Remember

The sunrise, of course, doesn't care if we watch it or not.

It will keep on being beautiful, even if no one bothers to look at it.

Gene Amole


Somehow, this thought makes me want to live my life more.

It's All Runner Girl's Fault*

If The Real World has taught me anything, it's that people shouldn't drink.


Probably, ever.



*She's the one who told me mtv.ca had streaming tv shows. She didn't warn me they were all "reality" based shows that reminded me of all the things that are wrong with a vast number of young people in North America today.*** I worry for the human race, but it's like a car wreck that I can't look away from.**





**Even though I never look at actual car wrecks and think it's weird when people do.




***This post started out funny in my head but got all serious real quick like. My bad.

Rattled

I really need advance warning if things are going to change, people.

I get all wacked out when I wake up one day and things aren't the way they were before.

Like, why, all of a sudden, does Google Chat work in Safari when it never has before? WHERE WAS MY WARNING?

And what's with the way I suddenly have a Bin that eats all my emails when I empty emails that aren't even in the Bin and oh my goodness I have no idea what's going on anymore and why does Yahoo mail tell me it's tomorrow when it's not?

I'm only half serious of course, but it does throw me off when something that's always been one way suddenly stops being that way without any warning.

Like, they dug up one of the streets around here recently and they put up signs *before* they did it to warn us. So instead of waking up one morning with a hole where the street was, I knew it was coming.

Really, all I'm asking is for just a wee tiny heads up. When, you know, it's possible.

Oh, did I mention the snow we had this weekend? Remember how we got none all winter? Yep, got some late April. Biz. Arre.

And since when does Juicy Fruit taste like that?

Kids these days don't know what they're missing.






And, apparently, I don't know my sanity's missing.

Go figure!

Seriously

Dear Everyone,
(but especially Guys,)

Either do what you say you're going to do or don't say it in the first place.

Anything else is just rude.

Don't say you're going to do something if you're not going to do it.

Yours,
Victoria

Thank Goodness It's Dark In There

So I got home last night from the movie that I went to with Bird (we've become movie buddies, you see ) and discovered that my shirt had been inside out the whole time.


Sometimes I amaze myself with how awesome I am, really.



Know what's weird* though? It kind of looked better that way.


*I mean, weirder than me putting a shirt on inside out and not noticing... (I may have been slightly tipsy at the time.)

Oh Fudge

I just hung out with Bird again and now I'm all re-kerfuddled.

Kerfuddled? Sure.

I made sure I put up some, let's call em "emotional safety walls", while we were hanging out but now that somehow feels even weirder. Or maybe it's just that I'm finding out that he's a real person and not the imaginary version of him I've created and that's what's weird.

Anyway, it's weird. And I just want to call him up and say "Dude, we need to talk." But, yeah, not gonna do that.

Not today anyway.

Maybe It's Just Me

Maybe it's just me, but it feels like there are two times of year when there just aren't enough weekends; Christmas and Spring.

Around December, everyone's visiting or having get togethers and there are people to see and not enough time to see them all and why does everyone plan their stuff for the same day when I've gone weeks with no plans?

Same thing's happening now. I've got a long standing work commitment thingy this weekend that has me spying on the mainland. Where one of my best friends lives. Who happens to be coming to Victoria for the weekend for a sports event. Gah. Oh, and did I mention the Doctor who canceled my appointment Monday and tried to re-schedule Saturday, or the ball, yes actual ball, I got invited to and holy smokes people it's the one weekend I have to plans for once, pick another weekend would ya?

Ahhhh Spring. Must be the end of social hibernation or something.

What are you busy doing this weekend?

Mmmmmm Distraction

I figured that a decent way to stop thinking about Bird for a while would be to

and oh my crapola I just called Smith please don't say anything I just thought it would be nice to check in and see how he was doing and as soon as I started writing this post I called him and now I can't punctuate for some reason, I guess because it's like writing in panic mode or something because that was not my plan when I started writing this post and um, I'm going to stop writing now and breathe into a bag or something because he was on the other line with his Mom and is going to call me back which gives me time to think which isn't good at all thinking is bad I should write while I wait, right? That'll distract me. Look, punctuation! I must have blood flowing back to my brain now. Whew.

Ahem.

I figured that a decent way to stop thinking about Bird for a while would be to think about sweet ex boyfriend situations.

Ok, he called back and we talked and I can safely say I'm over the urge to call and check in on him now. He's fine, now I know. Ok, moving on. No, really. The conversation was fine, moving on.

The ex boyfriend that came to mind is Leo. Leo and I dated for a few months at the end of my grade 12 year. I may be exaggerating the "few months" part, I honestly can't remember. He was a total sweetheart and I had the hugest crush on him forever, even though he was *gasp* a year younger. (I know, high school scandal, right?)

Leo and I ended up in the school musical together so we got to spend a ton of time flirting and whatnot in rehearsals. Little did I know, one of the crew, who happened to be one of Leo's good buddies and rugby teammates had his own little crush on me.

After (what seemed then like) months of dreamily dreaming over Leo and flirting and asking girlfriends to ask his guy friends what he might be thinking, it was our final show and we all headed over to our stage manager's house for the (infamous) after party.

I was a little tipsy (and Mom, by tipsy, I mean giddy with the joy of performing since I didn't touch alcoholic beverages before legal drinking age, of course) when Leo's buddy came up to me and asked if I wanted to go out with him. I'm sure I wasn't as kind as I might have been, but I seem to remember telling him that I couldn't go out with him because I was going out with Leo, since by this point in the night we'd held hands. (Thus cementing our high school romance...if only it were that easy now, eh?)

Now, Leo happened to be standing next to me at this moment and declared that No, we weren't. No dude, nope.

Which, of course, sent me off crying in Made for TV Teen Drama style to the back yard, surrounded by consoling girlfriends and cheap coolers. (Did I say Coolers, Mom? I meant pops, cold pops, we called them "coolers" back then. Ahem)

At some point, Leo showed up and shooed my friends away. He apologized, saying that he hadn't yet talked to his buddy about the fact that he liked me and wanted to be my boyfriend but that since that whole thing had just happened, he'd talked to his friend and it was all good, we could be boyfriend/girlfriend.

I stood up, somewhat staggeringly, and told him that I didn't believe him, he was just a figment of my imagination and I was just making this up.

At which point, the lovely Leo reached out and gently stroked my cheek. "Does *this* feel like a figment of your imagination to you?"he asked, and then leaned in and gave me the sweetest little kiss.

At which point, my already wobbly knees got even weaker.

Looking back, it was a very high school-ish start to our "boyfriend/girlfriend" status and it makes me feel like a big hypocrite for being so disbelieving about the dramas these teen shows Runner Girl forces me to watch I've been watching. I guess I can't claim to have had the most teen drama free youth after re-living that sweet little scenario.

But, it fades somewhat in the telling too, I think. Because, really, it was the sweetest thing. We had a great time together.

Right up until he dumped me.

Because he had to focus on his sports.

Younger guys... pfffft.

Excuse my French on This One

I was driving home from Teh Work the other day when Pink Floyd's Time came on.

(I just have to interrupt myself here for a second to say that Pink Floyd is one of my top four favourite bands, and Dark Side of the Moon is one of the greatest albums ever. If, for some reason, you don't already have it, go get it already. Seriously.)

As I was listening to this song for the four hundred gazillionth time, I realized that all of a sudden I was getting a whole different take on the lyrics.

Here's the part I'm talking about:

And then one day you find ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
I used to hear this part of the song and think "damn, I've missed so much, my life isn't where it should be and it's all just so......sad" Which isn't entirely surprising since a lot of Roger Waters' writing is pretty dark, especially if you're interpreting it from that angle. Which I had been for years. (I still remember the first time I listened to the Wall's closing song and finally heard the hope in it rather than the pain I'd always heard. It's good to know that you can change, you know? Nice.)

(Holy smokes do you know how long it takes to write a post when you keep getting yourself off on tangents? For. Ever!)

As I was driving along I realized that those lines "No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun "used to really ring true with me. But all of a sudden, it struck me that ten?, fifteen? years ago, someone shouted in my ear "RUN! You've missed the starting gun, RUN!" and I did. I ran.

I ran full steam ahead into life, got my degree(s), got my job, nearly got a husband, did it all. Because someone told me it was time to run, I had to catch up, I'd missed the starting gun.

Now, all of a sudden I heard those lyrics and I stopped*.

"Why am I running?" I asked myself. "Why am I caught up in racing somewhere?"

This isn't a race I chose to be in. I just ran because someone told me to.

"Society", in all its incarnations, told me it was past time, it was already too late.

Fuck that, I say.

I'm out. Y'all go race your race. I'll be over here enjoying my life from my own path. Thanks for the thought, but next time someone tells me to run, I'm going to ask what the race is all about and I'm going to figure out if it's actually one I want to be in.

Life's too short to just keep running blindly.

I'ma gonna play this my way now.

Thanks, Floyd.



Oh, and by the way, which one's Pink?**




*Metphorically, of course, I was driving after all, sillies.



**Obscure Floyd reference for those of you out there equally obsessed with Teh Boys.

E is for Elevators

Do people really have sex on them?

Don't they kind of make you sick with that stomach lurching thing?

And, do you, like....stop them mid-floor or something?

Am I missing something?

It just doesn't seem all that appealing to me.

Help me out here.

Funny You Should Mention That

So I had a bit of an up and down week last week. Work had big stuff that I was worried about (but pulled off nicely with some awesome help) and I've been all over the map with regards to Bird.

Ok, maybe not all over the map... I feel like I spent this week wishing things were different and trying to magically change them; like, maybe if I word things *this* way he'll open up about things.

Of course, I knew better, which made the self-pity and slight moping worse. So after feeling a little bit like I've thrown myself at this guy (exaggeration, I know, I'm allowed to exaggerate, it's my story!) this week, I've promised myself I won't initiate contact any more. He knows my number(s), he has my email, he even knows where I live. If he wants to be friends (or more), he can call me.

Sigh.

It's just that when you get to that point with a guy who's not all that interested in you, the "wait and let him come to you" point, it really gets driven home that he's not all that interested. At least when you're calling him and stuff you can pretend he's interested.

Yes, sometimes we really are that pathetic, us girls. It might be genetic. I haven't done enough research.

But anyway, I was on one of my downswings earlier this week and a mutual friend of Bird's and mine (holy smokes, that sentence made no sense) a mutual friend of ours came on line while I was noodling about in Gmail. (Gmail has chat, did you know? Neither did I!) We got to talking and I told her I was happy to see her since I was kinda down with boy problems.

"Oh," she says, " didn't know you had a guy, you didn't tell me!"

"I don't have a guy," I said, "just thinking too much about one."

"Hey, you know what's funny?" She says. "I've always thought you and Bird should get together, you're both so sweet."

I think I may have snorted with the irony.

"Funny you should mention that....I've actually thought that myself."

Oh Universe, you're so funny.

Sigh.

Strange But True Thing I Discovered Accidentally All By Myself #342

If you drink Sprite while chewing a certain type of mint gum it will taste exactly like a gin and tonic.

Knowing Better is Only Half the Battle

So, "walk away", say the instincts.

The instincts are pretty darn sure that following the whole Bird thing any further will end up in me feeling hurt and disappointed and let down, and then, most likely, mad at myself.

But knowing better is only half the battle.

I can sit here and tell myself that Bird's just not that into me.

I can sit here and tell myself that while I was wondering about him, he was dating someone else.

I can sit here and remind myself of the ways that Bird seems to be a little bit of a bad boy and how he reminds me of DD and some of the other guys I chased when I shouldn't have.

I can sit here and *know* that I shouldn't go any further down this path with a guy who isn't fully, totally respectful of me.

But knowing better is only half the battle.

I still have to do better.

But oh, the old habits and familiar patterns are so easy to fall into. And they feel so comfortable, even knowing that they'll most likely end up badly.

I promise you and I promise myself that if I don't start letting things slide in this next week? I'm going to take his number out of my cell phone for a while and I'm going to try really hard to be "busy" if he calls to hang out.

But damn, that's going to be hard.

What is it about the guys who don't want you that can be so appealing?

And why do they have to smell so good.

The Other Update

What ever happened to those other guys, anyway?

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, Runner Guy just stopped calling. Or emailing, or texting. The first time he said he'd call and didn't. I decided to be nice since we were "just friends" and sent him an email checking in and he emailed back but that's the last I've heard from him. I thought he might email while I was away, but he didn't, and I kind of figure if you don't notice when a girl's out of the country? You're probably not that interested in her.

Young Buck co-worker guy also hasn't contacted me again. I emailed him after we all hung out and thanked him for coming out and never heard back from him. I did hear, however, that he went out for coffee with one of the other girls who'd been at the pub with us so hopefully that'll go well for the two of them. Again, I'm maybe a little miffed from a politeness point of view, but I don't think it was in the cards for us anyway.

I've been emailing Runner Girl's "sweet buy shy" friend for the past month or so and we all hung out this past weekend. I don't really know what else to say there, so we'll just see if we hang out again. At the very least, Runner Girl's friends are cool people and I found out that I'm really not very good at Wii.

So that's it. Nothing terribly exciting, which is fine with me. No huge love life issues, which means no drama, which means I feel pretty sane.

Which is always good.

Bird Part 2

So, Bird and I are talking this weekend and he shares with me that he started, or had been seeing a mutual friend of ours.

Which is disappointing in and of itself, but is made triply so because while he was seeing her, I was wondering about him. Hello ego blow. Hello, I knew he wasn't interested in me. Hello, I feel stupid now.

But do you know the kicker for me? I had talked to this girl, as a friend, about Bird. To be honest, I don't remember how much I got into it, but I know there was a time, around New Year's where we were all together and I was talking to her about maybe liking him and I got this weird vibe off of her.

At the time, having read the Girl Code book from cover to cover, several times, I knew that if she was interested in him too, she would take the opportunity to tell me. But she talked about her ex and how she missed him so I wasn't sure what the vibe was about.

And then when I was so hurt by Bird not calling, I talked to her about it too and she bitched right along with me about what a jerk he was and how I wouldn't want to date him anyway because then it would be awkward when we all hung out.

And now I discover she was seeing him this whole time.

I've, honestly, never felt so betrayed by another girl before, ever.

I mean, we've all done it; liked a guy a girlfriend liked, but you either don't do anything about it or you let her know and ask if it's ok and how it's going to affect your friendship.

And, sure, I could argue that she and I weren't particularly close, but it's so hurtful to think that I was confiding in someone who was looking me in the eyes, telling me she understood, and the whole time she was trying to build her own relationship with the same guy. I don't get that.

I really don't. Where's the honesty. We're not in high school here. We're not in Laguna Beach either, for that matter.

And I sort of knew that a friendship with her wasn't something I was going to pursue even before New Year's because I'd talk to Bird and our friends and she'd have asked them all to hang out and do something but the phone call wouldn't have made it to me. And the girl radar in that situation pings and says "chick is trying to horn in on your man" even when the man's...well, not yours. I had that vibe from her, but thought she wasn't like that, and thought that for all the times we talked about her ex there was no way she was dating someone new. It didn't even occur to me that she might be lying. There was just that odd feeling in the pit of my stomach.

So sitting there last weekend with Bird and hearing all of this I didn't know what to think. Of her, of him, of myself.

And of course I spent a few minutes beating myself up for being all gooey over a guy who had shown no signs of interest in me. But it's hard to stop feelings that are already there.

And the instincts? They say walk away. Be friends with this guy, maybe, but only if there's no emotional, physical connection that's going to mess you up.

Just Breathe

So, Bird.

Sigh.

I've known Bird for a while now and while we don't really spend a lot of time together socially, we run into each other about once a month or so and it's always nice to hang out.

I feel really comfortable around Bird, and I've always been really straight with him about where I'm at and how, while I was attracted to him, I didn't want to "get together" with him because it was a habit I was trying to break, and oh, I dunno, the little fact of him never responding with a "gee, yeah, maybe we should take a shot at a relationship" or anything.

(Hi. I'm not making sense, I know. Just pretend I am, okay? Thanks.)

A few months back, Bird and I made plans a couple of times to hang out one on one, not with our normal group. I was looking forward to it because at the best I figured it could be the start of something and at the worst, I knew it'd be cool to hang out as friends.

But then Bird didn't follow through on our hanging out. And I got disappointed and hurt and, I guess, frustrated that I'd considered putting myself out there emotionally with someone who would just not call when they said they were going to.

So I went through a rough time of feeling frustrated and feeling awkward and bitter when I had to see him and then I decided to just move on; that he wasn't worth it.

And then I started hanging out with Runner Guy. (Who, by the way, has just stopped calling or emailing. And while I'm not entirely surprised, it still seems a little rude and sudden to me, but..."whatever" as the girls from The Hills might say)

But I missed the closeness Bird and had and the friendship we'd started so when we were all hanging out last month I got up the courage to pull him aside and say "Hey, what happened sucked and I'm hurt and I thought we were starting to be friends." And so we talked it over and hugged and made up and it was really good to clear the air although I never really got a clear understanding of why he hadn't followed through, I really didn't feel it was worth hashing over and creating drama about. So I moved on.

And started having feelings for Bird all over again, but not in any way that was uncomfortable, just in a sort of back of my head "I wonder if he'd be a good guy to date, he sure is attractive and gives good hugs" kind of way.

And then Bird got hurt. Ended up the hospital after an accident kind of hurt and all of a sudden this big guy was all vulnerable and in pain and something snapped in me and all I wanted to do was kiss it all better for him.

I know...such a girl, right? Damn.

So we decided to hang out and I was reluctant because he didn't follow through last time, but was also willing to give him and our friendship another shot. (With that voice in my head also talking very loudly about all the "and what if's", of course.)

So last weekend we grabbed a movie and hung out at my place. And after the movie and some innocent (no, really) snuggling, we talked for a while. And this is where the post should really. I just had to give you the background story.

More Bird talk tomorrow...and probably the next day. This one may take me a few days to get through.

I'm not teasing y'all, I just really don't want to make you read a ten thousand word essay, you know?

Plus, this apartment won't clean itself.

Hold off on the yelling at me for a few days, would ya? My head kind of hurts today and I'm not sure I'm up for the wrath of y'all.

Random

Hi.

My name is Victoria.

I need you to do one (or possibly more) of the following:

-stop me from continuing to watch Season 2 of Laguna Beach on mtv

-love me anyway as I continue my obsession with Laguna Beach and The Hills even though we both know it's warping my pretty little mind.

-warn me that my instincts are probably right on when it comes to dating Bird. (I'll know who Bird is. You won't. That's just going to have to be the way it is for now.)

-remind me that there really is no need to call Smith and point out that I don't think I can find his email or phone number anymore anyway.

-take away some of the junk food from my pantry closet.

-not be confused with the fact that I just told you I was in Cuba, yet this photo is from Mexico.

-explain to me just how old Santa is supposed to be. I mean, I know he's all ageless and all, but he must have frozen in age at some time. Is he in his 60s? 50s? What...

-clean my apartment so that I can sit on the couch and write some damn posts already.

Finish This Sentence

When I hear my neighbours having sex I _______________________.

My Holiday. Point Form.

I went to Cuba.

It was awesome.

I've always wanted to go, so when the opportunity arose, I jumped at the chance.

Its capital city, La Habana, (Havana) is one of the most amazing, most interesting cities I've ever visited. I'll have to go back, I had no idea.

I was surprised by how lush the land was. And hilly. And green. Did I mention the trees? Everywhere?

It wasn't at all what I expected but somehow still was everything I'd expected.

I snorkeled for the first time since I was a teenager and I'm very glad I did. It was an 85 year old British man that convinced me I must; he said it was some of the best snorkeling in the world.

I met some very cool people and re-reminded myself that no matter where you go, we're all just the same when you get right down to it.

The music was fantastic. We don't dance enough around here.

I feel incredibly lucky to have experienced this country at this stage, I don't know if things will change, but I'm glad I was able to be there now regardless.

Much much more to say, many many more pictures to post but I'm still catching up with things.

Traveling will do that. . . but it's oh so very worth it.

Life is good.

Instinct

I'm trying to trust my instincts more when it comes to relationships and the men I choose to be in relationships with.

I didn't do very well with this in my last relationship. My instincts told me early on that this wasn't someone I wanted to trust my life to, but I focussed on the "what might be" instead of what was and I focussed on the dreamy promises and feelings rather than what was actually happening.

I'm not going to do that again. Or, I'm at least going to make sure I'm checking in with my gut regularly and figuring out what it's telling me, or trying to tell me.

I'm not sure runner guy's that interested in me. It's in the way the emails and phone calls have dropped off. It's in the way he's no longer going out of his way to make time to see me. And that's ok. I'm going to listen to my instincts on this one and I'm not going to push things and I'm just going to see where it goes; or doesn't go. I'm ok with it. I didn't rush in to things so I won't be hurt if he isn't interested in pursuing things.

My instincts seem to be telling me that he's not the right guy for me right now and that I should just let things slide. Because these things have a way of working themselves out and there's no need for me to force happy endings where they don't belong.

Going to keep on checking in and trusting those instincts. That doesn't mean it's easy. But it does become clearer as you slow down and listen.

What are *your* instincts trying to tell you?