Thursday, 30 April 2015

Shut Down

Maybe as much as six months ago, Jason asked me to not write about a specific situation that went on between us.  And I kind of feel like I've been pretty shut down ever since.

So I guess I'd say if you know a writer or a blogger and you don't want them to write about your relationship/friendship/etc. let them know at the start.  Let them know early on.  And if you change your mind later, know that it might just mess them up.

I understand privacy and wanting to keep your personal life to yourself, and I feel like I've tried to do that here for myself and for those I might include in the stories I choose to tell.  But Jason is so key to so much of what's going on for me and my thoughts and worries and where I'm at emotionally that I feel like I have nothing to talk about.  Can't/won't talk about work, can't really talk about what's consuming most of my mind so...  been struggling to find things to write about at all for a while now.

Not the most fun feeling.

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Titles

I was thinking the other night about the title of this space.

I've been writing here almost nine years now (which is almost ten years, which is really quite...odd) and I remember probably five or six years ago, someone in my life pointed out that I was sending a pretty loud signal to the Universe.  She felt that I was shouting pretty loudly that I was single, and that the Universe was going to listen to that and bring that back to me.

Ok.  Fine.  I get it.  I've thought myself into being forever single.  Shrug.

I don't give advice a whole lot either.

The name of the blog came to me when the first posts started writing themselves in my head... if you go waaay back in time you'll see I did start by writing actual "letters of advice" to random things and people and so once I had a few of them piled up in my brain I figured the blog was advice... and since I figured I'd be talking about being in the dating world... well, it just seemed to work for a title.

So have I stuck myself in a feedback loop of being single?  Maybe.  Right now I just kind of give up on it all anyway.

I don't know if I'm being overly defeatist but I just don't see me finding someone who has everything I would want in a partner/relationship so I will just work on accepting that it's going to be me, just me and I'll have to be ok with that.

I feel kind of disappointed by that because I do so love cuddles and having someone to share with and do things with.  Jason has been filling that roll for most of a year now but he's in a place right now where he can't, so I'm in the not nice feeling spot of not wanting to date or deal with a new person, and feeling like he won't be what I want/need anyway, but still wishing I could help Jason feel better about things and it's all just blah.  Blah and ick and sad and hard and so that is probably partly why my brain went to where it did.

Should I change the name of the blog?  Words from a.... woman?  I don't know what it would change to, quite honestly.  So it is what it is and if the Universe is feeding off of my blog's title and catchphrase, then I suppose I'll just have to choose a lot more carefully next lifetime.  Or blog-time, or whatever.

And yeah.  I'm single.

*shrug*

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Mini Update

The mini ants have not returned to my apartment.

I'm cold now without the radiator turned on, but I think blankets and hot water bottles are a better solution than having to constantly squish the crawly guys.

I'm sure they're still "here", I'm just not seeing them and I'm ok with that.

Suppose I should tell pest control or the building people but... not sure what they'd do as I doubt they'll want to go after the whole colony/nest wherever it might be.

But yes, for now, I'm on the chilly side but think I may actually have figured out the ant situation.

Thanks, Google and outside of the box thinking!

Monday, 27 April 2015

On A Roll

So I just finished writing about last week's Burning Man ugh dream and I got another one this week!

This time though, it was C-Dawg... We were at Burning Man, our first day in the forest (which was kind of like the forest the Vikings went to in their celebration thing and also maybe because the two local burner communities have mid-season burns in forests?  I don't know, my brain just does these things) and it was getting close to dinner time and she kept getting text messages on her phone and finally told me she had to go get more money from her ex.

Next thing I knew she was gone and I was bummed and I had to go find my other friend who was dressed as a strawberry to have dinner with them under their picnic tent type thing.

Huh?

No, I don't really get it either.  That's ok.  Guess it's a healthy way for my brain to blow off some steam, yeah?

Saturday, 25 April 2015

Another One, Ugh!

I had another "family Burning Man" stress dream/nightmare Saturday (early) morning.

We (my entire family this time, not just Mom and Dad) woke up the morning we were to be leaving for Burning Man (they'd all decided they wanted to come this time) and it was already 7:30 and no one was ready to go.  This was stressing me out.

And then they told me they didn't need bikes and were just going to walk (ARGH, I'D TOLD THEM IT WAS TOO BIG FOR THAT AND THAT YOU NEEDED BIKES, ARGH!) and that no, they didn't have any shade shelters because they didn't think they needed shade (ARGH IT'S A DESERT AND NONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SO YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HOT IT IS AND NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH YOU ALL?)  And none of them were hurrying to get packed and I kept trying to explain that if we didn't leave now, we wouldn't get there by dark and then wouldn't be able to set up our tents and would have to sleep in the car (van?) and that that would be uncomfortable so we had to leave, were already late to leave (I mean, because apparently in the dream Nevada is only one day's drive from here) and no one but me cared and I was getting so stressed. 

I finally, in the dream, considered calling Connor to ask if they weren't too far away (sure they'd already left, they knew how important it was to leave on time) and could come back and get me because this wasn't going to work but I woke up before that, but not before I realized I hadn't remembered to book my US cell plan and my travel insurance.

Ugh.

So I'm glad my brain found a way to get some of the week's stress out, but man oh man that was a stressful dream.  Haven't had one yet where bringing my family/parents is stress free.  Guess my psyche is not so subtly trying to tell me just to let that idea go, eh?

Friday, 24 April 2015

You Know?

There's often an awkward moment or two for me when I "go out for drinks" with friends nowadays because I generally don't have as much to drink as they do.

Which is fine and all, except that I'm sober(ish) and they're not and sometimes they say things I don't know if they really mean.

And I think when everyone's the same level of tipsy these things are maybe not heard, or not remembered but I'm... usually clear headed and so I'm left feeling uncomfortable or odd and then wondering if I should bring it up the next day or just let it go as a drunken mind-slip.

It always makes me feel a little uncomfortable because sometimes the things that are said are a little mean, or sometimes they're secrets that may have been let slip, or thoughts or ideas or just generally things that they probably wouldn't have said if they'd been utterly clear headed.

Anyway... it's just an odd thing... to not know if people meant what they said because they have more alcohol in their system than I do.

Thursday, 23 April 2015

Why?

Jay was in town this last weekend and I didn't see him.

He messaged near to his arrival date and suggested a couple of meetup times and I had plans already made, but I also didn't want to meet up.

I didn't feel like seeing him and I didn't feel like seeing him would make me feel happy or good.

I'm not sure if I "should" have just said this to him, or if having that rough of a week just sort of solidified the fact that I didn't have the strength or energy to deal with seeing him, knowing I don't think I feel that positively towards him anymore, or certainly not right now.

It wasn't even really on my radar, and I do hope he got to see friends and had a nice stay in town.

I just, guess I feel like I've moved on and our last few contacts haven't made me feel good, so, I suppose I just didn't have a good answer to why I would go say hello.

Shrug?

Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Zoned

I had an acupuncture appointment last weekend and I mentioned to her that I'd had a really hard week including some pretty bad nights of anxiety that had been really hard.  She said she'd throw in a couple of extra points for anxiety.

I didn't think much about it until I was driving to C-Dawg's after the appointment and feeling a little dazed in the car.

Not sleepy, just really kind of zoned out.

And that's when I turned the wrong way down a one way street.

(Victoria has a few sets of streets leading in and out of downtown that are three or four laned in one direction.  Very clearly marked, and alternating, and it's super clear and obvious which are which.)

I knew instantly something was wrong and the person yelling "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY" solidified it.  I pulled right over and there was no traffic coming, (which is also perhaps why I didn't have a solid visual cue, no one sitting at the intersection?) and pulled a safe U turn.

It was an unsettling experience.  A lady asking for change yelled at me for my driving and I calmly said "we all make mistakes."

A guy on a bicycle was next to me and smiled at me.  I shrugged and said that I've lived here twenty years and only done that once.  He told me he'd done it too, I thanked him for that and we high fived.  "It's good to take these things in stride," he said. "Have a great rest of your day!" And we went (safely) on our way.

I know it happens, but I was surprised that I'd made the mistake.  Realized I probably shouldn't have been driving, and was very cautious as I made it to C-Dawg's place.

So I guess I'm here to say that the acupuncture worked.  And that next time I might just walk to my appointment.


Tuesday, 21 April 2015

The Littlest Ones

I'm hoping I figured something out about the ants in my place.

See, the little tiny ants came back early this year and I got traps and spray and stuff but they didn't seem to do much besides keep them out of sight for a few days.  I told the building manager people and they got a company to come in and deal with them (I imagine they sprayed and left glue traps.)  And then I let them know that that had not changed the situation so they came back and sprayed.

And the next morning I still had ants.

I didn't bother to tell the manager people because I don't want just another spray of chemicals when it clearly hasn't gotten anywhere near the source.

But then they showed up in my bathroom.  Never before have they showed up in another room so this bothered me.

I sprayed by the radiator and put a trap there and then I had a thought.

What if the ants were attracted to the heat of the (water) radiators and were somehow using the pipes in the wall to.... travel and then... hmmm...

So I cleaned out around the big radiator in my main room (where they've tried spraying and left the  glue traps that have not caught anything but silverfish) and turned it off.  I'm going to watch for the next few days to see if maybe turning off my main radiator (I need to keep the one in my bathroom on I think because I have no fan in there and I like to think the radiator helps to keep things dry...ish?) will make them find somewhere else to explore?

And, I should still probably get some more poison trap things and, well, I should probably inform the building manager people too.

I do feel a little bad for the ants, it's not their fault really, I just don't want them around inside my apartment.

Monday, 20 April 2015

Breathe

That was a week.

And not in a good way.  That was a week and I had to push, drag, and crawl my way through every day and night.

No one has died, I didn't lose my job, but things happened and went on and I did not have an easy reaction to them and was utterly thrown.  So much so that I went to a very very miserable place and just kept going through the motions of day to day business because I was too exhausted to do anything else.

Something shifted somehow late Friday night and I felt a little bit better Saturday morning but then that day left me incredibly weirded out and, well, I'm really hoping this week is better than last week in all ways, because I really don't want to go through another one like that. 

I'm still feeling not quite right and shaken and "off" but one foot forward or some saying like that and, well... yeah.  Deep breaths, because they don't make things worse.

Friday, 17 April 2015

Zzzzzz

Today should not be Friday it should be Saturday because I am too tired for it to be a Friday although I guess it's better that it's a Friday than an earlier in the week day but please can I just sleep for a few days straight?  Hibernate?  Can I be a turtle/bear?  (They both hibernate, right?)

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Longer

I was thinking yesterday that I'm starting to get used to the longer days.  Used to them, and liking them.

It's still strange, for example, on bootcamp nights, when I've been getting ready and driving there in the dark since September to all of a sudden be looking at the clock and realizing it's time to get ready when it's still light out.  A very odd feeling.

But I also am starting to appreciate how the afternoons do feel longer.  So I do feel like I have more of a day.  Or more time after work, I suppose.  And that's nice.

I'm still not sure the time change itself is necessary or helpful as the days were starting to lengthen on their own anyway.

But it is nice to notice the daylight being around for longer.  Hi Daylight.  I like you.  A lot.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Things I Have A Hard Time Believing About Myself

(And just want to write them down because maybe that will shake me up somehow to see them written out like that.)

That I am attractive.

That I am anything more than "ok" at photography.

That I am good at art.

That I am worthy of .... things.

That I will get an amazing, wonderful relationship.

That I'm not annoying people.

That I'm not fat and flabby.  (Especially now that my BMI says I am on the low end of overweight)

That I am special in any way.

That I am interesting.

That I am a good writer.

That people don't just say nice things to/about me because it's "what we're supposed to do."

Hmm, I really thought this post would go on forever, but I seem to have run out of things I don't believe about myself.  Not that this list isn't more than long enough.


Shrug.

Inspired by a weird conversation with Jason.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Le Shrug

Speaking of cruise ships (Ok, not at all, but what other segueway do you want me to make here?) the nice looking interesting spy in training started yesterday.

And is not single.

Yes, I'm mildly disappointed and kind of wanted to push him off a cliff a little bit (like, maybe a baby cliff... or... a small bump) but... whatever.

Jay is also still talking about his work maybe sending him to town (which I still roll my eyes like, they couldn't have done that when we were trying to get to know each other?) and I think I'll just play it by ear as to how I feel on that day if I go hang with him or not.  Sort of not.  But... the only thing that gives me pause is that he generally doesn't mind having his photo taken and so maybe I could get some practice shots out of it?

That's probably dumb.  I don't know.

But, yeah, anyway. Trainee spy is not my future husband.  (Is technically someone else's future husband already.)

Bummer.

Monday, 13 April 2015

Da Brain

Early yesterday morning, I was asleep (bliss) when I heard knocking.

My brain, asleep, but clearly "awoken" by the noise, immediately interpreted this as the porters (?) from the cruise ship at my cruise ship room door knocking to remind me I was now late for the breakfast sitting I'd booked.

I was so enjoying my sleep that I decided I didn't need breakfast and kept sleeping but the part of me that had been half awakened sort of lay there figuring out how and why I was on a cruise on this giant bed in this giant room and that's when I realized I had no idea where the knocking came from but I was actually just at home on my own bed in my own room.

And if someone had been knocking at my door (I figure not), I wasn't going to be answering them at this hour anyway.

Should probably have put the do not disturb sign on my brain's imagined cabin door but I guess I really wanted to go to the breakfast.  Too bad I slept through it. 

Although that was a pretty delicious sleep!

Friday, 10 April 2015

Much Appreciated

Had an awesome experience at a (I don't even know what to call it...) cafeteria(?) the other day.

For reasons I'm still not entirely sure of, I ended up needing to grab lunch out and was happy to see the option of a gluten free bun with a burger.  I got the combo with fries and was waiting for my order to be filled.

The chef fellow called me over and told me that the fries were coated in flour.  Awesome.  I mean, not awesome, I didn't get to eat my fries, but awesome that he noticed I was getting the gluten free bun and made sure I knew the fries weren't gluten free.  I didn't think to ask and so wouldn't have known.

I so appreciate people who pay attention to details like that and people who know their job so well. 

Thanks for saving me from myself chef guy, you rock, and my entire health thanks you!

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Uh Oh!

You guys, you'll visit me in "you done gone bad jail" right?

Because I think I'm going to have to go there.

See, I bought a replacement carabiner for my keys.  (I slide my work keys onto one and then can attach it to my...whatever... bag, self, pants, spy gear, etc.)  But instead of going into the store, I bought one online (because I had to buy replacement pants from the place anyway as mine ripped.... oh, did I not mention that?  Sitting down and finding the tear in my pants and wondering how long it'd been there?  yeah...anyway)

And the package arrived yesterday and I pulled out the carabiner to look at it and it was slightly different from the one I usually get at the store that always says "not for climbing."

This slightly different carabiner says "only for climbing or mountaineering."

You guys I'm not using it for climbing OR mountaineering!!  I'm going to go to "naughty people" jail!

Unless no one tells.

Which... I probably shouldn't have written this post then, eh?

Sigh.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Hmmm

I saw this guy the other day getting onto a super cool, fat tired electric bike.

I stopped and told him it looked awesome and asked him if he'd ever taken it out to Burning Man.

I was really curious how it would ride in the desert (if the motor would hold up, if the thick tires actually helped, if riding low to the ground was dusty, etc) but didn't want to ask him if he'd had it on Playa in case he didn't know what I meant.  Anyway. 

I asked him and he said "No, I get naked and do drugs at home." And I laughed, because yes, that's what so many people think Burning Man is about and why a number of people go and so I told him, yeah, whatever works, right.

But then he said "I've been out to Burning Man.  It's all so corporate now and all the rich people buy up the tickets."  Which kind of bummed me out.  I shrugged and said "meh, I just ignore them." And we went our separate ways, but it was a disappointing thing to hear.

I don't get to say "oh Burning Man has changed so much."  I didn't go "way back when" and so I'm sorry if I missed it when it was "way cooler" or "better" or something.  All I know is I frigging love it.  And I think it's amazing.  And I'm not a "rich person" and I bought up two tickets and the people I'm going with aren't rich people and the people I'm looking forward to seeing again aren't rich people and well... I don't know why it made me sad that he said that actually.

Maybe that's the new hipster version of party people.  "Yeah, I went to Burning Man before it got so popular and went downhill"

Ok.  Good on ya.

I'm going to Burning Man now.  And I'm finding myself and my passions and it's the best frigging holiday/not holiday I've ever taken in my life and I will keep going as long as I can and as long as I want to and even if it really does get some version of ruined?  I'll take what I love about it and the spirit of it and I'll keep living that and having it in my life and I bet I'd even go camp down in that amazing desert by myself some time.

So... I guess to the electric bike dude I'd say, enjoy your naked drug usage at home.  I'm going to the Playa this summer to maybe take an advil if I have to and to be naked when I go to sleep in my tent.  And the rest of the time?  I'm going to have a kick ass time hanging out with ridiculously cool people I would probably never get to meet in any other way.

Woo hooo!

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

So

I'm pretty sure long weekends should go on forever and that I (and everyone else) should not be having to return to work this morning.

I know, I know, some people didn't get a long weekend, but I did and it was long.  And weekendy.  And I don't want it to end.  To put it in other words... I don't want to work, I just want to bang on me drum all day.

You know?

Le sigh.

Puppy dog eyes.

Please?

Friday, 3 April 2015

Groo?

Little bit confused by what day it is... went to bed last night thinking "Yay, it's the weekend!" (because Easter long weekend) and then woke up this morning going Yay, it's Saturday but then realizing that no, it's not, it's Friday!  But now kind of confused by... maybe it could be Thursday but probably not... ok.  Fri...day which makes tomorrow Saturday.

Oh, and I should probably but can't be bothered to let the pest control company know that they apparently sprayed for ants yesterday... and I just saw one little guy strolling around this morning.  So... uh huh.  Anyway.

Time for breakfast.  Happy long weekend guys.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Icky...Sticky

I think I can honestly say I have no idea what I have or haven't written about here the last while (hi, thanks stress!) so... forgive me if I'm repeating... or assuming you know things you've never heard before.  Ta da.

I told my building management that the little sugar ants are back (they were early this year) and they had pest control come in to spray.  (Or, at least I assume they came in and sprayed...)

They also left some of those mini tent like trap things that are really just glue traps, I assume to see how many of the little guys still are around.

And, of course, the ants are avoiding them.

Like, seriously.  I actually tried to stick the trap right in front of an ant and scoop it in and the ant kind of shrugged and turned around and went the other way. 

Nevermind the fact that I find the idea of the sticky traps to be particularly upsetting (nasty way to go I think... ugh) and not particularly helpful... I called my management again and told them that the treatment didn't seem to have worked as the ants are still around. 

They're coming back today (I think) to do another treatment (which I don't see the point of as I'm pretty sure the ants don't live in my apartment and they should be treating the ... hill?  home?  whatever... place they're all at) and I went to look at one of the traps and?  No ants, but two silverfish (don't like them either) which I'm finding terribly amusingly ironic or something.

Like, hey, let's leave these traps for this one particular pest you have a problem with.

Oh... ok, we didn't catch any of those but we caught a few of this other pest... um.. whoops?

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

April First

Well, I'll just say that things aren't worse.  I took my friend to see someone and I feel like it helped both of us.

You know how sometimes the situation doesn't change but you hear something that just shifts things enough that things are better.

So... I'm holding on to that for now.

Still exhausted and although I'm grateful for extra time off this weekend, I'm also not really in the space to deal with the family stuff that I'm meant to deal with this weekend.

In other news, I do not like pranks nor this first day of April so I will just say thank you for the mental hugs and good thoughts.  And wow, April, eh?
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.