since watching this movie) to eat a chocolate bar I had on hand and my brain revolted.   I didn't make it through the chocolate bar.  And I haven't bought sweets like I'd usually do.

A couple of days I've sort of said screw it and put all my teaspoons in my tea.  And then I've tried to pay attention and wondered if that lead to cravings for the rest of the day (I feel like it did.)  And while a lot of days I've either hit or been under my "suggested sugar amount", a couple of days I've hit 20 teaspoons, which is the amount they say most Canadians hit a day.  And this is all WITHOUT eating flat out sweets.  These are on days with no chocolate, no candy, no dessert, no... whatever.  No knowingly sweet item.  These are just days of eating what I would have called a "low sugar" day... sugar in my tea, jam on my bread, maybe a gluten free cookie or two.  (Sure all sweet things, but not sweets, if you get the distinction I've made...)

When I had the sore throat, I allowed myself some orange juice (while gasping at the sugar amount).  And even though I told myself it was fruit and so I wasn't tracking it, I tracked it.  Same as on the day I had fruit cocktail... I tracked it because it was packaged.  Shrug.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this, if anywhere.

Have there been dramatic shifts in my health?  Maybe?

My aches and pains are maybe less?  But that could also be the weather.  Have I lost weight.  Not particularly.  My stomach MIGHT be less upset and sore... not sure.  I've been tracking my sugar for a couple of weeks now and trying to keep it under that 6 teaspoons a day. (I think it's 9 for men FWIW).

I'm not sure what it was about seeing that movie at that time that shifted something for me.  It's not like it was any new information... it's not like I didn't know how sugar negatively affects your body and health and waistline.  But I guess it was the right thing for me to see at the right time.  Somehow.

As I said, I'm not sure where I'm going, and maybe this won't be a long term change, but for now, the tracking is giving me something to focus on and think about.  I've got a list on my kitchen counter that I add things to so I don't have to do the math every time.

And right now my body isn't in love with sugar like it usually is.  And when I do have some and then want more and more it's not like I'm particularly enjoying it... which is weird.

I haven't yet managed to track a "normal" day because I haven't had a normal day since I watched the movie and starting tracking my sugar intake.  

So, yeah, I dunno.  For now it just is what it is.

Oh, See...

See, right now I shouldn't write.

I've been hit by a wave of angry and I have nothing but feelings and thoughts of "I hate this and I hate that" and well, I don't really feel it's productive right now to type these thoughts out and publish them.  Everything right now is irritating me.  I'm irritable.  Irritated.  Even that has now turned in to a stupid word and I think I should just wish you all a better day than this mood.

That makes sense in my head I promise.  

*grump*

So.... I Wasn't Well

A couple of weekends ago, I was over at Jason's (my one person I see during all this) and I decided to have a drink (not something I do often these days) and to splurge and get cupcakes for after dinner.  

We watched a movie after eating and mid way through the movie I started to feel not great.  I was irritated and angry and couldn't get my temperature right and then I sort of had an upset nausea feeling.  Blah.  I went home pretty immediately after the movie and figured the booze and cupcakes had just not been to my stomach's liking, on well.

I felt much better the next morning, I'd slept off whatever stomach issues, and I just had a bit of a sore throat - which I put down as a slightly unusual "allergy" symptom.  No big deal.

The throat (it was my left side specifically) wasn't terrible but wasn't great and I noticed the next day that my energy was off.  Like, I was a little extra tired, but again, nothing to think anything about.

By the Monday, my throat was still not great on the left and I realized I didn't technically pass any of the health checks to go to [workplace] or to the appointments I was meant to go to that week, hmmm... I backed out of things for Tuesday and Wednesday and figured things would get better.  I kept my fluids up and upped my vitamins and on Monday I had a nap AND I slept about 10 hours that night.  I was for sure fighting off this... whatever!

But for that whole week, I couldn't kick the sore throat.  Mid way through the week I remembered my neti pot and how I'd heard it helped with allergy stuff and so I gave that a go and was surprised my sinuses were actually quite (ewwwwww) full... (sorry).

I still didn't pass health checks so cancelled things for the rest of the week, feeling certain I'd be on the mend very soon.

One of the things I noticed that told me I wasn't all well was that my walks and exercise didn't make me feel better.  In fact, after a mid-week walk that would usually make me feel energized or calmer, I felt woozy.  My walks were making me feel lousy, and my sweat didn't feel "clean" (if you have an understanding of what I mean by that... sick sweat vs healthy sweat?)  I must be fighting some cold bug or something.

My temperature never went up and I never had any other symptoms.  Just this mildly sore throat and some weird fatigue when I would exercise.  But see I COULD exercise.  Not like I was out of breath or anything.  I just felt lousy after.  Weird.

I figured I was good for the next week when the throat started to resolve but then that Sunday morning I lay in bed having a more difficult time swallowing, but this time on the right side (which had been having no issues until that morning).

I got up and figured I should probably take a look into my throat and so flashlight in hand, I looked in the mirror and, well, it wasn't pretty.

My tonsils were angry and had, I'm not even sure what, white stuff on them.

Did I have tonsilitis?  Strep?

I mean I've had strep throat before and this discomfort wasn't that.  Wasn't anywhere near that.  But I was clearly unwell in some way and my body was working hard to fight something.  No idea what, but something.

"I should probably get this looked at," I thought.  So I went ahead and tried to get in to a walk in clinic to have a doctor look at my throat (and maybe take a swab?) but it was a Sunday and most of them were already full by this time.  I tried singing up for an online one but they didn't have an appointment for me until Tuesday.  I booked it anyway.

I decided to call 811 (our "nurse" line... to oversimplify).  Unfortunately they were very busy (they apologized a lot for that) and I ended up on hold for two and a half hours (thank goodness for speaker phone.)  It was frustrating, just because I wasn't able to hang up and I kept wanting to give up, but I really also thought I should try to find out what was going on in case I had something serious (or contagious... but like, no way it was Covid... right?)

I talked to a lovely male nurse who asked me all the questions and gave me some home remedy suggestions.  (I was already gargling with salt water, but just once at night - he suggested hourly and man did it help, wow!)  They put me through to a doctor who said there wasn't much she could do over the phone (especially seeing as my pain/discomfort wasn't "strep level" and that I should probably try to get in to get a swab.  They also suggested I go for a Covid test. Sigh.

I called the number, left mine, and got a call back within probably half an hour.

They set me up for a gargle test (yay!) later that day.

There's something about being sure you don't have Covid and then getting sent for the test that suddenly makes you more worried than you were before.

For the gargle test, I looked up the instructions, and also you're not to eat or drink (even water) for at least an hour (or was it two? I think it was one?) before.  So I had to physically put my water away from me so I wouldn't accidentally drink it!

I headed out, the process was quick and fine and everyone again was lovely and kind.

I came straight home and cancelled things for the next couple of days again and started to feel really embarrassed that I might have contracted Covid and given it to Jason and whoever else I saw when I was feeling ok in the days before I wasn't feeling ok.  Sigh.

I also obsessively checked the result site, which in retrospect was a little dumb as I knew they'd text me the results (I signed up last year when I got tested).

I think because it was a Sunday my results took a bit longer, but it was a stressful 25 hours before my text let me know I did NOT have Covid-19.  PHEW.

Such a relief.  Again, even though I really did think it was highly unlikely I had it.... knowing the test said negative was a huge relief.

I kept up my hourly salt water gargles and warm drinks and my Vitamin boosters and I let myself rest... although I did keep up my exercise and stuff.

The Monday morning after the test, while I was waiting for results, my throat did start to feel better.  I also added in a diluted hydrogen peroxide rinse like they had me do at the dentist in case it helped kill... whatever.  And it helped reduce the pain too, yay!

By Tuesday, the white on the left tonsil was gone and the right one was disappearing.

By Wednesday both were almost totally clear and I didn't have a sore throat any more, yay!

I rescheduled things and went back to doing things (they ask you to keep isolating when you're sick).

This week, my tonsils I think are still a bit inflamed (to be honest I'm not sure, I don't look at them much!  I really should take a baseline look one of these days!) so my system is still fighting something, but my walks have left me feeling good again and so the body ick is gone.

So, yeah.  I lost an entire week and then a few days of the next week to something.  Something that didn't test as Covid.

Legit not sure what I picked up.  Maybe it was my body hating on the alcohol and cupcakes, who knows.  Maybe it's being at [workplace] and being exposed to more germs even with a mask and hand washing?  Or maybe it was allergies gone bad.  I don't know, I still don't own a magic scanner to tell me what's going on!

I'm happy to be passing health checks again and feeling better if not perfect.

And with that, I'm off to check my tonsils in the mirror again!  Stay well you guys!

Um, I Think I Broke

Honestly, I'm not sure I know how to "human" anymore.

And I feel like I'm too old to like relearn because people will notice?

A friend at [workplace] said we should get together for an outside tea and catch up and I kind of panicked.  I said something about oh not this weekend but yes for sure!  But I'm honestly freaking out.

I feel like I don't remember how to have that kind of a meet up anymore.  How do I hold conversation?  I feel ridiculously nervous about and it and honestly if I told her that she'd probably be totally understanding but you guys it feels so weird.

It's like the time off over the last number of years and really only spending time with Jason, with whom I have pretty intense conversations about all sorts of things, and then the pandemic in the last year or so... it's like I feel like I don't know how to talk about.... things?  I'm scared.

Yes, this is most likely "social anxiety" doing its thing but also .... lack of practice maybe?

I mean at [workplace] I can put on that sort of professional thing and be like OH YES HELLO FELLOW SPY HOW WAS YOUR THEFT OF DIAMONDS TODAY?

But that's not, you know, normal human interaction...

And I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!!!

I mean I can probably ask about their life and family and stuff but when anyone asks me anything I have nothing at all to talk about.  Um... I haven't had a life in years?  I'm scared of Covid?  I'm volunteering part time at [workplace] but not doing much there to talk about?  OMG I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT OMG!

But I mean, do you want to talk about the state of the world?  How the neighbouring country has deteriorated lately?  Want to discuss what changes might be possible for police forces?  Supports for the homeless?  I might be able to, you know, carry on some convo around that because that's sharing feelings and opinions and thoughts.  I don't have a life to share.

I don't go anywhere or do anything.  I have no husband or children to talk about.  No hobby I'm currently pursuing.

I... watch shows, but most of them are old, repeats... comfort shows.  I don't know.  I don't think I have much to talk about and I don't think I can meet for ten minutes and then be like ok then bye!

I think, were this to happen (I'm not sure that it will... fucking anxiety and avoidance) I'd rely on hearing about this person's life and family and I'm sure it'd go well and be energizing and fun.

But damn if it doesn't feel weird.

Sigh.

So, May

We're in May, eh?  I mean, that's a thing that happened.  You know, five frigging months into this year somehow?  When really last year didn't happen at all?  

I'm so time confused.  I am.

People around me are starting to get vaccinated.  Or to book their vaccination.  If you're not from BC, they've been doing them aged based, but also chose to do community (pharmacy based) of the Astra Zenica one (I may have spelled that wrong, but you know what I mean) and a few folks I know managed to get in that way.  And the public health run ones are starting to get closer to my general age group and that of some of my peers and colleagues (and siblings... by the end of next week both of my brothers will have gotten their first vaccination and yes my parents have both already had one!)

I've registered with the system and figure I'll be done in the next month or two with my second dose probably by early Fall.  

Not that it matters terrifically.  I'm not sure how different I'll feel being vaccinated?  It's this weird limbo I'm finding myself in right now of not knowing how it's been over a year of this and yet sort of still not being used to seeing masks but it's not bizarre but no it really is bizarre.

One of the big concerts I was supposed to go to last year (Roger Waters in Vancouver) is rescheduling for next Fall (2022) and I don't know for certain if I'll feel comfortable going over and being in a crowd of that size?  But I am holding on to the rescheduled tickets and if I choose not to go at the time I'm ok at this point with losing the money (or reselling I suppose...meh.)

I have no idea when they'll take away the mask mandate or how that will feel.

They've got travel restrictions in place for us here right now but ironically the zone they have me in is actually larger than I've ever felt travelling before... go figure.  (It's by health authority and the whole Island is one zone, but I've not felt comfortable driving an overnight since this all started.)  Do I feel comfortable trying a camping trip?  I don't know.

I'm honestly already really anxious about Summer and heat.  Last year was miserable for me.  I've looked a little into portable air conditioning units but I just don't know... plus money I don't really have.

And I think last year I was really scared of going out of town at all.  Like even an hour out of town scared me, so I didn't do much.  Will I feel better about it this year?  Not sure.  Will knowing it's "allowed" make me more comfortable?  Maybe.  I'm still just so concerned about possibly spreading Covid (less so I think about contracting it elsewhere, but that's there too).  Sigh.  

Maybe being at least partially vaccinated will make me relax a bit?  I mean that would be great if it did. 

My understanding is that if you're vaccinated you're far less likely to die from contracting Covid or to need hospitalization.  So you could still contract it or spread it but it will be less likely to be as devastating.

But I mean, honestly, I still don't want it.

And that goes for most of the illnesses out there to be honest.

Shingles?  Don't want them.  Measles?  No thanks.  Whooping cough?  Well, got that as an adult actually, it was miserable.  No thank you. I mean you guys I don't even want a cold.  You know?  Not that anyone really enjoys being sick but yeah, I suppose I'm "extra" scared of Covid.  Blah.  And yes, I'll get around to talking about my "probably a cold" from the other week or so.  It wasn't Covid.  I got tested.  And there was a lot of relief when that came back with a negative, let me tell you.

So yeah, May.  A weird month.  Full on Spring... hinting of Summer.

And yet I've woken up in the middle of the last two nights to pull one of my windows shut for the cold.

Go figure.

 

Off

Hey Y'all.

I've been sick this week.

Not terribly so but enough that I wasn't able to do anything as I didn't pass health screenings, so all my things got cancelled.  I wasn't sick enough according to the Covid self-screen to get a test so I have been in a bit of a limbo.

Yesterday morning I was woken up by my throat (not being able to swallow without a fair amount of discomfort) and it was on the other side from the sore throat I'd had all week and so I looked at it with a flashlight and, well, things did not look good.  

I spent most of the morning on hold with 811 (they were incredibly busy and very apologetic for the wait) and they had me speak to a doctor and arrange a Covid test.

The Covid test was the gargle kind (I had the nose swab when I got tested last year) and again everyone there was lovely.

I'm awaiting results (although not too worried to be honest, I don't think I've contracted it, but I should probably knock on wood) and to see how I feel and if no improvement I'll try to get in to see a doctor in person to have them take a look and possibly swab for... er... whatever... strep?  I don't know.

I'm, again, not terribly sick.  I don't have a fever.  I'm tired but not devastatingly so.  I have the ongoing allergy type symptoms of runny/stuffy nose.  It's the throat that's been a little unusual.  I've had strep before and it's not that painful, especially since right now (knock on wood) it's only the one side (at a time?)  So because of the lack of fever and all the folks I've met with virtually don't have much to say other than stay home, stay isolated, gargle with salt water and, er... get better?

So my Sunday was spent dealing with the calls and the call backs and the appointments and the waiting so writing didn't happen and may not depending on how today goes and how I feel.

Looks like I'll be cancelling things again all this week, but hopefully I'm on the mend. (The thought I had Saturday night before I woke up with extra bad sore throat was "I'm sick of being sick" so.... time to feel better please!)

No, But Seriously!

I keep thinking lately that I want to read while I'm going for my walks!

I can't really explain it other than I'd like to use my time walking while also reading.  You know, an even better use of time!

Not always mind you, but just some days I'm thinking of heading out for a walk and I also think "I wish I could read my book while I'm walking".

I mean, I guess I technically could but.... you know, not safely!  And probably not at a decent speed.

I used to (back when I went to the gym) almost always read while on the treadmill.  But I'm not sure how much of that I processed to be honest.  Magazines usually, so not something I really needed to pay hard attention to.

But never before in my life do I remember having the thought that I wanted to go outside, and go for a walk, but to be holding and reading and paying attention to a book while I did so.  Chop chop, use that time wisely, me!

(Weird)

Health - Mental

Years ago, I read an article about an artist who "documented" his decline into alzheimer's with self portraits.

The article (linked above) disturbed me because you could see him losing his ability and skill as the years progressed and I found that upsetting and uncomfortable.  But yes, also fascinating.

Well, fast forward to today, and I follow a number of artists on their social media.

One has a very cartoony simple style (he calls himself Mr Doodle and has been honest about what I'm about to talk about) and I've followed him and his very distinct style for a while.

Recently he posted that he'd been absent for a while because he'd been diagnosed as having a psychotic episode and the issues and treatment he'd had around and since that.

I bring this up in relation to the aforementioned article because to my eye, his style of artwork has changed dramatically since he "came back" and I can't help but wonder if this is something to do with what went on or is going on in his brain.

I'm hesitant to say anymore lest I come across rudely but I think we know that art and mental health and brain health are related and even though I may be wrong in this case (he may have just decided to change up his style rather than his style changing with his mental health) it's fascinating to possibly be noticing what I've only previously read about.  If that makes sense.

I don't read through the comments left on his work, so I don't know if anyone else is wondering these same things (Did the psychosis change his brain in such a way he now is a different style artist?  Is he suffering still?  Does he notice?  Is it related?  Is it a medication thing?  Did he feel constrained by his former style?) but I am also a little shy to say that I am not enjoying his current works (I feel guilty saying that knowing what he's told us he went through.)

But I am interested and curious, and it has been interesting to be an active part of this ongoing journey in this artist's social-media-life.

I Come By It Naturally

I've noticed that this year I keep getting my age wrong.  And the extra weird part about it is that I keep getting my age wrong by a year forward.  I'm aging myself?

I blame Covid and the loss of 2020 and a general sense of time being weird and normal things not mattering, but it was my Mom's birthday the other day and I mentioned to her that I keep getting my age wrong (I legit have to pause if anyone asks how old I am) and she said she does the same thing.  "I keep thinking I'm next year's age!"  OH, ME TOO!

So I'm my mother's daughter it seems.  And she's also said this is her last birthday so she's going to technically just keep being this age. (She hits a -0 milestone next birthday)  Ok Mom!

Maybe You Already Knew This!

Recently I learned that there is what I like to call "extra fancy butter"!

The term that's used on the package is "grass fed" but "extra fancy" is way more fun to say in my view!

I heard about it on a documentary I watched about (long story short) healthy fats and I mentioned it to Jason (who is the foodie in my life) and he said "oh, yeah, it's really good it's just really expensive"

So I decided a couple of weeks ago to splurge.  And yes, this stuff is much more expensive than regular butter but I also noticed a few things.

One, I feel less guilty about it (because I can tell myself that the cows are happier... ahem)

Two, it cooks differently!  Which is neat to notice!

Like I'll often have a fried egg (don't know what else to call it)  So I put some butter in a small pan, put down the egg, let it cook, flip it over, done.  

I did this with the fancy butter and y'all?  It didn't melt the same way - a totally different consistency.  And when the egg was cooked, there was still a bunch of it left in the pan so it's like the egg didn't absorb it or something?  Which meant next time I could use less!

I think it tastes better too although I'm not honestly sure I can notice a massive difference.

But three, it is spreadable out of the fridge.  Which is something apparently Canadians have noticed about "regular" butter lately... that it is not, and it used to be and it's something to do with something something not so good.

Four, it's healthier.  Like it's got more healthy things in it than "regular" butter.  I could list them all but it'd just be from a google search so, yeah, healthy stuff.  Some of that "good" stuff is the healthier fat and I'm working on more "good" fat in my diet rather than just fat fat.  

I don't use a whole lot of butter myself, and Jason does a lot of cooking for me and I don't think I can afford to supply his kitchen with extra fancy butter but I may see if it's financially viable to keep some in my fridge.

Feels a little bit "back to basics" in terms of I sort of wish I could feed myself from my own magical mini farm with super natural healthy stuff, but that's not my life right now so this is a small way to be a little more natural.  Albeit a not too cheap way.

For Real... The Weather!

Y'all?  We had a total overnight weather/heat switch this week (last week).  Like... seriously.

Two weeks ago I was talking about the wind having a real bite and we had some hail recently and, well it's just early Spring, you know?

I had noticed some change in the temperature over the last month or so mind you.  My "extra" winter blanket was off/down some nights and back up other nights.  I could open my bedroom window(s) some nights and nearly close them others, so it was warming.  At least a little.

And then they said "oh, warm weather to come" and you kind of smile and nod and go uh huh because, well, it's April, right?

But no, what they meant was HA HA HA WARM WE WEREN'T KIDDING! weather, as I said, really overnight.

As in... one night I had ALLLLLL my Winter blankets on and the next I had both bedroom windows wide open and all my blankets off but one.  It was a crazy, sudden switch.

I looked over the forecast for the week and the numbers they were saying sounded silly.  We'd been waking up to light frost.  Overnight lows of maybe 2, sometimes less.  Now they were talking about daytime highs of 20 something?  I beg your pardon?

But yeah, we're going to be around 20 (celcius) until later this week when it should cool off and maybe bring us some (needed) rain.  It's been... weird.

And I'll be really honest again, not great on my health.  Sigh.

My body really doesn't seem to like heat anymore.  (I'm convinced it's age combined with thyroid)  And heat triggers anxiety/panic attacks for me so it's not something I look forward to, which actually sucks because for many weeks like this are amazing.

For me, I get nervous.

I also am not wanting too much sun.  Not just for the heat but for my skin.  My skin burns at so much as a hint of sun these days.  I'll go for a walk and come back with a bright red face and legit not know if it's from sun, or exercise or heat or exertion or..... all of the above?  

I mean I was out this weekend for a walk for around an hour and I had a hat and sunglasses and I still had a red face that evening.  WHY????????  I tried!

It's not that I'm complaining exactly, because the brightness is lovely.  It's just that my relationship with heat isn't a good one anymore.

I think it was after the first or second warm day that I chose to enact what I lovingly call my "hot weather protocols" that usually don't come out til Summer.

Blinds down (partially open) on my windows.  Windows all fully open.  Lighter/different clothes.  And, yes, I got out my box fan over the weekend.  Sigh.  (I'd kind of hoped that would jinx the heat away again for a while but it hasn't worked yet!)

Which reminds me, any advice for de-dusting a fan that I can't take apart?  (My stand up fan has gathered dust over winter and I can't disassemble it to dust it.)

Unfortunately I'm really anxious now about Summer, and especially how to manage my body in it, and this apartment that DOES NOT cool off in the evenings.

I know my former upstairs neighbours bought an A/C unit (didn't find that out til they moved and another neighbour told me how much they loved it... explains that noise I wondered about eh?) But I'm not sure that's a great move for me, and it's certainly not in my budget.  But my lord... I'm anxious about more heat.  Which legit sucks y'all.  It really really does.

I have "salt tabs" that supposedly help balance my body/electrolytes out to help my system manage heat and I know from Burning Man year two that if I actually eat well (rather than snack) my body does better.  Same with ice in drinks... (reminds me to go make some ice...  I put the trays away last year to make more room for frozen stuff for Covid cuz... in case of all the bad things)

But yeah, our weather majorly shifted last week and it's been a bit of a quick adjustment and I wish I felt differently but I'm super anxious about summer heat to come.  

Blah.

A (Not That Important) Followup

Turns out I just couldn't get through that book that I mentioned fast enough.  Not sure exactly why, but I do think that trying to watch the show version at the same time messed with my enjoyment of the book.

And I wasn't able to renew it... AND the library had my next book ready for me so I actually gave up and didn't bother trying to finish it.  Not something I do very often if ever.  But I suppose I feel like having watched that story line progress on the tv version, I knew where it was going anyway, even if without so much detail.  Know what I mean?

I may re-order the book to try to finish it, but I do think a break is in order.

The current book I have has also been turned into a tv show (Lovecraft Country) but I haven't seen that show yet so there won't be that same feeling of confusion and interference. (I don't have the streaming service that it's on and I'm not too worried about it)

So I did try to renew the Expanse 3 book for a second time but wasn't able to and so that combined with the new book being in, well, I took it back, a couple of days early too.  I wasn't going to finish so... yeah.  New book here I come, no promises on my attention span though, sorry!

Dear Me

Dear Myself,

I would not recommend that you ever do again what you are doing right now.  Which is reading a book series while also watching the tv series based off of the book series.  

It's not working for you!

Signed, 

Me

See... initially I heard about this series "The Expanse" (sci-fi) and I tried watching it but I wasn't interested for whatever reason at the time.  And then years later I decided to give the book(s) a try and I really enjoyed the first.  It was a big (as in lots of pages) but fast read, if that makes sense and I treated myself to the second book for Christmas.  And then there was a whole kerfuffle of excitement when I found out the library had the series and I got the third out and yay! (Except honestly I maybe should have taken a break between 2 and 3 but that's not important right now.)

And then Amazon INSISTED on giving me a free month's trial of Amazon Prime video service and I saw that they hosted the show and so I started watching the series again.  And I enjoyed it more this time, so I kept watching.

So as I was reading (slowly this time... what, I'm sleepy!) the third BOOK, I was making my way through the first season... so no problem, I already knew the story line right?  But then in the tv season two they sort of jumped ahead or something and invented new characters that were half of another character but also not and then they took a storyline from an entire other character who showed up much later but it was ok because I was still ahead in my reading and I powered through that tv season and then I moved on to the same season as book and that's when things got messy.

Because my brain, reading in bed at night, started to confuse the tv series timeline with the book timeline and the pace was not the same and of course they've got more detail in the books but it just got really confusing.  But I don't plan on paying for Amazon so I'm trying to get as much of the series watched as I can which means I'm now ahead of the book I'm reading plot/story wise and it's hurting my brain you guys!!!

So, I'm reminding myself that this isn't something I should do again.  Like, read the books and then watch the series... that's fine.  But the concurrent read-watch?  Yeah, that's messing with my brain man!  

(I'd put the book down, but I have to get it back to the library, and I'd stop watching the series but I only have the one month free trial so I kind of oopsed myself here, you know?)

A Regret

I was driving home the other night thinking about things... as happens sometimes.

I was thinking about this pandemic.  And about my mental health.  And I was wishing that I hadn't been afraid to write about them here.

I think this came up because recently as I was dealing with the ongoing flickr/blog photo replacement thing, I ended up coming across my posts about the solo trip to Burning Man I took in my van and I had kept notes at that time and was able to write about the trip and how it felt and re-reading all of that brought it all back to me and I was able to remember, very clearly (possibly too clearly, wow) the things that happened that my mind had let go of and I found myself wishing I had that same remembering available around other things.

Like the decline of my mental health and onset of the anxiety as an overwhelming thing.  I really really wish I had written completely honestly about that at the time so that I could look back on it now and either see how far I've come, or give my past self hugs and compassion for having gone through all that.

I know in part I didn't talk about it much because I didn't know how to talk about work things that were messing me up without naming the work I do, so I just avoided the topic all together.  And I wasn't well, so maybe making words make sense wasn't within my capability.... I don't recall.  But I wish I had something more to look back on.  I'm kind of bummed.

Same with the pandemic.  Sure I wrote about it.  But I know I was trying not to cause hysteria or upset and so I was mindful of my words and what I put out... and again, right now I wish I hadn't.  Like I wish I had a more honest first person account to look at, you know?  

I don't know if my thoughts here will change anything because I still want some anonymity and I still don't want to reveal much more about myself or my life and I don't really want to "spread" my anxiety... if that's a thing...

But I dunno.  I wish I'd kept that online diary of a few more things more real.  For myself.  Trying to keep things low key and semi private/anonymous has meant not talking about a lot.  And I suppose I'm having a moment or two of regret about that.

Overthought

So this is one of those posts where I'm totally overthinking something like when I try to think about the process of reading... or how my fingers are moving around a keyboard to make words and then my brain breaks because WHAT?

I've noticed for a while now... like not all the time but sometimes... that my speech has changed.

Not the words I say but like my pattern of speech?  My word making?  Any SLPs in the house who can give me the term?

Like I sort of have got almost a lisp now with some words?  I am SURE I am saying them differently than I used to.  Like my jaw/mouth/tongue are moving in different ways and IT IS WEIRD!

When I stop to think about it I figure it has something to do with aging but also probably something to do with my breathing and maybe like as I "got" allergies and that did things to my nose/breathing for real it meant I have adjusted how I physically speak to allow for the breathing changes?

And y'all I am interested in this enough to be like "I should study this!" because maybe it's a thing? And then I start to wonder about all this mask wearing and I KNOW it's affecting my jaw muscles so is it also changing my speech?  I WANT TO KNOW.

But like I get that this isn't something that's necessary to think about, but I've noticed it (my "s"es sound... different, have for a few years now I noticed) and it's like... why?  Why exactly?

Speech, y'all.  It's weird if you think about it too much.  (I mean most things are, but yeah)

My mouth shapes are different.  I swear.

A Weird Experience

Have you ever gone through a planned power outage?  You know, one that wasn't a surprise?

Maybe they're more common than I think, but I went through one a while ago and it was kind of a unique experience.  At least for me.

Our power company (BC Hydro) let us know a bit in advance (I've genuinely forgotten how far in advance to be honest, my bad!) and I think they did a really good job of trying to make sure we were informed.  I got a card/note in the mail.  I also got an email and a phone call (all spaced out, as in not all at the same time, some closer to the actual date).  And I assume they sent a notice to our building itself as the manager put up some signage the night before the actual event.

It was kind of unsettling, to be honest, because usually with a power outage (and I haven't had many since I moved here, I must be on a pretty solid grid...) it's a bit of a surprise and you just kind of adjust.  But with this?  I had time to think about it.  And I decided to ask Jason if he'd be ok with me spending the day at his place (seeing as he's my bubble person anyway).  He said that was fine but I still felt like I was imposing (thanks brain!) because the power was planned to be off pretty much for an entire day... like 9-5 sort of thing.  With the warning of course that it might not happen if something else came up.

And I didn't want to accidentally open my fridge and ruin my food.  And my bathroom doesn't have a window so it would have meant either darkness in there all day or candles.  And just all in all it felt easier and smarter and more comfortable to be elsewhere and with it being Covid... I had my one option and thankfully it was a go.

I've just remembered now, it would have meant no internet at my place too.  Which, I mean of course I can survive without it but it sure makes a down day go faster, you know?

I didn't think too hard about how much of my neighbourhood was going to be dealing with the same thing but that evening as I was checking to see if the power was back on I had my "oh... right" moment of it was a good few of us dealing with this, not just my building... go figure.

And they'd warned us to unplug things, so I did what I could.  I mean I couldn't get to my fridge/stove as they suggested, so I made sure my electronics were unplugged and stuff like that.  I guess there's a possible surge with this kind of thing that's maybe different from a power outage?  Or like I don't know... electricity is still a bit of a scary mystery to me, maybe I should unplug things next time there's a non-planned outage too?  Dunno man.

But yeah, that was a first for me and a unique situation... the knowing it was going to happen versus the random outage.

So my fridge stayed closed and my electronics are fine and I assume they fixed or upgraded whatever they needed to and yay for electricity, am I right?

Until It's Obvious

I like crows.  But I love ravens.

I think ravens are super extra cool and I usually hear them more than I see them, or at least I think so.

The other day my local crows (you know the ones you assume live in your general neighbourhood) were upset and I peered out my window to see what they were yelling at and that's when I remembered the size difference between crows and ravens.  Because in the middle of that "yelling" group of crows there flew a seemingly unconcerned raven and he/she was SO much bigger than the crows.

It's like I forget the size difference when I see them by themselves, but seeing them that close together, especially in flight really drives it home.

I'm sure I'll forget the next time I see a solo raven out and about but yeah, that was a neat reminder.  Thanks Nature!

Self Imposed

I know this isn't news or new information but I feel like over and over this past week or so I keep thinking/realizing "I am so so hard on myself."

And each time I've been hit with or reminded of that thought it kind of knocks me over... it's not a good thing.  Not anymore.  Like, maybe it was, but it's not anymore.  (And I suspect it never really was but got me through so I kept doing it.)

I'm trying to come up with a way to explain what I mean here...

(Probably going to fail at that WOO HOO.... you see how this works?)

So let's say my garbage is getting full.  And I know this because I notice the level of my garbage every time I put something in it.

And let's say that last night when I put something in the garbage my brain went "should probably take that out soon".

Then there's usually an immediate almost whining (think surly teenager) thought of like "but I don't want to" as in, "well it's late now, and I don't want to go outside, it's dark and cold and I already have my pjs on and I can just do it in the morning" and often that includes some sort of sense of "I suck".  Like "oh, I'm too lazy to go do it now, UGH" and, well "do it in the morning I guess... loser".

Which as we know, if I was saying that to a roommate or a child, we'd all be horrified, but saying it silently to yourself?  Shrug.

So then the next morning at some point there will be this sort of heavy feeling.  A sense of doom?  THE GARBAGE IS FULL AND YOU NEED TO TAKE IT OUT.  And that heavy draining sensation just sits there.  And honestly, when it's something far more important than taking the garbage out or even if it's not that important, the feeling is even more urgent.

And then I sort of, without actual internal speech (so it's more like a sense or feeling than an actual conversation with words in my head) I start to be mad at myself.  Or to be angry about the weight of having to take out the garbage.  Or the fact that I haven't done it yet or didn't do it last night and there's this constant sense of "I suck" or some version of that that is negative and unkind.

And so let's say I take the garbage out.  It's done.  New bag in and all the rest.  Well it's not as if that internal self-hate stops.  It's like it has to get the last word (feeling) in.  Like how this is all just going to play out again next time the garbage is full and how I shouldn't even have garbage because I'm ruining the world and I should be recycling that plastic even though there's a pandemic and I'm stupid to be afraid of going into places to recycle plastic so the entire environment is falling apart because I'm TOO SCARED of a virus and god I suck.  

And so with this one weird example I can sit and see just how harsh I am with myself and how horrible the thoughts and feelings and internal non-dialogue is.

And I keep waking up and feeling this pressure of SHOULD.

Like, well today I SHOULD write blog posts.  And make art.  And read that book.  Oh and look into renewing the library book too because you're not reading it fast enough.  You suck at art by the way and everything is lame.  Shouldn't have bought that book, you're avoiding reading it.  Oh, don't forget to text everyone to make sure they're ok and they know you care.  Not that they text you because they have real friends, you know, not you.  And try on those pants to see if you're keeping them and eat better.  You're eating crap.  Never going to be fit.  Going for a walk today?  You don't even want to do you, you're just that lazy.  You should.  You should have gone first thing.  Except you slept in because you're lazy and only going to ruin the rest of your life.

And so on and so forth just this endless, incredibly heavy PUSH of should should should pressure.  

As I was thinking about it this last while I wondered when (as an adult) was the last time I allowed myself to just... not.  Like for an extended period of time. 

And I don't think I have or do.  Because it feels like there's this worry or concern that if I don't stay on top of things things will get unmanageable (?)

Like if I imagine letting myself do nothing, no "should"s.... I will turn into this lazy hideous person who hasn't bathed in a month and has trash all over their house and no bills paid and so that's a pretty intense feeling but it's there, obviously...

I mean not that I'm perfect.  Nope.  My place isn't spotless.  My floors aren't washed or dusted.  Bathroom could use a cleaning.  Kitchen table couldn't be eaten on right now so it's not as if that fear of not keeping up means I have a perfect record.

This isn't something I have a clear answer on how to "fix", by the way, and yes it's come up in counselling.  But I am really aware right now of how hard on myself I am and that it's not getting me anywhere and not improving my life in any way I can tell.

Just a thought.  A realization.  An awareness.

Something I'd like to change and eliminate, but I'm not sure how, and I doubt it'll be overnight.

Slick Like Butter!

I was out for a walk over the long weekend, and I had just started whatever podcast I was listening to so my brain was either focussed or distracted and it was earlier than I usually walk and so perhaps I was a bit tired as well and I say this because I was unable to human properly.

See, I passed by a nice fellow (at a distance) and he cheerfully said "Morning!" And my brain wanted to respond with "Morning!" but also with "Hello" and so I cheerfully called back "Mo!"

Yes... "Mo"  you know... not a word at all?  Not a greeting?  But the start of good combined somehow with the start of morning and well I just kept walking while thinking... MO?  WHAT IS MO???  (So I just kept walking and then immediately texted C-Dawg to tell her how my brain just broke!)

Oh brain...  you so silly sometimes!

Um....

I am about to say something overly dramatic, but... for the first time in a long time I'm not happy with a haircut!  (OH NOES!)

I've been letting my hair grow for most of this last year.  I actually looked it up and it had been nine months since my last cut, mainly because of Covid and me keeping my "exposures" low when and where I can.

I've had my hair long for ages now, and the shortest I'll let it get is "long enough to put into a small bun", as in, when I want it to go up it needs to go up.

Yes, I use my hair for temperature control, but also to get it out of the way of food or paint or whatever else.

So as it just kept growing, I adjusted to the longer than usual length.  Until it got to the point of being just a bit too long.  And by "too long" I mean, it wasn't really able to keep up in a bun, the bun would be too heavy and kind of fall over or fall out (my hair is quite silky apparently?)

And so it was just kind of a bit too much and with warm weather approaching, I wanted to be able to put it up.

So I made my appointment and when I went I said, yeah cut off as much as needed as long as I can just have a small bun.  She measured it out.... asked if I was sure, I said yep!

She cut off a chunk, asked again.. I said yup, sure go for it, and so we did.  Cut off probably 6 inches?  It was middle of my back, probably lower back maybe even and now it's at my shoulders.

Which was my plan.  

But now that it's there, I don't love it.

It doesn't behave the same way that the longer (heavier) hair has over the last year.  And yes, it's possibly a couple of inches shorter than I've had it in a while and of course it was quite a big, sudden change and I realized when I got home that that's probably why she asked me a few times if I was sure.  And I didn't know better and thought short would be "good for summer and any possible closures" so I said yeah, go for it.

But now I'm missing some of the length.

I mean there's the whole funny part of chopping off longer hair where you go to brush/comb/wash it and your muscle memory is thrown off... There's how much further the usual amount of shampoo goes (I should really remember to pump out less next time!).  And there's the bun that goes up and stays up and is so light I can forget about it... which is great for Summer heat for sure.  (She says in early Spring... sigh)

I'm not loving it.  It doesn't behave how I'm used to or dry how I'm used to or look how I'm used to.  And yes that's vain, and I know it's just hair and I'm not really all that bothered I mean I got exactly what I asked for... hair that's easy to put up and stays up (and isn't too heavy when up.) So.... yeah.

But maybe cutting all six inches off was a bit too much.... Oh well, it'll grow, and I can maybe figure out a length that is longer but not too long... you know, the Goldilocks length!

Oh.... Well....

I feel like that long weekend (I hope you had a long weekend!?) was extraordinarily well timed for me.

I just... needed the four days off in a row, you know?  Four days of... not.

It wasn't perfect for me, I was quite grumpy and low and not in a good place for about half of it, so that wasn't.... good.

But on Sunday I had just the kind of day I needed with Jason... calm, quiet, mellow, easy, comforting and comfortable.  Plus I "vented" to him, which means I got a whole lot of things out of my system and off my chest while he patiently listened.  And I had a little cry that's probably been needing to come out for a while now.  Which meant my Monday was a really nice feeling day.  Which I so so needed, you know?

Weather's been nice.  Chilly, especially at night (still haven't eliminated "Winter blankets" yet... go figure), but lovely.  Spring like.   (My radiator is low, but not off yet.)

The light in the evenings still throws me off time wise but that just is what it is.

I write this Monday evening and the stressors of the week have snuck up on me and I feel anxious, but I had a good day, and a good Sunday and I'm grateful for that.

I hope you had a good weekend too, or at least a decent one. 

April, Come She Will

Of course I want to rant.  

Of course I want to complain.

Of course I want to yell all my judgments out at anyone to prove that I am so much more right then whoever is running things, of COURSE I DO.

But... I don't.

Not publicly, and not really privately either, if I'm honest.

I don't see that it's helpful in any way though (other than possibly relieving some stress but even that is questionable, really.)

I could (and I have) write to someone.  A local official.  A federal official.  I could write a letter or send an email saying "Please stop travel.  Both international and provincial, please!" (I have before.) But it's really not my call.  And I'm not sure I put much faith in petitions for these things either... so... me angrily posting about it or telling my friends/family how they (the government?) is "doing it wrong" is just, for me, more upsetting.  Get me (and others) more riled.  I see it all the time.  People upset about how this or that is being handled... vaccine rollout choices, closing indoor dining, but not closing schools, whatever is chosen or announced people are mad and upset about it.  It's not what *they* think is right and omg I get it.  I totally get it.  I have my own personal thoughts and judgments around what I think "should" be done, but I'm not a public health officer.  I'm not an epidemiologist, I'm not a government official or elected official or any of those things (spoiler!) so I leave it up to them to look at whatever data they're looking at and make the decisions THEY think are best, and I try not to rant about it because it won't change anything and won't help...

Do I judge people who are making certain choices?  Yup.  Do I feel a certain way when I see people visiting from elsewhere?  YUP!  Have I been concerned for a long while about people doing things that I think are unsafe and possibly selfish?  Absolutely.

I just tend to keep that all to myself.  Now is that healthy?  Nah.  Probably not.  I'd probably be happier and healthier if I ranted it out now and then but I don't feel like spreading that around.

I guess I could journal (privately, paper journalling I mean) and maybe I will, but I just really feel like complaining about how things are being handled doesn't help. 

This is frustrating.  It's frightening (again).  It's long and drawn out and some folks felt the new year and vaccines would be the end of it and now are maybe struggling with accepting that's not the reality.

I am SO done with having an ongoing global pandemic.  I want it to go away.  And I've felt that way for a year + now.  

I do not know how to start to consider that this might not ever "end".... not really.  Because that is a possibility.  So how do I figure out how to have more of a life than what I've had this past year while still being safe and dealing with anxiety on top of that.  I guess I'll just have to find out as it happens.  But yeah, it's hard to plan.  For me there is no real planning.  And it's hard to feel hopeful or excited about things when I don't even feel comfortable being around people right now.  And I know that's partly a me and my head thing, but damn this is weird and long and tiring and not fun.

Do I wish things were being handled differently on a federal and provincial level?  I don't really know.  There are certainly things I'm not comfortable with (travel being one huge one) but I also don't know all the pieces (economy, mental health, whatever else) that "need" to be considered and taken into account. It's far too easy to judge something we don't know much about.  It happens all the time.  And it's not really all that helpful.  So I'm trying to keep my BLAH inside.

Oh

It's nearly midnight Tuesday (yesterday) as I write this and my feeling is like "oh... right... I didn't get posts done this weekend" and I probably might have totally forgotten but I left this browser page open and I was looking at my tool bar-dock-whatever and it was like hey, this is still here and... oh, I said, oh right... no post for tomorrow.  Or the rest of the week.  Hrm.

And I'm tired.  (See "nearly midnight" above.)  And I think I might use any excuse to cry my heart out for a while so it's probably best I just head to bed and hope that I feel like writing tomorrow.

End of March eh?  Really?  Sigh.

Sleep-Fuelled Honesty

Well I seem to have gotten a decent night's sleep and woken up surprisingly well (for the first time since.... you know what!) so I'm in a far better mood than I have been, which is such a nice change, really.

I've been wanting to write about how anxious I am about Covid right now.  About the vaccine, about the rising rates, about the differing choices people are making, but I've been too grumpy and upset and anxious to write about it (ironically.)  Or I suppose, I could have written about it but I didn't want to be so so dark and anxious.  So, seeing as I'm a little lighter in mood today, and the province has announced a few changes (as of yesterday) maybe I'll give it a go.

I am, for the first time in my life that I can remember, nervous about a vaccine.  It's mainly because everyone's talking about getting theirs and their arm hurt or they felt sick or whatever their reaction was and so it's way more in the forefront of my brain than any other vaccine.  Take the flu shot.  Usually if I hear anyone talking about it it's a friend or family and it's like yeah, felt fine, or yeah this year my arm hurt a bit.  Not... everyone on the entire internet talking about it! (Ok, exaggeration but still...)

I know the basics of how vaccines work, I'm not anxious about it for any reasons other than I don't feel like feeling unwell.  I've gained a bit of sort of, I don't know, medical/sickness dislike?  (not phobia, but strong desire to avoid...) over the past year or so of this pandemic.

I mean of course no one *wants* to get sick (er, with some awkward exceptions I suppose) so it's a normal thing to think "I don't want to get sick" or "I don't want to feel pain".  That's totally normal and like, yeah, good call.

But when fairly normal things get attached to anxiety for me that's when things get a bit tricky.  

I'm not one to have fear around doctors, never have been.  I mean, I was hospitalized when I was a kidlet and even that didn't make me fear doctors (good job BC Children's hospital!!!)  

I've been poked and prodded an blood taken and regular visits since I was a kid.  Not ever been an issue.  I mean, sure, not always delightful but never a fear.

For some reason, once I got unwell with the mental health stuff that I've been dealing with for a while now, I've started to really get anxious about going to the doctor.

I imagine it's some sort of association thing deep in the recesses of my mind, like "doctor said bad thing so doctor make bad thing!" like you know, a primitive response that isn't actually coherent or sensible.

There were times when my old doctor retired and the new doctor took over in a new location that I would have to ask Jason to drive me there because it was too overwhelming (anxiety wise) to drive myself (and I knew that wasn't safe) and so I'd ask for the driving and moral support to go.

And the appointments were always fine and as he drove me home I'd always think well, that wasn't worth getting upset about at all!  But nevertheless, I was.

I worked through that fear over a span of time and was doing pretty darn well and then Covid hit.

And yes, I spent too much time doing too much reading and I knew it but I kept doing it and so even though I don't have to drive to see my doctor, even having phone "meetings" with her stresses me out.  So I am aware there is some medical sort of anxiety stuff going on.

And so yes, I am anxious about the Covid vaccine, not because of any science issues, but just because of medical issues that I don't really have a strong handle on or understanding of.

And yes.... (she says for the third paragraph in a row) I am concerned about the state of Covid in our province right now, and it's weird to no longer be on similar pages with other countries.  Like I have many American friends on my feed and lots of them have been vaccinated or are in the process of it and I'm probably months away (unknown at this time but sooner than I had originally thought) and that feels weird.

And there's still the ongoing difference of opinion around what's "ok" to do and everyone's risk tolerance.

Like I know someone who eats in restaurants regularly (now closed for the time being) and another who is going to see friends outside (is currently allowed, same 9 friends) and people who are planning Summer camping or visits and I... am not there.

I am doing more than I did a year ago, but I'm starting to wonder about that.  And I wonder about double masking or am I really washing my hands as well as I could or should I be wearing that mask on the walk or am I far enough away from everyone and, well I know nothing's as simple as we might like it to be, you know?

Mumble

I'mma be perfectly honest with you and say the time change is still messing with me, most especially in the mornings when I just don't see how I'm supposed to get up so.  damn.  early.

Sigh.

This too shall pass though, right?  Just like March.

(Pretty sure it's still 2020 though.  Still March.... 2020.  Still.)

I'm tired. 

ARRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH

So very much a "first world problem" y'all but I'm having issues with my toilet paper!

No, no, not the "why are people hoarding this OMG?!!" that we had a year or so ago (that was so so weird... so weird.) but like I got an off batch or something?

See, since the hoarding weirdness of last year I have kept a little more on top of my toilet paper buying, as in I buy when I'm about half way out rather than on the last roll or two.... that kind of thing.  Not that these details matter because the issue is that I have a batch that just... IS WRONG!

So I always get the same kind, same brand, whatever.  So it's not like I suddenly bought something different.

But for whatever reasons, this bunch... the ply comes apart (which isn't a big issue at all) (two ply BTW) but the bottom layer STICKS to the layer beneath it!  ARGH.  I don't think I can explain it properly enough but it means that every time I want some TP, I have to carefully pick up the two, now separated layers and rip/unstick the bottom one or else it turns into this weird mess and it's just a disaster waiting to happen!  OH, and??? The two layers don't match up, so when you rip off your amount, they don't rip together so it's gotta be like not a miss-print but a miss.... smush the ply together?  I mean the company probably would want to know about the issue but I have no idea when I bought this so I'd be writing them to say hi, at some point in the last uh... unknown number of months, I bought a pack of your tp and it's weird and annoying and I thought you should know even though I have no information to tell you other than I bought it on Vancouver Island at some point since lockdown last year the end!

And of course this batch is interspersed in my closet with another batch and so I'll go happily through a roll, forgetting about the issue and then I put on a new roll, innocent and fresh and STIIIIIIICKKKKKKK RIIIIIIIPPPPPP ARGH!

Because I'm not going to be wasteful and throw it out or anything and it's more of an annoyance than an actual issue but damn.... annoying toilet paper is annoying!

Knock, Knock.... Do You Have A Moment To Talk About Jello?

Yes, Jello.  Or less specifically gelatin (gelatine). 

I know it's not something everyone likes or agrees with... if I mention it to C-Dawg she says "ewwwwwww, cow's hooves, gross!" and like sure, yes, I get it, but... hear me out...

I discovered, accidentally, that gelatin makes me feel a whole lot better and removes a whole lot of pain so... I'mma tell you my story, k?

Two Christmases ago, my sister in law gave me an "adult" gummy making kit.  I kind of awkwardly laughed about it at the time because even though certain things are legal, they are still not appropriate according to my parents and so I just sort of put the package away.  Oh, I guess I should point out that by adult, I mean can contain products not legal for youth, not "shaped like a penis" although that would have been equally awkward to open in front of my folks to be fair.

So this kit sat around gathering dust until the start of the lockdown last year when I was very scared and anxious at home and looking for things to distract myself with.  So I took this kit out of the cupboard and was surprised at the ease of it... basically, add "adult ingredient in liquid form if you have it", stir in water, watch timing, pour into mould, put in fridge, let set, enjoy.

Huh... my brain said, that was really easy!  I wonder if it's just as easy to make your own gummy bears.  Like, as in, not adult, just, you know, candy!

So I googled recipes and it turns out yes, it really is pretty darn easy to make your own gummy candies.

In one of the many weird, panicked online purchases I made at the start of lockdown last year I ordered some gelatin and some molds (bear shaped of course!) and when they arrived I played around with the recipe.  Maybe I posted about it at the time, but I was trying to be a little healthy so used honey for my sweetener and first batch wasn't enough and second batch was too watery and it took me three trials to get a mixture that had flavour but wasn't stupid sweet and then I had my very own home made gummy bears.  LIKE MAGIC!

And so I chomped down on them and then made some more and chomped down on them and then I tried an "easy" recipe that used Jello as a starter (and flavour/sugar holder) and then I even told people how easy it was to make your own gummy bears.  (And everyone assumed I was making "adult" candies but I was really just making candies.)

I stopped making some for a while and noticed that over the next few weeks I was really aching a lot.  And something in my brain went "pay attention" and so I made some more and I hurt less.  

Hmmm... I googled.

Well, go figure... gelatin can help with decreasing joint pain!  (As well as some other stuff) OMG!

I tried my experiment again... made and ate them?  Noticed reduction in pain and aches.  Stopped eating them?  More achy!!!

Now making the gummies is a bit fiddly, so after a while the novelty of home made candies wore off and I just started buying Jello (purple, er "grape" FWIW) and adding extra gelatin to it.  It's not really enjoyable exactly, like I'm not getting a sugar rush or "yum, dessert" kind of thing out of it, but whenever I think I'll just leave it and not make any, even if I'm not thinking about it, things start to hurt and then when I go back to having some again, things hurt less.

(I'm talking about half a cup of "Jello mix" a day here, so no idea how much gelatin I'm really having)

I can't speak for everyone, and I can't be like THIS IS A MIRACLE but for me it really does make a difference with my daily aches and pains.  For real.

I know there is a vegetarian based substitute but I haven't tried it to can't speak to its efficacy.   And there are other non-Jello ways to add gelatin to your diet.  I told my Mom about it and she brought out her Grandma's recipe book and found all sorts of (kind of weird) gelatin based foods and desserts and she looked into it and found you can actually add it to liquid to drink and as I'm typing this I realized I haven't checked back with her to see if she's still doing it or what.

I mean, everything within reason right and balance and all that but this is a supplement that I have found helps me enough that I notice when I don't, or forget to take it.  And it just so happens that right now I'm taking it with some colour and flavour and calling it Jello.

So, yeah.  Gelatin.  Not saying it will help what ails you but maybe it will.  You know?  And for what it's worth, I do purchase a "grass fed, pasture raised, non GMO" version, so I'm trying... to be mindful and thoughtful.  And I'm grateful too.  And less reliant on other things to reduce pain and discomfort.

 

Look, I Just Really Don't Know

I was heading home from a walk a couple of days ago (yay me, good job, yay!) and the walk isn't really the point of this, but a thing that happened as an example of the sh*t that goes on in my brain all the damn time that I'm really tired of but yet still having a hard time making... go away.  You know?

So I'm heading home and I pass by this stone/rock wall and I notice that it has some (what I assume is) lichen growing on it and the combination of the yellow lichen and the beige stone is a really nice visual and I think to myself, as I'm walking at a fair clip, oh, that would go with that *other* photo I took of the shades of brick I saw and then I could make it a little series of man made things and the interesting shades and tones that happen with weathering... and as I was having that mini conversation in my head I had also noticed that there was a car at the intersection and my brain went "ok, but you can't stop to take that photo because the car people will notice" so I just kept on walking.  I kept on walking, really wanting to stop and turn around but I was stuck on the fact that the car was there.

And honestly, I don't even know what the concern/fear is.  So they notice.  And then?  Is it that they'll think I'm weird?  Is it that they'll wonder what I'm doing?  Is it that they'll mock me in their car as they drive?  I DON'T KNOW!!!! All I know is that my brain notices them there and that's somehow enough for me to not do the thing I kind of want to do.

And this, really, is a prime example of how my particular type of "social anxiety" or maybe even just GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) functions.  Little things like a car with people being there stops me.  Not from speaking in public, not from like smiling at a stranger when I walk by (at a distance) but like these random things I don't even really think about but that just happen.

And then I'll beat myself up over it.  (Which makes it worse.)  Like I'll walk along thinking Oh man I should have stopped, why didn't I stop, what is wrong with me?  Should I just turn around?  Well I can't now, but I could but I mean I won't and maybe I'll remember to take a photo next time I come back here but it might be gone by then and I'll probably forget anyway because remembering stresses me out and it would have been so simple to just stop and take the photo and the car people probably didn't care or wouldn't have even noticed and why did I just assume I'm SOOOOO important that stopping to take a photo of a wall is something some random person would care about OMG I HATE THIS!

And yeah... it's tiring and hurtful and it feels like the only way through it is through it, like to catch myself, turn around and take the photo.  And live through the discomfort or weirdness or whatever feeling part of me was trying to avoid.  My brain is complex.  I figure all our brains are.  My brain frustrates me.  And that's hard to deal with.  Especially when I don't actually understand what exactly is going on.  Honestly, I have no idea why it felt like I "couldn't" just stop and take the photo.  I really don't.

Sigh.

Oh Wow

Oh, y'all?  It took me a while to realize it but I have not been doing as well as I thought I was.

(If that even makes sense the way I typed it...)

So you probably know that a month or so (?) ago, I started a graduated sort of attempted return to my work (that I don't talk about) with some volunteering at [workplace].

And I was supremely anxious about it for all sorts of reasons with the added anxiety of Covid thrown in there for good measure.  (Sigh)

The first week I was exhausted.  And this was unsurprising.  The practitioners (and experts) I spoke to said this was totally normal and to be expected and therefore no big deal and good job me!

Well, ok.  Exhausting but that's apparently "ok" so... we'll just keep on keeping on.  

So I did.  I kept on keeping on and the exhaustion didn't change.  On the non-volunteering days I had no energy and no, what, drive? to do the things I'd been doing previously.  The only days, for example, I'd get out for a walk were the days I was coming home from [workplace] and would just push myself to eat and then get out for a walk before collapsing.  But other than those days there was a sharp drop off of activity and function.  Art creation?  Meh.  Writing?  Meh.  Whatever else?  Meh.  Food?  Meh.  Blah.  "Too tired."

Well this is frustrating, I thought, but it'll likely level off as my body gets used to the new level of activity (and anxiety).   I mean damn... I've been basically not leaving my house other than to visit Jason for dinner (he's my one Covid-bubbble person I'm allowed to see as per PHO) and now I was interacting with WAY more people than I wanted to during an ongoing pandemic and plus doing a whole lot more, for lack of a better term, socializing.  You know, interacting with humans.  There are no humans in my apartment... other than me.  And when I visit at Jason's there is him, and occasionally I say hello to a roommate in the kitchen.  But at [workplace] there are waaaaay more than two people and so even if part of me wasn't scared they might have Covid, I'd still be going from basically 0 to like 80 in terms of being around people.  You know, the thing that literally drains introverts.  So I figured it would level off as I got used to.... all of it.

But it hasn't.  Or it didn't.  And so I mentioned that to the practitioner type people and helper type people and they went... hmmm.... well, let's give it another couple of weeks and see.

But see, I hadn't been telling them about this other thing that I'd started noticing because I didn't think they were related, but the penny dropped this last weekend when I casually brought it up with Jason and he was like OMG YES, but I have been really, like really, really exceptionally hard on myself in the last few weeks or month.  Like just brutally so.

And not even about work.  (Which is why I likely didn't make the connection).  Just brutally unkind about myself and like how I look, or don't look and just generally really really really negative self talk that I found pretty unexpected (it's been a long long while, honestly) and completely draining.  Because it's hard to motivate yourself to get up and head out for a walk when you hear nothing but how awful you are and how fat you are and how old and unattractive you are because man... that is not motivating at all.  Not for me anyway.

So I mentioned this to Jason, how I was feeling really unattractive and miserable and he said that he'd noticed this in a massive way since I went back to [workplace.]

Huh... really?  Yes, really.

So I sat with that for a while.  Pretty confused.  Because I could understand if volunteering made me anxious.  That would make total sense.  And I have ways to help cope with that.  But my anxiety has been, if not great, manageable through this. So... what?  Why?

It's not as if when I'm volunteering people are being mean to me or looking at me funny or anything that could remotely be interpreted as causing such self-destructive talk.

I was sitting feeling really blah on my couch last weekend and for whatever reason I thought "I'll go take one of those online depression quizzes"... no idea why.  And I did one and it was like "hey, you may be seriously depressed, please talk to someone"  Huh...  and I did another and I paid more attention to the questions "how often are you feeling a lack of motivation to do the things you usually do?"  "how often are you noticing negative thoughts and feelings?"  Huh.  Hmmm... And then THAT quiz was like "hi!  you seem pretty depressed, consider talking to a counsellor!" and my brain went, WAIT!  WAIT!  I'm depressed????  I'm depressed!!!

And it was like almost a moment of relief.  Because it's not as if I am suddenly "old and ugly and fat" and whatever else I was hearing in my brain, it was more like the volunteering had triggered a depressive episode and my body and mind had slipped into that state without me even knowing or noticing.  Woah.

And this is one of the reasons I think everyone should consider regular counselling or therapy, because I had a counselling appointment the next day and I went in with this information and honestly, I cried a lot.  And we agreed I was in a depressed state (but not big D depressed exactly) and we talked about the likely reasons my brain had gone there (a subconscious sense of failure from being a part time volunteer at the place I used to be a full time workhorse) and how to move forward in a positive direction while being aware of what was going on and where I was genuinely at.

But I did want to note it.  That I've not been ok.  

And how that "not ok" really did sneak up on me, unnoticed and take over in a way that I did not expect and did not relate to what was going on on the surface.

I wish I could say the "hate myself" thoughts had completely, suddenly disappeared, but I'm still dealing with them, just a little less in the dark now.  I have a lot of anger and sadness (possibly what I meant by the attempted post hint "hate" the other day) and a lot of things to work through and I have no way of knowing if this will improve now that I (and my team) are aware of it.... I don't know.  I don't know and life is a lot and on top of it all I have so many fears and concerns around how we ("society we") are going to move forward pandemic wise in the next 6 months to a year.  Life is a lot right now.  Pandemic be damned.

I Appreciate The Attempt, Past Me

Soooooo, you know how sometimes I make a quick note to myself to remember to write a post about a thought or idea or story later?  And how sometimes I come back to those notes at the end of the week (or a few days later or whatever) and they don't jog any memories at all and so I then have random weird notes I don't know what I meant by?

Yeah.  That.

So... "time change" I already handled that one, no problem, but "breath" and "hate"?  I don't know.  

And no, they weren't even next to each other so it's not like I was trying to say hey when you hate, take a breath or something like that.  

By the way, to add to this.... I actually had recycled the paper I jotted these notes on and then remembered I'd done it while falling asleep and then woke up today and dug through recycling to find it and, yeah... 1 for 3 y'all!  BREATH.  Not even breathe.  Breath.  I have some?  And hate?  Well, I have a lot to say about that but I'm not entirely sure which aspect I was going for so... um, ok, Happy Spring and happy Tuesday and like um maybe next time I leave a note for myself I can maybe try to either write the stuff sooner or leave more detail?  Mmmmmmokbye!

IrkleBurkle

No, the title doesn't mean anything but it is 100% what my brain was "saying" when I sat down to start writing a post so, you know, you're welcome!

Seems I, or we, have survived the first week of the time change.  I tried my different approach this year and I think it helped a little.  But honestly, I kind of lost my sh*t around Tuesday or Wednesday anyway so... I don't know.

Funny, I realized on Friday how many people I was seeing (social media people) saying how awful the week was and how grumpy they were and how this week was just not good, ugh and my brain sort of put two and two together and wondered how many people "aren't bothered" by the time change but had a rough week anyway and just didn't associate the two?  Again... don't know.

My biggest issues time wise this week were the light-confusion around dinner time, like it's *this* light out why is it 7pm?  Oh... right.  And of course my sleep.  Because my lord my sleep was not happy this week.

I kept to my "normal" sleep schedule, getting up at the same time (give or take a few hits of snooze to be honest) and the mornings were rather miserable.  Ok, expected.  But then the evenings were a struggle too.  I find myself sleepy around 4.  Then 7.  And when I go to bed around 10, I'm too tired to keep reading, but then I can't fall asleep.  And even if I'm not playing the "what time is it actually" game it just seemed clear that my system was confused.  Why was I trying to sleep "so early" and MY LORD why was I insisting on getting up SO DAMN EARLY.  Sigh.

So yeah, I have survived the first week of time change and I did ok but not great and I guess it's progress but I also didn't post about my mid week "messed up" break down so..... let's maybe just call it a draw eh?