Monday, 29 February 2016

Happy Leap Day!

I was totally going to write about something else but then I looked at the date and it's a leap year extra day!  YAY!

So, happy February 29th!  Funny!

Saturday, 27 February 2016


As I've maybe mentioned before, I tend to manipulate my alarm clock.

It's not at the "proper" time (it's pushed forward), and I re-set the alarm time at least once, by an hour, to give myself a glorious sense of "I still have another hour of sleep to come" in the morning.

Which is why I'm glad that what happened last Saturday happened on a weekend and not a week day.  (Yes, I set my alarm on most weekends.  It helps me sleep better if I keep my sleep schedule as regular as possible.)

Because that morning, I half woke up, saw that it was lightish outside, wondered just how early it was (since my alarm had not gone off yet) and saw that it was nearly 9.


Turns out, in re-setting my alarm before bed that night (something I do every night, if not in the morning after I wake up and get out of bed) I'd set it to six something pm instead of six something am.  Whoops!

I would probably have been ok on a work day, my body tends to wake up around the same time, but still, gave me a little jolt of "oh man... that could have been bad!"

Will double check my time re-setting for a while now I'm sure.

Friday, 26 February 2016

A Difference

I've noticed a difference in something that I don't understand...

When I was a kid, my parents would take me to a class (ballet, swimming, etc.) and drop me off and pick me up when it was done.

There would perhaps be a day during the year when they'd be invited to watch, and often a "show" of some kind at the end of the season (especially with dance.)  But they did not watch my classes.  It wasn't a "thing."

Now, when I talk to my friends who are parents, they all seem to take their children to the classes and then stay for the class.  And I'm not sure why.

Perhaps in some cases it's not worth the drive back home and it's just more convenient to, for example, sit in the dojo or the rec centre but I have to say I feel like it's often more of a hovering thing, an expectation thing.  Or maybe it's a younger kid thing?

I don't know.  But because I remember classes being a "drop off, pick up" kind of thing, I don't understand this seemingly new "I sit through my child's class" thing.

Am I just being weird?  I know there's a new normal with parenting but still....

Thursday, 25 February 2016


One of the things my awesome acupuncturist does during a treatment is acupressure.

It's basically the same as acupuncture but without the needles.  So it's applying a gentle pressure on those points (insert medical information here.)

And it almost always cracks me up.

Not during mind you, but after.  Because there she is just pressing on a point and I'm going OW OW OW!  And I want to laugh because how did she know that exact point would be sore?  Because knowledge!

So, like, she'll be putting this very gentle pressure on this point in the ball of my feet and all I can think is she's barely touching me, why do I want to whimper?  It's hilarious and awesome.

Or she'll ask if this particular point hurts and then press down on a random spot and I'll yelp YES!

It really is quite interesting.  And different from getting a massage.  But whenever she does the points on my head or face I always think to myself that I should go home and book a head/scalp massage because ahhhhhhhh.......

Not hurty, just relax-y.

Wednesday, 24 February 2016


This is for any of my long haired friends, or, really, for anyone who knows the answer to this...

I've been growing my hair for a while now.  Not for any particular reason.  A year or two ago, I (my hairdresser) bleached and then died the underlayer and now it's back to "regular" colour but still bleached under that, if that makes sense.

So that hair is a little more fried than my regular hair.

And here's the thing.  I've noticed that especially with this one scarf I have, an "expensive" one, that section of hair (back under layer) gets all knotted up and scrunched up whenever I wear it!

Whaayayayayayyyyyyyy?  Is it an interaction between this particular material or is it just that my hair is longer?  Is it this bleached hair's coarseness and this scarf? 

Maybe the next time I get my hair trimmed, I'll remember to ask my hairdresser but dudes, it's so weird!  It gets it really all birdsnest-y knotted up and I don't think I move my head around that much.  What's the deal?

It's starting to weird me out.

Tuesday, 23 February 2016


My judgement on this may be clouded by the fact I was woken up from a deep sleep at about three am, but... anyway.
So two drunk girls (I'm assuming drunk because SO LOUD.  Also, three am) were coming home and I was woken up by their loud conversation in the parking lot/back door area of our building.  (I sleep with my windows open even on chilly nights because I love the fresh air!)

From what I can gather, one of the girls felt... left out, or unimportant.  Her complaint was that no one new her.  That no one knows who she was, or her name, or even her birthday.

Which... I'm not really sure how that's an indicator of how well someone knows you (I think I can tell you C-Dawg's birthday but... I'm not 100% sure, and I know her really well and love her dearly.) but this girl was quite certain it meant a lot.

It was hard to tell who was speaking but one of the girls asked the other if she even knew her birthday.

And the other replied with "April 24th"  or something  "April 28th?"  At which point the other girl shrieked.  "HA!  YOU CAN'T JUST WIN THIS ARGUMENT BY GUESSING MY BIRTHDAY!"

So... I guess she was right?  Or something?

They stumbled their way inside not long after this so I didn't get to hear the conclusion of the argument but wide awake now all I could think was that it seemed like a strange thing to bring up as some sort of proof that no one cares about you, or knows you or whatever the initial complaint was.

I don't know people's birthdays!  My computer knows and reminds me and that's how I know.  Before that I had them written down on a perpetual calendar thing.  But I don't KNOW them know them... you know?

Anyway.  I'm not saying drunken three am conversations have to make much sense but I'd be more upset at no one knowing my name than I would about no one knowing my birthday.

And I'm still a little grumpy from the lack of sleep, anyway.


Monday, 22 February 2016

A Corner

This is not meant to be a statement of political intent.  It is just something I noticed and found myself thinking about.

There's a corner in our downtown area that I found myself on this weekend.

Standing on this corner, I could see an old, Anglican cathedral.  One of the more impressive church buildings in town.  A place of worship.  Next to it, on the other side is a graveyard.  A place of remembrance and, perhaps, mourning.  Across from the graveyard there's a gym, filled with people trying to better themselves and get fitter or healthier.  And in the last corner, there's a "tent city."  A collection of people who for whatever life reasons have found themselves without a home and in a series of events over recent months set up a collection of tents and structures in a call for housing for all.

As I said, I am not wanting to get into political debates.  I was just struck with all the different aspects of life on this one corner of this one part of this city.

People struggling.  People worshiping.  People no longer alive.  People working out.

I don't know what the living people on those corners may have been thinking about the other people on those corners.  Were there judgements?  Frustrations?  Did they even notice each other?  How odd our world can be... two buildings where people are likely not worried about their basic survival, right next to a group of people quite possibly worried about surviving the rest of that day.

It's a funny old world sometimes... and it's hard to know the best way to travel through it.

We're all in our own little worlds sometimes.  And all this thinking, just from the intersection of two streets and many different stories.

Saturday, 20 February 2016


So the ant guys got called, and they showed up and did the exact same (useless) thing they did last year.  They laid down sticky traps.

Last year, they caught exactly zero ants, but several silverfish (ick) and the second guy who came out kind of rolled his eyes and grumbled about that being pointless.

Which made me wonder... is this a tactic?  Might the company possibly do this and then have to return (at a second fee/cost) and do something different?

Or maybe in a less suspicious line of questioning... is this just the first line of attack or something?

I'm not really sure of the point of sticky traps... it's not going to stop anything or eliminate any nests or anything....

But, hey, not my area of expertise, I know... just.... wondering...

Friday, 19 February 2016

Insert Mystery Type Theme Song Here

Ok, so.... my neighbourhood seems to have a banana mystery.

Or, really, just one tiny spot in my neighbourhood does.

You see, there's a street I walk along that takes me to the grocery store and I noticed a few weeks ago that one particular tree had a banana peel left at its base.

Some time later (I can't remember if it was days or a day or week or weeks)?  Several banana peels.  (All brown by now)

Next time?  All the brown ones and a newer yellow one!

Someone was eating bananas and disposing of the peels under this one tree.  WHY?  WHY????

Someone else must have noticed because for a few of my walks there, they were gone.

But now?  Peel.

A little further away from the tree but still!  WHAT IS HAPPENING AND WHYYYYY?

I find it a little bit funny, if still littery and lazy but.... really... what is going on in this person's mind?

And why aren't I rich and silly enough to buy a nanny cam to install on the tree so I can find out!  I mean, I suppose it could be my friend Buddy the squirrel or an escaped gorilla or something.  But.... really, I just want to know.  Does the person sit there and leisurely eat and drop?  Or is it a stop on their walk to work and that's just when they're done eating?  WHYYYYY?????

Inquiring minds want to know.

Thursday, 18 February 2016


My alarm clock is set to radio rather than buzz.  I find it a lot less jarring to wake up to singing or talking than to a random scary noise.

But I've noticed something lately and, of course, I'm putting you all to the solving of this situation!

Around the same time each morning, on the x'th time I've hit snooze, the radio comes up off station.

Like, bzzzzzzrrrrrrrrttttttt crackling.

My best guess is that that's when someone upstairs from me gets up and walks somewhere that upsets my radio's.... feed (I can't think of the word.. reception, that's it!) reception.

But, of course, it could be some other much more interesting explanation, right?  Or scientific?

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Stretchy Stretch

One of the (frustrating) things about being in a low place for me is feeling pretty sure that there are physical things I could be doing to feel a little better, but not feeling like I can gather the energy to do them.

I've maintained a twenty or so minute walk (or walk on the spot at least) a day and a time outside for a few months now, and the fresh air especially seems to lighten my mood, even if sometimes I'm throwing on a jacket over my pjs because I just can't be bothered to change into "outside" clothes. 

But the other day I felt the motivation to get some yoga going and pulled out the free app I have on my phone.  It was fine.  It always reminds me how yoga is not easy, despite what the media seems to say about it...

I wanted to make a note of how I felt though, so that maybe I can look back in a while and see progress, since I don't always see the mental or emotional progress I make.

So.... I made it through the yoga app program.  And I felt pretty stiff and weak!  And when I was done, my shoulder tried to seize up but I managed to walk that off (thought for a moment there that I might have done myself in.)  Day two of it felt similar... weak and a lot less flexible than I know I've been in the past. 

I'm not going to be hard on myself or beat myself up, rather I'm going to lounge around in how good I feel after finishing.  Because, yes, second day of running through the program I felt pretty mellow after.  Naturally sedated I suppose.  Which felt really very nice.  (Even if a little physically creaky.)

Tuesday, 16 February 2016


I know it's a pretty hard thing to ask because everyone's taste is so different, but does anyone have a good tv series they'd recommend?

I know, I know, you don't know what I like or what I've seen which makes it harder... I've seen a lot of good shows lately but they've all been kind of... stressful!  Which is fine, but I'd like some happy for a change, I think.


Monday, 15 February 2016

Itsy Bitsy And All That

Well the plus side of the rain coming back has been that the ants have stayed hidden.

But since we seem to have skipped winter entirely this year, I'm sure they'll be back, but the land...lord.. manager type person is going to call the ant guy anyway.  Sorry little guys...

I also realized yesterday that I've made it through what has typically been the harder part of the year for me!  Yay!  I made it through Christmas and Valentine's Day and stuff!

Plus the days are getting longer!  I can see it!  And that's so nice. 

I've had some weird, sort of frightening (stress?) dreams lately, including the one last night/morning that had my family and I on a cruise that was not a cruise it was sort of Titanic like (I don't know what that means) and more like being on a ferry (you just sat in a seat like on an airplane) and we were being taken off like we were being taken to an internment camp or something awful and I was trying to put all my things into a backpack including both of my umbrellas (I don't know!) but I could tell I had a bladder infection and no one else knew the bad guys were bad except me because they were only sort of starting to be mean and so I tried to ask them for cranberry juice or something but then I realized I probably actually had to pee so I woke up instead.  Un fun, man.

I had a really really bad week or so there anxiety/stress/worry wise but felt a lot better this weekend.  A combination of things I like to think.... acupuncture, the herbal thingies she gave me to try, a relaxation exercise I did with my counsellor, and shutting my brain off from thinking about a couple of things for a while. 

Cadbury's Creme eggs have come out again, apparently, but I'm going to continue my dual purposed not eating of them as a sacrifice to the Burning Man ticket gods until after ticket sales from the last few years.  (Bonus being I don't eat my weight in them and save myself the calories, and the possibility that that sacrifice will continue to give me extra ticketing luck.) 

I really do think that my body takes sugar and converts it directly to weight.  I really do.  I don't think that's a thing, particularly, but it would explain some of the weight loss I've seen happen this last little while of being off my usual dosage of sugar.

It's not really something I want to mess with either, but I imagine if I were to have a few of them there eggs post ticket sales my scale might reflect it pretty darn quick.

Which brings me around to.... why is it so easy to do the things we don't really want to do (put on excess weight, be miserable) and so much harder to do the things that are healthy?  It really should be the other way.

Annnnyway....  happy Monday.  Or, happy half of chocolate sales day, if that's your thing!

Saturday, 13 February 2016

They're Baaaaaaaack!

The ants are back.


I told you it has been a particularly mild winter, and I guess with the sunshine (I know, right?) and "warm"ish days we've had of late... the ants... did whatever they do.  (I don't like the term hatched but... yeah)

Put a message in to my building manager and hope the ant guy from last year will come back and this can be a short lived ant season for me.

Fingers crossed, ok?

Friday, 12 February 2016


It's funny, after yesterday's post... I had a session with my very cool new acupuncturist (and by cool, I mean, awesome) and she reminded me that it's ok to rest for times when moving through stuff.  And that it's time for me to put myself first (rather than always fixing/helping/healing others before myself) and that it may all feel uncomfortable and difficult, but I am moving forward and she's "feeling" progress.

And then I got utterly exhausted when my counsellor had me breathe.  Because, yes, that is a major thing for me.  I think I kind of control my breath in order to keep emotions and feelings under control so to be in that kind of a vulnerable space and be asked to breathe aka feel?  Ugh.  HARD.  DO NOT LIKE.

But as they say, the only way over is through...

My homework for the week then is to breathe.  And to stop planning. 

Which kills me.  But as he said, it's clearly not helping.  And if the goal is calm?  Can't keep doing what's got me to where I am.

So I'm going to .... not think about vans and/or DPW and/or Burning Man until I either hear back from DPW, or tickets go on sale, or my counsellor says I can plan again.

Or something.

Which looks on paper a whole lot easier than it feels inside my me.

Why can't it be and feel easier to make positive change?


Thursday, 11 February 2016

I Don't Know

The doctor calls them "panic attacks"  because of the physical symptoms that are manifesting.  I don't know about that and don't like the term anyway, but that's not really the point here.

The point is, as I was going through one of these "feeling really awful" moments yesterday I realized I'm weird about medicating during those moments.

Like, I have some stuff that my doctor gave me ages ago when I was freaking out about flying, but I still haven't ever really used them.  But I also have some natural stuff that was recommended to me and some other natural stuff that my acupuncturist is having me try.

And yet, when I'm in that state of feeling awful, I think I forget.  Or something.  Or maybe I feel like it's not "bad enough"?  Like the times over the last few months when it was really really bad?

I don't know.  I just was curled up on my couch yesterday, trying to take calming breaths and I realized... I haven't taken any sort of medication, natural or otherwise to try to help me through this... what's that about?

So I got up and chewed one of the natural chewy things and put some of the droplet stuff in a glass of water and drank it and maybe it's that I can't tell if they work... there's no instant relief.  Maybe it's that it's a gradual calm that it doesn't seem like something I would think of.  It's not like putting ice on a burn.

Or maybe I want to be stronger than those feelings and force them away myself.

I probably do that with other things at times too, but even with a headache... once it gets to a certain point/level/length?  I'm going for that advil.

Something for me to think about...

Wednesday, 10 February 2016


Well, there's one less thing I'm in limbo over.

Max responded to my message and would rather I completely bypass his camp and crew.


I mean, I understand.  It's his happy place, his space.... but... I can not begin to fathom what has gone on in his brain that he reacts this strongly to even the idea of me being around.

Fine... one thing to say, hey, please don't camp with us, but don't even come by for a visit?  What is so wrong with whatever thoughts he has around me that makes him react this way?

I'm stunned, to be honest. 

And, yes, I know I could completely ignore him and some people might, but I respect Burning Man and what it means to people and I care about other human beings enough to respect the fact that he doesn't want to see me.

Sucks for me.  I connected really well with a lot of the people there, and with the randomness of Burning Man being what it is, it's not so easy to meet up with people or plan to cross paths.  Staying with someone in the same camp doesn't even ensure you'll see each other... just makes it a lot more likely.  So those people that I'd wanted to see and hug and hang out with, I doubt I will be able to this year, all because Max doesn't want to see me around.  That hurts.  Feels a whole lot less mature than I thought he was.

Which then sucks again, because I don't like feeling like I so wrongly misjudged him. 

Perhaps that's the risk of spending so little time with someone and in such a glorious place...  Or perhaps there are some people who really are that different in terms of the face/mask they show and who they are behind it.

But, staying with that particular group of people is something it looks like I won't be doing this Burning Man.  Will just have to find a delicate way of letting the few I really wanted to see know....

And I guess they can keep having their illusion of who Max is and he can keep presenting his mask to them.

Playa provides though, and 2017's a whole new year.

Just saying...

But still.  Ouch.  Really.

Tuesday, 9 February 2016


It sucks to wake up and instantly feel worried/anxious/stressed, it really does.

I'm trying to have fewer mornings like that, and I'm also trying to let things go.

As in... if it's meant to be, it'll work out.

I sent an email to Max to ask if he'd be ok if I decided to camp with his camp at Burning Man this year.  I don't honestly expect him to say yes, I feel like if he's not even able to say hi, he probably won't want to see me in his happy place, and I will give him that space if he wants it...  So that's out of my control for now. 

I sent an email to work people asking about the process of withdrawing from the financial thing, so that's out of my control for now.

Burning Man ticket sale information has gone out and there's nothing I can do but wait for the sale to happen, so that's out of my control for now.

I chatted with the fellow I contacted regarding volunteering for Burning Man and he's sent my name on to someone and says if I haven't heard from him in a month or so to send him an email back, so that's out of my control for now.

I can't go ahead with anything van related until I know what might happen money wise, and all the information I could or perhaps "should" sort through feels like too much right now so I'm avoiding that.  At least for today.

I guess it's a little bit of a limbo.  I'm trying not to stress over things, and I've taken steps forward and am now waiting to hear back.

I do still vacillate between thinking I'll just not bother with a van, or volunteering, or Burning Man, and then thinking I should try.  Each of them still feels really huge and overwhelming, so it's easiest for my poor brain to take a break, or "distract" as I put it, or utilize one of my "survival resources" as my counsellor puts it.  I dunno.

I suppose I'll figure it out or be forced out of it for some reason or another... we shall see.

Monday, 8 February 2016


Madonna - Holiday

It's Family Day.  Which hasn't always been a thing, but is now so yay for that.  Here's to couches and blankets all damn day if I want!

Saturday, 6 February 2016


But what if....

What if I do it and it's awesome?

What if

a) I find the money and it's not a big deal to have withdrawn from that work thing because I'm so happy with my camper van and the times I get to take off for the weekend that I feel that much happier about things I don't miss having the time off?

b) I find a great van that's been taken care of and have it checked out and do all the upgrades Jason's suggesting for safety and comfort and durabilty and that comes out under budget and I have a really solid van that can do long trips taking gear and easily go down some of the not so paved roads we have here that lead to pretty sites.

c) I do whatever conversions to the van to make it warm for maybe Winter camping, but also cool for desert summer camping?

d) I do install a vent and an a/c unit and the solar I'd like to have and get another external solar setup for Burning Man and so it's never too hot in there anyway because I've managed to set it up to be able to be cooled without running a generator or anything?

e) I get someone to do the paint job I've already imagined in my head and it looks super cool and fun and makes me smile every time I see it?

f) I'm super comfortable driving it.  Maybe install a back up camera if that worries me, or, I don't know, extra mirrors or something.

g) I have the most amazing road trip down to Nevada by myself and then feel really proud for having done it?

h) I find out I'm really good at doing this kind of thing and start buying vans to reno and end up being able to make money from that?

i) I relax and trust that everything's going to be ok no matter what I choose to do and that if I go to Burning Man, or don't go this year, both of those choices or decisions will be fine.

j) I have an even better time at Burning Man this year than I've ever had before?

k) Having this van means I travel more and see more things?  I mean, I like camping, but it always feels like a huge deal to have to pack everything and set up the tent and tarp and all the rest.  Maybe with a van I'd just get some food, fill up the tank and go.

l) It turned out to be super awesome to just get to a camp site and not have to do anything?  Other than maybe set up a canopy or something?  To just arrive and be done.

m) I could sit on top of my van to watch the sunset (not sure what the imaginary van will have as a top, that's still under debate... high top?  pop top?  regular top?  I'd really like to have solar, and that may limit things.... I don't know... yet)

o) it all just works?

p) I can relax into this and enjoy it and be proud of myself and doing this?

q) it's one of those things I'd look back on in 5...10 years and wish I had done, rather then wish I hadn't?

r) I win or come into a lot of money unexpectedly and so worrying about the money isn't as big a deal as it might seem?

s) I find out that going on road trips and doing the driving myself is fun?

t) I do get accepted to volunteer for DPW and I take my sweet little car to the desert for a month?  she might die from the dust, or at least be less pretty?  wouldn't it be better and easier and possibly awesomer to have a van?

u) I do end up camping more because when people say "do you want to go camping" I know all I have to do is park my van and I'm super comfy?

v) this van ends up being the way I get to see the Grand Canyon?  because I've always sort of wanted to see it and maybe if I have this van that's totally awesome for long road trips and easy and great to camp with I could do it

w) oh, and Canon Beach in Oregon, that always looks super pretty

x) the bed my van would have would surely be big enough for someone awesome to come with me on my trips and share snuggles with

y) I enjoyed the process of buying, renovating, driving and camping in a van that I decided to take on as a project without having to check in with a bunch of people to see if they thought it was something I should do?

z) it's a really great idea and totally pulls me out of a lot of not happy thoughts and times?

Friday, 5 February 2016


A van?  Seriously?  I'm considering buying a used van?  ARE YOU KIDDING????

Because, no.  Just, no.  This is not in any way a good idea.

a) I've never driven a van, so I probably will hate it and never feel comfortable doing it. 
b) I don't have the money, really to do it
c) I don't even know where I'd park it, nevermind work on it. 
d) I don't know things about vehicles and campers and it all seems like it'll cost way more money than I might be able to find. 
e) I don't know that I trust Jason as much as I'd like to as an expert on this
f) I don't really have anyone else close to me that I feel like I could even talk to about this, nevermind feel supported on about this
g) there's no point.  it's not like I could actually handle getting myself in this van I can't drive down to Burning Man, where it's clearly not going to survive the heat or dust and
h) how am I supposed to decide what kind of van and then to actually know if the person selling it is being honest or if it's a money pit
i) this is all just too much, I have too much going on already and no one is going to Burning Man this year because of the dollar so maybe I'm stupid to want to go
j) I wake up some mornings not wanting to go anyway so maybe I should just... not? 
k) am I really going to start going camping on weekends and things now just because I have this magic van that doesn't exist? 
l) the amount of things I feel like I have to figure out is utterly overwhelming.  I can't even start making a list because it's too much
m) ok, I started making a list about what I might want in a van, but it's clearly going to be too expensive
n) how on earth is any of this going to come together?  the money?  somewhere to put the van?  finding the van?  which one?  fixing it up?  making it safe and comfortable and all of the above?  HOW????????
o) what if it's all a disaster?
p) what if it ends up being a "waste" of money somehow
q) this isn't just as simple as "maybe buying a van", it's maybe find the money (sacrifice), and maybe find the "right" (there is no "right") van, and maybe somehow get myself to a far away place, and then maybe maybe be down there for weeks and then maybe camp with Max's friends that I know but don't really know and at what point does this sound fun?
r) I don't want to go to Burning Man by myself and I don't want to go with a stranger who might be awful
s) I don't want to do something that's going to make me feel and think this miserable for so long... can I do this and be like, this is so much fun and awesome and look I'm learning things?  I don't know?
t) I've made a list that's this long and I feel like I can't just stop now and really have to get to the end of the alphabet
u) the few people I've mentioned it to have all said... why don't you just rent a camper for this year and see how you like it?  Uh... because?  Money?  And... I don't want to?  And, there's a part of me that thinks it would be really really cool to drive down there in a van I made just the way I like it.  Like... I did that.
v) I really dislike how my body reacts when I'm feeling stressed and upset so I tend to avoid things that make me feel this way, and everything about this idea is stressing me, so I feel icky.  I don't think that'll change
w) there are too many decisions and I'm the only one who can make them
x) but maybe a teardrop trailer would be good?
y) if Max hadn't broken up with me, we'd still be camping together and I could probably just fly down to him... oh no, wait, I couldn't... I would have gone on the New Mexico trip and not have the cancelled flights to use... cancel that thought
z) how will I feel if I hate everything about the trip down and the week (or longer) down there and then have to come back to work and it's like I won't like that either and will no longer have the banked time off work coming up because I used it to make this van

So... yeah... that's what I'm up against.  Often from first waking up in the morning til the time I manage to get myself to sleep. 

Which means I'm considering and trying to deal with all of those horrible, not helpful thoughts while reprogramming the way I think about things, while feeling icky in my tummy (simplest way to explain my body's reaction to stress) and still dealing with all of the life things that are hard right now.

Thursday, 4 February 2016

From The Low

So I'm there, in this horribly low place, not seeing any hope or point in anything at all but because I'd set the wheels in motion for maybe doing this volunteering thing, my brain was like, hey, cool, let me worry (read: obsess a bit) over that! 

And so I'm stressing over this thing that isn't happening yet but that stress isn't helping me at all because it's just more misery.  Accompanied by physical discomfort.  (My counsellor and I are talking about this phenomenon/situation right now... it's very interesting.)  And on the second week of very bad days, I'm crying on the phone to Jason and I mention that I can't even figure out how to get myself to Nevada BY MYSELF because I can't.  I can't.  And I can't afford a teardrop trailer and my car can't tow one anyway.  At this point, Jason stops me.

If your car's not rated to tow, stop thinking about towing with it.  It'll break the (insert car information here.)  Ok, fine,  more tears.  Clearly not going to help DPW, because I don't LIKE Burning Man and can't get there by myself anyway.

Ok, he says... but what if... what if you say, bought a van.  And turned it into a camper.  And drove yourself down in that?

To which my miserable brain responded with I CAN'T DRIVE A VAN!  THEY'RE TOO BIG! I'D HIT THINGS.  AND RUN OUT OF GAS!  (No, really, this is what my "unhappy" brain comes up with.... that I will clearly be physically unable to drive a van without scraping it against other cars and hitting curbs.  And that there's no way I'll have enough gas to get from Alturas to Gerlach.  Oh, and nevermind getting through Portland with the bridge and five million lanes and ten million cars.  Can't.)

But, Jason and I ended up talking until three that night.  About this idea.

"You haven't sounded this animated and interested in anything in a long while V."

And it was true, I didn't feel quite so .... dead.

Overwhelmed, sure, but not stuck in that "nothing to get up for" feeling.

So... the idea of maybe getting a van (or conversion van) and renovating it to take me down to the desert (and maybe other places) feels like the thing that saved me from a very very very dark place.

Of course, it's an entirely new set of stresses and thoughts for my "unhappy" brain to run with but at least I was in a different (if not relaxing) spot.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

The Low

So I've had all this going on and all those things combined and I hit some really really low points post Christmas / early January.  Like, really low.  And I don't mean to alarm anyone, because I wasn't wanting to kill myself, I just didn't see the point of being here anymore.  And I was even sort of beyond feeling worried about that.  I didn't know what to do, other than to keep on trying to "get through" it, and Jason was the only person I felt I could talk to in those days and he said a similar thing... "it doesn't seem like you have a reason to live."  Which sounds harsh, perhaps, out of context but was exactly what I was feeling.  This sense of "what's the point of me being here, really?"  No passion, no zest, no people or animals or events I felt I "had" to live for.  And not enough of a sense of hope for anything.  I remember waking up a morning or two and going, you know what?  I don't even want to go to Burning Man ever again.  It's stupid.  No way.  Done. 

And everything was working against me anyway.  My app on my phone that was tracking my daily steps just kept wanting me to take MORE steps week after week and even that little small thing wasn't encouraging, it was just asking too much.  And my stomach didn't want to eat anything.  Or let me swallow it.  So when you're crying over a phone app.... staying alive for what seems like an utterly hopeless and difficult "life" is kind of.... too much.

But I'd had a small idea.  And the idea was to try to think outside of the box and find a way to make my current life/work situation....better.  I thought about what it might be like if I arranged my work schedule to allow me to have all of August off and to then use that time to volunteer for Burning Man's Department of Public Works (DPW)... the people who go down to the desert early to set up the city and then stay after everyone leaves to clean it up and ensure Burning Man leaves no trace.   It's a huge job and one I've always found intimidating, but hey.... it would be a challenge.  And maybe having that once a year would give me something to balance out my not so happy rest of the year.  Maybe?  And so somewhere (before Christmas, actually) I sent a message to a member of DPW I follow on social media.  It was one of the more terrifying things I've ever done, sending that "hi stranger, can I ask you about volunteering with DPW?" message.... because it meant that maybe, just maybe it might happen.

Which sent my mind off on a whirl of possible planning/thinking/worrying.  Sigh.

Because, really?  Was I really thinking of going down to an alkaline desert and "living" there for a month?  The same desert that destroys my hands and fingers and lungs and hair after a friggin week?  And the heat?  And all those people who know each other and not me, and who are tougher than me and have done this before?  FOR A MONTH?  How would I ever come back to work after that, assuming I survived it?

Oh, and by the way, how would I get down there?  Because it's not as if I'd be driving down with Connor, you know, hey buddy, can you drive me and my gear down and then drop me off and then drive back by yourself and then come get me at the end of the Burning Man week?  Cool, thanks.  I still have the flight credit, could I fly to... Reno?  And then what?  Hi stranger, can you come pick me and my stuff up?  Wait, what stuff?  What do you even bring down for a month there?  I already run out of socks for a week there.  And what about the drive itself.  I've never driven that far!  I can't possibly drive all the way to Nevada by myself.  And then arrive... somewhere I've never been before and try to find people I don't know in a place I don't know, are you kidding me????? NO EFFING WAY.

And so I didn't sleep that night.  Or, at least not much.  And I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't happening.  That I'd just sent a message.  That was all.  It might never happen.  To stop worrying about something that was either months away or not going to happen.  That I could worry about things once I maybe heard back from the guy.  Or, you know, in Spring.  Or Summer.

But I did start thinking a lot about the ride down, and that's where the seemingly random idea of looking into a trailer came from.  That maybe I'd throw a little teardrop trailer on my car and... not have to set up my tent every night I was travelling.  Or.... something.

Which then involved money stress.  Because money has been very tight.  I've been enrolled in a savings program through work that takes a chunk of my pay for X number of years and then will allow me to have paid time of for X number of months in the future.  But it means living on a reduced income.  Which is doable.... but not enjoyable.  Plus I made some choices a few years back that put me into my Line of Credit and that stresses me constantly.  So then I'm thinking about this "maybe get a trailer to do the drive you don't feel comfortable doing to get to the place you don't feel comfortable going to" oh, and by the way, it costs money you don't have, unless you pull out of that program and never, ever ever get that paid time off work you've SO been looking forward to.


I didn't hear back from the guy anyway, and fell in love with an ultra lightweight trailer that would cost even more than my car did when it was new (no, I don't magically have that money in the program oh, and US exchange rate too, sorry) and plus, my car isn't rated to tow in North America.  And, no way I could even do this anyway.

And then the lows hit and none of it mattered anyway because...see above.  I didn't even want to go to Burning Man anyway.  It all just was so completely pointless and hopeless.

As you can see, I didn't talk about any of this. I haven't had a day quite like that/those (knock on wood) in a while, and I hope not to again.  I'm going to break off this post now.... will catch you up with what broke me out of that awful funk (for better or worse) tomorrow.

Tuesday, 2 February 2016


I did an experiment yesterday.  I had a not so good weekend with regards to craving/wanting chocolate (specifically a Crunchy bar, go figure) and so I got through the argh of those days (mainly because I didn't have any sugar/sweets/chocolate in my place) and just kind of... toughed my way through.

But yesterday I decided to see what would happen if I did, in fact, have a chocolate bar, so I walked to the store and... they were out of Crunchy bars.  Fine.  Wasn't anything else that particularly jumped out at me and I really only half wanted to do this but I ended up getting one of those ice cream cone things.  Drumstick types. I figured it had some substance to it so would have at least a touch of protein or something and would maybe been more filling than whatever else I might have tried.

I figure it'd probably been three weeks, give or take, since I'd really cut down and I wanted to see how it'd go.

It was gross.

I didn't even really enjoy the first two or three bites, but they were fine and then it was like, oh man.. I have to get through the rest of this, really?

I know I could have chucked the rest out, but I sort of wanted to finish it.  And I feel like I was forcing myself.  It was not enjoyable.  I don't even know if it was that it was overly sweet or just not what I wanted.  Certainly my body wasn't "craving" what it had been craving... which was... odd at the least.

Right after I forced the thing down, I washed it down with water and some salty chips.  (Sure, not terribly healthy but the sugar flavour wasn't awesome either)  I wished that there was some way to sort of un-do it.

I can't say for sure if I felt weird after, maybe a little foggy brained, but that's hard to say... brains can be foggy anyway, and I can't say particularly one way or the other if I was feeling anxious sort of feelings or just worried about something else but I didn't feel OOH AAAH after.  I mean, like after I have a good solid meal with protein, I swear I can actually feel my body feeling better.  I didn't feel that with this.

If anything, it made me hungry, which I'm assuming would be a blood sugar/insulin sort of thing.

I'm sure if I made myself go back to the candy and sugar and pop routines I had I'd adjust soon enough and "enjoy" it but that, I did not enjoy.

It reminds me of my first year on playa, when I'd brought a bunch of candy to nibble on and then found it all too sweet.  I didn't enjoy it... until I got home and ate it all.

So, yeah.  Ick.


I think I'll stick to my sugar free gum, fruit, naturally sweetened cereal, and occasional chocolate milk. Doesn't satisfy me in an emotional way but seems to be fine for my body.

Edited to add:  Also noticing that I for sure woke up wanting sweets this morning.  Wanted jam on my toast (don't have jam), put honey on instead, and still wanted something sweeter.  

Monday, 1 February 2016

Well Then

Well, it's February.  Not that that has anything to do with this post but unless things are going to get much colder, I don't think we're going to see any snow at all here this Winter.  And yes, I'm afraid we do have blossoms already showing.  Sorry.

I was thinking the other day that maybe I should use this blog as a sort of dual purpose thing right now.  Because I do have a lot on my mind and one of the things I have on my mind I feel like I have to do some writing about or journalling about to maybe figure it out and hey... I could just as easily babble type here and then press publish and, well, then there'd be more for you to read.  Or not. 

Might mean changing the title of the blog to "Thing Victoria is Thinking About Right Now" but if you came here to hear about me dating, you might want to shrug that off anyway.  Not on my radar.  Like, at all.

I mean, other than grumbling over Max from time to time and feeling confused by his seeming inability to say hello or be friendly (but let's not go there) or missing a calm, loving presence in my life to cuddle and be held by, I am not at all interested in the process of dating, or trying to get to know someone new.  No thanks.  Anyway.

So let me give you a small amount of background.

I'm not all that happy with my life.  Or perhaps joyful.  Or something.  I've always sort of put it down to my job being excessively draining for me (don't talk about work) and that I then don't have the energy or whatever to do anything which leaves me feeling like I don't have much of a life except going to work which then makes me feel pressured about work because if it's kind of all I have the energy to do and it's how I pay my bills, well, that's not much fun.  I know that some of this may possibly change with the counselling or whatnot, but I also know that if I'm not going to take a huge risk and change careers (terrifying and not so simple to do) I should try to figure out how to make the most of what I have. 

I worry, sometimes, that people are unhappy in their lives and make grand, sweeping changes (divorce, move, infidelity, quitting jobs) and then find themselves still unhappy, but now with different circumstances.  So I thought that maybe I should try some ways of making myself maybe happier with what I have and where I am and if that doesn't cut it, then look at bigger picture things.  But either way, it goes back to this feeling of man... this is a lot of work.

It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change jobs.  It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change my thought patterns.  It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to try new things and stretch my comfort zones.  So... I guess it's just a matter of which pile of "a lot of work" I decide to take on.

I've been feeling like I'm taking on ALL OF THE THINGS and trying to change everything all at once.  Look at job postings, while trying to retrain my thought patterns, while trying to figure out how to do things I don't know how to do and don't feel comfortable doing, while trying to take better care of myself mentally and physically, and while not really sharing this with anyone, while going to counselling, while getting over a breakup, while realizing I'm not all that happy with my life, while trying to be positive, while trying to let myself feel my feelings, while, while, while, while, while and all I want, like I said the other day, is to lie, comfortably and easily in a really nice place where everything is easy and I don't have to think about a certain thing.  Because nothing is easy right now.  Or not much, anyway.  And my body keeps telling me it's time to panic.  Or run far and fast.  But not actually.  Oh, and did you remember that thing you think you forgot? 

So, yeah....I was really happy at Burning Man this year.  So happy.  And, yes, I know it's "a holiday" and "vacation time" and "not reality" but I had that time of feeling really really happy. And I came back and I wasn't.  And it was a big shock.  Incredibly difficult and unsettling and added on to all the other things I've been learning and going through, something had to change.

And here we are.
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P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2018 and then some.) Kay? Kay.