The Light

I think many of us here have been holding our breath waiting for forest fire smoke to hit us.  We've had some bad summers of it and are expecting to have to deal with it this summer too as the heat we've had all up and down this coast makes for prime fire season.  Sigh.

Yesterday the light had that familiar orange tinge, but just... gently.  The air quality indexes said there was little to no issue but you could see it in the light.  Smoke particles high up in the air.

The light sets of a series of memories for me, most notably Burning Man related.  Because, yes, it is that time of year - it may always be "that time of year" in August, especially if I stay connected to my Burning Man friends... 

No, it's not happening this year but some folks will go to the desert and camp and make do.  I will not.  Most (all?) of my friends will not, but some will.

But that's not the point.  The point is that for us, this light generally only occurs in Summer.  And I've had a few travel years where this light accompanied us on the trip and a year or two on playa with smokey air and this tinted light.  Memories are a funny thing and at this time of year there are a lot of my senses that get triggered and make me think of Black Rock City.  Smells, sights, and apparently the yellow orange haze of forest fire smoke high up in the air.

Even though the AQI says things are fine, I've been running my (new!) air purifier.  It's why I bought it after all and I have fan noise going anyway so a little extra noise that also cleans my air?  Sure, why not!

Anyway.  It's August.  Happy August.  Stay well... in all ways.

Comparision...ing.

Looking back on the heat dome heat wave we had a few weeks back I can see some of the known differences that made it so hard and unbearable.

One of the big ones, and yes they did mention this ("they" being the weather folks) was that the evenings didn't cool down.  Well sure, they technically were cooler than the days but they weren't "nighttime" cool.  Like tonight, it's supposed to be quite warm, 16 C, so it'll be a warm night.  But when we were in the heat dome nights were in the twenties.  The nights were as hot as some of the days we've had recently.  That, I think, made it even harder.

And for me, a big one with this little "heat warning" thing right now is that this one I can see it's only supposed to be a couple of days.  Sure, that might change, temperature forecasts might go up but right now it looks like today will be pretty warm, but then tomorrow will be just... "summer warm", you know?

I dunno.  But for me a huge part of the panics I kept having was not seeing any relief in sight.  Not knowing when it might end or improve.  And also knowing there were still two or three months of Summer and potentially "this hot again" weather to come.  That was really hard for me.

This time, although I hated hated hated the heat dome, I know I "made it" through and if we have one again in the next couple of months, I can most likely cope.  Not well.  Not without lingering consequences (my sleep schedule was blown for nearly a month) but it's not June anymore.  It's actually practically August and that means cooler temps are within reach.  September/October.  They're a little closer now, you know?

I may not have A/C this Summer, but I am most likely going to keep researching and saving and probably getting some before next Summer.  I am doing the best I can to manage the heat in my apartment with a few things I learned during the bad days.  And worst case, Jason says we can throw up a tent in his back yard if need be.  Because man oh man do I ever need my sleep.  I know not everyone does but I am so incredibly affected by poor/no sleep these days.

Like do you remember I casually mentioned not sleeping very well the other night?  Yeah.  It was bad.  But what was worse was my awful, really really awful mood the next day.  I had tea, I went for a walk.  I still wanted to hurt "humans".  (You know, a non-specific anger that makes you feel like you want to punch someone even though you've never punched anyone and are pretty sure you'd hurt yourself more than them?)  Yeah, I was miserable.

Last night?  Sleep.  Blissful, much needed sleep.  And my mood is night and day different.  Wow.

So yeah, it's interesting to notice the differences between that horrible heat dome heat wave and this far more normal heat wave. 

Well.....

So we have a 'special weather statement' saying that temperatures will be 5 or so degrees higher than... what, usual?  Normal?  Last week?  

Anyway.  It apparently won't be as awful as the heat dome we went through, it's just going to be, you know... warm.

I had a rough sleep last night and I'm trying not to blame it on the heat but... well, you know.

So just a few days here.  Hopefully not hotter than 30, which is doable if uncomfortable.  And way way better than 40 so... counting my blessings, even if sleep may be hard to come by and all those heat complaint issues.

Bring Bring

Ok, the phone optic nerve wire cable not copper fibre you what now? phone thing has come and gone and like most things that my anxiety gives me H E double hockey sticks about it was fine.  

I knew it would be once the technician arrived, they're always good and in my experience friendly, so it wasn't so much that part (although of course there's some concern these days with Covid, but we were all masked up) it was more the not knowing and the waiting?  I'm honestly not sure why it was SUCH a seriously awful stress for me.  Really.

They called to let me know they were on the way (within the arrival window period of time) and once they got here I was able to ask the one or two questions I had but honestly they (of course) were thinking of that too.

I'm glad I had talked to you guys and Jason and C-Dawg about it (she has it at her place and Jason knows about these sorts of things way more than I do) so I had some idea of what was going on. 

I ended up kind of ripping apart my living room to find an outlet (electrical) and then he ended up bringing in a power bar anyway (I will most likely upgrade to a "better" one... actually it's on my to do list to do that with all of my stuff.)  I asked about a battery pack and they weren't going to put one in but did since I asked so that's a good thing I was able to remember (thanks brain!)  I just assumed it would happen but he said usually they only do it if the customer requests it.  (Sure, we might not lose power here much... knock on wood! but still.. it's all the "what if" times I'm trying to cover, you know?)

So they ran this little tiny wire from... their installation point? (done a few months earlier for my whole building) and along my ceiling and stuff and really it's so thin you can't notice it unless you're looking for it (yay for light coloured walls I guess?)

Some changes for me include no phone in my bedroom anymore.  I'll probably buy a second cordless headset.  Not that I talk on the phone in bed a lot but there are times a call comes in when I'm in bed and, well yeah.  (That reminds me to look into how many rings until my voice mail kicks in... hmmm.)

The place that USED to be where my phone plugged in is now ONLY for the door buzzer and luckily I have an "old fashioned" non cordless, not plugged in phone that I'll use for that but that's an adjustment for me.  Up until now if someone buzzed the door thing it rang on my phone.  Now I'll have to get up and go to the hallway to get to the buzzer.  Again, not a huge inconvenience but a change.  And I'll have to get someone to come test it as I'm not sure what that phone sounds like.  I'm pretty sure it's loud as I've had its ringer turned off for... years?

So yeah, some things to adjust to for me phone wise and now my phone isn't copper wire it's some sort of electric magic that I don't understand (not that I really understood copper wire either to be honest...)

So my apartment got a little extra cleaning as I moved things back once they left and over the next while I'll figure out the phone system and all that jazz and, so yeah.  Change has happened.  The people doing the work were good and nice and I would really have preferred my system/brain/whatever had not had me losing my BLEEP for over a week about this.  Le sigh.

Golly Gee, I Wonder Why!

Wakes up in a neutral mood Sunday morning.

Spends the next two hours online.

In FOUL mood by mid morning.  Like, hating everything, and most everyone rotten mood.

Good gosh, I wonder what on earth the correlation could be? *shocked face*

Sigh.

Screwed... Again!

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because I'm human but a few days ago I noticed my right front tire looked a little flat.  But often it's not flat it's just the angle so I thought to myself "I should check the pressure" and then I didn't and I guess I forgot.

Well, yesterday I got out from driving and for whatever reason looked down at the tire and, uh, yeah, pretty sure that's not just the angle.

So then the anxiety kicks in.

I call Jason (my "car" friend)... uh.... tire is flat?  But like not bad flat?  And I drove on it????

He said he'd come over, I said no, I have a pump thing and a gauge thing but damn you guys the anxiety had me pretty much at a panic attack.  IT SUCKS.

So I got out my gauge and it wouldn't even register.  (I also hate using the thing, UGH) and then I went into my apartment (still all panicky) and got my... whatever it's called "blow up tire" machine thing that I purposely bought just for this kind of thing and I made sure I read the instructions and Jason told me to make sure I had the engine on so I didn't kill the battery and while freaking out, I filled the tire and then the machine gauge said one thing and my manual gauge said another and so I put more air in and then I accidentally bashed my head against the door frame of my car getting in and out and that REALLY hurt and then I called the tire place and I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping since I've probably driven on this for a few days now (SINCE IT LOOKED FLATTER AND I DIDN'T CHECK IT UGH) it should be ok to carefully drive it there.  Oh, by the way, I NOTICED THE NOT FULLY OK TIRE AFTER DRIVING AROUND OMG WHY????

This, by the way, is the third screw I've gotten in a tire since I got these new tires a few years ago.  I have NO idea where I'm picking them up, but I have been driving "through" construction near where I live for, what, close to two years now?  I have no idea if road construction uses screws but seriously, where do these things come from and WHY????

So yeah, everything seems ok (as in I don't think I ruined my rim, it wasn't THAT flat) and hopefully everything works out tomorrow and like man having the anxiety kick in like that is so not helpful.  And this was bad.  

I called Jason to calm myself down after I'd dealt with it and I said to him "good for me for noticing.  good for me having the machine and gauge.  good for me remembering the name of the place to call them. good for me doing the call and being polite and friendly.  good for me managing this." And that's what I'll try to focus on.  I did it.  I handled it.  Nothing went "bad" or very wrong and it's probably going to be fine.

I've had two patches in I think different tires and the guy said they're allowed three patches per tires so I shouldn't have to buy new tire(s) but yeah... screwed again man!  I'm pretty sure I made that joke the last time I called them so I just kept it to myself this time. (hardy har har though, come on!)

ARGH

I am (at the time of writing this... so it'll probably change by the time this posts) SUPER stressed.  Like anxious stressed and I'm not 100% sure why?

I have some potentially frustrating things going on... ok, wait, there's me doing that "remain anonymous in blog" thing so let's back up.

My phone provider (rhymes with Smelus) has informed me (us?) that they will no longer be supporting copper wires in our area.  So our building has been, what, installed? with their fibre whatever and now they want me to switch over my land line.

Well, I don't WANT a non copper wire land line.  But it seems within a matter of months that choice will be removed from me.  Although, to be fair to me, no one has given me solid answers or solid explanations yet just "no longer supporting copper wires" and "your service may be disrupted if you don't change".

Sigh.

So I've TRIED to get info with little success and have booked an appointment for them to come do... whatever.  They're apparently going to call me to talk it through first (the technician I mean) but hey, remember what I babbled about the other day?  Lack of plugs?  Yeah, my place has no free/spare plug near the ONE solitary phone plug thing so.... now what?  And also what about my door buzzer?  Like this stuff really really stresses me out and gets my anxiety going.

And if I'm not in a decent space (which I'm not right now) I will get mad at myself for not being able to handle it "better".  And that self-mad doesn't help anything at ALL.

So I'm super stressed, possibly mainly (?) by this Smelus change thing and I do not want to have to deal with it and I'm actually super sad and upset that I HAVE to change.  And I am apparently one of those old people who doesn't adapt to new technologies but I have reasons for that.  (I wanted a "regular" land line so that my phone would be more likely to work in an emergency situation.... sure, I get that you'll put in a batter that has X number of hours of talk time on it but that's not the same and not a guarantee and I've never wanted to have to deal with this.)

I keep complaining to my counsellor types lately that I feel SO less capable of dealing with things.  Like just... it's incredibly difficult to compare me right now to me how I know I used to be and having things like this throw me off to such an extent.  It sucks.

But yeah, I really really don't want to be dealing with this, but I chose to rather than putting it off.  Sigh.

Will see how the pre-call goes, cuz I have lots of reservations (and need answers.)

Image

I don't like my body.

And before you get mad at me or feel some sort of way about me for saying that, know that that's an improvement on me hating, like flat out hating my body.  So, yeah... not a fan of my body and specifically I suppose I should say that I mean its shape.

I don't like the way my body looks and I never have and now I'm kind of angry about that.

I don't think I thought much about my body as a kid, certainly not what it looked like (as far as I can remember.) But I think many of us hit those teenage years and start to deal with the changes that come with puberty and age and, well... that, for me, is when the hate started.

I'm sure I've talked about it before, but puberty brought me acne (which kids are not nice about and which gave me massive insecurity - I knew I was ugly because of it) and then the combo of puberty and an injury (which stopped me from dancing/exercising for a long span of time) brought me large breasts fairly suddenly and they weren't something I wanted (you really can't dance the same with them, your whole center of balance is different, nevermind the weight and look of them) and I hated them and felt fat.

If you're not a large breasted person, you may not know that most clothing isn't fitted for them and so when you look down or in a mirror at yourself the tshirt or sweater most often falls straight down from the largest part of the breast and that, my friends, looks "fat".  Certainly to an already insecure teenager/girl.  Shirts (with buttons) don't fit either - they tend to pull and gape at the breast, and that again, can tell your brain that you're too fat for clothes.

Unfortunately my well meaning mother also said some things around that time and in later years that reinforced the fat narrative (I've since talked to her about it, and she's apologized and tried to explain what she meant but at no point in my life have I been obese and no one should have told me I was and that's just that.)

So all through my youth (teens, twenties) I hated hated hated my body.  I was fat (in my view.)  And this was the time when you wouldn't necessarily talk to anyone about this but if you did they'd probably say "yeah, me too".

And of course I compared myself to everyone else in high school and they were taller, prettier, omg so much prettier, had clear skin, wore clothes well, etc etc etc.  I hated my body, I hated my face, I hated myself.

It's taken a lot of time and work and re-evaluating to not hate how I look but I still struggle with it some days.  When I'm really really low, Jason will often hear me say that I'm fat and old and ugly.  If he gets frustrated with this he keeps it to himself and he either ignores me or assures me that's not true and not correct and just in my mind.  (Which, when I'm low, I brush off as lies... sigh.)

Lately, I'm struggling with my body and feeling terribly sad that I missed out on being young and pretty.  Because I think I was.  I can look at old photos and objectively see that I wasn't fat, or anywhere near fat.  And by my 20s I seemed to have figured out how to work with the breasts a little bit better so even they didn't do what I thought they did...  I looked good.  And I had no idea.  So it's like I never got to enjoy that.  I never got to be secure in my looks at a time when you are most wanted by the world.  I will never get that back.  I will never be 20 and confident.  Or 30.  Or possibly even 40.... 50?

I hate that.  I hate hate hate that I have hated myself and not seen myself neutrally if not positively.

Even now if someone tells me I'm pretty or something along those lines I think they're lying.  (Lying is oversimplifying but catches the drift of it.)

Some days I can see it.  I can look in the mirror and think "I'm kind of pretty!"  or something like that that would be too embarrassing to type out loud. Other days I look in the mirror and I'm a hideous gargoyle that should never be seen in the light of day omg why do I look so awful?

But also that's just how it goes sometimes.   I've stared following a couple of people online who purposely show themselves not looking great.  Who show how "influencers" pose and compare that to the reality.  They make funny faces and post without makeup and with bug bites and looking "bad" and I appreciate that very much.

But I can't get my age back.  I can't get youth back.  And I haven't yet found a way to turn into a confident person who likes how they look.  

And I'm not thrilled with the shape of my body right now.  Some days I tell myself it's fine - that my body has put on "middle age" weight (just like I saw my Mom do) and it's fine because that's the next phase... a thickening, just as mother nature wants it.  And there is a truth to that.

But I also have not taken the best physical care of my body these last chunk of years.  I was working with a personal trainer for a while but that was expensive (damnit) and then I had nearly four years of shoulders that wouldn't work and I was just getting into swimming and trying again and.... pandemic.

Crap.

Yes I have my bare minimum 20 (more like 40) minutes a day of "walking" but it's not honestly super sustained cardio.  But I'm not punishing myself by saying that's not good enough.

And my diet is crappier than it needs to be.  I've been watching my sugar yes, but not my carbs (which is sugar by a different name) and sure people say "oh, it's lockdown weight, we all did it!" but it's not so much the weight (I'm keeping it off, just not reducing), it's the... flab?  The looseness?  The floppy?  It's seeing the parts of me that were never fat have fat.

And seeing my skin age, and more fat under that skin and holy crap I really don't like my body when I start looking at it.

And that makes me mad.  Because if I'm looking back on my 20s and realizing I was attractive and didn't see it, then how much am I going to hate looking back at now and realizing I didn't see it.  UGH.

So... I'm saying I don't like my body and I don't like that I don't like my body and I'm trying but also pandemic and anxiety and life and motivation and they keep telling me to accept how things are?  So, yeah.. I'm overweight.  Not sure I'll ever be normal BMI again?  I also am not seeing myself neutrally or positively, I see myself very negatively and probably I'm quite wrong.

But I also am trying.  And there has been change.  I think "I look good" more days than I used to.  And I can look at photos from a few (less than ten?) years ago and not hate them anymore.  

A few years ago, I gave myself a selfie challenge.  It was purposely to work on some of this stuff.  I tried to take a flattering (to me) selfie every day for a month.  I think it helped.  When I look at them now I complain "oh that was years ago and I've aged SO much and" blah blah blah so... maybe I should do it again?  

I'm sorry (to myself) that I had bad skin.  I'm sorry that my breasts grew so suddenly so large.  I'm sorry that I didn't and don't appreciate what I have.  I'm sorry that I've ever thought I was fat.  I'm sorry I don't see my own beauty.  I'm sorry I can't see what others see.  I'm sorry.

My Bad

You know that chorus/line from that Radiohead song "you do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts"?  Yeah.  That.

See, I ate three bagels on Sunday.

"Wait, Victoria, I thought you weren't supposed to eat gluten?"

Yeah, I'm not.  And I ate three bagels.  Sigh.

I could blame Jason I suppose as during the heat wave when I had to go stay at his place he bought us bagels and I'd forgotten how much I loved them pre-gluten discovery and, well I've bought them every week since.  UGH.

I know better, but the "excuse" I seem to use with myself is that I have a lot of difficult things going on right now and this is some form of comfort.

But then I'm lying in bed Sunday night with my stomach hurting.  And like not intense pain, but enough that I wake up with it a few times and I know it's the bagels.  The gluten.

But I also know I have three left and I'm going to want to eat them.  I just know this.

Which means.... yeah, I do it to myself, I do... and that's what really hurts.

Sigh.

Ugh.

The Lines

I sat here yesterday thinking and thinking about writing.  Blogging, really.  But it's just a version of writing that technically is public, so, writing. 

I was mulling over the fact that writing seems to help me.  As in, help me process.  Or think things through, or however you want to put it.  And yes I journal or write in a diary every night.  Often just a summary of the day or random thoughts - it's not a "Dear Diary" kind of thing for me but the point of it is I do write every day.  And for a while I was doing "daily pages" from the book The Artist's Way.  I did that for a few months, and it helped.  But then it felt like it didn't because I was getting all my worries out on paper first thing in the morning and then having to go off to volunteer all upset and thinking about the worries and so I stopped.  Have done it a few times here and there, but not consistently again.  Even though it sort of helped... for a while?

Talking helps me too, but right now I don't have many people to talk talk to and one of them's someone I pay (aka a counsellor) and I feel like I should be dealing with stuff while I'm there rather than just babble talking so, you know... back to writing.

I hold back a lot here.  In large part because of the public thing.  And sure, I could make the blog less public, but I mean it's not like I have a huge audience anyway.... not that it's about that.  I think it's more about not wanting to be seen and known, not truly.  It's some version of a fear of rejection or not being liked.  It's a lot of things I'm sure, but the thought I came to yesterday was like... what if I tried to really just write.  To get more things up and out.  To be more honest, even with myself, about things.  To try not to protect and hide so much.  (And by protecting I don't just mean me, I mean those in my life who didn't sign up to be written about, you know?)

But what if I just wrote more and worried less about it being read.  "Well then," the logical voice would say "just write it privately, for yourself, on paper."

Well, right, yes, except I have a blog.  This is it here.... and sometimes when I post something it helps someone else.  Or someone responds in a way that helps me (or supports me or uplifts me or challenges me, or sometimes upsets me.)  Sometimes putting things "out there" is a way to connect and help.  So maybe if I say X Y Z someone random will read the post and think ok wow, I X Y Z too and I'm not alone and I feel better now.  Or maybe someone will read it and think holy smokes I'm so glad I don't have to X Y Z, yikes!

Or honestly, maybe not.  Maybe people just read and shrug and move on.  But for me, I feel connected to the folks I've "met" online, even when I've never really met them.  I've watched kids I'll likely never meet grow up.  I've been delighted to hear about weddings of people across the country or world.  Maybe I stay on and with this platform for me. 

So maybe I'll try, for a while, to just write.  To just let it all out.  To not stop myself when I'm hating everything, because usually I can't write because I am trying to not put that negativity "out there."  But maybe I need to.  For me.  I don't know.  But maybe I'll try.  Warts and all.

We Change. Or At Least I Do.

A jet just flew past.  Part of a thing, you know... a thing.

And while there's a small part of me that goes "cool" (like I used to when I was younger), the bigger part of me goes "thank goodness I don't live somewhere where this is common" (like some of the US towns I've driven through.)  And another part of me that has less than positive thoughts about jets and things...

But yeah, glad (again) to live where I do for many reasons.

Weird Problems In Old Buildings

I have to assume it's the age of the building I live in, or maybe it's just something I never had to pay attention to before but I do NOT have enough plugs in my place.  

Like, electrical plugs.

I mentioned that I am financing an air purifier (that I hope to not NEED! knock on wood) and I went to plug it in and realized that all the plugs in my "living room" (the only room I really have other than kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and ... "hall"), all of them have multiple things plugged in and that's probably not good.

Like electricity wise.

I don't have a lot of things, in my opinion, but there are only so many outlets (three) and I have more things that need power than that.

They don't all run at once, at least not that I can think of.  And I suppose once Summer is over I will unplug some fans and that will open up a spot or two but still... I feel really damn limited by the lack of outlets in this place.

And I feel like I should probably buy better power bars or whatever thingies than I currently (ha, electricity joke) have, but I don't know?

Sigh.

Electricity is something I'm actually pretty afraid of in terms of when it goes bad it's bad and scary.

So, yeah... all my plugs are quite possibly overloaded and I don't know of anything I can do about that...

Variations On A Theme

I had a version of a dream I haven't had in a while, but that has come and gone in my life over the years.

The dream's issue is that 911 is "not working" and in the dream I need it.

Used to be that I'd call and get a busy signal or something like that but this time it was a weird different version... I dialed nine one one and got some other random animal information system.  Like 911 had been given away to some other organization and they were giving out animal facts?

So of course (in the dream) I called back just in case but nope, 911 was no longer a thing.  And so I had to try to figure out (and quickly of course because someone needed an ambulance) what number to call and no one has actual phone books anymore and I can't remember if I tried to search on my cell phone or what but eventually we realized I'd have to drive the person myself rather than trying to call for an ambulance.

I can analyze the dream I suppose... wanting or needing help and feeling like there isn't any... stress in my life, you know, that kind of thing.  I just don't remember the last time I had a "broken 911" dream so that's the interesting part to me.  And what was unusual is that usually when I dream try to call it's ME who needs them, and this time it was for someone else.  And no, not someone I'm particularly close to or anything.

Go figure.

Effort

I'm trying to have something to say but I don't have anything to say.

That heat episode we had took way more out of me than I ever imagined it would and I'm still just starting to recover.  If "recover" is the right word.  I've managed to feel like I'm rested again and my sleep pattern is back to pretty much normal.  But my energy level is not.

As I mentioned last week, I was completely, utterly drained and now I'm feeling physically better but totally unmotivated to... I dunno, do things that I should do?

Like I'll go into my bathroom and see the dust and know I'd like it better if I just went and swept/dusted but I don't. 

I was super proud of myself yesterday because I got laundry done.  No, seriously.  And I partly got laundry done because I was running out of things to wear.  Like socks.  And shirts.  Lightweight ones anyway and hey, ha ha ha it's still Summer so you kind of need those!

C-Dawg has some stuff going on that's devastating for her and I'm stressed for her and feeling helpless and useless.  Family and some friends want to hang out and I'm not sure I'm up for that... I mean we've all had at least one shot if not two but still... plus, what, a year and a half of not seeing anyone?  Plus just like, exhaustion and stress and social anxiety bullshit and, well, I both don't want to do anything and am not sure I have the energy to do anything but I also don't want to be a complete hermit but ugh, and blah.

So I don't have a whole lot to blog about and no real thoughts swirling through my head other than "how hot might it end up being today" and "I should eat better" and "I should go for a walk" and other things that are less pleasant and don't need publicizing.

And sure, this "tiredness" could also be depression or a version of it, I'm aware of that, but whatever the reason, it is not... enjoyable.  Nor is the noise my head makes about it and the "shoulds" it believes I need to fulfill.

Sigh.

"The only way out is through" or something like that so I'll keep trying and "this too shall pass" and all, right?  Right.  Sure.

The Aftermath (Of Sorts)

I still haven't really recovered fully from the heat dome heat stupid wave thing of the other week.

Part of that is knowing it's Summer and temps, well they're hot in Summer.  And part of that is how bad it was and how hard it was to get through.

Some of the things I haven't talked about yet are the weird 'around the house' heat related issues I discovered once I got home.

Like, a minor one, but I had an Aero bar in the cupboard (that I totally forgot about yay me) and I went to have it this weekend and it had obviously melted or something and now had a completely different texture.  For anyone who knows, it was now like a Flake.  And looked and felt totally different.

And the face plate of the new modem I got sent by my internet provider fell off.  In the box, before I got to it (because I was at Jason's) it fell off, like the glue melted in the heat.  And did I mention my blinds warped?  Yeah.

And then there was my soap/shampoo containers.  The ones with pumps?  They all "not exploded".  As in, there wasn't an explosion but something happened and soap/shampoo/whatever leaked out of them.  

I'm sure there are other things that melted that I just haven't discovered yet, and can I just say I'm really proud I had the presence of mind to give my plants some extra water?  THEY LIVED!  

I have completely blown my budget too with some panicked "must stay fed" purchases and now a purchase of an air purifier (which I was able to finance which feels weird) and the ordering of an air conditioning unit which I feel really weird about.  (After what we went through, I'd rather have it and not use it than wish again that I'd gotten it so... it is what it is.)

Most people I know weren't happy during that chunk of time and right now there's another "heat dome" sort of thing that's hopefully skipping our province but is on our coast again and I think most of the people I've talked to are waking up to the fact that this may be the horrific "new normal" of weather we've allowed to happen and that steps need to be taken.  Not only to secure the future of our planet and climate, but also personal steps for personal health and wellness as this is not likely to be a "one off."

This was, without exaggeration, a deadly heat event.  Hundreds of deaths happened in BC alone that are attributable to the heat.  And that's just human.  The wildlife and especially sea life deaths are literally uncountable.  Somehow my brain didn't consider sea creatures getting fried.  And damn... this isn't ok, you know?

I do think I've probably caught up on sleep now, and my sleep schedule is back to normal - the cool nights help a lot with that I'm sure.  And sure, my body has adjusted somewhat and what might have been "warm" a month ago is now "nice".  And I have been giddy getting into bed the last few nights and feeling "cold", honestly, giddy and smiling and happy to feel that.  There has been a breeze and man oh man it is amazing.

I mean it's still Summer, there's still sun and no rain and UV rays and heat, but that was just beyond miserable and I am so grateful I had somewhere to go, even if it was only a few degrees cooler.

A Wow

I slept with my comforter up last night!  I am so excited by this!

We're having a temperature break today and I am all about it and going to do my best to revel in it while it's here, phew.

No Idea!

Well, I can not figure out the partial dream I had last night so.... you know, brains, man!

See in the dream it was finally ok (like really actually ok as in Covid just disappeared completely kind of ok) to be out and about again so I went to "James Bay" (it wasn't James Bay, it was this place that I seem to go in some dreams that is more like an old English town than anything here) and was out and about window shopping with my Mom and we stopped in a place to eat (that reminded me of a place I went in the Seattle Public Market a few years ago). And I was posting memes on my phone while my Mom went to the bathroom and a few people sat at the table next to us (close tables) and one of them was a Russian woman (because of her accent? and because you know things in dreams?) and she told me to put my phone away or she'd punch me in the face.

Well, in the dream this pissed me off and so I told her I only had a couple more things to do and she was like no, now, and I thought about getting in a physical fight with her but even dream me knew it wasn't something that would end well so I just put my phone away but I was mad and I thought about making a scene somehow (no idea) but instead at the "end" of the dream I was pretending to be happy (and socializing?) with the Russian lady who'd been about to beat me up and so yeah that was weird.

In Case You Were Wondering

My big goal for this afternoon is the same as it was for yesterday afternoon:  Do not nap.

I have been so exhausted that a nap has felt necessary but then I'm not able to fall asleep at night and so I pushed myself to NOT nap yesterday and the falling asleep was a little better so here I am trying to do the same.  NO NAP, me, NO!

Sigh.

(I know it's for the best but still...)

(The only time I can nap and still sleep anymore is when I'm legit sick, not just tired.  Sigh.)

(I miss naps.  I think.  Probably because I "can't" have one right now.)

How Am I?

How am I post second Covid vaccination?

I don't know.

I mean I know how I feel, but I genuinely don't know if it's from the shot or from life.

Ok, my arm hurts, that's from the shot (duh), but I'm also feeling pretty tired.  BUT, I didn't sleep much (or at all) for a week with the heat so I think I'm honestly just tired from the lack of sleep and stress.  I was tired and drained all last week too but there was also the stress and adrenaline of trying to deal with the heat and my body's (and mind's) reaction to it... so the tired isn't new post vaccine.

I'm also warm (ha!) but I've been warm for two weeks now so probably just the heat, you know?

All in all I don't think I've had any reaction to either of my shots, other than a sore arm at the site of injection, so I am very thankful for that!

The sleepy/tired/exhausted?  Yeah, that's really more likely to be from the last week.

Second shot went very well despite them being a lot busier (possibly from taking up the slack from the sites that had to close down due to heat last week), they really have things running so smoothly and I'm grateful for the volunteers and the systems and just the all of it.  Well done all.

I do also keep crying randomly thinking about being vaccinated against this thing that has kept me from family and friends for a year and a half but that's not so much a side effect as a massive amount of relief and gratitude! 

Some Relief

Thursday night is the first night I feel like I got some sleep in over a week.  (Yes, I hear all the new parents laughing at me.)

It has finally cooled a bit, in fact we had a drop of something like ten degrees from, what, Monday to Tuesday?  And now we're down a few degrees more?  It's still "too hot" for this time of year and they still have us in a "heat warning" situation because of that but it's back to being semi-livable.  So I came home, Thursday I think (honestly this whole week was a blur and I wasn't able to track days.)

I caved to tiredness and had a tiny (less than an hour) nap in the afternoon which was brutal to wake up from in that exhausted kind of way.  Then I went to bed around 9:30.  Tried to read but my brain was just too tired for words, so I turned off the light and just lay there, enjoying my own bed and the comfort that comes with that.

I had trouble falling asleep but think in the end I probably got 7 or 8 hours?  Which is four or five hours more than I've had since this started.  I didn't wake up to a panic attack, just to mild "ugh, another day of dealing with fans and heat, boo."  It makes such a difference for me to have that sleep.  

So, here's to cooler temperatures and sleep.  May we have more of both!

Inch By Inch

In a sudden turn of events, I'm getting my second Covid vaccination shot tomorrow. 

I got my invitation to book not too long ago and managed to find an opening in the middle of the month.

Then, a couple of days ago, C-Dawg texted me that she'd managed to find an earlier booking, so I signed in and used the rebook feature to see if there was anything sooner.  There wasn't, only appointments in July, which I texted her.

Victoria, she said, July is THIS WEEK!

You can't really fault me, I haven't slept with this heat in nearly a week so I'm "functioning" on approximately half a brain cell, but I laughed and got back on line and managed to book for July 3rd which, holy smokes, is tomorrow!!!

I've cried a little that two weeks from now I will be pretty darn protected from this stupid virus.  And that maybe, just maybe I can hug my parents, or visit friends in the comfort of their homes.  I mean absolutely no offence to Jason who has been a wonderful "Covid buddy" this last long while, but damn I miss seeing C-Dawg in more than a drive by and talk at a distance situation.  I haven't seen my brothers or their kids in... well, you know the math.  And while I've been ok with that, the fact that maybe people will start being more comfortable with closer contact?  I'm feeling very emotional about that.

Sure, I'm a little nervous about potential reaction to the shot, but thank heavens it has cooled down a bit so that if I do not feel well, at least I'm not going to also be dealing with that literally deadly heat. (We've had huge numbers of sudden deaths and they believe many of them were heat related.  Plus an entire town that set a heat record - Lytton, BC - just completely burned down from a heat related forest fire.  This wasn't just "gosh it's hot", this was brutal, devastating, and unfortunately, deadly heat.

But that aside... I know Covid isn't over.  I know this pandemic isn't anywhere near over.  I'm nervous about the reopening and the variants and I'm not going to really be changing my behaviours all that much but I am going to have another layer of protection and I am so grateful for that.

Not

I think it's been established that I'm not doing well.

Coping?  Sure, I guess.  But I'm not ok.  And part of what's really really getting to me is that it's June.  Were it August, I could at least sort of say oh well, we're heading into Fall, but right now we're just at the very very very start of Summer.  This is the BEGINNING of Summer.  And so I am genuinely afraid of the next few months.  

And then even if we say "oh, the heat will break" the reality is it might not.  And even if it does, we have fucked up the planet so much that things aren't going to "get better" in the long run.  And people joke and make memes about it, and let's ignore the people who think it's all fake or something (I can't really wrap my head around whatever it is they "think") and the money involved and the corporations who have no need to change (see: money) and the habits and "normal" that people will forget about when Winter hits and oh boy it's soooooo chilly giggle giggle THIS IS NOT OK.

Y'all, I'm not even making sense, I know that.  It's too hot.  It's too too hot.  It's too hot ESPECIALLY for June.  It would be too hot for August but there's such fear I have around "getting through" things this next while.

I can't live at Jason's, it's not my home.  But I can't live in my home.  Sleeping at his place is, I think? a little better temperature wise, but it's still sleeping at someone else's place and it's uncomfortable and not a great sleep.  So I'm not really getting a better sleep being here but at least I'm not as miserable?

I also know my anxiety needs extra careful management right now - to not overthink, to balance planning for the future with not knowing the future and finding what's wise but reasonable.  I know I'm not at my best at all all all. 

Well...

I did stay at Jason's last night, there was enough of a temperature difference there to make things livable, if not pleasant or entirely comfortable. 

Just at the tail end of a flat out panic attack this morning though.  Not what I'd like to be dealing with but it is what it is I guess.

I'm trying to tell myself I just have to get through today but there's this thing that's happened the last few mornings of the heat where I wake up and am kind of ok and then the reality hits me that it's going to be another hot, not good day and I lose it.  And unfortunately this morning that happened here at Jason's and so I've been high anxiety leading to panic attack since about 5 am.  (I have chosen to take something for this, I hope it helps, I mean it will help, but, yeah)

I don't know what to do with today.  I have to go to my place to check on things and it's going to be ugly and I don't have the energy for it.  Jason wants to go out to a lake or river or something (one with fewer people, not one of the popular ones) but I'm pretty anxious about that for reasons.

So at this exact point I'm not sure what I want to do except I have to check in on my place and get a few things there and maybe shower and I should stop typing now, it's setting me off again.

Um, to conclude this essay, it's hot, I'm not doing great, hope you are!

Yeah....

Only cried once yesterday with being overwhelmed by the heat.  It was at about nine thirty at night when my apartment was 30 degrees C with all the attempts I was having at keeping it cool.  

My attempts by the way seem very... un... good.  Like I don't know what I'm doing, thermodynamically speaking.  I point fans out windows but then think I should close the windows so I do but then it all just seems worse so I open them up again and point the fans out, no, wait, in?  And then I have the one fan that I think was not meant to run for an entire day and the plug gets hot and the motor gets hot and I'm just not comfortable with the fact it might burn down my entire apartment so... I'm down a fan?  Or do I try moving them around and put that one in the bedroom pointing out... in?   But then there's nothing in the hallway moving air?  Oh lord, help.  

I did try really hard to be ok yesterday and if we're going by "amount of times I cried from the heat" I was down one, yay?  I took three cold showers over the day completely soaking my hair.  I sprayed myself with my spray bottle, I kept hydrated with cool water, I kept my electrolytes up, I ate decently, I went outside to read a book at the hottest part of the afternoon (5/6) I did exercise in the morning, I tried so hard.

I thought I'd just try to stay up late and sleep late but I got tired around 11 so was like oh well body wants to try sleeping!

Thought I'd try to sleep in my living room as it's a larger space and so more, uh, more of a feeling/sense of air?  So I did try but it was about 30 in both areas so I figured it would be more comfortable lying on my bed, which it was.  With a fan pointed on me and earplugs in.  Still wasn't what I'd call sleep, but hey, rest is better than nothing for sure.

Got up around 1 am and it felt cool enough to turn off fans and take out earplugs and try to sleep and seems I got a few hours (AMEN!)  Five am rolled around and I got up and turned fans back on (and got my invite to book my second vaccination, YAY!) and thought I'd go back to sleep but that didn't happen.

So I got up, had some tea, gave my plants a little top up of water (I mean if I'm hot they must be too, right?) and here I am, contemplating surviving another day.

(I guess saying "trying to survive the heat" sounds over dramatic but it feels like that for me.)

Jason is back in town and I invited myself to try sleeping at his place for a couple of nights and he didn't say no so that's possibly where I'll end up tonight.  My parents very kindly invited me to stay there as did my brother but there's still the risk of Covid high in my mind and Jason and I are already exposed to each other (immature guffaw) so less of a risk in my mind anyway.

I figure if I head over to Jason's at some point in the afternoon, I should probably come home at some point to check on fans (and re-open blinds a bit, which I can do around 6:30 when the sun stops baking my place directly and hides behind a building).  I'm a little nervous that if I do stay there my fans will run overnight... so far I've woken up at some point each night to turn them off, but... shrug, I don't know.  It's probably better to leave them on and at least pretend they're helping rather than turning them off and wishing I hadn't?

Rumour, sorry, forecast has the heat breaking a bit in a couple of days, so in theory this is just a stop gap for tonight and Monday night... 

And again, if you're a heat person I am happy for you.  If you're someone who doesn't mind all this, or who has a space that is reasonably cool or a back yard with shade or whatever other methods you have of being or staying cool, I'm sorry if I seem ridiculous.  But honestly, for some of us this isn't going well and where we live isn't conducive to cooling off. 

Wow... Ok...

Yesterday was the forecast "coolest" day in the next few days.  As in, it's not going to get any cooler than it was yesterday for, what, a week?

I did "ok".  I sort of coped.  But not well.

I cried twice.  Both times of panic/upset/tears were after 4pm I think, so I guess it turns out my apartment's worst times for heat are afternoon and into evening.  (And overnight... sigh)

I'm really trying hard right now to be ok with this heat, and trying to find ways to adjust, but as I lay on my bed last night knowing I'd not likely get much sleep, I did tell myself maybe it was time to actually consider getting an A/C unit.

I hate that I'm genuinely considering this.  I've never liked air conditioning.  That doesn't mean I don't appreciate it though.  I have it in my car and I use it when it's hot.  It makes a huge difference.  But it makes the air "weird".  Not to mention the crap it puts out into the environment and the electricity (gas in my car) it uses up.  A/C is NOT environmentally responsible or friendly or good.  And there's a horrific reality of these temperatures being caused by human behaviour and thinking about getting something that won't improve these temperatures in the long run.

But... I also need to be well.

Honestly, I don't know if it will work in my apartment (nor if I'm technically "allowed" to have one....)

Jason is away right now, "camping" in the woods to get away from the heat because he's smarter than I am apparently.  But I'll need him to come over and measure things and look at where plugs are and help me if I'm going to go through with this, so I'm telling myself I just have to get through this weekend/week and then Jason will get back to town and I'll ask him for help.  Sure I could do it myself, but I tend to miss-measure things or not know quite what to get and he's way better at these things than I am so I'm going to be asking him for help. (Plus he's my covid-bubble-friend so I don't mind doing things and going places with him.)

Do I think any local stores will still have stock?  No, I do not, to be honest, but I'm hoping if Jason and I can figure it out, someone will be able to order one for me.  Sigh.

Right now I have blankets and sheets hanging over my blinds.  As in, my window blinds are closed and then I've jerry rigged blankets/whatever over them for extra sun blocking.  I was going to use some Reflectix that I had on hand for the van, but I googled and there's a possibility it would overheat glass and possibly crack my windows from the heat and I don't want to risk that, so for now it's closed blinds, and blankets and fans pushing hot air around and one pushing hot air on to me.

I also bought a spray bottle to spray myself (and my head/hair) down, and I'm keeping up my water and electrolytes and trying to make sure they're cold as well.  I have things of ice to put in front of my fan when we pass that 2 or 3 pm mark when the sun starts hitting my place and things go from bad to way way bad.

I may try to go out at some point this evening, and I honestly, for the first time ever, may just run my fans all night.  (Again, sorry electrical bill and environment... sigh)

I turned my fans off last night when I attempted to go to bed.  I tried to fall asleep with a fan on me and earplugs in but it didn't go super well.  I put it on a timer and tried to fall asleep and still woke fully up when it went off.  But I'm going to try fans again tonight and hopefully the earplugs don't pop out from the heat like they did last night.

I didn't sleep exactly, but I resigned myself to doze-rest.  I got out of bed around five and walked around turning all my fans back on and then got back into bed with the fan on me and lay there not-not sleeping for a few hours.  I did consider going for a 5am walk, but figured some half sleep was a better idea.

My place cooled down to about 26 C overnight, which SUCKS.  But, hey, it is what it is.

I walked to the store this morning and got a pre-cooked chicken breast so I don't have to even turn on the stove top.  (I used the stove top last night and it was a dumb idea so I'm trying to avoid.)

I walked to another store and didn't buy a high powered fan.  I did stand there and stare at it for a while, knowing they would likely be sold out if I wanted one later or tomorrow, but hey... I already have four, and, well... I dunno.  Money needs to be saved I guess?

Sigh.

It's about noon as I write this, just over 27 degrees in my place.  I've not gotten to the worst yet, so here's to being "ok" while the heat is still not as hideous as it's going to be in a few hours.

I'm trying not to look at the forecast.  I'm trying to just be ok with things.  I'm trying to adjust and stay hydrated and cool and all those things.  But damn, this is not my favourite way to feel.

Hope you're doing ok.  And if you're someone who enjoys and does well in the heat, please have some extra fun for me, please!?

An Open Letter To This Heat

No.

Just, no.

The Playoffs

This last week or so I've watched a couple of hockey playoff games (at Jason's, I don't have cable.)

I grew up watching hockey, not religiously, but enough and I realized the other night that even without my glasses on (distance) I can still follow the flow of the puck and I figure this is because I have watched the game since I was little.  I was talking with Jason about when whatever network (Fox?) tried to bring the game to America and to, I dunno, make it easier for non viewers to follow they put weird visual "trackers" on the puck and it was horrible and I wasn't able to watch those games, but I did realize the other night that it probably is a little challenging to watch games if you're new to the sport - it can be pretty fast moving.

Aside from that, I half enjoyed one game and quite enjoyed the other.  The issue on the one game was I found myself quite stressed and anxious.  Which is no fun.  The second game, I was able to keep a bit more emotional distance and just watch.  I forgot that it can be fun to support a team and root for them.

I was never a super hard core sports fan, but I have, over the years, enjoyed watching baseball, soccer and hockey.  Football I have never enjoyed (and don't understand) although I did go to a Grey Cup when I was in high school - that was cool. 

But yeah, I've watched a couple of recent games and had a not terrible time at least once!

Ahhhhhh

Oh what a delight a cooler day and night is!  Heaven.

Turns out most people I talked to yesterday had a hard time sleeping due to the heat so, I suppose I should be happy it wasn't just me?  (I just want to sleep though...)

They're predicting stupid temperatures for the weekend so I'm working REALLY hard to just enjoy the not terrible temperatures while they're here.  (While whimpering)

The fan pointing out the window thing seems to actually bring down temperatures, I don't have the science to tell you why and I don't know if it's something specific to this building's layout (since it was a neighbour's suggestion to try) but so far when I wake up and turn on the "pointing out the window" box fan the thermometer next to me starts going downwards.  Yesterday I turned the fan around when the outside air felt cooler and the temperatures inside started going up within minutes.  I don't know man!!!

Maybe it creates some sort of wind tunnel vortex or something, but it *seems* to be working so I'm going to keep going with it and hope for the best. 

I was lying in bed last night thinking "don't just blog about the weather/heat all summer!" so, you know, I'll try not to!

Ugh

Well I'm going to hope that last night was a one off.  I wasn't able to fall asleep.  Hard to tell if it was entirely from the heat or also from, er, other things?  (Like the person yelling right as I was falling asleep or just my body deciding it didn't want to cooperate?)

I will try not to fixate on the not sleep because that can set off anxiety and cause issues but yeah, sleep would have been helpful.

(God I need to not suffer this entire Summer....)

Well....

Today was the first day of Summer, so with the exception of the hot Spring days we had a couple of weeks ago, this was the first "official" hot day of Summer.

Thankfully there was a bit of a breeze for some of the day and since this isn't the billionth hot day in a row I think I had a bit of a head start with a fairly cool apartment rather than an apartment that never cooled off.

I'm honestly not looking forward to the rest of this week, nor am I particularly looking forward to Summer heat but here we are.

Last year was pretty awful for me heat wise, and I've already had a heat induced panic attack at my counsellor's office ironically... this year so I'm really going to try to not repeat last year.

One of the things I forgot about was cooking meals.  Because one of my comfort go-to meals is a "heat in oven" kind of thing and, well, that's not something I really want to be doing.  I will try to take more electrolytes I think, and I'm not going to worry about the electricity cost of running my fans all day.  (Last year I tried to conserve energy rather than move air and I think this year I want to be less wary of using electricity.)

I'm scared and anxious about the heat and hoping to find ways to handle it better than last year.  I think the panic attack at the counsellor's office actually helped because we worked through some of the anxiety and I'm hoping that will help.

It sucks that heat is part of the way my anxiety manifests though (when I'm really stressed or starting a panic attack I often feel "too hot") and I have read about the fact that heat can set off physical triggers that can make the body think it is anxious so I'll be working on reducing those symptoms and triggers as well.

I'm writing this because it's reading at 29 C in my apartment right now but I am (so far) doing ok.  

I unfortunately don't like the noise of the fans, but do my best to deal with that, knowing that without the noise things would be way more uncomfortable.

I know many places are far warmer and I know I live in a relatively mild place weather wise all round but still... heat isn't something I'm good with anymore, and I'm working at being more ok with it than I was last year.

Happy Summer y'all.  Stay cool if you can.

A Neighbour's Idea

When we had our hot spell the other week, I ran into a neighbour outside and they asked how I was doing.  I was honest and said I was really struggling with the heat.

They suggested that in their place (a floor above me so probably hotter?) is pointing fans OUT.  As in, they have a fan that draws air from their apartment and blows it out the window.  I'm going to try this, because I mean why not.  So I'm adding a fourth fan to my apartment and not trying to figure out where I'll store it come Fall. (sigh)

Also trying to make sure my plugs are balanced and not overwhelmed as I only have so many outlets in this place. 

I do hope it helps, and I do wish my system didn't mind the heat but oh damn, so far it really really has and I've been revelling in the slightly colder days we have had.

Any other cooling type hints?  (Someone suggested an ice bucket or something in front of a fan but I've already forgotten the details?)

There's A Hole In My Bucket... Dear Liza, Dear Liza

I don't have a bucket.

I feel like a bucket is something I should have but I don't have one really only because I do not have room to keep one.  The lack of storage in this otherwise lovely little apartment is a real issue and so I, for example, do not have a bucket.

(Or a ladder, or a bunch of other things one is "supposed" to have in their place...)

What I do have is a "pile" of stuff behind a couch that my brother said "was a mess" but is actually storage that has nowhere else to go (and no I'm not renting a storage unit.)

Anxious System

I can't say I noticed this in the same way when I first "got sick", but right now I'm noticing it.  Possibly because in 2015 my health just straight out declined.  As in, there weren't good days.  Whereas now, I'll have good days, or good weeks or some mix like that, so the bad days are more noticeable.

And what I'm noticing is a huge decline in ability when I'm anxious and overwhelmed like this.

Some minor examples are putting things where they're not meant to be.  Lost my home phone the other day.  Ended up I'd left it on the bathroom counter, not sure when or how?  Tried to leave the house by pressing the "unlock" button on my car keys.  I find things in odd places that I don't remember putting them or being.  Snack plate in the middle of kitchen table when I ate the snack on my couch and the kitchen is RIGHT THERE.  Stressing over forgetting things because I know I'm not at my best.  I had Jason drive me to the grocery store the other day (from his place) because I'd felt I shouldn't be driving - wasn't as safe and alert as I wanted to be.  When we got there, I was sitting in the passenger seat, and I reached into my purse and got my mask and then started looking for my car keys.  I really don't know why.  I wasn't driving.  It seemed like I thought I needed them for the store?  Did I think I had to lock the car (that was still running, with me in the passenger seat?)  I don't know.  And that's really disturbing.  It's upsetting to have a brain that's "running wrong" without me even "thinking" things.  (If that makes sense.)

I'm just less functional.  

I can leave the house without proper layers, or with too many.  Or without the one item I needed (hat, sunglasses, etc.)

I imagine that sleep deprived new parents may recognize some of these "symptoms" and I figure we've all had an absent minded moment or two "whoops, the milk doesn't go in the cupboard, ha!" but this is just... it's additional stress on top of stress and I said to Jason that while I tend to avoid using the "sedative" type medication my doctor prescribed, it's actually a more functional me than with this highly stressed system.  Damn.

And holy bleep this is exhausting.  Like so so tiring.  (Although it's not a tired that guarantees sleep unfortunately.)

So as I said last week, there's an awful lot going on and "just functioning" is my priority and I'm not doing like an A+ job of that right now!

The Fifteenth

Halfway through June apparently.  (And as I often find myself saying... "not sure how that happened".)

For the three of you who are still around, I don't talk about my work (not exactly) for a number of reasons.  So instead, I talk about being a spy!  (Unless, of course, it's a double psych out and I actually am a spy, ooooOooooOoooH!)

So I've been off of work for a long time with health issues and recently I've been trying to volunteer as part of a return to work program sort of thing.  It's been mixed.  Nice to see other humans.  Stressful to see other humans during a pandemic.  It set off "depressive episodes" and kicked up my anxiety in a serious way.  But it's been nice to see colleagues again after so long.  (One of them unironically said "It's like you're like Jesus... you died and came back to life!"  To which I replied... "heh?")

Spy bosses have decided to switch up my day to day, meaning.... let's say I've been the type of spy who rappels down buildings on wires and crawls under lasers to steal diamonds.  (You know, stereotypical Mission Impossible stuff.)  Now they're going to have me be the type of spy who goes undercover in bars to pretend they're not a spy and use pens that are dart guns and glasses with secret binocular vision scopes.  This isn't likely to happen until I've had some training and until my doctor gives the ok for actual work, so Fall is possible????  OR????  UGH.

I'm some days terrified, just completely terrified and overwhelmed.  And then other days I tell myself "well, it's not today, today all I have to do is X" and I manage to calm myself down and "ignore" the "future scary stuff".

But I'm scared.  Scared and nervous and anxious and overwhelmed.

I know it's weird to half talk about something like this, trust me, it feels weird to try to not talk while talking, so I mean imagine what you want, just know I'm super super stressed over work stuff that is pretty much out of my control and I don't feel competent or confident and my mental health is not great and oh, right, I've been getting panic attacks in the heat and it's only the middle of June.  F*dge.

Oh Right

Oh, right, it's Monday, I should post...

Um, let's see.  I do not remember at all what I may have said or not said about things in the last week or three, and I could go look but, you know, tired.  I'll maybe just let myself "repeat", or something...

One of the (unrelated to me) things I've been having a really hard time with is (ongoing) discoveries of unmarked graves of Indigenous children at residential school locations.  I didn't grow up learning about residential schools when I was a child (most of us didn't) but I did learn about them at some point and I've continued to learn about the horrible things and lasting effects.

And this process that we as a nation are going through right now is necessary and difficult.  I can't think of a country that doesn't have some things in their past to reckon with and I know for a lot of people it's "too much" in some way and they're not going to think about it or they're not going to change their ways of thinking.

For me, I'm just so sad.  Sad for the losses.  The cultural losses, the ongoing generational trauma.  The losses of those children.  Children.  I can't.

I went to buy groceries the other day and noticed all the checkout people were wearing orange ribbons (the colour used to represent those lost children) and I started to cry.  

I am not comfortable talking about this here, or online in general and I know my sadness or hurt or upset around this is nothing compared to those directly affected.  My heart and soul hurt for so many reasons and I know saying that isn't enough and doesn't help or change or fix anything.

I try to hold out hope that something positive will come from this and these discoveries.  And I try to recognize the duality of life and humanity as a thing that will probably always exist.

Dark

I usually keep memes for social media (is a blog social media?  it doesn't feel like it to me...) and I have a feeling this might set off whatever trigger created the Blogger "deletion" issues the other week but hey, it's a pretty good summary of how I'm feeling a lot of the time!

Sigh.

(And yeah, I usually keep my darker anxiety stuff like this to myself... just saying.)

As To What's Going On (For Me)

I have been having a rough time lately.  Anxiety and stress wise anyway.

And so I'm fighting that (which may be habit rather than helpful) and then if/when I do have a moment of a bit more calm or quiet, writing a blog post or five is not particularly at the top of my mind or to do list.  Especially when it feels like writing about life might bring back up the things that are triggering the higher anxiety I just managed to calm down a bit.  You know?

So, I'm struggling, but keeping trying and some moments are better than others and some days are better than others and honestly some weeks are better than others. 

Pause

I didn't get around to writing this weekend.  I'm physically ok, emotionally not, so was dealing with my reaction to some Canadian news (horrific and upsetting) and some personal friend life news (devastating and upsetting) and just general heightened anxiety and trauma responses.  

Back soon, but acknowledging the need for quiet contemplation and personal cocooning.

Oh My Broken Little Girl's Heart

So... I grew up with mainly boys as neighbours (other than my best friend a few houses down and across).

I, naturally, had a crush on one or two of these boys, most notably A. from next door.

Now A and his brother played with my brothers (and me when I was forced upon them by well meaning parents) and clearly all four of them were SO much older than me the crush would never be anything.

Because as you may remember, four or five or eight years when you're a kid is SO SO SO much different.  I mean if I'm 5 and you're 10 or 13?  You're practically a grown up or in high school or something.  

So I grew up with this secret crush and then recently found A on unnamed social media site.  I already knew he was happily married and all but hey, secret childhood crushes don't just disappear amirite?

But then, this social media site told me it was his birthday and and AND told me his age.  And if we assume he's being truthful on said social media site, you guys?

HE IS ONLY ONE YEAR OLDER THAN ME!!!!

ONE YEAR!

I know that's still a big deal when I'm in grade 4 and you're in grade 5 but I feel like I maybe just assumed he was as old as my brothers and and and waaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh. How did I never know he was a mere year older?

It's gotta be some kind of error, I just can't live with this being a reality!

Oh, The Light

It's at this time of year that I find myself wishing we had this length of days all year round.  I love when it's light from morning until 9pm.  Love love love it and life seems nicer and easier and somehow, and this sort of sounds dumb, but days seem longer.  Even knowing it is the same clock, the same 24 hours, having the light out all evening is amazing.  So so good.

And it's often at this time of year that I think to myself that I love it so much I would almost move.  As in, move somewhere where the days were like this, long like this all year long, or at least closer to it.

And my thoughts meander to the equator and then I stop myself and I try to Science.  Because tilt of earth and um rotation around sun and you know what?  I don't think there actually is anywhere where the days are long like this all the time.  I think, if my brain remembers and no I'm not googling, that ruins the fun, I think that days at or near the equator are generally sort of around the same length without much variation?  But as you go up (.... or down) the globe they stretch out but that also means they shorten.  So to have days this gloriously long, we "pay" for them in Winter with horribly short ones.  Although not as short as the pole-type people who get days of no night and then nights of no day.

So I suppose the "solution" is to live here while it's like this and then the opposite place when they're like this.  

But yeah, I do love this... light at 9pm and such.  Long, light filled evenings are such a delight for so many reasons.

The Second Of Things

As I was looking at the calendar today I started to think about how I (we) have now gone through our second "something in Covid".

What I mean really is that I have now had the second birthday of both of my parents (one in April, one in May) that was Covid... times.

Last year, for my Mom's birthday, I dropped a gift in a bag (that I had placed in that bag a week before and delivered with gloves on) at the door and then went to the side of their building to wave at them (six stories up) and pretend to be happy while I cried the whole way there and back with fear I might accidentally bring them Covid and kill them and then the whole way home that I just wanted to hug them.  And last year for Dad's birthday he actually came downstairs to the front of their building and we stood far apart and talked a bit.  That was hard as Dad was pretty low emotionally and it seemed like the reality of Covid had hit home and he was feeling constricted to their place and missing interaction with others and said he realized he'd not be seeing family (and grandkids) for Christmas.  I haven't seen my Dad sad a lot in my life and that was really hard.  Really hard.

This year, for Mom's birthday we met at a local beach and they'd both had their first round of shots and we all wore masks and shared cake.  And for Dad's birthday we met at a different local beach and I'd had my first shot and we chose not to wear masks and shared cake.

I still would love to hug them (maybe soon?) and I still would love to sit in their apartment and relax inside and in person rather than outside in the elements or over the occasional FaceTime.

Looks like both of them will have had their second vaccination by the middle of June so fully vaccinated by the end of June.  Mom said maybe we could make an appointment for a hug in July or August?  I said sure and hopefully that happens, but I don't know yet when my second shot may happen, I'm only just two weeks out from my first shot (so yay for all that immunity already!!!)

This is all still so changeable and nothing is set in stone and re-openings can be shut down again and who knows what's going to come or happen next.  Uncertainty, yay!  (Not at all yay actually.)

Just I guess I was reflecting on two years of some things being impacted by Covid but also on how this year was a little closer to a normal I can handle than last year was.

But damn this has all been a long strange dream-trip... or at least it still often feels that surreal.  You know?

The Cascade Continues

Back to my post about the domino-effect-cascade of anxiety, I've just found out about another issue.

Teeth.

I mean, yes, I know I wake up some mornings with a bad headache and figure I've been grinding/clenching that night (I have a guard) but just back from the dentist and apparently at least one of my teeth is cracked from it.  Cracked from the grinding/clenching, which is from stress and anxiety.  BIG SWEAR WORD.

I already got a crown on a front tooth from this a few years ago and that's when we got me wearing a heavier night guard than I'd been wearing so for there to be another cracked tooth?  I'm choked.

I'm WORKING on making this anxiety go away and on changing my reactions and responses, I am!  And it's difficult.  And yet I'm still trying.  And this is yet another physical reason to not carry so much stress and anxiety.  Sigh.

The dentist did say that a lot of folks are coming in with more of these kinds of issues with the added stress of the pandemic.  Not that that makes me feel any better, but I guess I'm glad we have ways to try to help, like the night guards.

Sigh.

I have a few teeth to observe on top of the one that's already cracked and I'm so not happy and really really wishing teeth grew back and self healed, you know?

Sigh.

I Think I've Talked About This Before

(But you know, links are evil right now in Blogger world so not even going to search for it!)

I live vaguely near a park where blue herons nest (live? do you live where you nest or just nest there and then move on?) and so some mornings (like the last few) I'll see a blue heron flying overhead (out my window... duh) towards, I assume, said nesting area.

For a long while I thought I was hearing said heron do its weird sounding dinosaur calls on the way over and I kept thinking how funny it is that they sound so... not nice?

Last year I remember hearing the heron a lot.  Like a lot lot, but I just figured there were more flying back and forth or something.

Until my neighbour asked me if the garbage truck back up noise was bothering me as much as it was bothering her... and that's when I learned that some trucks don't go "beep beep beep" when backing up, they go CAWWWWW CAWWWWW CAWWWWWWW like... um... dinosaurs, not like blue herons.  Although herons have a particularly awful call.  (Especially when distressed by a bald eagle flying opportunistically through the park setting off the bird alarm system that was literally heard all over the park!)

Cascade

When I was reading/watching The Expanse series, at a certain point in the story a character refers to a cascade.  Something broke (trying not to spoiler) on a planetary system and he explained that that thing breaking would affect something else and that would affect something else until the whole place was, well, screwed, and he referred to it as something like "the cascade effect".

And so this is how I'm thinking about where my body is at right now.  I'm dealing with the cascade of ongoing anxiety from a really harsh week.

So, let's say I had a week's worth of daily, sometimes twice daily panic attacks, because I did.  And you sort of think well that's all just mental stuff, maybe with some racing heart or something, except no.

Because by this weekend along with the massive anxiety, my system had been so, screwed over... for lack of a better term, my stomach hurts when I eat or drink anything at all.  I can't properly regulate temperature.  Almost anything at all sets me off into another panic attack.  I keep cricking my neck and needing to wear a thing at night to keep it from going into weird positions. I have awkward health issues that have flared up that I need to manage, and probably other things I can't think of right now.  And on top of all that physical pain and discomfort, I still have the anxiety ongoing AND I still have to try to deal with life.  Oh, and I'm way way way WAY less of a functional human when my anxiety is this intense.  That's a doozie to deal with honestly, because as much as I don't like the stomach pain, it's something I've dealt with on and off for years (a decade?) so I have ways to manage it and OTC stuff to take (hi Gaviscon, how are you!?) but the "non functional" stuff is new to me and rather disturbing.

I'm not just talking about the usual distracted "oh put the milk in the cupboard instead of the fridge, whoops!" or "tried to unlock my house by pressing the car unlock button" type things that most of us have from time to time, it's the loss of my usual functional normal ability that I mean.  Like forgetting why I stood up even though I say to myself I'm getting my slippers, I'm getting my slippers, I'm standing up to get my slippers... stand up, start wandering randomly through apartment feeling like I'm forgetting something but no idea what.  

Or finding parking really really excessively challenging and ending up driving around blocks a few times psyching myself up to try to park at all.  

Or just not keeping up with or on top of things that are ordinarily habits and ingrained.  It's brutal because I can't trust myself.  I forgot someone's anniversary last week even though my calendar had two reminders and my phone reminded me, I didn't "notice" until the next day or something and I felt awful about it.  

So, yeah... there's a system cascade failure thing going on from high levels of anxiety over the last week.  And it sucks.  And I have to keep going and dealing and doing things (that I don't want to do at all).

Le Shrug

I'm going to leave out using photos here for a while, in theory to give time to Blogger to fix whatever issue caused them to remove and then reinstate two of my posts for apparent "malware" or "virus".... (I googled that night, I wasn't the only one with the issue/concern)

I know that doesn't really need an entire post to explain it, but I always like the appearance of this blog when it has photos every second day, so, yeah...

All words and no photos make Blog a dull boy?

Um, Yeah, No.

If you've been around here a while you know I have a deal with spiders in my place.  They aren't allowed in my bedroom, and they absolutely aren't allowed on my bed, like no way no how.  Them's the rules.

So a few nights ago I went to bed and when I turned on the light there was a big black spider up around the ceiling.  "Oh, we're NOT doing this" I said very loudly, but also aware that he/she was too high for me to properly capture.  So I got my Swiffer and in the process of knocking it down to the floor it fell/jumped behind my bed and I couldn't be bothered to go after it, which I thought at the time "hopefully this doesn't come back to bite me, but I mean... it would never sort of like, um, go on my bed right?  Right."

Except not right.

Last night, I went to bed and as it was a little chillier, I pulled up my extra blankets, which happen to be black.

And as I was pulling them up, I noticed some movement and, well, yeah, BIG BLACK SPIDER ON MY BED!  ON MY BLANKET!!!

"SO RUDE!" I shouted (no, really, I told the spider it was being so rude... ahem) and I flicked it to the ground.  Thankfully it was docile and seemed slow, so I was able to leap out of bed and get a glass from the kitchen.  Again, thankfully, it hadn't done much escaping, so I was able to put the cup over it and go get a piece of paper.  By the time I got back with the paper it was crawling the sides of the glass which reinforces my theory that the bigger they are the "smarter" they are, and so I went out into my hallway, and usually I just drop them outside my door but this one I walked down a flight of stairs and released it there knowing full well he/she might just make their way back to my bedroom!  GAH!

My heartrate was through the roof so I decided to try to google which type of spider it was (it wasn't a shape I'm overly familiar with) but that didn't really help calm me down so I went back to bed.  And forced myself to stop thinking about "spider germs" all over my bed, which made me start thinking about all the other bug germs all over my bed and me and well that train of thought just had to stop, like nope, stop nuh uh, not going there.

What followed was a bunch of weird thoughts and half dreams and a nasty enough dream to wake me up this morning but hey, I'm sure that wasn't related to the spider situation, right?  Ahem.

So yeah.  Someone broke the covenant and I am NOT impressed!  AND I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT ANY MORE THAN THAT AAAAARGH!

Er...

I just had two posts "flagged" (by someone?) and then deleted for "Malware and Similar Malicious Content".

I am genuinely confused and a little bit scared because I don't even know how to make malware never mind insert it into a blog? 

The posts are gone so I can't even look back at them to see what might have been an issue, but I can't think of anything I did that was... questionable.  Any links I share I use their platform to create links and I usually only link to my own blog.  Or was it something in the photos I'm uploading?

Both posts were from March, and I have no clue if the "flagged for review" was a human or a bot or what.  It's pretty disheartening and upsetting.

So if, I suppose, this blog suddenly disappears, it's likely because I got deleted for... whatever it is they think I'm doing.

Edited to Add:  And yes, I'm aware that by posting this and saying I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S HAPPENING, some tech minded person or ten is going to read it and think "oh lord she has no idea" and no, no, I really do not.  (But I will try to figure it out and if someone explains it to me I will learn as best I can.)

Next day Edit:  Now they've emailed that the posts have been restored.  They're in draft form and I'm going to leave them that way for now.  They both contain photo links to photos of my own that I downloaded from flickr, as all the subsequent and previous posts do too.... and one of them has a link to my own blog.  So in terms of what they flagged, I have no idea but I'm cautious.  (And it seems to have happened to a bunch of other folks who are all similarly baffled and upset)

They Shot Me!

Well, I got my first dose of Covid-19 vaccine.  Pfizer as it turns out.

I was nervous going in but the place was so slick and well run and organized that there really was no need to be nervous.  (Spoiler: I still was!)

Didn't feel the shot itself which was lovely.  Sat for the requisite 15 after to make sure I was fine and I was so I headed home.

I expected some arm soreness, as that's pretty much a guarantee with shots.

Came home, iced it, messaged my family and a couple of friends YAY!  I did take Advil (they say that's ok) and I think that helped the arm pain a lot.

Took another Advil around dinner, put on some arnica type lotion... figured I was good to go.

When I got up to go to bed (around midnight, what?) my arm was SOOOOOOORE.  Like, sore sore.  Ouch.  So I took two Advil and went to bed.

Wasn't able to lean/roll onto that side but had a great, solid sleep.  

Honestly, I think the biggest thing I felt was a sense of relief I had not expected.  And that's why I think I slept so well, really.

Because yeah, I felt really relieved to know that in a couple of weeks I will be protected (at least partially) against Covid in a way I haven't been since we found out about it.  I didn't expect to feel this sense of relief like this because I've never had it with a shot before.

Like, I get a shot for... whatever, the flu or whooping cough or whatever and it's sort of like well this is a preventative thing, shrug.  But Covid?  Covid's been right in my face for more than a year now.  And I've gone through a lot lot LOT of anxiety and fear and upset from that.  And now I think it affected me even more than I knew.

So anyway, by the time I woke up the next morning I realized my arm felt way better.  I could roll over on to that side even, yay!

I think I took an Advil here or there the next day but it wasn't that bad.  What I was more taking it for was pain the neck/shoulder on that side.

I wondered if it was somehow a reaction to the shot?  But I've realized since it was probably a reaction to the pain and probably I slept weird the night of the shot and kinked my neck/shoulder.  That makes way more sense than anything shot-specific, right?

So, yeah, I have an unrelated sore upper back/neck thing (which, hello, that gets sore all the time anyway) and my arm feels fine and I haven't yet noticed any tiredness or any other symptoms at all.  Other than a pretty normal for getting a shot sore arm.  YAY!

I am aware that for some folks the second dose carries a bit of a wallop so I will keep that in mind, but for now I'm just happy to be building some safety from Covid and that I haven't seemed to have any reaction to this first shot!

(And no, we don't know yet here in B.C. how long between doses, they've said 4 months, but more recently they're saying "sooner" as we've gotten more doses in so we shall see.  I'm just happy to have some protection at all, I really am.  Same for my loved ones and friends.)

Better Now Though

A couple of months ago, I mentioned that I'd written a post note that said "Breath" and I wasn't at that time able to figure out what I was trying to remind myself to write!

Well, last month (or a couple of weeks ago, I'm not sure... I mean honestly last month was a couple of weeks ago so... let's just move on) I think I figured it out and I wrote myself the note "difficulty breathing" which was a much better reminder...

I am 98% sure this has happened in previous years - for sure last year (because I remember being very worried I'd contracted Covid) and possibly/probably the year before and who knows... because I don't seem to have made a real mention of it here before and not talked to anyone health-wise about it so, yeah, not at the 100% sure level... just nearly.

A few (three? four?) months ago I noticed that it felt like I couldn't quite get a full breath.

I'm not sure how to describe it but like the muscles in my back weren't able to fully allow a deep breath???

I never felt short of breath or like I wasn't able to breathe, just... it wasn't quite "right".

My blood oxygen levels were fine.  I pulled out my breathing exercise thing (spirometer?) and it was fine too.  I didn't feel winded on my walks at all.  Just... like I had to really focus to take what felt like full breaths.  It was weird.

Last year, due to Covid, this really freaked me out.  This year, because I remember it freaking me out last year, it didn't freak me out, it just made me wonder.

What was going on?

Was it some kind of allergy to plant/tree pollen?  Probably?  But.. how?

Was it me sleeping funny?  Having bad posture?

All of the above???

I would try, as I was walking, to "force" a full, deep breath, and sometimes it would work and sometimes it would result in what I have come to call my "allergy cough" which isn't an irritated cough but more like a physically based cough (I'm sure that only makes sense to me).

But I sat on the post for a while (as in I made the reminder note but didn't write it) and now it's mid May and I'm not noticing the same feeling of restriction.  So either I was kind of sick/ill in some way, or it was related to Spring allergy pollen stuff.  I don't know.

Or, you know, maybe I pulled muscles.  UGH bodies are so frustrating when you're not exactly sure what's going on!

But yeah, in case next early-Spring I feel like I can't quite get a full breath even though my breathing isn't restricted... I have a suspicion that this is something that happens to me in early Spring, just because.

All in all I'm glad it's better now whatever it was!

Go Figure

I had my first "current situation" dream last week.

It was a mask dream of all things.

My parents and I had travelled (that was a safe thing again I guess) to a "fancy" hotel somewhere.  No idea where, could have been just Vancouver, didn't "feel" far far away.  And by "fancy" I mean it was actually kind of like a cruise ship inside, so lots to see and look at.  Like.. the hotel was the destination rather than the location?  Anyway...

So we'd just checked in and I told my parents I was going to go explore the hotel and I went out into the hallway and had taken a few steps when I realized I'd forgotten my mask.  This was upsetting, but luckily I had my mask on me (in my pocket?) so I stopped and put it on.

As I walked around the hotel I realized I was one of the only people wearing a mask and it seemed like they were giving me "funny" looks but I didn't care because I wanted to be safer.  

So, yeah, my first "mask" stress dream... go figure.  I guess in some ways I'm surprised I haven't had any memorable Covid dreams before this, but I'm also curious what worries my brain was trying to "get rid" of with that particular dream you know?