Sometimes It Drives Me Bonkers

I live in an older building.  And one of the things that they did not "update" when they did our "reno-viction" was the heating system, which for my apartment is a radiator system.

I've mentioned before my success at finally turning off the heat a couple of weeks back, but what I haven't mentioned is the noise...noises.  Sigh.

Whenever they (being plumbers) do something in the building to the water (or boiler?) system, it means air gets into the system and my radiators make noises.

I learned this the fourth or fifth time a plumber came in to deal with my noisy radiators and he said basically "we all know that in these old buildings when we do something to the system, we'll have to come bleed and deal with some radiators."

Well a few months ago we got a notice that our water was being shut off for repairs or something in one of the suites.  And, of course, my radiators started making "running water" noise after that.  But I didn't do anything.  Because I didn't feel like it at the time.  And then Covid hit and I no longer want someone coming into my place (unless it's an emergency) and, well, my radiators are still making noise.  The main/largest one is the one in my main room ("living room") and for the last week or so it has been sounding, I kid you not, like the bubbles a big water cooler bottle makes.

I mean, not all the time.  But enough that it's actually starting to drive me a little bonkers.

When I had the radiator on, it was making "running water" noises, but now the echo of this dripping that ends up being the water cooler BLOOP sound is... getting on my nerves.

I know I could call and ask for a plumber to come look at it and hopefully fix it but my anxiety really really doesn't want a stranger in my place right now.  And honestly, that's assuming they'll come out for something that's not an emergency.

Which means I'm considering trying to do something about it myself.  And I assume that would mean "bleeding" the radiator, which I've seen them do and also looked up online.  Do I think I can do it well?  Oh, heck no.  Do I currently have the tool for it?  Oh, heck no.  (Radiator key and water ... pan for catching water.)  Do I have any idea what I'd be doing?  NOPE!  But "trying to ignore it" only goes so well depending on the day and general sanity level so... I might actually be looking at buying myself a radiator key tool and, um... trying to do a thing.

Because BLOOP.

BLOOP.

BLOOP, BLOOP, BLOOP!!!

Unforeseen Consequence

When I stopped going out (mid March?) I stopped driving as much.

For a good few weeks the only driving I did was to drop off or pick up something at Jason's and that's a maybe 15 minute slow drive.  At the end of March my car started sounding not so good when I started it.

And a few days after that it was really struggling to start.

Now my anxiety of course suggested that CAR WAS DYING AND GOING TO COST SO MUCH MONEY, but I've also been learning about cars over the last few years so I sat for a bit and thought.

Hmmm... my car hasn't been driven much.  So the alternator hasn't been... um... alternating... er, charging the battery.  So maybe if I take it for a drive I can see if that helps?

So I went for a little late night drive.  Probably half an hour, maybe forty minutes.  Just to a farther away part of town and back.  I felt like I was doing something illegal since we aren't really supposed to do things we don't need to and although there was no traffic I half kept expecting police to pull me over at which point I'd have to try to explain that I was trying to keep my car healthy at 11:00 at night?

Anyway, I did that short-ish drive experiment and the next time I went to start my car it sounded and felt so much happier.  So last week I drove out on the highway out towards where the ferries are (but not that far) and now my car feels a lot happier and hopefully "back to normal."

I'm going to try to remind myself to drive places to keep the car healthy and to do a longer, highway speed drive once a month at least.

But yeah, something I didn't really expect to happen with staying home and not driving... look after your cars y'all, they might be missing driving!

Le Blown Budget

How I shop these days is drastically different from how I used to shop B.C.  (before Covid/Corona, not the other C...I'm not *that* old!)

My usual shopping habits include keeping a mild track of what I was running low of and sticking that on a list.  Then I'd casually check for it to be on sale for the next while and if it didn't go on sale before I ran nearly completely out, I would purchase it full price with a sigh. 

Now, I make a list and I transfer that list to one of the stores I'm using for online shopping and delivery.  One is a local grocery store, one is a fairly local (this coast of Canada I think?) non-grocery store, and one is Amazon, for those things that neither of the other stores have.  Between those three, I'm usually able to find one that has the item and then it's a matter of if it will be in stock when I order and then how long it will take to be delivered.

So it's meant a few changes.  The main one being that I try not to leave things last minute.  Because I'm not just "popping out" to the store anymore, so I can't let things run as low as I used to.  I mean, let's be honest, I CAN, I'm just choosing not to.  So I'm trying to anticipate running out of things a lot earlier than I would have.  Like needing a refill of vitamins at half a bottle rather than at the tail end of the bottle.  Because a delivery might not come in a week, it might be two, or three, or they might not have stock, it might be longer?

And yes, my anxiety is messing with this process, for sure.  Like I keep having this huge fear that the supply chain will break down and that I will not be able to buy... whatever the thing is.  And yes, I do reassure myself that I can live without the stuff, for sure.  As long as I maintain my shelter, food, and water, I should be ok.  But as we all know, anxiety doesn't really care about "logic" like that, so my anxiety around shopping is high.

I know folks are still going into stores.  I'm not.  I think I have been into one store once a month or so ago because someone close to me was turning 50 and I wanted to get them a special card and I couldn't find any online (certainly not that would come in time) so I went in, as protected as I could make myself and I didn't like it and I spent the next 10 days hoping to stay asymptomatic.  (Sigh)

So, yeah, I have an ongoing list for groceries that I try to add to.  I get a delivery so far once a week, and so far I've turned it into a fun game of "what did I *actually* get and what substitutions and what did I not get at all!?"  And then I have an ongoing list of "other things" like, oh, I dunno, moisturizer to help my hands stop cracking with the washing?  Or, yes, I confess, the chocolate bar or two (guilt).  And then I have another list of things I can't get via grocery or other store that I will likely have to get from Amazon.  And rarely, if ever (with the exception of the grocery store) are things on sale.  Not because they're not ON sale, but because my timing is shifted.  I'm no longer wandering through stores checking for sales on items I need soonish, I'm ordering said things at whatever price they're at and hoping they arrive in time before I run out.  (Or before whatever fear my anxiety tells me might happen.)

And then, yes, I have the delivery anxiety.  Jason says I can deliver to his place if I want, and I think I might start that, not so much for the contact situation, but more for the ongoing stress waiting for deliveries brings me.  Not groceries through, because... fridge and stuff. 

But I also have this anxiety that I'm trying to figure out that has something to do with fearing not having stuff.  Like wanting to buy Thing before the online stores close because... of this world situation.  Be it a strike, or illness or supply breakdown or, I don't even know... but I have this huge internal push to GET THE THING that six months ago I would have just shrugged off.  Like I bought a trio of books that I have NO NEED for, especially since I have my entire bookshelf of books to read through but there was a panic buy of them.... sigh.  So yeah, my budget is a disaster.  And I am still not able to find certain things... like *certain brand* wipes.  And liquid hand soap has been hard to find for a month now (Jason just apparently went into a store and bought me some and well, people being nice to me makes me cry).

I'm trying though.  I told myself today that it's really only been two months, and so whatever routine I might settle into with regards to purchasing this way may yet settle out.

Like for sure in the month of March I was really high anxiety and probably panicking about things and I spent a LOT of money in that time, but maybe now that I have that extra container of Vitamin C and that extra shampoo or whatever it was I bought.... maybe now I can have a bit of a breather on purchases?  Because damn, my VISA would really appreciate that.  Sigh.

I legit remember thinking to myself that when "lockdown" (or whatever we're calling it... "stay at home"?) happened that I would save SO MUCH money because I wouldn't be wandering the stores and shopping.  I had no idea I would have this panic to buy things.  And no, I haven't hoarded, and no I haven't stocked up on what it seems many have (I've got a normal amount of toilet paper, I have a normal amount of cleaning supplies, the only masks I have are from my Burning Man gear, and I have one thing of gloves that turn my hands into sauna swimming pools... but I digress)

I am working to reign in my spending and get back to something resembling a budget so that I can go back to not spending money I don't really have.  I'm working on it, while also trying to remind myself that I'm also working against my anxiety and internal not-helpful-thoughts.

March and April were financially not good for me.  I'm hoping to calm and change that for the better.

Glares At Self

I hope none of you have stomach issues, and so can't relate to this....  but I'm seriously sitting here on Sunday morning (as I write this) and I KNEW if I ate what I did it would upset my stomach like 98.5% sure... and I ate it anyway... and now I'm sitting here with an upset stomach and it is really completely totally my fault and so there's nothing I can blame except me.

Sigh.

But yes, the thing I shouldn't have eaten tasted very good at the time I ate it.  And no, I don't want any more of it any time soon because bleargh.  But, yes, I will likely risk it at some future point because while I may be smart, I can also be dumb.

Le sigh.  I should maybe put myself in a corner for a time out or something.... but it kind of feels like the upset stomach is enough "punishment" for now.

Sorry me.

Zzzzzzz?

How's everyone's sleep?

I'm hoping I'm not going to jinx myself but I'm a bit hit and miss.  But I ask because Jason doesn't seem to be sleeping much at all since this started (on a "good" night he says he'll get a few hours in a row) and when he mentioned that to a doctor today the doctor said that was pretty common right now.

So... informal survey... how's your sleep?

Whoops

So it seems that me finally figuring out how to turn my radiator off meant the weather cooled off and that I then had to turn it back on (a little)!  So, sorry for the weather shift y'all, that's totally my bad!

I don't mind it at all though.  Nor do I mind the light in the sky at nine pm the other night.  I don't mind that at all!

Spring is certainly here.  The trees along the streets near me have gone from "kind of thinking about budding?" to "WE ARE TOTALLY ALL GREEN LEAVES NOW WOOO HOOOO" and it's very... Spring and New Life and all sorts of good things.

But yeah, the cold?  My fault, sorrrryyyyyyy!

Ahhhhhhh

Well I finally managed to turn down/off the radiators in my place!  Phew!

We don't have much control over the heat here, although they include "heat and hot water" in the rent.  *shrug*  So I assume the boiler heat is adjusted seasonally (although I'm really just guessing) and, well my place has been kind of icky hot.

Yes, it's warmer these days (and lighter longer too YAY!) but I'm talking 24 C. at night.... and it's only *just* Spring.

Now, you know how things are generally "righty tighty, lefty loosy" and so usually to turn something off you turn it to the "right".  Except my main room radiator the screw/dial/knob (?) thing is... either sideways or backwards or I'm not even sure how to describe it other than to turn it off I have to bend my arm and hand in a weird way.

So I thought I'd turned it the correct way but it was still putting out some heat.  Not a lot.  But enough to drive the temperature up even with my windows open.

I wondered if they hadn't adjusted the boiler or if I'd just made that up completely and I thought before I sent them a message about it I'd try one last experiment.  So... I girded my loins for potential heat overload and I turned the radiator ALL the way the OTHER way.  And CUE ANGELS SINGING the darn thing turned off and now my place is cool again YAY!

So I made a note on my calendar for myself for next Spring that to turn off this radiator I have to turn it to MY left (when facing the thing) and hopefully that will make sense next year.  And stuff.

Now I'm just confused as to my other radiators where the dial/knob/thing is "normal" but feels ... wrong.  Sigh.  I dunno.  Old buildings man, I tells ya!

Sigh

I had a blog post all started in my head and then I sent a text to someone and now I've completely forgotten what all I was going to talk/write about.  Le sigh.

I, um, guess I'm doing kind of ok.  Not... great, but not awful anymore either.  Like I've said before, March was awful, and I was terrified that that's what the next X number of months would feel like. 

I said to someone the other day that I just want to feel safe again.  They said that they just wanted to get back to work and I said that I just want to feel safe again.  And that I have no idea when that might actually be.  When there's a vaccine?  Which could be years?  I don't know.

I have also been trying to read less and less about it, which means there are some things I'm not entirely clear about, and when I do try to read about them, I tend to get mixed messages and I end up just stressed and confused again because I prefer when things are black and white and life doesn't work in that way with much of anything.

But, like, when do I get to feel a little more "safe" or "relaxed"?  Will I find out some day that I've had it and have antibodies?  Will that mean I'm immune?  Not?  Can I get it again?  A different version?  Have I already?  Will I get it and die?  Or be very sick?  Or not?  I don't know.  I think what would make me feel a little safer is some kind of indication that I've had it (and am ok) and that I can't have it again.  Because that would take away half of the fear.  I'd still be cautious about potentially spreading to others, but I think if I knew I had had it and wasn't going to contract it again I could relax a little  (and just worry about my loved ones and friends and those I know.....sigh)

Other than that I don't know how to feel safe.  Or safer.  I'm scared of everyone and everything right now.  I had a panic attack the other morning because I dropped off a birthday gift to my Mom.

(My parents are both in the "high risk" age group, but my Mom was a nurse and so she and my Dad are being extremely cautious and careful.)

I had wrapped it and put it into a paper bag more than a week ago to make sure that any virus I might have spread onto it would have "died".  I did all that and let her know I'd one it and then I wore gloves the day of and left it outside their door and I trust that she was careful with it but that morning I panicked because my anxiety told me that I was bringing the virus to my parents and they were going to get sick and die and that it would be my fault and so I sat in my car sobbing and shaking and wiping down all of the surfaces I could reach.  "This was supposed to be a nice, happy thing" I thought... I called Jason and he told me I'd been careful and safe and that my Mom would be too on her end, but still... the fear and anxiety is constant and terrifying right now.  I wish I could get some peace there, but it may be that I just have to live with it.

Sigh.

I shouted up to my parents from the side of their building up to their place, and then I did a video call with them later and my Mom said it was a very memorable birthday but yeah...

And then one of my neighbours knocked on my door and gave me a hand made face mask she'd sewn (complete with nose piece and slot for "filters") and that was so sweet and emotional and I think I babbled something to her about "going to cry now, this is so nice" so... yeah.

Life.  Eh?

More Handwashing Thoughts

I had another thought about my handwashing "issues", and how to best keep my hands from hating me.

I realized that for a lot of the handwashing I'm doing I'm actually using dish soap.  See, I have a hand pump of dish soap next to my kitchen sink and it's super convenient for washing my hands when I first come in the door, so I've been doing that.  And, it's like, 20 steps more convenient than going to the bathroom to use "real" soap the rest of the time too, so.... yeah, dish soap. 

And then the other day as I was washing my hands in the bathroom I thought "you know... this soap *feels* different" and I realized that yeah, it probably actually is.

I'm no soap expert (I only play one on tv!) but I bet there are completely different ingredients (I want to say "surfactants"???) in dish soap than hand/body soap and that dish soap is somehow harder (for grease?) and so has maybe been even meaner to my poor hands than need be.

I've put some moisturizer next to my sinks as a starting point, but they're still looking really... rough.  So I'm trying to order some hand soap pump stuff for my kitchen sink to hopefully keep my hands clean but less beaten up.

Because along with the hangnail situation, they're also looking suddenly really really aged.  I've always been conscious of my hands and the skin on them and I've always tried to sunscreen them (when I remember, whoops!) and I know they're aging, just like the rest of me and the rest of my skin but this increased washing (both length/amount and frequency) really seems to be making the skin not so happy.

So I'm hoping that if I start using "non dish" soap and keep up with my moisturizing (and moisturizing from the inside too, thanks water!) that my hands will be clean and also not too terribly upset with me.

They Paved Paradise

I haven't used this thing (in the photo) in a while but it's a "fruit guard".... you can put your fruit in it (of appropriate shape/size of course) and it will keep it from getting bashed too much in your lunch bag.  When I bought it, I also noticed that it accidentally (?) looked super cute!  Aaaaaanyway....

I was thinking, in addition to how it sometimes hits me what a unique situation this is... a worldwide phenomenon.... I also am quite regularly hit by an intense sadness around it all.  It hurts me and makes me sad that we have to be like this... that we have to consider physical distancing and gloves/masks to be around people in a way I don't think we are really built for.

I mean, I'm an introvert.  For sure.  But that doesn't mean I don't miss interacting with people.  I still smile and nod and say hello, from a distance, on walks, when I pass someone.... sometimes.  But I miss the closeness.  I miss avoiding each other on sidewalks.  Noticing a runner approaching and skimming past you.  Reaching down to let a dog sniff my hand as I wander by.  I miss people just being relaxed around each other.  I miss being annoyed that someone was in your personal space bubble because it was annoying, not because there might be an exchange of a scary virus.  And yes, I know, I know, we're always incidentally spreading colds and flus and germs with our closeness, it's just this one is different.  And it makes me sad sometimes to see.

I got emotional the other day driving past a grocery store and seeing the long line of folks, physically distanced, wearing gloves and masks and all the rest and I wish it wasn't like this.

As Joni Mitchell reminds us.... "Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got til it's gone."

How.... Odd.

Sometimes when I put my fears and worries and concerns aside for a moment it strikes me that this is a very unique time.

This virus situation is something that is affecting everyone.  And by "everyone" I mean everyone, everywhere... all around the world.  If you stop and think about that it is incredible.  (Incredible: adjective.  "impossible to believe.  difficult to believe, extraordinary.")

I'm not sure any of us have been in this kind of situation before.  I suppose the argument could be made that those who were alive during World War Two (like my Dad, who was young, but still) were part of something similar, but there also wasn't this level of connection (via the internet, etc.)  And this isn't the same as a war.... in many many ways.

I know it's not fair to make blanket statements about "everyone", but this really is an interesting time.  This thing isn't limited to one landmass or culture or group at all.  While things may be being handled differently in different places, this is, as far as we know, impacting everywhere.

It's a very strange thing if/when I sit and think about it from that perspective.  "We're all in this together" means more than it really ever has before.

And that makes me feel a whole lot of things.

Already...?

I got an email last week from the gym I go to saying that it had been a month since they closed.  Which for me, was a bit of a surprise (or maybe even a shock?) and also meant that it had been probably six weeks since I'd been in the gym.

This time seems to have gone so fast while somehow also not having gone fast at all.  I remember thinking how long March was, and there being memes and jokes about it and seems many of us noticed but now it's mid-April and I'm genuinely not sure how that's possible.  I'm not sure what to make of the time, or the timeline.  Part of me wishes I'd written things down... on a calendar or in my journal or even here because I can't really recall when X happened or Y.  I know I started being cautious at the start of March, but I'm not sure I know when I started really changing my behaviours... not exactly.  And I'm not sure what date our Prime Minister made his first appeal to us to stay home.  I'm not sure which week it was I started getting multiple emails from businesses talking about their response to Covid19 (and me realizing how many places actually *had* my email) and I'm not sure when my anxiety hit a panic level, but I feel like if the gym closed a month+ ago, that's probably around when I started really panicking.  Not just being super anxious, but actual panic, fairly constantly, with panic attacks as well.

I didn't want to write things down at the time though because I needed to sort of at least attempt to buy myself some sort of a buffer.  Like... I knew it was happening and I knew I was terrified, and I knew things were changing but I also needed to function, while doing some preparation, while keeping myself from losing my sh*t.  For real.

I know it's been several weeks of "this" but that also doesn't seem real or true.

I suppose most of us are living in some sort of state of mental... distress?  Disarray?  (Is it fair to say that many of us are dealing with an aspect or two of mental health?   Anxiety?  Depression?  Trauma?)

I know that other countries have been dealing with things for a lot longer, and I wish I had a looking glass to see my, and our future.  But the reality that the email I got showed me is that it's been about a month... at least.  And that feels strange.

Hangnail

I have a hangnail.

I don't get them very often "normally" but I figure the extra extra hand washing maybe has something to do with this one happening (yes, I'm moisturizing, and I've been using a cuticle thing too just to try to avoid this!) but yeah... it's here.  And it's different to have one these days.

So I try to keep a bandaid on it when I'm out of my house, but then I come home and wash my hands so the bandaid has to come off again.  And because my hangnails usually just kind of go away.... and this one isn't, I'm kind of confused.

I'm treating it "properly" according to the interwebs and all that but there's also the aspect of age that I've noticed over the last few years where my skin just doesn't heal as quickly or as nicely as it used to... so maybe that's a part of it on top of the handwashing and who knows maybe even stress?

But yeah... this is the kind of riveting content you come here for, right?  (I see you all shaking your heads no... whoops!)

Deliveries

So.... deliveries are still making me anxious.

(Hmmm.... I was certain I had talked about this before, but a quick search of the blog didn't show anything so.... I'll start again...)

Deliveries make me anxious.

And you would think that now that I'm pretty much home all the time (except for a walk or being outside or going for a drive or...I'm just saying I'm home even more than usual right now) it would be "easier" but it still makes me anxious.

Some of the deliveries, like groceries, have a window of delivery time, and so far they've been great and always within that window.  But my nerves still jump up.  Because almost always at some point during that window I have to pee!  And then my anxiety goes running off about how if I pee that's probably when they'll show up and then what will I do!!! When the reality is... I can take the phone into the bathroom if I want, or at least outside the bathroom door and it's not that huge of a deal...?  (AND HA!  As I was typing out this paragraph my buzzer went and there was my food, ta da!  So... that was funny/ironic/made for tv!)

For the deliveries that don't have a time window I just sort of hope I'm there for the delivery because I really don't want to have to figure out getting to a pickup location, especially as I'm really trying to avoid stores/public...

So far (knock on wood) my Canada Post person has been awesome and just knocked and left stuff at the door..... where as pre....this, they'd buzz and have me come get it or if I wasn't home leave a pickup note.  So hopefully that can continue.  Canada Post seems to also have slight delivery windows (as in "between 9:30 and 1:30") so I can at least attempt to be home for them, and my delivery times seem to be fairly consistent.  There have been days though when I've had a video counselling appointment and then gotten an email that a Canada Post delivery was expected that day and then I'm super anxious that I'll be in the middle of my counselling and they'll show up and, again... part of me knows it's not the end of the world, but it's stressful for anxious me for sure.

I am very grateful for the folks doing the packing and shipping and driving and delivery, so very grateful.  This is just me giving a little insight into how frustrating (and annoying) anxiety can be around things most people may not even notice.

But, yeah, I think I've been getting grocery deliveries for four weeks now... so a month.  I'm still nervous/anxious about it, and it's still a strange way for me to shop and I'm still not eating all that well or all that normally but.... it is what it is, you know?

Well.... Ok.

So... that was a long weekend.  Apparently.  (Because I'm really having a hard time telling lately.)

I woke up Saturday happy it was Saturday.  And then I realized it was Thursday.  But it still took me all morning to "remember" this.  But then I woke up on Saturday and yay, Saturday!  But of course it was Friday.... which I had a hard time remembering for most of the day.  And then, of course, it was actually Saturday which really doesn't mean much these days, except people were talking about "Easter" and things and now here we are on Monday which I guess technically is "Easter Monday" and so still kind of a holiday..... on a long weekend but... I can't really tell and I'm not sure it felt like that. 

I know lots of folks are still working, so perhaps this is not as common as I might think, and I know the people doing renos or whatever it is they're doing on the building next door are back again this morning so it's certainly a "work day" for at least them.

But, um, yeah, that was a weird one... or still is a weird one.  A weird "long weekend" I mean.

Um, so... happy Monday (I'm pretty sure?!)

Hope you and yours are all happy, healthy and well.  Happy Spring....stuff/celebrations/events/holidays.

And Jury

This is something I'm just going to talk quietly about because it's not something I like about myself so.... this is more of a whisper/internal dialogue than anything.

I grew up in a judgemental household.  You'd not necessarily know it but I am aware of it and I am aware that judging is something I do and am working actively not to do, or to do less of.  Mostly it's an internal dialogue thing, unless you're Jason... and then I'll just tell you that I think what you're doing is stupid/wrong but... ahem... I digress.

Right now I'm really working on not judging the choices people are making.  Because I don't know all of the details of their life or situation.  But I do.  I do judge.  And it's frustrating.  Like someone will tell me a choice they made (go to store X) and I will think WHY?  WHY DID YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU COULD ORDER ONLINE INSTEAD?  But I don't tell them that because that's their choice... and because they didn't ask for my opinion.

In my head, I'm wondering why on earth my neighbour is getting into her vehicle with someone I've never seen before because I don't know.  Maybe she's taking her to the doctor, or maybe that's her cousin and she's visiting, I just don't know and it's not exactly my business.  And here's where things become a little bit trickier right now.... because I have an anxious part of myself that yells at me that THIS IS A PUBLIC HEALTH CRISIS SO EVERYONE IS MY BUSINESS!!!!

But that's... only so true.  I can't control others or their choices or behaviours, I can only control mine.  But that judgmental part is sure working overtime... THEY SHOULD ALL BE STAYING AT HOME!!!! sigh.  Someone tells me they picked up bread from the bakery this morning and I want to tell them TO STOP GOING OUT!!!!  And that, I'm sure, is out of fear for their health and safety, and I could, I suppose ask them what safety measures the bakery was taking and what they were doing to reduce their own risks but I don't.  I just listen and try to quiet the thoughts in my head that are being oh so judgemental.

So I keep working on being gentle with myself (and others) and I remind myself that we're all figuring this out... we've never done this before (with, perhaps the exception of the quite elderly who lived through the spanish flu or what have you...) and that everyone is just trying to do the best they can (with some exceptions of course.... as humans are not uniform creatures).

But it's hard.  My anxiety seems to think it "knows better" without actually having any qualifications other than worrying a lot.

So... I just hope everyone stays well, I really do.  And I'll keep working on judging less, and letting things go.

Confession

So... I maybe just spent a little bit of time googling "how to look better on a video call,  but I'd never admit that out loud.  (Plus I already knew all of those things and UGH)

On my first video counselling call, my counsellor told me that he too "hates" video calls and so he had just turned off the preview screen that lets you see yourself.  I considered doing that for a moment but I didn't want to take the time to figure out how and I'd probably just worry that I was looking even more awful if I couldn't see myself!  GAH!

On the second call I did more looking away than looking at the actual screen of me and I suppose this is just something I'll get used to.  And, I mean, it's not as if I've never done this before... I FaceTimed with Jay before we even met, tons of times and yeah, I've FaceTimed ever since that was a thing and I've never loved it but... yeah.  Anyway.

I saw a thing the other day where someone took a screen shot of Matthew McConaughey (I had to look that up and I'm still not actually sure I spelled it right TBH!) as he sat in on some learning call or something and the quote was "if he looks this bad on video call we are all doomed!"  But there is something to be said for the skill of lighting and makeup and angles that go into regular filming vs a video call.  For sure. 

If you've watched any of the "celebrities" doing their shows or doing things from home you may have noticed they don't look "the same" and I find it really kind of interesting.

But I still wish I looked BETTER on these damn things, just saying!!!

Sigh.

Not All That Different....

My Mom got a little sad for me the other day (I'm talking to them pretty regularly right now) as she does from time to time and in her slightly sad tone she said "it must be very hard for you being alone right now?"  And I do appreciate the thought, but I had to sort of point out to her that it's really not all that different.... alone wise?  I mean, I don't think my Mom has ever lived by herself if I think about it, and so she maybe isn't aware of the "benefits" to living solo like I am.  But I do know what she must be getting at, I don't have someone here to be alone with.  But I mean I tried to assure her (not sure it worked?) that that's not a very new thing for me.  I've been pretty solitary for a while now, and single for a long while so... I mean.... I'm used to no one in my bed at night and stuff?   (Also no one else to clean up after!)

If I sit and think on it, of course I miss things.  Jason and I have been hanging out fairly regularly (I know, I didn't really tell you but I was going to get around to it... no it's not a "dating" thing.) so that's a change.  And I'm not going for sushi with C-Dawg any time soon but she and I still talk/text the same and she did a drive by book/cookie drop off the other week so I have technically *seen* her!

Do I miss people?  Of course.  But I'm ok right now.  I've been watching people talk about it online and I am aware that some are going stir crazy and some are desperately missing connection or get togethers or whatever their social gatherings were but because I've been home and unwell for a while now (anxiety y'all, not a virus thing) I've lost most of those.... things.  And is there an irony to this all happening just as I was feeling like starting to get back into things?  Of COURSE there is, but I mourned that a few weeks back when we first went into "stay home" and I was terribly upset.  For now, things are not all that terrifically or terribly different.  I still live alone.  I do not have a romantic partner to miss, like I know many are/do.  No, I don't have someone here for company but I haven't since I moved here.  (With the exceptions of when whoever maybe stayed/lived here for a while)

I do miss the freedom of things though, and I mentioned to Jason the other day that right now when I go out for a walk I'm sad that I miss dogs.  Because I don't let myself get close enough to their human to pet the dog or let it sniff my hand as I pass it by which is something I used to do.  So I suppose I miss the freedom of closeness, even though I wasn't walking around hugging everyone, you know?

For Posterity V 2

I went for a long-ish walk last week that took me through the local park.  And there are some things I noticed that I wanted to make note of, in not quite opposition, but contrast?, in, I suppose addition to the list I made a couple of weeks ago.

Birds are still singing.  Perhaps especially more so now that Spring is here and the seasons are shifting.

Children still laugh while playing in their family groups in the park.  I know this because laughter echoes and the sound of it carries, even over distance and with my headphones in.

Dogs still think chasing sticks and going for walks are AWESOME!

Spring wind still has a bite to it.

Cherry (plum?) blossoms are still super pretty and soft and lovely while they last.

Rain still leaves puddles.  Mud is still muddy.

Herons still sound like dinosaurs to me.

People are trying their best and trying to stay happy and healthy in a situation that is novel to us all.

Onwards

I'm ok today.  I'm not great, and the ok should probably be in quotation marks... like, I'm "ok", because I could certainly be better.  But I'm a little bit less awful than I have been the last few weeks.

Maybe it's just today, and right now, but I'm going with it. 

I remember talking (messaging, really) with someone a few weeks ago and her saying they were just waiting for a rhythm to get established, and I wonder if maybe that's what has happened a bit?  We've been on.... whatever we're calling it "stay at home" for a couple (few?) weeks now.  I've been getting food deliveries for a couple of weeks now.  There have been (knock on wood) no major shifts or changes and I'm limiting my news/media reading.  I've had two video counselling sessions.  And while things aren't normal... I suppose they have been fairly similar for a couple of weeks now.  And so I'm a little bit more ok. 

Am I where I'd like to be, calm wise?  No.  But I can at least now feel like I can look back on the last few weeks and say "man, that was awful".  Which means I'm not quite as "in" it.... you know?

Anyway.  Just thought I'd take a moment to make a point to myself and whoever else that I'm ok right now.  Not great.  But ok.  Quotations or not.

Lighter

It has not gone unnoticed that the days are at a lovely length.  I have been distracted by the day to day of life, but I have still been taking time, when I'm able, to look at Spring's approach.

The longer days are amazing, and well timed.  And the buds are out and the trees are in blossom and Spring is coming no matter what is going on in the human world.

May the coming of Spring bring calmer times for us all.

Nope, Still Massively Anxious!

A couple of people close to me have been somewhat hopeful that my anxiety will have been lessened by all that's going on.

My dear sweet Mother mentioned that she read somewhere that folks with depression and anxiety actually feel better when there is something "real" to focus on, like a war, and that she hoped that was happening for me.

I stumbled a bit in my response because, no, I don't really want my folks to know how difficult things feel for me... ever, but also because, well, yeah, that would be nice, but no, it's not happening for me.

Then there was Jason who said "but you've had a good day, why aren't you happy?" a few days ago when I had had, what appeared to be a fairly calm/easy day.  And I again, was at a loss for words.  Yes, I know nothing went "wrong" that day but that doesn't mean my system *gets* it and it certainly doesn't mean I felt calm and happy.  Nope.  I wish.

I will for sure be talking with my counsellor folks about this and hopefully things will improve but for the last two or three weeks it's been extremely high stress for me and my anxiety has been as high as I can remember it.  And not just for a day here or there, or a panic attack few hours, but just ongoing.  Ongoing high high anxiety.  It's.... exhausting at best.

For example... food.  I'm fairly constantly afraid (read: anxious) around food.  Will I run out?  Will the supply chain break down?  Then what?  What if I can't get a delivery because everyone needs/wants one now?  What if I have to go into a store?  Am I even hungry?  Am I eating well?  Poorly?  Will there be no fruit?  Do they even have seasonal workers helping on farms anymore? Food is safe right?  Is it?  Was it ever?  And that goes on and on and I work pretty constantly to calm myself as best I can.  To correct those "worst case" thoughts, but even just "less than worst case" thoughts are feeling constant right now.  I get my food order on Day X and I already worry that I won't get an order next week.  Before I've even unpacked.  Oh, and by the way, am I decontaminating properly?  Did I just spread virus all over everything?  I'll wash my hands again, of course, but... I mean, it's probably fine.  It really probably is.  But what if it's not?  And the packaging they use is wasteful.  This is horrible for the environment.  I feel awful and guilty.  I should just go into a store.  Use my own bags.  Suck it up... be tougher... get over the fear.  No, no, I'm *supposed* to get delivery if I can, I'm being *good*, this is what they want us to do.  Oh man, the store must be overwhelmed.  I feel so bad for the drivers and the delivery folks and am I wrong to be ordering online?  I should just go to a store.  I can't.  I can't go to a store.  I'm supposed to act as if I have it and can spread it.  And as if everyone has it and can spread it.  So... no, I'll stay home.  Unless I can't get an order in and then I'll starve?  No, I won't.  I have lots frozen I can eat and canned stuff and no way I'm starving, just... no way, nowhere near.  Ok, but what if?  What if it gets bad, like societal breakdown bad and I'm locked in my apartment because there are riots and, and... bad bad things happening and I have no food.  Because I ate it all, because I wasn't planning for worst case?  What if that?  And so on and so forth.  Fairly constantly.  Just with food.  (Nevermind the "regular" food stuff about health and weight and fitness and... all of that)  Now food is a big one right now for sure, but apply that ongoing fear chatter to... well, everything, and no, my anxiety is not "ok" right now.  It's just not.

And the harder part is I don't really have anyone being terribly helpful because I don't really believe anyone.  Everyone else (with the exception of Jason, honestly) is pretty damn sure this is all going to be ok.  Maybe scary, maybe sad, but ok.  And I don't know if anyone else is as worried and scared and terrified of all the things as I am.  And my parents are getting grocery pickup for now, and everyone else I know is just... shopping.  As far as I know.  And they maybe aren't even thinking about a broken supply chain or a... streets of rioters and being locked inside and HOLY F*CK I would also like to not have those thoughts.  But while it's easier for people to tell me to relax a bit about my other worries, it's not so easy to do it with this.  Because we're all in this.  And we've never done this before, so no one can really give me assurance I'll believe.

If you were telling me my (imaginary) breakup would hurt for a while but be ok, I'd be able to at least half believe you, because you'd gone through it before, and so had I and yeah, I could see a light at the end of the tunnel.... but this?  This is new.  TO THE ENTIRE WORLD.  And so I have not, as yet, found a way to switch down my anxiety.  And I really would like to.  More than I'm able to say.

I Wish

I've not been a fan of April Fool's day.... kind of ever.  I vaguely remember my parents playing some sort of harmless trick on me some morning and I remember sort of always being on guard for it the rest of my life.  I guess I'm not a prank person, or a joke's on you person or... whatever. 

Today, however, I would love for the world situation to be revealed as some kind of joke.  Ok, I would not "love" that as that'd actually be super weird and horrifying but... I think I just wish we could all laugh today and breathe a sigh of relief or something.

I live by myself of course, so there will be no "I'm pregnant, just kidding!" jokes (not really funny?) or cling wrap over the toilet seat (also not funny?) or whatever else a partner or parent or roommate might try.  Assuming they didn't know better.

I might take a gander at some of the usual websites to do fun/funny things, but I also wonder if folks have just been to busy trying to survive to get to it.  You know?

Anyway... happy April.