Bumpy and Rough

Can't figure out if I should say I'm having a rough time of things or if I'm in a bumpy patch or what, so let me just say that things this last week have been bumpy and rough. Roumpy. But, no, "roumpy" sounds fun and this hasn't been.

Sure, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself but you'll have to indulge me on that because I do a fair amount of "Well let's just put on a smile and things'll get better!" and that hasn't helped. This week was tough.

I kind of feel like Bird's accident tilted things just enough that the whole balance got shifted into the sad; the melancholy and that maybe it's all part of the plan, the much lauded capital J Journey that we're said to be on for me to ride this out. To let the melancholy be here until something clicks.

Which I think they did this weekend, but I'm just not sure yet what to make of it.

I did have a great weekend last weekend, but the sadness (which is a sort of generalization, it's more of a pain/loss/sadness/hurt amalgamation really) of the Grey's finale and Lost finale stuck with me all week and things kept on happening to make me feel very (how do I put this?) alone. No, that's not quite right, that made me feel (and this is when it's hard to talk about work without talking about work) unappreciated and made me question myself and my seeming need to fix everything for everyone in the entire universe without them even knowing things needed fixed or asking me and holy crap did I feel awful by the end of the week.

But, to my credit, I asked a friend for help. Asked if we could get together this weekend to talk about it. Asked if she'd be a sounding board and listen and maybe hand me a kleenex or two while I cried.

And you may not know this about me, but that's a big deal for me. To have asked for support and help instead of just keeping whatever it is inside and not. . . sharing.

And then there was other stuff this weekend, a trip to Vancouver that was supposed to be fun but took a turn when my travelling companions bailed out at the last minute and the only thought I had going through my head as I headed out the door on my own was "I don't have anybody."

"I don't have anybody to do this kind of thing with. I don't have a single best friend I can call on on short notice to keep me company when I have to drive to Vancouver by myself. I don't have a boyfriend to call on the trip to talk to or to come with. I don't have anybody."

It's a thought that goes through my mind from time to time accompanied by the other hurtful thought that I'm not anybody's "person." My friends are all coupled, and so they all have their person and I'm pretty sure I've talked about this here before and been told that, no, that's not true, not all couples have their romantic partner as their main go to to talk person, but that's how it is in my world. Or at least that's how it feels.

So I went by myself and tried my best to make it ok. Had some good moments listening to a Vinyl Cafe CD that made me laugh and to the John Mayer mixed CD I must have listened to five times and I let myself eat candy and even when there was a one sailing wait when I showed up almost an hour early for the 7 and then when the 9 arrived it didn't unload for half an hour due to a "police incident" I still laughed with the people waiting in their cars and was very positive and upbeat about this all because look at me such a big girl doing things on my own and aren't I mature and, and, and, well it still felt lonely a lot of the time and there was no one to turn to for reassurance when the GPS took me down the weirdest streets ever and I thought for sure I was lost. There wasn't anyone to laugh with about it after. No one to share with.

That's a lot of it. No one to share with.

Other than you. And not that there's anything wrong with sharing with you and it does give me an outlet to do so which I appreciate, but you're not here and you're not able to give me a back rub when I get stressed out about missing the ferry and I can't hear your laugh and you don't kiss me like the couple I sat behind on the ferry ride home. Because of course I sat behind a new, happy couple on a weekend of fighting off melancholy and sadness and aloneness and all.

And then my friend, the one I'd asked to hang out with me? Didn't call. And I know she has a family and something probably came up but it was bad timing because it fueled the fire of whatever it was that's been on me all week.

So a long rambling post to say I'm a little bummed. Well, somewhere between a little and a lot bummed. I'm bummed. I feel like it's just me when you get right down to it and it's a sad thought to accept.

My hope is that once I accept it, there'll be a peace. Or something. Less hurt. Less sadness.

Because it is what it is.

And to leave you with what was most definitely the highlight of my weekend and two hours worth of laughing (and just the smallest bit of crying) and awesomeness, if there's any chance you can get to see the musical The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee do it. Totally do it.

I wish I'd known about it sooner cuz I'd have gone back to see it again.

Anyhow. Here's to a better week.

P.S. The Cinematic Orchestra's album "Ma Fleur" was Sunday's soundtrack. It was the exact mood I was in exactly. Hurt. Haunting. Sad. Maybe a little bit angry underneath.



Cinematic Orchestra - To Build A Home (feat. Patrick Watson)

S-M-R-T

You guys?

I pulled on a door.

It didn't open.

So I pulled on the other door.

It didn't open either.

That's when I looked down.

And saw the "PUSH" sign.

I'm smart.

In fact, I'm the superhero of smart.

Question For You

When do you write your blog posts?

Or Maybe It's Just About Respect

A week or so ago, a hornet somehow got caught inside my apartment.

Well, it could have been a wasp, I don't know, I didn't ask to see any credentials.

And, yes, I'm aware that this photo is of neither a hornet nor a wasp, but I'm allowed some creative freedom here people. In fact, in the spirit of King Henry the 8th, he of whom I've been watching much television of late I hereby declare myself the Supreme Ruler and Duchess of This Blogdom and none of you get to question my yellow/black/flying thing knowledge amen.

Anyhow, somehow the wasp/hornet got itself inside and couldn't find the way back out. Now, I'm pretty good at helping buggy type animals back outside, but when they're stingy type ones (don't tell me hornets/wasps can't sting, I'm the Supreme RULER!) I get a little nervous, so after a couple of attempts at getting him to jump on a magazine and ride it back to an open window I gave up. My solution was to open the window he was batting himself against and close the blind, hoping he'd figure it out and just walk DOWN already.

I didn't see/hear him the next day so I figured he'd made his escape and went on with my day.

Saw him again a few days later though. He hadn't managed to get out at all and I was feeling sorry for him because it was probably four or five days since I'd first seen him and he must be starving and stressed out, not to mention tired.

And tired he was, because I was finally able to coax him onto a piece of paper where he just sat panting until I shook him back outside.

And then he flew away to live happily ever after.

I was proud of him/her for keeping on trying and I was proud of me for helping him finally get back where he was supposed to get instead of either letting him die or squishing him like most people would have done.

I guess it's what I'd hope someone would do for me were the situation somehow reversed or something.

Romping

A friend at spy work has been raving about The Tudors since I've known her, so I thought I'd give it a try and have since seen a few episodes.

So far, there's been so much romping in the episodes I've seen that I've decided that in my next life I'm coming back as Henry VIII so I can sleep with whomever I want, whenever I want.

And then have them beheaded if it so pleases me.

Good

I had a good long weekend. It felt long and busy enough to make it feel like ages since I'd been at work but relaxing enough to feel like a break.

I slept in, which was super nice. Spent about two hours yesterday morning just hitting snooze over and over and over. It felt like the most indulgent thing.

I had an amazing brunch on Sunday and enjoyed a nice walk around downtown in the surprise sunshine, seeing all the visitors who were here for the parade or on a cruise ship or for the boat show or just because.

I went for a good long walk on Saturday, did about 7k of the 10k course. Listened to a Vinyl Cafe podcast while I walked, and why have I never thought of doing that before? (It was funny, walking along and laughing out loud to stories only I could hear.)

On Monday, (wait, was that yesterday?), I had a couple of things I wanted to buy downtown, so I got up (after the endless snooze hitting) and headed downtown. I figured I'd missed the parade, but I was happily proved wrong and got to see the last forty-five minutes worth or so.

(My favourite float was the Highlanders - our local, hunky, fit, cute soccer team. My favourite high school band was harder to call, I liked the ones that looked like they were all really having fun and the ones that played modern, fun music. Hmmm, there seems to be a "fun" theme going on with my band choices eh?)

One evening, maybe it was Friday, (as I said, the weekend felt long so the days are all kind of rolling together) I walked down and picked up a pizza from the place that is my new heaven since I've been allowed back on gluten and yesterday I got my first waffle cone of the season from Sweet Memories, so I feel like I got some good eating into the weekend as well.

Plus, good reading. (Oh, and I went a little book buying crazy which is one of my indulgences and sweet sweet delights.)

And, of course, I watched some really good tv.

There was Grey's Anatomy that had me sobbing on Friday, and then Lost that had me sobbing all over again on Sunday. I'm maybe a bit closer to the sobbing threshold these days than usual, or maybe both finales were hyper emotional, I don't know. I won't talk about them here because there's nothing worse than being a few days behind people on the tv watching schedule and finding out things you didn't want to know on line by accident.

I also got to do my groceries and hang out with C-dawg and celebrate a birthday and take some good pictures.

So, as you can see, er, read, I had a really good Victoria Day long weekend.

Hope you did too.

Intense

So it's Friday.

And I know I usually post in the mornings, but it's been a long week. It's been a long week emotionally and I'm really looking forward to this three day weekend. Anyway, these things aren't related and who cares if I usually post in the mornings, you're getting a post right now and you'll like it gosh darn it.

Sigh.

The Eddie Izzard show last night was great, it was funny and silly and my whole head hurt from smiling so much. (No, seriously, the back of my head hurt from smiling. Still does. Is there like a "head smiling muscle"?)

At super spy work today, someone asked me if I'd seen the Grey's Anatomy season finale. I hadn't, because, of course, I was laughing my head nearly off at the show, so today, I came home, got comfy and watched the finale.

Intense.

So so intense. No spoilers here, but the acting was great and watching it was harrowing.

I cried and cried and cried. And I think I needed that.

I hadn't cried much about Bird, kind of tucked it all away and tried to be positive and get on with things, so I think watching the show was an emotional way to release. Or a way to emotionally release. Or something.

I know, I know, this post is all over the place, isn't making any sense, doesn't have to. So totally doesn't have to.

But allow me to summarize for those of you who're trying to pass the pop quiz.

1. Eddie Izzard made funny jokes about how weird it is that our city is named after a person and all I kept thinking while he was making the jokes was "heh, my name's not really Victoria but it is! Heh. Heh."

2. Eddie Izzard was funny and it was kind of like sharing a hilarious inside joke with a few hundred other people. (I think you either know who Eddie is and know all his old tours word for word or you have no idea who he is and why people think it's funny to say "cake or death")

3. This really isn't a summary is it. Oh well.

4. Grey's Anatomy season finale was great. Intense. Harrowing. Emotional. Tough to watch. Well written, acted, etc.

5. I cried a lot while watching it.

6. This is probably good.

7. And now I'm really tired.

8. And kind of want to go to bed.

9. Even though it's sunny out and I used to hate when my parents sent me to bed when it was still sunny out.

10. I'm looking forward to the LOST finale too, even though it'll probably be intense too. And I bet I cry.

11. I don't want to talk about Bird anymore. He's being moved out of ICU in the next few days and it'll be a long, long recovery and I don't want to talk about it anymore and wish I could stop thinking about it and hope that soon I stop getting struck by it randomly throughout the day.

12. I think I will. Let's pretend point #11 isn't there.

13. I'm going to stop now.

14. Maybe this is why it's best I post in the mornings and not after watching some seriously intense tv.

15. Happy Friday.

There

So I figured I'd post today, before I get to a point where I can't post because I don't know how to say anything without talking about Bird so I'm posting.

I'll let you know if there's anything major, but for now Bird's survived the first 72 hours post accident and I was told that was key. So I guess there's that.

I was super grumpy yesterday and then came home and crashed out on the couch, so I guess there's a physical part to emotional stress and strain that you forget about.

In other news, I'm going to see Eddie Izzard on Thursday, so that'll be fun. And I bought exactly $26 and 26 cents worth of groceries yesterday so that was cool.

The weather's a little bit confused, but I'm enjoying the sunny moments when they're here.

Huh. There's an obvious metaphor I didn't even intend there but will now roll with and is it seriously only a couple more weeks til June?

Unsure

One minute I'm fine, happy. Light thoughts and easy. The next moment I'm worried, wound up anticipating the next ring of the phone and what it might be saying.

Bird was in an accident. I got the phone call Saturday.

I don't know how he is, it's touch and go, so I don't know what to write right now, don't know what to say because one moment I'm fine and the next it feels disrespectful to feel fine.

As I'm writing this (on Sunday evening) there's a party going on next door. Music, voices raised, laughter; life goes on. There are these tragedies happening every day and we never know, our lives just go on and that's how it should be. Someone's dying possibly faster than nature would intend and people are throwing a party, people are getting drunk and throwing their windows open to enjoy the spring air.

It's ok. I'm ok. Just waiting and the waiting's hard.

So there may be posts, there may not, because some moments I'm ok and some moments it doesn't feel right to be ok.

There's a little piece of my heart just waiting to hear either way.

I'm not sure what it means that I was just thinking of him and now this. Maybe it's a reminder to just love people and not get so wrapped up in the littleness of what wasn't because it can be all too short.

Sorry, I maybe shouldn't have shared, shouldn't have worried you too, but I wanted you to know why there weren't posts in case there weren't posts, so now you know I guess. It's just that the things I'd like to write about, I don't quite feel like writing about. We'll see.

Um

Ok, so the gluten challenge has been had and the results are in.

And while they're still fairly grey and a little inconclusive, they're a dark enough colour of grey (man, that's a bad metaphorical attempt to say they're leaning towards one thing rather than being completely neutral) that the specialist thinks that I don't have Celiac disease.

I'm kind of a little bit "huh?" in a happy sort of cautious way and know that I still have to keep an eye on things and watch what I eat and etc. etc. but all in all I'm relieved. It's so much easier to be able to eat a low gluten diet and watch what I eat rather than have to eat gluten-free and be so restricted. I can eat out. I can eat at friends' houses. I can eat! Yay! It's a huge weight off my shoulders.

But, speaking of weight, now I have to deal with the weight I put on while going whole hog gluten crazy.

Le sigh.

Worth it though.

Mentally Preparing

I have a few posts I've been meaning to write; stories to tell and things to talk about, but I can't yet bring myself too.

I think maybe I don't have the mental energy right now to get it all out. Does that make sense to you or only to me?

I mean, not that they're necessarily anything big or serious or overwhelming, just that they take more telling than I seem to have the brain power for right now.

Random thought change: do you ever wonder how freaky it would be if you could *actually* read people's minds? Like, there are ten thousand things going on in my mind at any one moment and I think if someone else had to listen in on my mind they might explode.

Unexpected

I wish I could remember the exact moment because then I could maybe figure out why, but I found myself the other day, suddenly, intensely, missing Bird.

I don't know if I saw something that reminded me of him or what, but I suddenly missed whatever it was that we had and whatever it was that I thought we might eventually have.

And even knowing how wrapped up and confused and upset by it all I got, just in that moment I would have given anything to do it all over again, to have him around, to feel attracted to him despite knowing better again.

It was really weird and unexpected.

And now the feeling's gone again.

Maybe I'm lonelier than I thought.

Flat

I had a flat yesterday.

Never had one of those before.

It wasn't, like, completely flat, just noticeably not round.

Apparently it's not a good idea to drive it partly flat to the dealership.

But how are you supposed to know you've got a flat unless you're actively looking at your tires each time you go to drive?

Dude.

I'm so confused.

Not just about the flat.

Sleep Deprived. Or Maybe Just Deprived.

I did not have a good week last week sleep-wise.

Didn't seem to matter how exhausted I was, I could not seem to fall asleep.

It was weird though, because I also wasn't awake enough to bother getting out of bed and deal with the non-sleeping like they say you're supposed to which would mean I was waking up when my alarm went off with just a few hours of sleep under my belt, going to bed exhausted the next night and still not sleeping and certainly not falling asleep as exhausted as I was.

Things seemed to improve near the end of the week (a co-worker actually commented that I seemed happier and back to myself on Friday) and I'm hoping this week is better.

Now that doesn't mean I'd give almost anything to be asleep in bed right now because I oh so totally would.

Strange thing is? I have a sneaking suspicion that on the weekends where I sleep in as much as I want, or on the days I nap, it throws my sleep off for the rest of the week, so I'm not even sure that it'd be a good idea to be asleep right now.

Especially since then I couldn't be typing this.

Except when I type posts when I'm tired they tend to not make as much sense as they could.

But maybe that's not saying much.

I really don't know how new parents do it.

Some Things Never Change

I had a craving for and so then went and bought some giant cola bottles.

You know, the chewy candy that sort of vaguely tastes like cola but is in the shape and coloured to look like a cola pop bottle?

Yeah, and as I was eating the first one, I found myself remembering something I did as a kid.

I tipped the gummy bottle as if I was drinking the cola out of it before biting into the thing.

Apparently that's the best way to eat them.

Go try it!

And don't forget to say "glug, glug, glug" as you're fake drinking the cola. Otherwise it's not as much fun.

Rhetorical?

I watched Whip It the other night; a movie I'd been looking forward to seeing since I saw the trailer ages ago.

I read the book while I was waiting for the DVD to be released and reading the book made me look forward to the movie even more.

Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, but it just wasn't as good as the book. I enjoyed the book way more.

Which got me thinking and wondering. . . when was the last time I read a book and liked the movie better?

I couldn't come up with any off the top of my head and still can't a few days later.

So perhaps this is a rhetorical question, but is a movie ever better than the book?

What I Need Is A Good Defense

'Cuz I'm feeling like a criminal. . .

I've been living on borrowed wifi for the past week.

I've been sneaking on to a neighbour's wireless network cuz mine's been down. Like, way down. As in, when I called them they told me it'd be a week before they could fix it. Cables, they said. Digging, repairs. Serious stuff.

When I asked them what I was supposed to do until then, they suggested I use dialup.

Um. Seriously?

Fortunately, I've been able to keep up with posting and uploading photos, but I've been feeling guilty about it. I don't like doing things sneakily.

But, really? Dialup?

*shudder*

It's enough to turn one to crime.

A criminal mind, is all I've ever had. Ask one who's known me if I'm really so bad. I am.

Pants!

I was walking along behind a young couple the other evening and I noticed that the gentleman kept on pulling up his pants.

It became even more amusing to me when his pants got low enough that I could see they had a belt looped through the belt loops.

I'm not sure what's going on with today's youth, but apparently no one is teaching them what, exactly, belts are for.

Because they sure as heck weren't holding up this guy's pants.

Which, you know, is kind of what I thought they were for?

But maybe I'm just old fashioned that way.

Yawn, Blink

There was a day last week, and I can't quite remember what day it was, but when I came home from work it was super sunny and lovely.

Once I'd done everything I needed to do, I lay down in this gigantic beam of sunlight that was shining through my window and I took an actual cat nap, just like cats do, in the sun.

I now completely, utterly understand why cats do it.

It's so dreamy and warm and cozy.

Purr?

Whew

I'm really glad that I don't have allergies. (Knock on wood and all sorts of other things to avoid the "now I've said it it'll happen" curse.)

The reason I say this now is that there's a film of pollen over everything right now.

Over my car, over my windows, settling on my windowsills.

Whenever I see it, or dust it up or wipe it off, I'm always glad that I you know what (please see above so I don't repeat myself and therefore further attract a possible reverse curse.)

For those of you for whom Spring is rotten due to the plants and flowers and trees and such, I'm really sorry. I can only imagine how icky it must be.

Now excuse me while I go write messages in the pollen dust on my car.

P.S. Happy May!

I Thought It Was About Tigers Or Something

Ok, you know how we tell each other everything?

Or, how I, at least, tell you pretty much almost everything?

Yeah, well, this one's a hard one to admit.

So, you know that Van Halen song? Um, you know, the one with the lyrics that I've always sung as "Animal"?

You know. . . "Animal. duh duhhhh duh duhh. An I Maa aaal."

Um.

Well apparently it's Panama.

Panama.

Not animal.

Ahem.

Next you're going to tell me Bon Jovi's *not* singing "Like a cowboy, on a steel horse highrise."

Oh Yeah

I forgot to tell you, but I did, finally, get around to buying myself those flowers you told me to.

When I was buying them I purposely thought "These are the flowers they told me to buy to cheer me up."

And you're right, it did feel good and made me smile.

So thanks.

I kind of feel like y'all bought me flowers. And I love 'em. Thanks.

They're purty and so are you!

(Except for the ruggedly handsome men who read this site, you're not purty, you're handsome and manly)