My First Day - Across The Water

So there I am... it's not yet noon and I'm driving off the ferry towards Burning Man!  I did it!  (Well, the first part/fear anyway... I got on and off the ferry... and no, my van didn't smash into anything despite my lack of e-brake, sweet!)  I was really happy I'd made that ferry.  It meant I could get further along on my drive than if I'd been on the next ferry.  Success!

I always get a little nervous going through borders, but I always have a smooth time so I was my usual amount of nervous.  I had my passport and polite smile ready and was keeping my phone out of my hands (the temptation to text that I'd made it was high!) and I told the border guard where I was going and all was well and he handed me back my passport and told me to just pull over there for an RV inspection.

Wait.. what?  A... I... oh...crap.  I kind of immediately went into calm panic mode.  Pull over where?  Just let me make sure?  Behind that van?  Ok, thank you.

Panic, panic, panic.  See, I grew up near the US/Canada border so went through it quite regularly.  For milk, gas, and cheese, of all things.  And new runners.  But going through so often (and so slowly) you see things.  And hear stories.  About vehicles that get pulled apart.  Quite literally.  And inspected for.... whatever.  And then just left.  I'd never been pulled over before.  Not with Connor.  Not with my parents or when I was a teenager.  This... was ... new.... and possibly not good.

I texted Jason.  "Getting inspected"  And I tried to maintain my calm.  I quite literally had nothing to hide, so there was nothing for me to be nervous about them finding.  This was something Jason and I hadn't talked about as a possibility other than him pointing out that if I was at a border I should get out using my driver's door (the locks don't work very well and so the passenger side door is stuck closed... and I almost broke a key off in it, which Jason spazzed about... no... really... so it's safest... key wise, to get in and out using the middle van door, but Jason had said guards wouldn't like that.  So... I unlocked the middle door and the driver door and sat with my passport at the ready... being calm.  Half smile on my face... because calm.

I then saw the guard walking over with a bag of fruit and I was relieved.  Ok.  This wasn't a trash your vehicle kind of inspection, this was a "looking through coolers" kind of inspection.  Phew. 

I figured.  Probably.  Right?  Calm.

So I lifted up the lid of my main (empty except for "fake ice" packs... which OMG leaked later in the week I've just remembered that!  Don't get the soft side ones, they can puncture UGH! I had to clean stuff and dispose of them a few days later!) cooler in the main part of the van and the red one (pictured above!  See?  There was a reason for me to repeat use this picture!  I bought this cooler for my first trip and have used it as dry goods storage every year.  I don't know if this thing has ever held ice!)  And I waited patiently.  The nice border guard came over and took my passport and the slip of paper (with magic code I guess) I'd been handed and asked to see inside.  "Sure, side door's open, come on in!"  I said, really not having any idea of proper protocol here.  Did I... open the door for him?  Just sit there?  I had no idea.

He asked if I had any food, I said no, just dried goods like chips and crackers.. you know, not so healthy!  "So processed goods."  He said.  Ok, I told myself, not really a joking situation... got it.  "Yes, processed goods."  He looked inside the big cooler and dug through the small (dry goods) one a bit and then asked about the back.  I'd forgotten I had another (empty) big cooler in the back storage area and suddenly wondered if he'd think I was trying to hide something.  And then I didn't know if I could easily get to it BECAUSE JASON PACKED MY VAN DAMNIT! But I got the door open (a little fiddly) and I only had to move one thing a little and I opened the empty cooler and that was it.  "Thank you, have a nice trip."  "Thanks!"  Phew.. relief.

Until I saw the other two border guards walking over towards me.  Aw crap.

Smile and calm, Victoria... smile and calm.

"So, where are you headed?"  they said, and I told them Burning Man and we talked about the weather (so brutally hot, I always say, because it's so true) and there was some small talk and I realized that's all this was... just small talk.  I was relieved.  And polite.  Of course.  And I mean I imagine that if they'd chatted with me and I'd seemed off in some way they might have.. who knows, whatever their job entails.. inspected or something, but I also wonder if maybe the single woman with the giant old camper van is a bit of an interesting thing on a regular old Friday.

One of them left and the other chatted a bit longer, mentioning how nice the tires I had were.  I explained that my friend had insisted on them and he told me again how great they were.  (I dunno.. tires are black and... uh.. have knobby bits on them... I don't know, except how much they cost... oh, and Jason had insisted I bring all my receipts with me in case someone at the border thought I'd bought things in the states.... like the shiny new tires.)  But yeah, apparently the tires on my van are impressive.  Not that I knew what that meant when the border guard (who I'm still at this point kind of nervous about) points to my van and said "you've got mud flaps on there."  And I think, oh man, have I screwed up?  Is my vehicle in trouble somehow?  But the blank look I gave him was followed by him pointing at the tires... "nice tires..."  Oh... right... thanks.  Geez.  "Where are you off to now?"  He says... "Uh... Safeway for... ice?"  I say... wanting to be polite but also wanting to get out of there before they change their mind and something bad happens.  He gives me directions which I don't understand at all and only half listen to and I thank him and wish him a good day and I get back in the van and text Jason that it's all ok and I fire up Google maps (faster than getting the GPS out and I type in Safeway and I... drive away.  Made it through the border and woah.. I survived that.  An inspection.  First time for everything I guess.  Connor and I never got inspected.  Maybe it's specific to camping type vehicles.  But.. I don't think we were inspected our first year either (when he had his camper thing)  But hey... it turned out fine in the end, just was a little nerve wracking.

So I head up the road to Safeway (not sure why there in particular, but that was the destination that'd been chosen) and I top up the gas tank (after getting a "postal code" or whatever they're called... Zip code) and it costs like... nothing.  I get kind of weirded out.  Text Jason... uh... a quarter tank cost, like, ten bucks?  Is the gas gaugue broken????

No, he says, that's just how much cheaper gas is in the States.

Woah.

I park.  "Park"  because Jason's told me it's ok if I take two spaces... a little extra in the back so that I don't feel blocked in, but the parking lot's not too full so I don't feel too bad.... plus I'd like that extra room to pull out into... still trying to figure out the turning radius or whatever.  I call him.  In the parking lot.  Because I'm revving pretty high stress wise and he's the one person I can count on.  He's also the one person I know who's working from home right now so I can actually call him.  No idea what we talk about.... I mention the border.  The cost of gas.  How it's hot and I'm scared.  I just want to stand there talking to him on the phone and never leave.  Or maybe just come home.  I keep talking to him.  Watching the people.  I know I should do something... get on the road... find my grocery list...  but if I just keep talking to him I'll be ok.  It'll be ok.  I can just not... do anything.

But eventually I tell him I should go.

I head into the store.  I buy things... like booze I told my camp I'd pick up.  It's expensive but who knows when I'll be at a grocery store again.. not sure of my time line.... so I may not be shopping in Klamath Falls like usual and I'd hate to show up without what I said I'd bring so better safe than sorry... get it now.  So I get booze and fruit (but just for today, can't take it across into California... they inspect) and a steak... because I'm camping for the next few days and... Jason has talked me through managing my ice in my coolers and suggested I try cooking a steak.... which I've only ever done at home but ok.  And a few things for the trip.  Like Gatorade.  But they don't have the big bottles.  But again, for whatever reason, I'm feeling a lot of stress about getting what I need NOW.  So I do.  And I ask about getting ice as I'm paying, and they tell me they're out.

The store is Out.  Of.  Ice.

Fuck.

Our entire plan revolved around me getting ice at this stop and doing my food cooler this way and my ice only cooler than way and now I have no ice. 

I look on my way out and there are a few bags of block ice.  I go back and buy them.  (They were part of the plan and better than no ice at all because I bought a steak damnit!  And cheese!  And why am I doing this I am so not prepared for this I never camp by myself.  I haven't camped in ages anyway and now I'm going to do it by myself AND I'm going to try to feed myself and what the bleep am I thinking.  This is such a stupid idea.

But I go back to the van to unpack my stuff.

And someone has parked RIGHT behind me... in the 3/4 spot I left.  Cuz Jason said I could.  Sigh.

I open the van.  It's roasting in there.  Like super hot.  Ugh.

I transfer my groceries into whatever areas I can.  Remember... I didn't pack the van.. I only discover what's there as I'm going.  While maneuvering around the bike and coolers and good lord it's awful.  And hot.  This is stupid.

I pack my food into the cooler that was supposed to have more ice in it than it does and I just cross my fingers that I don't poison myself.  The steak should be fine, and the cheese too... not much else that would kill me but still... who sells out of ice, I tell you...

I check the thermometer... it's 40 degrees "outside"... I take the part of the thermometer that's meant to measure outside down off the window because it's not helping to have it register that hot.  The thermometer says it's 35 degrees "inside"... which is.. where I'm sitting.  With both windows down... and this is so uncomfortable and I'm not even in the desert yet.  Could this be any dumber of an idea?

But I sit, and text Jason, and pull myself together and I program.. wherever.. into the GPS... and Google Maps and I connect my phone to the bluetooth speaker I got and I have some tunes and I have some food and I'm heading to Oregon!  Or at least as far south in Washington state as I can get before it's either dark or I'm done for the day. 

I start her up (she's fine once you've had her going for a while and it's not the morning cold start.. well she's not fine, but she's way better) and we pull out and on the road we go and all of a sudden I'm beaming.

Look at me!  I'm driving!  By myself! This big old van!  In the States!  I'm doing it! I'm on a solo road trip!  ME!  I'M DOING IT THIS IS AWESOME!!!!!  YES!!!!!!  Here I go!!!!!

And I'm happy.  I'm happy and I'm proud and I'm actually seeming to drive her ok and yeah, maybe I can't see out the rear (no mirror) but I could see out of the side mirrors if I was relaxed enough to look at them and no, I can't glance down at the gagues but my GPS has a readout of how fast I'm going and it glows red if I'm too fast so I'll be ok.  Oooh and it beeps when there's a school zone!  Thanks GPS! 

And then the crosswinds hit.

Or not maybe even crosswinds.  But they felt like crosswinds because the entire van started to wobble.

Which wasn't fun.  I realize now that I'd made it out of town and onto the highway so the speeds were higher, but at the time all I knew was that I wasn't really feeling like I could control the van and it was wobbling and I felt like I was going to get pushed over and toppled over and now all I could hear was the wind rushing by, no music at all, and the zoom of drivers as they passed me by at full speed.

F*ck.

My First Day - First Things First

A.K.A. Day One.

A.K.A. Ugh.

So, I drove myself to Burning Man.  And it was awful.

No.  Really.  (Here's what I said about it... while in the middle of it... "Yesterday was horrendous.  I don't want to exaggerate, but nor to I want to under-ggerate.  (Not a word, I know) but it was awful.  I was miserable.  And scared out of my mind.  And that's just the tip of it.")  It was horrible.

The month leading up to me was completely stressful and not at all fun, and the week (or two) leading up to it was even worse.  I hated it and wanted it to just be done.  All of it.  It was whatever synonym for awful you want to use.  Really bad.  And then, I'm afraid, it got worse.

So here we are at my attempt at recounting the trip down.  Pretty much a month to the day after it happened.  Which hopefully means I have some distance from it and won't have to relive it quite as intensely.

While I had booked the first ferry for Friday morning, that meant getting up and out of the house before five a.m. and after the terrible evening Jason and I had just had and the hours of final organizing and packing I'd done after he left, I didn't think it was wise to aim for that one... but still, I was up early, with very little sleep and a body that did not want to participate.

Jason had said if I wasn't awake by whatever time, he was calling.  But I was awake, and not wanting to be.  My body doesn't do lack of sleep, or early mornings and it was rebelling the main way it knows how... stomach stuff.  I felt awful.

Jason said he was coming over.  I asked him not to... somehow I just wanted to avoid anything.  But he headed over.  I can't quite remember the details, but my stress level was beyond.  I brought down the things I needed to pack and Jason got mad.  Something about how I should have brought them down last night and I just couldn't handle it so I yelled back.  All while trying not to wake up the neighbours.  Brought down more bags (my travel bag, camera bag, purse, etc.) and he had loaded things.  My bike.  My bedding.  I was furious.  How was I supposed to un-pack and re-pack the van every night when he had packed it!  How was I supposed to know where anything was, nevermind put it back together the next morning when I had to leave again?  Why had he done this?  I scream-yelled like I never have before.  A giant "FUCK!" that I don't think has ever come out of me before but I was so so angry and done and unimpressed with everything and this whole entire cluster-f*ck of a stupid situation.  I didn't even know how he got my bike inside.  Or how he'd secured it.  He did it and he didn't even show me and this was pretty much my last straw.  I continued to express my extreme upset at this whole situation while I un-did the bungees around my bike to see how he'd set them up.  Which then had him yelling because I'd un-done and somehow ruined them.  You guys, it was the worst.  Just the worst.  I wanted nothing to do with him ever ever again.  Ever.

And Jason and I have these moments.  They may not be the loveliest, but he is the only person I have in my life that I can tell exactly how I feel (without filters) and even feel or say that I never want to speak to him again and know that once I (we) calm down, we'll hug and support each other.  I still hate the bad times, so very much.  But they are what they are.  (And these were awful.)

I don't even know how or why it happened but all of a sudden there were no more bags in my apartment to bring down.  Everything was in the van.  I triple checked my "last minute" list (passport, ticket, etc.) and everything was in.  Crap.

I had no more excuses.  None at all.  Everything was packed.  The van was prepped and ready to go.  Thousands of dollars had been put into making her safe.  It was all done.  My apartment was ready.  Jason was going to water my plants and check my mail.  I had committed to being on playa and working certain shifts.  I... had to go.  Now.

Jason kept smiling.  I kept crying.  Jason kept taking photos.  I kept trying to not cry when he did.  

I think it was probably just around eight.  Probably a little earlier to be honest.  It had been a hellish couple of hours between my body and the awfulness with Jason and I and both of us being stressed beyond belief and me feeling like I had to do this thing I really really didn't want to do.  I wasn't even sure I could get to the ferry.  Jason offered to drive in front of me.  I tried to start the van.  I was reminded she doesn't like to start.  Or doesn't start easily.  "Doesn't like the mornings, just like her Mom"  I joked.  Because ha.  You have to try to laugh or it'll all just kill you even worse.

Seeing as this was my first time driving her alone in the day (the night before being my first time ever driving her by myself at all) I was grateful it was early and there wasn't a lot of traffic.  I tried to get used to things.  I tried not to hold my breath that I wasn't going to hit something or she wasn't going to... stall or break or die or something.  I mean, I *know* my car.  I know when she sounds or feels a little weird.  I know how much happier she is (and feels) after an oil change.  I didn't know this van at all.  Other than I had driven her for a few the week before and scared the living sh*t out of Jason.  Not reassuring.  I had no sense of her size or width and I had no rear view mirror, and to be honest, I wasn't looking at anything other than the road.

Her turn signals don't work.  I mean, they do, for the observer, but you have to hold the right one down and you have to turn the left one off yourself.  And there is no working horn.... or air.  Or radio.  Or knob on the window to make it easy to roll the window up or down.  And no rear view mirror.  Just these giant mirrors on the side that I wasn't even looking at because I was trying so damn hard not to slice into the side of a parked car or something.  Oh and well maybe it would be kind of ok... I got into the ferry terminal ok.... but looked like I wasn't terribly likely to make the ten.  Which meant sitting in the van until whatever the next ferry was.. the one?

Jason wanted to take more shots, but wasn't allowed in, so I waved from the van and went to the gate and gave him a hug.  He was emotional.  I was scared and emotional but trying to be strong.  Felt sort of strong and determined and, well, I was doing it, so.. here goes.... And then he left.

And I sat there.  In my van.  By myself.

I tried to organize the front area.  I'd bought a plug in fan, so I got that going because yes, it was already hot.  I plugged in the thermometer but then decided to ignore it when it told me it was thirty something degrees in the van.  At not quite nine a.m.

I messaged C-Dawg... "in ferry lineup."  Just kind of sat there.  Being there.  It was weird.  I'd usually done this with Connor.  With him driving... and taking responsibility.  And me not having to do anything but sit there and be a good passenger.  Usually with a gravol in my system.  Because my stomach hates early mornings, and Connor and I are always on that first ferry.

Nothing in my system today though. Just trying to organize my driving area, while not looking suspicious to border guards, while wondering if everyone was looking at the single woman in the giant old camper van.  It was weird.

And when Connor is the driver, I sort of let him worry about the border stuff.  It's not on me somehow, in that situation.  But this time it was *just* me.

And I'd heard about a few people who'd been turned back at the border on their way to Burning Man and there was a part of me that maybe secretly hoped I'd be turned back and would have an excuse to not do anymore.  "Oh man, I couldn't do the drive, I got turned back.  Sorry, I couldn't make my shifts/commitments, I got turned away at the border.  Sorry.  Sorry.  Sorry."

I went into the lineup, got through the border questioning (no idea what they asked, but I imagine it was something about the length/reason for the trip or something)  and got through more questioning (I'm always honest about where I'm going and why and when I mentioned I was volunteering this time... when they asked where I was staying, they asked if I was being compensated in any way.  I wanted to laugh, but just said no.  I didn't say that I was actually paying for the privilege of volunteering and and working and staying with said camp... but anyway... it was different.... doing it myself.)

Then the ferry started to load.  And line after line went in.  And then I went forward... and the loading guy said "we'll get you on Ma'am" and... I was happy.  I'm ON THIS FERRY!!!! I don't have to wait hours!  I'm on this... I... oh... I have to park on this ferry.  Deep breaths.... deep... breaths....

And there was room!  I didn't feel like I would hit anything!  It was SO MUCH EASIER THAN I'D IMAGINED!!!!  Go figure.

And then they asked me to put on my e-brake.

I nodded... but don't have a functioning e-brake.

This freaked me out.

Jason had had me buy... uh... triangle thingies for under the tire but I didn't know where they were (see why I didn't want him packing!?) and I didn't feel I had the time to go digging and probably couldn't have anyway (damn bike) and so I just... locked my doors and hoped maybe they would put block things under my tires.  Crap.

I was so scared during the ferry trip.  It was a pretty wobbly ride and I kept imagining my van sliding into the van next to it and causing damage.  But I knew I couldn't go down and look so I just tried to ignore what might be happening.  I kept texting Jason... "it's really bumpy... will she move?  will it be ok?"  He was... not all that reassuring.  "Tires should help her grip."  .... SHOULD?  SHOULD?  I HAVE NO E-BRAKE WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!!???

And then there was the nausea.  For which I didn't want to take a gravol (plus, they don't kick in fast enough) but this is another reason I've typically taken one on this first travel day... I can get a little motion sick and this ride wasn't a good one for that.

Plus, it's awkward when you're by yourself and have to pee.

I'd brought up my map book and a novel as well as my purse and I didn't want to carry them all into the washroom so I asked someone next to me if they'd mind watching my stuff (and I took my purse with me anyway) and I had that nervous pee thing where I'd go and then get back to my seat and have to go again and didn't want to bother the person again so I just kind of tried to hurry which meant I had to pee again!!! when I got back because I hurried and so I just told my body that no... we just peed... there was nothing left, you're fine.

And then I was on the other side.  America!  Me!  And my van!  We were off the ferry!  I was happy!!!!  I DID IT!!

Dodged That One!

Computer is back!  Miracle!

Or, ok, not really an actual miracle, but they only had it a couple of days and the "issue" was covered by Apple so all it cost me was the diagnostic charge and couple of days.  So happy.  And relieved.

There were a couple of days this week where I wasn't sure how my bank account was going to survive.  Because I'm already in a lot of hot water with the van stuff and then the computer went and I thought I might need to get a new (or at least gently used "new") one and then my car went in for a checkup and I was half convinced it was going to be deathly ill but then my car was fine and my computer was fine and I backed up my system and phew.  I really came out on top of things this week.  Thank you, whoever!

So, yeah.... computer is back in my possession and my fingers are so much happier to be typing on a keyboard rather than a phone screen.

Yay for easy, inexpensive fixes! 

(PS  Back up your computer, k?)

Itsy Bitsy (Screen)

So I'm typing this with voice recognition on my phone. It's a little bit better than trying to type on my phone with my fingers and thumbs, but it's still weird.

 For those of you who don't read comments or didn't read the comments in the last post or two, my computer completely died two nights ago and is in the shop. I don't currently have a replacement or stand in computer, just my phone.

 Because of the timeline of me being away and all that entailed, I was going to back up my computer but didn't....  So here's hoping they can recover the last month's worth of photographs.

 It's strange the things you take for granted when you have a computer and access to the Internet. It's also strange how you tend to forget passwords when your computer usually automatically signs you in. Sigh.

 I thought using voice recognition might be a good way to write but I really don't like it! So that's gonna be all for now and cross all sorts of fingers and things for an easy fix and a fast computer return.

Sigh.

Hello "Dark at 7:40 pm" how are you?

Can't say I've missed you at all. 

*Stomps off, pouting*

Writer's Self Talk Exposed, You'll Never Believe What Happens Next!

Part of my conundrum in trying to write about the travel portion of my trip is that in remembering the trip down, I feel like I lose part of the drama of the trip back. 

Connor, when I messaged him from the hotel room I was stuck in messaged back that the trip down was easy, it was just a difficult trip back.  I said no.  No.  The trip down was awful.  The trip back was worse.

I had thought I would start by telling you about the day I left playa, but then yesterday I started writing about the week or so before I left and I just let that happen.  Now I can go forward from there... talk through the week down... or I can skip right to the day I left Black Rock City.  And then go backwards.

It's odd to talk about how to talk about things but I suppose since I started where I did, I should continue going forth from there.

Plus, how crooked is this photo when you stop to look at it?  Very.  *scratches head*

Really, Really Awful

I feel like I curved my way through Summer.  There was a lot.  From Spring on, there was a lot and I wasn't particularly comfortable.

But I did what I could.  And I made my way inexorably towards the end of Summer... which for a few years now, has meant Burning Man.

This year was stressful.  Incredibly so.

There were many many times I felt it was best to just not go.  But I just kept moving forwards so that I wasn't cutting myself off from whatever might work out.

And the vehicle situation did not help at all.

I don't remember what I wrote about here, but hindsight tells me it's better for me not to just blindly trust people to carry all my eggs in their basket.  And for me to not be so concerned about bothering someone who is doing me a favour.  (I want to put quotation marks around those words but am resisting that desire.)

Burning Man opened on the 28th this year.  I was going to leave town on the 19th.  Travel slowly but surely along the coast down towards Nevada.  Going very slowly, because I'd never travelled by myself and we (Jason and I) weren't sure how many hours worth I'd be comfortable or enjoy doing a day so we planned for less than three.  (Except on the last day or two when there's not much to do besides keep going... plus we figured by then I'd be excited and wanting to arrive.)

(Repeating what I think I've blogged before) By the start of August, I still hadn't heard from the fellow who was finding me a van to take down.  (The fellow I'd given money to and who had found two vans that turned out be lemons.)  Jason had started working on possible backup plans but I was very much in panic mode.  Which tends to freeze and therefore incapacitate me.  It was bad.

I called buddy, he said he'd get on it.  Time passed.  Somewhere around the 15th, he had a van.  I started to adjust plans to maybe leave a bit later and take a shorter trip down.  I was going to be arriving on the Saturday the 17th since I was volunteering and blah blah blah one day early entry.

The van wasn't released to buddy.  I didn't know what to do.  A week passed.  Nothing.  It passes the day I had intended to leave.  I am panicking for reasons.  Many.

Jason finds an old camper van he wants me (us) to look at.  I'm feeling pretty screwed at this point.  We go look.  It's old.  And big.  I am not comfortable with it at all.  Someone else shows up wanting to buy it.  I feel stuck and pressured (I HAVE NO WAY TO GET THERE!  AND I HAVE TO GO!) so I buy it even though I try to drive it up the road and hate it and don't feel safe and comfortable and can't afford to buy another van.

We buy it.  We get possession of it on Monday.  (I was going to leave three days ago... re-jig travel plans.)  It is awesome in some ways and not in others.  No one who sells it to us (family and their Dad and brother who'd helped maintain it) feel it's in good enough condition to "get that far and back"  Jason feels it can.  I feel whatever slightly less than "horrified" is.  Terrified?  Utterly frightened?  So not ok with this?

Jason goes to town trying to get the van in as good shape as possible.  I keep trying to push the driving so I can still not drive too many hours a day... maybe I can leave Wednesday?  I book ferries.  Jason does what he can to get a mechanic friend to help him look stuff over.  They are happy with what they see.  I am not.  The license plate has no lights... they try to fix it, they can't.  The windows are sealed shut... this is not a good thing.  There is no radio.  The steering wheel is sideways.  The blinkers don't work, nor does the horn.  No one's sure about the electrical system.  I learn things that I don't really quite understand... like... solenoids.  (Did I even spell that right?  Things to do with batteries in cars?)

Jason is in charge here and I'm just wielding the VISA while trying to keep some sort of budget in mind.  New battery, ok, I'm down with things that will make it work better.  Meanwhile his truck has a major brake system meltown and he loses it and I try to help by offering to pay for parts or something and I just want all this to go away and stop and this is nowhere near fun and I don't feel ok.  Oh, and it wasn't a nice feeling to be in his (old) truck when the brakes started doing the bad thing and I just keep thinking of how I should not be taking this old van all the way to Burning Man.  This is so not a good idea.  At all.

Jason insists on things I have no desire to argue with, but what's left of my meager savings is slowly, frighteningly falling away.  New tires.  Ok, fine.  Safety first, yes please.  And the tire guys say the brakes seem fine (although the back one was impossible to get to but yeah) and suggest we get it lubed before the trip down to the desert.

Again, I know little about vehicles so trust Jason (and friends) to their smarts to keep me safe.  I'd planned (re-planned) to leave Thursday morning (after booking Wednesday's ferry and missing it...) but Jason insists he wants to take it in for oil change and lube.  I get so freaked out Thursday morning that I dry heave from nerves.  Never done that before.  This is bad.  I don't see how I can do this, and I don't feel comfortable but I don't see a way out.

Jason tells me I don't have to do it but I feel like I do (signed up for lots of volunteer shifts and work and feel like I now "have" to go... plus I said I would... and sort of set myself that task and damn... this is awful.)  Jason also tells me he's not comfortable or confident with the van and me driving it.

Great.  Now I feel like I'm going to die.  Literally.  Not in that dramatic emotional way but I actually feel like I am doing something dumb and unsafe.

Oh, and Jason also wants to get the solar set up.  With an inverter he found.  (And we had a massive fight because I kept asking questions to clarify how it all worked and he felt this was me not listening and we had to try to stay calm and explain that this was how I learned and ugh... it was the worst week followed by a week so awful we both probably should have stopped.)  And to see if he can get the fan hooked up (more electrical) But he takes it in to get an oil change and the guy there looks underneath and says no.  Your friend can not drive this as is.  Break the key in the lock if you have to, but this is not safe to drive.

Which sends me back to the vomit panic mode because I was just about to drive it.  This is so not ok.

So.  Not.  Ok.  At all... and I am now beyond what I had in savings and I don't want to do this and no one is cheering me on.

Thursday afternoon he takes it in for a brake job.  They fix... things and new brakes and oh my lord does that ever feel better and Jason is finally relieved and happy with the safety of the van and is going to rush things this afternoon to get the electrical set up.  (Even though he's not 100% confident in his electrical work... but he's pretty sure he can do it without dying.  Oh lord, please make it stop.)

I keep thinking about how both of us are stressed beyond what's ok and that at least when I leave he gets to relax.  I leave and have a week of stress getting down, a week of stress dealing with the heat down there and then a week of stress getting back.  I get no relief.  This is not ok.  I just want to give up.

I clearly miss the ferry I book on Thursday.  I rebook for Friday first thing.  Fourth booking I've tried to get to this week.

Jason fights against the dark (in a literal way) and we are both reminded how poorly we work together under stressful situations.  He is awful.  He tells me I'm being wimpy.  I tell him I'm trying not to lose it dealing with his awful mood.  It's bad.  Things aren't going smoothly and it's involving electricity which I do not like.  And he's not completely comfortable with either.  It gets dark.  I am desperate to get a window unsealed because it's awful and nasty hot in the van and I'm in Victoria... f*ck.

I tell him, in all honestly, that I'm done and not going.  His mood and the stress have killed me and I quit.  He yells back that that's fine but he's finishing this work no matter what.  I don't know how to make him stop.  I am frightened of him and the situation and I would leave him and go inside but I don't trust him not to yell at my neighbours so stick around to manage anything that might happen.  It's awful.  Why did I ever sign up for this?  I can not even tell you how awful this was.  After a week of hell.  Really.  The neighbour who is going to Burning Man shows up.  This calms Jason.  I am endlessly grateful.

He shocks himself.  Badly.  I want to cry/die.  I order pizza.  He doesn't eat it.

Somehow he finishes.  Something.  Wires.  I have power.  For... ? A fan I guess?  It's late.  I'm supposed to be on the earliest ferry.  Which means being up at 4am.

We "pack" the van.  Most of it.  Not my bike or essentials.  But the big bins.  And tools.  And whatever.

I am shaking.  Do not want to go.  Jason is done.  And mad.  Tells me fine. Don't go.  Or go.  You're going.  I don't remember.

He leaves.  I look at the clock.  Realize I can't be functional on three hours of sleep and decide I'll try for a later ferry.  I'm not getting there for Saturday now anyway... why try to rush?  I don't even think I can drive this thing onto the ferry without hitting people.  Because I haven't driven it.  I drove it for maybe half an hour.  Freaked Jason out, apparently (we didn't know but the passenger seat wasn't bolted properly so my driving felt really really bad to him) which didn't help because I was terrified of the size... plus, no rear view... plus no sense of space.  Jason yells at me that if I can't tell how big the vehicle is I shouldn't have a license at all.  I want to die.

I can't drive this thing.  I just can't.  And I can't get it to Burning Man.  But I can't not go.  I am stuck.

And so scared and freaked out I'm non functional.  And I can't talk to anyone about it because no one but Jason is really aware of what's going on.  And everyone will just tell me not to go... which I can't.  I have to go.  I just can't.

So I decide to not go for the first ferry, which means I have to move the van to a parking space that will allow me to sleep in.  So for the first time, I go out to drive the van by myself.  I don't put on a bra, because it's one or two in the morning.  I deal with the fact that the van doesn't like to start.  I drive slowly around the block.  The same block I'd driven around with Jason earlier, trying to get him to help me with seeing/feeling how BIG the van is/was.  Which is when he yelled.  Which made it all worse.  So I drive around the block.  I park a time or two and see how close I get to the curb.  Far.  It's not the size I see it as... ok.

I realize I'm driving the van by myself for the first time with no bra.  It fits somehow.  That 70s feel.  I try to take heart from this.

I tell myself I need to sleep.  But I don't.  (Of course I don't.)

I wake up at some point the next morning.  Jason has my car.  He drives over.  Gets mad that I have "so much more" to pack.  Bedding... travel bag... bike.  He loads it all.  Bungees stuff down.  I get mad.  Very mad.  Because he's packed the whole thing and I have no idea how.  I un-bungee things.  He gets mad.  I swear.  Quit.  Give up.  He tells me I'm getting on the next ferry.  Leaving now.  8 something am.  I am not ready.

I cry.  Can't do this.  Don't even want to.  I have had to try to quell the panic by breaking it down into chunks.  So all I'm going to do now is drive to the ferry terminal.  (Jason drives in front of me)  We get there.  I may not make the ferry.  He takes some photos.  I try to smile.  I am crying.  It is awful.  I don't want to do this.  I really really don't.  I will get to the other side and make a decision.  I am going to be late.  I will not make my first shift.  I do not want to drive this van.  It is hot inside the van and it's early morning.  My thermometer I got says it's 42.  Please don't let that be right.  I take the thermometer out of the sun.  It's still thirty something in the van.  It's not even 10 am.  Why am I doing this?  I do not want to do this.  I am by myself.  This isn't fun.  None of this has been fun.

Jason is proud.  Tells me so (via text.. he's not allowed in the terminal)  I feel there's nothing to be proud of.  At all.  I feel awful and am a mess.  I don't want to be here.

I don't do things on my own.  Why am I doing this?

Jason gives me some nickname from some driving movie he loves.  I tell him I'm not a driver.  I'm really not.  He's emotional.  So very proud of me.  I am just focussing on hopefully getting on this ferry.

It's now a week later than I had wanted to leave.  I have made several different driving plans.  If I can get this far, go to here.  If only this far, go to here.  I inform people on playa that I will not necessarily make any of my shifts (at this point I have no idea how long it's going to take me to get there.)  This is pretty much everything I didn't want to do.... Go in an old, unknown vehicle that I haven't driven at all until the day I left...

I am done and at a stress level beyond anything that's remotely ok and I haven't even left town.  And I don't know if it's stubbornnness or determination or un-smartness but I can't seem to not go forward.

I really had hoped to be this awesome, fun loving chick enjoying this wonderful solo trip.  Nothing in the weeks or days leading up to me being in the ferry lineup had been anything like that at all.  Not fun.  Not even close to it.  Just fear and anxiety and worse worse worse.  And no one there to comfort me.

You guys, it was awful.  So so awful.  With no break in sight.  August 26th, in the ferry lineup... hating everything while trying to be in the moment and positive.  Scared out of my mind. 

The Words

Ok.  So I did nothing this week. 

Well, that's an exaggeration.  I did not much at all this week.  (Other than what "had" to be done.)

I still have tidying to do, although a lot less than in previous years since almost all of my stuff and gear and packable items are still in a van in Northern California.  So at some point here today I hope to finish the tidying that I'd like to have happen.  Those final few things stored away... wherever.

I might go see my parents this weekend, although I'm really not sure of how much I feel like telling them about what all went down.  I'm not yet in a place where I have a succinct version of the telling of the story.  Even the trip home resonates with the echoes of the trip down.

I think having been home a week, I have settled somewhat and feel a little less like this is all a dream.

I cancelled as much as I could this week and did a whole lot of vegging.  Restorative vegging.  Un-thinking.  Chilling.

I will tentatively start putting one foot in front of the other and maybe interacting with people who aren't Jason.

Or not.  I'm tired and don't really care all that much.

Which somehow reminds me I should go drink more water.

A Week

Happy Friday y'all.

A week ago today, I was waiting for the bus to arrive to take me to Reno to catch an evening flight home.

Life can be a strange, strange thing.

Odd

The first while sleeping at home after Burning Man is always a little odd and difficult to adjust to.

I think I maybe babbled about it the other day, but usually it's hard to adjust to there NOT being sound and noise.

This year, my sleeping was a lot quieter, partly because of where I was camped, but partly being in a camper van rather than a tent (more sound insulation). 

But each night since I've been home (which seems a lot longer than it actually is.... I've only been home for six nights, weird) I have the same oddness happen.

As I'm falling asleep, I remember that I still have to get/drive home.  And then I kind of come to a little and go through this weird moment or two of realizing that no, that's actually the dresser next to my bed... at home... in my room... in my apartment; I don't have to get myself home.  I don't have to drive/get this room home.  I am home.

It's a strange thing and odd feeling and it has happened each night so far as I'm falling asleep... that weird feeling of still having to get home....  bedroom and all.

Randoms

This is the shot I put up on my flickr account the first time I left for Burning Man (in 2013.)

(I was doing the 365 photography project at the time and knew I'd be away from the internet for the trip but would still take a photo a day... just not upload them til I got back.)

It was not long after I returned that year that I canned that particular flickr account and started one under something a whole lot closer to my name.

Something I could share with family and friends as it wasn't attached to a blog I try really hard to keep anonymous (ish)  and separate from my "real" person kind of information.

I remember coming back from Burning Man that year and wanting to be more open with my art and creativity.  And wanting to get back into making art and drawing and painting.  I felt inspired.

I also remember that year having no idea how I would get to Burning Man once Jay told me I couldn't travel with him.  There was NO WAY I could do that drive myself.

I still kind of stand by that, by the way... even having done it... or half and a bit of it myself.  I was right to think it would have been too much for me then.  It wasn't much fun four years later.

Unrelated to the drive, I've been eating gluten since I left.  And I haven't stopped.  Ugh.  And I feel utterly exhausted and swollen and not happy about it, but it was kind of like the floodgates opened and the first night I arrived it was spaghetti and I just said screw it and ate it and man I miss gluten.

Then I ate the pretzels and just kept saying "screw it" and then Oreos JUST BECAUSE and then on the trip back... when you're stranded in a small town you just eat what you can and then I came home and wanted more pretzels and ugh.

I need an intervention.

And someone to cook for me for a week so I can get back to decent eating patterns.  Eating out for a week, and gluten on top of that was icky.  I did what I could but gah.

Anyway.

I got angry and flustered with Jason today when he told me, again, what should have and could have happened with the van so it's still on my mind and I'm still playing the avoiding game.

I've also had far too much internet for the last couple of days so that's gotta change before I claw my eyeballs out or something.

Sigh.

No banana tree peels either.  No... I mean, no banana peels at the foot of trees either.  Man, that was more complicated than it should have been.

My Burning Man 2016 Experience (EXCLAMATION POINT, EMOTICON SMILEY FACE!)

AH HAH HAHAHAH!

(ahem)

Sorry about that.



Yeah, so this trip was rough.  Really really rough.

The week at Burning Man itself was fine (probably better than fine, but I'll need a while to get to that point) but the travelling portion was awful.

I'm actually actively avoiding writing about the trip home right now because it sets me off on a really upsetting mental path and I'm trying to let the "what might have happened" thoughts and images dissipate somewhat before I lay the story down on paper.


I'm going to try not to talk about the "should"s of the situation.  Like how I should not be ok.  Or how things should not have gone as well as they did, or how the vehicle shouldn't have done what it did.  But those will come up.

If you TL;DR: I hated driving by myself.  It was awful.

And when I stopped hating it, I really disliked it.  Over the five days of driving I did, there were maybe an hour or two where I didn't strongly dislike the experience. 

It might have been different had I been in my car, or a different vehicle, but that wasn't the case.  I don't feel strong, or proud or anything other than exhausted and not ever wanting to do that again.

Which is too bad, because the camping by myself I really did enjoy.  Oh, the irony.  (Just have to find someone to drive with me that I can then kick out to camp on their own at night.  Sigh.)

The trip down was awful and was preceded by an awful week, and would probably have outdone the trip back in awfulness had the vehicle situation that happened not happened. 

Which is what I'll get around to writing about as soon as I can, I promise.

But it's funny (not really) to me to see blog posts springing up and people sharing their photos and videos when I am still barely feeling functional from the fifteen days away from home I just went through... and the week... and month or two before that.

I'm glad so many people had wonderful experiences they can't wait to share.  That's awesome.

I'm just glad I'm alive and all in one piece.  And I'm hoping I can continue to recover emotionally and mentally from the last week... and at some point, figure out what all I took from the week in the desert... and the rest of the getting there and back and all the rest.

So many firsts.  (And hopefully some lasts.)  

I'll Be Ok

Shock is a funny thing.

I hear it's protective, and I can understand that, but right now everything's still in a bubble.  And even saying that doesn't quite make sense.

Typing is difficult.  My fingertips feel weird.  That's not the shock, that's the playa... what it does to your skin... your hands especially.  Although I seem to have taken better care of my hands and feet this year than ever before.

I'm not sure I'll ever make it back.  To Black Rock City, that is.  They say "don't divorce your parakeet" after returning from the event, and I won't.  Won't make any decisions.  Don't even need to, really, for a while.  Or ever.  But I don't feel, right now, that I can ever do that drive again.  And that's probably the shock.  Or what I went through.  Or both.  Or all.  I'm just trying to keep it together here.  To gather the parts of me that scattered or hid or are still floating in the bubble of survival mode.  I feel like I can almost poke the edges of the bubble I'm in right now.  Surreal as that sounds.  Today will be the first day I make it out of my house since I arrived back home some time after 1 am Friday night.

I'm ok.  I said that the other day.  I'm ok.  Physically all in one piece.  Things are just things and can be recovered or replaced... I don't care.  The money I care about, but that will sort itself out.  Or not.  With time.

I, uh, have very little cleaning and unpacking to do.  Having come home with two bags, a carry on and a purse.  On an airplane.  Having left in a van.  With all my stuff.

I miss the scissors I bought.  And the blanket Jason gave me.

I forgot my computer was dying until I got home.  More money.  Mo money... said the rapper that lives inside the strange space that is the vastness of my mind.

I'm ok.  Shaken.  Not stirred.  (Slightly hysterical laugh from someone in the crowd at that one... crickets from the rest.)

I want preztels.  The gluten kind.  Food fixes nothing, but comfort helps.

I was away for 15 days.  I'm convinced this was three weeks although the math says otherwise.  Three weeks equals 15 days, just so you know.  Maybe it's because the month changed while I was away.

"I need to process."  I hear that when people say it but I really do need to process.  It's like the old school printer has all jammed up and needs someone to come sort out the paper and feed it through again carefully and line up all those holes on the side of the paper that you'd then tear off, remember?

Jason saved everything.  All the days.  For me.  I don't know what to think about that except the gratitude I have doesn't feel like enough.  I hope he never felt helpless.  I think I would have had I been in his position.

I don't know how we did this kind of thing before cell phones and GPSes and wifi and instant connectivity.  Maybe a solo road trip wasn't such a good idea after all.

You know how sometimes you have to open something that's been under pressure and you have to do it very very slowly, a bit at a time so all the fshhhhhhhhh leaks out in small, measured doses?  That's me.  That's my brain.  My feelings.  My coping with and dealing with and processing this.

I asked the Universe Friday night to please stop pushing my buttons.  I am all button-pushed out.  I'm learning, and growing, but please... no more pushing of the buttons.  Comfort zone effectively destroyed.  Pushed out of.  Trialed by fire.

Whoever said "feel the fear and do it anyway" can bite me.

I might marry whoever invented air conditioning.

I should vacuum.

Home

Hi.  I made it.

I'm home.

Couch, blanket, tea.  Other things later.

I hug you all.

I'm Ok.

(Wait, why is she starting a post by saying she's ok?  And why is she talking about herself in the third person?)

I am in a hotel room somewhere in California (ish?) (on the route back home, I left the playa this morning) and my vehicle is in the shop for... X number of days and I am not likely going to be able to drive it home (nor do I want to at this point) and there was fire and 911 and bad but I am ok.  Plus they sell booze in regular stores here so I'm about to have a drink.  Not that I condone drinking but hey... I'm alive and unscathed (physically).

I know this is a lame post to post and then run off but y'all, I shouldn't be as well/alive/unscathed as I am and I don't want to talk about it right now because if I do I will go down a bad spin of what might have happened/should have happened. 

I am safe, I am well.  That is all that matters.  Burning Man was good.  Stuff burnt.  It was hot.  And dusty.  And there were people.  And I just want to go home.

But hey, I brought my computer with me and there's wifi here so... hi.  I'm ok.

I'm ok.

Hi

I'm in Oregon.

In an RV camp ground thing.

In my camper van. 

I have wifi!  And brought my computer!  (Just for the trip down and back... the playa would kill it dead.  Dead dead.  Plus, it's already nearly dead, or mostly dead.  I'm not sure which... I should ask Miracle Max, he'll know!)

Anyway.  I don't want to take up battery power, plus, I should probably sleep.  Soon.  But here's a summary of what feels like a week but looking at the date and time is apparently only two days (WHAT?)

Yesterday was horrendous.  I don't want to exaggerate, but nor to I want to under-ggerate.  (Not a word, I know) but it was awful.  I was miserable.  And scared out of my mind.  And that's just the tip of it.

Stayed near Mount St Helens and was blessed by a wind coming up overnight to cool things (and me, and this roastingly hot van) off a little.  Miracle. 

Tonight, well, I'm reminding myself it's letting me acclimatize to heat before the very very very hot place.  (Sigh)

Um... so I am here.  Somewhere in Oregon... Jason says (he's been navigating me via phone calls through both emotional breakdowns [there have been a few] and routes) I'm more than half way there.

I don't think I can, or should do the full push to Black Rock City tomorrow.  I'm around eight hours away and you never know how long gate road (entry) will take and the possibility of a twelve plus hour day just doesn't seem smart, especially knowing where I'm going and the physical strain I'll be under once there.  (It's so hard to adjust and get your body used to the heat and altitude (and heat!) while trying to set up your camp)  So although I'm feeling sad that I'm not already there (today was my "hit the playa" day) and would rather not "miss" another day, I think I will do what needs to be done to be SAFE!  And that means being smart and rested and fed and hydrated. 

Who knows, maybe I'll stop at a hotel tomorrow and get my computer going and tell you stories before I forget them.

Like just how different a road you've driven three times looks utterly different when you're the driver.

But yeah.  Hi.  I'm ok.  And here.

Wherever that is.

Ok

I think I'm leaving today....

Oh Hai

Still here...

Will try to write more tonight if I can but as of right now (Wednesday night) I'm hoping to leave tomorrow.  But I, right now, have no control over when.  (Vehicle in shop.)

I'm trying.  I really am.  Panicked my way to dry heaving this morning.  That's a first.  (And hopefully a last.)

Trying to trust too.  Jason (as the vehicle person).  Me (as being able to do this... the drive.... oh man....)  The Universe (or whatever you believe has a hand in all this) 

Man are all my buttons pushed.  I don't even know if I'll ever be able to sort through this in my head to write about it.  I honestly may have to ask Jason to help me remember when I'm back.

Think positive things ok? 

Um

You know if I disappear that's a good thing right now, right?

(I mean, assuming I can keep babying my computer .... it's touch and go right now) 

Because in theory, if I stop posting, it means I'm on the road. 

Initial plan had been to have shore power on my stops down in my van and so be able to use my laptop and maybe find some wifi to get some posts out.  Or at least to type out some posts or something.... but now.. well.  Right.

Ok, so.  I bought a camper van yesterday.  (Was it yesterday? Or... bought it technically Sunday, picked it up yesterday.)

It's old.  Like... old.  But we were assured it's been taken good care of and is sound.  Jason feels good about it.  Mechanic type people are looking at it tomorrow.

I am losing my sh*t.

I won't go in to the freakouts I am having right now because it's technically one in the morning and I'd really really like to sleep.  But this ... I mean... it was really not how I wanted things to pan out, and I'm not, well, I will have to learn to be comfortable driving such a big thing and basically, what I'm doing right now, or at least how I got through yesterday and intend to get through today is to ONLY focus on one thing at a time.

So like, yesterday it was "right now I'm driving with Jason out to pick up the van... that's it... that's all I have to do/think about."  And then it was "right now I'm following Jason back with the van"  etc. etc.  Because if I think about the big picture or even the medium big picture I lose it and panic and feel it's none of it worth it and all too much.

So... I wish I had time to say more but I'm pulling ... I don't know... ten, twelve, sixteen hour days right now or something?  And I'm beyond stressed and scared and I'm trying to change my pre-set thought patterns.  For example, I keep saying "I can't do this!" and at some point, I realized I should be saying "I don't want to do this"  Might seem small, but I think in the brain and attitude it's a big thing.  Doesn't make it easier or feel better, but I can (probably) do this... I just don't want to.  I'm not a failure ("can't")  I'm just choosing things that work for me ("don't want to")

Not that I'm saying I'm choosing not to go, just that I'm having a LOT of panic moments of holy f*ck I don't want to do this. 

The option of not going has come up again and again.

And yet I'm still here.

The "feel the fear and do it anyway" people can kiss my behind right now.  Because it feels really really bad.

(Maybe especially so for me.)

So yeah.  I was supposed to be leaving today.  I'm not.

I would LOVE to get down time of some sort today, but I'm not counting on it.  I don't know when I'll post again, so if no posts, yay!

Keep sending whatever you're sending... whatever goodness you can.  It helps and makes me smile if nothing else.  Which is a lot right now.  Thank you.

Honestly

Where I'm at, honestly... is feeling like I can't do this.

But then also feeling like I can't back out.

I've been asked to shoot a couple of events.  I've got my volunteer shifts.  I've paid camp dues.  I have people I want to meet and gifts to give them. 

But.  I have no solid way of getting there.

My car, I would trust on the drive for sure, but I can't see all my gear fitting in it, and it's now too late to add racks or whatnot.  I did consider getting a trailer hitch installed so that I could attach a bike rack or something but I didn't want to spend the (fairly considerable) money if it turned out I didn't need my car... so I didn't.  So while my car would make the drive comfortably and I'm comfortable in it... I don't see it taking my gear, plus, I don't really want to tent camp all the way there and back. 

The van I was supposed to have... well, it's not here.  It's stuck in red-tape land.  Maybe it'll get here today.  Maybe it's on the ferry as you're reading this.  But... I can't count on that.  And if it does arrive, I don't know how I'll be driving it... and the plans we had to install a ceiling vent and maybe even a backup camera... no time for that, even if it arrives today.  (At least, not that I know of... although who knows.. and maybe I could delay another day...but moot point right now as the van is not here and who knows when it will be.  This is incredibly stressful and difficult for me..... the not knowing.)

Jason has a friend who has a mini van they were going to sell, and Jason asked if I could rent it for the trip and they said yes.  Except the van needs a new battery (Jason put on in on Saturday in the extreme heat with no shade and I thought he was going to die which made me want to die) and probably tires and has been sitting uninsured for several months and I don't know if all that can happen in time and if it does, I don't know how all my gear AND ME fits in there and I can't wrap my brain around it because it's still not actually functional for the drive.

On top of all that... which, honestly is more than enough to make me feel like this just isn't going to happen.... it's been incredibly hot this week and I have NOT done well with it.  I have actually panicked a few times (heat and enclosed spaces or rooms/houses with no air flow give me panic attacks and then I have to run outside and try not to throw up and then it's no cooler out there (especially at Jason's place... it's bad)  So I'm sitting there, trying not to throw up even though I've over heated and all I can think is I can't even handle the heat at home... no way I can handle it down there.

Like, honestly.  I'm not sure I can do this.

Yes, it's always a bit stressful getting ready to go but I've always just trusted it will work out.  This year?  I don't have a solid plan to get myself there.  Not even a solid back up plan.  Nor a solid back up back up plan.  And I have not relaxed in weeks.  Not only have I not relaxed, I've been incredibly stressed.  And it's been hot.  So I'm mentally taxed, and physically not well and emotionally exhausted. 

I honestly don't feel like me going to Burning Man is something that I can handle right now.

But I sort of also feel like I can't not go.

But yeah... for anyone who thinks Burning Man is this wild crazy party in the desert?  Oh hell no.  Just... no.  It's so much work and money and time and that's not even the half of it.  I remember coming back either last year or the year before and thinking "I don't want to do that again."  Now I don't even really want to do it now.  Yes I have happy thoughts of being there.... but then I feel how hot I am and I'm by the frigging ocean.... and I try to trust that a vehicle will work out... but I can't.

And I'm trying not to woulda-coulda-shoulda...

And I'm wishing my computer wasn't getting sicker and sicker.

If wishes were horses and all....

And let's not even talk about Saturday's Hip concert.  My heart can't be broken in to any more pieces.

Oh

And still no van.

F*ck.

I realized the other day that the Hip's final (maybe) concert is happening today.

Which made me lose it all over again.

I've been doing pretty well with them since I saw them in Vancouver, but... well... today's the day.  I'm going to be watching the broadcast and I know they will blow it out of the park.

I just don't want this to be happening, you know?  Not to Gordie.  Not to the band.  Not to Canada or even, not to me.  Who's going to tell us how to live and feel and breathe the air of this land?

It Helps

You know back in the day when you were learning how to do job interviews and they said "oh, if they ask you what your biggest flaw is, turn it into a good thing"?  I always used to say something about how organized I was.  Like whatever reverse psychology answer I'd give would always end up pointing out that I'm very organized.

Which I am.  And man oh man is that ever helping right now.

Because, yes, I am constantly thinking of things I need/want/am missing in my packing for the trip, but I am also super organized and that is making this SO much easier.  I mean, really... I have, for example, bins in my bins (small in large) and when I unpacked, I wrote on a piece of paper what went in each bin and now that I'm repacking I know that I have to fill this bin with socks (for example) or I left myself a stickie note that said "out of nasal spray" and then I put it onto a list on my phone so I picked it up at some point over the year and when I went to repack, I had nasal spray to put back into the "medical" bin that said I was missing nasal spray!

Now, for some people that might seem un-necessary, but man, is it ever nice to get down there and have that nasal spray (or whatever).  Sure, people camp or go to Burning Man with less and on a moment's notice or with a wing and a prayer, but I like my health and I like my comfort.  So one pair of socks isn't going to cut it.

Even right now, my place may look completely messy, but it's organized and I could survive leaving tomorrow with what I have.  (Not well, but I could.)

So my organizing helps.  A lot.  And I'm grateful for that.  And not in a reverse psychology kind of way!

It's just hard to be organizing the packing and to have the addition of the van situation on top. 

I'm very grateful that Jason's taking on the bulk of that planning and organizing and I'm more just of a gopher/helper... and I'm grateful that he has the knowledge I don't and that his brain works in this way because mine doesn't.  This isn't stuff I know, although I'm hoping I can learn... I just would have preferred not to be doing it last minute the week before I leave on my first ever solo road trip.  But hey...that's what's happening this year...

I said to Jason the other day... next year?  Next year I would like for there to be no last minute worries around Burning Man.  2013 it was me not knowing what on earth I was getting into and going with strangers and seeing Jay.  2014 it was Connor not having a ticket until two days before we were leaving.  Last year it was me not being sure about Max and the busy summer leading up to that and this year... it's.... the vehicle and the camp and the volunteering and the drive and the solo and the other life stuff I've been dealing with.  So next year?  I would prefer no last minute worries at all.  K?  Cool. Thanks!

Whimper

I would love a day off.

Just saying.

Jason says this is how contract work goes.  Or construction.  Or whatever it is he said, but I just want some actual down time.  Didn't get any this weekend because of pricing... or whatever you call it... shopping in construction type stores and buying stuff.  And then packing and sorting the rest of the day after being done with that.

Right now, if I look straight at my computer everything's fine.  But if I look to the right at all or straight ahead?  Disaster.  (That's overly dramatic... I'm just in mid-pack)  I have no peace right now and when I look ahead, I don't know that there will be any once I leave, and I won't expect there to be any once I'm on the road although I may be pleasantly surprised! That'd be lovely, although relaxing on the road is not the same as relaxing in your own space.

Speaking of... as I've been under this stress/strain, I've found myself thinking that this is why people camp in RVs.

Because as I putter around my kitchen, I think to myself, man, it'd be a lot less stressful to go to Burning Man if I could take my entire apartment there.

Yeah... that's an RV. 

I get it now I guess. You kind of take your home with you with those.

Aw crap... now I'm thinking about gas and the expense of the trip to come and that's bringing up a wave of anxiety because money and now I'm going to go breathe for a few minutes but man... I would love a day off where I don't have to do anything.  Last time I had one of those I was so stressed I didn't enjoy it as much as I'd enjoy it now.

Which makes sense to me even if I didn't type it right.

Uh

Ok, so this is a bit confusing because I'm writing when I can which means the last few posts were written... I dunno, over the weekend, but now I'm writing this on... Wednesday (or something?  late Tuesday??) but so... yeah... don't... you know, use these posts as a calendar or anything.  Because.  Not.  Hello?  Hi.  Ok.

So, Bob had hoped to get the van to us on Monday... which was a LOT later than we'd hoped (which, as you know, is already MUCH MUCH later than we'd wanted, etc., etc.) but when I messaged him on Tuesday to find out what was going on (texts are not so good at conveying actual information, especially with people who don't text much or don't like to text) he explained that he didn't actually have the van yet. 

Which.  OMG.

Turns out there's some sort of red tape bureaucratic thing of paperwork that's insurance related (so not Bob's fault, and a surprise to him, and he's going out of his way and out of his own pocket to try to deal with it... on the mainland to boot) and so... well... right now it's Wednesday and we're just *hoping* Bob can even get his hands on the van.  (Cross any and all paperwork type fingers you can.  Let's get that mojo working to cut through institutional red tape... or whatever it is, ok?)  So best case as of right now, it'll be some point today (Wed) that we get our hands on the van.  (Oh, and I try to see how I feel driving it!)  But... it may not be.

We have it booked for stuff on Friday so... well, you know... let's not go there, ok?

But... yeah... no van in hand yet.  Man.  (I just wanted to rhyme some more, sorry.)

If I pause to think about it?  Freakout.  If I pause to think about "worst case"?  Freakout.  So... like we've done the last five days... we shuttled from store to store and made appointments and bought supplies.  Like improved camping gear... and tools.  Jason did NOT approve of my little, inexpensive tool kit and is helping me put together a real one.  He says with all the things we bought yesterday I should "be able to fix anything in the van."  Which is cool.. except... I still don't know how!

Also... money stresses me out at the best of times... the idea of spending... and some of it "big"... is making me uncomfortable.  I need to be smart.  But I also want to make sure I'm doing things well.

My brother always said (as a not really related example) to buy the biggest amount of RAM you could afford when buying a new laptop.  I kind of feel that applies with a lot of things. 

Take a hammer, for example.  My tool kit had a hammer.  I've used it maybe twice.  Jason insisted I buy a "real" hammer.  (Those things are expensive!)  But he says that it makes such a difference to have an actual, weighted, well made hammer rather than a cheap one that doesn't actually do the job.  Now, I didn't buy the ultra top of the line, but I did buy a good mid range one that felt good when I swung it.. or whatever. 

Need anything hammered?  I might be able to help you.

(There!  I distracted myself enough from the real issue at hand to feel happy!  YAY!)

Wha?

So after the perfect storm that was the cold med anxiety disaster, things didn't actually slow down for me but I feel way way better.

Rather than the stress and anxiety overwhelming me to the point of freezing, I feel more like it comes in waves and I pause and breathe through the wave until I can get back to doing whatever it is I need to do in that moment.

Which... right now is... a lot!

There is a vehicle... a van... that now exists for me to take down to Burning Man.  Which is good.

I say "good" because there really wasn't a way to get all my gear into my car.  I love my car but she doesn't have much of a trunk (she doesn't mind, but I do a little when I'm trying to take people to the airport or am thinking about traveling to Burning Man!)  So having a van will give me enough space to not worry about that.  But.. it gives me other things to worry about.  Like being able to see out of it comfortably enough to drive it.

People tell me this won't be an issue but hey, "people" aren't me and I don't know... but again, that brings up the wave of anxiety so I'll just wait and see how it feels once I'm in it.  (I've limited my driving to a few hours a day so even if they're stressful hours, I should still have down time each day to recover, worst case.)

The other thing though (well, I'm sure there are MANY possible other things, but this is the one I'm choosing to focus on right now) is that this is an empty cargo van.  As in, not a conversion or camper type van.

Which... wasn't what we'd hoped for when we asked the friend to help find a camper conversion van for me to take down to Burning Man. 

Bob, let's call him, as I mentioned the other day, thought he had more time, so Bob's first priority for me this whole time of looking (which has been since early Spring) was to find a really solid, reliable van that would get me there and back safely. Which I REALLY really appreciate.  To quote Bob... he didn't want to "have to come down there and tow me back."  No, me neither. 

So he found a good, solid, conversion van (just fold down seats and lots of windows, no fridge or anything) in March or May (you know I always get those months confused!) and while he was running tests on them (you know, car tests?!) he kept finding things that weren't .... good.  Car... wise.  (He and Jason talked about it and Jason talked to me about it but I don't remember.  Cracks in the... manifold?  Uh... engine?  Bad.)  So that ended up being a lemon.  And then life and then "thought I had five more weeks"... nope.  So what he's ended up finding is just a basic van.  But by "basic" I mean solid and reliable and well maintained (and not terribly old I don't think... mid 2000s?) but nothing inside at all.  A work truck in a former life.

Now, Jason and I, MONTHS ago, had mulled over the idea of building a camper van from scratch.  I did a lot of reading and while it seemed fun, I just couldn't wrap my head around how and where it would all happen (I live in an apartment, he shares a place with a roommate... neither of us have tools.. etc. etc.) and decided I would rather just get a pre-done conversion van and maybe add some A/C unit or solar power or something to it.

Except then Bob just kept not... saying he'd found a van.  And I didn't want to bug him and Jason would check in with him now and then and the further time ticketed along, the more anxious, stressed, and worried I got about it.  Until it hit July.  And then I started freaking out.  A lot.  And Jason kept asking what I wanted to do and I kept saying I didn't know, because I'd already sent Bob money for the first van he found and didn't want to ask for it back and buy a used craigslist vehicle I didn't know anything about and the strain of not knowing what to do just kept getting worse and worse because I wanted to trust Bob (and Jason by extension) but .... this was not the type of timeline I work by.

I'd wanted to have the van by Summer so I could give it some camping test runs.  See what I might need or want and practice driving (and sleeping!) in it before my long drive.  Be comfortable.

And then it was August.  And I called him.  And he said "uh oh" and then still nothing.  Until Friday.

Friday I messaged him and he said he had a van. 

He was going to pick it up and bring it back to the Island on Monday.

Which set off another gigantic panic.  Because Jason wants to camper-ize it as much as possible before I leave.

In a week.

Except we're not getting our hands on the van until MAYBE Monday but probably Tuesday (er, today... I'm writing this on Sunday night... that's just how I roll, yo!) and to me.. there is NO WAY anything was getting done to make it more than a shell of a van in... four working days!?

But Jason insists.  Is insisting.  So I'm trying to trust.

I've told him as long as it's one step up from sleeping in my tent, I should be fine.  It will carry all my gear and my bike and water and food and coolers and (ok, I have to take a breath... geez...) and hopefully I'll feel comfortable driving it with some practice.. oh wait, when am I practicing driving it if Jason's working on it during the week OH MY LORD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!?!?!

Because, really... I do not do last minute things.  I just don't.  Well, ok, maybe I have written an essay or two last minute but that's different.  Big things?  No.  I don't like the stress of last minute pressure.  I know some people don't mind it and some people thrive on it, but I don't.  Stress doesn't push me in that way.  No likey!

So that's where things stand at the moment.  I have a van.  I do not know what it looks like or what shape it's in or how it will be to drive or what it will look like inside by the time I leave or anything. 

I have given Jason a budget.  He says he can stick to it.  I don't see how.

I have told Jason I don't want a crappy looking thing.  He says he can do it in this short amount of time.  I don't see how.

Because I have my bottom line of "safe to drive, can take all my gear, is kind of like a tent but hopefully a bit better?" anything above that should be a bonus and that's what I'm going with.  I have also told Jason that while he gets to rest once I leave, I have to rest this week so that I'm healthy, well, and calm enough to do the driving I need to do safely.  I am not going to stress myself and then feel awful for the drive.

So.... this is a massive practice in staying calm in what is actually a very stressful situation way outside of my comfort (and knowledge) zone.

This weekend was busy but good.  Jason and I drove around and "priced" things.  (Imagine doing a kitchen reno or something... Jason's the contractor... I'm the... uh... I dunno... but I'm doing this with him as much as possible.)  I also brought out all my bins, had a minor disaster explosion (you know the one... the mid organize disaster mess?) and then tidied and sorted and started to pack.  I have lists on top of lists and still feel I'm missing things but I'm also trying really hard to eat and sleep.

So if I don't get an hour a day to sit and post, you can understand why.  I am trying to pack for Burning Man (which is a massive endeavor in and of itself) while helping my friend turn a cargo van into something a little bit more like a camper van in the space of a few days.

While maintaining the rest of my life.  Oh, right, that!

And staying sane.  And healthy.  And rested. 

Yeah... this is ... well, really, it should be documented.  I hope I can do so.  Might just not be as it happens.

You know?

Ha, Ha! ... Oh....

I was lying in bed last night, a million things running through my head and I jokingly thought to myself "I should put up a post saying..... oh, sorry guys, you might not hear from me for a month!"  And I thought that was pretty funny until I realized it might actually be true.

Oh.

See, this coming week is apparently going to be madness (more on that later) and then I leave.  And then I'm there.  And then I travel back.  That's four weeks.  That's a month!  I will be away from the interwebs for possibly three weeks and am not thinking I'll have time to write and post in the one week left before I leave.  Dude.

So... yeah.  If I disappear... for a month... all is well, and I'll be back.

Hopefully I won't.  Or at least not for an entire month, but I'm just saying.  What was a vaguely amusing thought... might actually... you know... happen.

Huh.

Routes

Way back when... when things were more vague and not... you know, two weeks away (sigh) Jason helped me plan out an awesome, longer route down to Black Rock City.

He encouraged me to go along the Oregon coast (which always looks so beautiful) and so we planned a route that would take me a few extra days (a week of travel, rather than a weekend) but would limit the amount of driving I was doing (except for a couple of longer days.)

This made me... some sort of combination of nervous and maybe excited, but as time grew closer and I had my driving exhaustion, I started to wonder if it maybe wasn't such a good idea.

So I made a couple of other routes.  One, super simple and "easy" (no more than a few hours of driving a day) and one with a quick jaunt out to the coast of Oregon. 

I think, at this point, I'm most likely to be doing the simplest route.  But if I'm feeling up to it closer to the date, I may do the slightly longer (by a day, but not really necessarily) route.  We shall see.

I'm still hoping to not have to take my car and well, I won't talk more about that until I know one way or another.

It's a battle right now to get stuff done while maintaining... non-freakout... mode.  That was a terrible way to explain it.  I just mean, I'm SO worried about stuff.  But if I let myself think about it I go down a ... track that doesn't help anything and doesn't let me get anything done and exhausts me and keeps me from sleeping and eating and all that good stuff.

So... I'm trying to... just... you know.. like, not think about having to take my car until I'm for sure knowing...

Sigh.

Breathing.  Because... (swear word)

Ok... I'm going to go do something else now.  Just... I have a couple of routes for my trip down and I think I feel pretty good about the "easiest" of them.

The end.

So, What Is Happening With Burning Man

Well, I don't know, why are you asking me?  Oh.  Right.  Ok. Sorry.  Uh....

Yeah, I don't really know.

You were way out of the loop for a while there because I couldn't seem to get myself together enough to type about what was going on.  But back at the start of July, when I helped Jason out by driving the visitors around the island, I found it completely exhausting.  Like, it totally, utterly drained me.  And so considering this, I didn't see how it would be possible for me to make the road trip all the way down to Nevada.  Oh, and back.  Oh, and spend a week in the harsh desert environment.  At all.

I talked to myself a lot about it.  Sure, maybe I could physically do it, but I might be exhausted.  And unhappy.  And the more I thought about it, the less it seemed like something I actually wanted to do.  I cried a lot about it and was pretty upset.

I didn't want to go to Burning Man and I couldn't see a reason to go.  I kept saying... it's so hard.  Such a difficult week, and this year I won't have even a travel buddy with me... no Max, no Sarah, no Connor, nothing.  Just me, and all that goes along with that... where *would* I camp?  Could I connect with former neighbours and find them?  What if it went the same way as 2015 and they weren't all that findable?  What if I camped next to someone and ... I dunno.... it wasn't fun somehow?  Why?  Why was I thinking of doing this?  And then I'd have to drive home after too?  No way.  This is dumb.  I don't think I'm doing this.

And there was probably a month of this... maybe not.. maybe it was only a few weeks, but it felt like months, to be honest.  Things hadn't come together yet on whatever vehicle I was going to take, I wasn't able to see the people I'd met through Max, I was going to do a lot of driving to go to this very difficult place to be by myself and alone and then drive home to .... this.  This not awesome exhaustion and stress and this is stupid.

So I started to wonder about maybe not going this year.  At all.

I wasn't sure what that would look like.  Would I be disappointed come September?  Would I feel badly for the guy who rescued me by selling me his ticket (the answer is yes) but maybe it just wasn't in the cards.  I couldn't feel any motivation to go.

I started messaging people I knew where going.  "Hey, I'm not feeling up to it... help?"  And the first few people I messaged got back with... you know what?  Me neither... sorry.  It drains on you, you see... the prep, the event, the... everything... it's a lot.  And so not even the burners I reached out to for help were helpful.  "Nah, I'm not sure I want to go either, sorry."  Crap.

I didn't NOT want to go, but the whole idea didn't seem anywhere near fun.  Like, not even close.

And add to that trying to deal with life on top of it all and stay calm and .... everything?  Just too much.

That was my state for the last few weeks, leading up to about two weeks ago. Just.

I am somewhat active on a couple of Burning Man forums online, and will often strike up conversations, or have conversations ... uh... struken up with me.  (This is, after all, how I met Max... which I sometimes forget... the randomness of the internet and all.)  I'd been chatting a bit with one fellow (No!  Not another Max situation in any way, just chatting.)  when he mentioned that the group he volunteers with down at Burning Man was looking for more volunteers and might I be interested?

Well, yes, actually, I would.

It was a group I interacted with my first year and was very impressed by but was told (post event) that one couldn't volunteer with them without qualifications that I don't have.  But, my new friend told me that they needed non-qualified volunteers and that if I was interested, he'd put in a good word for me.

I asked him a bit about what was involved and then went straight online to apply.

He sent an email to the volunteer coordinator saying he thought I was a good fit (which was very kind of him, and a bit of a mind-mess for me... people who don't know me think I'm nice/cool/good?  woah...) and they took me on as a volunteer.  Yay!

Except, I had no idea what I was getting myself into!

Online courses to take (and pass!  WHILE DEALING WITH DEATH COLD!) and ID photos to upload (I don't have a photo of me I like enough nevermind one that would work as an ID photo, oh man!) and then there was the signing up of for shifts.  Hours worth of shifts?  Oh man... what... exactly had I done here?

Like I said when I half mentioned it the other week, it has been an absolute whirlwind.... and utterly overwhelming.  (Now, add onto that the sinus meds starting to get into my system and you see the perfect storm starting to form, eh?)

Oh man.  So I was (and still kind of am) mega stressed.

Because "positive stress" is still frigging stressful, man!

But... I also suddenly had a reason to go.

A reason to drive all that way... a reason to show up.  I'd committed myself to 18 plus hours of volunteer work with this crew.  Now I "had" to go!

Which felt good.  Better than not wanting to go.

But.... it also began a whirlwind of stress, because now there was a certain reality to deal with.

What.  Frigging.  Vehicle???? This, at the time of writing this, still hasn't been resolved, by the way.  Yes, I can take my car, but I'd rather she was kept clean, and she doesn't have the biggest trunk (ha... joke in there somewhere) and it would probably be more expensive of a drive down as I'd be likely to stay in hotels and they're... not cheap.  I called the guy who's been supposed to find me a van to take (I'm thinking I haven't kept you guys very up to date on this, sorry) and he... I guess, somehow thought he had five more weeks.  Uh.  No.  So he's "working on it" and I'm trying very very hard to be calm and trust... but... I'm stressed.  If I think about it, well, it just... I don't think about it.  But there have been a lot of tears and upset over this.

I still haven't figured out the route.  (Working on that this week)  There was a plan for me to take a few extra days and do a leisurely drive along the coast before cutting in, but now I'm thinking I just don't have the emotional energy for that and I'm looking at just a simple, but still hopefully leisurely drive without the coast thrown in.  Sigh.  Stress.

Oh, what else?  Right.  Camp.

Crap.

In talking to the fellow who'd help connect me with the volunteer opportunity, he asked me where I was camping.  "Not sure... boonies?" was my response.

He suggested that I camp near them (their camp was full) but that's always risky because the established camps can be near open camping but you never know how full open camping is and man, I'd be driving randomly trying to find a camp I didn't know and a person I didn't know and it would probably be just easier to not camp near them.  I don't know.  But then I started worrying about things (as I do...) like... oh, everything.  And blah, blah, blah long story a little bit shorter, out of nowhere, he said he'd ask his camp lead if they might be able to squeeze me in.

I didn't know how I felt about this, but it seemed.. sort of smart maybe?  And lo and behold, they found space for me and I paid camp dues and they sent me information to read and cleanup shifts to sign up for.

Sigh.

I've never been with a camp before, and one of the reasons is that I'm protective of my time.  Being with a camp involves (more) volutneer time.. maybe cooking, or cleaning or whatever the camp offers as their gift (running a bar or something) and well, that just never appealed to me particularly.  Plus... a group of people I don't know.  Ugh.

But I figured this was the year to try it.  Not that I worry about things happening to me out there, but I would be around people who could help if something went awry.  And there would be communal shade and, well, as for the rest, I would see what it was like to be in a camp.  And my new friend would be there (and hopefully we got along, oh man)

So, yeah.  Things are not settled.  I'm not feeling calm.  My anxiety is way ratcheted up (although better than when the cold meds had me in their grib) and I'm working really really hard on finding the balance between staying calm and getting things done.  Because often the process of getting things done stresses me which then tires me and then I need a break and things don't progress.

But I'm trying.  And it's rough.  But... the update is this:

It seems I'm going to Burning Man this year.  Driving by myself.  In a vehicle that is hopefully not my car but very safe and reliable that I can sleep in.  It sounds like I'll be camping with a camp and I have signed up to do volunteer shifts with a group (yes, I'm being vague about who/what...) and I am freaking the f*ck out about all of it.

More to come, I assume... as I find and/or make time for writing.

I highly doubt I'll have a series of blog posts pre-written for the time I'm away... I can barely get regular posts out.  Plus I am totally overwhelmed by trying to plan and prep and oh, right life.  Sigh.

It's rough in here right now you guys.  Send good vibes.... or whatever you've got.  I'll take em all.

You, WHAT?

Apropos of nothing, really, but I've been half distracting myself, half keeping myself company, half not really doing Math right now all that well, by watching old reality tv shows online.

And by "old" I mean 2009.  So, like oh my god ancient for reals! 

Ahem.

I don't think I watched the show when it originally aired, but I have watched it before and I'm only watching it again because it's nothing I have to pay attention to and, well it's free and there's not a lot else on right now.

But.  And it's a big but (I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CAN NOT LIE!... sorry... ahem...) .... I can't even pretend it's not completely fake anymore.  Sigh.

I remember watching it and feeling like a fair amount of it was staged "So, Emily, how are things going with Dan after your big fight at the party the other night?" and such, but this time watching it?  I can see the editing cuts and how it is pretty much totally, completely, utterly put together.  Not even a semblance of real!  Le SIGH!

No, it's just interesting to see how I'm noticing things I didn't the first time.  The show is completely manufactured and it's easy to spot.

I still think it would be interesting to be involved in one of those shows though, just to see how much is cut and changed and taken out of context, etc., etc.

Well, That Wasn't Fun

Ok, so if you remember, I whined about having a cold last week.  I got quite sick two Fridays ago and then it "mellowed" into just a nasty cold.  Wasn't fun. 

A few days into said nasty cold, I started taking cold meds.  The "sinus" kind, because that was my most annoying symptom... sneeze, sneeze, sniffle, cough, exhaustion, sniffle... sigh.

They weren't working all that well and I mentioned that to C-Dawg who recommended a particular brand, so I snuffled off to the store and bought some.

All week, I've been getting more and more stressed.  Which is not unexpected with everything that's going on.  But by Friday I was a mess.  Absolutely losing it.  It was awful.  But I went to bed, hoping a good night's sleep would get rid of the stress and cold and I'd feel better.

Woke up Saturday morning still feeling stressed and sick so popped a couple of the new sinus meds.

I don't even know if they helped because I had the worst day I've had in a long long time.  It was awful.

Nothing I was doing was making me feel any less anxious.  Not even concrete things. I couldn't even make lists because the very act of thinking about making a list would overwhelm me and land me to uncontrollable anxiety. 

I called Jason and went to see him.  We were going to wash his car and I figured the activity would help distract me, which it did, a bit, but once we were done and sat down for a while I lost it again, completely.  And on top of all that I was still sick!.... wait....

I looked at him.  It had just occurred to me....

Was it possible that the extreme, un-controllable panic I was fighting off was being fueled by the cold meds?  I mean, yes, I have a lot going on, I am stressed, I have problems with anxiety right now but this?  This was beyond that.  So far beyond that.  I was shaking.  Unable to calm myself at all.  For a moment here or there, but then it would all come rushing back.  Jason and I went out for a drink.  Yes.. to self medicate... it was worth a shot at this point, to be honest, and I lost it in the restaurant just even trying to explain to him all the areas I was stressed about.  And I am almost always able to keep myself together in public.  Not this time. 

Which, to be honest, made me feel better.  Because if this level of freaking out and feeling this horrific wasn't me?  Was the pseudo.. whatever ephedrine whatnot that had been in my system for a week and then was amplified by the new "extra strength" brand that morning?  Well, you know what?  That would end.  No more cold meds for me.

I, ironically maybe, felt better sinus-wise when I woke up Sunday morning not having taken anything, so am hoping the cold is on its way out now.  My anxiety is still not good and still difficult to manage, but nothing like what it was on Saturday.  That was brutal.

I know there are warnings about using these things, but to actually experience that kind of a reaction first hand was bad.  I'm pretty gun shy now.  Or maybe will just make sure I don't take them for more than a few days in a row.  But you guys?  That was not fun.  At all.  It was like the worst ever moments of my worst ever panic attacks for eight hours straight.  And I was STILL trying to function on top of it all.

Damn.

Bad cold medication, bad!  Go to the corner and stay there and think about what you've done!

Phew.  Glad to be through it.

I. AM. NOT. A. ROBOT. *clunk*

Hey, how long has the captcha thing been asking you to pic images?  Or is that just me?  Am I really a robot and just finding out now?

Sigh.

Sniff

Somehow forgot to mention the cold/flu/bug I picked up on Friday.

It's still hanging out.  Guess it figures I need company.

I... would rather we parted ways.

Huh

I've been having a really really hard time the last few weeks with my situation around Burning Man. 

So much so that I wasn't able to talk about it, but was putting together a post explaining how I wasn't sure I was going to go.

I still should probably write that post, but over the last four or five days there has been a sudden, unexpected shift that is seeing me volunteering with a group in the city I didn't know I could work with.

So... yeah.

In the middle of the whirlwind of sorting it out so more later.

Or sooner.

I don't know anymore right now even.

And yes, that dog is famous now.  Locally so.

Go figure.

Surprise Holiday!

And Happy August! (Long weekend!)

I swear, this one always sneaks up on me.  (I probably said that last year too... I'm not even going to search for it because I'm pretty sure I did!)